Example, I am in my room, door cracked shut and I hear a knock at the door, "Who is it," I call out. A robust declaration of, "It's me Mason," would always return, which turned into a game repeated several times. I walk into a room and Mason is on the couch, "It's me Mason!," he declares while leaping into my arms.
My husband would attempt to comfort me. He would remind me how much I cherish each of my other 3 sons, and that I would love Mason with that same fierceness. If I was beyond consolation I would reply with answers like, "But I don't know him yet," or "But I don't know if it is all going to work out", and frequently, "I just CAN'T do this ANYMORE," followed by puddles of tears.
With severe dehydration comes the need for home intravenous hydration. A home health nurse would come place venous access and then I would have continuous hydration until the IV went bad, then wait 1-2 days until the level of dehydration became severe enough to warrant a return visit of the nurse to place a new IV and the process would be repeated.
My pole couldn't get passed my washing machine so I had to stretch to move the clothes into the dryer. These IV's were temperamental and occluded easily so it was risky to disconnect it unless absolutely essential. Likewise positioning of the arm while sleeping was essential to infusion.
I pushed the pole down the hall to attend an hour of church a couple times and a mother thought it was funny that her child asked where my flag pole was if I came without it. At Christmastime I went shopping with my IV pole once or twice to secure a couple presents for my boys, using the hook at the top to help carry items for purchase.
I spent 7.5 long months connected to a zofran subcutaneous infusion pump. It infuses medication continuously and bonus doses twice daily when needed, which for me, I needed every bonus dose. I was on the maximum dosing available for the zofran pump. I was also on this sedating and exhausting medication called reglan, which provided some relief making it worth enduring the side effects.
Zofran delivered subcutaneously is a profound irritant to the tissue. I would develop a giant painful and itchy welt in each spot. Due to the volume delivered and its irritating effects I changed sites twice per day. I found it very difficult to poke my abdomen with a thick needle, leaving behind the plastic tubing for medication delivery.
During that time I read a few blog posts from women showing pictures of their Zofran pump and describing the whole process for family, friends and other women who might be using a pump. These articles were written after they had delivered their infant and were no longer enduring their nausea plague. It spoke of decorating the zofran case as if it were a fashion statement.
The articles gave no insight into the little respite afforded the tortured existence of a pregnant women anchored to the Zofran pump as a lifeline. Sadly I never reached a point during my pregnancy where the nausea reached a plateau and I experienced enough respite to enjoy the journey while bedazzling my pump case. I longed too. I emotionally punished myself for being incapable of it.
When Mason was delivered the nurse casually mentioned that there was a true knot in his cord. I did not recollect hearing the term before so I asked what that meant. She indicated that at some point during the pregnancy, likely when he was very small, Mason had spun around and created a knot in the cord between him and me. I asked if she saw this very often and she responded that it is not usually compatible with life. She proceeded to recount her personal experience with a nephew, also named Mason, who was stillborn due to a true knot.
Mason's knot cast a shadow of uncertainty over my relief at just delivering by all appearances a perfectly healthy boy. It was disconcerting to discover the tenuous circumstances of Mason's cord. It is miraculous that a healthy child can be created in the presence of minimal maternal nutrient consumption and yet more miraculous that the knot in Mason's cord could have pulled tight at any time robbing him of all life sustaining support, and yet it did not!
In utero as well as in life there are both perceived and unperceived dangers. There are hardships so crippling that they repeatedly bring us to our breaking point. Midtrial we find ourselves searching for the exit that is not to be found. I have been blessed with the ability to choose to become pregnant and deliver 4 healthy children. For which I am profoundly grateful.
I could not be spared from enduring the agony that was my pregnancy experience in order to deliver my own biological children. However, at Mason's birth I was given a glimpse into the tenuous circumstances Mason overcame and a greater appreciation for the tender mercies that were bestowed upon me and him throughout my pregnancy.
