Book Installations

I just need a break. A real break.

Aargh!

Today and yesterday I met my friend, Pascale, or Scally, as she's known by her friends. Liwen and I had met her while we were partying in Milan, and she happened to be in Singapore prior to departing for yet another Asian and European tour. This afternoon we stuffed ourselves at a food court, and then walked through Katong to show her the shophouses.

Hearing her stories and imagining her future adventures makes me yearn for a life I know I'll probably never have.

I am tired of this unpalatably regimented existence.

My life is becoming what I dread most- routine. Everyday I wake up at 6.22 am. Everyday I take exactly seven minutes to get dressed and be out the front door. Everyday I come back from work so thoroughly exhausted that I spend my evenings vegetating on the couch with a borrowed book for company. Everyday I do the same damn thing.

Still haven't had a real break. Cameron Highlands- spent crying. Hanoi- cancelled. Beijing- spent worrying. Christmas week- spent crying. New Year week- staff stuff.

I entertained the ridiculous thought of flinging my phone out the balcony tonight. I don't want to be on call. I just want to be somewhere else.

March holidays is possibly the nearest date for a possible getaway- but with whom? To where?

I've stopped being surprised. Somebody please surprise me. Whisk me away and put aside our responsibilities and deadlines and commitments for a weekend. Book me a trip to somewhere. Soon. I AM GOING TO SNAP!

In times like this I cannot wait for my bond to expire. In my wildest dreams I imagine putting off everything that should matter -career, starting a family, marriage- and travelling for a year without a care.

I wonder- am I being stretched, or am I being broken? How long will it take? How much will it cost?

Exterior book cascades by Alicia Martin and hanging wall installations by Jan Reymonds

While I would really like to be enthused about the new year, I am not.

I am counting the responsibilities that have been assigned me for work, and to be honest, fulfilling them --and doing it well- will come at tremendous personal sacrifice. Last year, I was so tired after work that I hardly went out with my friends on weekdays, but would just sit at home and vegetate. On weekends, it was a struggle to even show up for cell group, because that meant arduous hourlong bumpy bus rides on my only free day of the entire week.

Another situation also demanded total and immediate attention. I went in too fast and found it difficult not to get emotionally involved.

I'm trying to be optimistic about this year. But I've been disappointed so frequently in 2009 that I find it tough to muster any enthusiasm at all.

Who am I to demand of God to make it all better? Some of His personal favourites in the Bible have walked far longer and deeper in the valleys than I ever will.

Think Moses, who wandered in the wilderness for forty years for one moment of unruliness. The guy struck a rock, for crying out loud. Shouldn't he have cried out that his punishment was disproportionate to his crime?

Think Joseph, who was betrayed by his own brothers, sold into slavery. This rich man's son was taken prisoner in a foreign land and put to work in his imprisoner's home. Talk about a fall from grace.

And think Job. Dear Job. In a day, he lost his wealth, his property, his servants and his children. The only thing that was spared was one very naggy wife-- whom I bet plenty of men would rather God have taken! To add insult to injury, Job's misfortune was through no fault of his own, but a result of a deal struck between God and Satan. How's that for fair?

I'm starting 2010 with minimal expectations. I'm hoping God will prove me wrong. I'm hoping I'll have reasons to smile and laugh in 2010.

One thing that I really need to do is find some form of therapy. Last year, I only travelled to Beijing and that seriously wasn't much of a holiday at all, given all the luggage-carrying I did for my family. Waking up at 7am everyday didn't help this late riser either. This year, I need to do something that I've always wanted to do. South America, Egypt, Siem Reap or something. If I can't find travel companions I'll go alone. I almost booked solo tickets to Jakarta for myself this Monday. I need a complete break, darnit, and I need it pronto!

At many junctures over the past month, I have found myself wondering if all this is worth it.

Initially, I really didn't know if I could handle it. I doubted my abilities and feared my limitations.

More recently, the answer has been a wavering, shaky, uncertain yes. But a yes nonetheless.

Things that once seemed important no longer matter. Days fade, one into the other. Dates that once seemed of significance- Christmas, New Year- hold little value for me. Christmas Eve just slipped by with little festivity. I haven't had the time to make plans, make cards or make acquaintances. Today I just told my girls that we should never forget the real reason for Christmas, he who put the Christ in Christmas, but to me, tomorrow is just another mark on the calendar.

Sometimes, it is really more than I bargained for. I thought relationships brought one happiness but it has brought me grief, sorrow, worry, anxiety, fear, frustration, disappointment, fatigue and concern.

Today over coffee with Sheer, we were contemplating the question: what is one thing that you have learnt about yourself in the past year? (yes, as you can guess, such a geeky question could only have been posed by yours truly)

Sheer laughed and said, "I bet your answer is, "I didn't know I could cry so much!""

I laughed back and realised that what she had said was true. Kleenex has made a killing from me in 2009.

But my real answer was that this year, I came to realise how selfish I was. In situations where he needed my support most, I found myself having to swallow my own disappointment and push aside my hurt before I could focus on helping the man I love. And then I felt guilty for being selfish.

Honestly, I really wish it were easier. I really wish I were less selfish.

But it is selfish of me to ask all these questions, especially right now. The largest question being: what about me?

But it is selfish to ask. I am selfish.




Give me a few days. I will be ok by then.

(Photos taken at TCC By The Bay)

I am back from Beijing. I also visited Chengde and Tianjin but it was colder than anything I had ever experienced, even Edinburgh in winter, where the average wind has the force of a gale. In Chengde, the temperature was around -18 degrees at night.

I might write more once my sister completes the mammoth task of uploading, editing and captioning our 1000+ pictures from our Chinese sojourn.

But for now, I just wanted to say that the worst has happened. But as we all grieve, I still see God's hand and purpose in our lives.

The week in Beijing was a breather. Again I marvel at God's perfect timing. How He protected me from things I might not have been able to handle and that were beyond my control. How He still allowed me to come home in the nick of time to be there to serve Mr Chong and his family. Beijing gave me space and time and I have returned with a renewed perspective on our situation.

I know it will not get easier, but I will just have to become stronger.

For Mr Chong.

For his family.

For me.






Some pictures from a brunch a couple months ago at this quaint eatery called Hatched, which specialises in --you guessed it-- egg-related dishes.

I hope we will have another date soon...

Hello Panda



It has not turned out to be the holiday I envisaged I'd have. I imagined a holiday filled with fun trips to cold countries. Bundling up in layers of fleece and rabbit fur. A holiday with time away from responsibilities. A holiday to read all the books I wanted. A holiday with Mr Chong. A holiday to dress up. A holiday to sleep in. A holiday to be me.

We have cancelled our trip to Hanoi for reasons beyond our control. We have pushed back plans that we have been dreaming about and hoping for for reasons beyond our control. We are tired.

I am hoping for a break when I leave for Beijing with my family next week. It will be a break physically but not emotionally. I worry so much. I worry all the time. I worry, cry, pray, make soup and repeat the cycle.

One day soon I resolve to count my blessings. Write them down somewhere. I am sure that I will run out of paper before I run out of blessings.

I have asked so many questions of God in the past week. Why me? Why us? Why now? I really struggle because in a moment when I should be selfless, I am confronted with how truly selfish I really am.

I do not know if I am able to step out of myself.

I do not know if I am able to give unconditionally, or if this is sustainable. I am but human...... I am selfish, temperamental, emotional and vulnerable. You ask the near-impossible of me. I do not know where I will derive such strength from.

I am bowed and overwhelmed by the immensity of the situation. I frequently doubt if I am up to the task of loving, supporting, and giving without expecting anything in return.

Why can't I just forget about myself?

I, selfishly, feel that I have sacrificed so much. I question if it amounts to anything, if it's worth a thing. Perhaps my 'suffering' is a drop in the bucket, but it is real and heartfelt nonetheless.

How to give? It is easy to give when you love someone. With Mr Chong, giving is not a problem (unless I have shopping that takes priority, heh). I love buying him shirts and admiring how good he looks in Calvin Klein and Pierre Cardin. I love making him little cards because I know they will be appreciated. I don't love boiling soup and washing black chickens, but I love seeing how happy and full he is after drinking it. But what if Mr Chong were to suddenly cease these expressions of thankfulness -- to stop smiling at me, to not say thank you, to gripe about the soup getting cold? Could I still give unconditionally then?

Luke 6:38: "Give, and it will be given to you: good measure, pressed down, shaken together, and running over, will be given to you. For with the same measure you measure it will be measured back to you."
(World English Bible)

He loves to pamper me! Two things that my love bought for me in celebration of our "half"-niversary, or six months together (hey, cut me some slack, couples are entitled to one cheesy ritual!):

The book by the Sartorialist!















100 classic book cover postcards from Penguin, in this pretty little package!

















As for me, I believe I got him a cookbook, because we love exploring these hole-in-the-wall, off-the-beaten-path bistros. (Ok, ironically, this picture was taken at TCC By The Bay).


















Happy "half"-niversary, hon.

A picture dedicated to my dear- one that marries my love of fashion with his love for food:


(Photo credits: Vogue Girl Korea)
















Today my self-proclaimed "chauffeur" lost his car keys so he sent me home on bus 966. Where we met his cousin, who had a very cool Afro. Who said that he always saw me on the bus in the morning. (My response: "Was I doing anything disgraceful when you saw me?")

Sometimes love is better sensed through small day-to-day actions than grand gestures. Today Mr Chong bought me a soft toy bunny and passed me my Jane Austen fabric-covered books (they're gorgeous, thank you dear!). The other day, Mr Chong texted me to check my mailbox... where I found my favourite strawberry-flavoured Glico Pocky waiting for me, with a note scribbled across it. And he willingly drove us to Orchard twice in three days so I could pick up my Matterial Girl loose powder from Benefit (no mean feat for a guy whose eyes start glazing over after a couple hours at Far East).


(Photo credits: beautifulwithbrains.com- no, I didn't make this one up)


Thanks for being the bright spot in a difficult day, hon.