不想一路走來珍惜的回憶沒有你

20130516

不应常常熬夜
城市情歌太悲伤
不想想起的人
总在脑海里浮现

若需要不想不想一个人
那你已经在想了，不是吗？

这是一个自导自演
没有结局的故事
主角只有一个
所以走不出来了……

很想离开一阵子
想知道会有人想我吗？
若没人想念，又能怎样呢？

20120703

When a girl says no to a guy and it actually meant yes. I think I could understand why she did that now. It is because she knows the guy don't know how to handle the answer yes... Sighs I guess I am being too nice am I? 犯贱犯傻了... If I am treating you as a very good friend, I wonder if I am the same to you too.. Not that I am asking for ultra nice treatment, but probably the way you treat a normal friend is better than the way you are treating me. Dilemma. I don't want to sound like a stupid woman requiring attention or what. Because I know I don't need. But probably at that point of time where the rain was dampening everything, i really felt like an abused kid. Just following wherever you go or do. Like wtf. Totally. I need to rant!!! Cos I don't want this to spoil anything that we are facing now. As a group. And definitely not in the middle of an overseas trip. It is horrible. I know I can't handle the awkwardness. Sighs. But I don't want this to continue too. Guess I should try to widen the distance between me and him now. There is a limit to close friends. Yes. Close friends. Can't be anything more than that already. I née to draw the limit myself. 그만해.

20120625

lol. at this rate. my favourite hobby is going to be breaking the record of not posting. omg. i just realized its been more than a year ever since i posted!!!
NUS Year 3 is gone already!!!
Shall try to recall what happened in year 3 semester 1!
Kinda a deadly semester with three advanced accounting modules. But it turned out to be so much better than i expected. I GOT ONTO DEAN'S LIST THIS SEMESTER YO! hahahahahahaha! epicness. thanks to korean level 1 and my SU option ^^v
I still remembered how epic was bidding at the start of the semester because of chenee's fickleness in choosing modules. sighs. she decided to follow her future (now current) boyfriend in the path of finance instead of her own path in marketing. hope she dont lose herself on the way though. compromise too much not good, not good. as it was just my elective, so i anyhow choose, and i am free to accompany chenee to take module :) better than taking myself anyway. got reliable project mate and class mate :D ouch. i suddenly remembered how i always sleep during finance class.. =.=;; sorry dr yeo. YOU ARE AN AWESOME PROFESSOR. its my sleeping bugs. they are just too powerful to be subdued.
valuation was shitty thanks to stupid programming. cant believe i was gek till i cried because i couldn't get the stupid VBA to work properly. $#@$^&*%$# at first i hated stephen lynn a lot cos i think he dunno how to teach. but well, luckily it got better after all the VBA shit was stopped. if not i will attend valuation lessons with vengeance. and well, it turned out good in the end! A-!!! WOOHOO!
law was nice. got nice project group heeheehee. working with cynthia is so fun! :D she is really too cute already la. and it was partly thanks to her that i scored so well for my exams too, i guess. burning ultra midnight oil with cynthia at 3+ 4+ was so good. made me learn a lot of new stuff OVERNIGHT. awesome. was very worried about law too especially after midterms. luckily it turned out well!!! A- too! WHEEE!
oo then the last module is stinky old man 臭老头. i really dont like him! he so 好色！cant really teach also. lucky i didnt do badly! if not i will curse and swear at him hahahaha! and the project so tough cos got bisexual in my team. scared the shit out of chenee and me, especially after hearing what she did to tianzhu. POOR TIANZHU. and i dunwan to become like you. and apart from scaring us, she almost didnt contribute. HECK LA. A- three! FANTASTIC!
meanwhile, the thought of going exchange kept me alive and kicking throughout the whole semester. the thought of going exchange just thrills me. hahahahaha!

for the december holidays, went to do internship at Deloitte ERS. deloitte again. haha. how can i not go back after i went there for internship twice. 말도안돼~~ o well, but its ok! will see many friends there :D ERS was hmmm.. fun la. cos ultra slack. spent a lot of time thinking how to pass time. zzz. at least the people there were very kind to me :D heehee which is good! i like to be treated kindly hahahahaha! as for learning, yeah i guess i did learn some stuff, just that how useful it is. i will know in the future! made many good friends there too! probably can go find them eat lunch when im back in deloitte external audit. lalala~~~ lunch buddies ^^

okies. thats all i can do to help revive it for a while. will try to blog as much as i can about exchange! need to write finish hard copy diary first T.T then slowly transfer to slow copy!!

안녕!

20110601

for bottling up is too much a pain for me to take
and i cant cry without people telling me dont cry or teasing me for being emo

i am sad for knowing too much things not for my own sake but for others
then it became an insult to be "smart" when others are getting better grades than me

its sad because i dunno if i should open up this blog to let people know the darker side of me
i am afraid to be judged, as much as i want to be cool and just heck about what people think of me

dont tell me you are feeling alone, because i have been feeling alone for a lot of things without telling people
and maybe thats why i dunno how to ask for help now

the saddest thing is i dunno why i am thinking of so much stuff now when i desperately need to rest

20110516

lalala. just changed my template again (for myself to see only). lol.
i think i am a very paranoid person, or contradictory. i feel like opening up my blog, so i dun have to type the password everytime i go and preview the blog template when i am editing it. its not like i mind people reading my blog then knowing more about the darker sides of me, but i am more afraid that people will judge me, or leak out stuff that i was unhappy about because that will only harm friendships. although now i dont really mind if some friendships are gone. those that i cared about most in the past, but trying to make myself care less/not care anymore. weird right, i know. but it is to save myself from being more 犯贱. haha.

20110415

just realized its been >6months that i have blogged. so i guess its going to be quite a long one this time round..

today is the last day of school but its my free day so i was just nua-ing at home. epic thursday yesterday, slept at 530am, and ended up waking at 2pm today. well i deserved the sleep after all the random work i have been doing for the past few days. i think i need to let off some bitchiness inside me before i can talk about the happier things this semester!

yesterday, went school at 10am after sleeping at 4am the previous day.. was doing SS report. >< then in the afternoon SS meeting, a happy meeting filled with laughter and etc. the nightmare started when i started discussing (consultation?) with my macro econs group. its not really considered a group since there was only 1 person discussing with me. one got dance one got exam (so havent finish assignment) how epic can that be. and best, the 1 person is not discussing with me, its more like CONSULTING me. consulting me is ok, i mean i dont mind explaining to you and all, but I REALLY DONT LIKE IT IF YOUR TONE IS BAD (i dont care if you have poor english) or YOU JUST END UP ASKING ME TO EXPLAIN EVERY SINGLE QUESTION/PART. i explained, you dun understand, i explain AGAIN in simpler terms. seriously what more do you expect from me, i am not an angel hello. I HAVE A BITCH LIVING INSIDE ME. or even asking me to explain the textbook to you. and keep telling me "i dont understand your answer to this question." and when i ask you what do you think should be put inside, you just simply answered "i dunno". THEN? I SHOULD KNOW? but well, i should give you credits for your effort for coming online and always handing up the assignments. just that ytd you really make me very pissed off. and i totally regretted giving everyone SAME MARKS FOR PEER EVALUATION on monday. 他妈的犯贱。then group mate who finished exam started chionging assignment right after that, ok give you credit for effort. then started msn-ing me at 2am to discuss this question. awesome. ended up just telling me "i dunno how to do, but i got answers from my friends". then why not just tell me your friends' answers before 2am? since your answers = your friends' ones anyway. so i ended up BOTHERED by a STUPID macro assignment from 830pm to 3am. FREAKING AWESOME. and the best part of the assignment is the last question was something not taught during lecture. teaching feedback exercise.... i got alot of things to say!!! >< bloody hell. and for my group: i really dunno if i should be feeling ANGRY, SAD OR HAPPY. i can see the efforts, i can see that you all are trying, but i dont see the answers which is what we need when the deadline is just tomorrow. and then everyone just tell me that "o i have this, and that". YAH I AM SUPER FREE, I DONT HAVE REPORT, I DONT NEED TIME FOR MYSELF?! ok enough of my macro! at least im happy because the exam is 40MCQs.

oo and on a side note, i actually cried out tears of anger because of stupid macro. i didnt even do that when i was in the week of hell when i had deadlines everyday of the week. bloody macro seriously. you better give me at least a B+ if not i will curse the professor and tutor once i remember. if not i will just bitch about the both of you to everyone i know. HMPH!!

ok, then its alright! now to SS report, i started editing the report, and providing consultation for my macro group mate at the same time. and i finished editing before i finished discussing my macro. lol. and the time to edit comes from my group mate thinking of what to ask me. >< but anyway, after i was officially done with macro at 3am, i need to start editing the report, because the word limit exceeded by 200+ words. torture, i had to read the entire report 10times? to cut away the excess 200+ words. cos i think chenee added all the flowers with mac, then mingxi told me before that mac word count and microsoft word count different, so i asked tz to do word count, and ended up to be 1.5K+ lor. sighhs. so no choice had to do word cutting, after all i was still rather conscious at 3am despite sleeping for only 4hours. im seriously amazed at myself. yupps so after cutting all the words away, it became 530.. sighhs. broke record for the semester already lor. this semester's record was originally 4am one. SIGHS. sad life.

today, woke up at 2pm, asked tz how is the report, then she called me and told me the word count yesterday was wrong. we didn't exceed the word limit. LOL. joke. but well, at least after my editing, alot of repeats were removed and the report became concise just that it was too concise, so tz and chenee continued adding flowers hahaha. but i am alright with it la. but then again! our SS report got 4 ppl doing!! so ytd i was rather disappointed with weile, i know he is tired, but then again who is NOT? i thought he could just take a nap and then at least crawl up in the night to show concern but well, he did not. DISAPPOINTING. sighs.

and well thats the end of my epic thursday!!

now i shall look back at the semester now!!
the most memorable module this semester for me was surprisingly biz comm, the one that i had the worst impression of cos of the complaints i kept hearing from my friends last semester.. i really think biz comm is ALL about the tutor. if your tutor is good, biz comm would be a nice module, which was what happened for my case! :D
my biz comm group was an interesting combination of an author, marketing major, food critic and me, an accountant! it was kinda the first time i did group work with 3 business students. i was also worried because i was the only girl in the group and i was very scared that i wont be able to talk to them without feeling awkward. so i was actually happy that they were guys of my frequency, so i was super relieved. but i knew that for this first half of the semester, i was still feeling uneasy in the class, partly cos of the stress to fight for for class participation. but later in the semester, i 看开 already after doing more group work. so i started enjoying the classes as the people in my class started getting close to each other and the atmosphere was very amiable :D but my biz comm group was really one of the best groups i had so far. frankly speaking, working with them was less stressful and better than working with tz they all too. maybe because we have the same attitude towards work which is very important. although brad didnt do anything, bryan and mingxi put in effort to overlook everyone's work and we helped each other. it was good, because i was not the only one overlooking now and it minimized the mental burden i have. :) and they were nice people to talk to which is the best part. ^^ I NEED TO TALK. i really like my tutor alot. he makes me feel that i have things to learn from him, even when biz comm is such a general module. i learnt from him in terms of organizing slides, how to pay attention to even more anal stuff than now. hahaha. i will write super good stuff for him for academic feedback :D

APB was ok maybe because i was grouped with tz, tb and jean. jean makes me feel very safe/relieved. although she always throw me links/tons of information to read, at least she motivates me to do my work properly, if not i will feel very guilty when i go for group discussions. cos i know she will definitely put in more effort than me even when she is super tired.. :) tb exceeded my expectations cos this time round she actually took more initiative as compared to the last time i did mkting with her. :D :D but tz still can improve la. she didnt contribute much for the tutorial answers.. sighhs. but i think she tried hard so its ok bah.

GEM = slack. hahahaha. i went for the first and last lecture so its considered got head got tail muahahahahaha! thinking if i should study very hard or just anyhow study.. >< 60MCQs. very hard for me to study THAT HARD. sighhs. I WILL TRY. maybe can get >B+ :D :D then i can work abit less hard next sem HAHAHAHAHA!

Singapore studies was ok, much better than i expected maybe because of the prof? it is nice to listen to him talk cos his english is very smooth, and he instills interest in me with his jokes and hidden criticisms at the government. felt more like a singaporean after listening to him talk. maybe thats why SS is a compulsory thingy in NUS eh? national identity hahahaha! it was also the first time i did project with chenee! chenee really very power! it feels good to be working with another superwoman.. cos sometimes one superwoman very tired de... and i like her working style because it is very systematic! something for me to learn from too :D :D

now i shall talk about huiping and her bf, GG. sighs. i dun understand GG at all. not like huiping understands anyway. that day went out with huiping (AFTER SO LONG) to shop for tianzhu's present.. and she was telling me about her and GG, actually i think im one of the last few to know already, but yah anyway, she's been emoing for some time? which i actually find it ridiculous, but then again, who is right and who is wrong, there is not really a direct answer. i was surprised because huiping actually thought of breaking up with GG before. but she is still quite 不舍得 so never. and she even thought of giving up her circle of friends just for GG and that i find it absolutely ridiculous. sighs. LOVE IS BLIND. lucky huiping is waking up. talking about GG, i really find him to be NOT A MAN. he is so PETTY for not allowing huiping to treat us nicely, saying that he doesnt feel special. hello, how special do you want to be when huiping spends like 90% of her free time with you? idiot. oo and me, being a woman is also petty, so i will never forget your 臭脸. LIKE WHO ARE YOU TO SHOW ME THAT FACE? and it is common courtesy to acknowledge your girlfriend's friend's presence NICELY. asshole. and because i am PETTY like you, i will glare at you the next time i see you :) and GG is SUPERFICIAL. after getting with huiping for around 6months, he actually started criticizing huiping's physical appearance? absurd. her physical appearance totally did not change before you got together with her. so why are you complaining about it now? just dont like her in the first place la. JERK. phew, so happy to let out all the vengeance here. :D

this semester, apple and huiying went for exchange... I MISS THE BOTH OF THEM!! especially apple. huiying not as much (though i feel bad for that) cos dun really see that often also. but i miss apple!! cos she is my crazy sister.. its very difficult to find a friend who has 99% same frequency as you and she is one :D although she is born later than me, she felt like an elder sister to me, and at times i will be her elder sister. its the way we take care of each other that makes me treasure her that much i guess. cos this semester dun really have anyone whom i can depend on that much as compared to apple. and without huiying, i think we wont be having any ah lian outings/k sessions. because this time round, i really want to keep my ground firm, and NOT ORGANIZE anything. previously i complained to huiying and then afterwards she took the initiative to organize. now that she is on exchange, no one will organize already because the rest are JUST LAZY BUMS. it is ok, cos im still thinking whether i should be their "good" friend too, because its so tiring to be one. yah because every time im with them, i spend most of the time, finding myself...

its slow and lag. but i m going to try recalling last semester :) last sem i took 3 accounting modules with jean, apple and sokmui and we did all 3 accounting group work together :D jean as usual, super disciplined and hardworking. apple is more of last minute but still produce quality work, i am more of the constant type, do bit by bit with little quantity but got high (hopefully) quality :D sokmui, my new friend, likes to finish things very early so that she can sleep hahaha, and she is always the first to send her parts over. the 4 of us, no one is a leader or anything, but we work very well together, because every one of us will help each other out and look through everything :) maybe that was one of the main reasons i liked accounting modules last semester ^^ if only accounting modules' group work were less heavy, i think we will have more fun doing them. cos there will be more time to talk cock :D before jean drags us back to work. hahahaha!

as for nvac, im getting used to the procedures already, so feeling much better and not as irritated with stuff :D but still i cant wait for october to come and hand down. then i can happily wait for my korea exchange in 2012 :D

korea! korea!
big bang concert 2012! must know how to buy the ticket first.
oo and talking about big bang! hahaha.
i found a lot of khaki like kiamian through facebook, and indirectly influencing other people to become VIP too! hahaha. i am such a good commission-less promoter! :D :D
and next sem, i am going to take korean language module with kiamian too!! hahahah! damn cool can!
oo i am looking forward to next semester :D and of course the end of 2011 :D

20101005

有些心事只能自言自语，有些秘密只能讲给朋友，有些痛苦只能默默承受，自己还是要靠自己拯救。真正的痛苦，没有人能与你分担，你只能把它从一个肩头，换到你的另一个肩头。

我尽可能不去缅怀往事，因为来时的路不可能回头。我当心的去爱别人，因为比较不会泛滥。我爱哭的时候便哭，想笑的时候便笑，只要这一切出于自然。我不求深刻，只求简单。

很多事，我们只能慢慢才知道 ------ 太在乎别人了往往会伤害自己；对自己好的人会随着时间的流逝越来越少；很多东西是可遇而不可求的，很多东西只能拥有一次；真心对一个人好不一定有回报，而你忽略的人往往可能是最重视你的。------- 慢慢才知道，原来现实如此的无奈；慢慢才知道，自己真的长大了。

20100929

現在生病的感覺好像那時在黃城拼搏的時候⋯⋯
可是那個時候的自己很傻，因為明明病到很辛苦，卻沒有辦法放下在黃城的責任
慶幸的是，現在的我沒有甚麼責任，所以可以好好休息
現在回想起來，以前的我真的好傻⋯⋯
為了那該死的責任，就死活都要去學校，哈哈
不知道那時有人心疼我嗎？就算只有一兩個，也會覺得很溫暖喔⋯⋯
也是為了那該死的責任，帶著矛盾的心情過了半年吧⋯⋯
那種徘徊在兩種極端心情邊緣的感覺，至今還是會讓人心寒呢⋯⋯

其實，那時的我最想做的事情是放下或是很瀟灑的宣布：”老娘不幹了“
我很想知道自己到底有多重要，可是我卻沒有這麼做。
只因那該死的責任⋯⋯

坦白講，我也不知道自己為何突然有那麼多的感觸，只是突然想到，覺得自己應該好好發泄一下
希望自己真的可以從陰影走出來，不想再被過去纏住了⋯⋯
我只想記得美好的回憶，卻找不到辦法將那些不好的遺忘掉，好矛盾⋯⋯

那天和huiping, tianzhu, chenee 分享彼此之間所喜歡過的人以及待人之道⋯⋯
她們說我喜歡的人一定很完美，因為我是完美主義者，可是現實和理想永遠都是不一樣的啊～
我才發現自己喜歡過的人，到頭來，都和自己想像的不同⋯⋯ 哈哈⋯⋯
而談過戀愛的 tianzhu, chenee 似乎對愛情抱有一個很消極的態度
她們好像一夜間變成熟女，大談自己的經驗⋯⋯
可憐的chenee，我們都知道她初戀的創傷很重，加油加油！
沒有那個爛人不要緊，你還有我們！
然後我們又討論到cassandra，我跟她們說，現在這樣的場面，是無法避免的
從去年的project後，我就知道和她不可能會回到從前了
如果一個人讓我哭過，不論是氣哭或其他，我都不可能再和那個人當很好的朋友
嚴重的話，就會像這樣，形同陌路。
眼淚應該是在流出來之後，幫我形成了一個很密的保護層吧，不會讓傷害過我的人再靠近
也許是因為怕信任多一次然後再失望多一次⋯⋯
tianzhu 說我很奇怪，因為生氣的時候，還是只用眼淚來發泄⋯⋯
她很了解我，因為當我以為每個人都覺得我在生氣時，只有她看得到我的眼淚⋯⋯
很奇妙，因為認識我幾個月的她，竟然看得到認識我幾年的人看不出來的東西
所以我也在想，也許我真的沒有生氣，只是太過失望了⋯⋯
但我不會表達，就讓大家覺得我在生氣好了，無所謂

時間不早了！病人要去睡覺了！

獨自漫步在無人的街，影子被路燈拉得好長好長
也將一個人的孤獨寂寞放得好大好大⋯⋯

20100924

im feeling so sick and tired

because everyone is waiting for something to happen,
but is not willing to be the one to make it happen...

this is so true, but it seems abit late for me to realise it only now..

20100915

2 months since i last blogged. record breaking again. lol.
work has ended! so happy i got out of that place. dont have good impression of the working systems there as well as all the stupid targets they have to hit. sales will never be a thing for me, i guess. yupps, so we wrote a card for romeo to thank him for all he have done for us this two months. then yifang, celina and me bought a separate thing for him, cos he was especially nice to the 3 of us. hahahaha. on the last day of work, the 3 of us met bryan for dinner, celina and me being the matchmakers, so we just sit there quiet quiet and let the main leads talk wahahaha. but well, our matchmaking succeeded! LOL. during the dinner, bryan told us something damn shocking about romeo too, he said romeo was divorced and had children! but he actually lost the custody of his children. then the 3 of us were totally stunned to the max. and from then on, our impression of him took a 180 degrees twist. yifang was totally scared of romeo. LOL.

then before school reopens, tried to meet up with many many people cos scared no time during the semester itself. sad. haha, which is quite true.

and the best thing that happened before school starts was that i managed to change my timetable! if not i will be stuck with someone i dislike, yucks. i rather be ALONE, not knowing anyone at all, than to be with people whom i dislike or "you-know-me, i-know-you" kind. yeps, so lucky i have jean and apple with me now. if not my current semester would be in a more pathetic state than it is now. ><

and the best thing that happened after school reopens would be to go HONGKONG! yongxin and i are the crazy people who will actually plan overseas trip during school term. lol. although the whole company of 7ppl (including myself), i only know yongxin, but i still had fun! cos yongxin's cousins are a fun bunch of people! envy her for getting such nice cousins.. my cousins are totally whatever. lalala, but hongkong was v good for shopping during the sale season. its 50% everywhere, as compared to the stingy 5-10% in singapore. ><

i turned 20 already! birthdays apparently are getting less exciting, but still something to look forward to every year. not for the presents, but for the excuse/reason to meet up with friends. and of course to feel loved. hahahaha! was super busy during that whole week cos so many people asking me out. yippee, not me asking people out. i feel damn unmotivated to organize outings etc already, cos im super sick of the feeling of being pangseh. anyway, i feel very sian cos i received presents that i confirm wont use one. and i thought people who know me should know that, but apparently they dont. so i just felt that they were very 敷衍. in this case, i actually prefer they just dont buy me anything, than to let me think they totally dont know me at all. but anyway, i gave them to tianzhu who will utilize them very well for me! heehee. better than leave them in the house to collect dust. ^^

yupps, so now is one month plus since school reopens. so far, i have been feeling quite stupid with almost all my modules. i dunno where my brain went. i probably left it in HK. sighs. and the thought of stupidity really hit me quite hard when i got pawned by the finance quiz. just felt damn irritated that i didnt know how to do it at that point of time. cos after that, i went to think about the questions and realize i should know how to do! *pissed* with myself. somehow, i think that setting the 4.0 cap for myself is very stressful for me now. it kinda created too much expectations from me on myself. but if dun have 4.0, then no second upper. >< and this is like the first time im actually feeling stressed in ?? years, even more than A levels, cos its like the LAST lap of study. and damn it, i hate that feeling. its so not myself. now im feeling that im studying like a machine more like a human. forcing myself to be disciplined etc. sighs. i need to make myself love the modules this semester more. BUT TAXATION IS SERIOUSLY TOO DRY!! argh. shall see how it goes.. hopefully my brain (or heart) will come back soon from dunno where. I NEED MORE MOTIVATION!!!

im also a bit regretful that i went to run for NVAC treasurer. didnt really regret that much one until i saw the current president. sighs. he just gives me the feeling that he is not v zai. and his instructions not very clear. i very gek that he actually forgot to confirm with me that there was a meeting on monday until that very day itself. and i knew about it, not because of his confirmation, but cos i met the ex vice-president who told me about it. sighs. shall see how. i cannot work under presidents who are not zai. if not i will just become quite rebellious. shit. shall not judge him so soon. see how when the workload comes in.....

in conclusion, school has not been good so far.... >< there is not even one module that i am confident of.... im so dead.. cap 4.0 how.......

20100714

work has been quite alright now.. shall try to keep one eye closed to many things. after all, only 2 weeks left of the contract only. so no point being so paranoid/bitchy/petty/whatever about things haha. should just keep the happy memories with me. and i hope i will suffer from short-term memory loss to forget all the unhappiness irregardless of whether its work or any other random things that happened. all i should remember of work are i have a very nice manager, i had a fun time working with my friends (but most probably wont want to work with them anymore) and i made many new friends too. :) shall forget about all those stupid politics etc hahaha. life would be much more relaxed that way..

anyway, some stuff happened this week too. not that this week is even half gone yet. hahaha. monday i went for tuition. haha anting gave me 30mins off cos she had nothing to ask me. lol she blamed herself for leaving her chemistry worksheet in school but her family is really ultra nice to me considering that i am just a tutor. monday was quite a sucky day cos i had headache for the whole day. dunno why also. but it was really torturing, cos i still have to make my 200 calls per day with the stupid headache. had to control myself from screaming at people.. and im totally very glad that my headache faded before my tuition! phew...
then i attempted to call kbox to make reservations.. the cine person pissed me off cos she didnt allow me to book in the morning and asked me to call back at night. and the worst was she told me the rooms are almost full. it totally didnt make sense! cos the rooms are almost full in the morning already and you want me to call back and book at night? so i had to change venue to AMK. zzz changing of venue was hectic too cos jeffrey was complaining it was too far. yah i understand that its far, but i would definitely appreciate it if you didnt whine to me about that if you realise how hard is it to find a date and time where everyone can be free. and just when everything was about to be confirmed and settled, huiying had to tell me she couldnt make it. so i just have to cancel everything, because i dunwan to face 3 stupid NS guys alone. i've decided not to go out with a bunch of NS guys alone anymore. cos im sick of NS talk!!!! all the terms that i couldnt understand.. I'VE HAD ENOUGH. and most importantly, i really want to have a outing where the 5 of us will be there and not missing anyone... and i felt so pissed off when i start getting questioned by hw why the outing was canceled. the tone of his sms was kinda crude, it was like i owe him a million dollars or something?
and thats not all, i felt even more angry when i saw hw posting photos of him going to Kbox at AMK with jinhao, leekoon and baona yesterday. and yes it was on the day that the 5 of us were supposed to go K. yay how wonderful. not that you guys cant go K with other ppl but please not on the day when you all were supposed to be going K with jeffrey, hy and me? somehow i felt that all my efforts taken to organize a K outing for the 5 of us were all washed down the drain. how nice. stupid fb messages that i put. stupid smses that i sent. stupid calls i made for reservations. and stupid websites i browsed to find suitable timing packages. yeah no one will appreciate. shall just take it as im too petty/paranoid/greedy to make myself feel better... its always easier to forgive myself anyway.
wednesday wasnt a much better day either. was organizing another outing for tianzhu, huiping and i. this date was supposed to be blocked out since last week. so tianzhu suggested K so off i went to try make reservations again... zzz. and after making calls to reserve and ensuring the prices and etc. huiping smsed to say that she is not free cos she have to go send her friend off.. YAY! HURRAY!

all of a sudden, i felt that my existence wasnt that important anymore... yeah i know its separate incidents, but then.. it will still come to me collectively. i shant organize anymore outings, they will all end up being failures anyway. no point, no point.

some things were never and will never be reciprocal...
but i think it took me quite long to understand that...

20100708

whee! so long ever since i blogged! one month plus. shall blog about FOC first, before i start on office.. lalala

FOC (21st - 24th June)
4 hectic days. but well, i made alot of new friends, and got to know some of my friends better too. cos afterall is 4 days of sticking together. aww. new friends mainly from programs, marketing and sponsors. hahaha. sponsors cos stay same room. programs cos i wholeday have to find them discuss this n that for the videos. they are like the directors of my video hahahaha. then marketing cos of asshole daidee. i know we gamble alot but well... we have nth to do... LOL.
overall, FOC quite fun la. at least it turned out to better than i thought despite all the ridiculous videos i had to do... staying up until 4am with eyes glued on computer wasnt fun. but at least i get to behave like a VIP cos of that so whatever. i can take occasional naps if i want, and i can choose to wake up later than everyone else :) hahaha! but i guess the most important takeaway was i got to learn about my own pub comm more... though not really alot of the good points..
huiqing: she is really responsible as a head of the comm.. workwise nth much that i can pick on. cos can tell that she did her best la. just that i realised her princess temper was kinda more serious than i thought it was.. so.. yupps.
sophia: just realised i couldnt really take much of her sarcasm.. or maybe i was too sensitive.. cos personally i feel that, if you cant do much to help, its either u give constructive comments or keep quiet, instead of saying that "i bet there are other ppl who can do faster or better than her (me)". no doubt that the comment is true. but you shouldnt be saying that to someone who is struggling to finish the damn video at 2,3am... and sadly, my memory is too good to forget that.. ><
grace: she is a v direct person so i kinda like talking to her. but i dont like it when she started talking to me about her boyfriend.. dunno why. cos i dun like people whose worlds evolve around their boyfriends. its like can tell that she gives in alot to her bf so much so that she feels v sad n depressed. if having a bf = losing yourself, i dunwan one. but at least grace is still doing her work n etc, which is GOOD :D
sighhs. so now i totally understand why some people are meant to be just acquaintances and not friends friends.

shall do office tmr. its almost time to sleep. lalala

20100528

是我變得太過獨立了嗎？
我好像忘了依賴人的感覺是甚麼了⋯⋯
忘了從甚麼時候開始，
我突然討厭那種很多事情都可以自己解決的感覺
因為不喜歡麻煩別人，不喜歡欠人家東西
怕自己沒有辦法報答
然後，就真的像小說里寫的那些小孩子
越獨立自主的，就越不會被關心
想表現好，得到大人的一些讚賞
到最後還是一場空
漸漸地就會變成一個很冷的人耶⋯⋯
說不定以後我真的會變成那樣⋯⋯
因為我常常有一種不被在乎的感覺

我不敢相信人⋯⋯
很多膚淺的東西，我很願意分享
但那些內心的感觸，我不知道可以告訴誰
因為我是一個很缺乏安全感的人
也是一個很膽小的人吧

好多事情看起來都太虛幻了
似乎隨時都會消失
我真的很怕那種消失後的失落感，
好空虛，好空虛⋯⋯
所以啊，我真的是一個很矛盾的人
很想抓住，卻沒有勇氣這麼做