Moved.

Blogger has been good to me. For four and a half years.

But I think I need to move. I don't know, life isn't the best gift to us in the world to be honest, because as cliched as it is life isn't a bed of roses. I haven't been having the best of times lately. And when I don't feel good I like to write down things and vent them somewhere, and I always do on this online diary of mine. But lately there is this... barrier? idk, between me and my habit. Like I don't want to post things here for some unknown reason. And it makes me sadder the fact that nothing ever goes right and I'm actually hesitating to write things down.

So, I am moving to tumblr. No, it's not the one where I reblog my fandoms, it's an entirely new blog I've set up for my journal. I wanted to go on lj, but I already have an account and I'm not too keen to ship all my entries to a community. Hence, tumblr it is. It's been on my mind for quite some time already, and I think I'm really leaving blogger so I don't feel so restricted. Blogger has been good to me. Thanks. But fret not I'm still leaving this here, so maybe one day when I'm feeling like it I'll come back and read all the childish posts I've written in the past. And I'm still stalking blogs of friends who update once in a blue moon :D

And to my friends who always read my annoying rants and offer me words of consolation and advice, thanks a lot. I really appreciate it. :)

For people who care, here. If not, please don't bother because this will be a place where ideas for anything under the sun (fics, plans etc) will be written, insecurities sprawled across the page in the form of words and pretty much unexpected stuff, all entirely for personal purposes only.

Thanks Blogger. For sticking through some of the shittiest times though in the end we still couldn't go on together.

Bye.

They say that

when you've hit rock bottom there is no way else but up. but where and when exactly is rock bottom? I don't know. when things seem to get better somehow it just gets worse the next moment. when will it all stop?

should be studying but I'm not

So.... I mentioned like, months ago that I really wanted a laptop to replace my old, old super duper old grandpa computer that had been with me since eons ago. First my original one which stuck with me since I was 13 crashed, and since my brother was getting his new computer specially for gaming (RM 3000, no kidding, that brat should be extremely grateful) and had no use for his old one, my parents took both the PCUs to the repair shop, and suddenly my mum called up to ask if I wanted to merge both the PCs together.

And me being me, desperate for the return of my precious computer, agreed.

And I really regret it right now. My brother's computer used to be the family computer and was bought since I was in primary school, around the age of 10? 11? I don't know, somewhere there. But it was considered as a really really new model in the market, so it's not surprising it can last for like, erm, seven to eight years. But you know boys, they don't really bother with taking great care of their computers and crap, at least not my brother. When I got back my hybrid computer from the repair shop I was really expecting efficiency and speed unlike my original computer, lagging and all that shit (but I found out I actually didn't install something when I manually reformatted it so it's partly my fault :P) but it turns out, the fucking CD drive is extremely noisy, and the performance didn't really improve much anyway. And it'll cost me 99 bucks just to change the CD drive. Recently, my computer's been freezing every time I log on Tumblr or Youtube, presumably cos' it can't really keep up or handle with the huge files of gifs and videos. It can freaking lag up to 15 minutes and in the end I get so frustrated I just turn off the switch at the main plug. Not even Ctrl+Alt+Delete could save my ass then.

Pissed. And what's more, the damned CD drive isn't working anymore and there is this really, really loud annoying sound coming from inside and from time to time I really have half a mind to just take a sledgehammer and smash this piece of technology crap to bits. Or fling it off Mount Everest or something and watch it explode like fireworks.

The basic functions are still okay, FOR NOW. I can open Words, though sometimes it freezes AGAIN and I get pissed AGAIN because I couldn't save in time. Thank goodness for autosave. The fact that I can sit here and blog about this is a miracle. I want a new laptop. My parents are really nice about it though, that's the good thing. My mum's been asking me occasionally if I wanted to get that MacBook Pro I've been eyeing at for months, but idk, it's kind of expensive I really wonder I should spend it on a laptop. I love my sister's Mac, well, except for the times I don't have a mouse and have to manually scroll and right click stuff.

We went to the Apple reseller to check out prices. And since the Retina Display model has been getting much hype lately my parents were considering getting it. But the most noticeable downside of it is the loss of the built-in CD player. I asked around, and found out the external CD drive costs RM 249, which I find it quite ridiculous despite its sleek model and smooth aluminium surface. And the RD MacBook is really expensive, despite my uncle from Singapore telling me that if I want a MacBook I should go for the latest, and that it's cheaper to get it in Malaysia than in Singapore. Well, idk, it's a laptop with top-notch graphics they say, and when I tried the demo displayed on the counter I couldn't really see the difference between the RD and Pro 15". :/ Maybe it's the fine details or something, idk, cos I only got like 3 minutes of time to check the models out before my parents tugged me out of the store.

The brochure I got stated that for a 256GB flash RD model it costs RM 6,799. At first I was puzzled, I mean, 256GB? While the 15" Pro model had 500GB for RM 5,499. Is it even enough storage space? As much as I like quality stuff, I put a lot of emphasis on storage too. Saving pics, downloading songs, installing software, it takes up a lot of space and eventually poof 256 GB gone. And hard discs are nothing but trouble. If possible I want to just store everything in a reliable laptop and back up important documents in a pen drive. The USB chip doesn't malfunction when you accidentally let it go for a swim in the washing machine.

So.... idk. RD has really improved and high-speed processors, it's thin and light according the reviews I read and the cooling system is great, but STORAGE. And it's 15". I don't want to stuff a huge freaking oversized laptop into my bag. What if it doesn't fit? Somehow, lots of people use MacBook Air as a comparison to RD, but imo if I were to get RD I might as well get Air, and if I'm gonna get Air I might as well go for Pro. ://// I don't want the normal Windows laptops because omg, remember that time I tried using my dad's HP laptop? The result is horrendous. I like Windows XP. Windows 7 is bullshit for me. All that glare (adjusting the brightness doesn't even work it's either too dark or too bright omg my eyes it burns) and messy organising. I know you're trying to have pretty sophisticated icons for your files but seriously, it's really weird and annoying to try and decipher the heck those files are about. But I don't mind that, I could always get used to it, it's the GLARE and OPAQUE-ness of the system I terribly, horribly abhor. I can stare at my monitor all day long and never get tired, but when it comes to my dad's laptop mother of god my eyes hurt in just two hours.

So unless I actually find a nice laptop with Windows 7 which I like, I'm just putting Mac on my list. I think Pro is awesome, 13" is just nice for me (though I'd be getting the same model as my sister) but RD has more advanced technology, and eventually all new macs are gonna go with RD's advanced technology and by then I don't know it it's possible to upgrade the 13" MacBook Pro. :// It's heavy, but thinner than most laptops I've seen in the market which I like a lot because it saves me a lot of space. But the price. 13" isn't so bad, I could get a 500 GB one for 3,700. It's RD that bothers me. 6,800 for 256GB flash (what does this flash thingy do anyway, is it something that makes it faster or what), and that doesn't include the external CD drive (249) and the fact that I have to buy an external Ethernet cable if I want to connect my laptop to a modem just makes the price ridiculously higher. And for the 512 GB RD one it's a freaking 8,699 ringgit. DAFUQ? I DON'T WANT TO SPEND 10,000 ON A LAPTOP. THAT'S JUST INSANE. I COULD BUY A TICKET TO AUSTRALIA OR EUROPE FOR A NICE ONE-WEEK VACATION. OR BUY ALL THE ALBUMS I WANT.

Damn. asdjckjshdcjkdh I wish my computer was portable anywhere I go. Laptops are just such a hassle. ;__;

DRAFT IS DONE 8DDDDDDDDDDDDD

finally coming into shape after.... erm... four months of neglect, procrastination, missed chances and writer's block.


I swear, my muse visits at the most inappropriate of times.

Bummer. And I was getting all fired up to finish this piece of nightmare by eight and now I have to go out. Guess it's not happening. Oh well.

Stop talking about the past.

Please. I don't need constant reminders from you about how I was to you back then. Times change, people change. This is me right now, so just accept it. I don't give a shit about how I used to behave back then, but when you compare it really somehow just dampens my spirits and from the amount of shitty things I go through everyday you are not helping at all. Accept this, because I'm not gonna go back to becoming who you want me to be. Not even sorry. With those life battles every single person goes through in life in this fucking world, no one will ever be the same as how they started off at the beginning.

I can't believe I actually experienced that feeling, that feeling when something you like takes you by surprise and proves you wrong and because you're just in plain shock it's like your whole world goes blank and you almost fainted for that millisecond but in an instant you're back still breathing again despite going through that initial shock. I don't know, it's like one moment I was scrolling past my newsfeed checking for EXO updates then it took me by surprise. And by surprise I mean really surprise. I remember rereading the whole thing again and again just to convince myself it was true and that my suspicion is confirmed then suddenly my eyes actually roll upwards and my head lolls back (thank god for my chair supporting my head). But it was only for like, what, a millisecond or so before I gained consciousness again. Weird. This feeling is very weird. But I'm glad I'm not upset or anything after reading that: just kind of shocked but the feeling's subsiding. Suddenly I feel kind of tired though. Oh well. It seems like my intuition was correct; I'm so glad I kept my distance and saved myself from a whole truckload of mess. And I should continue to do so, keep my distance I mean. It's a good thing. Phew. Finally it's over and I don't have to overthink about things anymore, though this sort of made me lost my goal to study. Meh, I think it'll be all right. It always is. Sze Pei fighting!

it's done. it's fucking done. and just before the deadline too.

/cries in relief.