Okay..this was a weekend that I was both looking forward to and dreading. My four high school girlfriends and I were heading to one house for the weekend. Usually we go camping, the five girls. We make smores, have beers, pitch tents and catch up on each others lives. Well, we decided that this year (well before I found out about all the infertility stuff) we would bring the husbands...and the kids. I'll admit, it wasn't the best. There were other reasons why it was a bad idea (personalities play a part here) but I'll stick to the infertility reasons for this. Otherwise, that's a whole other blog.
I was pretty scared after my IVF failed about how I would deal with seeing everyone with their kids. I wasn't sure if I could handle it, especially since it was SO hard right after to even be around people with babies or toddlers. I also have some friends who tend to talk baby or about everything that they are doing regarding parenting. I know that's not unusual, but I didn't want to hear it. SO, I sent an email. Granted, I sent it a while ago, but I still sent it. I thought it really explained why I didn't want to listen to baby stories, what I was feeling, and that I would like support. I got some responses, via email, and a non-response. great. I do have one extremely supportive friend in this group, but the others, and especially the host, I wasn't so sure about...
So. I did have a hard time at first. Saturday the guys went off to do something and the women were back by the pool. Everyone was playing with their kids and really not talking to each other like we usually do. It was actually kind of odd. Thus far, no one had really even asked how I was doing (well, some asked a little, and I mean a LITTLE, about the car accident I was just in). So, I was the only one with no kid to dote on, and no one seemed to give a shit about what I was going through (except my one friend..I don't put her in this group). I spent at least 45 minutes out kayaking alone, which gave me a chance to bawl my eyes out over everything without making anyone else uncomfortable. Cause you know, I cared what they felt. hint hint
After I got back, it got a little better. The men returned (including the d-man) and we played some games and we all did a 5k together. That night, the girls sat around the table and talked. Again, nothing. NOTHING. I didn't want to bring anything up, since I already had. I am not saying that others don't go through things that people don't talk about, but I mean, I put in the email that I WANTED to talk about it. I crave support, what can I say? It's kinda hard when that doesn't happen. As we were all finishing up packing to leave, the non-responder said she had been meaning to ask how everything was going and actually did. Okay, so now? Now that we are leaving?? Really? really. She said she would call. Yeah. You do that. The thing is, I'll probably freaking fill her in! But, I am on vacation for a week so perhaps I can not only ignore but also not answer her.
So, after thinking this weekend was going to be hard because I had to see people with their kids, I learned yet another hardship of infertility and relationships. People don't want to hear about it, even when you want to talk about it. In fairness, this weekend was odd all the way around in that no one really asked about anyone's lives, but they all knew that this was important to me.
When I read that some people lose friends for a while at least, while going through this, I didn't relate at first. Now I understand. Whether it's an uncomfortableness with everything, or not wanting to hear about it, or thinking I am overreacting, it doesn't really matter. It's just another thing that upsets me, and another shitty aspect of infertility.
Maybe next year we'll try camping again and I'll have the baby stories. Sadly, I won't forget this weekend.
Monday, July 26, 2010
Thursday, July 22, 2010
That which does not kill us.....
Well, I’m alive. I keep saying that, I guess to reassure myself or to make me feel better, since things could have been worse. So, car accident; two, sort of.
This was supposed to be my month to relax. I had just gotten my last Lupron Depot shot and I was on my way to see a friend in the Boston area. I had just made it through NYC and was on my way up 95 north. It was bumper to bumper, stop and go, awful traffic, but it was also 5pm on a Friday leaving New York so it wasn’t a big surprise. So, I was just noticing the message boards saying that there was 11 miles left of congestion and I felt this jerk. I kind of picture it in slow motion, the glass flying at me, me hitting the car in front of me…I remember that there was water all over, from the bottle I had been drinking. I didn’t realize the back window was actually gone until I got out of the car. I called the d-man and I called the friend I was going to see. The guy whose van was now in front of me (who had actually hit me from behind because he had “dozed off”) seemed to be limping and dazed. I was more or less just shocked that this had actually happened. My next call was to the insurance company..then the police.
From there it gets worse, at least from my perspective. The cop was a really nice, super jacked up state trooper who let me make my phone calls from his air conditioned car. The d-man was kind of freaking out, especially since he was about to embark on a sailing race but got off the boat in Annapolis and into his car after I called him. Thankfully I convinced him not to come all the way up! I had the car towed to the nearest garage; it was a mess-totaled for sure. I opted to go to the hospital since I had numbness down my arm and was sore. I figured I had a few hours to kill anyway waiting for my friend to get there from Boston. So, they made me get on a stretcher-protocol. I didn’t realize this would be my position for the next seven hours.
Once at the hospital, I was basically in line with like three other stretchers. I saw at least one other accident, worse-looking than ours, and it was a Friday in New Haven, so probably a typical hot weekend. I eventually got into a room and asked about the accident by about four people at this point. Then someone asked if my arm still felt numb. It did, so I said yes. Mistake. I was then elevated to trauma and moved to the trauma unit. I was warned that I would be examined by a lot of people but that is NO warning.
I found myself under a light in an area with a curtain being pulled. I couldn’t tell you how many people were actually in there. One doctor introduced herself and said that they were going to take my clothes off and examine me. Then some nurse started cutting my shirt. Okay, taking off and CUTTING off? Different things. I at least got to take my shorts and underwear off myself and keep them. The other stuff was apparently not important. Then they said I had to lose the necklace. I pitched a fit here, but they weren’t actually going to cut it. Another nurse grabs my arm and says she needs to start an IV. I fought this and asked why. Her response was, “You’re in the trauma center, sweetie.” Nice. She of course hit a nerve and a sharp pain went down my arm to my wrist. Still bothers me a little five days later. Then I had people touching me and sticking things on or in me, I guess. Finally, I had a gown half on and a blanket over me and my friend came in.
Now, from there I had an MRI, a CT scan, and an x-ray. Fine, those make sense. The workup I got by all of those nurses, doctors, med students I’m sure, does NOT. I mean, I wasn’t unconscious. What the hell? I felt totally violated. Strong word maybe but for real, I was more upset about that experience then the actual accident, and still am. I ended up having no abnormalities, except they did find a nodule on my thyroid (which may screw up my IVF cycle by pushing it back another month). I just hope this didn’t happen so we “caught the cancer early.” That’s what I keep thinking, even though my GP said the nodule is most likely nothing and not to worry about it. Anyway, it took forever and we didn’t leave until one in the morning.
So, after all of that, and getting rental car, we visited a car dealership about a used car. I still don’t know what we will get but my car payment of nothing is most definitely going up. This with the IVF bill looming. So awesome. BUT, it gets even WORSE..
I was on my way to the doctor to ask about the thyroid and a freaking DEER ran INTO the RENTAL CAR! WTF???? Now I am dealing with four insurance companies, two cars, one car dealership and two hospitals. Needless to say, this is NOT the month of serenity it was supposed to be.
This was supposed to be my month to relax. I had just gotten my last Lupron Depot shot and I was on my way to see a friend in the Boston area. I had just made it through NYC and was on my way up 95 north. It was bumper to bumper, stop and go, awful traffic, but it was also 5pm on a Friday leaving New York so it wasn’t a big surprise. So, I was just noticing the message boards saying that there was 11 miles left of congestion and I felt this jerk. I kind of picture it in slow motion, the glass flying at me, me hitting the car in front of me…I remember that there was water all over, from the bottle I had been drinking. I didn’t realize the back window was actually gone until I got out of the car. I called the d-man and I called the friend I was going to see. The guy whose van was now in front of me (who had actually hit me from behind because he had “dozed off”) seemed to be limping and dazed. I was more or less just shocked that this had actually happened. My next call was to the insurance company..then the police.
From there it gets worse, at least from my perspective. The cop was a really nice, super jacked up state trooper who let me make my phone calls from his air conditioned car. The d-man was kind of freaking out, especially since he was about to embark on a sailing race but got off the boat in Annapolis and into his car after I called him. Thankfully I convinced him not to come all the way up! I had the car towed to the nearest garage; it was a mess-totaled for sure. I opted to go to the hospital since I had numbness down my arm and was sore. I figured I had a few hours to kill anyway waiting for my friend to get there from Boston. So, they made me get on a stretcher-protocol. I didn’t realize this would be my position for the next seven hours.
Once at the hospital, I was basically in line with like three other stretchers. I saw at least one other accident, worse-looking than ours, and it was a Friday in New Haven, so probably a typical hot weekend. I eventually got into a room and asked about the accident by about four people at this point. Then someone asked if my arm still felt numb. It did, so I said yes. Mistake. I was then elevated to trauma and moved to the trauma unit. I was warned that I would be examined by a lot of people but that is NO warning.
I found myself under a light in an area with a curtain being pulled. I couldn’t tell you how many people were actually in there. One doctor introduced herself and said that they were going to take my clothes off and examine me. Then some nurse started cutting my shirt. Okay, taking off and CUTTING off? Different things. I at least got to take my shorts and underwear off myself and keep them. The other stuff was apparently not important. Then they said I had to lose the necklace. I pitched a fit here, but they weren’t actually going to cut it. Another nurse grabs my arm and says she needs to start an IV. I fought this and asked why. Her response was, “You’re in the trauma center, sweetie.” Nice. She of course hit a nerve and a sharp pain went down my arm to my wrist. Still bothers me a little five days later. Then I had people touching me and sticking things on or in me, I guess. Finally, I had a gown half on and a blanket over me and my friend came in.
Now, from there I had an MRI, a CT scan, and an x-ray. Fine, those make sense. The workup I got by all of those nurses, doctors, med students I’m sure, does NOT. I mean, I wasn’t unconscious. What the hell? I felt totally violated. Strong word maybe but for real, I was more upset about that experience then the actual accident, and still am. I ended up having no abnormalities, except they did find a nodule on my thyroid (which may screw up my IVF cycle by pushing it back another month). I just hope this didn’t happen so we “caught the cancer early.” That’s what I keep thinking, even though my GP said the nodule is most likely nothing and not to worry about it. Anyway, it took forever and we didn’t leave until one in the morning.
So, after all of that, and getting rental car, we visited a car dealership about a used car. I still don’t know what we will get but my car payment of nothing is most definitely going up. This with the IVF bill looming. So awesome. BUT, it gets even WORSE..
I was on my way to the doctor to ask about the thyroid and a freaking DEER ran INTO the RENTAL CAR! WTF???? Now I am dealing with four insurance companies, two cars, one car dealership and two hospitals. Needless to say, this is NOT the month of serenity it was supposed to be.
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Grasping at....confidence?
So, I should comment on the fact that it's been over 100 degrees for the past two days and isn't getting cooler for another few days, but why? This is really the hottest summer of my life for so many reasons.
Well, there are a few things I do when its this hot. One, is hang in the A/C. The other, lately, is hang in the pool. It was sooo nice over the weekend, actually felt pretty cool, surprisingly. It is nice to be able to head over to the in-laws and jump in the pool, even though it IS the in-laws. The other thing that they have over there is a hammock. On Saturday night, the d-man and I were laying in it after everyone had gone to bed. We were looking at the stars (and the satellites) and of course I was thinking about "IT." I don't care how much I do things, travel, live my summer, I think about this every day. I wonder if it will work, though I am confident. I think about what I will feel if it doesn't or if it does and then I miscarry. I think about if it doesn't at all and what the hell are we gonna do then? I think about twins. I think about if all three embryos stick and the choices we have to make then...
The d-man, who reads me like a book, asked me what I was thinking about. My answer was just "what do you think??" He then said to me that he wonders if Dr. God is grasping at straws. Now, Dr. God has me on the Lupron right now, and then will do higher doses of stims, and I'll be taking Viagra (for my lining-I've read about that one). Then we were talking about this whole thing is just grasping at straws, and a big crap shoot, and you never know what's going to happen. Of course that upset me to no end. At which time the d-man said that Dr. God was probably more confident than grasping...probably to make me feel better, but I think it's gotta be both.
I'm grasping, that's for sure....but I am going to force confidence on myself.
Well, there are a few things I do when its this hot. One, is hang in the A/C. The other, lately, is hang in the pool. It was sooo nice over the weekend, actually felt pretty cool, surprisingly. It is nice to be able to head over to the in-laws and jump in the pool, even though it IS the in-laws. The other thing that they have over there is a hammock. On Saturday night, the d-man and I were laying in it after everyone had gone to bed. We were looking at the stars (and the satellites) and of course I was thinking about "IT." I don't care how much I do things, travel, live my summer, I think about this every day. I wonder if it will work, though I am confident. I think about what I will feel if it doesn't or if it does and then I miscarry. I think about if it doesn't at all and what the hell are we gonna do then? I think about twins. I think about if all three embryos stick and the choices we have to make then...
The d-man, who reads me like a book, asked me what I was thinking about. My answer was just "what do you think??" He then said to me that he wonders if Dr. God is grasping at straws. Now, Dr. God has me on the Lupron right now, and then will do higher doses of stims, and I'll be taking Viagra (for my lining-I've read about that one). Then we were talking about this whole thing is just grasping at straws, and a big crap shoot, and you never know what's going to happen. Of course that upset me to no end. At which time the d-man said that Dr. God was probably more confident than grasping...probably to make me feel better, but I think it's gotta be both.
I'm grasping, that's for sure....but I am going to force confidence on myself.
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