stil in love with him

Stil paddling

Well im still over here above water some how some way. Dont ask me how... bc I dont even knoww.

Its pretty pathetic actually. I have people asking me if I still even go to Lewis & Clark. How do you say I have just been shitty which forces me to be anti-social without expecting questions? You cant. So I laugh it off and get through that part of the conversation as fast as possible.

The stress load has lightened a bit but school still sucks. I just want these As and be DONE. Damnit.

I talked to my mom today. UGH. idk. Idk why I let her get to me so much. Cameron was like let it go let it go.. BUT I CANT. Its just like WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO LET ME GROW UP AND YOU BE OKAY WITH IT. You would think im 19 going on 9. Shit.

I think the only thing that has been keeping me sane is Cameron & knowing that Ill be seeing him in five days. Things are good.

So Good- Destiny's Child

I have spent my time in my room ALL DAY =). I have always enjoyed "ME" time. Its probably because I grew up like an only child, so i'm use to my thoughts being the one to keep me company.

I cleaned up my room, that, initially, looked like a tornado hit it.Now I am supposed to be doing a massive amount of homework...but we see how that one worked out.

I saw a post that talked about people not updating their blogspot and they said not to have one if they are not going to write in it. I AGREE! During my procrastination session I went and re-read my posts and I realized two things. I am so hard headed. Its like I would have this epiphany, learn from a lesson and then next week I am talking about the same exact thing! Realization two. For the most part I was only blogging when I was emotionally in a crazy/down state. I am not really solely this heartbroken lost crazed person. Promise. But in a sense, it shows something, the fact that I havnt blogged in a while. I am in a good place. I decided I am going to keep you updated on both my good and bad days.

I cant wait for Thanksgiving.

My mom will be in town =) & I get to fly to Cam Cam & we are going to drive home.

Speaking of my parents and cam cam... I can see that they are making an effort to develop a relationship with him. Which makes me feel really good. It took a few emails for them to get over their little girl getting hurt and to clear the slate, but it happened. After the people who truly cared about me got done barking, they realized I am in a good place and whether or not THEY feel its not the best decision, its what I feel in my heart is right.

I talked to Montana for the first time since the summer and our little tiff.

I couldnt be more happy for her, and the state that she is in.

She has mentally and emotionally grown so much and I think that is exactly what she needed.

She is someone that I can truly see in my life forever.

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

Love is Hard- James Morrison

Two days. 

Im actually really excited. I think what I think is funny t I didnt think my feelings were going to be like this when it came down to it. 

Im getting alot closer to answers and even though I cant answer the question of what genuinely  makes me happy im starting to realize who and what i need to get me there. 

I have come to terms with the people I couldnt put in my past before. Its definitely different.. Its not like I have any regret nor do I have animosity. They served their purpose and its time to move on. Im sick of asking why me or why her. Im sick of imagining how things would have been if this happened or if it didnt. I decided im going to live life and see who follows because seeing who follows THEN living life just wasnt working. Time to shake things up a bit. 

                                    

Lions, Tigers & Bears- Jazzmin Sullivan

well im STILL not getting sleep
woke up at 3am ready to have a damn party!

so instead Erica and I waited for mom at 5 to wake up and went on a power walk
man that woman can GOOOO.

im having a nice time though. Its really nice to just get away from everything. well... not everything.

Remember how I was talking about time yesterday? well this time its helped me develop my thoughts.
I dont think I have ever felt so strongly about anyone or anything.
It actually scares me
because even though this feels so right Theres always that small thought
Tomorrow isn't even certain so how can anything else be.

I had a long talk with Kemi the other day. She really helped me realize that there is nothing objective about Love, and while everyone will always feel like they know the right answer and when notice they come up with the "answer" so easily. Things become so much more complex when one is actually on the other side. Emotions switch the whole game. So while their on the sideline hollerin like they dont have any sense your the one that has to make the best move so your ass isnt the one who ends up with the concussion.
So instead of looking towards others for answers, I can only turn towards myself and talk it through with loved ones

.

"life happens"

Well I just got into shanghai last night with erica
mann
to say it was long would be more than an understatement.

its crazy to think how much has changed since I was last here
Not in shangha, but with the different things that have happened in my own life.
I knew that I would grow in my first year of college but i didnt think it was going to be like this.

Time is such a funny thing to me.
Its something i dread
that exites me
saddens me
makes me anxious
and sometimes all at the same time.

LIfe seems so short when you already think you know who is going to be in you life.

its very possible that when i go back and read this another day i will bet on the fact that i was on crack when i wrote this just because my toughts are EVERYWHERE but honestly thats my mind/life right now.

well i just sat down to write this huge blog but i just changed my mind
i think ill shower and hit the town
till tom

xoxox

         

That Three Letter Word

Can someone PLEASE tell me what Love is?

JUST so I can put it in my notes.

I mean the concrete definition, 

a definition were I can correct someone when they say they are in love.

a definition were I can say Megan, this is it.

a definition were i can say fool. you dont really mean that... 

I know, I know. 

"you just know"

Well, that answer just isn't good enough for me anymore.

I say it all the time & I hear it all the time. 

I cant tell you how many times I have initiated or responded. 

it must be countless times a day.

my mom 

my grandfather 

my cousins

my best friends

but what about when he says it?

The feeling when I first heard those words form his mouth is unexplainable. 

My heart stopped and it was like i was afraid to breathe 

it makes me a bit jealous actually, 

the fact that you can identify it 

and know like you know like you know...