That's me. Very often the general view is that having siblings is better than an only child. I would agree most of the time, at least when I am not pissed at my sister or any favouritism shown by my mum which might have jolly well been hallucinated by the jealousy inside me. But yes right now I am upset being the elder sister, the one helping out with housework , stays out of trouble and thinks about the family before I make any decision.
When I ain't pissed, I am proud of my sister, the famous female armor officer, the aww-so-fit one- and-only female commander of the latest leopard tank and also the best shooter in the unit, the one studying in Bristol on scholarship and gets to travel almost the whole of Europe before she even reach a quarter of a century old. But this means totally different to me when I am frustrated and jealous. Like NOW.
I am angry that she gets to slack at home while I help out with the housework. What's more, she contributes to the bulk of the chores. About half the laundry load belongs to her. And my mum needs
To pack her exercise bag with the towels and attire etc FOR HER. She's like the queen at home who doesn't even wash her own dishes or tidy her own desk.
And she goes wake boarding for 45 bucks an hour while the family is fretting over her huge debt she got herself into. And I ain't even supposed to talk about this (as instructed by my mum, yup so read and forget about it k) but it irks me that she doesn't care about the money she spends while I hurried myself into a job I don't like because I foresee we need the money really soon. Basically she failed her subjects so badly she can't progress to the 3rd year of Uni and that according to her scholarship contract terms, is a kind of bond breaking if she can't finish her degree in 3 years. And one can guess how much money we need to pay back for breaking a bond that provided allowances, salary and overseas tuition fees. So instead of studying in her free time while waiting for the appeal results, she just plays around whenever she is not working. And the fact that she is working is the reason why my mum doesn't even feel like she needs to help out with the chores at home. FINE, then I shall slack around with my legs on the tables when I start work then.
Sometimes I wonder if I was a mouse in my previous life. I lack courage to do things I like. I succumb to reality, to practical needs like studying the traditional degree, getting a stable job. And the fact that my sis screws uP her overseas studies just slap me on my face again because back then I WANTED to go overseas too. But I didn't even attempt applying for overseas scholarships because I knew she wanted to go and it makes no sense to leave my parents alone here in Singapore. And I THOUGHT she would be better than me, the high flyer which I can never be. Then it all turned out wrong.
Maybe it could be worse, I don't know. I only know that right now I hate myself for being the elder child. The one who is forever timid.
Saturday, August 11, 2012
Monday, July 30, 2012
The fragile thing called Life
As the saying goes, life's unpredictable. The bf just showed me an article about the s'porean pilot trainee who crashed in Malaysia. It was scary to hear but as an aerospace engineer, we know exactly how many ways a flight can go wrong so it wasn't that shocking. Then he asked if I would let him fly again (he has a private pilot licence in that same m'sia flying school, licensed to fly that exact kind of plane that crashed today). So I thought for a while.. Well, you can get into a car accident easier than a plane crash statistically and it doesn't mean people stop driving since that scary Ferrari accident or what. So I didnt give it further thought. Until...
Until I realise the victim was a friend of my friend. Weird as it may seem, it just put things in very different perspectives. I think that's the psychology of crisis stress at play, one of the electives i took in NTU previously and honestly, it's the most useful module I've taken. Basically people have illusion of invulnerability before crisis happens, in other words, the "it won't happen to me" mindset. But when crisis happens or happens to someone you know, we will now have the illusion of centrality, I.e. now you think that same event has a high chance o happening to YOU. So when I heard it was a friend's friend, I start imagining how probable it can happen to (touchwood) my loved one and it's just suddenly so scary.
And while sending my condolences, I recalled that incident some 5 years ago when I suddenly just lost a friend. It's not something people our age are prepared for. I have gotten through it long ago, as I believe most of my classmates have, but from time to time whenever I am reminded of it, it's just... Sad.
It also Highlights again the importance of insurance, which I have been very diligently reading up about so that I can get it once I get a job.
Life's unpredictable. Life's fragile, therefore precious. Let's treasure it :)
Until I realise the victim was a friend of my friend. Weird as it may seem, it just put things in very different perspectives. I think that's the psychology of crisis stress at play, one of the electives i took in NTU previously and honestly, it's the most useful module I've taken. Basically people have illusion of invulnerability before crisis happens, in other words, the "it won't happen to me" mindset. But when crisis happens or happens to someone you know, we will now have the illusion of centrality, I.e. now you think that same event has a high chance o happening to YOU. So when I heard it was a friend's friend, I start imagining how probable it can happen to (touchwood) my loved one and it's just suddenly so scary.
And while sending my condolences, I recalled that incident some 5 years ago when I suddenly just lost a friend. It's not something people our age are prepared for. I have gotten through it long ago, as I believe most of my classmates have, but from time to time whenever I am reminded of it, it's just... Sad.
It also Highlights again the importance of insurance, which I have been very diligently reading up about so that I can get it once I get a job.
Life's unpredictable. Life's fragile, therefore precious. Let's treasure it :)
Sunday, July 15, 2012
one random night
it's a saturday night. some people spend it clubbing, catching a late night movie, catching up on sleep. everyone else in this house is asleep.
it's not exactly Saturday for me, since everyday seems the same. i ponder over why no one calls me up for an interview given the loads of application i sent out and the self-assumption that i am afterall, a rather qualified applicant. i wake up to either being stuck at home doing housework, or stoning with the boyfriend fretting on both our job hunting woes. subconsciously i get so stressed over this that a few days back i just broke down. picked up something to quarrel with my mum and ran out of house in the middle of the night. but sis found me crying a few blocks away, and all i could do was follow her back. actually its not the quarrel, it wasn't about anyone, its just i felt like i needed to cry, to let out what i have been thinking about all day and night and everything just came bursting out.
being jobless is not fun at all. yes u get to enjoy life before your life is stuck with monday blues and OT for the next 35 years of your life. but no one really knows what it feels like to be so lost and unwanted and aimless. almost all my friends have a job, whether or not they have a better or worse resume/grades than me.its not like i didn't actively search for one. its not like i did badly for interview-- i dont even get any interview after i failed the police one.
being jobless is just one part. being aimless is another. i am just spamming applications but i dont really know what i want. wanted to go job agencies but i dont know what jobs to ask them help me look out for. i am neither interested nor feel qualified enough to be an engineer, but it pays well and is decently boring like me. i want to be in the aviation industry for non-technical positions but they almost never hire fresh grad; those that accept, i already applied but no news.
its like u need to consider a thousand factors: the requirements, the pay, career advancement opportunities, your interest, working conditions, job satisfaction, reputation/scale of company etc etc. recently i have been thinking, if there wasn't a need for shift work, air traffic controller would be an excellent choice. but i need to be rotating between 3 shifts every few days for at least 7/8 years and that is a big turnoff. sometimes i think i am too picky, but i really hope i get to do what i want + what i can + what is good (well, actually who doesn't, lol)
last time when it comes to deciding your JC/stream/uni/degree, they were crossroads too. but it's like you've been through 4 or 5 t-junctions in residential areas, now suddenly u're thrown into a 6 lane junction in the middle of expressways. it's like... i am not prepared for this.
sometimes i feel like if only i was bonded to a company for scholarship. or if only my course is so specific, like a lawyer/doctor/physiotherapist/architect, i have no choice at all. but life is life."if only" are just there for ppl like me to have an excuse to whine about haha.
actually i think partly my course has screwed me up (we know from ppl going exchange or interns from other unis, that any other overseas uni's aerospace degree is ten times better ours) and partly i screwed myself up. i really learnt nothing much from the 4 year. and sadly its too late to regret it.
besides the job woes, life has been the same for me as always. trying to lose weight but never find the determination to. plain and boring love life which you can see it as being stable. i've been trying to find a proper hobby to make myself feel more..eh.. wholesome. lol. like photography for some of my friends, drawing, reading, cycling. all these i do from time to time but not exactly a hobby. i am looking for something i like and will continue doing on a long time regular basis. for now, the closest thing for me is watching tv lo. hahaha
ever since dont know when (some time in my uni years), it's been very difficult to sleep at night. i take about 1 hour on average to fall asleep and thats kinda torturing. my mind will be filled with thoughts and i just cant help it. tried controlling my breathing, counting sheep, haha all sorts of things i heard of i also try before. the best sleep i had of recent years would be when i was on grad trip and last year's hongkong trip haha. nothing to really ponder about and extremely tired from the travelling and all is happy. aiyo makes me want to travel again!
oh i had randomly googled how much money it takes to travel the world for a year and apparently thats a very common question! haha.and the answer is as little as possible. because first, you'll never save enough to last a year so you've to somehow earn some money/work in exchange for meal/accoms along the way; secondly, the lesser you start with, the more you are willing to compromise (like go on budget instead of staying in hotels/good food) and the longer you will last. i think if i were ever be crazy enough to do so, it would be in between job switches and must be (a) i am not in a relationship or (b) my partner must go with me ( that sounds so romantic right! but a bit impossible la) hai, sometimes single is like so much more carefree lo. hahaha
feeling a little sleepy. time to end this messy long post haha. blogging is actually quite therapeutic :)
it's not exactly Saturday for me, since everyday seems the same. i ponder over why no one calls me up for an interview given the loads of application i sent out and the self-assumption that i am afterall, a rather qualified applicant. i wake up to either being stuck at home doing housework, or stoning with the boyfriend fretting on both our job hunting woes. subconsciously i get so stressed over this that a few days back i just broke down. picked up something to quarrel with my mum and ran out of house in the middle of the night. but sis found me crying a few blocks away, and all i could do was follow her back. actually its not the quarrel, it wasn't about anyone, its just i felt like i needed to cry, to let out what i have been thinking about all day and night and everything just came bursting out.
being jobless is not fun at all. yes u get to enjoy life before your life is stuck with monday blues and OT for the next 35 years of your life. but no one really knows what it feels like to be so lost and unwanted and aimless. almost all my friends have a job, whether or not they have a better or worse resume/grades than me.its not like i didn't actively search for one. its not like i did badly for interview-- i dont even get any interview after i failed the police one.
being jobless is just one part. being aimless is another. i am just spamming applications but i dont really know what i want. wanted to go job agencies but i dont know what jobs to ask them help me look out for. i am neither interested nor feel qualified enough to be an engineer, but it pays well and is decently boring like me. i want to be in the aviation industry for non-technical positions but they almost never hire fresh grad; those that accept, i already applied but no news.
its like u need to consider a thousand factors: the requirements, the pay, career advancement opportunities, your interest, working conditions, job satisfaction, reputation/scale of company etc etc. recently i have been thinking, if there wasn't a need for shift work, air traffic controller would be an excellent choice. but i need to be rotating between 3 shifts every few days for at least 7/8 years and that is a big turnoff. sometimes i think i am too picky, but i really hope i get to do what i want + what i can + what is good (well, actually who doesn't, lol)
last time when it comes to deciding your JC/stream/uni/degree, they were crossroads too. but it's like you've been through 4 or 5 t-junctions in residential areas, now suddenly u're thrown into a 6 lane junction in the middle of expressways. it's like... i am not prepared for this.
sometimes i feel like if only i was bonded to a company for scholarship. or if only my course is so specific, like a lawyer/doctor/physiotherapist/architect, i have no choice at all. but life is life."if only" are just there for ppl like me to have an excuse to whine about haha.
actually i think partly my course has screwed me up (we know from ppl going exchange or interns from other unis, that any other overseas uni's aerospace degree is ten times better ours) and partly i screwed myself up. i really learnt nothing much from the 4 year. and sadly its too late to regret it.
besides the job woes, life has been the same for me as always. trying to lose weight but never find the determination to. plain and boring love life which you can see it as being stable. i've been trying to find a proper hobby to make myself feel more..eh.. wholesome. lol. like photography for some of my friends, drawing, reading, cycling. all these i do from time to time but not exactly a hobby. i am looking for something i like and will continue doing on a long time regular basis. for now, the closest thing for me is watching tv lo. hahaha
ever since dont know when (some time in my uni years), it's been very difficult to sleep at night. i take about 1 hour on average to fall asleep and thats kinda torturing. my mind will be filled with thoughts and i just cant help it. tried controlling my breathing, counting sheep, haha all sorts of things i heard of i also try before. the best sleep i had of recent years would be when i was on grad trip and last year's hongkong trip haha. nothing to really ponder about and extremely tired from the travelling and all is happy. aiyo makes me want to travel again!
oh i had randomly googled how much money it takes to travel the world for a year and apparently thats a very common question! haha.and the answer is as little as possible. because first, you'll never save enough to last a year so you've to somehow earn some money/work in exchange for meal/accoms along the way; secondly, the lesser you start with, the more you are willing to compromise (like go on budget instead of staying in hotels/good food) and the longer you will last. i think if i were ever be crazy enough to do so, it would be in between job switches and must be (a) i am not in a relationship or (b) my partner must go with me ( that sounds so romantic right! but a bit impossible la) hai, sometimes single is like so much more carefree lo. hahaha
feeling a little sleepy. time to end this messy long post haha. blogging is actually quite therapeutic :)
Sunday, June 10, 2012
job hunting woes
i was like the many others who were lured to study engineering. it was said that you have a wider variety of choices when you graduate, unlike accountancy or etc. today i both appreciate and frustrate over that choice i have.
4 years of struggling with the core modules made me doubt my ability to actually deliver what an engineering student should know from her degree. which is a major factor why i do not see myself working as an engineer. especially aerospace engineer?! i'll most probably kill people on the planes i certified as safe. yes i got second class upper honours. SO? i can hardly recall what kind of drag there are on a plane, what the hack is a laplace transform and can barely use the wind tunnel or any engineering software. everything is forgotten once the exams are over. that's how much i've gained from my degree.
yet in the attempt to find a non-technical job, i find myself trying to not be me. i put on the ever-so-friendly/cheery/outspoken mask of mine, looking for a sales/tourism job. i pretend i love presentations, love talking to strangers and am full of energy. i'm actually just the typical engineer's personality: dull, boring. i cant even wear heels properly for half a day how should i even survive in a formal suit everyday in the corporate part of the business?
day after day i look for jobs, ranging across a wide spectrum. so wide, i dont even know what kind of jobs i'm looking for anymore. it's more of like i look at their degree requirement, they accept aerospace engine, i dont hate the company/job , ok i apply. and somehow during every interview, i realise how unsuitable i am for the job yet i need to hard-sell how suitable i am. ironic.
i do not know what kind of first job lies ahead for me. but i do know i hate this process of self-reflection and goal setting of job hunting. and once i start work, i'll hate mondays and tuesdays and everyday even more. my dream job? maybe i'm just suited to be a housewife. lol
4 years of struggling with the core modules made me doubt my ability to actually deliver what an engineering student should know from her degree. which is a major factor why i do not see myself working as an engineer. especially aerospace engineer?! i'll most probably kill people on the planes i certified as safe. yes i got second class upper honours. SO? i can hardly recall what kind of drag there are on a plane, what the hack is a laplace transform and can barely use the wind tunnel or any engineering software. everything is forgotten once the exams are over. that's how much i've gained from my degree.
yet in the attempt to find a non-technical job, i find myself trying to not be me. i put on the ever-so-friendly/cheery/outspoken mask of mine, looking for a sales/tourism job. i pretend i love presentations, love talking to strangers and am full of energy. i'm actually just the typical engineer's personality: dull, boring. i cant even wear heels properly for half a day how should i even survive in a formal suit everyday in the corporate part of the business?
day after day i look for jobs, ranging across a wide spectrum. so wide, i dont even know what kind of jobs i'm looking for anymore. it's more of like i look at their degree requirement, they accept aerospace engine, i dont hate the company/job , ok i apply. and somehow during every interview, i realise how unsuitable i am for the job yet i need to hard-sell how suitable i am. ironic.
i do not know what kind of first job lies ahead for me. but i do know i hate this process of self-reflection and goal setting of job hunting. and once i start work, i'll hate mondays and tuesdays and everyday even more. my dream job? maybe i'm just suited to be a housewife. lol
Sunday, April 29, 2012
romance
another late night up alone. if only there was power socket at the airport, i'll be there now overnight, maybe twice more productive. but yup, while the family is asleep,i'm here trying to catch up with the lectures for the last paper of my education (i hope!)
recently i keep having some thoughts. not bad not good just.. worth thinking. thinking abt me and mr j, how compatible/not compatible we are, analysing both our flaws and strengths, and the most impt qn, whether i see myself having a future with him. i guess all of us know comparing is bad for everything, cos no couples are the same, but still, it's inevitable. sometimes i wish he was more romantic, more outspoken, more friendly with my family and friends, more outgoing, more motivated, more interesting. at times i am so grateful that he is more considerate, more good tempered, more tolerant, more honest, more funny than other guys.
i think guys and us are very different. they have time until their prime years which last very long. we dont. so most guys especially like mr j kind, wont really think deep about how suitable they are with their current gf, until a major conflict or a third party appears. girls are totally different, especially when you are like me, at our short-lived prime years and counting down to that short period of time when we are healthy enough to actually give birth. we wont want to waste time with someone we dont see ourselves ending up with. which is why we think alot, and gets emo. lol.
honestly, i dont know what's going to be like for me and mr j in the future. i like what we are now but i get worried. what if we spend another few years then realised we are not suitable at all? being in a first-time relationship really rely a lot on your instinct and it's all about taking a gamble. maybe i'll showhand at this first bet, and i either lose big or win big. or maybe, i should wait for the next.
not feeling emo or anything, just particularly.. reflective. shall head back to studies now ... while the world sleeps. :)
recently i keep having some thoughts. not bad not good just.. worth thinking. thinking abt me and mr j, how compatible/not compatible we are, analysing both our flaws and strengths, and the most impt qn, whether i see myself having a future with him. i guess all of us know comparing is bad for everything, cos no couples are the same, but still, it's inevitable. sometimes i wish he was more romantic, more outspoken, more friendly with my family and friends, more outgoing, more motivated, more interesting. at times i am so grateful that he is more considerate, more good tempered, more tolerant, more honest, more funny than other guys.
i think guys and us are very different. they have time until their prime years which last very long. we dont. so most guys especially like mr j kind, wont really think deep about how suitable they are with their current gf, until a major conflict or a third party appears. girls are totally different, especially when you are like me, at our short-lived prime years and counting down to that short period of time when we are healthy enough to actually give birth. we wont want to waste time with someone we dont see ourselves ending up with. which is why we think alot, and gets emo. lol.
honestly, i dont know what's going to be like for me and mr j in the future. i like what we are now but i get worried. what if we spend another few years then realised we are not suitable at all? being in a first-time relationship really rely a lot on your instinct and it's all about taking a gamble. maybe i'll showhand at this first bet, and i either lose big or win big. or maybe, i should wait for the next.
not feeling emo or anything, just particularly.. reflective. shall head back to studies now ... while the world sleeps. :)
Saturday, April 14, 2012
tonight
it's lights out in my house now. it's only 10.20pm. exception of me struggling with exam preparations. slacking too much during lectures + reports reports reports had me occupied till only a few days ago. yet still lack the motivation to study.
waistline getting horribly big. and i hit the unforgivable number on the weighing scale.gosh. plus exam stress...think i'll go europe like a pig. :(
anyway wanted to blog at this random thought i had. friends start talking about applying flats, marriages. hdb scheme is such that most ppl apply flat first, before anyone actually propose. me for one thing, ha is very against that. if i were ever to be a man, i'll be the most romantic guy ever i guess. hahaha. i'll do a full proposal when i ask her to apply flat with me. and propose again when we get the keys and start preparing for the wedding, repeating all the vows i've promised in the first proposal. and on the day of wedding itself, i'll repeat a third time all the promises i made to stress how much i'll use my life to fufil them. aww so sweet right.?? hahha i guess the best thing a guy can give a girl is security. financial security i guess no need explain. physical security meaning physically show her you care like a hug/kiss and being with her whenever she needs you. and lastly emotional security, perhaps the most impt of all. and that means letting her know, you will keep all your promises to her, those words u say during the ROM and that 3 simple words that'll use a lifetime to prove.
anyway dont anyhow think, nope i'm not getting married anytime soon! hahaah ok back to studies!
waistline getting horribly big. and i hit the unforgivable number on the weighing scale.gosh. plus exam stress...think i'll go europe like a pig. :(
anyway wanted to blog at this random thought i had. friends start talking about applying flats, marriages. hdb scheme is such that most ppl apply flat first, before anyone actually propose. me for one thing, ha is very against that. if i were ever to be a man, i'll be the most romantic guy ever i guess. hahaha. i'll do a full proposal when i ask her to apply flat with me. and propose again when we get the keys and start preparing for the wedding, repeating all the vows i've promised in the first proposal. and on the day of wedding itself, i'll repeat a third time all the promises i made to stress how much i'll use my life to fufil them. aww so sweet right.?? hahha i guess the best thing a guy can give a girl is security. financial security i guess no need explain. physical security meaning physically show her you care like a hug/kiss and being with her whenever she needs you. and lastly emotional security, perhaps the most impt of all. and that means letting her know, you will keep all your promises to her, those words u say during the ROM and that 3 simple words that'll use a lifetime to prove.
anyway dont anyhow think, nope i'm not getting married anytime soon! hahaah ok back to studies!
Friday, March 9, 2012
blues
been in a really good mood for the past month. things crop up, super busy, schoolwork's dying but ya still happy. thought today will be like best day cos little cousin chloe came back!
and then, i realised i mistook my fyp final deadline. it's 9 april. i thought 31 May. my goodness after one whole year then i realise. wtf have i been doing. i swore i nearly cry. but was at airport carl's junior studying with justin, so didnt. all along fyp was pretty screwed, delays, re-dos, problems, materials out of stock etc. but i thought i still have time so still quite calm. when i knew it today, i was so emo and scared i just wanted to hug justin and cry but ya in public place so haha.
had a good evening with chloe, but guess that's about it. hate it that i cant spend much time with her during her very rare and short stay here. and i have 3 days before my fyp 1st draft deadline alrdy booked for my bridesmaid stuff. that gives me even less time.
i just need to survive through april.brain scolding and hating myself. and my heart is in pain from all the shock. just hope everything will turn out well.
and then, i realised i mistook my fyp final deadline. it's 9 april. i thought 31 May. my goodness after one whole year then i realise. wtf have i been doing. i swore i nearly cry. but was at airport carl's junior studying with justin, so didnt. all along fyp was pretty screwed, delays, re-dos, problems, materials out of stock etc. but i thought i still have time so still quite calm. when i knew it today, i was so emo and scared i just wanted to hug justin and cry but ya in public place so haha.
had a good evening with chloe, but guess that's about it. hate it that i cant spend much time with her during her very rare and short stay here. and i have 3 days before my fyp 1st draft deadline alrdy booked for my bridesmaid stuff. that gives me even less time.
i just need to survive through april.brain scolding and hating myself. and my heart is in pain from all the shock. just hope everything will turn out well.
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