An Examination of Love

I was thinking about something a woman said to me on the subject of love:

“Maybe there is such thing as true love. That cinema love, that lasts forever. I don't know, but I’m willing to find out. I know I’ve said a few things about not believing in love....”

I know Hollywood studios can release an updated version of the movie, “Love Story” that gets women weeping tears of unending joy, and causes men to sit uncomfortably while our spouses squeeze the circulation from our hand. But really, does anyone really want “that cinema love”? A portrayal of love that is so lacking dimension and depth, that it's as flat as a three-day old warm soda. I don't know about you, but, I've yet to find anyone who can get “hyped” about being “in cinema love”. No, people I know want the “real deal”. Even if they have no idea what the “real deal” is, they know it isn't “cinema love”. I call it the “real deal” because it HAS to DEAL with the REAL issues and complexities of a loving relationship.

I’ve had time now to reflect upon the pain of a marriage that nosed-dived into the abyss of failure. I’ve tried to understand what went wrong only to come to the conclusion that I needed to accept the words my wife shared with me over a year ago, “I want to live alone”. Initially I assumed that she was telling me that I needed to change, but I came to realize that she simply no longer wanted to be married to me. The day she left began with her saying, “we need to talk…” I asked her what was wrong, and the words, “I’m moving out” was the beginning and end of our talk.

I admit that I never imagined a life without her, and yet, here am I, alone. I miss being in love, sharing conversations, laughter, the hugs and kisses. I miss having her as my traveling companion and confidant, but I've come to accept that what we had is dead. Accepting this fact is the first step I'm making as I traverse the desert with God as my guide. So now I’m studying the biblical model of marriage and love. I will write about this topic until I run out of words. It is not a feeble attempt to persuade my ex-wife that I’m a changed man. I just want to be prepared so that when the opportunity to love again is revealed; that I'm ready, willing and committed to loving until the last breath escapes my lungs.

From the comments that many have shared, and my own reflections, I’ve come to realize that a husband must love his wife for the woman she is. She may never become what he hoped for, but that isn’t why a man loves his wife. A wife must love her husband for the man he is. He may never become what she hoped for, but that isn’t why a woman loves her husband.

I’m sure there are a myriad of reasons why one marries a person. Beauty, wealth, prestige, and recognition are just a few, but the bible says, without love, I'm just making noises which have no purpose or meaning (1 Corinthians 13:1). So in my quest to understand the biblical model of marriage, I found myself looking at the biblical model of love. Just as there are a myriad number of reasons why people get married, there are an infinite number of reasons to love. But in examining the biblical model, I see a consistent pattern of characteristics which are revealed in the life of husbands and wives. These characteristics form an impenetrable barrier that is impervious to destruction, deception, and the death of love. I believe there are three characteristics consistently revealed in a loving relationship:

1. The commitment of love
2. The strength of love
3. The endurance of love

The Commitment of Love: You’re watching a romantic movie with your spouse and suddenly she asks the question so many guys have heard before:

“Why do guys have a problem with commitment?”

It’s a timeless question that so many women seek an answer to, while many men try to dodge. Some guys will feign ignorance and ask:

“What’s the problem with the way things are? What do you want from me?”

A wife needs to know that you’ll be there with her through every moment; she needs that assurance that only comes with your willingness to commit to her. She needs to know that nothing will supplant her in your life. As strange as it may sound, guys need to know that you’re just as committed to them. Guys may be hesitant to talk about or acknowledge their commitment, but you’ll find no shortage of men who seek a wife or potential wife who will be committed to them.

It’s not a gender issue, it’s a commitment issue.

The Greek word pisteuo (pist-yoo’-o) means, to have faith (in, upon, or with respect to, a person or thing), i.e. credit; by implication, it means to entrust (especially one’s spiritual well-being to Christ):--believe (-r), commit (to trust), put in trust with.

Commitment is the belief and acknowledgement that proclaims faith and trust in another.

Commitment does not require validation or proof, although we may often seek it. One does not earn a commitment. No! Commitment, like grace is extended from an act of love. I remember discussing my relationship with my ex and indicating that I’d grown frustrated by not only failing to measure up to who I needed to be in her mind, but the constant reminder that I had yet again failed. It was for me, a no-win scenario that reminds me of the frustration Paul wrote about in Romans 7:24. My ex-wife looked at me and pleaded, “Am I not worth the effort? I should be valued to that level that you would want to do just that!” And although she was right about being valued and worthy, she was wrong to hold me to a code of law which she herself couldn’t live by. She wanted me to earn her trust while she believed that she had established a bank account of trust that I in turn should go to when I needed to make a commitment withdrawal.

Commitment is given by one person to another. You cannot store up commitment. For me, commitment is like manna, it has an expiration date; each new day brings about a renewal of my commitment. I do however believe that each new day that my commitment is renewed brings about a greater level of understanding and appreciation of how much one values their spouse.

Commitment not only values and appreciates a spouse, commitment accepts them for who they are, rather than whom my thoughts imagine or seek them to be. So many wives and women have written me saying, “I want to be accepted for the woman I am. Although I’m flawed, I still need to know he (i.e. my husband) accepts me. I need that.”

I need to pose this question to my male comrades:

Can you envision for a moment how powerfully enhanced your marriage becomes when your wife becomes aware that you not only accept her for the woman she is, but you do so from the place of commitment?

She becomes aware that you’re there, and not just for a season. You are there…period…end of discussion. Men understand words such as power, victory, and competition. That’s what your commitment brings in the marriage relationship with your wife.

Your commitment liberates you to love her.

Your commitment empowers you to love her.

Your commitment builds success in your love for her.

Through commitment, you gain an ally (i.e. your wife) who helps you:

1. Liberate your marriage from one of legalistic guidelines to spirit-filled freedom.
2. Empower your marriage to remain fresh, alive, passionate, and loving.
3. Achieve success in your marriage with a daily transformation of a greater emphasis and commitment to love.

Commitment is the basis for not only loving your spouse; it is the daily affirmation that you love your spouse for who they are.

We sing the song, Just as I Am because the lyrics describe our need to come to Jesus as a flawed person; sin has imprisoned my life within its ruthless walls.

“Just as I am, without one plea, but that thy blood was shed for me, and that thou bidst me come to thee, O Lamb of God, I come, I come.”

Although Jesus has already shed His blood for me, still I ask, Lord, bid me to come to thee. Christ has committed Himself to me through the ultimate act of dying on the cross for my sins, but still I ask for that assurance, bid me to come to thee. It is what Peter asked when he and the other disciples saw Jesus walking on the water (Matthew 14:25-33). It was as if their eyes betrayed them. They witnessed the impossible. In their mind, what they saw defied reason and understanding. Yet this same Jesus fed five thousand earlier that same day (Matthew 14:14-21). Jesus didn’t scold Peter for making this request, he simply said, “Come!” (Matthew 14:29) Jesus lived a life of commitment; a commitment to love the Father, and a commitment to love each believer. Loving one’s spouse requires that same commitment from you.

Almighty God and Father,

As I try to understand the biblical model of love, I see there is no greater love than the love You bestow upon those whom the bible calls the children of God. What could be greater than the sacrifice of Your own Son Jesus Christ? I don't seek mere knowledge Lord, because knowledge would simply puff me up; I seek to be obedient through a conscious committment. I pray not only for myself, but for others hurt by the acts of ignorance and selfishess; choosing what only pleases me. There is a greater joy in obedience. There is a greater purpose in service to You. There is a higher love in my committment. May we who call on the name of Jesus discover greater height, depth, length, and breath in our lives and in the lives of those we love. A life that's committed to love.

Whether married or single, we have the capacity to love one another; not simply in word but in the life we're committed to live. May the love we share represent and relfect You through our committed thoughts, words, and actions. In the name of Jesus. Amen.

Note: This post is linked to Spiritual Sundays (hosted by Charlotte and Ginger).

References:

1. Strong's Exhaustive Concordance of the Bible, By James B. Strong, S.T.D, LL.D., Riverside Book and Bible House, Iowa Falls, Iowa 50126
2. Unger's Bible Dictionary, By Merrill F. Unger, Moody Press, Chicago
3. The Ryrie Study Bible (New American Standard Version), Edited by Charles C. Ryrie, Moody Publishers, Chicago, Illinois, ISBN 0-8024-8920-6
4. The Amplified Bible, by The Lockman Foundation, Zondervan Bible Publishers, Grand Rapids, Michigan, ISBN-13: 978-0310951414
5. King James Version, The Crusade Analytical Study Edition, Crusade Bible Publishers, Inc., PO Box 90011, Nashville, Tennessee 37209
6. The Message Bible, by Eugene H. Peterson, NavPress Publishing Group, Colorado Springs, CO, ISBN-13: 978-1600060250
7. New King James Version, by Nelson Bibles, Thomas Nelson Publishers, Inc., PO Box 141000, Nashville, Tennessee, ISBN-13: 978-0840713704
8. The NIV Study Bible, Edited by Kenneth Barker, Donald Burdick, John Stek, Walter Wessel and Ronald Youngblood, Zondervan Publishing House, Grand Rapids, Michigan 49530, USA
9. The New Living Translation Bible, by Tyndale Charitable Trust, Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, Illinois, ISBN-13: 978-0842384896
10. Matthew Henry's Commentary, McDonald Publishing Company, McLean, Virginia 22101, ISBN 0-917006-21-6

Love and Submission

“I’ll love you if you submit!”

“I’ll submit if you love me!”

How does either position honor God?

True authority proceeds from the throne of God: Moses was a man who himself acknowledged his flaws, and yet, God chose an imperfect man to lead Israel from Egypt to Canaan. God delegated His authority to Moses. There were also instances when this authority was challenged. When Miriam and Aaron took issue with Moses by using his Cushite wife as justification for their actions:

“While they were at Hazeroth, Miriam and Aaron criticized Moses because he had married a Cushite woman. They said, ‘Has the Lord spoken only through Moses? Hasn’t he spoken through us, too?’ But the Lord heard them.”¹

No man should ever think that being the head in the marriage relationship is about hierarchal authority or privilege. No wife should ever think that being subject to her husband is about lower rank and limited rights. In both instances, it has to do with the willingness of each (husband and wife) to submit and obey God. Just as I question God about my wife being subject to me, I too am questioned whether I’m obeying the command to love her. Just as I question my husband’s love for me, I too am questioned whether I’m obeying the command to be subject to him.

“Korah son of Izhar, the son of Kohath, the son of Levi, and certain Reubenites—Dathan and Abiram, sons of Eliab, and On son of Peleth—became insolent and rose up against Moses. With them were 250 Israelite men, well-known community leaders who had been appointed members of the council. They came as a group to oppose Moses and Aaron and said to them, ‘You have gone too far! The whole community is holy, every one of them, and the LORD is with them. Why then do you set yourselves above the LORD’s assembly?’”²

It may seem so easy for a wife to believe, "I can do this better than Him", or "I can do this without him". But what you’re actually saying is that, “I can do this better than God.” Is God unaware of the flaws in your husband’s life? Perhaps God has succumbed to Alzheimer’s; forgetting how prone your husband is to being wrong.

The authority a husband has is not one that can be siezed by any man, it is given by God. No man of God who loves his wife imposes authority over her; he recognizes the authority he has is delegated from God. No woman of God who subjects herself to her husband does so under the duress of human authority; she recognizes the authority of her husband is delegated from God.

Until Death: A question I’ve pondered goes back to the garden; it was there where sin came into the world and consequently death to all from one man’s sin (Romans 5:12). The moment Eve ate from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, she died. Some might even argue that Eve died the moment she decided to eat (James 1:15). What we must understand is that Eve believed a lie and disobeyed God’s command because she was deceived. Adam however, was not deceived (1 Timothy 2:14), he understood the consequences of disobedience, but he chose death rather than obey God.

The question I've asked myself is:
Did Adam choose to die with Eve because he loved her to the extent that he freely chose to give up his life?

In Adam, I see a type of Christ that represents fallen man. Adam chose death through disobedience with the resulting consequence being all have sinned, and therefore all die (Romans 5:12). Christ chose death through obedience with the result producing salvation to all, and therefore all who believe are alive in Christ (Galatians 2:20).
Let’s examine the wife as a type of church to her husband:

1. Church equips the saints/wife prepares her husband (Ephesians 4:6, 11-12)
2. Church performs the work of ministry/wife ministers to her husband (Ephesians 4:6, 11-12; Colossians 3:23)
3. Church edifies the body of Christ/wife builds her husband (Romans 15:20-21; Matthew 16:18)

To what end?

That the true purpose of a husband and wife might be revealed to a world shaped and imprisoned by sin and deception. God wants those around you to see what true love is, how that love operates, and who that love accurately reflects.

What does Wives, be subject to your own husband mean?

The dictionary defines it as, one that is placed under authority. The Greek word Paul uses is, hypotassō (hü-po-tä's-sō), which means, to arrange under, to subordinate, to subject, put in subjection, to subject one's self, obey, to submit to one's control, to yield to one's admonition or advice, to obey, or be subject. This word was a Greek military term meaning “to arrange [troop divisions] in a military fashion under the command of a leader”. In non-military use, it was “a voluntary attitude of giving in, cooperating, assuming responsibility, and carrying a burden”.

A wife cannot be made to “be subject to her own husband”; that would violate the scripture. Her decision must be “voluntarily made”, as she seeks to please God. A husband cannot be made to “love his wife”; that too, would violate scripture. His decision must also be “voluntarily made”, as he seeks to please God.

Why must being subject to Christ be a good thing while being subject to my husband be a bad thing?

Living this command out in a woman’s life requires faith; the same faith necessary for a woman to be subject to Christ in her life. When a wife is obeying Christ, she is obeying her husband as well. I see that this is more of a partnership in marriage because it takes the faith of both husband and wife, representing Christ and the church to navigate the waters of marriage.

Heavenly Father,

You have given us the example of Christ and the church to ensure that both husbands and wives share a loving relationship with one another. Sin corrupts our view and understanding of Your truth; it is only through the power of the gospel that we are transformed into the image of Your Son. We seek to be willing participants in the heavenly calling; to be a living testament of the covenant established by Jesus Christ on the cross when He died for the sins of the world. We have been made alive by Your Holy Spirit and the life we now live is a life of love and submission.

I ask You Lord to bring about healing in the lives of husbands and wives who find themselves struggling in a marriage that is lifeless, and without purpose; a marriage lacking direction. Give them a vision of Christ and the church; a relationship born of love. May they see with clarity of mind, and a willing heart that You empower them to obey the scriptures. May they experience the grace that You freely shower upon them; enabling them to love one another as Christ loves the church. Give them a renewed passion for one another, fulfilling and enriching one another.

Thank You for those husbands and wives who walk before us as living testimonies of what it means to be one. Unified in spirit, mind and body. Thank You for singles who live a life of celibacy and commitment to Christ; choosing friendship with Christ over friendship with this world. All of us, whether married or single are commaned to submit ourselves to one another. May we discover true love through submission. Amen.

Note: This post is linked to Spiritual Sundays (hosted by Charlotte and Ginger).

Footnotes:

1. Numbers 12:1-3, NLTB
2. Numbers 16:1-3, NIV

References:

1. Strong's Exhaustive Concordance of the Bible, By James B. Strong, S.T.D, LL.D., Riverside Book and Bible House, Iowa Falls, Iowa 50126
2. Unger's Bible Dictionary, By Merrill F. Unger, Moody Press, Chicago
3. The Ryrie Study Bible (New American Standard Version), Edited by Charles C. Ryrie, Moody Publishers, Chicago, Illinois, ISBN 0-8024-8920-6
4. The Amplified Bible, by The Lockman Foundation, Zondervan Bible Publishers, Grand Rapids, Michigan, ISBN-13: 978-0310951414
5. King James Version, The Crusade Analytical Study Edition, Crusade Bible Publishers, Inc., PO Box 90011, Nashville, Tennessee 37209
6. The Message Bible, by Eugene H. Peterson, NavPress Publishing Group, Colorado Springs, CO, ISBN-13: 978-1600060250
7. New King James Version, by Nelson Bibles, Thomas Nelson Publishers, Inc., PO Box 141000, Nashville, Tennessee, ISBN-13: 978-0840713704
8. The NIV Study Bible, Edited by Kenneth Barker, Donald Burdick, John Stek, Walter Wessel and Ronald Youngblood, Zondervan Publishing House, Grand Rapids, Michigan 49530, USA
9. The New Living Translation Bible, by Tyndale Charitable Trust, Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, Illinois, ISBN-13: 978-0842384896
10. Matthew Henry's Commentary, McDonald Publishing Company, McLean, Virginia 22101, ISBN 0-917006-21-6