small world...

So, we went to a breastfeeding class this evening, which was significantly overwhelming to me, but that's not where I am going with this.... At the class was the Indian couple that was one of the other two that were there the day we did our retrieval and transfer. They are having twin boys! AND, they told us that the other couple got pregnant, too! I guess Dr. God was on his game that day. Also, if he put the wrong embryo in one of us, well, we can just trade.

Anyway, it was nice to see others who succeeded. They told us that they had tried with a different doctor prior to Dr. God and it was $20,000 for ONE try. Damn....see, I knew that Dr. God had some good qualities. hahaha.

So, the breastfeeding thing...well, the d-man is ALL into it. I am too, but seriously nervous about the whole thing, from latching on to storing it in the fridge. I'm pretty smart, or was before I hit the third trimester, so I'm sure with the d-man's help, we'll figure it out.

back to reality...

So perhaps I’ve been getting off topic, lately. That’s a good thing because it means that everything is moving along how it is supposed to. Even the doctor continually says I am having a boring pregnancy. My girth was larger but my weight even stayed the same (which is good since it is not where I want it to be). Well, things have come crashing down for a friend of mine and it just brings home how fragile all of this actually is.

She is one of my best infertile friends. She goes, or went to Dr God, too and thought he was the same arrogant doc that I do. We still talk about it. Anyway, about 23 weeks ago, she got pregnant—the normal way. This, after 5 years of trying, miscarriages, doctors, etc. So, I did mention that at her 20 week ultrasound they found out that the baby had a cleft palate. She had an amnio and through that all of the other “bad” stuff was ruled out—the chromosomal stuff. Yesterday, they met with specialists and had more tests and more ultrasounds and found out it was a lot worse—hole in his heart, brain damage, etc. They are terminating the pregnancy at this point.

I know she is devastated and I found out through a facebook message to a select few what happened. I don’t know how to deal with this. I mean, is she going to not want to see me because I am 32 weeks and doing well? Should I stay away or should I try to get together? I can’t even imagine what she’s going through right now, and to be honest, I’m scared to think about it. I mean, I feel awful, but I don’t want to think about it, I want to focus on me, but that’s being an awful friend, I know. It really brings up what can happen and scares the hell out of me. Until I see my baby, I won’t be settled with this pregnancy, and then I am sure I’ll worry about SIDS or something constantly. I haven’t been able to relax this whole time, and now seeing how unfair it all can be…again…it’s pretty intense.

I will get over my issues for her sake and at least let her know that I am here if she needs me, but honestly, she may not want to see me for a while. I totally understand... but I really hope that in some way that isn't what I want.

apparently, I am a bitch, one who compromises, but a bitch

Okay so I should explain since after reading all of my posts, I look like to most likable, sweet person ever, right? Well, I am learning that I must be harsh, because I feel like I am getting it from all sides right now.

I have to express myself over my husband's issue right now...he doesn't think I am a bitch I don't think, but he is pulling his every month or two irrational (to me) desire for me to be best buds with his ex-GF. I don't THINK it is a sexual fantasy thing but it IS odd to me. Long history but basically she hurt him significantly years ago (before me) and yet he feels like he needs to be friends with her now. I'm okay with that but he ALSO needs me to be friends with her. He says he just wants me to meet her, but I KNOW that his fantasy is to have us hit it off so she can come over and hang with the baby (not gonna happen). No I don't believe he'll leave me for her or anything, but I don't get the need. He used to have to save her all the time and I am sure there's a little bit of that there because this girl is one of those with multiple issues ALL THE TIME. I really have to desire for any stories about her but I am NOW going to waste my Tuesday and meet her and her boyfriend. Maybe it will be loud in the restaurant. One can hope.

The other revelation is how my sister in law, who is a bit odd and has trouble with socialization, thinks I don't like her and she has to walk on egg shells around me. I am not quite sure I get that one because the opposite is true. I tend to be sarcastic and she really doesn't ever get the joke and gets offended. All of her siblings do the exact same thing, but I am the one who doesn't like her....obviously it isn't true but d-man and I are going to try to be nicer. Part of it is she is much like her mom....which leads me to that...

I know I have complained about the MIL much on here, and I feel justified. I also know that I make things worse by taking them personally and may seem irrational at times. Well, d-man and I had a talk about how to have a good relationship with her. Part of it is letting comments slide...they aren't bad, but annoying as hell most of the time. I realize she is the exact (and I mean exact) opposite of who I am and she ain't changing. I am not changing, so I need to just let it go. I don't really want to but perhaps if I do, then she'll start to figure out or make an effort to get to know who I am....meaning a different perspective. We'll see how that goes. I'll keep you posted on this....it shall be interesting.

So, on top of being pregnant, I have to be different....sweet....well, I'll put on a happy face Tuesday. ONCE shouldn't be the end of the world, as long as d-man knows it's once. Who know being independent was so hard?

good weekend!

So, for a change, we actually did things pretty much all weekend and I was able to be fairly comfortable throughout. yeah! I've been feeling old and blah since I basically hit the couch by 7 or 8 every night do to the rib thing. I've neglected things I SHOULD be doing, like laundry and cleaning. Thankfully the d-man has been beginning to pick up the slack. THIS is what the third trimester beginning is like. awesome...BUT, like I said, I managed pretty well this weekend.

Okay, I AM on the couch, today was pretty active. We actually had sex this morning and I really can't tell you how long it's been. Thankfully, I have a sweet and awesome husband who has been able to deal with preggers me and all that comes with it, regarding that anyway. He is also been figuring out the rest of my uncomfortableness, etc. So, anyway, we also went for a long walk around town, to brunch, read the paper and watched a baseball game on TV (yeah!!), went to the irish pub to listen to live music and hung with the old manager (who bought d-man a pint and told us that in Ireland, pregnant women are instructed to drink a half pint everyday), went to Borders and bought a book on breast-feeding AND d-man bought two books on research studies on raising kids, and basically how most people are doing it wrong by constant praising. I agree due to my working with college kids....We also went grocery shopping. sweet.

Oh, yeah, Friday we saw Dick Vermiel speak about leadership, Saturday we went to the gym (I went to work--boo) and we went out to a good dinner. The best part? I was able to fend off rib pain. My lower back started to hurt on Saturday, but then I got a d-man massage...nice.

I've also noticed that she's been quite active this weekend. That was my worry, that she wasn't moving enough. Well, she is showing me up, that's for sure. I still think she stays in the same place, but she is more central in her moving now, so maybe she's dancing a bit.

Let's see if I can keep it up.

made it to the gym

I just had to acknowledge that....it's been too long (well, for me). I feel so awkward there and none of my work out clothing fits, but I got my ass out of bed and feel pretty good about it. Now to find a sports bra that fits for the next time....

worry...but all good with me..

constant worry. I am getting a little bit away from it, though I think. I keep worrying now about the kicking, though lately she's pretty friggin active. Now I am just trying to be comfortable enough to work out. But anyway, back to the worry...

why? because everything is so fragile. It totally blows my mind how so many kids are born everyday and thrive after all of this. One of my infertile friends was having a fairly normal pregnancy thus far. I mean, she had her issues but it had been going well for the most part. At her 20 week ultrasound, however, they found her baby had a cleft palate. There could have been other issues as well, but so far that's been the major issue. But it IS major. I mean, that's a lifetime of surgeries and other issues. She has to deal with the baby at birth. I couldn't do it, I mean, I would, but how do you prepare for that?

I guess I don't know what to think about it all. I feel bad because I feel so horrible for her but so glad that's not my baby. I do worry about how we will raise her, god I worry about how to wash her. I am preparing as much as I can, but it's still pretty scary. I feel pretty excited for her to get here, though. We'll figure it out together..with daddy.

religion decison

So, since this whole thing started, I have known about the church's stance on IVF. By church, I mean the Catholics, of which I have been brought up to be. Personally, I've thought of leaving the church since before we got married. I disagree with what I believe are the small things, like sex before marriage, living together, masturbation, contraception and the big things, like homosexuality, abortion, and I think covering up molesting little boys is wrong. But now it's more of a big deal since the church believes our child is a product of evil, that IVF doesn't assist those who are infertile, but rather goes against god. Obviously, I don't agree.

Our decision has been ongoing. We've gone to an Episcopal church to check it out and found that there is way more pomp and circumstance than we are used to or feel comfortable with. The other Christian denominations seem too far off of what we actually believe. The thing is that I (not as much d-man) want to baptize our daughter. I mean, I do believe in my religion, just not what the pope says is right or wrong.

The hypocrisy is overwhelming. The church believes in all life, at conception, but has killed millions over the years. It believes in treating others in the name of Jesus, but seems to tolerate its priests' abhorrent behavior. That, in and of itself, almost had me out a few weeks ago. But, I digress...this is about the stance on IVF. I've mentioned the gist and tonight went online to read more. As usual, I just got angry. I don't get upset, I just get blown away by the ignorance and lack of understanding of how things actually work. People hold beliefs based on what they know...not new, that's everything, but with this issue, they get so holier than thou and it's annoying.

So, what are we going to do? Well, we will probably baptize her. We have to officially join the church together, so we'll see how that goes. I mean, we can always leave at a later date, and I don't want to make a mistake. Besides, I am a godmother three times over, and I don't want to disappoint. At least, not yet.

workouts

So, I have been expressing how much I love the yoga, and I do, but I skipped today. My reasoning? I was TIRED. I walked (walked!) with a friend for about a half hour this morning. It was hilly, and I was winded! I've run three marathons...did four spinning classes a week until I started stimming and I was tired walking?? Ugh, that totally frustrates me. But even so...I skipped yoga tonight. I had to bake something and I figured I wanted to get that done earlier than later. (raw eggs are bad, I know, but in chocolate, so GOOD...I'll be okay..I didn't lick off too much...)

Now I am in my rib pain position. It's rough tonight, man. Feels better at the moment, though. Maybe it was a good thing I didn't go to yoga!