接着呢？

（现在打几个字也觉得尴尬）

我过得 还好

偶尔 没有头绪
偶尔自问 到底要什么
偶尔自责 是不是过得蹉跎

目标是什么
什么要趁早

(按部就班地)活了20年
走了被设定的路
以为
在家玩乐
上幼儿园
上小学
上中学
跨越进大学
冲着毕业
赶着工作

噢
Now what?

有人说
要有梦想
要追梦
不要过朝九晚五的生活
不要浪费青春

可能他们在很早很早以前
已经发掘到 想过 计划过
他们要的是什么

我也想过 懊恼过
最后选择随波逐流
走一步算一步
总会 知道的

上了十多年的课
只是准备了我
得到这一份工作

现在得到了

那还剩下什么？

***

我埋没了思考
浇熄了热忱
多了 完成工作的责任

不是不开心
更不是很难过
不上 不下
才是最糟糕

New Chapter

More than one month ago
I was happily updating my travel blog about Thailand trip

One month ago
After first day of work
I was heavy-hearted to continue any further
Every one day as if a thousand years
I thought I would never finish the 'race'
It got on my nerves for around 2 weeks

Eventually
I started to relax
Got used to the long hours
As long as I can finish on time
My mood back home is as light as a feather (even my footsteps!)

Whatever it comes
I will have to face it
and get through it

That's life I guess

If I spend time worrying
I would miss out so much things
Not to mention I would go mad

The attitude and thinking that I used during the time of
extreme pressure:
Being serious but not to care
I do what I can do
but whatever the outcomes, negative comments or possible risks of getting into trouble
Just don't care

I had and I have no choice,
not knowing what's next,
but to keep going on

After evaluating and questioning myself
what else I can do?
what do I want to do?
I seriously DON'T  KNOW

It dawned on me today that

We find meanings in our lives

because without meaning

it's hard for us to keep going

We got something call self-awareness

we want to feel appreciated, motivated and happy

Life does not has a meaning,

in fact.

Look at other species in animal kingdom
they don't need meanings to live/ continue living their lives

my dog certainly does not care

Recently seeing elderly patients
and seeing their negativity
(though it was not my first time of hearing it)
saying they are old, useless and full of illness now,
just waiting to die
everyone must die
and they are ready for it

Is that so?

It hit on me that
when the next stage of life is death
when the next thing to look forward to is death
you are like sitting in a train
looking ahead where death comes nearer and nearer to you
so you sit there and do nothing
waiting for it to come

Maybe it should not be like that

It can be a void
the days after working for half of the life
(the emptiness is similar to the void after studying for more than 10 years)
not knowing what can be done
with the debilitated body

We just think too much and feel too much

The meaning of life is
the reasoning that we use to continue living
(happily or non-depressingly)

About love

Long time since I last blogged
For the update
snapshot of me giving relationship advice

Hahahah

If anyone asks me

Go or not to go for it

I will always say go

if it turns out good, then it's a success

if it turns out bad, then it's an experience

We regret what we DIDN'T do

so just do it

no matter what the outcome is

we can always learn from it

要幸福

要记得 某个人

捧着炽热的心

穿越人群

走向你

Recently

The voice that bothered me every night

has gone

The rhyme of the poetic words

has gone

I sleep soundly

(maybe not)

but it usually takes not more than 1 hour

to fall asleep

Routinely disciplined

I don't write so much anymore

but secretly tell you

I write more love poems

hahaha

No, I'll publish it when I'm too poor

and I need money out of it ;P

Off balance

If I'm here
then it's a bad news
(most of the time)

Having this feeling again
Something is off

Job satisfaction: low
Constantly
looking forward towards the next off day
and don't know what to do with the day

Don't feel like seeing anyone
nor staying in the room
doing I-don't-know-what-to-do

Low motivation to even watch a movie online

oh this is a feeling of 'stuck'
Stuck in this transition period
Stuck in figuring what I want to do

I've come to the point of
wanting-to-social-but-don't-want-to-see-anyone
and wanting-to-be-alone-but-do-nothing

This is the feeling of
I need some changes
Bright red light is flashing like crazy
warning me this is it

I've figured
one day after I fed up of working life
I would roam around Tibet
as if it just suits the feeling of
in the pursuit of true calling
the discovery of the soul

yeah
I knew I would get bored

while many were asking the reason of leaving
the question of
'are you feeling of not being challenged?'
Indeed
this is what it is all about

No challenge means no advancement
not challenging means no motivation
all in all, being stagnant

those who have stayed very long there,
I realized,
have one common trait
they themselves described it as
they are not ambitious
they accept what being given

Perhaps my appetite cannot be sated
just like that
Being hungry
thus go hunting

This trait makes me seem like
the young locals here
except that I can endure the unfavorable ones
longer

When I can't ignore my inner voices
then I change my environment

Move move

Perhaps I need to pick up some
color pencils, paint brushes or calligraphy pens

Oppression, Suppression.
Day, I lose my interest
Night, I lose my freedom

I need my freedom back
I need my momentum back

and I'm taking them back

Lesson learnt, act quick before it's too late

When you feel something amiss
you MUST be right

When you feel it's right
you may be wrong

Believe in your instinct

Moving My Updates

to https://tourasilive.wordpress.com/

I will still post some weird thought here though
;D Have fun people~

害怕什么

到了这个年纪

好像没什么事

会让人 

心惊胆跳

担心受怕得

辗转难眠 心跳加速

不再怕 上学

不再怕 没写完的功课

不再怕 考试

不再怕 面试

不再怕 演讲

不再怕 实践考试

不再怕 毕不了业

多的是 焦虑

将来的将来 要什么

不久的将来 要做什么

如今 应付不来的人事物

待人处事

生活作息

或许下一个怕的是

老 病 死

A journey to find the motivation and interests

I thought of why I stopped doing DIY stuffs:

After I moved from my old land house to the apartment, which was a tedious and exhausting task to do, I just don't want to have any decorative gifts nor soft toys anymore. They occupy space and space means $$$. Unless and until I have my own house, which won't be happening in the near future, so I just don't want to create then to throw things away anymore. 

Although I still find handicrafts interesting and meditative.

What I usually do in my free time now:

Read local (both locals- this country and the country across) and international news, articles on new tech, interesting studies, special population, finance, relationships and anything related to being an adult (oh new topic and an important one- retirement). On weekdays after work, I stay in the room after dinner. On weekends, usually will have something on, such as meet up with friends or simply stay in the room like now, trying to come up with something, contemplating what I should be doing, reflecting what I have done. I'm trying to arrange meetups with different people every weekends. However it seems I'm pretty occupied with many things going on.

Change of lifestyle, change of life, change of mind 

I figure out why it is so anxious for me to come up with something now. And by looking at the people around- the seller of the chicken rice stall, the uncles and aunties, I wonder do they have goals or dreams to achieve? Are they just going to live their lives like that, doing the same thing over and over again? Then I look at the people beside me, they are still young, why they don't seem to care and live without really have a plan? Then I reflect on myself, I feel so uneasy here because I know I can do more than this, I am more than this and I am going to do more than this. Knowledge and opening of the mind and of course attitude towards life or personality differentiate us. All the western news and articles- the stories of people succeeded at young age, the advice for people at 20s or 25s or their younger selves, are telling me there must be something to be done. With knowledge comes responsibilities. The responsibilities for my future self, the responsibilities to contribute. 

"It is a matter of choice- you choose what you want to sacrifice."

From the conversation with a friend of mine who has been living in this city for 6 years. He got a job and currently attending night school for a degree and joining online courses on the weekends. It seems tiring to me, but as he put it 'That is his interest'. 

Having interest in many subjects but motivate to do none

is the main problem. I like to read but not all the time, all the books and all the reading material and can't even finish a book because I lose interest so quickly after flipping 5 pages; I can write but not so outstanding, and I know in order to write at the author level, in the first place I have to read A LOT. Thus, it is back to square one. 

I think the study on social relationship, psychology and anthropology are very cool, but I don't really understand very well what they are really doing and I don't see it as a career actually. (As it is more of extra knowledge that can excite me but not something I want to pursue as in I want to go to study (it takes time, money and energy O.O!!! )

I also think engineering, programming, architecture and any other fields that CREATE things are life-changing. How I wish I can design and produce things that I want to make my life easier and better but very individual-specific, say I need a ring that I can change to size to fit my every fingers according to my mood of the day LOL (How much is a 3D printer by the way?). Or I want a program that make me invisible online (privacy and online security are what I really concern). And I want to have pretty cool house that I design myself. 

Too many things you see. I need a lot of lives, but I only have one.

I can't do it all, I just have to focus on one (or maybe two) and I am having problem of deciding which. 

After schooling, I realize I have to make my own schedule and curriculum to discipline myself to follow. No more new semester nor semester breaks. Everyday is pretty much the same. This is why I need to break the days into small parts so it won't feel so long and to make myself have something to look forward to. 

Alright, here's the plan:

Furthering studies - will be after 5 years, due to financial and the complicated process.

Finding something lite to learn in the meanwhile- please come up with something fast fast fast

Maybe something local- courses at somewhere nearby

Within this 5 years:

Accumulate skills and experience, the best is can have a specialization

Personal goal:

Learn to spend on myself- It is said that if you don't have the habit, later on you will only willing to spend on your family and losing yourself- which is true and this is what my mum is doing.

I don't really have a plan for this, as I spend randomly. I wonder if I have to set aside some money for this and restrict myself on something else.

That's all for now. To be review soon!

How to cheer myself up

Step

1. Dress up in the morning

2. Eat an icecream in the afternoon

3. Do an impulsive act which you have been thinking about in the evening

Violà 

Saved another day

I have to think and change another strategy for tomorrow LOL

The time will come

So my very cute friend sent me this
I'm reminding myself to breathe
in and out
slowly

I have to admit for my stubbornness
once I put my mind on something
I will get what I want
I won't stop until I get it
For instances, I wanted to perm my hair
in one of my semester break
so just a few days before the school reopened
I booked an appointment at a salon
and got my hair done a few days later
My mum commented, 'Once you set your mind
You must have it. I know it,' when I asked her
whether I should do it

and now,
I asked for her opinion
She said,
'If it fails,
just go back home
and try again.'

Alright,
I think I'm gonna cry if I continue to recall this
(and it will shock my roomie XD)

The purpose of writing this is

due to this article

At this age
I feel it's another stage of life
of confusion
turning into adulthood

"Bad decisions make good stories"
This keep replaying in my head

This will be the first obstacle I face
in my young adulthood

Rock 'n roll

***

De Goal
This is the tough one

I'm going to make it general

To be able to work with flexibility

Some people choose to work as hard as they can

while they are young

then they retire early and enjoy later on

I'm more inclined to work harder first

and continue to work less harder on something else in my old days

Total idle is pretty scary to me

I have to do something

as to give my days to be more meaningful

even if I'm old

Work flexibility in terms of

time and location

To be able to do that

I have to have the capability

to choose

instead of to be chosen

Ask yourself why you want your goals
That is how I will live

I don't want to regret

I don't want myself to blame me

later on

If my life is miserable by then

***

I don't know if this is work

tsk

Stay strong

and keep moving on!

湖园里 石凳上

风吹起了涟漪

湖面不再

平息

风

吹不皱我的思绪

反而抚平了心烦

Do something

After all the worries, insecurity,
instability and struggles
It feels like a long break now
A time to stop and think

Something went across my mind
It seems that many things I want to do
(again, just like the past,
after a semester year,
a new year resolution)

Time to add value to myself
This is the time
of taking the full control
Something has to be done
I should do something

Fight the resistance
and laziness

Do something
small
For something
Big

It's now or never











I need to do something

***

It's not a good feeling
when I know I can do so much
but I do so less

It's funny that
usually human are afraid of changes
but I'm afraid of
not changing

Being stagnant
brings a sense of guilt
at the same time
a little joy of doing nothing

Always have a feeling of
not enough time left
I have to go somewhere
somewhere I feel I belong
or maybe I will never find that place
I go one place to another
Searching for something
feels right


Settle down.
I'm very anxious about it

Be awesome I promise

Meeting awesome people

makes me want to be one

Resolution for this year 

Hold my ground

Say no when it's not of

my convenience 

Stop complying with

Everything

Once in awhile

Got knock on the head

It's time to stand up

for myself

Not just 

Go with the flow

Learn that.

I don't have to agree on

anything

and everything

Out of courtesy

Speak of your mind

It's good to 

get out and see 

people from outside

of my small world

I've been blind-folding myself
as I found out
this is the real world
Idealistic doesn't apply here
Get down to the ground
and get my hands 'dirty'

Working life is difficult
already
Why make life harder?
So I ignore
So I forget

Being in the environment
for too long
I lose myself,
the essence of the product
after 4 years of studies

Just follow
the habits
Fit into
the culture

"Remember your role"
in order not to get lost
Yeah
I think I heard that before,
before I left
the place I feel
so secure
with all the support
and guidance

Now today,
in contact with
the persons who have
the similar background
Watching them
talked with all the concrete knowledge
inside their head
Wowed me

So they did exist
I just forgot
and I just didn't get the chance
meeting them
but I finally did

and so,
the fire inside me
somehow rekindles

I'll work something on it
I'll work it out
For myself
To do something that are
correct
and feasible
The things I know
how they should be
correctly done.