Oh HELL no

I am fuming mad. Livid. Seething. Mostly I am disappointed, but that takes a back seat at this point.
My son has a developmental disability. Autism. The core deficits are socialization and communication issues. Lately, we've run into behavior issues as well.

Let's back up just a little. My son is in the third grade this year. We had the nice little chat with his class at the beginning of the school year to try and explain autism and how it affects Eli. Shortly thereafter, we started experiencing backlash. Kids would tease him about things they knew would set him off. Kids that age start to get really mean. They provoke and antagonize him but are clever enough to do it when teachers' backs are turned. By the time he reacts, the antagonists are back in their own seats, acting as if nothing has happened. Who gets punished? Eli.

Just before Christmas break, there was an incident which the assistant principal deemed serious enough to assign my son a full day suspension. Let me state unequivocally that I cannot stand the assistant principal. I have my reasons. I fought it, keeping my son home for the final three days before break just to keep him from serving a full day suspension for a meltdown he was unable to control. Again, he is autistic. He cannot "reset" himself in a full-blown meltdown, no matter how many useless adults are standing at a safe distance, shouting at him to "Reset!" Ridiculous, right?

After contacting the staff, threatening to pull my son from school and other drama, the principal agreed (after three weeks, break lasted two weeks) that a full-day suspension was not appropriate punishment, especially considering the incident had taken place so long ago. Months passed with no incidents. However, since the incident had caused such a major uproar, the staff felt it prudent to finally administer a Reactive Behavior strategy for my son. I felt at the time that it really should be a Proactive plan rather than reactive, but what the hell do I know? The strategy paperwork was several pages in length. Most of it was pretty innocuous and I had no problem with it. The final two items, however, threw some red flags for me. In short, any physical aggression or any threat of any kind were grounds for immediate suspension in the principal's office.

I have a problem with that, and made my fears known at the parent-teacher conference held just 2 and a half weeks ago. My fear was that any minor infraction could be considered grounds for suspension. His team quickly assured me that was not the intent, that this was only for very serious and repeated offenses. They claimed to have "based it on the school code of conduct" but I pointed out that the code of conduct is much less vague than what they had proposed. They assured me that the wording would be changed. Apparently, it was not changed.

Yesterday, Eli came home from school with a perfect behavior chart. Not one negative comment or mark. Yet as I went through his backpack, I came across a heartbreaking note written by my son. In the note, he wrote about how very sad and disappointed in himself he was for his behavior, and how angry he was with himself, and the line, "Here I sit in the principal's office" jumped off the page at me. What the hell. I called his teacher who was a little vague on what had happened and even when it had happened. I asked how he could possibly have a perfect behavior chart and still wind up in the office. She related that he had been sent to the office sometime last week, for what she was not entirely sure, but it had been a recess incident.

Today I got a followup call. His classroom teacher, who was not present at the time of the incident, told me that Eli had been at lunch recess last MONDAY, picked up a big stick from the grassy area and hit two other students. Because of his behavior, he ended up spending all of the remainder of the school day in the office. I asked what really happened. Had they questioned my son? Who saw it? Maybe he was off by himself as he usually is, swinging the stick and the other kids got too close? Were they seriously injured? No answers to any of it. They had NO ANSWERS for me.

The most important question I asked, she did have an answer for. Why didn't anyone notify me? They forgot. Yep. They forgot. That's the bullshit answer they gave me.

I have no recourse. I cannot hire an attorney to fight for my son. Nothing ever changes. The other kids, well you know, they are all perfect. They never provoke him. They never tease him to his breaking point. They don't push his buttons. In short, every single thing that my son does, he does because he is naughty and he should be punished, and often. Furthermore, I have no rights as his mother to know when he has been punished in a manner that I fought against from day ONE. And yes, most of what you just read is not even thinly veiled sarcasm.

I am so pissed I cannot see straight. I am sick to death of my son getting no respect as a human being. He works his tail off every day to get through school. The stimulation is painful. The torment is a staple. And there is just no way to stop it.

I don't even want to think about what comes next. I am so tired of fighting and getting nowhere.

Wait, it's October already?

Whoa that first quarter of school is just flying on by! I had written an entry about the first few weeks of school and what we had encountered, then rethought the whole thing.

My son's class now knows he has autism. After getting a request from the teacher to come talk to the class, I had some misgivings. However, Hannah went with me and the two of us shared some things about Eli and autism in the hopes that his classmates might better understand him and why he does the things he does. It helped. I mean, sure, there was some backlash. A couple of classmates who shall remain nameless teased him about certain things, but honestly, since the teacher spoke to the students involved and also their parents, things have really calmed down on the bullying front.

I can't believe how much attention bullying in schools has received lately, but I must say that I am glad it's finally getting the attention it deserves. Recently, no fewer than five young boys have committed suicide due to bullying by their peers. The boys were gay. They were different from the majority of their peers, and the torment became too much for them to bear. This saddens me so much, having as many gay friends as I do. I think of what my world would be like without my dear friends who are gay. It's not a pleasant thought. I adore them and they have been supportive at times in my life when I needed it the most. They know who they are!

So then we come to little ones like my son. The kids who are different from their peers. The ones who don't have a posse to back them up, to stick up for them when others are mean. There are kids like this in every school in every town across the world. The outsiders.

Here's what I propose to those of you have regular old kids. Teach them well. Teach them to stick up for those who cannot defend themselves. Tell them it's okay to step up and say something, rather than being afraid of what others may think. Roleplay some bully situations and let them see how it feels--both to be bullied and also to see how they can make a difference by intervening. I tell ya, it feels great to stick up for someone who can't do it on their own.

My son will always be different. But he should not have to be fearful about everyday situations like going to school. Although we have seen it firsthand, it seems to be lessening somewhat for the time being. I know it will crop up again, and it really pisses me off that I have to teach my son that some people will want to hurt him, to make him cry, to get a rise out of him, just for the sake of doing it--for fun, even.

As time passes, some of his classmates have found respect for my son. They may have once viewed him as a waste of space and time, but no longer. Couple of reasons for that, which I am happy to share.

First off, my son is incredibly cute. And that's not just mama saying it, he really is a handsome lad. Already, he gets tons of attention from the girls. Yeah, that's right. He gets all the chicks, even though he is pretty oblivious to that. They tend to want to mother him, which is fine by me. Secondly, he is super smart. His classmates are recognizing it now, which leads to some friendly competition, academics wise. How many third graders incorporate negative numbers into "make up your own number problem" questions? Eli does, and he completely understands the concept. It's not so hard, even though it's completely abstract.

All in all, we opened up a whole can of worms by talking to my son's class about his autism. Some worms were good, others not so much, but at the end of the day, I feel like it's better to just throw it out there. And bullies beware--there's a whole legion of really great kids just waiting for you to start something.

Snake Oil for Autism

Here at the Mothership, we are accepting of autism as a part of our lives. It's not all doom and gloom and "Oh! Woe is me!" simply because we live with an autistic child.
Sure, there are challenges at times, some of them pretty big. To deny that there are challenges would be dishonest and one thing I am not is dishonest. I've been pretty open with some of the unique problems we've encountered and have no reason to hide facts.

Fact is, there is no cure for autism. To me, it seems ludicrous to pursue a cure at this time. I have a child to raise. While others are busy trying to pinpoint a cause and subsequent cure, I am watching my child grow up. Different strokes I suppose.

But what happens when a parent becomes fixated on, for lack of a better term, fixing their autistic child? For starters, they go to the support forums. Once there, several people will stand out to the new parent as someone who obviously knows all about what is called "the biomedical approach" to curing autism. Ugh. These several people have some theories about autism causation and cures. And they are incorrect. Just plain wrong. Most popular on the list is the now-thoroughly-debunked claim that vaccinations are responsible for causing autism.

Stories abound of a perfectly normal developing child who was lost through the shots. They were just fine until this vaccination or that one, then they were finally diagnosed as autistic and the bottom dropped out of the parent's world. Let me issue a disclaimer that I do understand that adverse vaccine reactions are well documented since the very beginning. Not everyone handles vaccines well. Fact. However, numerous studies have exonerated vaccines as a cause of autism.

Why do some parents fixate on vaccines as the cause of their child's autism? Money. Mean green. Lawsuits have been filed against the US government for mandating vaccinations for entry into public schools. Here is a link for what happened in those lawsuits. In short, there was not enough evidence produced by the plaintiffs in the trial cases.

Those who believe that vaccinations are the cause of autism will try all sorts of unproven and untested therapies on their autistic children. Chelation, massive doses of supplements, clay foot baths (really!), powerful antiviral drugs, Hyperbaric oxygen treatments, even traveling out of the country for stem cell treatments, none of which are approved treatments for autism--these are what I call snake oil.

A partial definition of snake oil, taken from Wikipedia reads: Snake oil is a traditional Chinese medicine made from the Chinese Water Snake (Enhydris chinensis), which is used to treat joint pain. However, the most common usage of the phrase is as a derogatory term for quack medicine. The expression is also applied metaphorically to any product with exaggerated marketing but questionable and/or unverifiable quality or benefit.

It's all about marketing. Parents of newly diagnosed autistic children are easy targets. Autism is mysterious and there are few known causes. My own theory is that sometimes it just happens when the genes of the parents combine in a certain way. My explanation for the rise in autism diagnoses over the past several years is pretty rational. The criteria for diagnosing autism in children changed. More kids are diagnosed at an earlier age, because there is more awareness, and also because Asperger's was placed under the autism spectrum disorder category. Furthermore, diagnoses of mental retardation and disorders like childhood schizophrenia have plummeted as the diagnoses of autism rose. It's simple, really.

So. What got me to thinking about snake oil this morning? This. Oh holy cow. Now it's Lyme induced autism. Wow.

Here's the blurb on it.
New Energetic Device For Healing!
Experience the new Amega AMWand, utilizing Zero Point Energy to provide an incredible benefit to those with autism, Lyme disease and associated disorders. This new wand will be utilized as an "at home" program in assisting the central nervous system, opening up chakras and more! Dr. George Gonzalez, creator of Quantum Neurology, is utilizing this device as his new "patient device". There is not a lot of data on this at this time, but physicians are using it in their offices and seeing results immediately.

Mkay. A wand. To cure autism. Now I've seen everything.

Parents of newly diagnosed children with autism, all I can say is this....

CAVEAT EMPTOR!

If something sounds too good to be true, it probably is.

New beginnings

Summer's almost over here in beautiful Central Illinois. It's been an absolutely wonderful time with hot temperatures ruling the weather. Eli has what we refer to as a "savage tan" to show for his days in the pool and some new muscles showing to boot! I'm wondering how to really keep his swimming momentum going into the fall since he is so at home in the water. Hopefully we can afford a YMCA membership to let him swim all year round, but that's a different post.

New beginnings refers to a couple of things now. First we have school starting this Thursday! The kids are ready. This past month they've become restless and bored with hanging around the house. Budget constraints eliminated most activities, but then again, I can't recall a ton of paid-for activities during my own childhood summers. So I don't feel guilty allowing them to get bored. It kind of fires them up for school to start and see their friends again!

For little Eli, the start of the school year also brings anxiety. We spend roughly the first month that school is in session just acclimating him to his new teacher and classroom and helping him click into a routine. I expect it now, so that helps a great deal. Oh sure, all kids have some trouble adjusting at first, but for most, it passes quickly. Not so with my son. It will hopefully help that for the first time, he will have the same Special Ed teacher that he had the previous year. We had a great experience with her last year and I was delighted that she stayed on!

We have a choice of schools in my town. At last count I believe there were 11 elementary schools to choose from. Each one has its own unique qualities and characteristics. Some are old buildings, some are fairly new, some have AC and some don't, some have a focus on sciences while others focus on performing arts. When it came time to choose Eli's school, I decided to pick the one that most of our neighborhood kids attend in the hope that he would make some friends and play in the neighborhood. Well, that didn't quite work out, as the one boy close to Eli's age who lives on our street is polar opposite, but still, it worked out for other reasons.

There are only two classes per grade at his school. I felt this would be a cozy situation for him, and that by the fifth grade, he would know every child in his grade. He's really good at remembering names now and it does help that most of his classmates have been in his room since kindergarten. They are familiar. He knows which kids are kind to him and which ones leave him alone. He knows which kids tend to bully or pick on other kids and to avoid them. For the most part, they are all great kids. I inwardly groaned when I saw that the resident tattle-tale was once again in his class, but even tattle-tales deserve a second chance.

In previous years, we've experienced a great deal of anxiety with the beginning of the new routines. It takes Eli a good long while to really settle in. But I am very hopeful this year. He has shown some great growth over the past year in a lot of areas. He converses much better and sometimes even listens to answers of his unending stream of questions! He tolerates some good natured teasing now, which is a huge step. This morning I told him he was a pretty boy, which I know he hates, but I was tickling him at the time, and told him I said it just to tease him. Teasing of this nature is not unkind, and he is finally beginning to grasp that concept.

Our other new beginning is a new doctor for Eli. This in itself is a huge step for me. I took Eli in for a checkup this summer and was incredibly disappointed in the lack of expertise that my old family doc possesses concerning autism disorders. He's a great doc for ear infections and the usual childhood ailments, but since Eli rarely if ever suffers from those ailments, the doc has outlived his usefulness for us. Deep breath. After seeing him and having him once again wave off a lot of Eli's issues and tell me to book appointments with the local developmental pediatrician, I bit the bullet and ran the other way.

A bit of history on our local developmental pediatrician. Just from my perspective, as we only saw him once, when Eli was 5 (I think). I filled out 14 pages of questionnaires for the appointment. The ex and I took Eli in for the appointment, and the doc spent around 45 minutes talking to us and referring to the pages I'd completed. He told me and the ex that it seemed like Eli was outgrowing a lot of his autistic symptoms and sent us on our way. That was it. The ex took that tidbit of information and decided that Eli's autism was no big deal, that we need not look into additional therapies, yada yada yada. It was his golden ticket.

Here's the thing. Those of you who have autistic kids already know that yes, many symptoms will fade and/or disappear over time. You also know that those symptoms will be replaced by different, sometimes more challenging symptoms as the child matures. Yep. That's what happens. I feel that a really good doctor would have helped more, been more involved, I don't know. I just felt sort of cheated and misled.

So here we are, Eli is now 9 years old and still very much an autistic boy. He is a sweetheart but I cannot deny some of his issues. The biggest one right now is anxiety. Seemingly innocuous events and occurrences will cause him to melt down. Sometimes it is obvious what caused it, others not so much. He is developing better self control, but the truth of the matter is that a melt down is disruptive in school and at home, and his self control is just not good enough quite yet.

After bailing on the old family doc and the local developmental guru, I phoned Easter Seals to ask for help. We do not have medical insurance. I am still looking for work, with no luck, and don't yet qualify for Medicaid, but there is a state run program for kids that I've applied to. At this point, I really don't care if I go into debt for him. He needs some help. Easter Seals gave me the number of a developmental pediatrician an hour and a half from our city. My reasoning is that E.S. does not have any interest in promoting a certain doc, while our local hospital does have that interest. The local network will only refer you to docs within their network, right? They look out for their own, whether they are really good or not. According to the nice woman I spoke to at E.S. the doc she referred me to has come with great reviews from other parents of autistic kids. That's good enough for me.

So mid-September, Eli and I will travel to meet the new doc. I am really pretty excited about it. I anticipate more referrals for child psychiatrist and pediatric neurologist as well. That's all part of it. Whatever it takes to really help Eli is what we will do. I don't expect miracles, and I know that there is no magic wand for his anxiety, but what I hope for is tools to help him manage it better. I think that's being realistic.

Wish us luck! New school year, new doctor, and new beginnings. Pretty cool, don't you think?

What I've Learned

My son turns 9 years old tomorrow. WOW. Time really does fly by when you're busy!

He showed up on time and was absolutely beautiful from Day 1. He is my fifth child and I knew what to do, no new mom nervousness at all. Early on, it became apparent that he was a little different from my other children. He didn't fuss more, or need more attention, but he developed on a different schedule than most children. He still does! And you know what? I'm okay with that.

Here is why I am okay with it. I believe that he has taught me more about being a parent than all my other kids put together. Oh, sure, they've all had some input. I learned about drama from my teenage daughters, I learned about picky eating from my oldest son, and I learned about daredevil tendencies from my second son (complete with a couple of trips to the ER).

Eli taught me so much more. He's made me a better parent for all of them. How could one little boy affect a veteran mom so much? Let me tell you.

He is autistic. We discovered it fairly early and I was pretty overwhelmed and yes, a little stymied at how to mother him. He showed me. When he did not begin to talk on schedule, I learned how to decipher his cues. I became more sensitized to non-verbal cues than I had to be with my other kids. As a result, I now am more sensitive to non-verbal communication with everyone. I have become pretty adept with reading body language. Thanks, Eli, for that.

When he developed some pretty strange eating habits, I initially panicked. He was not getting much bigger, and was not a huge kid to begin with. No one wants to watch their child starve. For an entire year, he ate a pretty limited diet, but he was eating, at least. I learned that a limited diet is not the end of the world, and as long as he was getting his nutritional needs met, it didn't matter if he ate the same things every day. He grew. So I learned that even though I would get really sick of eating the same things every day, it was fine for him.

I learned that developmental milestones are different for everyone. Although he did hit some of his milestones very late, he hit them eventually. One of the first to be obviously delayed was walking. He did not walk until he was 17 months old! For a few months before he started walking, he walked on his knees. He had calloused skin on his knees, but it was his method of getting around, and although none of my other children had done it, that was okay. He'd be knee-walking on the sidewalk, smiling from ear to ear.

I learned that what I want out of relationships is not necessarily what he wants out of them, and that a full dance card is not required for friendships to be successful. My other kids have a lot of friends. My house is frequently full of many people of varying ages, and I worried that Eli did not have a huge list of friends coming over or inviting him to play at their house. That's okay. Friends come in all shapes and sizes, and some of the people Eli connects with are not his age. Some are older, like his siblings' friends who make an effort with him. He does have a few little buddies at his school, so that's encouraging! But just because he doesn't have the same type of friendships that his siblings have doesn't mean it's wrong. It's just different.

I learned that patience is not just a virtue--it's a requirement. And it pays off. We've discovered that although it may take far more repetition for Eli to grasp a concept, once it's there, it's there forever. He is the only one of my five children who actually carries his own plate to the sink every single time he finishes. He's great with rules, once he understands what they are.

I learned to be more resourceful with Eli. When he began school, my oldest son was in his senior year of high school. The others were all still in school, as well, and none of them had required special services in their education. He did, and still does. While I do place a lot of the responsibility on the school, it became apparent that I would have to follow through and push for things I knew would help him. I've had to develop a relationship with his staff for his benefit. I've had to research a lot on my own for programs that would help him. It has paid off a thousand times over what I could ever have hoped for.

I've learned to focus not on my son's disability, but rather to focus on his abilities and help him to shine. He has an amazing sense of humor, tells great stories, and kicks some serious butt on video games. He likes to help cook and is willing to try almost any kind of food, especially if he has helped make it. He can roll out his own pizza crust with a rolling pin, fix it the way he chooses, and really enjoys it more than any pizza you can buy, since he did it himself. He has spent most of the summer in the pool, and can swim across it completely underwater. He has not had any swimming lessons at all, but he can do it! He loves jumping in Cannonball style, splashing me and his sister on our floaties. There is so much more that he can do--I focus on these things, rather than bemoaning what he can't do.

I have learned so much from Eli. I can't even begin to tell you all of it. I am so very proud of him for coming so far in such a short time. And although there are days when I get discouraged from setbacks or problematic behaviors, I've learned that there is always tomorrow. And thanks to him, I know exactly how many hours until morning when I put him to bed each night.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ELI!

Summer Camp WIN

What a difference a day makes!

I took Eli back to camp today. I'd gotten so much feedback on my facebook posting from my amazing friends...all saying to give it another chance. So....

I drove him over to the camp, coaching him the whole drive on what I expected from him, and what the staff would expect from him. I reminded him to watch the other children to see what they were doing, if was unsure, and told him that if he needed a break, to just TELL them.

The assistant director greeted us and Eli took his shoes off himself, stowed them and took off like a rocket. Okay, bye honey! So much for separation anxiety, right? The assistant director and I chatted for a few minutes and I thanked her for offering to try and make it work for Eli. I also gave her a heads up on overload reaction and how to try and avoid it. I told her that he takes sensory breaks at school when situations arise that stress him. At school, he is allowed to sit in a beanbag chair and regroup. I suggested that if she or the staff noticed him becoming agitated, to just offer him a break!

I motored on back to the Mothership to hang mass amounts of laundry out to dry. Our dryer broke about a week ago and I am pronouncing it DOA. The entire time he was at camp, I had my phone nearby, just in case. My family will tell you that this is unusual. I am not a slave to the phone. I frequently forget where it is, whether it is charged, whatever. Not yesterday! I obsessively checked it all afternoon, but that call never came.

At around 4:00, I drove over to campus to pick him up, getting there about 15 minutes early so I could see for myself how it was going. I stowed my flipflops in a cubby by the door and went into the big room with all the kids, not immediately seeing Eli. One of the staff, a nice young woman, pointed him out to me, working on his journal. He was deep in conversation with a photographer taking pics as I approached. The photographer is a great kid who lived in Japan for a year, so Eli had lots of questions for him. I peeked at Eli's journal and saw that he was trying to copy the characters from artwork on the wall, and it looked pretty good!

The assigned kids for clean-up started swiffering the floor and I told Eli it was time to go. As I got up, the instructor for the camp approached me smiling, telling me that Eli had asked for a schedule of the day's activities at the beginning of the session. She typed up a schedule for him and showed it to me. Wow! What a great idea! At that point in time, I was so dang proud of my little one. It made perfect sense. He likes to know what's going on and what time it's happening, so this was really an amazing thing for him to come up with ALL ON HIS OWN. Dumb old mom didn't think of it--he did!

My hat's off to Japan House and its wonderful staff. They took on a challenge with my son and they made it work. To his credit, he made it work, as well.

Autism is a challenge at times. There are so many activities that my son cannot be a part of because of it. But as time passes, I am discovering that there are just as many activities that he CAN be a part of. No, he does not play regular Little League, but he has enjoyed playing baseball with the Challenger League. No, he can't take part in many summer camps, but there are many others available that will accommodate and accept him as the wonderful addition he can be.

Opportunities are out there. My take away from this entire experience is this---Don't give up the first time you stumble or fall. Get up and get going again, and most importantly, have some fun!

Sumer Camp FAIL

Heavy sigh.

Back in May, I got a heads up from Eli's aide and teachers about what seemed like a really great opportunity. Japan Art Camp held at the local University. Eli has fixated on Japan and China for the past several months, and I jumped at the chance. The camp runs for one week, from 1:00-4:30 in the afternoon. Before I officially signed him up, I spoke personally with the director of the camp. I wanted to make sure Eli would be welcome, and I also wanted to make sure that they could accommodate his needs if necessary.

I told her that he is verbal, functions fairly well, and is fascinated with Japan. We decided to give it a shot and I signed him up early, as space was limited in the program. Eli was completely thrilled about it. Yesterday was the first day of camp and I walked him in, helped him remove his shoes and stow them in a cubby, and got him settled in. He was slightly apprehensive on the drive to campus, but it quickly turned to excitement when we were walking up to the facility.

I waited for a few minutes before I left, assuring the assistant director that if any problem arose, I was a short drive away. I waited. And waited. No phone call, so I assumed it was going well. At 4:30, Jim and I picked him up. The assistant director told me that he had done very well, but had seemed ready to go a little early, and would I please talk to him about being quieter during the tea ceremony. No problem, I talked to him about it both last night and today, and he promised to be more quiet and respectful. He also had a flower arrangement to bring home, which he was pretty proud of.

Today, however, was a different story. I dropped him off at 1:00, helping him once again get settled in, reminding him to be quiet and respectful. At 2:35 I received a phone call saying Eli was not having the best time, could I please come.

I hauled ass across town, wondering what was going on. I got there, and the assistant director showed me to a small room off the hallway where one of the young people helping was sitting quietly with Eli. Eli by this time was completely calm, having a bottle of water and talking normally. The guy helping him was nice, but he said that the sensai was upset that Eli was taking so much of his attention, and wanted him to spend time with the other kids. Fine, I totally get that. Then he suggested that perhaps just a tour of the facilities might be more appropriate; that Eli might be able to handle that better. A tour? Really?

I asked him what had gotten Eli so upset. The kids were working on a project painting characters for a "scroll" and he had gotten bored, so he quit working on it.
When the sensai came around to look at the kids' scrolls, Eli was upset that his was so incomplete, and he said he would rather have the nice one from Japan that was on display on the wall. No, duh, who wouldn't want that one instead? At that point, apparently, all hell broke loose and Eli started crying.

I took Eli up front to put his shoes on and get him out of there. Tears were stinging my eyes with the frustration of my child once again being excluded. The assistant director stood nearby and when I had finished getting him ready to go, she tried to talk to me, but I really wasn't in a mood to talk. I shared with her my frustration about my son being excluded and the lack of ANY decent programs for kids like him. At that point, she mentioned Larkin's Place, which is a yet to be built inclusive play place for kids with disabilities. At that point, I snapped. I told her that Larkin's Place is years away from completion, and that wasn't really helping my child right now.

I drove home barely containing myself. Jim was home when I got here, and I fell apart. I am so freaking sick of my son being excluded.

I open my email and there is a note from the assistant director of the program apologizing for saying exactly all the wrong things to me. She also said that they would really like to make the program work for Eli. I don't know what to do. I feel so crappy about the whole experience right now. Plus, if I were to take him back tomorrow, I would hold my breath the whole time, waiting for that phone call telling me to come and get him early. So what do I do? Do I take him back, fully aware that another episode could send him right back home, making him feel left out? Should I take that chance?