Of last year.
Oops...
I think that maybe it's a discipline issue more than anything else. Or a reliable laptop issue. Or a who in their right mind would blog on a tablet issue. Or a why would I want to sit at the desk and type away while my feet get cold and I have four books that I want to read and Castle and Agents of Shield are waiting for me on Xfinity OnDemand issue.
Or maybe it's just a priority issue. Or discipline.
Well, you know what? There's no rule that says one must keep a blog, is there? Is there?! I don't see any of you keeping up with your blogs. For reals? Some of you are keeping up with your blogs? Wow. Do you want to write this post for me?
Okay, so all kidding aside. I had sort of an epiphany last week about why I might have lost motivation to write. And no, it doesn't have anything to do with how my kids are sucking the life out of me. I can't really use that excuse anymore because one is 2 and the other will be 4 at the end of the month. They're at the point where they don't need me to do everything for them (only like, 66% of things.) They play nicely together, Allison is potty trained and often tells (screeches at) me that she can do it herself (then she pees all over the bathroom floor because she couldn't get her pants down in time or she refused to use the little potty seat or she wanted to pee standing up like her brother. Which is another reason my bathroom smells like urine. If I had a dollar for every time I tell Owen to watch where he's "pointing that thing" I wouldn't be wearing 5 year old running shoes.) And I can't blame it on all the housework I do after the kids go to sleep. Lord knows those dishes aren't going to wash themselves but they might just get up and walk next door where they can live in a sanitary environment. And we bought that chair and a half so that my unfolded laundry would have a place to sit and feel like part of the family for a few
Okay, never mind about not kidding about things. I just don't have it in me to write seriously for more than a few sentences in a row. THAT is a muscle that I haven't exercised in quite some time. But if you don't drop a hint of levity into the mix you might end up feeling sorry for yourself or popping your kid's Ritalin or heaven forbid eating an entire package of non-gmo-free snacks (I'm looking at you Fun Size Butterfinger!)
So the real reason (this is the serious part) is...fear. Yep, good old fashioned fear. Fear of who is reading. Fear that maybe I'll put a comma in the wrong place. Fear that maybe I'll write something that the people I love won't agree with or like. Fear that I'll write something and that someone I don't know will stumble upon this blog and read it. Just. Fear. That's it.
While not keeping a blog out of fear is very much a First World Problem, in my case it points to a deeper issue that has real world implications. I have a fear of being known. Known and rejected. Known and found lacking. I want people to like me. All. The. Time.
What I discovered last week is that it all comes down to love. I started reading in Genesis and was asked the question, "Give one way that you need to release control and submit to God." So after answering that question with "fear" I ended up at 1 John 4:18. "There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love."
So what is it that I have reason to fear? Well, if you back up a little bit into verse 17 the only thing I should fear is God's judgement HOWEVER I don't even need to fear that anymore thanks to Christ's death and resurrection.
So if his love abides in me and I have nothing to fear, then why do I still fear the opinions of others and what effect does this have on my relationships with others? If I am always concerning myself with what others think of me I will eventually exhaust myself trying to keep them happy. Which can easily lead to frustration and resentment because I'm working so hard for that person to see me as something that I might not be - or at the very least, not be to the degree that I portray myself. And of course this can lead to dislike and/or hatred and the dissolution of a friendship.
That is not love being perfected.
Sooo...that's where my head's been at lately and I hope that you got something out of it. If nothing else, you know me a little better than you did before. I hope you still love me but if not, then I'm going to have to be okay with that.
For more about my journey through this lesson you can find where I started here, at IF:equip. I highly recommend signing up for the daily emails as they go through the book of Genesis. There's a short passage of scripture, a few reflection questions and typically a short video or audio clip (4 minutes tops). You can do it on your smart phone while your kids are eating breakfast and if you skip four or five days it's easy to catch up or just dive right back in. Also, you can go to desiringgod.org for a 1985 sermon by John Piper on 1 John 4:17-19. This is what I read through to learn more about what "perfected" really means in this passage and how all of THIS (picture me waving my hands around in a big spherical shape) translates into loving God and loving others. The audio track is also available at that link.
When you love someone with real practical deeds, you never hear a warning signal that says, "You're going to get punished for this." - John Piper
