a reminder

ive been coughing and hacking for more than 3 weeks now. grr. been on a course of antibiotics but still no good. cant take sick leave cos we're severely understaffed. so im coughing away and my patients are worried they r gonna get my cough. hmm. slightly annoying.

but anyways, im gonna talk abt a patient who i admitted the other day.

it was an elderly lady who came in with painless jaundice. sounds familiar??? she was soo severely jaundiced and kinda reminded me of me when i was once jaundiced. and her bilirubin levels can compare with mine. hers was in the mid 200s. she was referred in by her GP and had a CT scan which showed gallbladder cancer. sad story. it gets worse. i go to see her and find out the history. turns out she's the last surviving member of her family. she's a miss and her parents and siblings have all passed away. she was once engaged but her fiance died in his 30s. she's not married, doesnt have any children but has lots of friends and lives alone at home with a dog. a cute one too. a maltese terrier. throughout the conversation, she starts asking me questions. "are you married?" "err no, im not." "do you have a boyfriend?" "actually i do." "well, you should hurry up and get married and have lots of babies." "laughs" "at least 4."

and then i had to tell her the diagnosis and that the scan shows it's most likely cancer. sigh. hate telling ppl bad news. she took it rather well though. and then when i went back to the nurse's station to write my notes, it kinda hit me. a few months ago, my mind was set on being a spinster. to live with my sister and have a dog. i even wanted a maltese or a terrier. i was also jaundiced a few months ago. and then i realised, i would have probably been the last member of the family to survive if me and my sister were both spinsters. and then i realised if i was diagnosed with a terminal illness, i would be all alone. and then i felt like crying.

luckily i didnt cry right there and then, but i was certainly close. she reminded me of the future i was planning out for myself a few months ago. and there she was, telling me to get married quickly and have kids. it seemed to me she wanted dat for herself but couldnt. it seemed she was lonely although she had frens and i could tell she was contented with her life but i could see regret. it made me sad.

she's going home tmr and she wants to continue living at home with her dog, molly. it's times like these dat im glad im a doctor, to have the privilege of knowing someone else's life story. and to have it influence ur own. 

change of career?

sometimes i wonder whether i went onto the rite career path. i remember being stuck in high school, not knowing wat to study in university and one of my teachers said i haf the luxury of choosing wat i want to do becos i can prob get into watever course i want to do. and so i chose the most difficult course to get into. thinking i understood wat it meant and the sacrifices it would take. and now dat im in the line of medicine, the sacrifices i make still never fails to astound me. do i enjoy my work? i dunno. i guess the only time i do enjoy my work is when i see my patients so grateful. i had a patient thanking me the other day for my work and care and in my mind, i thot, i didnt really do very much. technically, all i did was assist in her surgery and put out blood forms so dat she would get pricked and make sure she pooped by charting regular laxatives. but still, she was ever so grateful and dat made me smile. is dat job satisfaction?

there are many days when i wish i had the guts to just take a step off my career path and head towards a completely different direction. and wat would i do? i dunno. i dunno wat my passion is i spose. but ive always loved food and dance and the entertainment industry.

careers to consider:

food critic: now i would love to be this but i would obviously require a flair of writing and i would prob need to enter journalism school to do this. and well, my love for writing does not extend dat far unfortunately. but i do love food...

pattisier: i love desserts but im not a fan of waking up early each morning to start baking and preparing cakes and pastries. sadness. and to do this, i would have to go to cooking school. hmm..could be an option.

backup dancer: way too competitive as it is and considering my age and my lack of technical training, impossible.

film editor: would require studying film and film history, could potentially be interesting. but i wouldnt have a clue where to start.

actress: many obstacles here. not pretty enuf and not talented enuf. altho i think im pretty good at crying on the spot. and besides, i dont think i could handle criticism from the anti-fans. 

air stewardess: the travels would excite me but this is a career that kinda leads to nowhere. and as my dad always says, it's a glorified waitress. sigh. but this was once my dream job.

scrub nurse: now i think dat i would be an excellent scrub nurse. meticulous and tidy. and i reckon im good at assisting. but this would require me training to be a nurse in the first place and wiping old ppl's bottoms is not favourable at all.

dentist: there are many times when i have regretted my choice of doing medicine. dentistry is a wonderful job for ladies who want to work 9-5 on weekdays and want to look pretty all day. i would have been able to dress up and wear heels becos they sit on stools most of the time. and seriously i dont understand why docs say they wouldnt want to look into ppl's mouths all day. i reckon docs are worse off, we have to look into mouths without the option of wearing a mask and look into other orifices dat smell and look worse. and i dont think anybody ever died from seeing a dentist. but becoming a dentist would require me to study for another 4 yrs and live in dunedin, which i do not want to do.

maybe i havent discovered my passion for medicine. i havent found a specialty which i love to bits. maybe dats why i keep thinking abt quitting and changing jobs. sigh.