________________________.:my entries:.

that *&^%*&$*$*#%#%@&^ decided to DO IT again...
disgusting %*&^%*%^$& SOAB....

grumpy old grouch...yeah...tt's me for the past dunno how long already....

buddy was asking y im liddat...when last time i used to be so much more cheerful and happy most of the time....haiz...boh pian lo...sch's tiring me out....i used to think can slack a bit more, but the courses im taking this term doesnt allow it....GRRR....

4 main projs this term...working wif 4 different grps of pple...so difficult to coordinate everything...damn...next time muz bid for better classes and find pple wif matching schedule...

shall scoot off to write my resume for FT hw....

courtesy of shan's tagboard

"the meal between lunch and dinner is LUNNER. cos the meal between lunch and breakfast is brunch."

*pengz* so tea shd not exist?!?

at e lowest pt of my day u're not there...

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i think i shd juz cry my heart out...e eyes may hurt but i think i'd feel beta...

juz got back home...tired right down to the bones...my eyesight is blurring and im juz mentally quite konked too...

hrm...i think today i appreciate loneliness(to a certain extent)....well, i attended class alone..i went for meeting alone...i went home alone....maybe im juz pmsing...but i think i need my alone time...to reconsider my values and way of thinking...

he has started a new life w/o me...i think he's happy...to have built his own network of frens...to start on projects wif new pple...to finally break fr e mundane life he's been leading all this while...with me...he thinks i dunno...i do...but of cos this relegates me to 2nd place..maybe even third, forth, fifth...i dunno...maybe i shd juz stop existing in his life...so tt he can be happier w/o my interference...i think he wud...

he doesn need me...y do i even bother to try to hard to help him? he has his own frens..he has his own connections...he doesn care whether i do go out of my way to help...it matters not...

i need to find my own circle too...i need to get a life...at least i can be independent when it happens...i can feel it...when e world comes crashing down on me i wan to know i can handle it...i wan to build up my own kind of world...one where im not dependent on anyone...w/o all restrains that this is causing me...w/o limiting myself as to wad i can or cannot do...w/o having to think of others n e implications of my actions...

i feel tt i ought to expand my social circle...i dun wanna be a loner...experience has taught me tt (however cynical this may sound), one muz depend on oneself...nobody really cares n bothers...everyone is busy...everyone has themselves to be concerned abt...

juz like how i got hm today...it feels quite sad...e hse was quiet...sis was sleeping...parents watching tv...mom pops in to say hi..tt's abt it...bf is somehow pissed off or upset or watever shit...his nick is "whiney mood" n i suppose tt nick wud attract others to talk to him...but he blocks me on msn...yeah...e sad situation im in...ha!

sheesh...im drowning in self pity aren i? wad's new? e world is so f***ing screwed up anyway...wad difference does one more screwed up person make?

met up wif char, ting, june some 10 hrs ago...wow...long time since i last met up wif them...so long i cant even remember when...char's bday celebration...well, while i was sitting there at sizzlers' starving n watching them eat, i crossed my mind tt this bunch of peeps are prob e least often seen but easiest to connect with....dunno how to explain la...but it's juz e feeling...n it somehow is very soothing to know tt... =)

had load of fun wif our ahem..."sex education talk" over dinner...so funny...tryin to talk in hush hush tones in e restaurant...thou we're sitting at some obscure corner, there were people surrounding us...n e occasional exclamation or giggle definitely caught pple's attn...ha...but it was so brutally honest n funny all round e table...i was immediately reminded of some episodes of SATC where e girls sit at a cafe n talk abt their sexual escapades....haha...but i muz say, nothing very scandalous thru our conversation...haha...juz pure entertainment n "education".... *grinz*

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rushed off to san's hse for potluck dinner wif e jc gang...boy...2 gatherings back to back...well, i wasn e latest one to arrive..thanks to gan being EVEN later than my 1hr-20min-late feat....heh.. lucky there was already enuff food to keep pple full....in fact, i think we over catered!!! of cos it's e usual faces at dinner....na, hy, nette, san, gan, jev, jw, me and surprise surprise...GOR! my gawd...i think it's e first gathering he's appeared in since graduation! WOW! but im quite happy 2 see dis bunch of pple...i think we all get along fine n dandy... =)

hrm...dunno y...today we chatted abt e differences btwn guys n gals(similar to my earlier conversation?!?!)....jev is quite knowledgeable abt certain issues...heh...which is y it's interesting to talk to him abt such stuff...haha...n den there's of cos e usual niao-ing n bickering btwn jw, hy, na...n san looks so feminine today...there's a change in her some way or other...but it's a positive one....hy seems to haf lost A LOT of weight...aiyoh...told her muz eat more....wad else? oh ya...we watched 2 wks notice tghr on tv...n as usual bitched n yakked in btwn...haha...we're such a rowdy lot!

later tt nite when everyone has left, leaving me, gan, gor, san, jo...we started talkin abt working world, sch system, EQ, how it is u kinda gotta "put on a diff front" when it comes to meeting strangers n acquaintances blah blah...serious talk but i kinda felt really comfortable discussing such issues... esp when u haf pple wif diff perspectives on stuff...considering one's a lawyer-to-be, one is US-educated, one is in army, one is in poly...yeah...and i felt very happy to hear tt they were all very supportive of smu's system...training us on etiquette, social graces, resume, interviewing skills, even offering golf classes...blah blah...it's times like these when im so proud of my sch... =)

den jo asked dis qn: wad sort of phobias do u guys haf?
well, my answer was pretty simple actually....i fear loneliness and unacceptance....gan was surprised to hear dis coming fr me...cos perhaps my outward persona is one tt shows a more confident front....but thou close enuff wud probably know tt i tend to feel lonely and lost especially when im into tt melancholic mood...oh wellz...which is y i rather pei fu J cos she was decisive enuff to break off a relationship when she felt tt it wasn working out e way she wanted it to....difficult part being tt it has been a rather long-standing relationship and anyone who's had such an experience knows tt it's certainly not easy breaking it off...cos u wud suddenly feel very very alone after being used to havin someone by ur side for so long...doing stuff tghr n all...

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im glad to have met up wif my frens fr different periods of my life...wonderful pple whom i've grown wif...quarrelled wif....lived wif....and it's like wad gan said..u reach a certain phase in ur life when u start thinking abt issues....like people, relationships, friendships....and i haf a hope in my heart tt these people will continue wif me along my journey of self-discovery....even thou we dun always meet, we dun always communicate...there's always sth called a long standing friendship to fall back on when all else fails....

i've been feeling quite neglected actually...sch term has started...sch life sux la...i so miss the carefree days of the holidays... =(

it's only been 2 full days and im pretty much exhausted...i think can blame it on e disgusting 5 hr break i gotta stay in sch for...*shrug* boh pian ma...who ask me bid tt course?!

so many events comign up in sch...n as usual im gettin lots of all those emails floating ard....nothing really interests me...im such a simple person...willing to live in my own little world...how is it tt some pple wanna join so many things all at once n still have time for themselves? i dun understand...well i know it's only sooner or later tt dear starts abandoning me for all the activities he's signed up for...i think he's only restricted by the lack of a hp rite now... no more late nites out...n conversation will most likely be peppered wif stuff abt sch..blah blah...

anyway, good news is tt gourmet club now officially has new members from my whole VSA team...whee...so happy man... =) we're gg for a dessert course tghr...im seriously considering quitting biz com....it's boring n i not close to da pple... maybe frisbee wud do me some good? see how la...if e pple r nice y not? =) im thinking optimistically here...haha...

had some issues wif dear today...but im relieved it's all settled...
sometimes it's not tt i wanna "fan jiu zhang" but more like i wanna clear e air...and hopefully make peace wif myself...i think dear juz doesn understand that lor...

on one hand it's true tt i dun forget easily...but it doesn mean tt i like to bring it up for e sake of it...yeah yeah...mistakes vs purposely doing sth....fine line la if u ask me....

i know coming to smu wasn his choice..if he had his way he'd either be overseas or in nus now....well, on one hand i know it's a sacrifice on his part...he did it for me....on e other i wonder wad wud happen if he had chosen the other alternatives...would it be over between us? probably la...if he had chosen overseas...and it would be very rocky if he'd gone to nus too....sigh...am i asking too much? even his mother told him tt he shdn always give in to me....u mean my attitude is so overboard until his mother can tell? unless dear often confides in her lo....it's so saddening...

i know im a possessive person by nature, and yes i've asked a lot from him over the time we've been tghr...he has changed a lot for me...but doesn mean i've not done e same...perhaps my efforts were not as evident as compared to his sacrifices lo...i know over n over it's e same issues tt pop up between us...juz tt it's disguised in various forms, shapes and sizes...i dunno how i will ever learn to let loose....give him more freedom....females are inevitable i guess....boh pian...n he says he's making a conscious effort to watch his behaviour towards them...i think deep down inside i do believe him..which is a small step to take...but i juz dun feel confortable still...dunno y... no faith in myself? perhaps lo...i think in spite of all e confidence i may show on e outside, im still damn insecure and unsure of myself....

*Post Pow-Wow Blog*

Freshmen orientation is over...actually, to be honest, i had quite a lot of fun during e camp...good to have made more frens...get to know old ones better....i think one new fren tt i grew to understand was JR...always tot she was damn dao la...we shared e same FA class last term..but den after gettin to know her, i think it's juz tt she's more introverted kind...but we click ok.... =)

basically, as a helper, we do sai gang lo..but den 1st 2 days muz mend e telematch stations la...it was quite fun at mine la..thou e game was damn lame....i think e water splashing made it fun...n of cos e attitude of the freshmen...not to be racist, but after dis camp, i decided tt i dun like working wif indians...it's cos our station was assigned 2 other indian girls la...but then they were SO lazy...neva do anything one...whereas pp, jr n i were there like so busy carrying buckets of water...helping other grps wif water bombs(side note, i think we all can qualify as pro tao huay jui sellers man...juz look at e skill and efficiency in which we tied e water bombs!!! muahaha...).. they juz sit there n wait for things to happen...AND they are irresponsible...hmmpphhz....

oh...feedback fr e freshies was tt this camp was not so fun cos of Sam's games...wah lao..to think e sch actually spent 10K i think hiring SAM from US...gosh....n he made them play pri sch games la...which was totally BORING and unfun....compared to telematch and mystery hunt and nite walk which was organised by the orientation com...*shake head* was a piy i didnt get to go for nite walk la...i wanted to go, but den they couldn accommodate us...cos too many grps of freshies liao....n they had to cancel for some grps(so poor thing) cos the air-con was out and e "ghosts" were suffocating...heard tt it was quite good ley...but then there were also others who said not scary...hrm...when we helped clear out e rooms on 3rd day, it was actually quite spooky lo...all e drapes n all...totally covered light from outside...n even thou it was in e day, i was a bit spooked when i saw all the props they used....OH! side note: i think e guys who went for nite walk really "zhuan dao" cos i heard from the "ghosts" that e girls hugged them so tight cos they were scared...hahahaha....

hrm...during e camp i was actually quite disappointed tt dear neva zi dong come n find me..it always has to be me who look for him first...and den when i intro him to my frens...he doesn do e same for his...sigh...den he said his grp already knows he has a gf....but it's different ma...when they know cos they see us tghr and when they know cos u intro me as gf....SIGH...it's not so much abt PDA, it's more like engaging me in his life...

is it possible to lead a double life? like be good...play by e rules...blah blah....and then when e sun goes down and nobody's looking, juz break them all?

i am feeling frustrated...i dun think anyone will understand y.... =(

i dunno man...am i very domineering? today he spoke of wakeboarding...yeah...i know it's a damn freaking CCA on a saturday...which means i will not see him on wkends...blardy hell...and there's always smux which will haf their damn activities on wkends...whether it's an idiotic expedition to some hill or watever or their diving courses or nite biking or rock climbing...blah... their mails neva fail to make me unhappy...

im juz bitching...but i know it will eventually result in a broken promise....which lala has said is quite an unfair promise in da first place....yeah well...i've been able to survive wif saving up all my wkends...y cant it be e same?

sometimes i think i need someone who's more "like me"....at least i will feel as thou i understand tt person better....

we sold EVERYTHING!!!!! *cheer*
so happy man..our grp also topped sales man!!!! WHOO-HOO!!!!
went for our celebratory dinner at marche....cos swensens didn haf space for 15 pple! hiak hiak...pity e rest of e grp couldn join us...but we had zack, elena, chris, eleanor, steph...n elena's fren....so tt's y so many.... =D happy happy happy!!!!

oh wellz...had a great time at e booth today la...wif e usual loud pple like KY making all e jokes n being e butt of jokes! heh...n we concluded tt jos is a "guy-killer"....super buayee la she....e kind who acts all nice n docile n demure in front of guys she juz meets...n den when u know her well enuff, her wackiness and loudness can kill....hahaha....but i think she's da kind of gal other fellow girls wud keep away fr their boyfriends...she's not like bitchy or anything...perhaps cos she's juz got e nan ren yuan....gonna keep my dear far far away if i can help it...*determined look*

hrms....e grp still has e idea of setting up the "Gourmet Club"...we're gonna be called SMUG...haha....so lame!!! but seriously i tink it's a great idea...a club where pple can gather to eat good food...and critique the food...n we haf cooking classes, wine tasting classes...classes tt teach pple how to read menus....dining etiqutte.....and also a fitness class wif Xian...haha...cool huh? =D dis was one of dear's brilliant ideas....haha....i seriously think dear sometimes has got e greatest, most wonderful ideas...but he needs someone to help realise them...

i am so exhausted! my feet ache...from all e standing today...but ok la...we garnered $400++ bucks worth of sales!!! whee!!! but we've still got so much more stuff to sell!!!!

for those who are UNAWARE, we're having a VSA sale at Wisma Atria Level 1 from 6th to 8th August...yep....products include bookmarks, notebooks, photo frames, photo albums, coasters, files, card holders....so yeah...designs r really nice and it's all in e name of CHARITY! all our hard work man...like 4 solid wks of producing all our pretty items...tghr wif our beneficiaries of cos... =) SO..those of u who are free, do come down n visit the booths ya!!!!!

*phew*

ok..sales pitch is over...speaking of which...today's dinner appointment wif dear was spent at the booth lor...dear came over in e evening after studyin...(hrm...he's so super hardworking compared to me...) and den we both stayed till close shop lo...so in e end it was sorta VERY LATE dinner wif e rest of e gang....aiyah...ok la...once in a while no alone time nvm lor....but i foresee sunday will be same case...GEEZ...nvm nvm....muz understand tt u cant always haf wad u wan...

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oh...dear signed up for e SMUX camp in e end...wif ALL his accountancy grp pple...aka all GIRLS...so disgusting...EWW EWW EWW....but den again...WAD CAN I DO? he also said...it's not his problem...it's MY PROBLEM....BAH....shall not dwelt on e issue...it's gettin no where...so i shall juz find activities to keep myself bz while he's at e damn camp...

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my wisdom tooth is giving me probs AGAIN...bad bad bad...so painful lo...i think my gum is super swollen...i cant even open my mouth properly when eating...n i can eat only soft n non-chewy stuff...bought some kind of painkillers from the pharmacist today...quite effective... stops e pain somewhat....muz go see dentist soon!!!! =(

in sch n damn xianz...waiting for 10am for ASOC thingy...supposed to help out wif acad briefing...UGH....

well, yesterday's golf session was pretty ok...learnt to use the woods....ha...it's so light compared to e irons and so much longer too...e transition was pretty weird...but i've decided tt i like woods better...haha...cos can hit further... =) oh greg video-taped us...i look DISGUSTING on camera...EWWW.....anywayz, e whole pt of video taping is to help us see our own mistakes...like posture, how we hold e club...e swing...blah blah...basically all of us got mistakes la...except bh...n greg was really praising him to the skies...haha..."excellent swing bh....brilliant...." (said wif an Auzzie drawl) BH was damn happy la...and i was damn proud of him too... =D

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oh...weds went to kbox wif shan....it was fun....pei fu shan lor...she sang a whole DUET by herself!!! muahaha... =) den after had a gd chat wif her over tao huay and tao huay zui...yum yum....

met e pri sch gang for dinner....went to cartel....there was a kind of lucky draw going on la..so basically we filled in 3 forms...(yeah..we spent THAT much) so we were sayin if we win the trip to korea, zhen n min will go...and if we win the trip to taiwan, qing n i will go...heh...alternatively, we buy 2 more tix and all go if we get any prize...hehehehe....

reading ting's blog juz makes me feel down right sucky...her latest post reflects so much on how i feel too...

i think i shall like e life of a hacker...really....to be able to pry into pple's lives...see wad they really are...behind all passwords...all firewalls....

or perhaps some sort of private detective is cool too...u know?

weird tots...random tots...im suffering fr insanity....

i HATE it when he's upset n doesn wanna tell me anything...how he juz shuts me out when he's down...how he pretends not to realise tt we've not been in touch for e whole day...blah...

yeah...last nite's incident was totally unexpected....it wasn really anyone's fault...but i know he's upset n blaming himself n angry tt he's so suay...fine....i know he's really unhappy....he tells me not to throw my tantrums at him when im upset...but in a way he's also throwing his own idea of a "tantrum" when he's grouchy n untouchable....shutting me off is juz COLD....

especially when i go out of my way to try to make him feel beta...i cant share my joys wif him...cant tell him how im feeling...cant do any damn thing when he's like dis....n it's worse for me cos i know nothing i do makes any difference to him....it changes nothing n affects him none... sometimes i wonder to myself...if i dun make any difference in his life...y do i bother to be in it?

long day in sch for a meeting...good part is i made new frens...wif some of the other helpers for pow-wow camp...nice pple...hope we'll haf fun tghr at e games station during camp itself...think i'll be pretty "eng" after telematch...so mayb at nite can still play dai-dee in sch wif some of em... hehehe....

oh ya...i got my bids!!!! all except TWC tt is...haha...but YAY! i'm totally overjoyed by tt...at least no need to worry abt boss 1A and boss 2...*GRINZ* some pple damn poor thing lor...they didn get a single class...aiyoh...jialat...liddat how to start sch??? hmm...

_________.:tag me:.