I wondered how you would behave if you were there.

I wondered how you look like now, up close.

I wondered if you would even have come.

I wondered if there is still a chance that you might come back some day.

I wondered what you would talk about.

I wondered if I would have said anything if you were there.

I wondered if I would look at you the way I always did when you were here, if you were there.

I wondered if you would marry her.

I wondered if you would get married someday, or have kids.

I wondered how I would react if I heard that you got married.

I wondered if I would react the same way she did when she found out.

I wondered why I don't remember feeling anything when I found out that you were attached.

I wondered why the strong emotions were only triggered when I saw pictures of you and her.

I wondered why that image of you and her caused me so much pain as I lay in bed that night, thinking of you.

I wondered why I had such a hard time erasing that image from my mind that night.

I wondered if you are still with her.

I wondered if I would ever meet anyone else like you.

I wondered if he would love me if I met him.

I wondered if I am just looking for a replacement of you.

I wondered if I am just looking for the same criteria, not a replacement.

I wondered if there is a difference.

I wondered when I would stop dreaming of you.

I wondered if I would ever wake up from such a dream one day and not feel like I have lost you all over again.

I wondered if you would ever love me the way you do her.

I wondered why I still allow myself to indulge in such fantasies.

I wondered if I could have just one year of your time and your love.

I wondered if I would have been happy after a year.

I wondered why I still do after so long.

I wondered when I will stop.


I wondered if it is because I don't want to stop.


I wondered if it is because I can't stop.


I wondered if it is because I have not tried hard enough.


I wondered if you ever stopped being a flirt.


I wondered if you regret being such a flirt.


I wondered if I would have had a chance, seeing as you were such a flirt.


I wondered why you did not flirt with me.

I wondered about what was wrong with me.


I wondered when I would shed my last tear for you.


I wondered if it is true, what someone once told me that I get this "look" in my eyes when I talk about you.


I wondered how the "look" looks like.


I wondered if it is love.


I wondered if you can love someone you never really got to know very well.


I wondered if it is just love for the idea of you.


I wondered if it is just love for the idea of love.


I wondered if it is just love for the ideas that I get about things I would do for you.


I wondered if I cast away all my preconceived ideas about love, I would still think I love you.


I wondered why I still wonder about such things.


But still, I wonder.

Day 2 as Lady of the House. Had a nice sleepover, but quite tired now. Watched The Butterfly Effect, Four Weddings and a Funeral, and My Best Friend's Wedding last night. Quality entertainment, that is. Then we twiddled around with our song collections until about 4 a.m. .

Woke up at 9 plus, 10 plus, 11 plus and 12 plus. Gosh, just 2 weeks at work and I've already gotten used to waking up early even if I sleep late. Sigh. Back to work again tomorrow. Weekends just breeze by, don't they?

As Bee is going home today (have to go to work like me), I had to think of a brilliant idea fast if I didn't want to sleep in a big empty house on my own. I can't decide which room I want to sleep in anyway. So I came up with a dazzling idea after about 2 minutes of thinking. I would go to (cousin) Ro's house!

So I smsed her this afternoon and she very enthusiastically replied HAHAHAHAHA Yes can!!!. I love her, she is always v. happy to see me. Hahaha. =) =) =) And it just so happened that she was going to Bishan, which is near my place, so we could head down to her place together after her outing! Fated. Am now waiting for her to be done with dinner with her pals so that we can meet. I'm hungry, hurry!

Yay! Bonus: Won't have to wake up as early tomorrow cos Ro lives much nearer to my workplace than I do. =D Wheeeeeee!

Now, what should I have for dinner later?

Wahaha. I have decided to er..take charge of things and might as well try to behave like a free-spirited person who is free to take over any room she desires. I have chosen to conquer my parents' room, because it is the breeziest at the moment. I've moved my laptop in and put it on my dad's computer desk. Wow, this room really is roomy. I guess you don't really notice until you've got the luxury of LIVING in it.

I've also found this pair of speakers that's i-pod compatible and even comes with *gasp* a remote! Oh my goodness. How wonderful. Though it is obviously my brother's friend's and if I spoil it or give any obvious sign that I've used it I'm dead.

Will seriously consider buying it, though. But will first seriously consider WHY I need such speakers when I have a laptop with speakers that work perfectly fine. Well, you see, it is because it is 1) just infinitely better when it comes from SPEAKERS and 2) armed with a remote! and 3) I can't play my own music when I play the Sims 2 because I don't want it to lag any more than it absolutely has to.

Bee is taking an age to come (as usual) =p. But nevermind! I will have the whole house ready and bursting with partying vibes when she comes and will actually put the notion of a "good host" in a guest's head for once!!!

Bah. I do wish the whole beans clan could come too. Next time, ok!

=) =) =)

Gah. I've only spent 6 hours in solitude and I'm talking to myself already. Actually, make that 5 hours cos I started talking to myself an hour ago. How will I ever survive without going insane if ever I am marooned on an island as a sole survivor?

Hope Bee gets here as soon as poss.

Thank god for Bridget Jones to pacify me for the moment.

Shall attempt to enjoy newfound freedom and all that. My aunt just called to ask me whether I needed any company and to call her if there's anything. All said, of course, in her usual cheerful, laughing and casual tone which doesn't make one feel pathetic, as one usually would if perceived to need company/adult supervision at 19 years old. She's so nice! I don't deserve such a nice aunt! Well, I shall be glad that I am not a lonely unloved abandoned person.

Oh. Forgot to explain. My whole family has buggered off to Thailand without me until next Tuesday.

Yes. *slaps self* The melodrama shall stop here.

After reading Batty's groundless (why did I say pointless ah?) accusation on my tagboard, I had a creative thought.

Since I appear to have done all the "surveys" (I do hate calling them surveys, it reminds me of those bad and tiresome surveys that surveyors ask you to do, and also of the hard work involved when I had to help develop one for a project) there are, I should just create one myself and ask other people to do it! Who knows, maybe it may even get circulated and come back to me! =) =) =)

Humour me and let's see where we can go with this, ok? (Oh, god. That sounds like office language. Nevermind! Resist all office-y thoughts! It's the weekend!)

1. Is this a survey?
2. How do you know that this is/isn't a survey?
3. Are you irritated?
4. Why are you irritated/not irritated?
5. Are you sure?
6. Do you think this survey will become less irritating?
7. Why/why not?
8. Are you irritated now?
9. Do you think you'll make it to the end of this survey?
10. Are you still here?
11. Alright. The past ten questions were just to screen off non-serious survey fans. Congrats to have made it thus far! It'll be stellar questions from now on that you can answer interestingly, wittily, poignantly and hilariously. Here goes: What is your nick on MSN?
12. Why did you write that as your nick?
13. How often does your nick convey your innermost feelings? Why do you feel it can/can't do that?
14. How many friends have you lost?
15. How many friends do you wish you have not lost?
16. Which friends do you wish you will never lose (let's assume that you can only pick five)?
17. Who can you imagine still being friends with 20 years down the road?
18. Do you think there is a One for everyone?
19. Have you found The One?/Why not?
20. What makes you think he/she is, in fact, the One? Or what makes you think your past partners are not the One?
21. What is your criteria for The One?/What is your criteria for someone you would marry?
22. Under what circumstances do you think you would have an affair?
23. What situation do you think would force you to willingly give up your life?
24. Are you homophobic?
25. Do you think homosexuals are born or bred?
26. What's your favourite quote?
27. How did you come across it?
28. Why do you like it?
29. Would you die for your friends?
30. Would you die for your partner? (Assuming that you love him/her)
31. What's your favourite vulgarity?
32. Are you hooked your technological gadgets?
33. How far would you go to protect/shower love on your gadgets?
34. Do you have pets?
35. Name 1 interesting thing about your pet./Cite 1 compelling reason why you do not have pets.
36. What is the one thing you wish to do right now?
37. If you could wish yourself away to some other place, where would it be?
38. What would you do once you get to that place?
39. Do you believe in magic?
40. What is magical to you?/Why not?
41. Do you believe in psychics?
42. Do you think psychics are freaky?
43. Name one psychic encounter you've once had./Why do you not believe in psychics?
44. What do you think of science?
45. What do you think is the purpose of school?
46. Which is your favourite subject and why?
47. What do you wish they taught in school?
48. Describe a world you wish you lived in.

Good or not? Interesting or not? Why am I even embarrassing myself like this. Haha.

1.The phone rings. Who do you want it to be?:
someone offering me a million-dollar book deal so that I can avoid office life forever and do what I really love.

2. When shopping at the grocery store, do you return your cart?:
yes, though I often feel lazy to, so I do it reluctantly.

3. In a social setting, are you more of a talker or a listener?:
Listener. I find it hard to talk to strangers.

4. Do you take compliments well?:
I beam and smirk. Is that considered "well"?

5. Are you an active person?:
Nopey dopey.

6. If you were abandoned alone in the wilderness, would you survive?
No.

7. Do you like to ride horses?:
Erm, only did it once when I was a kid and found it quite fun. Well, there's always i-gallop if I ever wanna pursue that interest. But until then, I think my answer would be no.

8. Did you ever go to camp as a kid?:
School camp in p5. Have hated camps ever since.

9. What was your favorite game as a kid?:
Well. I fell into the mud the only time I played catching and had to go to the General Office to get another skirt to replace my muddy one. The skirt was too big for me and my form teacher laughed at me when she saw me wearing it as I was walking back to class. It was a horrible day.

I liked hopscotch though. Mud-free and easy to play. Doesn't involve running.

10. If a sexy person was pursuing you, but you knew he/she was married, would you pursue it?:
I would let him run right past me to his next target.

11. Are you judgmental?:
I try hard not to be. But I guess everyone is to a certain extent.

12. Could you date someone with different religious beliefs than you?:
I'm a free thinker, so religion's not a love-stopping thing for me.

13. Do you like to pursue or be pursued?:
That's private, that is. Those who know me will know. ; )

14. Can you speak another language?:
I can speak English and Chinese. And a bit of Hokkien.

15. If you had to choose, would you rather be deaf or blind?
Blind. Sometimes what you imagine is much better than real life. And being blind means you have to imagine a lot. I do appreciate having all my five senses working fine, though.

16. Do you know how to shoot a gun?
Nope.

17. If your house was on fire, what would be the first thing you grabbed?
Anyone within my reach? I've always been taught not to grab belongings. They're not as important as getting out alive. But hmm...just to answer this question, I guess I would grab..my teddy? I really haven't thought about this question before.

18. How often do you read books?:
Whenever I have the time and mood to.

19. Do you think more about the past, present or future?
Present.

20. What is your favorite children's book?
Animorphs. or Harry Potter.

21. What color are your eyes?:
brown.

22. How tall are you?:
169 cm.

23. Where is your dream house located?:
Hmm. Somewhere posh, but with a nice view of trees and the like. And near everyone I love.

24. Last person you talked to?:
My mum.

25. Have you ever taken pictures in a photo booth?:
Ya. Neoprints. :s

26. When was the last time you were at Olive Garden?:
Where's that?

27. What are your keys on your key chain for?
Er...unlocking?

28. Where was the furthest place you traveled today?
Hmm. Ang Mo Kio.

29. Where is your current pain at?:
My butt. I can't seem to get comfortable on this chair.

30. Do you like mustard?:
Not really.

31. Do you prefer to sleep or eat?:
Sleep.

32. Do you look like your mom or dad?:
People say I look like my dad. Which I don't really dig, since he is a guy.

33. How long does it take you in the shower?:
30 minutes, tops.

34. Can you do splits?:
No, and neither do I want to. I think splits look freaky. They really look like they will split you in two.

35. What movie do you want to see right now?:
Flushed Away.

36. Do you put lotion on your dog or cats?:
No pets.

38. Do you think The Grudge was scary?:
Didn't watch but I think it was scary.

39. What was the cause of your last accident?
Opening the door for my brother (aged 3) to pee. I slipped on the floor and fell flat on my chin.

40. Do you own a camera phone?:
ya.

41. What are you drinking?:
saliva? nothing.

42. Was your mom a cheerleader?
HAHHAHAHAHA

43. What's the last letter of your middle name?:
Pointless question. I don't have a middle name.

44. Who did you vote for on American Idol?
Not an American.

45. How many hours of sleep do you get a night?
I try to get 8. But I usually end up with about 7.

46. Do you like care bears?:
Nope. Think they look a bit sissy.

47. What do you buy at the movies?:
Ppppppppppppppopcorn!

48. Do you know how to play poker?:
Nope.

49. Do you wear your seatbelt?:
Ya. And I always encourage everyone to.

50. What do you wear to sleep?
Old shirt and cheap shorts.

51. Anything big ever happen in your hometown?:
Don't really keep track of current affairs. But yes, I do believe many big things have happened here in Singapore.

52. How many meals do you eat a day?:
3 lor.

53. Is your tongue pierced?
Never wanted to be pierced anywhere.

54. Do you always read MySpace bulletins?:
MySpace is a porn site.

55. Do you like funny or serious people better?:
Funny.

56. Ever been to LA?:
Nope.

57. Did you eat a cookie today?:
No.

58. Do you use cuss words in other languages?
Ya. I think it sounds cooler.

59. Do you steal or pay for your music downloads?
Er-hem. I don't download anymore.

60. Do you hate chocolate?
I hate the sweet kind. I don't like chocolate because it gets stuck in my teeth.

61. What do you and your parents fight about the most?:
Er. Small things like not hanging up my clothes? With my mum la. I don't really fight with my dad. The last time I did, it was because of some disrespect thing.

62. Is your cell usually on vibrate or ring?:
Ring.

63. Are you a gullible person?:
I don't think I am. Though I got cheated of $2 by a fake monk on Monday.

64. Do you need a boyfriend/girlfriend to be happy?:
I don't think so? I think bfs just make people happier. Not, you know, happy.

Ok this is really old news, but I am not very happy about the casting for Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. The pics (from Mugglenet) are really small, but they are not thumbnails so there isn't much I can do about it.

This is Helena Bonham Carter. She is the voice of the Corpse Bride in Corpse Bride. I like her. She has been cast as Bellatrix Lestrange. I am not happy because I like her and she has been cast as the Death Eater who killed Sirius so I will have to hate her in the movie. Great. Now I sound about 5 years old. All your fault, casting person!

This! This is an outrage ok. This man. Is supposed to be the young Sirius Black. OI! In the book he is supposed to be very very very very very very very handsome. Which, I'm sorry, but this guy is not. It is bad enough that they used some old and not very handsome actor to be the older Sirius. Now this! This!!!!! This!!!!!!!

This actress (I forget the name) will play Tonks. Tonks is one of my favourite characters too. I can't decide whether I am happy about her casting yet, cos this picture doesn't really show her face properly. But she looks hot. So I shall not complain for now.

I still can't believe Emma Thompson is Prof. Trelawney! They really did a good job dressing her up man. Emma Thompson, by the way, is Nanny McPhee in Nanny McPhee. She is a v. good actress so I am happy that she will return as Trelawney.

Ok I am going to be late for my social obligation if I don't get off my arse now and make my way to Bishan.

Yesterday I was depressed because of some unfinished business. I was depressed because it was our last day. I was depressed because of a thwarted attempt to meet. I was depressed because I do not feel ready to enter the working world. I was depressed because I was reading a depressing book that has made me cry more times than any other book. I was depressed because of things that never could be. I was depressed because I had broken the promise to myself not to think of those things that never could be.

I think I must have been depressed in my dreams, too. Because I woke up with a start, and hit my left ear really hard on the cabinet beside my bed when I was sitting up. It bruised. I bet you didn't know that ears can bruise. I didn't either.

Today I am much less depressed than I was yesterday.

DMC 3B/02, thanks for being the best poly class I could ever have. You guys brought out a lot of stuff in me that I never dared to show in all my previous classes. We have created a lot of memories together. But let's not stop there. Let's create more. Let's not just say "let's keep in contact", but never do it or stop doing it along the way. I have enough regrets in that department. I don't think I can ever find another whole CLASS of unique and lovely people such as you guys. This is something worth holding on to. At least, it is to me. Let our chapter end like this:

And they stayed friends all through their lives. They said goodbye at graduation, but their eyes were dry because they knew it wasn't goodbye. They met up every so often. It was just like old times every time they met up. They were there at each other's weddings. They were there with their partners and children. They were a class that never stopped being a class.

The more things change, the more they stay the same.

Our time in school may have ended, but our time has not. We may have already made our last memory in school, but we might not have made our last memory.

Here's to all of you. I will never forget the past 2 and a half years.