now im really sick.

i seriously hate being sick...

so now my cough is so much worse than before..im coughing thruout the nite..im so tired from all the coughing..and im getting really lethargic..oh crap..i seriously hope it's not the flu..i hope it's not strep throat either cos i dont wanna get rheumatic fever or glomerulonephritis..hahahaha..

and i did end up taking friday off..and i didnt tell anyone..and today i realised i was actually paged on friday..oh crap..no wonder my pager was beeping the whole wkend..i thot it was the heat pump going crazy..haha..technically i dont think im well enuf to even go to hosp tmr..but tmr is a busy day and ive got to look up the notes for the case im gonna present for tues meeting..sigh..why cant i get better soon?!?!

ive even resorted to drinking barley water which i really hate..it's come to desperation..im even taking cough syrup which i dont believe in..

and ive still got dat bloody paeds chronic case to finish which is due on tues..sigh..everything is dependent on me being well..not SICK! im seriously screwed.....

damn swine *cough*

*cough* im sick with a cough..caught it from my "bf" in the wkend..cos she was coughing all over while talking..haha..she's gonna scold me when she reads this..

so ive started back at a real hospital this wk..and now im sick with a cough..but technically im still well..i havent got any REAL flu symptoms..i dont have a temperature. i dont have a runny nose. i dont have muscle aches. im still functioning as normal. it's just this irritating cough..and with all the swine flu paranoia, im scared when i start coughing since i feel like ppl are asking me, with their eyes, are u sick? and yea im coughing..but no sore throat and it's a dry cough..but the more i talk, the worse i feel..and there are moments when my throat gets tickled then i cant stop coughing and hacking away..and then i SOUND really sick but then im not really? get wat i mean?

so wat shuld i do? in normal circumstances if the damn swine flu wasnt such a big hooha, i would still be going to hospital and doing my thing..cos i really hate having days off..and then my team would think im a slackass..and also how do i let my team kno dat im sick? if i suddenly go MIA, then wat would they think? sigh..but in the current situation of swine flu paranoia, i think dat if i go to hosp tmr, i would be coughing more..cos im def coughing more now than ytd..and somehow i think it's due to over talking..think i need to rest my voice..and either whisper or use sign language..and then im also on call tmr..eek! meaning seeing patients..meaning talking..sigh..

and then the other issue is can i go to teaching tmr? i really wanna take the day off..maybe i will in the end if i feel like im coughing every 5 mins..i think i mite even be starting to get a bit wheezy..and then im going to the movies tmr nite as well..shuld i be doing dat? going to crowded areas when im coughing?? but i kno i dont have swine flu!

ergh..i blame the pigs. *cough*

baking brownies.

since it's the last week of the run, i thought i would bake something since ive been getting free lunches at the medical centre..it's quite good how they do their lunches..each person would take turns to make lunch and so ive been eating kiwi lunches for the past 3 and a bit wks..lots of soups, make your own sandwiches, rice cakes, lots of bread, and more soups..which is great for winter since it's sooo cold at the moment..but the funny thing abt their soups is they add barley..interesting..im not a big fan of barley..but i just eat watever they give me out of courtesy and lunches have been pretty tasty! altho i am getting a lil sick of bread.

so anyways..ive spent the nite in the kitchen baking away..trying out a new brownie recipe..and i think im a perfectionist when it comes to baking..i dont like to estimate..i always gotta get the measuring cups out and measure out 2 cups of sugar, or 2 tsps of vanilla essence..according to recipe..but then today..the brownie mixture looked kinda watery even tho i followed the recipe exactly! so i decided to add a bit more flour..dat was really out of character..

and now it's done..but a bit burnt..i just hope it's cooked..i made brownie a couple of wks ago and it didnt cook very well but was burnt on the top..think my problem is i use too small a baking pan..so the brownie becomes too thick and is not evenly cooked..

im not much of a cooking person in the first place..i like to cook if i have the time..and depends on how creative i feel..im quite exotic with my cooking..i like to add random things together..like my tasty avocado, tuna and mayonnaise spread for toast..haha i remember my ex-flatmates got really grossed out but then they tried it and also had it for lunch..

and then i cook out of necessity which can become a lil tedious..but i hate the cleaning up..esp in this cold weather, washing dishes is a pain..and my hands get dry..sigh..dont think im cut out to be a housewife..hahaha.

my mum doesnt even like to bake so im the one dat has to bake if i wanna eat sweet things..i was really insistent on baking this time..my parents were even telling me to buy a cake..i think ppl tend to be more impressed when u make it urself..hahaha..oh well..i just hope the brownie tastes good..

remind me not to smell bad when i get old...

today i went ard visiting patients at their homes with the district nurse..and most of the patients are old..they mostly need wound dressings, or health checks, or it turns out being a "social visit"..i.e. they just want the company..cos no one else comes to see them otherwise..and they're pretty stuck at home cos they are a falls risk or they r half blind..or watever their reason is..

one man has one of those motor scooter rides..and apparently he goes all the way to the medical centre riding on the scooter..i had a funny visual of this old man riding on his red scooter at like 10km/hr..on a 100km/hr highway..lol..i just hope he's keeping to his side of the road or doesnt get swept away by the traffic!

i also saw 2 women who were past 90 yrs old..one had recently turned 100..and apparently u get given a card from the Queen herself for reaching 100..cool..i wonder if the Queen turned 100 herself, who would she get a card from? write to herself? how sad. haha..but these women were living on their own..amazing..truly truly amazing..

it's interesting visiting patients at their homes..but wat i found is dat old ppl tend to have a certain smell..not a very nice one..some old ppl just smell like old ppl..some old ppl smell prob cos they havent had a shower in a while..eww..one man was like dat today..i nearly wanted to puke when i walked into his house..i couldnt even say hello cos i had to take a breath..i just waved at him..hahaha..took me like a good minute to get used to the smell..

and i have to say some ppl in general smell..there were a couple of patients dat came in ytd who smelt bad..some kids smell bad too..and ive noticed dat it's mainly boys..i figured it's cos they don't shower on a regular basis..either dat or they take 2 min showers which are useless cos seriously, wat can u clean in 2 mins?!? not a heck of a lot! so i encourage boys/men to shower..please..for the sake of the environment..

then i told my parents, please don't smell when u get old..they said they will try not to..haha..but apparently my sis thinks my dad smells already..lol..oops..too late..the process has already started..i just hope they turn out to be healthy old ppl..and are at least able to shower longer than 2 mins on a daily basis..

btw, my parents have just joined facebook..initially my mum made an account but then realised she doesnt have many frens..so i changed the account name to my dad instead..cos some of his frens are actually on facebook (?!?!?) my mum is funny..i haf no idea why she wanted to join facebook in the first place..she doesnt even use the internet very much..even my sis is not on facebook..and yet my parents are now..super duper strange..

the weekend dat was...

i had a pretty good wkend despite not doing very much..

well i was meant to go to the gym to try out the fitness class but unfortunately my laziness got the better of me..oopsies..slept in and thus will have to try again next wk..but maybe it's a sign dat i wont go to the gym so regularly so i shuldnt pay such expensive gym fees..but then maybe i would be more inclined to go knowing dat ive paid for it? i dunno..still thinking if i shuld join les mills or not..sigh..

so instead i slept..i actually slept a lot this wkend..slept on fri morn (got the morn off again!) and then slept on fri nite..then slept in till sat aftn..got woken up by a txt msg..then i actually did some work..finally finished my CV and cover letters..thankfully! it's a load of crap anyways..but i always tend to write a bunch of crap once i start typing..hence i can blog abt so much crap..like this..hahahaha..and then spent sat nite at a fren's place..talking abt more crap..and chatting abt crap..hahaha..

and then i also finally finished reading breaking dawn, the 4th and last book of the twilight series..so im happy dat i have finally done dat! but dat meant i didnt sleep as much..then got woken up again by a txt msg on sun..haha..had a bday lunch for one of my frens..then started talking abt more crap over coffee..hahaha..notice the trend of talking abt crap? hahahaha..crapping is fun..

and now here i am at home trying to finish up some more work..gotta do my rural gp assignment which hopefully will get done by today..so it's been quite a good wkend..hanging out with the frens..got some work done..

the only thing lacking is some eye candy..lol.

to gym or not to gym?

in a dilemma.

shuld i pay an exorbitant amount to join les mills??? esp since i have less than 6 mths before i start work (eek!) which means a higher weekly rate..oh but i wanna be fit and have abs! i remembered when i was once fit..sigh..wat a long time ago..i also wanna be more flexible..do the yoga and pilates classes..sigh..shuld i shuld i??? and besides i have nothing better to do socially anyways. if i join, it means i have to go to the gym for at least 3hrs each week to make it worthwhile..possible or not? i get so lazy at times tho..altho im hoping regular exercise will increase my endorphins, making me less lazy and more happy! but ill be less happy cos my bank balance wont be happy :(

oh well..im trying a class out on sat. see how dat goes first i spose. but omg im becoming such a spendthrift..im still not recovered from the excessive shopping from elective. think i need to join SA. Shopaholics Anonymous.

dancing to kpop

i havent posted music videos in a while. and since im currently listening to KPop. thot i would share this latest one. it's called fire by 2ne1 (meant to be pronounced as 21. a bit silly really cos none of the members are 21?)



i didnt like them initially but they kinda grow on u. first saw them in another music video with Big Bang, this supposedly big boyband in Korea. and they arent exactly dat pretty and their styling is just weird!

but the song is ultra catchy and it's got a good beat. and they are pretty good dancers. and i always love ppl who can dance so they get extra brownie points for dat! and their live performances are pretty good too.



but then again, i still think son dambi is more my style. haha. i just love her dance moves and she's got killer legs. hahahaha! this song is kinda old now but i still love it!



another entertaining video is the oldie but goodie by wondergirls. "i want nobody, nobody but you! clap clap!"



these 3 are the current songs on my playlist. grooving away...

writing my CV

i hate writing CVs just cos it's so full of bullshit.

im not exactly the type of person dat loves to boast my strong points and persuade ppl to believe im this wonderful person. and besides, who is truthful on their CVs anyway? it's always some variation of the truth..and i always run out of adjectives to use..so sick of using words like good, excellent, amazing, wonderful, fantastic! haha..not dat i use those..but i always have to use the thesaurus for other words so i dnt end up repeating myself.

job applications are due in 2 weeks which is really freaking me out. i really have to decide now and im kinda like 90% decided on timaru. but it kinda depends on whether i get it. it turns out it's quite competitive and i guess im now leaving it to God to decide my next path in life..

the good news is im no longer required to stay in NZ to work since the govt has removed the conditions as part of my step up scholarship. it's good for me but i think the govt is really dumb for doing dat. cos now im more likely to leave NZ. haha. which means i could be moving at the end of next yr..to where? i have no idea. but it definitely gives me more options. and technically i dnt even have to work in nz next yr. but then it's kinda too late to start thinking abt working in other countries.

so anyways i better get back to writing my CV. gotta promote myself in the best possible way without lying too much..haha..

surrounded by love...

recently i had a girl's nite sleepover and there were 3 of us girls..and the other 2 girls were both recently in new relationships..and then there was me, the single one.

u kno dat feeling u get from being in a new relationship? excitement, nervousness, the butterflies, the happily in love kinda feeling? haha well yea these 2 girls had it. no offense to them but i was jealous..haha..and they knew it. cos i told them. haha.

thruout the nite, both were receiving txt msgs..receiving phone calls from their "guy"..haha. and then there was me, txting one of my good frens who was somewhere else. so there they were, txting their guy, and there i was, txting a girl. so my fren was my "boyfriend"..haha! she's single too so now ive decided we shuld be each other's boyfriends..haha..but she doesnt kno it yet..ill tell her later today..haha.

so anyways, there i was surrounded by these 2 girls who were madly in love..and altho i miss dat feeling, i was still very much happy for them. but of cos i was teasing them abt it..making up soppy love msgs like, "i miss u baby!" or "i love u honey!"..*goosebumps*..and then afterwards after i keep hearing the msgs go off, i would do my single moans..it's the moans dat single girls make.."why am i still single?", "i'll never get a bf!", or "i want a bf!"..not dat those were my exact words..*erhem*..

but yea i felt a little out of place being the single one out of us 3 girls..but i was still very much happy for them, envious of them even for having found someone they truly like..

and then after dat, we were analysing my lovelife and one of the girls concluded dat im still single cos im too "choosy"..haha..she's prob rite. but dats another story altogether..

He is good.

in my moment of need, He answered my prayer...

and i realised today dat my elective reports are in fact due on tues, not tmr as i originally thot.

i have the morning off tmr thanks to a lovely GP who is super duper nice and he so suits being a GP.

so instead im not as stressed out as before. God is good.

alone but lucky

i had a bit of a mini breakdown last nite.

everything in life just got to me. the work i have to complete, my current status in life, job applications, my future, things to prepare for grad, it all seemed to overwhelm me and then something just triggered everything off and i was feeling frustrated with myself. demotivated. to the point where i was grouchy and wanted to scream. it was a moment of depression. i laid in bed feeling angsty and thinking abt my life and the things dat sucked in it. and then i just broke down. but i couldn't even cry a good cry cos i was too cold in bed. i felt so alone at dat point in time. sometimes i feel like letting everything out. confide into someone who wouldn't judge me or put me down. reveal my true self and let down my strong front. it gets tiring trying to be strong all the time, trying to prove to myself dat i can do it all. and then everything gets to me and i realise im not as strong as i think i am. sometimes i wish i could lean on someone and just cry my sorry heart out. but it would mean showing my flaws, my weaknesses, my failures. and would people still be my fren if they knew? who knows. i cant even use this blog as an outlet since it's so public. im venting but it's usually a minimised version of how i truly feel inside. wat u see on the blog has been edited. sometimes i can only tell everything to God cos im scared of wat other ppl mite say. isn't it funny how i try so hard to not care abt being judged but actually deep down im scared of wat ppl think of me? ive made mistakes, ive made bad choices, i continue to make them. it's hard making decisions. it's hard being an adult with responsibility.

and then there are days like today which was a good day. today reminded me of why i chose my career path. i actually enjoyed working. i think im a natural workaholic despite my tendency to love sleep and holidays. if im at work, id rather be busy than be free doing nothing, leaving me time to think. and then i saw a woman with depression and realise i'm still really lucky. my life may not be perfect but techinically i cant complain. i'm healthy and i have my whole life ahead of me. why do i get so down sometimes? i dunno. sometimes it's my moments of weakness, sometimes it's unexplainable. but i just have to remind myself of how i came to this stage and realise dat ive come a long way.

my twilight obsession

so remember how i was on elective a couple of months back? well on the first international flight plane out of auckland, i watched the movie twilight and dat was the beginning of my twilight obsession. i absolutely loved the movie! the chemistry btw edward and bella was hot! and of cos girls everywhere can agree with me dat robert pattinson is a hottie..and wat girl wouldn't want their own edward, their own vampire hottie who goes thru so much internal anguish not to feed on her..hahaha..dats tru love! haha..as if there really are vampires in the world..

then i was in nepal and found dat the twilight books were heck of a lot cheaper than anywhere else. i was able to get each book for about 10-15 dollars. the books are selling for 25 dollars here. so i ended up reading the twilight series during my time in nepal since there were power cuts and entertainment came in the form of reading, one of my forgotten pasttimes. i remember i would search the bookstores for each of the 4 books and the last book was the hardest to get cos it was out of stock in many bookstores. and when i finally found it, it was the most expensive and i even bargained for the price to go down, which turned out to be successful! and i remember being obsessed reading it with times where i would read with my torchlight when there was no more power..

and then i even found the pirated dvd! for only 3 dollars..and i would watch it on my laptop with the girls and gush over the sweet and funny moments..haha..im such a sucker for these kinda movies..and then with each subsequent flight where there's inflight entertainment, i would watch the movie and fastforward to my favourite bits. i love the soundtrack too!

and i have to say the books are worth reading..for the juicy details and plot background. but i have the say dat there's not much of edward in new moon. eclipse is a super good read! and im still in the middle of breaking dawn..which is a little draggy. now dat im back to civilisation, the internet and tv have taken over my reading time..

and yes they've started making new moon! and the trailer was just released today! woohoo! and it looks pretty hot! even jacob looks hot! the actor's been working out!



and yay! twilight has won the mtv movie awards for best movie! looks like the twilight obsession shall continue on..and yes i shuld finish the 4th book..but now back to doing my dreaded elective reports..sigh.