Just Breathe, continue

I lost my sarcasm for awhile. It will be back, it just needed some time off. Rand and I both have friends who lost children and other loved ones in the past year or so. It isn't fair and I get angry both at the loss and people thinking their words or advice will fix a grieving mother's pain. My mom lost a daughter before I was born and still mourns her today. I wish I had a superpower that would help. It won't. I have no idea how you help them. I was feeling so sad because Collin was diagnosed with Tourette's this week. I knew it was coming, but I still can't help be saddened by the difficult road he will face. But I still have him. I wouldn't trade any of it, because he is mine and is meant to be this way. Already I see Maura become his fierce Protector and he grows stronger and weaker at the same time. And I feel I have lost nothing and feel guilt for feeling I had in any way lost him, I haven't. He is still my Collin. My sweet, beautiful boy. And if you even look like you will make fun of him, his big sister will kick your teeth in. Things are just fine with the Brunos. With our friends who lost more than I can imagine...I never know the right thing to say. I don't want to say the wrong thing and so I say too little. I hope all of you who have lost someone and had to deal with me, I just wasn't built to comfort people. So I am sorry and I hope you can take it one step at a time. I, Despite popular belief,was programmed to feel emotions other than sarcasm (still not sure that is an emotion) and anger. Rach

Silly Sally

I just finished watching this great series called "Being Human" about a vampire, a werewolf and a ghost named Sally all living in a house. It is fantastic, you should watch it. Not at all like anything I've seen about the usual suspects. I was a bit disturbed by the ghost Sally, she is mad at first because she is dead and stuff, and her name is freaking Sally the Ghost. The truth is, I know everyone thinks it is just a funny story that my children seem to see the undead and I have always believed that they are just so damn smart that they had to invent other people to talk to that would understand them. But I've had it with the ghost stories in my house. Rand has been going back and forth to Texas until we move and I hate being in my room alone. It seems to be the "hotspot" of activity. And I swear if my sister offers to see if a girl named Sally died on one of the old farms nearby, she will be the next ghost!

 The truth is that it seems all my kids are a bit haunted, although they seem a lot less disturbed by it. Maura still speaks kindly of her friend Sally and said "Isn't she the one that was adopted?" Yes, she was in fact adopted by another "invisible" couple because I didn't accept her into my home. For weeks after I had to send Sally money and fake money wouldn't do. I actually put money in an envelope and addressed it to "invisible Sally" I was forbidden to use fake money (or the word imaginary), which makes no sense to me at all. What is an invisible girl going to do with real money? (Buy clothes and stuff mommy!) I always had to run out before the mailman got there and get my money back. Maura only remembers the good times with Sally and the owl that lived in our living room. All I remember is the day Maura told me that Sally told her something that made her scared and she was crying for hours before she would tell me. Finally she said that Sally had promised Maura that "she wouldn't live to have many birthdays or get very old." And Maura believed her friend Sally. So that is when I kicked her out the first time. Now Max is seeing dark guys in his room and Collin is constantly "hearing something." Crap, as soon as I typed that, I heard something downstairs. The first thing Max says when he wakes up is if the dark guys have been to see him. At first he said they scared him, but now he says they don't. Collin and I are the only ones afraid and I can't tell him that I'm afraid, I'm the mom in this story! My doctor said that it is normal with imaginative kids, but is it normal to push an empty swing, pull an empty bike, celebrate the birthday of an imaginary...sorry, I mean invisible friend? The doctor said if kids don't watch a lot of TV, they make up their own stories, that is why there aren't as many kids with Sallys around. But my kids watch tons of TV! I've encouraged it. After Sally left we briefly had another friend named Brooklyn. She was boring though and didn't make the clock turns or tell my daughter she would soon die. I just hope Max's friends go away soon. Is 3 just the magical year when kids see ghosts? Isn't 3:00 the witching hour? Okay, freaking myself out now. I don't believe in this crap. Even if there is no way to explain why Maura to this day still describes Sally exactly as she did when she was 3 and 4. And exactly the way she drew her, in a long white nightgown. Sally, please stay in this house, please. Unless we rent it, cause I need tenants. But if we sell, please feel free to move in to the Master bedroom. My peace offering to you. And to the dark guys if they are with you. Ya, I'm talking to a ghost. I haven't had a job for a few months and it has freed up room in my head, okay?

Goodnight. Sleep tight. Silly Sally won't bite.



FYI, I am going to delete this picture real soon, I could barely paste it without cringing.

Thursday I don't Care About You

Disclaimer: It is 5:00 am and I have been awake for awhile. Usually I'm miserable at these times but I just realized that they replay old episodes and new ones of 120 minutes on MTV at this time. If you don't know what I'm talking about, you missed out. Robert Smith really pulled off that look back in the day. Also, you aren't as old as me. It was a magical time, the 90's. There weren't reality shows and products being thrown at you every second of every day. Still, I wouldn't go back to highschool for all the money in the world. I had purple hair for goodness sake. Nobody pulls off purple hair.

So fast forward a few decades and I am sitting in my house with a husband and three sleeping kids. Does anyone else ever stop and think about where they are and just totally lose their sh*t? Sometimes I just realize that I am responsible for 3 lives and it really freaks me out. I realized the other day that I hadn't washed my hair in 5 days. And I ate fritos and oreos for breakfast. I can't raise kids! I was at the store and one of the kids yelled "MOMMY!" and I'm like, wait, that is for me! I'm a mom! How did this happen-how did someone agree to have children with me...willingly?  I'm not ready! I guess it is about 9 years too late for that though. I do, however, quite like those little people of mine. Even monster Max, ruler of the Brunos. He is exploring his vocal cords and the different noises he can yell at me when he is angry. We are really having fun with this experiment. He figured out that I can't lift him into time out so he puts up quite the fight.

Collin is about the opposite of Max in every way. He is Mr. Sensitive who decided sports weren't for him and he would rather sing songs and ride a skateboard while perfecting his hair flip for the ladies. Also, he is too old to call me Mommy, so it is just Mom. Don't forget it either.

Maura continues to defy logic by being the perfect child, despite the fact that I am raising her. Sometimes she comes home and I want to go and do something with her, but she won't allow it because she has more important things, like homework to do. And she trained Pearl the bird to say hello by lifting one foot (talon?) when you say "Hi Pearl!" I'm not that impressed because she still waits to take a crap until I'm holding her. (Pearl, not Maura).

So obviously I am still unemployed. It's okay though, I've had lots of time to lay around in my pajamas. Mostly because I realized that I don't own any casual clothes because I have worked in an office for the past 14 years. So I spend my days now in pajamas/work out clothes going to physical therapy. I don't much care for it. Call me crazy, but being tortured 2-3 times per week is just not my idea of fun. Plus their playlist to a healthier you includes Richard Marx and Enya. My physical therapist, Bob, is great. He isn't very chatty, but I will take a doctor that is good over a nice one any day of the week. I once had a nice doctor. And he almost killed me. My back/pain doctor is super nice. But there is something about someone saying "there isn't really much we can do for you, but have a great day!" in a really chipper voice that makes you want to take all the needles they shoved into you and put them into his eyeballs. I'm not going to, cause he is REALLY nice, but still. I can never tell if it is good news or not because the delivery is always the same and he always seems super excited to tell me how I'm never going to get better.

Anyway, I've really missed these middle of the night  posts (I realize people get up at this hour, but I can't relate to them because 5:00 is still the middle of the freaking night). I think it is time to go to bed when you think the Fray video isn't so bad.

Over and out.

Bad Romance

I bet you have been wondering where I have been lately. My family has been too. I've been at work for the past 7 months and not really anywhere else. You know how it is, you find an employer, you start dedicating all your time to them because you think they care about you as much as you care about them. Then you realize they are sort of mean sometimes. But maybe it is your fault, you just need to do better. So you start hanging out more and even when you are home you are thinking about work instead of other things. And your friends try and tell you that it isn't healthy, but you don't listen...at first. But the red flags are there. You see that this isn't a mutual thing. They don't care about you. They are just using you and you can never be enough for them. I was in denial for a long time, but I finally cut the ties and we broke up. I thought it would be hard to be alone without a job, but it isn't. I realized it just wasn't a healthy relationship. And the good times weren't enough to justify the bad times. And although I don't really know what to do with all of my spare time, I'm trying to stay busy. I don't know if I'm ready for a new company yet. I think I need some time to just be Rachel. And then maybe when I have healed I will go look for the ONE. The right one that respects me and treats me well. Because I deserve that.

So ya, I quit my job. I haven't been this happy in a long time. I LOVE staying home. I know it will end, but I'm enjoying it now. Max has even stopped calling me Daddy.