You,

YOU DONT UNDERSTAND HOW

MUCH I WANT TO KISS YOU


OR WATCH MOVIES WITH YOU


OR FALL ASLEEP WITH YOU


OR DRINK COFFEE WITH YOU


OR CUDDLE WITH YOU


OR HOLD YOUR HAND


OR GO TO AMUSEMENT PARKS

WITH YOU


OR WATCH CONCERTS WITH

YOU


OR BAKE WITH YOU


I WANT TO DO EVERYTHING

WITH YOU

This is for you.

We talk almost everyday. How can you not feel the same way?

Hey you.

Have you ever liked a friend? Have you ever harboured feelings for someone close who knows you inside out? Have you ever kept your feelings for so long you almost felt like bursting?

I do.

I won't elaborate on who this person is, how I met him or even how long/short he's been a friend of mine. 

But what I can share is, what made me like him so much?

He makes me happy and he listens. I mean, I have other guy friends who are also nice but none have ever made me feel this way. My feelings are so deep that I think he would be scared and run away if he ever finds out about it.

But yes, he genuinely makes me happy. Those little things he does and those little things he remembers are just some of the things that made my heart trip over and fall for him. I don't know how to explain without disclosing his identity, but one thing for sure, I've never met anyone that could compare to him.

This feeling is definitely not an infatuation that will go away sooner or later. You wanna know why? Cause I had it before at the start of our friendship, told myself I'm over it just to have it come back after awhile. Every single time I say I don't like him, he makes me smile and *poof* I'm back to square one.

I am fully aware, though, that this feeling might possibly be one sided and he may know of the existence of this certain more-than-friends vibe that I'm giving him. He is definitely not one of those boys who are oblivious, I've seen it with my own eyes. But then again, he is still human and no one is perfect. He might not know anything and I'm just thinking too much.

I cherish our friendship too much to destroy it with this feelings that might not be reciprocated. But then again, some risks are worth taking. I wouldn't know which it'd be without actually taking a leap of faith. But that is the thing, do I really want to fall into this trap again? Losing a friend over stupid feelings?

Dear friend, I am madly in love with you. I just hope you feel the same way too.

Keihklasan.

Keikhlasan adalah sesuatu yang amat penting dalam hidup bekerluarga. Kita akan hadapi banyak pengorbanan yang harus dilalui untuk satu sama lain. Demi cinta antara ahli keluarga itu, kita harus ikhlas dalam melalui pengorbanan itu.

Tapi keikhlasan itu semua hapus bila datangnya hal duit. Duit adalah sesuatu yang kejam. Dalam dunia yang materialistik ini, semua orang hanya mahu kaya. Tak kira cara, halal atau haram, ada yang sanggup membuat semuanya demi untuk mencapai kekayaan. Jadi, keikhlasan menjadi sesuatu yang tidak dipraktikkan lagi. Semua yang dilakukan untuk orang lain, perlu ada bayarannya. Walaupun engkau keluarga.

Apalah dunia.

News.

Every single day I've been reading on various headlines, but there are these 2 news that had caught my attention and I have been reading up so much on it. One being the April 15th Boston bombing and the other being the 'miracle' kidnapping cases being resolved on May 6th. 

I'm not going to give my own views on the various cases as it will be very lengthy but what I have to say is that I guess we can't judge a book by its cover. The bright, nice and popular teen can be a bomber and the average neighbour can be a kidnapper/rapist. That is how scary the world is.

With that being said, I still am patiently waiting for May 30th to roll around. That day will mark the fate of the teen bomber, but what I am more interested in are the evidences that the authorities are going to release to the public that will apparently make the suspect guilty of his charges. I'm sure the whole world is waiting for that 'video'.

Crossroads; part two.

Hello there, whoever you are.

I am at another crossroad, yet again. When I first received my results, I didn't know which to programmes to choose. I didn't know to choose history over econs or even communication studeis over the other two. So what did I do? I applied to 3 different programmes in all 3 universities. All these programmes are in accordance to what are the more popular programmes in the school, according to my interests.

NUS - Faculty of Arts & Social Science
NTU - Wee Kim Wee School of Communication and Information
SMU - Business Management


Why those programmes in those particular school?

1) I have always wanted to be in NUS from when I was young. Read my facebook post for the full story. FASS is the school that comprises of almost all my interests, Econs, History and Communication Studies. Business required straight As so nahhhh. Hence, it was easy for me to choose my first choice of programmed for this university.

2) NTU was a little bit tougher for me. I couldn't decide the programme that I wanted the most. There is History, Economics, Communication Studies and Business Management. Business was definitely a no for me since it was so hard to get in, practically straight As also. After thoroughly thinking of what I thought was the best programme to apply for as first choice in NTU, I came to a conclusion that I should try to and give my Secondary School goal a go. Back then in STC, I always wanted to be a film director. Anyone who was close to me would know that. I even got the DPA interview for Film, Sound and Video in Ngee Ann Poly, a course that only admits 60 people per year. So I thought since WKWSCI was not an easy course to get, UAS cut-off point is 76.25 and requires a B for GP, might as well I try and see if I can still achieve my secondary school goal. So first choice of programme in NTU was WKWSCI

3) Choosing of programme in SMU was a little easier to choose than NTU but harder than NUS. SMU offers Social Sciences, Economics and Business Management. But their Social Sciences are for psychology and sociology, which I am not that interested in. And somehow I was not confident in majoring in Economics, probably because I got that freaking D for that subject in A levels. HAHAHAHA. Since SMU is known for its Business school, starting out as a management university for business, and my interest in starting my own business, I decided to apply for the Business management programme in SMU. Therefore, Lee Kong Chian School of Business was my first choice.


So where is this new crossroad that I am facing right now?
All 3 universities accepted me.


It might be harder for the others that chose the same programmes from all 3 universities, cause they have to look for the best university to offer them the best education for that particular programme. In my case, however, I have a few interests and I have to really sit down and weigh the pros and cons of each programme/interests.

The first news I got was when SMU called me to inform me that I got an interview with them for Biz 2 days after I submitted my apllication for SMU. Then the interview came on the first saturday of April. Then I didn't have any news or updates form the universities while I keep reading everywhere that my friends and random strangers are getting their acceptance. Every single day I checked my application and every single day I checked the Joint Acceptance Portal. And I kinda gave up by the 14th or 15th of April.

On the 17th of April, I was at work and decided to try my luck and log in to the eservices website for SMU. And my status changed. It changed to "Admitted". At first I wanted to jump for joy, then I got confused by the meaning of "admitted" and then I realize I was offered for it when I checked the joint acceptance portal.

On the 18th of April, merely 16 hours before I head to KL with the family, I decided to try my luck with NUS's application number in the Joint acceptance portal. With eyes half closed at 8:30am, I definitely was expecting an error to come up, like always which is an indication tat I have not been offered admission to the school. However, my eyes definitely went wide. Cause no error came up. I got through the portal. I was accepted to both SMU and NUS. Hence, the trip was definitely enjoyable with these good news!

Today, 29th April 2013, I met 2 of my friends who went for an interview of admissions for NTU. I know another one who already went for interview and been offered a place. I thought maybe my grades weren't good enough. So maybe NTU is not gonna accept me. After having lunch with them, I decided to just check the joint acceptance portal again with the NTU application number. Guess what? I got through. HOMAIGOSH. Alhamdulillah! So this programme don't need an interview I suppose??

So now, I am stuck. Where do I go from here? I was invited to NUS FASS's open house and SMU's tea session. Both on the 18th and 19th of May respectively. I wish this was easier for me to choose. But Life ain't easy. I gotta really think through this. Not only for the short term, but also the long term. 10 or even 20 years down the road, where do I see myself? What am I working as? Am I married? Do I have my own business? Or am I a teacher?

I really need time.

Down under.

Pushing people who wants to get close to me, be it friends, guys or family, away is a problem I just realised I had. I do it without noticing. They try to help, I take it they are looking down on me. If a person is tactful and blunt, that's worst. Though, if a stranger insulted me, I can easily walk away. Maybe it's cause I care for them too much, but got hurt by people leaving way too many times before that I distance myself from those who are sincere about getting close to me now.

What hurts the most is I unknowingly hurt them without noticing. I make them sad and even angry at me and my actions towards them. I really am sorry. I truly apologise for I have not realized this sooner. Bear with me as I try to mend my ways. :(

Expectations.

What are expectations?

Dictionary.reference.com defines it as:

- noun

1. the act or the state of expecting: to wait in expectation.

2. the act or state of looking forward or anticipating.

3. an expectant mental attitude: a high pitch of expectation.

4. something expected; a thing looked forward to.

5. Often, expectations. a prospect of future good or profit: to have great expectations.

6. the degree of probability that something will occur: There is little expectation that he will come.

7. Statistics. mathematical expectation.

8. the state of being expected: a large sum of money in expectation.

Academic expectations, love expectations and family expectations. Everyone has expectations of some things. I, for one, is a person who tend to expect too much and inevitably gets myself crushed and broken hearted when the expectations are not met.

But how do one control himself from expecting too much? I think of the best of people and when they make a promise, I expect them to deliver it. I mean, what else am I supposed to do besides that?

I just wish I will learn my lesson. Some day, I will stop getting my hopes crushed and my heart broken.

Crossroads.

It's been a very long time since I last blogged. Years probably?

Many things have happened, both good and bad, but at the end of it all, I am proud to say I certainly did not waste my three years in Innova Junior College. I may have taken an extra year to achieve these set of results I am happy with, but so be it.

Though my grades aren't the best, I know it was worth all those travels to Woodlands to study with my friends and late nights.

Now I'm stuck at a crossroad.

ECONOMICS vs HISTORY

If you know me, you'd know how much I like econs and have an interest in pursuing it in university. But yes, I did attain a painful D for it in my A's results. And what sucks is that I expected it to not be the subject that will pull everything down for me. However, I am still satisfied that I didn't screw up and incomplete the paper to lead it to a failure.

Regardless of the bad grade I received for it, I still have a large interest for the subject. Truthfully speaking, i did have my doubts when I first got my results, but someone told me something that really touched me.

"Don't let a bad grade determine how good you actually are in that area."

Well, I'm not anywhere near awesome in the subject, but its certainly a subject that just makes sense to me and I would work hard to be awesome at it.

NUS, NTU and SMU all offer economics as a major that I can choose to major in. But here comes another problem that I'm facing. I have came to realise another area of interest that I have unknowingly start to love; History.

History is usually a subject that many detests and look down at. I, on the other hand, am someone who fell in love with it without knowing what I was getting myself into at first. It all started in Secondary 2. I screwed up my end of the year exams and had limited subjects that I could take in upper secondary. My hopes of getting into the Science stream was dashed due to my lack of studying. Anywho, I decided to take pure history. I didn't know what got into me but that was the first subject I was sure off. I think it was influenced by my mom who used to tell me how she used to take history while she was a student. I was certain I would take it over pure literature or even pure geography. So in Sec 3 and Sec 4 I was a pure history student.

As the weeks go by, I started questioning my decision and was very neutral in studying the subject. Rarely happy, sometimes sad but mostly I felt.. meh? Like I didn't know why I'm studying about Hitler and Stalin and Gorbachev and all. But the period before O levels, my interest became evident. I loved revising for it. Hated doing the exam but the studying part was very enjoyable. Analysing the decisions made by the leaders and even the people and all. 

I unexpectedly got a B4 for Pure History! It ain't the best but hey, its the best I could do then! So then my story continues to when I was in JC. Going into Innova Junior College was totally a decision I made in order to keep my mom happy. No one in my family could get into a JC so I thought, "why not?".

In JC, I had to choose the subjects I wanted to take and since I was an Arts stream student in secondary school, I had to take arts in JC. Yet again, H2 History was on top of the list of subjects I wanted to take. I figured might as well continue the knowledge I had acquired of history from secondary school to good use. 

Then I retained. I had contemplated the decision to change my subject combination. Maybe put History as a H1 instead. But I decided to continue my combi and make no changes.

My History grades had often hovered around a D and E. Never higher, frequently lower. But my History teachers have always told me that they have faith in me. Be it Mr Rao, Mr Chen and even Ms Ong. I doubted myself, up till prelims 2. I knew I could do it but I didn't know how come my grades wasn't showing it. Ms Ong always asked me what happened? My standard answer? Time management and couldn't finish my paper. Though that was the case, I came to a determination to try my best to finish my paper no matter what, and that was what happened during my A's paper. Though I didn't complete my SBS section, I was pretty confident of my essays.

Then came my results slip. I had already started thinking of overseas universities and what I would do when I receive my bad results. To tell you the truth, I had been confident I would do well after I finished my papers. But those 3 months of waiting made me doubt myself. Everyone kept asking how I think I did and all. I started lowering my expectations till I didn't expect anything but the worst I could have done.

Work was able to distract myself from those thoughts up until the night of 1st of March. Though I did screw up a lot at work. That night I couldn't sleep, so I went to lepak with my friends at a block near my house till 5am. Slept 2 hours and I was up again to go dental and then go get my results. The whole entire time I was thinking how had I done?

Though part of me already had those negative thoughts, I can't help but have these thoughts of the possibility that I had done well. I did study hard and everyone was so supportive of me. Maybe I did do well enough.

Then I went into the school hall and looked at my Civics Tutor, Ms Tan. She caught my eye and gave me a sad half smile at me. At the sight of that, my world came crashing down. I had every bad thought inside my head of how badly I could have done. Then I found out that there was 1 failure for MLL, coincidentally the subject I was worst at comparing between my other subjects. 

When it came to the time for me to take my results slip, I did something. I sat down on the chair opposite my chair and I said this to Ms Tan, "Before anything, can you help me check if I failed anything? So I can better prepare myself."

Stupid question, but I was clinching on every hope I had for the "no".

And it came. I remember vividly like it was just yesterday. She said "No, you passed everything, actually you did pretty well!"

And that was when I saw my grades. I started to cry! My teacher said "Tears of joy is good!" But I cried not because of my grades, I cried knowing I was able to reach my mom's lifelong want. Let me tell you a little story.

When I was a kid, my mom would walk me to school up till I was in Primary 4 or 5 when she started to work. She told me it would be nice if I could go into a girls' school, like TKGS or something(though I got into STC instead). But ultimately, she wants me to go to university. She had the chance to pursue a higher education but circumstances crushed her dreams. So everyday when she walks me the 1.1km distance to school, she would tell me stories. And everyday she would remind me to study hard. 

A crossroad that I faced after O's was to either take a JC education or go with my love for film making. But I decided for JC and then maybe pursue my interest in uni, easy right? Make my mom happy and make me happy too! Win win situation! That sounds good!

But boy was I wrong. Retaining in JC wasn't easy for me. I thought I had failed her. But she never cried. She never showed any sign of disappointment in me. She pushed me to study harder and I knew I couldn't waste another year. 

That was why, when I received my results, the only thing in my mind is how happy my mom will be. She is growing older everyday, now at the age of 56 and my dad 60. I am the only daughter and their last hope to see success, which in their mindset is get a university degree. I cried my heart out when I called my mom, dad and brothers. I have a chance to go to university. A local university even.

So back to topic. I need help to choose which subject to major in. If only my grades were good enough for a double major or something!

Economics: The degree will open more doors for me and give me opportunities to pursue many types of jobs out there. If not many, at least more than a History degree.

History: I really love this subject. The subject I grew to love. But what's holding me back is the job prospects. I don't want to be tied down to just a career my whole entire life. Especially just a teacher. Yes I don't mind teaching, but I am the type of person who likes to explore, meet people, experience new things. I am not sure if teaching history will be able to keep me happy. Though I really love the subject.





Oh and you must be wondering how I did for my A's right? It ain't the best but here it is:

H1 General Paper - B
H1 Math - B
H1 Malay - A
H1 Project Work - A
H2 History - A
H2 Malay Language and Literature - B
H2 Economics - D

Alhamdulillah (:


EDIT
This haven't included my interest for the media industry. The passion that drove me to signup and clinch that interview for Film Sound and Video course in Ngee Ann Poly that only admits 60 people per year but in the end went for JC education. I am considering Communication Studies in NTU too. So once I make the decision between econs and history, maybe I'd start thinking of comm studies? 

I am ready to grow white hair now.