Stop chasing unicorns

In my first year in ANU Law School, I was handed a Law School Survival Guide. In it, the Survival Guide told me that if I pass, I ought to feel contented; if I get a credit, I ought to grin; if I get a distinction, I should throw a party; and if I get a high distinction, it’s time to dedicate a monument for myself.

At first, I didn’t believe it.

But as time passed, I started to see its truth and meaning. 

After just a year and a half, I’ve seen so many battered warriors, tired and beaten. A few had risen above others with better skills than the rest, claiming their crown of being cream of the crop; most continued to sharpen their swords and polish their armour to fight another day; few had given up in despair; and finally, there were the minority who were left broken by the war, forced to leave the service.

If you really put your mind to it, you’d see that the war isn’t worth it. I used to tell myself that I can graduate at the end of the day with a prestigious degree and then, it will be worth it. But after having seen all these… sufferings, I have come to decide that it really isn’t worth it at all.

Pursuing a HD average in ANU Law School is akin to chasing unicorns and rainbows. That is what I tell myself because it is easier if I blame the system. I realise that once one begins the internalise the blame, nothing good comes out of it. I suppose monitoring the stress level in university has really helped me to understand how commonly adverse effects of pressure manifest in people. More often than not, the effects aren’t very pleasing.

I am not sure if such high level of stress and its adverse effects are as prominent in other places as it is here. It is neither something I hear about very often in Malaysia nor was I exposed to many of such instances. As a consequence, many aren’t aware that it’s become an issue when it is an issue, and we don’t know how to help others when it’s been brought to our attention.

Then again, in ANU, if you try to seek comfort in another, chances are the other person is also having a tough time and you both will naturally end up in a conversation about your equally depressing lives (jokes!)  

The point I’m trying to make is that there are more important things in life than just doing well. Everyone knows that it is important to be happy. Everyone knows that happiness is more important than wealth or prestige.

But do we know when to stop?

If doing well isn’t going so well, it’s probably a sign to stop. Take a break and let it go, because you deserve to feel better – about yourself and your life.

Also, one should always have some #yolo moments. :)

Like running out of lecture before it even began. :P 

Or tying up a bicycle on a tree. -.-“

Random bicycle on a tree outside Fenner Hall

Today I also went to watch Brian’s recital with the ANU Music Society and it resembled STS Band so much a wave of nostalgia literally attacked me. I almost wanted to buy a tuba out of impulse just to join the band… until I found out a tuba cost AUD2000. (!!!)

Ain’t nobody got money fo’ that! D;

"We'll go because we're friends!"

But it was a really good recital and there were really good brownies. I had three. :)

There's a time for everything

I have decided that no one really visits my blog anymore so I won’t bother with pictures anymore.

There will be many times this year where I will doubt my leadership abilities, and today is one of those days. I wish I have the talent of foresight, or the confidence to know the right things to do. Unfortunately I don’t have any of those. And so I grope a little in the dark, and sometimes set ripples to the calm river with my clumsy steps. Still I can’t wish to turn back now.

I am in the middle of what I would call an adulthood crisis. I am on the verge of turning 21 and that future, quite frankly, seems a little scary to me. All the things that I ever wanted to do, I used to be able to delay doing them. Get thrown in the middle of the sea? No problem! Travel around the world? Sure! Manage my own meals? Come at me, brah! – when I grow up!

That’s the problem right there.

I am grown up.

Or at least, I will be in a couple of months.

Things have to start moving now.

And I’m not ready.

I spent most of my childhood picturing what this moment would be like. I imagined future me as a heroine. I thought I would be this cool, athletic smart-alec. Okay I exaggerated my imagination. But I at least imagined I would know what to do by the time I am “grown up”. I expect I would at least know what my life goals are and how to get there.

Instead, I don’t even know what to eat for lunch tomorrow.

I went to Melbourne last summer for a brief summer job and witnessed my friends working in their respective workplaces. I listened to their stories and their complaints. And though I laughed at their comical stories, I also wondered why they put up with the less pleasant aspects of their jobs. But mostly I also admired their perseverance and knew that if it were me, I wouldn’t last. 

So as I spent my time putting photographs into little plastic bags at my job, I wondered what kind of a worker I am. I guess I wouldn’t know. But my father gave me a pretty good idea on what kind of an employee I would like to be. In one of our random chatters, he said a good employee is not one who can work, but one who can contribute. 

In my moments of doubt, many have directly and indirectly risen up to the occasion to try and give me an answer. I thank God for that. But perhaps it is time I stop looking so hard. Maybe someday this year I will learn to stop depending so hard on others, and start depending on the one thing that actually matters.

The future is perpetually scary.

It is intangible, unpredictable, and far too flexible. I once admitted to a friend that one of my greatest fears is everyone walking out of my life. 

Perhaps in order to prepare for the future, I have to learn to let go; no matter how scary it is, regardless of how difficult it may be and how many times I may fail in trying. 

It’s time to grow up.

It’s time to buck up.

2013 Resolution

Another year has come and gone, and today is the eighth day of 2013. It’s only 6.30 a.m. Malaysian time, but I feel like a post.

On NYE in Sydney, in an effort to pass time while waiting for the fireworks, my friends asked me what my New Year resolutions are. After giving in much thought, I decided that this year I want to grow in Christ. I want to experience spiritual growth. I want to be a little braver to try new things, and I want to mature a little bit more. 

I attended a talk by Father Robert Barron last year in Canberra, and I’ve always felt that his talk was one of the best that I have heard thus far. He spoke on the question that all of us have in mind. He spoke about finding happiness. He told us how to be happy.

Surely, no one can tell us how to be happy and actually be right. But he did. And his answer was right.

In a nutshell, he spoke about the four things that humans pursue in our pursuit of happiness. Sometimes we pursue one more than the others, sometimes we pursue all. At one point or another, we have wished we have more of each of these things.

The four things are wealth, power, pleasure and honour.

Father Robert said that we pursue more and more of each of these things thinking that if we have more, we might be happier. But the truth is, our hearts will never rest. Our hearts are made to seek Christ and until then, we are restless.

He gave an imagery that to this day, I cannot forget. He said that if we ever feel like we can’t stop pursuing these, we should always remember Christ on the crucifix. Christ on the crucifix had no wealth – even His garments were taken away by the soldiers. He did not have power on the crucifix – He was about to be executed. He definitely did not have pleasure, nor did He have honour. Christ the King was executed next to sinners. People chose to release a murderer instead of Him. No, Christ on the crucifix had none of those four things.

And yet, we will realise that the moment we set our eyes and hearts to Christ, we find peace. And in peace, we find happiness. Our hearts rest. 

And so, instead of having ten resolutions like I did the years before, I have only one this year. I want to pursue Christ.

A post of nonsense

It has been a moderately tough week dealing with the outcomes of our efforts. 

The morning after Contracts result was released, Joel and I gave Pauline hell during discussion as we tried to cope with our achievements.

Us: Yalah, distinction thinking watt….

Pauline: You guys are such bitches la.

And that’s how we cope. Lol! 

I further extended that effort to Kah Yung and Alexie when I went to meet them.

Me: *ranting about inferiority*

Alexie: *stares at Kah Yung* Omg. What is she saying?

Eric: She’s in a very dark place right now. Leave it. Everything she’s saying now is just like “eeeeeee..” in my ears. 

Alexie: I think I see a piece of cloud above her head.

Me: *blablablablabluuhhh…*

Eric: Eeeeeeeeee.. what? Can’t hear you. What is this humming?

And after a final session of really loud ranting today, I finally decided to start crawling out of my pit. 

I guess a good start to all this is by recollecting the happier moments of the day, like today, when we played Articulate again. My team won! :D I realise I have never lost in a game of Articulate before!

Pauline: We talked about this the other day!! It’s like a gecko!

Us: LIZARD! INSECT! 

Them: TIME!

Joel: *looks at card* It’s a NEWT! A newt is NOT a gecko! IT’S AN AMPHIBIAN!!!!

*****

Joel: The biggest animal in the world!

Pauline: A whale!

Joel: Okay, a what whale?

Pauline: A WHITE WHALE!

Joel: WHAT!? *loses interests in card* I WILL SLAP YOU! A WHITE WHALE!?!?

TIME!

Pauline: Sorry, I confused myself between a white shark and a blue whale.

******

Me: Erm… a penis is also called a…?

Them: DICK!

Me: Noo! More!!!

Ramya: COCK! COCK!

Me: Okay okay! Erm.. the bottom of a… hole!

Them: *shouting some nonsense*

Me: THE PLACE A PILOT SIT!

Ramya: COCKPIT!

Me: YES! *flips card* Blaine always wears a what? Around his neck!

Ramya and Pauline: WHAT PLAIN!? FIELD! MORE! WHAT!?

TIME

Joel: I CAN’T HEAR ANYTHING BECAUSE YOU ALL WERE SHOUTING NONSENSE!

*****

We were all very, very excited and competitive when we played Articulate. Haha! Ramya spilled like two cups of water and pretended nothing happened until our turn was over. And we get free food so life was definitely good today.

I guess when things just seem a little bit blurry, or when you get a sudden life crisis, or when you are two marks away from the grade you desire, you just have to take a step back and start again. 

Yoke told me if I don’t have the thing that I desire, it is only because I haven’t tried hard enough. Apart from his tendency to analogise situations with a basketball match, I totally agree with his point. So tomorrow, I will climb out of my pit of self-pity. 

Tonight, I will drown myself in an episode of Glee and Grey’s Anatomy while enjoying free chocolate mudcake for comfort. =)