Secrets I Have Held In My Heart Are Harder To Hide Than I Thought; Maybe I Just Wanna Be Yours...

The strangest thing happened to me the other day.
I had run into someone from my very recent past, the significant other present as well. There was no emotional attachment to this person whatsoever- no passion, no romantic feeling, yet, also no resentment, nor bitterness. But, that night, as I watched their interactions -- subtle, attractive, the little hints of affection -- I felt a slight tinge in my bones, and a slight bolt to, what many a time feels like the weakest part of me, the heart.

As I drove home, my iPod unfortunately began its befitting song selection to complement my mixture of bitterness, envy and self-pity. That night, if I wasn't as tired as I was, I would have been crying my eyes out. My tired self couldn't muster up the strength to cry out the tears that welled up throughout my drive home -- something I believe definitely contributed to my exhaustion the next day.

What sparked it?
Possibly the fact that even a d*chebag such as he could still find a someone to share such beautiful moments with.

I don't know what has triggered me to begin feeling this small sense of emptiness, and this longing to turn around to see a "Prince Charming," ready and waiting to whisk me away. I guess every girl reaches that point in her life when she realizes that, at the end of it all, she just wants to be loved.

But...

I'm still afraid. As the Ken Yates song goes, "it's an open door for you to go and break my heart." And I've been a fool so many times, who's to say I won't be made the fool again? I'm aware of the risks of this journey, and I have yet to prepare myself for it.

However, the question really is..

Will I ever be prepared for it?

---

Wicked Game - Amy & Travis Wall

Beautiful doesn't even begin to describe this dance. 

Swimming through sick lullabies, choking on your alibis...

Someone recently said to me, 

"You're lucky you don't have that need or craving to be attached to someone -- like me, who strives to be with someone, and needs to be in a relationship."

I tend to wonder, sometimes, if I really am this person I project myself to be. This girl oozing with self-confidence who doesn't give a damn about how the world works, or what people think. I sometimes wonder if I really am ok with some of the decisions I make, or if it's just this brave front to mask my vulnerability and, at times, naivety. 

Is it really confidence? Or is it actually fear?

Yes. We all get scared sometimes -- afraid of what we cannot predict and what we cannot control. I've been blindsided several times before that now, it just seems logical to not let my guard down ever again. It seems easier and just better for my sanity to keep myself distant enough from people who could potentially hurt me.

But, then again, isn't that... everyone? Everyone has the potential to hurt you.

So then what do I do? 

The person I was before would never recognize the person I am today. The lost hope, the misguided ideas of relationships, the shattered belief in romance... 

Is this what experience does to a person?

I don't quite know where I'm going with this. And lately, that's how I've felt about a lot of things.

It could have been forever but we'll never know...

[24 hours, The Noisettes]

To This Day Project

"But our lives will only ever always continue to be a balancing act- that has less to do with pain, and more to do with beauty." - Shane Koyczan

Such beautiful and powerful words.
Such a harsh, heartbreaking reality.

You build your heart of plastic; get cynical and sarcastic...

I can't be the only one who believes this song was written for him/herself, can I?

Passenger - Wrong Direction

Cos when you're apart you don't want to mingle

When you're together you want to be single,

Ever the chase to taste the kiss of bliss that made your heart tingle,

How much greener the grass is,

With those rose tinted glasses

But the butterflies they flutter by and leave us on our arses

So if anyone ever asks about my love life, I think I'll just play this song, eh?

Sometime around midnight...

I've been attempting to write an entry for the past month or so, but have yet to succeed due to the lack of time and energy. It's a brand new year, and I have yet to write my staple New Year's entry that recaps the past year and lists down all the lessons learnt (or not learnt). There is so much to be said, but with no time to say. And with each missed moment to express my thoughts, a new one comes by and erases the relevance of the previous draft.

This past year has proven how quickly time goes by. One minute, I was a senior in college- the next, I'm an Account Executive in a PR firm here in KL. One minute I was doing a keg stand at the Senior-Junior keg race...

Gotta admit, this was a pretty epic moment during my senior year.

...the next, I'm spending my Sunday evening in the office printing press releases.


But no, really... where did 2012 go?

So much happened over the past year- tragedies across the globe, Obama winning his second term, the supposed end of the world, Gangnam Style and its unexplainable popularity... and then there's me growing up and making that transition from undergrad to working girl.

It's still strange for me to tell people that I'm working, especially when I tell people whom I've known for so long. It still weirds me out when my friends and I get together and start talking about work, politics, the economy even- things I never thought (and probably still don't) I knew much about.

Sometimes I feel like a little girl wearing big girl shoes- I don't really know how to walk in them, but I want to. Other times, I feel older than I actually am- laughing at the stupidity and naivety of my youth and wondering why or how I thought it was a good idea at the time, yet desperately clinging on to the reckless young punk inside.

I may still be at that stage where I'm not sure what exactly it is I am expecting from myself. I'm not sure how exactly I want to approach "growing up" nor what exactly to leave behind in with my undergrad years.

So many things I am still unsure of, but I know I'm bound to realize and figure out eventually.

Recently, I revisited certain feelings from the past that I thought had long been tucked away in a dusty box. Evidently, feelings surface much too easily for comfort, no matter how long they've been buried. I chalk it up to the reckless young punk in me- unaware of potential consequences that could come back and bite me in the ass.

I've asked myself many times what I expect from myself, from others, from anyone. I have yet to figure any of that out. Hence why sometimes I feel it's just easier to throw myself into something stable, like work. Other things, as I have found out, are incredibly messy. And I don't think I'm ready for messy.

Not just yet.
Not any time soon.

Invisible man who can sing in a visible voice...

Found this little tidbit tucked away under my drafts:

by: alltelleringet

I'm years behind, but I recently watched Dead Poets Society. I've heard mixed reviews about this movie; it's one of those movies you either love or hate -- no "so-so" review exists. I fall under the latter; I thought the movie was somewhat easy to relate to and overall inspiring. This mostly has to do with Robin Williams' character, John Keating a.k.a O' Captain, My Captain :) I can just imagine the breed of eager, determined and dreamy-eyed students that would emerge from more teachers/lecturers like John Keating.

Inspiration seems to be the theme of my Summer. First, Shakespeare birthplace re-inspired me to write. Then, Scotland and London made me fall in love with falling in love. Now, this movie just inspires me to live. Live and let live. Carpe the damn diem. 

I believe I wrote this during the Summer of 2010: the summer when I spent about a month in the UK for my sister's graduation. And oh what a beautiful summer it was. Just like I said in my entry, it was filled with much inspiration. Inspiration to be, to write, to love and to live.

I think stumbling on this little, almost-forgotten post was just the little thing I needed to rekindle that inspiration. Oh, the magic of rediscovering things...

When I grow older I will be there at your side to remind you, how I still love you

I've started so many entries, but never got around to finishing them. Just last week, I started on an entry... but as it turns out, the path of my life has altered and the entry is no longer valid. As it turns out, my initial plan to take time and settle back into living at home again is no longer an option as I am officially starting work with a local PR agency this coming Monday. As much as it aches me to give up my sloth-like days of sleeping in and watching episode after episode of Entourage till the wee hours of the morning, I am without a doubt excited to begin this new chapter of my life.

But, as every big step in my life has proven, with this excitement comes a severe case of the jitters. As well as a tinge of self-doubt. If you have never questioned your ability to handle something you are about to dive into... well, you're either human or full of bullshit. Everyone questions themselves in the face of a new chapter no matter how intelligent, capable and/or gifted he or she is. It's a normal feeling, but an unpleasant one all the same -- and that's what I've been dealing with since I accepted the job offer. Despite this case of nerves, however, I do feel at ease with the decision I've made to start working earlier than expected. Now let's hope my first week allows me to remain happy with this decision, haha.

Today is Freddie Mercury's birthday. Recently, I found out that my friend's dad had watched Freddie Mercury at the Wembley Stadium. You can imagine the amount of envy I had for him. I mean, being able to be a part of that audience, to watch Freddie strut the stage and to see Brian May and Roger Taylor in their prime... it must have been amazing. It was this same day that made me realize that my soul truly believes that I am older than I actually am a lot of the time. Why? Well, I ended up spending most of the night conversing with my friend's dad and his friends for most of the night instead of catching up with my friends. We spoke of culture, what ifs, music, relationships, whiskey and (surprisingly for me) politics. 'Twas an interesting night that ended with me slightly baffled simply because in the haze that reeked of cigar and whiskey, I forgot how old I was. Or rather, how young I actually am.

With that being said, music has defied the supposed generation gap, and it always will. In the case of Queen, We Are The Champions will continue to be sang in high spirits after any sports team has won a trophy in their league by their fans and the possibly the players themselves; Bohemian Rhapsody will continue to be the definition of rock opera and maintain its position as the best rock song of all time; and We Will Rock You will always be the best song to pump up a crowd with its simple yet incredibly strong drum beat. To cap this little entry off, the song that I've been humming ever since my sister and I watched the DVD of Queen Live at Wembley.

Love Of My Life - Queen

Enjoy.
Oh, and...

Happy Birthday, Freddie.

One of these days, your heart will stop and play its final beat...

Reality check.

How strange is it that I've graduated?
That I've reached the end of this chapter in my life labeled 'College?'
That I've only been in Milwaukee for two and a half years, and I can honestly say I feel at home?

I started skimming through old blog entries again -- it's just what I do when I'm in need for inspiration to write a new entry. I flipped the pages back to 2009, back when I was counting down the days to when I'd board that plane to Milwaukee. I was anxious, nervous, scared, excited... I felt a plethora of emotions, as I should have been upon embarking on an adventure knowing not what to expect.

Here I am now, two and a half years later, feeling the exact same emotions as I did then... except this time, I'm going home. Going home to KL to start a new chapter of my life -- a far more responsible, grown-up, serious chapter that will define the kind of person I am going to be possibly in the next 10 years or so.

It scares the bejeezuz out of me.