While I am waiting for news...

Well, while I am waiting for news on the betas (doc's office phones don't normally come off the service until 10 am...so no point in calling before then), I figured I would post about a couple of other things...

First, I wanted to thank DMarie for the IF awareness bracelet! It came in the mail a little over a week ago (and, honestly, I lost track of it) - it is LOVELY! Much nicer than I could have done myself. Funny thing is, I had DH put it on for me shortly after receiving it (of course, I am not that nimble to put it on myself)...and when he did, it kept coming off. The knot he created to hold it on just wouldn't stay. Now, of course, it could just be him - although, you would think a former Boy Scout might know how to knot things... I have to ask my mom to put it on me this week.

Back in September 2006, I wrote a post on Why do Butterflies follow me?

It seemed at that time that every walk I took was accompanied by Monarch butterflies, in a specific pattern of play each time (three playing together in one spot, two in another and then one by itself). For a while this year, I have not really seen the Monarch's - only those small white ones, and an occasional (and very beautiful) yellow Swallowtail.

The butterflies are finally back again, but not in the groups the once were. They have been in singles - every day - no matter if I am walking during lunch, or driving my car. Did you ever have a Monarch butterfly play dodge-ball with your windshield on a major highway? I never saw that before, until the last couple of weeks... It is unnerving, thinking you are killing something with your car. But, looking back in my rear-view mirror, the butterflies are just fine, flying happily along.

...It feels as if someone or something is sending a message.

Sunday morning, we took Chris to a street fair a few towns over - met up with my friend K from college (since her DH is a fireman in town and would be with the truck at the fair). We spent about two hours there, and then left for Chris to take his nap. Hubby put Chris down for his nap - I went to the supermarket to pick up some things. When I got home, I put everything away and headed out to the back yard to pick the last of the tomatoes that are coming in the garden.

As I was going through what is left of the garden, I started hearing this strange buzzing, kind of like a Cicada. I looked over, and there was what I thought was two Monarchs mating in the breeze. Now, of course I don't know how butterflies mate...

I turned back to my tomato picking, and I looked over again to where the butterflies were and saw they had landed under a metal chair....and there was a freakin' cat ready to pounce on them! I went screaming at the cat, scaring it off so it wouldn't get at the butterflies.

When I looked again at the butterflies, it turns out they were not two butterflies mating - but one with a badly broken wing.

So, I call my MIL and ask her what I should do - I couldn't just leave the poor thing to be cat-chow to one of at least eight outdoor cats my neighbor's "adopted" and I find sleeping (err, peeing and ruining) in my garden on a daily basis.

Let me add the caveat that I am NOT a cat hater - I am allergic to some (specifically long-haired cats), so to a certain extent, I can't be around them. I adore Zia's cat (Buddy - or, Buddy-Bud-Bud), and had one in my house in college (before the allergy started). What I have the problem with is the neighbors allowing two female cats to have several litters of kittens between them under their back porch - then they feed them, but do not feel they need to spay/neuter them, get them their shots, etc., etc. So, they run rampant, ruining my garden, my MIL's garden and more.

Anyways, getting back to the real story here, my MIL goes on Google and finds out that you can trim a butterfly's wings (not more than 30% of each wing) to remove the injured part and even out both sets of wings to allow it to fly again. She prints out what she found and walked around to my house, while I collected the injured butterfly in a container (adding in a few marigolds so it could eat) and awaited her to get there.

While I was waiting for my MIL to arrive, I saw another Monarch come over...and wondered if I should just release the one I had to it's friend. But, I felt there was just no way this injured butterfly could survive - it could barely fly above the surface of the grass. So, I held on to it.

As per the instructions she found, we put the butterfly in the refrigerator for about 5 minutes to slow its metabolism a little bit, take it out of the refrigerator and bring it outside so we could see where the injury was - the entire top of the left wing was hanging off, as if it had been previously attacked by something with claws (AKA, a cat). So, we trimmed that part off, so the top white spots were no long there - and then put the two wings together and trimmed off the other wing to make the two wings even (the instructions stressed that the wings HAD to be as close to even as possible to create the best ballast for the butterfly to adjust to).

We put it back in the container, to see if the wings were even enough (and so Chris could see it up close - he woke up in the middle of the butterfly drama, and I thought it might be a good learning experience for him) - when we did that, it flew a little bit to the front of our neighbor's house and landed on the Creeping Myrtle. It sat there for a while, flapping its wings, but not attempting to fly. My MIL picked it up again so we could look at it, and we noticed the wings were not totally even. We had to trim the good wing a little more. After doing that, my MIL had it on her finger....and it flew off, perfectly, to the tree across the street. I think it needed to get over the chill from the refrigerator, and get adjusted to its new wing span.

We sat on our front stairs, watching it fly as if it gained a new life. It was actually so fulfilling, helping out a little creature - especially one that has been very dear to me for a while now - who needed a little protection.

Thanks, Google, for allowing us to help it not be cat-chow.

I saved the part of the wing we had to trim off to help it...kind of a reminder of the miracles that surround us every day, and to give me a little bit of hope that maybe this PG might work out.

Here's hoping for some good news over the next few hours....

Seeing things with eyes wide open

So, I've come to a decision over this past weekend...and it has taken into account several things. It has been a decision that has come with much sorrow, many tears, and still some lingering doubts. But, it is a decision I should have probably made this time last year, when I didn't want to realize that my body probably just doesn't want to do this TTC/pregnancy thing anymore.





...I have decided to get rid of all of the baby stuff that has accumulated in our house over the past three years - clothes, toys, stuffies, bottles. All of the things that Chris doesn't use anymore or is just too big for now, and would only be used if there was another infant in the house.

Along with the baby stuff, I have also decided to get rid of all of my maternity clothing.

I am going to ask Hubby's aunt, who works at a major hospital in a very urban city five minutes away from us, about how to donate it all. I was going to try to sell it - but, eBay is jam packed with toys that won't sell, the second hand place near us wants you to sell items on consignment (and she doesn't always contact you when something sells - which means she makes all of the profit), and I am just not up for having a garage sale (I think I would end up crying too much through it at this point). So, I figure there are families out there who are really down on their luck, and who need these things now...especially the clothing. So, I might as well get rid of it that way.

I just want all of it out of my house now. They are reminders of what is probably never going to happen for us now...at least not that I can see.

There are several reasons, very logical and probably, in the end, time saving as well.

First off, we have absolutely NO ROOM to move in our basement and attic. It is full of storage tubs of clothing, toys and other accumulated crap that belongs to neither Chris or I. We want to finish the attic when we return from vacation (it is so large, we can make two bedrooms out of it - we are going to opt for one bedroom and a half bath at this point). Finishing the attic will add value to the house, and help us organize our life a bit. How would we work with all of that stuff up there?

Secondly, moving to a town with a much better school system will probably be a must, so it is just easier to have the crap streamlined now. Hubby is the ultimate pack-rat - if I don't do this now, we will be moving it all in less than two years! So, if I can address it now, then there would be less to move - and less to pay to move. To his credit, Hubby has been selling stuff on eBay - like his wrestling figures, light sabers, hats, guitars he never plays, etc. ...the things that just sit there and do nothing but collect dust. So, some cash is coming in that we can nest away...but he has sooooo much more to go (like a basement and attic-full at his parent's house as well)! It is overwhelming to me.

Third, and probably most importantly, I just don't think my body can handle TTC and pregnancy now. I really, really don't. So why keep these reminders in the house? They are doing nothing but taking up space and collecting dust...and until I know they are gone, they are always there to remind me what I have lost and probably won't get to experience again.

My endocrinologist called and left me a message yesterday - my thyroid b/w from Friday is just perfect. So, how I have been feeling - tired, exhausted, achy, cold - is probably all stress...

...and anxiety.

Ah, the "A" word again... What I had hoped would be an easy fix with an upped dosage of Levoxyl is not. So, that of course means I am going to have to bite the bullet and transition back onto Lexapro. I can't live feeling like this...but being on Lexapro means no TTC. However, I need to be "with it" right now for Chris, and I am not. So I already called Dr. McC about going back on it. He should be calling tonight. I don't think I need the dose I was on previously - but something to help me get back to a semblance of normal.

I finally did get my period last Thursday - Spotting for one week, very light/kinda spotty on Wednesday, then heavy for two days on Thursday and Friday, then light for two days, now nothing. Not quite normal for me - which means either stress is to blame, or I might really have to worry about scarring since thyroid is not the issue. So, I will be calling Dr. D to discuss checking on that as well today. Not that I will be TTC...at least not anytime soon. But, it would be nice not to have to deal with this as well.

I feel like such a quitter. But do I have a choice really? Every time we come close to starting a cycle, the door gets slammed in our faces...or really, MY face.

Hubby has been so supportive on this - and is willing to do what is best for me. His line of thinking is that, if I changed my mind later this year or a year or so down the line and want to try again, we can always borrow the things I want to give away or buy it new as a fresh start. I am not holding out my hopes for that, but at least there is a back-up plan.

I have been thinking back to two things I said around the time I was PG with Chris - and they really haunt me now...

When I was about 5-6 weeks PG with Chris, my nausea was kicking into super-high-gear - I couldn't move without feeling like I was going to puke (which, ironically, I only dry-heaved twice the entire time...). We were trying to get out of the house to spend a few days with my IL's at the shore, since they rented a very small place for the week. I remember sitting on the bed, afraid to move because I felt like I was going to get sick - and saying to Hubby "I don't think I could ever do this again..."

Then, when I was at my six-week check up after Chris was born, I remember joking to Dr. D that I never gave him a run for his money when I was PG - even Chris' birth was scheduled since I wasn't going into labor on my own. And now, if I were to actually get PG again, it would not be the "easy road" I had with Chris.

....Talk about two comments that were a foreshadowing of what we are going through now. I wish I could take those comments back...

Maybe it is too soon to make these decisions...but I can't help but believe that these are the best moves for right now and for the future.

We are leaving for vacation on Saturday...so I have a week to really think about this. But, I think there will be a major clean-out starting in our house when we return on the 8th. I just hope that whomever gets the items we are giving away really enjoys them as much as we did.

I am just so disappointed...and sad that I can't seem to give Chris a sibling to grow up with. I just don't see it happening now.

Illusions of normalcy

Someone from a buddy group of mine sent me a really sweet e-mail over the weekend (besides the comments posted here - thank you all for your kind words) that really affected me - but not in the way I think she had hoped it would:

"I just wanted to say that I really admire the way you are handling the situation. I'm sure it's not easy, but so many parents fall apart or go into some sort of denial that their child has any sort of problem."

You see, I have a much better facade than most people think...

I rarely fall apart in public. Or, to family and friends. Or, to the Hubby. Although, as my boss has mentioned to me, my body language is usually what rats me out eventually...

I choose to suffer in private most of the time - which is what probably triggered the anxiety issues of the past. I don't like to cast my sorrows, fears, anxieties onto anyone else...although I am not afraid to have anyone cast theirs on me.

Guess I have learned martyrdom or stoic-ness well.

I know, logically, Chris' prognosis with PDD-NOS will be good. He is very smart, very affectionate, very willing to interact with others and be a normal little boy. He just needs some help to stop the behaviors that make him "different" and to help him to verbally express himself (which will, in turn, also help him to stop the behaviors that make him "different"). The doctor herself feels that, with the right services now, he will do extremely well.

...And, I know that we have a great support system. Everyone wants to learn what will be his new routines (although someone in particular in that mix needs a blow to the head every once and a while as a reminder that she doesn't know it all). Everyone wants to help beat the challenges he faces.

...And, I also know that eventually he will have the right services to address his needs. I just need the right combination of persistence and patience.

But, the problem is for me right now, besides getting Chris into the programs that he needs to be in, is the impact this diagnosis is going to make on the things that I WANTED for my life.

Very selfish...isn't it??

But, you see, from when I was a little girl, all I ever, EVER wanted out of my life - more than my education, more than my health, more than the things I could acquire in my lifetime - was to have a great marriage, a loving family, to have to two or three children to make my family "complete" and to be able to stay at home with those children and raise them myself.

I do have a great marriage - to a kind man who is willing to put up with my moods and irrational moments, and to support me when I need it most. I can even forgive the pigsty he would have no problem living in, if I weren't on his butt to clean up all of the time.

And, I do have a loving family - especially a son who means more than everything to me. Chris is the best thing in my life - which is driving me so much to get him in the right place, with the right services.

But...

But...

I have already had to sacrifice not being home with Chris. I had to work because of the second mortgage we have hanging over our heads - AKA, Hubby's law school loans (for a career that, quite frankly, he never wanted - it was his parents...er, his mother's...prodding for that). And, I had to work because Hubby just wasn't making enough to cover our expenses (i.e., credit card bills he accumulated in said law school that he hated). And, we needed the insurance coverage - of course, now more than ever.

But...

But...

Now I am getting hit with the fact that, in addition to being cheated out of my time home with Chris - MY chance to be the full time mother, caregiver, educator, boo-boo healer - I probably will never have another living child nor will I get the time at home with any child.

That really, really hurts.

With the real prospect of having to move to a better town with a much better school district vs. the original plan to put Chris in catholic school and stay where we are for a while (until we could save to move), that just about kills any idea of another child... I just don't see how we can afford another child now.

Besides, my chances are not that good as it is, with all of the medical crap I have going on.

And, Chris' health has to be our first priority.

I am trying not to host a pity-party - that won't help Chris in any way. But, the thought of him being an only AND me never having had the time with him at home except for the 2 months of maternity leave when he was a new born just burns a huge, gaping hole in my heart.

I am so, so glad that my mom and my MIL have had time with Chris - that is time they can always cherish, and build a great relationship on as Chris gets older. But, I just feel like I am a part-time parent. I get visitation rights on evenings, weekends and holidays. And, when I have him, there are other things that have to get done too - cook, clean, upkeep the house that we have to upkeep more to try to sell.

...All the while, Chris asks me to "Sit right here!"

That request to play and be happy with him rings in my ears every day. I don't always just get to sit and play. I have laundry to do, dishes to wash, floors to vacuum....things that I could be doing as he naps during the week days when I could have been home.

I know there are women who thrive on the challenge of it all - being a full time mom and a full time professional. I am glad that they can balance it all - and be happy. But, I can't. I don't. I would much rather be neck-deep in sand with Chris or vacuuming while he naps than having to arrange things for people who are going to bitch no matter how well you do it.

You know, I just feel like my God - the one I CHOSE to follow when I was 16 years old, back when I thought things were "hard" with my parents not getting along and school being challenging - really, really let me down. I have prayed so hard - not for monetary things, but for health, for another child, for time with Chris, for Chris' happiness and health, for a good marriage, for patience to let things come to us when they should and in God's time - so hard until my knees were red and numb.

Did he answer? No, not that I can really see that well right now.

Maybe I am expecting too much. Or, my prayers are misdirected in some way. Or, I just lost my faith completely now...thinking it was back when the Gods of Lexapro were in the house.

But, when I took my marriage vows almost nine years ago, I promised so many things - including and especially accepting children from God. Did I do something wrong? I am here, waiting - hands waving high enough, clenched so hard they are turning red - for those children God asked us to accept into our hearts to come.

For some reason, I am passed over. And, as I an passed over, Chris gets whacked with challenges he now has to face at such a young and innocent age, and three other children got called back too soon...were not given a chance to be here with us.

Is it too much to ask for one more child to love? To care for? To want to do anything for?

I mean, I knew friends in college who went home with a guy - every weekend after a party, and not necessarily the same guy. They didn't care about their grades. Didn't care about themselves, their dignity or self-worth. They partied hardy, and lived life on the edge. But, they now have at least two children - no problems getting pregnant, no problems staying pregnant. I knew people who got into all kinds of trouble - alcohol, whatever - and they had no problems having children, even down to the ones that the "didn't want." Even my own sister and brother have 6 children among them - and they were the ones who got into all of the trouble when we were young. Did I not whore around enough? Do I not have enough garbage in my background to now teach my children by example now? Do I not have enough lessons to teach?

Or, is it the other end of the spectrum? Was I not virtuous enough like the Dugger's to be able to give birth like bunnies and have a pack of children? Should I have not used curse words at all? Should I have not had a beer in college? Should I have not given the finger to the guy who almost took the front of my car off with Chris in the car? Should I have given more to the Salvation Army collection at Christmas time?

Yes, I am angry. And frustrated. And disappointed. This is NOT where I wanted my life to be - or Chris' life either - right here and right now.

What did I do wrong?

At the very least, God could have answered one prayer and left Chris alone - kept him perfectly happy and healthy. Why does he have to face these challenges now?

Why couldn't God have allowed me to protect the one precious, living child I was able to have?

It just doesn't seem fair.

Maybe, as Chris gets into the appropriate services, and he begins to improve, I will feel a little bit better about things. Come back to reality a bit more. Think a little more clearly and logically. There are so many things left unanswered right now because we are still waiting for the township's child study team to start their evaluation...all of my worries and upsets and anxieties are based on the things we don't know yet.

But, for right now, I am bitter and angry - not just because of the things that I feel robbed of, but because I couldn't shield Chris from this. I feel like I let him down. I couldn't protect the only living child I have from something that could affect his entire lifetime.

I feel like I have failed terribly at my vocation in this life.

Re-evaluating current priorities (Updated)

Well, I am going to have to re-evaluate my current priorities on TTC... I think at this point, Chris needs my undivided attention now more than ever. This means, of course, that I am probably going to have to put off TTC again (and, no, I have not heard back from Dr. D's office yet **UPDATED BELOW** - I am aggravated, but it is not high on my check-list today).

First off, I can honestly say our pediatrician really, REALLY let us down, and we are very unhappy. Hubby and I are very much in agreement that we will be finding a new one soon (certainly before he needs to go for his next check up at 4 years old). We have for the past year been concerned about his speech (not being able to express himself clearly) and some behaviors he has been displaying (hand-flapping or jumping when excited, not always responding when he is addressed) - every time we brought it up with the pediatrician, we were told to wait - it was probably nothing and he would catch up. They (it is a practice of two) assured us it was not Autism or autism-like disorder since he was very affectionate and was not regressing in speech (just a little behind).

So, we waited - we enrolled him in that nursery school program in February - he improved, but not to the point at what he should be doing verbally for 3 years old.

We went against their recommendations of waiting again in May at his 3 year check up and scheduled the neurological evaluation (we at least got the referral for a neurological eval back in May!). His appointment was this morning - which was a loooong time from May, but the earliest appointment we could get.

Chris was officially diagnosed with Pervasive Developmental Disorder - Not Otherwise Specified this morning. It is an Autism Spectrum disorder, but the doctor told us it is not Autism or Asperger's specific.

The doctor was very positive about his potential - his gross/fine motor skills are very age-appropriate, he has not regressed in any way verbally, he is affectionate, smart, curious, funny, knows his shapes/letters/numbers/colors, happy. We just have to work on getting his speech in line with his age and teach him the appropriate venues for expressing himself. She feels that if we can really work on addressing this now and fast, that he may very well fall out of the diagnosis by the time he his 5 years old.

We are glad, so GLAD, someone has finally listened to us - and given us the path to helping him and helping him now. It is very frustrating when you know your child is a smart, good child but there is something holding him back and no one is willing to help.

So, when I got in to work today, my afternoon has been spent setting up his hearing test (for 9/10 - and, no, our pediatrician NEVER told us he should have one by age 3 anyway!), trying to see if the Child Study Team in our town's Board of Education could move along his eval (we registered him in early July and of course, they can't move up his eval, so we have to wait until mid-September for that - which delays us in getting him in to any specialized program), calling other centers suggested by the neurologist to at least address his speech until we can get him through the district, calling in personal favors (i.e., my boss' wife who knows the director of a particular speech center at another local university) to help fast track other avenues of help, and research the ABA recommendations so we can at the very least work with him on our own better than how we have been this past year.

So, I think it may be in Chris' best interest if we wait again to TTC for now - just a couple more months, until we get him in the right programs to help him on his way. We are setting up so many appointments now for him anyway, I am just not sure there is time to even TRY the monitoring for an IUI. Hubby and I still have to talk about that tonight...there wasn't time this morning since we both had to get in to work.

I will call Dr. D, though, tomorrow - today is surgery day (he is rarely in on surgery Tuesday) and since I got no phone call back yesterday, it is pretty clear Liz did NOT talk to him yet. So, I will call around 10 am tomorrow morning (when Lee, the good nurse, usually is the only one answering phones) and see what I can get.

I am not sure I can justify TTC right now with Chris just starting out on his path to a better future...

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UPDATE: Lee (the nice nurse) called me back a few minutes ago. Dr. D had suggested just starting Clomid and doing an u/s in a week to see where things were. I told her that I really wasn't comfortable with that plan - I would personally like to see a new cycle start and try to verify that no scarring has developed from the d&e/d&c's done. She mentioned that sometimes he does let patients go about a month past the last Provera pill to see if something will start - but, she said to call in a week (and ask for her - yeah!) if I still don't have my period. We will then go from there.

I am okay with that, for now, since Chris has to be our first priority right now - and I told her that. So, it is an update and a temporary answer...we'll see if anything happens over the next week.

Waiting on what to do

Waiting again...

*tapping foot*

I am 12 days past my last Provera pill... Still no period.

This is not right - at least for me, anyway.

*tapping foot*

Took another HPT, and the striking white of the test area is pretty clear that there is no pregnancy to speak of.

...of course, you kinda need the ovulation for that, and the lack of a strong test line proved pretty clear too that there was no ovulation on my own this cycle.

** tapping foot fast**

So, I called Dr. D's office this morning - of course, I got Liz (my not-so-favorite nurse) on the phone and told her what was going on: No PG, no ovulation, no period 12 days out of Provera (although I did have 2 days of very light spotting last week). I also mentioned that my periods over all the last few cycles have been lighter for me. Hell, my last period started with two days of not-quite-spotting but not-quite-period-bleeding!

WTF??

Liz's response was: Wasn't I supposed to come in for a TTC consult with Dr. D since we hadn't met since November 2006?

Apparently, she's working on a way-outdated newspaper... When I spoke to Lee (the faboo nurse and the one I trust since she has been there since I started going to Dr. D many years ago) in June, Dr. D's message was that when AF came, we would just start the Clomid/IUI cycle. So, I politely brought her up to speed on that one.

So, she took everything down (rather annoyed in tone, may I add - I am NOT happy about that one...then again, I am working on what should be my period hormones...) and told me she would call me back after she spoke to Dr. D today.

I know I am going to get the "you shouldn't have taken the Provera without my approval" speech - but, who knew I wouldn't get my period? Besides, I tested several times anyway to make sure I wasn't PG before I started it - I took the appropriate precautions there that I would have been told to do anyway.

So, where is my period?

I have a theory (thanks, Dr. Google for this one) - actually, I have a few. But, the most I am worried about (other than the current stress I am trying to swim through, or the possibility that my thyroid may be acting up again, or the possibility that maybe I stored the Provera wrong in the first place and it just wasn't as effective as it should be) is that I may have developed Asherman's Syndrome.

I really, really love Dr. Google for allaying my fears and anxiety...

Honestly, I have put my uterus through a work-out over the past three years: one live birth, one natural early m/c, one d&e for a m/c that wouldn't start followed up by one d&c less than 6 months later because I couldn't live with waiting for another m/c to start. And, the fact that I have cramping often (even without a period pending), that my periods seem to be lighter than they have been in the past, and my period has not shown up after Provera (which has NEVER happened), I am starting to really worry...

So, I am waiting to see what Dr. D has to say.

...and my cell phone will be glued to me until I hear back from him...

I have not had an HSG since 6/03 - maybe it is time to take a look in there and see what the heck is going on.

I am so tired of thinking in terms of worst-case-scenario... But, that seems to be how life has been the past 18 months of TTC again.

Murphy's law strikes again.

Damn it...all I want is one more child. Why do I keep hitting these roadblocks? Every time I feel like things are in place to try again, another detour pops up without warning.

...Maybe I should just start taking the hint and call this journey over.

Damn it.

So freakin frustrated...

Where the hell is my period??? It has been 8 - count it EIGHT - days since I finished the Provera, and I had two whopping days of minimal spotting.

WTF???

I have never, EVER had this happen? What the heck am I supposed to do now? I have taken a few HPT's just to make sure I didn't make a huge mistake - all of them were negative. So, I know I am not PG. Kinda need to ovulate for that, which didn't happen.

I am so bloated out the wazzuu, I am crampy, I am moody... And, nothing.

Nothing.

If I don't have anything by Monday, I am going to call Dr. D. This is just ridiculous.

All I want to do is get this cycle STARTED, and here I am sitting, waiting, again.

This is really pissing me off.

Uh, like I need this BS right now!

...Be prepared! This is a LOOOOOONG post!

So, I have mentioned a few times now how my work load has been off the charts, and how I can't keep up at work and that it is trickling down into my personal life because I am just exhausted when I get home (which translates into early bedtime for me and minimal communication with the people I care about).

Remember my magic wand???




...Apparently it is malfunctioning - BIG TIME!

Okay, okay... Let me start from the beginning...

I have been having a hard time at work lately (nothing new really since the more work I do here, the more work I get to do, and so on and so on.). It's been visible to a few people. How could it not? But, up until Thursday, no one really asked me to talk about it - which is fine, because I usually don't talk until I am ready. My Director (we'll call him "F" for now since he is references in the e-mails I am about to post) knows that, my Center Administrator knows that.

CrazyS (which is what I will call our new Associate Director - she started on June 1st with a less than stellar response from all of us on our staff here...I'll explain more in a bit) does not know that...and has now blown this current situation - and other things completely unrelated to me (which makes me feel a bit better - at least I know it is NOT me with the issue) - out of proportion and out of proportion via e-mail no less.

Real, real classy!

Let me back-track to the issues that started coming up... In a nut-shell:

• She wants everything spoon-fed to her instead of being resourceful and attempting to find things on her own. Not really going to work around here since ALL of us are overloaded. We all are able to find most things on our own on other people's machines - that is why Microsoft created FILESHARING!'
• She keeps asking for things that have been sent to her already - several times. And, then, she tries to make it look like YOU were the one who dropped the ball. It's as if she only reads e-mails that are "important" to her. And, I don't think she pays attention to the fact that I CC myself on EVERYTHING as a back-up! I KNOW when I sent something, damn it!
  
• Her e-mails about what she wants are in no way clear, nor are they kind most of the time (probably demanding is a better word). For example, here are some things she has sent me (hopefully you can see what I mean after extracting snippets of various e-mails):
  

"Here is the Epi Report with F's changes. Some formatting needs to be done again. It's almost done. Please print a copy for me and I will read it one last time for typos and then you can enter it."
**Notice NO reference to exactly WHAT formatting needs to be changed - or even if I am the one who needs to do it? And, the report cannot be entered until F sees it one more time - she can't make that decision to just enter it.

"I will make a directory on my computer called NSF-BioMath as soon as I

get in. We can still use Brenda's former directory system as a

repository, but I would prefer to work in my shared directory."
** Not going to work since my director wants all of the reports in one place - so that it is easier for me to work on them with 3 different associate directors. She agreed already in person with myself and the other 2 associate directors that she would not work from her machine - she would work from the main report repository.

"I'll take that document and discuss it with F briefly and only

then let's make the email lists and send out messages and all that."
** Say what? ONLY THEN?? That's a little rude.

• She spent more time this week bitching that the hotel vans were late (uh, hello? Did you realize there is RUSH HOUR TRAFFIC) than worrying about our main speaker almost passing out during his talks from low bloodsugar because he chose not to eat breakfast.
• She opted NOT to work on a report that was due 7/31 until the weekend before - even though I had it ready for her as she ASKED by the end of June. So, it then became an emergency for ME to get in at the last second so the NSF didn't slap us on the wrist for being late.
  

There is more to the list...it's ever growing.

She spent the bulk of the day Thursday telling me that the program was running "perfectly." It was a "huge success." PUHLEEEEZZE! It has been running just fine - I know that - I've run the freakin program for NINE YEARS now. I don't need her "reassuring" me like I am 2 years old. I know when things are going right or wrong. I just need her out of my office this week so I could somehow catch up on some of the work that has been piling up on my desk. She just wouldn't get the casual hints.

So, she took it upon herself after to talk to my Director Thursday because "I looked upset"...and then came into my office and closed the door so we could "talk." Quite frankly, I have been in such a bad mood for a couple of weeks now - so many deadlines to meet, not enough time to do them, too many stupid questions from people who should be smarter (book-wise anyway) than me - that I have been on the verge of either lashing out at someone (which I didn't want to do - I am better than that) or cry myself into a puddle of blubber. So, I said to her that I needed to talk to our Director, which I would do eventually when there was time, and I would talk to her later - saying in passing that I have a lot of work to do, needed to talk to him about how to prioritize things, and that there were some things at home bothering me, and I just didn't feel up to talking.

i.e. There is some personal things that she is just NOT privy to! I am NOT going to tell her that we are TTC again after three miscarriages. I am not going to tell her we are concerned with Chris' speech and his upcoming evaluation. These are things that are overlapping with the workload that only F and my Center Admin are privy to!

Apparently my hint didn't work... She marched right back into my director's office and met with him again.

So, I get this e-mail early yesterday morning:

"Hi T (me),

Hope you are feeling better after your discussion with F yesterday.

This morning I made the mistake of checking my email before leaving and there were so many emails, some disturbing, I couldn't get out on time. I'm afraid I won't get there in time to open the conference. I'll do my best, but most likely you'll have to do the honors. I hope you don't mind. I have an extremely tight schedule and I really try to avoid getting distracted, but sometimes it just happens.

Thanks,
S"

So, I responded to her saying it was no big deal if she was late - I could handle it, which I did. No problems.

But, I did not respond to the "Hope you are feeling better after your discussion with F yesterday" comment. That is NOT professional to say in an e-mail unless you were out sick the day before.

Then, I received THIS second e-mail yesterday morning from her, around 11:30 am (and, no, she was not here yet):

"T,

I'm sending you the message F sent me. I'm deeply dissapointed that you didn't share this with me before complaining to F. I've done everything possible to make things easier for you. I'm working hard just like you. Whenever you cannot or will not do something I simply say "okay." We've never exchanged one cross word. When you are upset I try to reassure you that everything is going well.

I'm sending you brief emails with itemized lists because you asked me to do that. You didn't want me coming to your office and trying to discuss things with you. There's only so much you can communicate over emails.

You never said a word to me and then to turn around and complain about me to the boss, just isn't right. I never would have complained about you to anyone without letting you know first and giving you a chance to fix things.

You and F are having a problem with your workload - you said this to me many times. It's not right to involve me in your conflict like this.

If F misunderstood then it is up to you to explain that to him. If I don't hear from F that he misunderstood the email I sent you, then I'll assume you complained about me behind my back.

S
_______________________


**Thanks for sending me a copy of the email you sent T. I think that part of the problem is the tone of the email. Of course, you sent it before you and I talked this afternoon. We have an atmosphere at DIMACS in which we treat all of the staff as professionals and as equals. Somehow, the wording in your email seemed like it was simply telling T what to do rather than discussing it with her. It would have been better to have your ideas come as suggestions as to how you might prefer to have things work or how T or anyone else might make changes in procedures. Also, since we all share jobs and exchange pieces of jobs, it is sometimes necessary to do things in a way that is better for others, even if it is more work. That may be the case with the report system. I do think that this will eventually iterate to a good solution that everyone is happy with. It just means we all have to work on it."

WTF?? How old are we? And, how exactly DID you get a PhD with this kind of "etiquette"?? This was rather immature and shitty of her to send. I chose not to respond - I gave it to my director to handle.

First off, there has never been a time I "did not want to do something." Asking for food to show up magically at 11:45 when IT IS 11:45 is just freaking IMPOSSIBLE!!! Unless, of course, my magic wand is working...or the food comes out of my ass.

I wanted e-mails of what she wants for MY protection - so, sending me e-mails instead of face-to-face conversations is true on her end. BUT, her e-mails are unclear or twisted, and I can't figure out what the hell she wants most of the time - or, they are just completely wrong. If I try to clarify, the answers are just as twisted. It's a no-win situation there. But, my plan of e-mails is working for MY protection now, thank goodness!

Yes, I did go to my boss about my issues first - mainly because the last time I tried to handle an office conflict on my own, it blew up in my face because the person did not like hearing what was REALLY going on...and I suspect the same would have happened here. As much as I am frustrated with F right now, he is a great, great person and has been there for me more times than I can count. We are very similar in work ethics - to a fault really since we both cannot say no to things and we want to make sure things go right on something we have done - and sometimes that will cause minor friction between us. In times like this current situation, I wanted to sound off what I was feeling about S before I spoke to her (I didn't want things misconstrued, which they are anyway and probably would have been had I tried to talk to her on her own) - and he thinks that was the appropriate channel to go through. I was planning on talking to her about everything yesterday - until that second e-mail came in. It is apparent she would not be reasonable about anything.

Oh, F and I HAVE no conflict! No deep-seeded issues! We get along very, very well - and we are in no way putting her in the middle. He and I get into not-so-eye-to-eye talks sometimes, but they always work out. F and my Center Admin get into the same situations at times too. It is the nature of the amount of work we are expected to get done. She can't figure that out because she just hasn't been here long enough to see how we all work together. But, she is insisting this is the heart of the issue - that F and I are just not getting along. That is not the case AT ALL.

And, what the HELL is she sending me a personal e-mail like that from F at the end?!?! F trusted her to use it wisely, she did not. She twisted it yet again...

...Although, I must say that my Director is a CLASS ACT! He was very diplomatic in that section of e-mail...which she could not see.

I come to find out after this second e-mail that she sent some VERY disturbing e-mails to F and our Center Administrator around the same time this e-mail came in to me. Things in no way related to me - but related to others in the office, like "someone wouldn't give her a copy code" (she never asked) and "someone didn't want to give her a parking permit (because it is her responsibility to GO GET A STAFF PERMIT FROM PARKING instead of doing an end-run to not have to shell out the cash for the staff permit!!). It was so bad, F called my Center Admin in to the office on her day off to call University Relations about what to do. I am not sure what was in those e-mails - and I don't care to know. All I know is the issue is WELL beyond just me.

F talked to her again yesterday for almost an hour - she stormed out of his office (which is across from mine) afterwards. He confronted her with a lot of the crap she had been slinging - and also suggested that she talk to me to straighten things out. She does not want to talk to me - she is too "upset" about it.

Pish-pash. She got caught in her own crap.

So, she sent this at 3:59 pm yesterday:

"It would be very difficult for me to handle tomorrow's events. Is it possible to get someone else to do it? I feel quite bad about not being there to see people off after getting to know them over the week, but I have my limits. I've worked every weekend for some time now and put in such long hours this week, I'm exhausted. So I would greatly appreciate if you found a replacement."

Uh, and what am I in the working the weekends department?? Chopped liver??? So glad she acts responsibly for the position of Associate Director.

When F saw that, he told me we would use the speaker to moderate today - and that he would give her the chance to change her mind and have her show up. BUT, when I checked my e-mail last night, I saw this response instead:

"I am sorry that this week has been so exhausting for you. These one-week programs are intensive and everyone works hard at them.

I have to say that telling me at 3:59 PM on a Friday afternoon that you felt you couldn't come in for the planned Saturday morning session of the Reconnect program was not acceptable. However, luckily, I have arranged for coverage so there is no need for you to come in tomorrow."

For F, them's fightin' words! F is the calmest person I know - I have only heard him yell at one person in the 9+ years I have worked here. It looks like she will be #2 soon enough.

I am not sure what is going to happen at this point - all I know is F and my Center Admin trust me and my work and my judgment. They feel I took the right steps to rectify this (especially NOT having talked to her on my own because it would have gotten twisted anyway), and she twisted and turned it to attempt to work in her favor - which it has not. My Center Admin thinks she just an outright cookoo clock and wants to see her go. F is a little more cautious because we DO work for a University and it is hard to fire someone without justification (although she is still in the 90 day trial period of employment - he can terminate without cause right now).

I think the heart of the matter here is she likes to do research, not administrative stuff. Writing reports and moderating programs is probably NOT what she expected out of this job - and she's not happy. She wants to write her papers...but that is not what the job is!

Which is not OUR problem, now is it?

She is still commuting from New York to get here - and she has less than 3 weeks to find a new place around here before she looses her lease on the current house. I think she has been stalling finding a new place (which would require finding a good school district for her 3 children) because she doesn't like her duties here - and was trying to find a way out.

She may have found that out - but not on her terms.

Well, at least the programs are over as of today...I am slowly beginning to dig out of my piles and come back to civilization and learning the Bass Guitar.

I am not sure what is going to happen with her... If she ends up staying, I hope we can come to some sort of workable truce... If she goes, then my workload will get heavier again until a replacement can be found.

I'll keep you posted...

Warped perceptions

Busy, busy, busy... Feels like life is revolving around me and I can't ever catch up anymore.

...So may blogs I haven't been able to read lately. ...My BG's ignored or if I am lucky, minuscule posts left. ...So many journeys I have had to leave by the wayside. ...My "real life" friends and family putting off plans until I can get through the next few weeks and reappear with my July from hell at work over and done.

How did I do this nine years ago when the programs were six weeks long, not two?

How did I have the patience for the stupid questions these participants have, like "Oh, the hotel van is five minutes late, what do I do?"

...and these people teach our kids in school... SCARY!

Remember when I said I had a good feeling about TTC in June/July (see How much do your trust your instincts?)?

That's in the trash now. I feel no hope or optimism at all.

Nada.

No ovulation this month...after using two boxes of daily ovulation tests. Delays with Dr. D's office setting us back, which helped "produce" the lack of ovulation this month (well, at least it produced something!)... And even if this cycle had progressed right, or I had ovulated on my own, I doubt anything would have worked since I am just dragging myself in from work right now anyway.

...In no mood to DTD.

...More delays...

I've been thinking lately about some of the things that people have either posted to me on my blog, or e-mailed me, or posted on other blogs... The things that make me "look" as if I have it all together... That I am more confident in who I am. Like:

"I love that your blog about something as painful as infertility and recurrent pregnancy loss is entitled "My Many Blessings". It is just that grace and humility that astounds me on a daily basis about the infertility blogosphere, " from Karen at My Perky Ovaries

"You are in such a good place with all of this, Tina. I'm envious. You've worked very hard at it and you deserve the reap the rewards," from Adrienne at Max's Mommy

From Mel's blog over at Stirrup Queens and Sperm Palace Jesters:

Redefining Me (referring to an older post): I had a really hard time choosing, but this post spoke to me just a little bit more than the others that I was considering. Tina has come so far in the past year, and this post really shows that. The perspective and peace she has attained with regards to her recurrent losses is inspiring. This post is a reflection on moving forward and loving the now, but still holding the past and the lessons learned in a special place.
from the Friday Blog Roundup Extravaganza

"My Many Blessings was the first blog I came across that wrote about miscarriage. In addition to stories about her son, she shares stories about her three lost babies. It was comforting to read about positive things in her life despite such heartache shortly after my own loss. It appears that she has many readers, but she takes the time to respond to comments despite her hectic life. I really appreciate the help she has given to me during my grieving process"
from Secret Ode Day #2

I wanted to thank all of you - the ones I know and the ones who remain nameless - for the kind comments you have left for me (there are more that I keep stashed in my e-mail...that I don't ever want to throw away). The BIGGEST thing your comments have given me is the sense that my journey has at least helped someone get through their own heartbreak. I suppose that is one of the things we all hope for when we open our lives up for everyone to read. It is heartwarming to know that my life can touch another's - and I don't even need to meet them face-to-face.

But, sometimes, when I read these comments, I wish I knew who you were talking about. These comments don't sound like me to me...especially right now. Make sense?

I guess I am just tired and overworked... I can't say I am in a BAD mood - at least I am not off my rocker like I was pre-Lexapro (even with being off of it for a month now). But, I am frustrated... I want to be back to TTC again and I want my workload to lighten to allow for that.

I just need to get through to August 4th...then I can kick everyone out and go back to "normal."

I wish I knew what to do about TTC now... I have to talk to Hubby over the weekend (err, really Sunday since I have to work all day tomorrow) about it. Do I take Provera now (my secret stash from last fall) and urge the Red Storm to arrive early and start Clomid possibly during the next program? Do I be patient a wee bit, then take Provera, lather, rinse, repeat? Do I wait to see if my period shows all on my own...and risk starting this cycle and monitoring while in vacation over the week of Labor Day???

I gotta think...with half a brain...

Thanks, Rush, for this:

Far Cry
by Rush

Pariah dogs and wandering madmen
Barking at strangers and speaking in tongues
The ebb and flow of tidal fortune
Electrical changes are charging up the young

It's a far cry from the world we thought we'd inherit
It's a far cry from the way we thought we'd share it
You can almost feel the current flowing
You can almost see the circuits blowing

One day I feel I'm on top of the world
And the next it's falling in on me
I can get back on
I can get back on
One day I feel I'm ahead of the wheel,
And the next it's rolling over me
I can get back on
I can get back on

Whirlwind life of faith and betrayal
Rise in anger, fall back, and repeat
Slow degrees on the dark horizon
Full moon rising, lays silver at your feet

You can almost see the circle growing
You can almost feel the planet glowing
One day I fly through a crack in the sky
And the next it's falling in on me
I can get back on
I can get back on

I do feel that "one day I feel I'm ahead of the wheel, and the next it's rolling over me."

Unsure of what I am feeling these days

I've been MIA for a while... Work has been kicking my ass, with preparing for two back-to-back summer programs (7/17-7/24 and 7/29-8/4), seven reports to submit to our funding sources, and a dumb as can be space survey for our department which will garner us no extra cash. All of this has to be done before July 31st - and I am drowning in the work.

Maybe it was a good thing not to be doing an IUI cycle in the midst of this. Where would I make up the friggin time?

Oh, did I mention that my house is torn apart still? Not that it is a bad thing really - I have pics to post of the before, during and after of the living room, and it is going to look great! But, trying to get Hubby to move his behind and do the things he needs to do (like order/set up the install of the matching carpeting for the new area, getting new alarm sensors for the new windows, helping to organize Chris' toys so we can put things away once the addition is finished) is a feat worse than death. I love him dearly, but he is one of the LAZIEST people I know! I hate to nag him on things (or, better put, try not to put too much pressure on myself to control the situation), but I already had to threaten throwing his clothes out the front bedroom window if he didn't put them away! My side of the bedroom is relatively clear - his, you need a fork-lift to pass through! It's insane that he can find his underwear!

Anyways, first and foremost...

Speaking of the Hubby...




...Hubby GOT A NEW JOB!!!




WoooHooo! He can finally say farewell to his current bipolar boss! He went on an interview with the University law school on June 25th and was told he would hear about the job about 3-4 weeks from that date (the director was heading out for vacation the next day). After the interview, he got a call from a firm about 20 minutes north of us to come in for an interview too - it was scheduled for early morning June 27th. By the time he got into work and settled in that day, they were calling him to make an offer!

Waaaaay cool!

He starts his new job on July 23rd. He will have the same health benefits I have (not the faboo plan I have, but the same company so I wouldn't have to find new docs to go to) and is making WAY more $ than at his current job. Which means that, by this time next year...



...I should be quitting working full time!!!



Woohooo!



So, I am currently thinking of these summer programs as the last I will run here (ten summers worth, to be exact!), but not saying anything until (hopefully) I am pregnant again and approaching 5-6 months along so I can tell my bosses to hire someone and let me train them before I leave.

The thought of being able to spend 2-3 more days a week with Chris is very exciting. We need it right now, since he is starting to rebel a bit on me. Chris has decided he is going to give me (and ONLY ME) a hard time at dinner with eating things I KNOW he will eat for my mom and MIL. Insert he can manage to eat his dessert - which just doesn't fly in my book! He is constantly looking for my attention when I am home - which he is totally justified in asking for, but I can't always give him right then and there since I have to squish cooking/cleaning/etc. into an already tight schedule. I hate the fact he is already three years old and has grown up so much without me. It would be nice to spend more time with him than with my bosses. He deserves that since he was so longed for and not easy to come into our lives.

The only (minor) glitch is if the University law school calls Hubby and makes him an offer too. He really, REALLY wants that job - but, since I already work for the University and know it's payroll process fairly well, I am just not sure he would be making as much right off the bat as he is with this new firm...

...Which could mean my plan of cutting to part time might get scrapped or delayed.

I would like to see him work for the University (then I would REALLY have the same health plans as I have now if I quit to part time and he would be in a position he could enjoy more with his JD), but I also want and need to be home more.

...So, we are waiting until we hear something.

Chris' speech is getting much, MUCH better now - figures, since his evaluation with the pediatric neurologist is just a month away! But, I we are still going through the eval process, just to be on the safe side. He is coming out with stuff that can make you pee your pants with laughter, which is great.

...But, that also means he is growing up more. And, I am sad for that, while also glad for it.

I still have to post on Mommy's garden...and post pics. I did get that Mountain Laurel plant I wanted:





...and it looks like one of the flowers may be ready to bloom, even though it might be slightly out of season for it. If it does, I will post the pic.

I am picking so much stuff from my vegetable garden: Herbs, cherry tomatoes, zucchini's and broccoli! We made baked potatoes with the broccoli, grilled zucchini, dried my herbs and made lemon-dill carrots with the dill from the garden. It is YUMMY! And, very relaxing to me...

I have to get to posting those pics this weekend - especially the ones with the butterflies that have arrived because of all of the attractive flowers!

On the medical front:

I was officially diagnosed with Ménière's Disease. I have to call the ENT back and ask her what I need to do - the diagnosis was left on my answering machine. Professional, no? All I know is that I am supposed to limit my sodium intake - which I already do now. Luckily, there is no impact on TTC and pregnancy. This condition is more of a major inconvenience when a dizzy spell comes along - as long as I don't manage to pass out from one, which almost happened last July when the dizzy spells started. It is autoimmune in nature, so Dr. McC is going to have to constantly check for other autoimmune disorders since this is my second autoimmune issue diagnosed in less than a year.

Joy. Don't you just LOVE genetics??

I have officially been off Lexapro completely for 16 days. Now, I have not needed to take a Xanex in all this time - even with being in a jam-packed concert hall for the Rush concert Sunday night. But, I can feel some of those familiar symptoms begin to show if I am too overwhelmed (which is often right now with the workload) or exhausted or upset. I can say that I can at least begin to "turn them off" by realizing what they are and saying to myself that the reaction is unnecessary. But, the fact that I can feel them in the first place after only 16 days worries me if I do manage to get PG. What the hell do I do then with the symptoms?

I am still not sure of Dr. D would allow me to take Zoloft while TTC - which, from what I have read is rather safe to take vs. Lexapro while TTC. It would be nice to know that.

...Although, I have to say that the one good thing about not being on Lexapro now is that I have more interest in s.e.x - which, I am sure Hubby is happy about and hopefully will help out with TTC.

Speaking of TTC, I am on CD 17 and no + OPK's yet. I can feel pains like ovulation pain on both sides again and see changes in CM, but nothing on the OPK's (yet). The way I figure it, if I do manage to ovulate on the same CD as the magic ovulation cycle of last month, I would be ovulating on this Friday, the 13th. Figures. But, I have to say that Friday, the 13th's have always been pretty good for me... So, maybe that wouldn't be such a bad thing.

I have been dragging my butt, though, on calling Dr. D's office about setting up the TTC protocol. I have not heard from his office yet - and it's been well over two weeks since I made the first phone call to try to get things started with this cycle. I KNOW Dr. S has sent the TTC clearance letter to him several times now (via fax and snail mail), which was the first stall factor, so there is no stalling on that now. But, I am just not sure what is going on over there... Does he want to see me for another consult? Does he want me to go to the IF clinic instead of him doing the cycle? Is he hesitant with moving forward with a cycle with all that is going on with me medically now? And, in a way, I am too scared myself to make the phone call to find out.

Talk about being a baby about this.

But, trying to set this up already hasn't started off on the right foot - and I am just not ready to hear that I have to wait some more, for whatever the reason. I have waited long enough to get this show on the road - and I don't want to see another tie-up.

...And, I am trying to fight my old way of thinking (the pessimistic, lack-of-control, overwhelmed with doubt way) and replace it with the more positive ways I have been thinking as of late (the allowing things to happen as they need to, give up the control over something I have no control over in the first place way).

It is not easy to continue to be positive and strong when your first step gets swatted down like a fly looking for a meal.

...And I get to deal with this comment this morning from the catering manager at the hotel we are using for the program next week:

"No pressure to get prego the 2nd time around, but when you want it so badly, it takes that much longer. It'll happen when you least expect or try for it. Easier said than done, I know! I know a few people with fertility problems, they haven't gotten pregnant once. It's a blessing that you know you can get pregnant. That's half the battle."

We were bantering back and forth (politely and from what I thought was professionally) about our kids...and she asked when we were going to TTC #2. I gave her this response (since she was overstepping her bounds after only corresponding for a few weeks and prying):

"Things have not turned out quite like we planned and had hoped a second would have already happened."

and had hoped she would have left it at that. Even with infertile friends, I guess she doesn't get when to end the conversation. But, since I am out about my IF anyway, I might as well set the record straight with this:

"Actually, it took us 18 months to try to conceive our son and it only happened with my ob's intervention with meds and an IUI procedure. And, the big issues now are recurrent miscarriages along with the fertility issues. So, I can certainly understand where your friends are coming from, although I am very, very lucky to finally have my son. So, we will see what the future holds."

We'll see of this slows her down a bit.

So, with butterflies in my stomach, I will call Dr. D's office this morning and find out what's going on...

...I'll be back to report...

...If I manage to get a straight answer.

*** ETA: I got my guts up and called Dr. D's office. We are set to go - no consult needed!

Here are the scenarios we are to follow:

1. If this cycle is a BFN, we are going to start with Clomid/IUI in the next cycle!! WooHoo!!
2. If I don't ovulate within the next week or so, or basically don't get a new cycle going within a month and I am not PG, we will induce a period (...which I still have a Provera bottle untouched in my medicine cabinet for!!!) and start the cycle then.
3. If I do ovulate this cycle, we will try one more cycle on our own and see if I ovulate. If I do and I still get a BFN, then we are on to Clomid/IUI after that. He is not making us wait 6 months to try on our own. ...Then again, I don't have to be too truthful with this and I can just call and tell him I got a new cycle without an ovulation...
   

So, we finally have some movement! I am relieved now...and some of the stress is off for a while...

...All on my own...

....Again.

CD 5 here.

Dr. D's office never called back...

...Actually, when I tried to call his office, I got the answering service...two days in a row.

I guess they are off for the 4th holiday, like they usually do...

...And, I am left praying I will ovulate this cycle now...all on my own.

Damn it.

A test in letting go of control and guarantees

I took an unexpected day off yesterday from work - Chris started to get this horrible rash Sunday night, and it got worse over the course of Monday. Come yesterday morning, raised, red bumps were all over him. Luckily, he had no fever, did not appear to have any flu-like symptoms, and he was not scratching at it. But, it looked horrible. So, we called his pediatrician and we were told to haul him in. We did that - and it turned out that he is allergic to amoxicillin. Who knew? He had been on the antibiotic for the strep I gave him for over a week before the rash appeared! Now that he is finished with it, we just have to wait until the rash goes away...and we can never give him a penicillin-based antibiotic in the future (we had to all the pharmacy to have them mark it in his files).

Anyways, so by the time we were done with the pediatrician, it was after 10:30 am - the doctor's office (like almost ALL of my doctor's offices) is about 45 minutes away from our house, and since I had to drop Chris and my MIL off, I wasn't going to leave for work until at least 11:30 am. It takes me about 45 minutes to get to work. So, by the time I got here for work, it would have been past 12:30 pm. What's the point going in then? I called my boss - she said sure, take the day. So, I did.

Rebel!

My MIL and I decided to take Chris to K-Mart to do some shopping and adventuring - which, of course, resulted in some goodies for the boy with the funky rash. After that, we traveled home, gave Chris lunch, let him swim in the baby pool in my MIL's backyard. While he was swimming, I headed back to my house for a bit since Chris would be going down for a nap shortly after anyway. I figured since I took the day, I could get some other things done that I wanted to do - and do them while Chris was down for his nap.

So, I changed out of my work clothes and headed outside so I could put mulch down in the front garden. We finally finished the front (except for buying the Mountain Laurel from the Back to the grind... post from last week - I am buying that today on my way home from work to put in over this coming weekend since the nurseries I called last week who allegedly "had it" in reality didn't), except for the mulch. I did that for about an hour - and sweat my fanny off in the process! Once I was done, I went inside, cleaned up a bit, had a snack, painted my toe nails (I bought open-toes sandals finally!), watched a little of Days of Our Lives. Once that was all done, I decided to back my mom's birthday cake for today:





As I was in the middle of mixing the batter, it occurred to me that I shouldn't have been making this cake just for my mom yesterday - I should have been backing it for my mom AND my angel I lost in November 2005.

It should have been my second angel's 1st birthday today - June 27th.

It is not like I forgot about the date - I haven't forgotten by a long shot, and I doubt I ever will. But, I suppose I have become so at peace with what life has dealt me thus far that I just haven't had the need to push to remember or commemorate this day - to make it a full day of mourning anymore. I think of my angel babies more than anyone can imagine - wonder what they would be doing now, how different life would be now with them here with us. It is a daily thing that I do alone - when I look at Chris, at his room which would have been the babies room, when I look at our family photo of just the three of us.

Maybe Hubby thinks about them as much as I do too... I never asked...and I don't want to pry either.

But, at the same time, I know they are with me always - wherever I go and whatever I do. I feel them when my charm bracelet tinkles as the charms hit each other when I move my arm:



I think if them when I see my memory boxes on my dresser in our bedroom:



I know they are with me - with us - when I see that special twinkle in Chris' eyes:



I don't have this need anymore to take the day off and mourn their loss, to mourn what today is not.

My mom, Chris and I already shared a piece of the cake this morning when I brought him over to her house for the day... And, I remembered my baby as we shared it.

...But, I also began to realize yesterday as I put the cake in the oven that I am obsessing again on TTC.

...And, I have to stop doing that.

I spent the better part of the 2WW last cycle testing when I KNEW there was no way in hell I would see a BFP - and justifying it as I needed to know so we can adjust the Levoxyl levels. Now, I DO have to know early to adjust the thyroid med levels to try to prevent another miscarriage - but, not at 9 DPO. I went back on the message boards at FF and began posting in the forums that I knew I shouldn't be posting in. When I knew the Witch was coming, I started obsessing about the next cycle - how it would go, what meds we would use. I started getting upset about things not going right trying to set up this next cycle with Dr. D.

...Hubby has noticed it.

...So have I.

It has taken me so, so long to STOP thinking this way - and I find myself doing it again instinctively, unconsciously.

It has to stop.

So, I never called Dr. D's office yesterday to find out if he finally received the clearance to TTC from Dr. S. I figured it was his surgery day - he wasn't going to see it anyway since he rarely in the office on surgery day, so why bother pushing the issue with Lee and Liz? What am I going to change by stalking them? Not much.

I am going to call the office shortly - really to find out if they received the clearance. But, I am not going to push to move forward this cycle. If Dr. D would prefer to meet with us again, have me do another exam - whatever short of standing on my head for an hour while singing the Star Spangled Banner - I will do that and then move on from there.

I am trying to find that delicate balance of being my own best medical/TTC advocate and not being obsessed over having another child to the point where it destroys me.

And, it is hard.

This is going to be a HUGE test in letting go of the control and guarantees. Nothing is perfectly in our control - and nothing is guaranteed. Chris was a blessing - perfect in every way. But, I have learned the hard way from my miscarriages that nothing is guaranteed - even if I get PG again, that doesn't mean I will bring a baby home to nurture and love. Just because my body figured out how to ovulate on its own doesn't mean that 1) my body will do it again and 2) it will produce a child to push things around in my body for 9 months. Just because I take Clomid and set up an IUI doesn't mean I will end up PG again with a viable, uneventful pregnancy.

I have invested so much time in counseling - Dr. P has taught me how to give up control on things that are just never guaranteed - I can't allow myself to obsess or push anymore. It only steals away time for Chris, Hubby and myself...time that is too short as it is.

So, what will be, will be. Right?

Let It Be
The Beatles

When I find myself in times of trouble, mother Mary comes to me,
speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
And in my hour of darkness she is standing right in front of me,
speaking words of wisdom, let it be.

Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be.
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be.

And when the broken hearted people living in the world agree,
there will be an answer, let it be.
For though they may be parted there is still a chance that they will see,
there will be an answer. let it be.

Let it be, let it be, .....

And when the night is cloudy, there is still a light, that shines on me,
shine until tomorrow, let it be.
I wake up to the sound of music, mother Mary comes to me,
speaking words of wisdom, let it be.

Let it be, let it be, .....

Can anyone tell me why it is so hard to truly live these words??

The Larger Bowl (A Pantoum)
By Rush

If we're so much the same like I always hear
Why such different fortunes And fates?
Some of us live in a Cloud of fear
Some live behind iron gates

Why such different fortunes and fates?
Some are blessed and some are cursed
Some live behind iron gates
While others only see the worst

Some are blessed and some are cursed
The golden one or scarred from birth
While others only see the worst
Such a lot of pain on the Earth

The golden one or scarred from birth
Somethings can never be changed
Such a lot of pain on this Earth
It's somehow so badly arranged

Somethings can never be changed
Some reasons will never come clear
It's somehow so badly arranged
If we're so much the same like I always hear

Some are blessed and some are cursed
The golden one or scarred from birth
While others only see the worst
Such a lot of pain on the Earth

How true is this?

Getting nervous on TTC protocol

So, I called Dr. D's office this morning to let him know I got the Red Storm this morning...calling as per Liz's instructions (the nurse who I can never remember her name)...

...but, when I spoke to Lee (the nurse who's really up on things and the one I usually talk to), she said she was not sure if Dr. D would give me the go-ahead for meds/IUI this cycle - 1) because my consult and last exam was in November 2006 (which I knew), 2) she didn't see the clearance to TTC come through from Dr. S's office (I am sure it is there - their new "electronic record keeping" system is not always reliable) and 3) because I ovulated on my own this cycle, he may want to see if I do it again.

Damn it! This is not what I wanted.

I am waiting for Lee to call my back here at work after she talks to Dr. D.

I don't want to wait another cycle (or more) to get in to see him... No one said I needed to! I told them two months ago that once I was cleared, we wanted to move forward. No one said I might have to haul in for another consult/check-up. Why didn't anyone mention it then?

I really don't want to TTC on our own and pray that I ovulate again... I would love to think my body is going to do right by me again, but it has fooled me several times before, I don't really trust it.

I want this TTC cycle better controlled... I want to see us have a better chance at this.

Damn it.

I am trying to trust this will go right, but I am starting to worry and freak already... And, I really don't need this feeling of worry. I HAVE to stay off Lexapro and Xanex - if I can't, then I have to wait longer to TTC until I can.

Damn it.

...All I want is Clomid and the freakin IUI. Is it that much to ask for??? I have waited so long for this - and I am READY!

Will post an update when I hear back from his office.

Updated #1:

Lee called me back - Part of the hold-up is they do not have the clearance from Dr. S to TTC again (Ehhh???). She asked me to call over to Dr. S and get the clearance letter faxed over. Once Dr. D gets that, then he will decide what we will be doing. She didn't indicate either way if I would have to meet with him first and "sit" this cycle out medically...

I called Dr. S' office and the nurse there seems to remember having sent this over... (Ehhh??? Ehhh???) She said she would leave my file on the top of her chair and have her address this first then when she came in (which would be very soon). So, hopefully, she will send something over today. The nurse gave me an excited "Good luck!" when hanging up...so, it sounds like she will make sure this gets done today.

So, we are not out just yet...

Back to the grind...

...The TTC grind, that is.

The Red Storm should be arriving either Sunday or Monday. At 12 DPO this morning, I am still getting BFN's using FMU. So, I am well aware now that my miracle ovulation didn't produce what I had hoped for. From past experience, I have always gotten a BFP by 12 DPO - so, I know this miracle cycle is a bust. I have no more HPT's left, and I am not buying any more at this point either. Why bother wasting the cash.

I have to move on to the "big guns" now.

I'll be honest - I am disappointed it didn't work this month. I was really hoping that one miracle (the ovulation out of nowhere) would produce another miracle. But, that hasn't happened. I feel cramps starting... I'm WAY moody... And, I had my first pre-period insomnia bought last night. All signs point to AF now. So, I gotta deal with that.

*** ETA: Ugh! I just came back from my 2 mile walk and I am spotting. CRAP! I am just hoping that the witch can wait at least until tomorrow to arrive so that I am at least on CD 3 on Monday when I call Dr. D's office. Dear body: Would you at least give Dr. D one day's warning of a new cycle??? ***

Why cry over spilled milk, right? This was the first cycle TTC after our long TTC break - and it was unofficial anyway. So, there is no point in wallowing over one disappointment. I do remember how it felt to go 18 months without ever seeing a BFP - I would be very hypocritical if I were to act like a baby and bitch about getting a BFN after once cycle. So, I am disappointed, not devastated.

At least I can be happy for the fact that my body figured out what it should be doing... That is a feat that cannot be ignored! I am thrilled with that. I can hope now that Clomid will move up my ovulation day a bit next cycle...from CD 19 to something earlier. We'll see.

I called Dr. D this morning to set up the Clomid/IUI cycle - but, I have to call back on Monday morning because he wasn't in today (my first thought was to call Monday anyway, so I guess I should have listened to myself on that one).

I just hope Dr. D agrees to start immediately this cycle - when I called up and spoke to the nurse (not my usual one, though - this other one doesn't seem to be as "up" on TTC things as Lee is), she wasn't sure if he would start immediately since my last TTC consult was in November 2006. She thought he may want to do another exam and consult first since it has been 6+ months from the last one. But, Dr. D and I had talked after that November TTC consult and agreed that 1) the protocol that we could be using would be up to me (I am agreeing to 2-3 Clomid cycles - starting with 100 mg - with IUI; then moving to injectables at the St. Barnabas IF clinic if these cycles don't work), 2) we can start TTC when I was off Lexapro (last pill is this weekend) and 3) we could start I my Hashi's was under control and I was cleared by Dr. S for TTC again (which I am now).

So, I will know on Monday what will be going on next cycle. If he wants to wait a cycle and haul us in for another TTC consult - which I really hope he doesn't - then, if I am lucky, my body will remember what it did this month and ovulate again (we will TTC on our own). If we are a go, the nurse indicated I would be doing Clomid on CD 4-8. I was hoping for CD 4-8 since that was when I took Clomid with my PG with Chris - not the CD 5-9 with my m/c's.

It's a Karma thing for me...

...but something I shouldn't obsess over either.

I hate being up in the air over the cycle crap. I would have liked a more definitive answer before going into the weekend. But, I am letting go of that for now...I have to, right? My counselor, I know, would be saying something on the order of "Why fret over something you can't change?" And, he would be right. I have spent a long time re-learning to trust in letting go and letting things happen in the right time (with a little push of fate when needed, of course). So, I will wait until Monday and see what the verdict is.

I meant to post that I went to the Ear-Nose-Throat doc on Wednesday to see why I keep getting so dizzy (since July 2006) when I get up to fast, or if I move the wrong way. Dr. Slim (I will call her that since her last name starts with a "D" as well, and she is WAY SKINNY!) was very nice - did her exam, had me do a hearing test and a balance test. The exam and balance test were okay - the hearing test was not. I have some low-tone hearing loss - which, with the balance issues, may indicate something called Meniere's Disease. Ménière's Disease is characterized by four symptoms:

• Periodic episodes of rotatory vertigo or dizziness.
• Fluctuating, progressive, low-frequency hearing loss
• Tinnitus
• A sensation of "fullness" or pressure in the ear.

I have all four symptoms - so, something I thought might be nothing and haven't made a big deal of may actually be something.

I have to go for some bloodwork for 68 KD (HSP-70) Ab antibodies - which makes this yet another autoimmune issue, in addition to the Hashi's... Thanks mom for your autoimmune issues! Makes me not want to have a girl someday to pass this crap on to! I have to read up more on this, go for the b/w, keep a journal of what I am eating and when I get episodes of dizziness (since it can be worsened by high-salt intake, which I really don't do anyway), and go for a follow-up appointment in a month to go over the b/w and have other tests run.

But, Dr. Slim assured me that there should be no issues with this and pregnancy. So, there is no reason to put off TTC with this. The dizziness may or may not get worse with pregnany, but it won't affect a pregnancy as far as viability. So, that is a good thing.

...But, again, I have to wait...

So, for now while I am waiting... Onto more important things!

1. I have to call around today to see if I can find the Mountain Laurel shrub I want for the front of our house:





I just LOVE this shrub - very unique flowers. We are hoping to get the front of the house finished this weekend with planting...then we put up the front fence and start the rose garden I want. So, I hope I can find this today.

and

2) I gotta get to my numbers for the Commentathon over at Stirrup Queens and Sperm Palace Jesters. This has been such a fun thing!

What's goin' on?

...Nothing really, except that knocked on of the side diamonds in my engagement ring out of the setting and can't find it (thank goodness it was NOT the main diamond - that was Hubby's greatgrandmothers and I would have had to move to Austrailia is I lost THAT one!)... I had to miss my counseling appointment yesterday because accidents blocked my path on the way there... I found one of the stray cats from my neighbor's house crapping in my garden yesterday when I finally got home from all of the traffic... And, the transition to the new work PC has, well, been less than smooth!

Crap...

Literally, cat crap.

Now, don't get me wrong... I don't hate cats. I actually kinda like them - if I wasn't allergic to them. I just hate my neighbor's strays (except for the little kittens...anyone know of anyone in NJ who wants a kitten?? They have three). So, I made Hubby set the cat trap so we can get the Animal Control officer in town to take the crapping cat and find it a home.

No wonder my Gerbera Daisies aren't flowering right now!

Anyways, nothing really going on other than that. I am testing much earlier than I probably should...so, of course, everything has been BFN after BFN. But, that's okay. I am going to an Ear-Nose-Throat doc today to see if my on-again/off-again dizzy spells are inner-ear related - so, while I am there, I am going to ask her to look down my throat because I still feel irritation from the Strep (and I have been done with the antibiotics since Monday).

Status quo for now... Maybe I will retest on Friday and see what happens.

Please do me a HUGE favor though.... Please put your prayers in action for Chris' Zia. She is about 1 DPO ahead of me and, God, would I love to hear that blissful scream come from a few towns over if she found out she was expecting!!!

My mind is elsewhere today

I should be catching up on work today... I was out sick for two days, and I have A LOT to catch up on.

But, I am not.

Instead, I am on FF, looking at my own chart (what there is of it anyway), cruising through the March due dates threads that are starting. I am blog surfing. Reading. Commenting. Good practice, though, for the Comment-a-thon coming up (I am committed to 50 posts!).

Daydreaming...

Hoping...

Yeah, hoping... What's that??

Not working.

I feel terrible. The student I hired as a program assistant is working her fanny off, getting some things done for me that I have not had time to do at all here. She comes in with questions. Jobs done.

And, I am wasting time.

This whole "I ovulated on my own" thing has me in unchartered territory... Well, at least for me anyway. It is making me uneasy. Not angry. Not scared (well, maybe a little scared). Just, well, unsure of what is to come. I am not used to my body working like it should. I am used to winging it: Guessing when I might get a period. Dealing with weeks of PMS and biting Hubby's head off before a period shows. It's so strange for me to sit here and think I have had three cycles in four months. I am not used to it...and I am afraid of getting used to it, in case it stops.

In my wasting time session today, though, I just realized something: My FF "test date" is on June 27th - by second angel could have been one year old. How's that for irony. I'm okay with it, though. Really. Maybe it will bring this surprise cycle a little luck.

I am not going to wait that long to test, though. I don't have that luxury. I need to know as soon as possible so my endocrinologist can up the Levoxyl and give me the best possible shot at this working - if I get a positive, that is.

In some ways, I feel like such a "newbie" again. It feels good in a way...reminds me that, even though I have learned a lot through my experiences, I still don't know everything. It's humbling.

I better get my work groove on... I have a report to file that is overdue (not by my fault, thank goodness!) and grant money is riding on it!