Kekoa: 2010

Jason has been blessed and sealed! I thought it was going to be really hard on me and to a certain extent it was, but once again I got through it much better than I thought with the help of the Lord. Things got a bit hectic for me with my thoughts and emotions running crazy. I couldn't seem to figure out what I was really upset with for quite some time, but the past few weeks I have been feeling great!

Jason was blessed on December 5, 2010. His mom made him the cutest pants to wear for the blessing and sealing. She said that when they went to court, the blessing, and the Temple to be sealed he "messed" his pants. Well I can honestly say (not some of my friends can say this) that I have not "messed" my pants when experiencing a change, but sometimes my body feels like I am going to.

He was sealed to his family on December 23, 2010 and from the pictures I have received it looked so peaceful and happy. His family truly loves him and accepts him in to their family so well. I am so happy for them to all be one eternal family. My thoughts and feelings about this really can't be explained with words, but every emotion you can imagine having through this I had. Mostly good of course, but a bit emotional at the same time.

I am so grateful that he has been blessed and sealed. As hard as it is to know that he really is not mine I am truly happy to know he has an eternal family who LOVES him. I told his mom that I often wonder if the Lord would have told them to adopt when they prayed about it had I not been doing the things I was doing. I honestly feel that Jason was meant to be in that family. I never thought much about things like that, but one day I was thinking how I couldn't imagine Jason with any other family. And trust me I had a lot to choose from and I knew right away that they were the ones. It is proof to me that the Lord takes care of ALL of his children no matter how wrong their choices are. I never would have thought I would have been one of "those" girls who gets pregnant, but I was and the Lord didn't just say go and do whatever you want. He lead me to a much happier life. I am not saying to make bad choices, but because I have made my choices he made the best of it that he could. I have met some pretty cool girls through my birth moms group and have become great friends with them.

I sent Jason a gift for Christmas and his mom told me that when he was opening it he was so excited as if he really knew who it was from. I love that story and only wish to have seen his little face while opening it.

There are two main reasons I created this blog. One so my "new family" could have some pictures my Mom took of their new baby boy Jason and two so that I can share my story.

A little bit about me first....I am 26 (almost 27) years old. I have two wonderful parents: Chuck and Carol. I have 4 older brothers: Chuck, Jason, Billy and Jared. I have 2 older sisters: Rachel and Sarah, a younger sister Emma, and a younger brother Matt. We had and still have a lot of fun with each other. They have all been there for me at some point in my life when I needed them.

To start the experience off I have to explain that I have a bad habit of picking the wrong guys to date. They aren't bad people, just people with bad habits or just not a lot of good habits. I date people that usually need help and I always I think I can help them. With that said here's my story....

I had just started a new job at a prison and had absolutely NO friends there. Didn't know a single soul! I had a boyfriend and had in my mind that I wasn't there to make friends just money and if I made friends a long the way then great if not then... oh well. After working there for a few months things with my boyfriend started getting rocky. In the mean time I had made a friend. It was a guy!! Not only was he a guy, but a guy I thought was very good looking. After he found out things were over with my boyfriend he became an even better friend and started calling quite a bit. Well needless to say we started "hanging out" which eventually lead to going out on dates. While we were going on these dates I started to get some feelings for this guy, but knew it couldn't go anywhere because he was not a member of my church (The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints) and couldn't take me to the Temple. So going back to the beginning of my story this was a guy I could help and get him to want to know more about my church. Again needless to say he never wanted to know about my church. Well that didn't stop me from "seeing" him and I didn't realize it at the time, but I started to change myself and not for the better. And that's not a good feeling, trust me. We started to get a bit more serious, but knew that it would never go anywhere, but yet still didn't end it. Anyways one thing lead to another and a year later...I was pregnant.

Now on to the rest. First of all I found out I was pregnant on the Monday before Thanksgiving and had an ultra sound that same Wednesday. After the ultra sound I didn't know what I was going to do. I got in my car and just started driving. Now I live about 45mins from everything so I knew I had a lot of time to just think. I had prayed about everything from Monday until now and I knew I needed to do what was best for this baby and give him the life he deserved. He deserved an eternal family and I knew I couldn't give that to him right now and I wasn't sure I could ever give it to him so I decided to place him for adoption. So on my way home I thought maybe what was best was to just come home, pack up and drive to Arizona where one of my close friends lived and figure everything out. So that's what I was going to do the day after Thanksgiving. I had a feeling that maybe before I make any decisions I should go and talk to Bishop Martz from my home ward. I didn't know him personally or very well at all so I wasn't going to go. Against my own will my little car drove me over there anyway. I still to this day don't know how I even managed to drive myself anywhere, but somehow I ended up there. I argued with myself for a few minutes before getting out of my car. I was still trying to talk myself out of going to the door the whole time I walked up to the house. One of my arguments was that they were probably eating dinner and that's rude to just invite yourself over to someone's house especially during dinner time. So I knocked on the door and guess what...they were in the middle of dinner. I tried to get myself out of having to talk to him that night by telling them I could just come back, but he said "nope I can eat later". So we went and talked and I told him EVERYTHING. I told him my plans for the adoption and running away to Arizona and told him I didn't know what to do now. I came to the conclusion that I just couldn't do that to my Mom. Of course he told me I should tell my parents and I knew it had to happen, but really didn't want to have to do it. Being the nice man that he is he offered to tell them with me. I did do it by myself the next day, but it meant a lot that he even offered. After all this he gave me a hug. Again I didn't know him very well, but by the time we finished talking I felt like I had known him my whole life.

After telling my parents, I still didn't know how to go about anything nor did I even want to think about the things I knew I had to do. A few weeks later I made a call that would change my life forever. I called LDS Social Services where I spoke to a very nice man. When I told him my situation he said with the most sincere voice "I'm sorry you're going through this, but we will be praying for you". I already knew I was doing the right thing, but it was re-confirmed to me again when I heard those words. After speaking with him I found out who my Case Worker would be and gave her a call. When I spoke with her she was just as nice and said the same thing the man earlier had said..."we will be praying for you". To hear those words in a time like this was very comforting. I met with my Case Worker Julie and got a ton of paper work to fill out. Boy did that take a while!! =) When I left her, again I knew I was doing the right thing. She told me about the web site where I could look for a family. I was pretty hesitant to look for a family at first, because I didn't want to admit that I had to do this, give my baby to another Mother. So a few weeks went by so I said a little prayer while sitting in front of the computer that I might know which family I needed to contact. I finally checked this web site out. I knew I wanted my baby to go to a home where they had a sense of humor and liked sports. Sports was something I had always enjoyed doing and was something most people in my family did and I knew if this baby had my personality and sense of humor he needed someone who could take a joke. I typed that in to the search engine and up came some profiles and about four profiles down was this family. I saw the face of this man and immediately felt a connection. I scrolled down and saw this women with the happiest expression on her face. I kept on scrolling and saw three happy FUN faces and then some feet! Yes they were feet. The oldest son was in the front doing what looked like a break dancing move. How could I not pick this family. They all looked happy and looked like they LOVED to have fun. I read their letter to birth parents and read something that none of the other letters said and that was simply that they know through prayer I would choose the right family for my baby and that they were praying for us birth parents to make the right choice. It may not have been in those exact words, but it was a long those lines. I wasn't for sure I was going to pick them since they were only the fourth couple I looked at so I decided to keep looking. Every few minutes I would go right back to their profile so I finally called my Mom in and showed her the profile and told her that I thought that they might be the family. I had to run off to meet with Bishop Martz so I left my Mom to read the profile. When I got home she told me she really liked what she read. I decided that maybe I would contact them, but I was kind of nervous to contact them since my baby is bi-racial and they didn't show up when I did a search for parents willing to adopt a child of another race. Anyways I did email them and asked them if that would bother them and they wrote back telling me that they would LOVE a bi-racial child. I was very excited to hear that so I kept in touch with them and never wrote anybody else. I had already decided to meet them in March, but was getting worried because I still didn't know if I was going to pick them for sure. I was about 98% sure this was "my family", but needed confirmation from the Lord so I took one Sunday and fasted and prayed. Boy was Satan working on me now. He had me all confused with the family and had me looking through other profiles and found another couple I actually knew. I wanted to do this for them too. Then I thought what am I going to do now. I talked to my Mom about it and she reminded me of the family I was going to meet soon and reminded me that I wanted my baby to have brothers and sisters just like me. She also reminded me of the feelings I told her I had when I looked at their picture. She was right so I kept praying about it and my answer was that I would know for sure when I met them. So I kept emailing them and met them and their kids. And guess what....I LOVED them and their kids. When the kids walked in I started getting nervous because I didn't get my answer. Then Cajsa (Mom) walked in and I started to get more nervous and anxious for my answer, but nothing. Then John (Dad) walked in and still nothing. We sat down and started talking and I introduced myself, my Mom, and two sisters. After John finally started talking I KNEW they were "my family". I wanted to just shout it out, but didn't think it was appropriate so I just sat there and waited. Towards the end of us meeting I finally told them that I would love for them to adopt my baby if they still wanted him. Of course they accepted and we kept in touch for the next few months. When I first met them I felt very comfortable with them as if I had met them before. They made this part of their vacation and I thought it was so nice of them to drive an extremely long way to meet me. I also loved that they let me meet their kids as well. I knew these kids were going to be great big brothers and sisters to our little guy and love him just as much as they could.

Like I said we kept in touch. I'm really glad we did because Satan started working hard on me. I knew I would never wonder if I was doing the right thing because I had prayed about it and knew it was right. Well Satan knew I wouldn't doubt that so he moved to something I wasn't prepared for. He started making me question if these were the right parents. Never imagined he would attack that thought. I decided to keep praying about that. My answer was "you know this is the right family". What more could I say to that? So occasionally I would go back and read the emails we had sent each other just to keep that feeling. This family was just amazing to me. I couldn't stop talking about them and showing people the pictures we took at our meeting.

Well months later I finally went into labor. It was the longest pain I have ever been through or so I thought. My labor started at about 1:00am Friday morning July 2nd. I waited and waited because the contractions were about 12 mins apart and everybody said you shouldn't go to the hospital until they are 10 mins apart. Well around 2:00 am they were 10 mins apart so I started thinking maybe I should call my Mom and go. I didn't call her until 3:00am and she suggested I call the Dr. office. I did and they told me to stay home until they were 5 mins apart. Well it never got that close until around 10:00 am. We finally went to the hospital and they rejected me. I wasn't far enough dilated. That was the worse thing they could have told me. So we walked around town for a few hours and went back when the contractions were about 2 mins apart. Well eventually they kept me.

John and Cajsa got there pretty fast from the time I called them considering they were coming from another state. Bishop Martz was there with me and my Mom of course. Jason (my brother) and his wife made it and things started progressing. I honestly believe that this little guy waited so long so that all the people him and I needed there were able to be there. I knew I wanted a blessing before it all started and was able to get one from Jason, Bishop Martz, and John. It meant a lot to me to have all three participate. It was so comforting to have ALL of these people there when I was finally ready to push. It was two hours of pushing and he finally arrived at 5:37pm July 3rd. A day I will NEVER forget. He had to go to NICU for a little bit so Jason, John, Bishop Martz gave him a blessing and I got him back about 45 mins later. He is a beautiful baby and I love him so much. I wouldn't trade my time with him in the hospital for anything! There were experiences I had while holding and looking at him that only a Mother could understand. I found lots of love in that room those few days. I was amazed that the John and Cajsa would stay in the hospital with me almost the whole time they were there. They were very respectful of my time with Baby Jason and never complained the whole time. The Bishop and his wife were with me two of three days and sent a note on Sunday. On Sunday my little brother Matt and brother-in-law Josh came and gave us the sacrament and that was very spiritual for me. I will forever be grateful for the love and comfort I have felt.

The day came that I had to say "see ya later" . This was the day I knew the labor pain was nothing compared to what I was now feeling. Another day I will never forget. I love this boy more than anything which is why I had to do this. We left the Hospital together and went to a near by church to sign the papers. While we were there I decided to play the song I had written for Baby Jason which I wasn't planning on, but didn't know when I would get the chance to play for him again. John bore his testimony and said some very nice things while Cajsa cried. It was probably the most bitter sweet moment in my whole entire life. I cried and cried for this little guy, but still knew the whole time it was the right thing to do. The time came for me to hand him from my arms to his new Moms arms and that was by far the hardest thing I have ever had to do, but again knew it was right. When I was handing him over his new Mom gave me the biggest, tightest hug ever. Then she told me she loved me and that made me cry because I knew she meant it. It was very personal and sincere. When they left I couldn't take my eyes off of them....and then the door shut and I knew it was going to be a long time before I get to see them again. When the door shut I felt this overwhelming peace come over me. I definitely knew my Heavenly Father and Savior were holding me so close right at that moment. I missed Jason terribly, but knew it was all going to be okay. This was by far the most spiritual moment I have ever experienced outside of church. Maybe even inside of church.

I know the Lords hand has been in this situation from day one. From leading me to the Bishop to helping me find this wonderful family, to bringing peace to my heart in the hardest of times. Every step of the way His hand was guiding me. My Mom probably had the hardest time since she had to say goodbye to the most perfect little boy and watch her very own daughter go through something so hard. This experience has changed my life forever. I will be forever grateful to Baby Jason for the rest of my life. He is a great missionary and always will be. He helped me see that I needed to check myself and change my actions and behavior. He gave me the opportunity to share the Plan of Salvation and my knowledge of Eternal Families to people because of my situation. He has more people than he could ever imagine loving him now and will continue to love him forever.

To my little guy Jason: I want you to know that even though this was by far the hardest decision I have ever made, I did it because I love you. I never understood the saying "if you love him, you will let him go" until I found out I was pregnant with you. I love you so much that I HAD to let you go live with your family. You have wonderful parents and siblings who love you and have waited a long time for you. I know I messed up in my life, but you were never a mistake. You were ALWAYS a blessing and have been loved from day one from me. I will never forget our time together in the hospital. I will never forget the look on your perfect little face while I wrote your letter. It was as if you knew exactly what was happening. I will never forget how you stayed awake with me and the minute I told you I was finally finished you fell right to sleep. I could never forget how you were so fussy later that night and when I started to sing to you, you cuddled your little head on my chest, looked me in the eye and went right to sleep. Never forget why I told you I chose the name Jason William. Two men that mean a lot to me have those names and are great examples of love, compassion, and of Christ. I see all these attributes in you and if you live your life the way Heavenly Father needs you to then you will be just like them. I miss you everyday, but I know you are in the arms you are suppose to be in. Your birth Mom loves you more than you could ever know.