I received this from a friend at a moment I really needed to hear it.
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"The 'Superwoman' Myth"
- by Kristine Frederickson -
Today I will write about a behavior that plagues portions of American
society, and certainly has a foothold in the LDS Church. It is the
practice of comparing ourselves to others, more pointedly the practice
of comparing ourselves to the "superwomen" in our midst -- who in
reality do not and never have existed.
This practice leads us to create a mental paradigm where we believe we
should constantly be doing and accomplishing more. It is often based on
the false belief that a certain sister in the ward, or in your
cul-de-sac, or on TV, or in the magazines, is doing it all. And if it
appears to you that she is some kind of comic superhero, then that is
the standard to which you must also adhere.
Welcome to depression, exhaustion and giving up.
The keyword in the phrase "comic superhero" is perhaps the word "comic."
It is tragically "comic" to imagine that there is one, and only one,
rigid, elevated, standard of performance for all women in the world. One
woman's time in a 100-meter race might be 11.8 while another's is 27.9.
In a sprint between the two women, the one running 11.8 will be crowned
the "winner," or the superwoman, in that race. But in a race among women
in the Special Olympics the woman who records a 27.9 might claim the
prize. And in an Olympic trial the woman who recorded 11.8 would not
even qualify to compete.
One person's capacity is n ot another person's capacity. There is only so
much time in the day. Each of us is endowed with different talents,
abilities and opportunities. Every woman in the world has been endowed
by God with aptitudes and skills, and each of us will be judged -- NOT
on the performance of the woman next door or on the woman in the ward
who sits on a glorified pedestal -- but on how we performed in our own
lives based on our own endowments.
The story of Mary and Martha in Luke 10:38-41 has Martha bustling around
the house -- the "hostess with the mostest," cleaning and cooking
(probably exhausted and frazzled) so that she can present to the Savior
Jesus Christ her gift of a lovely dinner in a clean, tidy home.
In today's parlance this would mean an immaculate yard devoid of weeds,
the lawn freshly mowed and trimmed, flowers abloom aplenty, a garden
overflowing with fruits and vegetables, and walkways swept and hosed.
Fresh baked bread cools on the kitchen countertop beside the wheat
grinder, below the hand-stitched needlepoint, "There is beauty all
around when there's love at home." The floors sparkle. The toilets
shine. You can clearly see your reflection in the windows. The carpets
are newly shampooed and spotless, as are the couches. Pillows grace each
and every chair and settee and your children are lined up in Sunday best
with bright, scrubbed faces and coiffed, manicured hair courtesy of
mother who is a real whiz with the clippers. The garage could be
mistaken for the living room, and the little woman of the home wears the
dress designed and crafted by her own hand covered with her own
hand-made tatted apron. Mother may be glassy-eyed from nonstop work,
getting up early that morning for her 5-mile-run followed by a round of
Pilates, no sleep and short-term memory loss (a consequence of too
little sleep), but she graciously greets her guest.
After seating him, she rushes to set the table with the best silver and
china and a dorns the table with her freshly cut, tastefully arranged
bouquet. But as she bustles about she notices Mary languishing at her
guest's feet, listening and relaxing.
Here we get to the crux of the problem: the sin of relaxing. And this
for me is as important a lesson from the story as the other lessons we
might take from it.
Implicit in the story is the need for women to spiritually rejuvenate,
to carefully determine how to manage and use their time, to stop
confusing busyness with worthiness, to take time to nurture themselves.
The Savior's telling comment when Martha complains is not to praise her
over-the-top industriousness but to suggest, "Martha, thou art careful
and troubled about many things: But one thing is needful: and Mary hath
chosen that good part."
The good part is certainly to seek spiritual rejuvenation from the
Savior. But might it not also be that, when compared to Martha's
beehive-minded productivity, Mary is, when all is said and done,
relaxing or resisting often inane hustle and bustle.
Has it ever occurred to you that God might not want everyone to be in
the spotlight or everyone to be crowned champion. Perhaps, just perhaps,
he needs someone to trip and fall. Perhaps he needs someone to finish
sixth. Might we argue that in many ways there is as much, perhaps more,
to be learned from coming in last, than from crossing the finish line
first? Might we suggest that seventh place is great?
I have become very good at being busy -- boy, am I good at being busy.
We look around at what everyone else is accomplishing and doing, and we
decide we need to do "that," -- whatever "that" is -- too. The other
extreme is we give up altogether. Both attitudes need rethinking because
often both are based on a sense of personal inadequacy. I have been
guilty at times of each.
I have some suggestions that involve paradigm shifts. See those few
weeds in your yard and try to think of them as lovely additions to your
garden. Eat a grapefruit for breakfast and not an ice cream bar -- save
that for after lunch. Visit someone's immaculate home and think, "how
nice, for them." Watch someone else's child play a piano concerto and
think lovingly of how clean your son's ceiling was the last time you
were in his room. Don't make, I repeat, don't make lasagna from scratch.
Buy it at the grocery store, put it in the oven, and then spread a
blanket on the grass and read a book.
Do we need to be engaged in good causes? Yes. Do we need to build the
kingdom? Yes. Do we need to be superwomen? Only if we have an emotional
or physical or spiritual death wish.
The Savior teaches us not to run faster or labor more than we have
strength and means provided. Neat, tidy homes and gardens, home-cooked
meals and exercise are all good. Striving to improve is good, but each
of us is gifted with different talents and abilities.
Our commission is to improve over time, repent if we sin, be charitable,
act in moderation, NURTURE OURSELVES, and perhaps remember that
superwomen are more mythical than real and sometimes "less is more."
---
My reaction: AMEN! I do so much and do not know how I do it. My husband is wonderful and does everything he can to help make everyday start well. My house is never tidy and not as clean as I would like. Oh well! I can't have it all. I don't really care that my house is not perfect when friends or family come to visit. If it was tidy and clean it wouldn't stay that way too long anyway. When I have down time do I clean? Not regularly! Do I do community service? Only if teaching Sunday School counts! When I have down time I spend it with my boys and my husband. I use every minutes I can to spend quality time with them because I know that is what counts. Messy houses can wait another day, or week. Service to others happens as I have time to do so. Fancy meals are rare. We LIVE life. Be happy!
