A few days ago, I found myself sitting very close to the edge of my seat in a class, anticipating for my results as our EE papers were handed back. My teacher was calling out names of those who did well and if this had happened a few months ago in say, February, I would have sat rigidly and waited for my name to be called. Two days ago, I merely sat very still in my seat, hands already in a position that were ready to applaud; I had no hope to hear my name. In fact, I was telling Alexie who sat next to me then, “Let’s get ready to clap.”
And then my name was called.
Alexie looked to me and smiled, shook my hand, rubbed my back and said encouragingly, “你过关了!”
I was glad that Alexie’s name was called too. As we stood in front and stared into an almost empty classroom, teacher further called out more names. Alexie said that those must be the names of those who had achieved high-end As. When my name was mentioned yet again, I don’t think I have ever seen a look that was more genuinely happy and encouraging than that look Alexie flashed at me. It may have only lasted for a second but I’m glad I did not miss it.
It occurred to me now, many many hours later, how many of such looks I must have missed in my life. How many of such small moments of encouragement and happiness I had taken for granted because I was too occupied and concerned with my setbacks and failures.
That same day I lost a bet to Siew Chee.
I made a bet with her that I wouldn’t get higher than 33 for my Economics paper.
I got a 37.
This is the sort of things that we do. It is not a part of us, but somewhere along the way, during the rougher patches of life, we picked up this ability to degrade ourselves. I know for a fact I did not enter AUSMAT expecting to fail. Neither did the rest. I think everyone entered this miserable course thinking that we would do well, if not excel. And then somewhere along the line, we got hit by the waves and it slowly became easier for us to set targets that are way below our abilities and expectations. To us miserable lot, that lack of confidence saves us a lot of hurt.
Siew Chee would have bashed me up by now if she could, for calling her pessimistic when in fact, I’m the more pessimistic one.
When the EALD papers were distributed, Yeong Yeong asked me a question: What do you do to comfort yourself when you didn’t do well?
I had the answer a long time ago but I guess I must have forgotten. Today, I re-remember.
You think of your past achievements. The moments you were proud of. The people around you. The joy and the laughter. In short, you think of how far you’ve come.
So I may not have done very well. Perhaps the 9 years old me ten years ago would look at me today in disappointment. But at least I have someone who shakes my hand when I do well. I have someone who puts a hand over my shoulder when I declare that I’ve done the most stupid mistake in my life. I have someone who can somewhat, very scarily, read my mind. *cough*Yi Hui*cough* I have a bunch of people who would spare the time, the night before their oral, to sit in a circle and discuss my being a “可造之才”. Hahahahahahaha. Ok la, that was totally syok sendiri. :P
But moments when people like Yi Hui, Siew Chee and Pei Ling actually praise me are rare, I kid you not! Normally they just kinda give me the evil eye and shoot me with phrases like, “Ridiculous!”, “Bullshit!”, “我想中扁你!” and “不能顶你!” Yea….
Anyway, the point here is that results are momentary. At the end of the day, I only have a very small ambition. I don’t need people to gawk at my degree if I already have people who despite my sampat-ness and 难顶-ness and ridiculousness, still treat me as kawan.
Besides, they already agree that I am 无可否认 a可造之才. :D
A very corny tagline to end this post: Rediscover your blessings today! Coz sometimes, the comfort does not lie in your future; it lies in your past and present. :)
