silent

there are times when we just feel like that silent observer. sitting in a room full of people. watching a family play together. standing at the airport.

quietly watching the world go by. the strange man in a skunk hat. the noisy woman on the phone sharing her life story for all to hear. visiting a new church.

and there are even those times when it happens within our own family and circle of friends. times when we could fully participate but the joy in standing back. taking a moment. being that silent witness to joy, happiness and love.

i've had that privilege this week. there were definitely times of helping out, holding mollie, changing diapers, distracting maggie, giving hugs and kisses, and making my nieces smile. fully engaging. participating. living.

but some of my favourite moments have been the times of being that silent witness. to watch love, discipline, joy, tears. to stand back. to sit by. not because its better or because i'm tired. because there is something about the privilege of just being there.

and i confess that sometimes i am just overwhelmed. my eyes glaze over. my heart is close to bursting. expanding with thankfulness. grateful that God gives so much. so much in just being silent and taking it all in. that we are not always required to do anything but enjoy the moment. take it all in. silently.

and here are some of my favourite moments living it and not standing back. because lets be honest - how many chances do we really get to stop and really absorb the gift we have in front of us?

choice

vicktor frankl, a survivor of the holocaust once said:

'everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of human freedoms- to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances.'

powerful stuff when you think about it.

in one week my car was stolen, solutions have been provided for within days, my long awaited boxes arrived from england, unpacked boxes showed some broken family and sentimental things, a mother/daughter day was spent visiting the governor's house to see it decorated for christmas, and today i've been baking pecan pie in my kitchen for tonight, an evening with food and friends.

and again i am left with that thought that it really is my choice what i focus on. what gets my attention or drags me down. i have been praying a lot this week. and not just because my car was stolen.

but because i don't want this to be about me. my bad luck. poor decisions. or even just the way it is. i want to see God be glorified in me because He is able to use even a stolen car to bring His name glory. and that is what i liked to see. i want to give praise even if its never found, even if i have to drive a car not of my choice, and even if nothing of consequence seems to come out of it. it is my choice to pray for this and to adjust my attitude to reflect it.

i leave with this thought on prayer from a book a group of us are reading by mark batterson,

'Prayer is less about changing our circumstances and more about changing our perspective.'

thankful for a God who is good all the time and never leaves or forsakes!

gold

so today as i was driving home stretched out before me was an amazing sky. deep dark clouds in layers and just at the horizon a shimmering continuous line of gold bursting forth against the black trees and threatening clouds above.

my first thought was 'God you are so good!' how beautiful. instantly my mind went to that old saying about a sliver lining. but this was a beautiful perfect gold lining. better than silver. more brilliant. gorgeous.

and then i remembered that no one asked me what i was thankful for this thanksgiving. no sharing around the table or friendly conversation. so i thought about what i would have said. what am i thankful for this year? in some ways it is a redundant question because this blog is all about what i am thankful for. every week i share how i see God and his goodness to me and around me.

but what about for 2009? what could i point to? what could i say for a year that in all honesty i would like to end asap. yet that is what i love about the sky that i saw tonight. it reminded me of what i am thankful for most of all.

our God is better than sliver linings. He gives us gold linings. perfectly stretched out from east to west unbroken. and this year i have seen the incredible goodness and mercy of God in a continuous, unstoppable way right next to the dark woods and dooming skies. and that is because His goodness is like the brilliant light that shines brightest and truest against the darkness.

so this year i am thankful for God's goodness to me- His unending, unchanging, unstoppable goodness that is best seen against the hard, difficult and challenging.

i am also thankful that i've gotten to see so much of my family this year- the most in 7 years. i just saw my cousins and in two weeks i get to see my wonderful nieces :)

stuff

recently i was humming . . .

'give thanks with a grateful heart,
give thanks to the Holy One,
give thanks because He's given Jesus Christ, His Son.

and now let the weak say i am strong,
let the poor say i am rich,
because of what the Lord has done for me.
give thanks'

and i also read this week a post called treasures that made me think. its so easy to focus on the wrong thing. the wrong stuff.

i still don't know when i will get my stuff from england. apparently its cleared customs but that's about all i know. i've basically been living out of two suitcases for an entire year. i am fed up. i want my things. and i am longing.

longing for a home, longing for my stuff, longing for all the wrong things. focusing on the wrong stuff. the wrong treasure.

and it is the season of giving thanks. i should be thanking Christ for all He's done, for how He has provided. He has given strength when i've felt week. He has supplied even when I doubt. and most of all He has given all to prepare a place for me and a treasure that moth and rust cannot destroy.

my stuff, while seemingly important will rust, and fade, and break and eventually be worthless. and i am so thankful for the reminder that it is not my treasure or my security. i have much greater one :)

comfort

so where do you go for comfort?

a best friend, the gym to work it out, the chocolate aisle?

well for me, i go to the kitchen. when all else fails, when i can't reach a friend and no matter how many walks i go on, the kitchen remains my place of comfort.

its been a bit of a rough week, rattling around in almost empty house, waiting for news about my stuff, tired of looking at items trying to remember if i have that in a box somewhere.

so today i went to the grocery store and bought some food to put in my empty cabinets. and now i am cooking. i love the peace of a kitchen.

the simple sounds of chopping, cutting, scrubbing and bubbling. the smells of onion and garlic simmering. the mess and chaos while creating. the challenge of new recipe or the comfort of an old favourite. one that you've cooked so many times you don't need the recipe. in fact you could almost cook it blind. and then the cleaning up afterwards. a sparkling clean kitchen and yummy food to eat.

thankful that God gives comfort. i know we are to find it in Him. but i think He knows that we are tactile physical beings that need something tangible every once in a while. blessed to know the God of comfort and peace. and blessed to have a kitchen with just enough supplies to cook with for the mean time :)

some images of my new to me kitchen, making one of my favourite comfort foods- soup!

carving

hmmmmm carving. carve a turkey. carve wood. carve out a pumpkin. carve out a new role. carve out our own place.

it got me thinking. while none of the subjects remain the same thing is still required for the carving to actually happen. and to be done well.

you need the right tools. dull blades, knives the wrong size or shape, insufficient information or lacking support all significantly impact the final product.

currently we are carving out a new role for me at work. and this week was spent gathering new tools- good tools at that. communication tools. web tools. meeting new contacts and people. training in current procedures. all very important things for me to do and to carve out my new role.

and i am thankful that God always equips for every good work. thankful that my organization values me and invests in me. thankful for all the great tools i received this week that will help me in the future.

so i carved a pumpkin last week. it was lots of fun. unfortunately it didn't make it to this week. it rotted to the core in less than 5 days. and it was perfect. so its killing me that i can't post of a picture of it this week. but this is where i got it from.

project

i love projects. this week i've made some curtains. i've painted a table for my living room. i've baked and cooked. and scoured places to find great deals and get the best price for my money.

with new projects the designing it, creating it and then seeing it accomplished feels great . but i still think my favourite projects are the ones where you take something old, something broken, something of no value or consequence and turn it into something amazing.

next week i'll be joining some colleagues to work on a monster project. a project that will take more training, more time, more money and more people. we are part of team that is reworking the reachglobal website. and its a doozie.

but i know we are all hopeful and excited to see something that wasn't working to its capabilities and reaching its target eventually be a site of character and worth. it is a huge project but it will be finished. maybe not this week but soon.

so i guess i am thankful for my small projects. my little ways that i've seen progress and growth. big projects can steal our motivation when we don't see progress and so i'm grateful that there are enough little projects to keep me going and to keep me thankful.

my little table- the draws still stick so its not quite finished but man does it look better than when i bought it for ten bucks :)

waiting

so i've been doing a lot waiting these days. delayed flights, long lines, purchasing essentials.

and i'll still be waiting. waiting for the lease to go through. waiting for my boxes to arrive from england. and waiting to be settled in my home, my school and my work.

it is so tempting to want to rush. to get it done faster. to wish time away. to be done with waiting. but i've been learning that waiting doesn't mean just standing still. or doing nothing. it doesn't mean stopping.

i'm amazed that while waiting you can get an incredible amount of things accomplished. and that the waiting only makes you think through decisions more carefully. waiting lets you slow down.

so i'm thankful that i am being made to wait. trusting that eventually i will have a place to live, a car to drive, amazing teachers and classes and role at work that is valuable. and so i'm thankful that Jesus gives us that lesson of yeast and bread to remind us that the best things do come to those who wait!

one of the last things i made in england- a french recipe that i picked up in my travels. can't wait to make it again!

ready

so i'm pretty much ready to go. ready for the next stage. happy for the stability that being at seminary for 4 years will bring. excited for my new role at work. looking forward to having a home with space and storage! anticipating finally getting out of the city. boxes packed and shipped.

yep pretty much ready on all accounts . . . that is except for one . . .

i don't think anyone is ever ready to say goodbye. how can you ever be ready to let go of 7 years of building a life. a community. an identity.

how can you ever say goodbye to such a large part of whats makes you who you are?

well i don't think you can. but i am thankful that God is with me. He will help me with every tearful goodbye this week. He will remind me that i can always visit. He will whisper in my ear that i am loved and an ocean cannot separate me from that love. thankful that when i tempted to dig my heals in and refuse to say goodbye because i'll never be ready that He is ready to meet me, go with me, guide me and love me at each step.

my mom with my almost ready boxes . . .

lost

so what's the first thing you are supposed to do if you get lost?

i believe we are taught as children to stay put, wait, and let ourselves be found.

but can i tell you how hard that is? first to recognize that we are lost in the first place. and then to wait and keep waiting with trust until the moment we are found. we want to fight it, take control and get ourselves out of our situation.

i've been feeling more than a bit lost these days. lost in a sea of boxes. lost in the details. lost in trying to carve out a new identity. lost in the numbers. feeling like a little girl lost in a dress that is way too big for her.

God is teaching me that the best thing to do is to wait to be found. wait for God to rescue. trusting that we have a God who is in the business of finding what is lost. and as His child our job sometimes is just to wait.

thankful for His word poured out on me these last two weeks. thankful my mother will soon be here to help. thankful that God does provide and will provide. thankful God is more than enough.

He will set my feet upon the rock . . .

retreat

on sunday i go on a two week retreat. and i've been questioning the timing of this. currently i surrounded by about 50 packed boxes. so not bad. still to be packed are my pictures and art. but that's basically it. its been a bit of a push but i've managed.

however leaving for two weeks means less time with friends. less time to find someone to buy my car. less time to sort out final details. less time full stop.

in return though for going on this retreat i hope to gain more energy. more perspective. more strength for the days ahead. more grace to say a very painful goodbye. more of me to go around. and more of God.

retreats are a funny thing because they are self-imposed. they are not vacation but to some they might seem that way. so i constantly feel the need to justify it. in my mind i know it is essential that i take this retreat. but my heart in warring on me, trying to find excuses to cancel and maybe just crawl into bed instead :)

thankful for my booked plane ticket, booked place to stay, booked people to greet me and help me. grateful that Jesus set the example for retreats.

an image from my last retreat a year and a half ago - although no ocean views for me this year- the mountains instead :) see you in two weeks. . .

help

i hate asking for help. somehow it seems weak. especially when one is supposed to be self-sufficient, capable, and mature. shouldn't i be able to handle everything? shouldn't i be strong enough?

and i have some favourite excuses that prevent me from asking for help. any of these sound familiar?

it will be easier if i just do it myself . . .

oh they don't have the time, they're so busy . . .

i don't want to inconvenience anyone . . .

they'll probably just say no anyway . . .

and the excuses continue. and it does feel horrible when you finally do ask for help and then that person can't. do they have any idea how hard it was to ask in the first place? but the thing i have to keep reminding myself is that i still must keep asking. one no should not stop me from the future yeses.

the psalms are a great teacher of this. how many times do they call on God for help? and how many times does it seem like God is not answering? but when God does its always amazing- perfect in its timing and incredible in its quantity.

so i must believe in God's ability to help me and his desire to provide. i must remember to ask. and above all i must continue to give thanks to God for all he has done and continues to do.

from my window this week.

118

we sang psalm 118 yesterday. i almost cried. especially when we got the second verse.

Give thanks to God for He is good,
the everlasting Giver:
let all his people praise the LORD
whose love endures for ever.
For his right hand has made me strong;
I am his new creation:
he is my God, he is my song,
my strength and my salvation.

When troubles loomed on every side
and nameless fears surrounded,
to God my LORD I quickly cried
and soon his help abounded.
For God has heard my desperate plea
and seen my pain and sadness;
he came to me, and set me free
in paths of peace and gladness.

We trust in God, in him alone;
the stone that was rejected
has now become the cornerstone
that God has resurrected.
The day is his, first of days,
to celebrate with singing;
rejoice in God, and give him praise,
our best hosannas bringing.

The LORD has made his light to shine
on all our dark depression;
from east to west, believers join
his victory procession.
O save us LORD; give us success!
Your gifts flow like a river
O bless us, God whose name we bless!
Your love endures forever.

and the thing is in typical british fashion i have no idea what tune we sang it to :)



the doors of the cologne cathedral - we sang in a much humbler place . . .

relief

finally everyone knows that i returning to the US. well i at least i think everyone knows :) and i am breathing a huge sigh of relief. i've had to wait over 8 months before i could finally announce my plans.

i do not like keeping things hidden, quiet or secret. i am bad at it. mostly because i can't tell a lie. all someone needs to do is ask me the right question and the answer is on my face before i even open my mouth. although living in england has taught me a few things.

i have learned that it is ok to give a vague answer- usually because its more than sufficient. i have learned that people really don't want to know your entire life story in five minutes. i have learned that the weather is always a safe topic :) and after almost 7 years of living here i have learned real friendships are for life and difficult circumstances only highlight the real ones.

so it has been with very mixed emotions that i've begun packing. surviving off of grilled cheese and coffee at the moment :) but so thankful for friends, for the time spent living overseas and for God's constant care and provision!

sojourner

last week i was sharing a lot of my journey with friends and colleagues and some where in between the sharing and the crying someone wisely said remember to enjoy the journey.

so i’ve been reflecting on what that means exactly. especially since so much of my journey these last two years have been painful. how are we to enjoy the path of suffering? how do we remember to take our eyes off the painful bits and revel in the tiny God moments along the way?

i have no answers. but i am thankful for the reminder. i have been travelling for two weeks now across europe. a sojourner. at times completely at the will and mercy of others- their hospitality, their mercy and their kindness.

and we are sojourners in this life. travelling. meeting change. having unexpected detours. partners and friendships along the way. and most importantly- totally at the mercy, will and love of God.

hopefully i will meet this bend in the road with joy and take pleasure in the road i’m on :)

just like my friends and i did travelling through europe!




maps and sat navs are the only way to go . . .



the ferry crossing was made special by flocks of seagulls flying alongside us . . .



one of the many amusing sights along the way :)



enjoying germany . . .



and its food :)



finally arriving to worship with our colleagues



the sign that greeted everyone at auschwitz- 'work gains freedom'



beautiful beautiful prague . . .



loving how europeans choose to travel :)



scenic strasbourg . . .



. . . and beautiful stain-glass



and finally close to home at canterbury :)

family

i think family is an amazing thing. mostly because i don't have much in the way of biological family members - small but mighty! and i also have a great extended family. o the joy of family both related and non. and the privilege.

right now my sister-in-law in due any day with their second child. and i am an eager aunt. sad to not be there soon after the baby's birth but so excited to that anticipated day.

and also right now i am with my other family. my co-workers in faith. and i love them. its like a wonderful reunion that lasts an entire week. we worship together. we cry together. we share. and share some more.

so blessed. blessed to have so much family. a growing family. blessed to be in poland with wonderful brothers and sisters in Christ. blessed to have another niece to welcome in the family, to love and to spoil.

todd & beka . . . some of my family over here :)

member

there is something great about exceeded expectations. we've just had 16 americans for 10 whole days. and with them they brought a flurry of activity and plenty of enthusiasm. but the whole experience was more than i could ever have imagined and i was not prepared for what God would show me.

i was privileged to see the body of Christ at work. overwhelmed by what happens when everyone pulls together. pulls their weight. is a member of the body.

i worked with three different teams and while at times i wanted to pull my hair out because my phone wouldn't stop ringing, questions needed answers, and people direction. it was still a joy. i had my team of colleagues, my church here in england and my visiting church.

and the thing is we couldn't have done it without each other. if at any one point one had said, no thanks, not interested in being a member of this body it would have fallen apart.

and i am so thankful. thankful for God's grace. thankful for every member in the body of Christ. and thankful we are not left to our own but we've been given each other to accomplish greater things together :)

fortitude

there is something wonderful about the character of the average brit. and i think the word that i am looking for is fortitude. that uncanny ability to keeping going no matter the circumstance. undaunted. simply soldiering on. uncomplaining.

and last night was a fine example of what i love about britain so much.

a large group of us went to see 'emma' preformed at hanbury hall, a stately home in the english countryside. we were all looking forward to evening although wondering what would happened if it rained since it was to be preformed outside with hanbury hall being the backdrop.

and rain it did from the moment we left to the moment we got home.

but the show went on. and there we sat. in the rain. under our umbrellas. spellbound by the performance.

the actors were incredible. making puns about the weather. carrying on as if it wasn't pouring for two and a half hours straight. pretending they weren't soaked to the bone.

and a fine example of british fortitude. an amazing character trait. we americans have so much to learn about just carrying on. no complaining. no whining. no delaying. no rain date.

so thankful that there is always something to learn. thankful for every opportunity to strengthen our character. thankful God isn't finished with us yet.

preparation

i've been wondering why i always seem to forget to plan time for preparation. someone asks if i can bring desert to a bbq and i say of course :) forgetting the labour involved. co-workers and i plan a few days travel in europe and we forget how much time it takes to book hotels and plan routes. a team of 16 people are here in less than two weeks and i am amazed at how long it takes to wrap up every detail from booking restaurants and activities, to organizing rotas, and making sure everyone knows what they are doing and at what time.

and its got me thinking about how we should be setting aside time to prepare to meet with God. its not so easy to just sit down and meet with God, my attitude often getting in the way. and then i wonder why my time with God isn't magical and why He seems silent. but i haven't made any preparations. i come and i sit, expectant. yet unprepared so nothing.

but like most things, we enjoy it all the more for the preparation that has been given to it. food tastes so much better when we take our time. a holiday is enjoyed because we are prepared for the journey and new discoveries. and planning for 16 people goes smoothly when we are prepared.

and my time with God becomes more significant when i take the time to prepare my heart. when i don't just plop down and think alright now i'm ready. talk to me.

thankful that God takes us as we are, with or without preparation. yet striving to give more time to preparation. preparing for daily life and preparing for meeting with God.

enjoying making mini-pavlovas for a bbq . . . taking my time . . . slowing down . . . and thinking of brother lawrence . . . .

hosting

there is something really lovely about having a home and cramming it full of people. one of the many things that i have missed this last year was the joy of inviting people round to my home, feeding them, and having laugh together. coffee and cake with friends. birthday and thanksgiving celebrations. my home is also the centre of where i work. meetings are held here. hours logged in at the computer. times of prayer. and it is also been a refuge. a tiny hideaway from the busyness of life. but my favourite has always been the pleasure of hosting whether its for friends or for work. i love serving tea and coffee. i love baking cakes and constantly trying to attempt the perfect meal. and most of all i love seeing people enjoying themselves in my home. there is true pleasure in knowing that you've helped create an environment that allows people to relax, discuss important topics, laugh together and generally have a great time. so thankful for my home and the joy God gives in serving from the home!

some banana cake and a work meeting at my place . . . .

veiled

Sarkozy earlier this week:
"The burqa is not a religious sign, it is a sign of the subjugation, of the submission of women. I want to say solemnly that it will not be welcome on our territory," he said to strong applause.

and then later this week from Saira Khan:
my message to those Muslims who want to live in a Talibanised society, and turn their face against Britain, is this: 'If you don't like living here and don't want to integrate, then what the hell are you doing here? Why don't you just go and live in an Islamic country?'

i don't what your thoughts are about women covering up are and if you are like the many that see it as a sign of oppression. i have heard arguments either way. submission or protection. shame or honour. but what i find interesting is how this topic opens up the issue of tolerance and integration in europe. statistically speaking britain has a much higher rate of muslims keeping their religion and customs than their european counterparts. britain has allowed and almost encouraged religious freedom and tolerance to such an extent that entire communities can live without interacting with the rest of the nation. yet in france or germany where outward signs of religion are forbidden or discouraged there is greater adaptability and integration of the various cultures that call europe home. i don't have a solution- america forced integration and learned many hard lessons in the process but if they hadn't where would we be now? but if britain allows this constant separation and legalization of sharia law where will it be in 50 years? and what would jesus say? and how are his followers responding? puzzling questions for sure. thankful for God's call on all to be salt and light in darkening world.

my city- a hazy view but think of it as a veil.

rain

nothing says being back in england quite like rain everyday. and its been a hard week adjusting to bringing my umbrella every where, not being able to plan outdoor activities- especially on the weekend and the general grayness. although today the sun is shining it still makes you question if it will last the day. well i've been making my way through the old testament and i am starting to wonder if we miss some crucial aspect of God and his people. there was a lot of praying for rain. vast desert. a fair share of drought. plenty of 3 years of nothing and then the clouds finally begin to gather. desert and drought. flood and rain. physical lessons and repercussions. spiritual examples and revelation. its given me lots to think about this week. seasons in my life. times of desert and times of flood. and wanting to know God more, to grasp His Word with greater clarity and to experience the power of Him who controls even the wind. thankful for:

* the God of famine and feast, who's hand in is all and over all!

* being with friends, talking, eating, and living :)

* the encouragement of how God is working in this city through friends and co-workers!

it has been a full week, catching up, meetings upon meetings. but things definitely seem to be moving forward with the girls club. please be praying. we are hoping to set a day and finalize everything this upcoming week. pray for no unexpected hitches and for us to be able to start to the week of the 22nd without a problem. and please keep praying for me as I still feel behind in everything.

from kitchen window earlier this week . . .

foodies

so i was sitting in our team meeting the other day. thankful to be back with my teammates and amazed at God's goodness in bringing all of us together. we were only missing one and she will be flying in on monday. so we are catching up with each other and typically the topic turns to food. favourite places, best meals, what we cooked recently and we went on and on. i think if we were allowed to we would all happily talk about food for an entire evening. we are foodies. nothing brings us more pleasure than discussing food unless that means actually eating it! there are many great things about my team and many things that we share in common but i sometimes think that our love of food binds us together :) and maybe its because we know the true joy of sitting around the table with friends, lingering over dessert and wishing the conversation would never end. to me it has to do with coming together, the fellowship, and the food that makes it possible. Jesus spent many meals with people and his last significant talk was over a meal. there is power behind eating together with other believers. like a small taste of heaven. thankful for:

* God giving us seasons and hope for new beginnings :)

* safe travels and an uncomplicated flight!

* being home!!!!

its been a busy week. my house is dusty, some of my plants are dead, the pantry needs re-stocking, stuff is still in boxes and there are friends to be seen and work to catch up on. and my time is filling up with out any effort on my part. please pray for me as i settle in and get caught up on everything. pray i get back to sleeping well. and pray get into a good routine.

a recent dinner i cooked for a friend- chicken stuffed with goat's cheese wrapped in bacon, roasted new potatoes and green beans, and then mini- pavlova's with berries and cream :)