There's a time for everything

I have decided that no one really visits my blog anymore so I won’t bother with pictures anymore.

There will be many times this year where I will doubt my leadership abilities, and today is one of those days. I wish I have the talent of foresight, or the confidence to know the right things to do. Unfortunately I don’t have any of those. And so I grope a little in the dark, and sometimes set ripples to the calm river with my clumsy steps. Still I can’t wish to turn back now.

I am in the middle of what I would call an adulthood crisis. I am on the verge of turning 21 and that future, quite frankly, seems a little scary to me. All the things that I ever wanted to do, I used to be able to delay doing them. Get thrown in the middle of the sea? No problem! Travel around the world? Sure! Manage my own meals? Come at me, brah! – when I grow up!

That’s the problem right there.

I am grown up.

Or at least, I will be in a couple of months.

Things have to start moving now.

And I’m not ready.

I spent most of my childhood picturing what this moment would be like. I imagined future me as a heroine. I thought I would be this cool, athletic smart-alec. Okay I exaggerated my imagination. But I at least imagined I would know what to do by the time I am “grown up”. I expect I would at least know what my life goals are and how to get there.

Instead, I don’t even know what to eat for lunch tomorrow.

I went to Melbourne last summer for a brief summer job and witnessed my friends working in their respective workplaces. I listened to their stories and their complaints. And though I laughed at their comical stories, I also wondered why they put up with the less pleasant aspects of their jobs. But mostly I also admired their perseverance and knew that if it were me, I wouldn’t last. 

So as I spent my time putting photographs into little plastic bags at my job, I wondered what kind of a worker I am. I guess I wouldn’t know. But my father gave me a pretty good idea on what kind of an employee I would like to be. In one of our random chatters, he said a good employee is not one who can work, but one who can contribute. 

In my moments of doubt, many have directly and indirectly risen up to the occasion to try and give me an answer. I thank God for that. But perhaps it is time I stop looking so hard. Maybe someday this year I will learn to stop depending so hard on others, and start depending on the one thing that actually matters.

The future is perpetually scary.

It is intangible, unpredictable, and far too flexible. I once admitted to a friend that one of my greatest fears is everyone walking out of my life. 

Perhaps in order to prepare for the future, I have to learn to let go; no matter how scary it is, regardless of how difficult it may be and how many times I may fail in trying. 

It’s time to grow up.

It’s time to buck up.

2013 Resolution

Another year has come and gone, and today is the eighth day of 2013. It’s only 6.30 a.m. Malaysian time, but I feel like a post.

On NYE in Sydney, in an effort to pass time while waiting for the fireworks, my friends asked me what my New Year resolutions are. After giving in much thought, I decided that this year I want to grow in Christ. I want to experience spiritual growth. I want to be a little braver to try new things, and I want to mature a little bit more. 

I attended a talk by Father Robert Barron last year in Canberra, and I’ve always felt that his talk was one of the best that I have heard thus far. He spoke on the question that all of us have in mind. He spoke about finding happiness. He told us how to be happy.

Surely, no one can tell us how to be happy and actually be right. But he did. And his answer was right.

In a nutshell, he spoke about the four things that humans pursue in our pursuit of happiness. Sometimes we pursue one more than the others, sometimes we pursue all. At one point or another, we have wished we have more of each of these things.

The four things are wealth, power, pleasure and honour.

Father Robert said that we pursue more and more of each of these things thinking that if we have more, we might be happier. But the truth is, our hearts will never rest. Our hearts are made to seek Christ and until then, we are restless.

He gave an imagery that to this day, I cannot forget. He said that if we ever feel like we can’t stop pursuing these, we should always remember Christ on the crucifix. Christ on the crucifix had no wealth – even His garments were taken away by the soldiers. He did not have power on the crucifix – He was about to be executed. He definitely did not have pleasure, nor did He have honour. Christ the King was executed next to sinners. People chose to release a murderer instead of Him. No, Christ on the crucifix had none of those four things.

And yet, we will realise that the moment we set our eyes and hearts to Christ, we find peace. And in peace, we find happiness. Our hearts rest. 

And so, instead of having ten resolutions like I did the years before, I have only one this year. I want to pursue Christ.