They say

It's always said that

You need to know what you want

in order to have

a long-lasting relationship

It holds true

so to

gracefully smile at

the doubts and disagreement 

people around you

throwing at you

It's not that 

Love is too weak 

nor it's not true

Just you are too weak

To know what is true

For you

They say,

don't love too much

They say,

let him wait

The best storyline

is this and that

But you don't fit

into the ideal

Love story

thus you fail

for a happy ending

'Awww!'

That's kinda expected

Then,

once again (and again)

You are given the chance

for a play in a perfect love story

that everyone and anyone

would approve

and play a role

who is being the winner

of loving less

But,

you love anyway

for all you have left

in you

You close your eyes

expecting all the prophecies

to come true

Finally,

you realize

It's not about

what you do

but to who

you do it

***

One doesn't need

A boy or girlfriend

One just wants

To love,

and to be loved 

Not a bad life

冷漠的冰

一碰到温暖的话语

融化所有委屈

抑制不住地

流淌

密封的情绪

眼皮之间

从缝隙

倾泄

吸

呼

听说

扬起嘴角

骗得过

大脑

感觉开心

如果冰淇淋

还是甜的

那我还感受到

甜蜜

还能

感受到

生活中的

甘甜

刚刚好 六十一天

八点三十七分

距离我下班时间

一小时三十七分钟

上班时间

九小时五十二分钟

出门时间

十一小时零七分钟

饿了肚子

八个小时

头痛了

一小时

直到现在

想爆粗口的气力

都没

虽然我也不骂

脑海闪过

原来上班疲乏

是真的

如果工作容易

谁要花钱请人

也是千真万确

脑压太大

就此搁笔

Me

No longer call myself a blogger

Bloggers nowadays

are those who call themselves that

as they post about advertisements 

Then there's a facebook post

I came across

as the reasoning/explanation/defense of 

why they

posting trivial things on

their walls

is because

one day when they're old

they would recall

what happened in their lives

(as if scrolling down the timeline

over so many postsssssss

of triviality

is a very fun and relaxing thing

to do when they're old)

Hey that's actually the reason why

I'm keeping this blog

There was a very funny old man

telling us the acronyms 

like diary-

Darling I always remember you

(and from A to Z-

Always be careful...

bank and country names

he could recite all of them

on the tips of his fingers

He said they were for the autograph book

thus I teased him he must have written those

to his wife

Many of them are flirtatious confessions LOL )

Anyway,

the main point just now

was the diary

Electronic diary

doesn't seem very reliable

there were experts saying

the internet network

someday would collapse

Since I don't wish

to let all of these

stay longer than my dead body

thus I have no wish

to engrave all the words

on any stone walls

Anyway

if I appear here

it just means one thing-

I have disruption

of normal mental activity

and neural firing of

excitation system for

good and stable

mood 

Something misleading

There's a saying that 

If you love what you're doing 

You'll wake up everyday 

Happy and full of energy

Crap.

No matter how much

you love your job

Tired is still tired

Unless it's a part time

Work is still work

Energy being used up

meaning you're really working

Just don't tell me

I'm happy to get out of my bed

Never.

Update on Beginning of new life and Ending of the year

It has been awhile
I had been busy
worrying, idling and
fed up,
wanting to get away
and start something new

And then,
I had been busy
worrying for every pennies spent
worrying for the pass to come
the procedures of all sorts of
policies and protocols
getting used with the attitudes of the people here
surprised by
all those Chinese accents I heard
all those Caucasian and Asian faces
around
adapting the cultural differences
the no-mamak-stalls
and not-spicy-at-all curry here
with all my craving for cheap desserts

Still correcting myself
saying dollar instead of ringgit;
using malay rojak to talk

Still getting use of
using one dollar coins
instead of notes
and to differentiate
all the coins with
the same size

Still adapting
in the real working world
this is where
the only subject learnt matters
is code of ethic
You're free to do whatever
you know or not know how to do
without any supervision
or common ground of knowledge
and school of thoughts

To struggle or to ignore
the conflicts of practice

Encountering many new questions
with no definite answers
unlike during schooldays
you know what your supervisors or
lecturers have in mind
what are the answers to the questions
or at least they have the answers if
you have no clue at all

Without knowing what is right
what is wrong
or worse,
knowing what is right
but doing it wrong
making me feeling
to go back school again

Yes being free is good
without being picked
on every single details
of mistakes that you have made
No reflections to make
No critics and hurtful comments
At the same time
no guidance

This is why
we were told that
professional support is important
when we are the free birds with
no direction

Anyway,
things that seemed bad
doesn't feel so bad after all
Just like in the train full of
people after work
It sounded so dreadful
and what a dull life
just by thinking about it
Somehow
I even felt so high in the train
and started laughing in my heart
(don't know why but that day I was
kinda hyper without any reason)
Not so bad, not so bad
Maybe it's the feeling of
finishing work and going back home
Maybe I'm already used to it
and it's a bit crazy and funny

There were days
I would just see everything
with indifference
Nothing matters very much
Just that the time to put my mind in blank
is not enough
Most of the time I would be
walking from one place to another
to take the transportation
while in the vehicle itself
I don't have enough time
to contemplate
otherwise I might miss the stop

Short term goal or anticipation
is something that is lacking
Waiting for the end of the month
for the salary not really excites me
I am still living a decent life
with minimal spending anyway
(occasionally overspent and now still in debts)
Waiting for the next holiday seems far
Unlike school year
with sem break, midsem break and all

Waiting for something to change
at the same time don't feel like changing anything
Being slothful like an underage senior citizen
Get tired easily
but still want to chill
until midnight
although lack of sleep
and feeling sleepy
Personal time, the time after work
is always short and fast
too precious to use it for sleeping
Never have enough
Constantly want to stay in bed
do nothing
say nothing
Like those pathetic fellas you see in those
mockery videos about modern life
 but anyway we don't feel so lifeless
 in this shoe
 We secretly like it perhaps
 and nothing feel so wrong about it

The only thing that is very interesting after all
is all the souls we see everyday
Interesting people with all sorts of personalities
and stories
This is why I think
and I thought
I won't be so bored
and demotivated
when I was asked
would I like this job
Is this the correct path

Back to the fundamental
of life
Breathing and to be able to live
is a privilege
not something taken for granted

Security, food, shelter and so on
The things that measure quality of life
in those checklist for some kind of world organisation
I have it all
The basic to live
What else can I complain more?

In fact I am grateful
It is empty
but not so empty
just invisible blessing

This is the point when I realize
I've grown a lot
changed vastly compared to
the beginning of the year

It is called
maturity
I guess =)

The only time Greed is good

They call it with a term-
inquisitive
an attitude that was advocated
in Renaissance
for the quest of knowledge

I had wished
to spend my life
learning all sorts of things
something like
studying in the University
changing from course to course
because there're so many
interesting subjects out there

Everything is so interesting

but I have yet the ability to do so
not to mention the limited time and
financial resources

Anyway,
when it's time
I will follow
my inner callings
when everything is at
the right place

This is one of the topic
I had discussed with my friend
who I could spend
6 hours to talk non-stop
with her

It's just plain difficult
for me to convey my ideas
in words these days
thus
this blog is being
neglected

The thing I suggested to her was
doing something in a small step
and setting the goal
just a little bit higher than your ability
(In fact being in the industry
of therapy has taught me so many things
including this technique called scaffolding
which pretty much helps me in life as well)

For instance,
I want to travel solo overseas (the end-goal)
so I start with travel alone
in my neighborhood
then I take flights locally
and then to nearby countries
with friends
then take the flight alone
and meeting friends there
finally completely on my own

(Note: after all these
and before I reach my goal
of travelling solo
I feel it's pretty boring
and meaningless
for not being able to share
what's so great during the travel
with an actual person beside you
Most importantly
you need someone to hold the camera
for you!
hahahahahha)

Ok,
next up-
surround myself with
crazy people
(they called it inspiring people)
to get something done

It was this one day
it dawned on me that
I'm young no more
I need to do something before
turning 30
and that something is to travel

Not that kind of travel-traveling
but staying at a place for about
one month
and live like a local
get know some people

The problem is
travelers these days
are really young

I don't want to have
so much gap
(laugh)
as it's pretty awkward to me
hahahahahah

so ideally
travel with a person
(maximum with 3 persons,
that is the best number
from my observation and experience)
who is totally different from you
and challenge you
to do something new
and out of routine
=] cheers

裂痕

一旦有了裂痕

就一刀剪掉

不然只会

越来越深

就像

指甲

Worthy

How could I tell

whether it is

Or it is not

Can't be weighed

Can't put a scale on it

Can't decide yes or no

Does it even matter

(as)

I'm all in it

Story plots

And so, after all the storms and struggles
in my heart, in my mind,
it's time to do something
practical 
as always
for my holiday

Time to learn
and for upgrades

***

Story plots in conversations
1. challenge plot (you overcame an obstacle to get to where you are);

2. creativity plot (you decided not to follow a traditional path); 

3. connection plot (you did something similar to the person asking).

灰

就在灯泡失灵的时候

就在下过一场大雨之后

就如我心里的灰

不想说丧气的话

对此刻心情

肯定是落井下石

但还是想说

半个月了

活得太废

无形的桎梏

套牢

我不能

漫无目的地

呆着

尤其是在

一寸光阴

一桶金

的情况下

亮不起来的灯

渗入骨里的冻

就这样躺着

很久

很久

该想些什么

才对？

I'm not an author nor a writer

Learning to write

is just like learning to speak

before writing or speaking

you need to read or comprehend

enough

I no longer read

those flowery descriptions

and bombastic words

so I can no longer write

*having learnt to speed-read
causing me unable to read in depth
so instead I have to read aloud
to prevent the lazy-reading-eye problem*

It has dawned on me that

writing is not something

I would make a living with

Although sitting by the lake house

with the typewriter 

for a few months

sounds pretty cool

I'm too lazy to write

too much to express

until at one point

nothing comes out

The dilemma is that

it's too much for texting 

it's too fast for talking

so I write short

so I say less

The comparison list

Food (and drinks) that I miss the most
In China
1. 煎饺 （咬不得）
2. Ice creams in convenient shops


In Malaysia
1. Teh tarik ( 奶茶was awful and expensive)
2. Rice ( I usually had dumplings, dishes without rice or just noodles there)


Things that I feel are cheaper here
1. McD & KFC (lowest 30 to 40 yuans per set meal)
2. Starbucks (35 yuans minimum)



I feel really glad there are...
1. international brands that I could choose what to buy in the grocery stores

Screw and screwdriver

A story about

the importance of timing

Finding a screw on the floor

I checked my laptop

It fitted

Sadly I didn't have a screwdriver

So I thought I would get it later

Day after day

finally I recalled about it

and took the screwdriver back

By the time

I lost the screw

It's still not fixed

until now

Found this animation

Coincidences kept happening today

Void and permanent

After too many times of
packing and unpacking
After too much time of
being rushing here and there

I long for void
and a place
I can put all my things
permanently
without having to think hard
where was the last place I put them

After travelling from place to place
being a nomad is a very strange
and pathetic way of life
to me

I just want to stay
at a place
to have a real rest
not having any anxiety
what to do next

It seems like an idea
of an old lady

浪迹天涯多了
只想从此靠岸

然 或许
待久了
去冒险漂泊的心
又会蠢蠢欲动

但只要在
心里知道
有一个依靠
的前提下
才不会觉得迷茫

Values in me

Excerpt from a conversation

About my flaws

I accept that I can't be anyone else, those who are richer, who are prettier or whatever better

I know what I am good with 

and I continue to discover what I can do- my potentials

Try to see the good in you

and what you are weak at

Try to fix it but it takes time

Or don't try at all

Cause it never has to be fixed

Be good to yourself 

You don't need to be so harsh

to yourself 

“我会努力成为你未来见到会后悔没有珍惜的人"

大概就是这个意思。

Cultural resistance

我们来这里不是学

中国文化

而是西方文化

我实在再赞同不过

Not my thing is

not my thing

It's a way of life

Sing me lullabies

You were right

all along

How much I hate to

admit it

How could we be

Lovers

when we couldn't even be

Friends

All the chains are now

Broken

Setting me

Free

There're no

Regrets

There's long way

Ahead

I'll find him

Singing me

lullabies

执着

*其实这才是我要写的文章
上一篇
不小心打了出来
只好挪新的一篇出来*

听了他的解释
豁然开朗
是心里的一部分
不想相信
他是个无情无义的坏人

你这样说
我这样信
上一次是这样
这样亦是
他说 上一次说得很心虚
可能我不了解他
也可能他演技太好
但还是上面的那一句

我相信我想相信的事
那会让我好过许多

是我太感触了
也过于敏感
纠结 然后继续纠结
不管我的事
但 在我眼前
晃来晃去
真的很受不了

我不能忍受
说一套做一套
也不喜欢 眼睁睁看着
却无能为力

纠结得 觉得自己怎么了
或许承认了
我就不会咬着不放了
因为人都心口不一
而我
却单纯得相信言语
所以不能接受
很想痛骂
你不是那样说的么
为什么却这么做

但我不可以
想喊一声
真受不了
也要咽下肚子去

It's not that I want to be
judgmental
but your actions need to be consistent
with your words
I only can accept one truth
and I can't stand any ambiguity

From this
I realised I'm not that kind of person
that can wait
and lie to myself
for a very long time
It's me
to open up
and force the other party
to choose between
A or B
I don't like grey areas
To live or to die
I don't want to be in the middle

Perhaps this is why
things never turned out well
short-lived and the regrets
linger on

He's right on something
Two-way communication is important
but with the conditions
vicinity and willingness to share

这件事让我明白一件事
要找能无所不谈的人
不容易

我不能评论什么
只希望从中学习

也让我放下了
很多

毕业之旅

对于这趟旅游
从开始的筹划 都是挺随便的
随便的坏处是
能排美美的行程
吃该吃的must eat
但都无所谓
因为 烦恼少
只是在中途
换了很多临时的节目

最懊恼的还是
忘了自备 浮潜道具
还有 手机防水套

但这一次旅行
拍照不多
一来 眼见的跟照片
相差太远
怎么拍都拍不出
亲眼所见
二来
时间紧迫
还是好好把握时机
享受当下

这一次的成就是
浮潜终于看到鱼和珊瑚了
可能上一次水没那么清澈
鱼类不多 加上没戴眼镜

虽然代价是背后和颈项
晒伤了
但都值得了

这座城市给我的感觉是
干净整齐
绿色平正的草
一排排的树
超靠近海
却没有围墙的
沿海公路
发展却不杂乱
很舒服

可惜的是
没时间
沿着海边散步
也错过了一片泥沼湿地 (wetland)

只能安慰自己说
我还会回来的

整个旅途
想的是
一大伙人出游
是一种不一样的感觉
是难得的景象

可以租一间单位
可以塞满一辆车
和快坐满一艘船
七嘴八舌 说有的没的

六天五夜
看似长
却过得快

总算有个真正的离别
明确的句点

如果要我原谅

那谁来体谅我

二十三

每一个人都会问的标准话题

每一次都会说的标准台词

最近看了一篇文章

我们急着上课

急着上班

急着结婚

急着生子

想想自己还真的

急着找工

一直觉得休息不够

但机会

是稍纵即逝的

就像

小孩子学习的能力

最好的时间

是有限的

人生不长

走着走着就走到了现在

很像是

好多人都在老年的时候

后悔按部就班地生活

但怎么就没看见

有人说当初的选择都是对的

一生无悔呢

可能是我不爱看励志书籍

还是满足的人 没时间

写这样的文章

其实我想写的重点是

二十出头的人们

感情 成了必经之烦恼

看看身边的人

都有个伴

有些人

幸福的 很幸福

有问题的有问题

分的分

单身的 很单身

哈哈哈

不懂这话题 要说多久

下一个话题

结婚 恐怕更烦人吧

连我的教授都循循善诱地说

别拼命工作

而忽略感情生活

在我跟她讨教关于事业的课题的时候

问我最近看了几本书

我还会比较惭愧

关于这话题

还真没什么好说的呢

无可否认的是

成也萧何 败也萧何

时间和距离

正是所谓缘分？

那么复杂的方程式

我一点都不想 费脑力去计算

也不在掌控之中

只能 乘这艘船

享受着 一起一伏

宅

终于明白 那个感觉

宅在家

不想出门

慵懒呆在家

也没做什么

不想做什么

聚会都不去了

只想

默默离开

问说

大学朋友

放假后 就没话说了么

很像是这样吧？

像中学的也一样

如果平常的话题是

课业

那毕业后

就没什么聊

如果是兴趣和生活

无论多久

还是会无所不聊的

只是

现在都懒得

找人聊天

能一直睡的话

我真想

睡很久很久

Leaving

I'm leaving so soon that
I don't know if unpacking is
necessary

那又何必问

如果说我生气

你就会回头么？

见或不见

已经不重要了

离开的时候

我以为我会不舍会落泪
或许是不够睡
搞得心情好不起来
还是真的是因为

太感性的人
开始时 什么都在乎
到最后
什么都不在乎
发现别人跟你不一样
以后

冷漠地说再见
是长大了经历多了
离别变得
容易了？

是我迁就了
退让了
背着直觉
背着意愿
所以不高兴了

是我觉得
被忽略了
被嫌弃了
所以不想靠近了

真的是太敏感
想太多了

一个人
提着行李
走着走着
脑子里满满负能量
差点就哭出来

心情跟行李一样重
回家的路程
好久好远
从出门到回到家
共花了9个小时
单单巴士路程就用了
6小时

我想最可悲的是
连自我怜悯的资格都没有吧
比上不足比下有余

感觉上气不接下气
一年来忙忙碌碌
当所有事情
尘埃落定
依然很多繁琐事要处理
要收拾搬家
然后烦恼找工
找到工烦恼找地方住
旅行忙着安排行程
开工以后忙重新学习

我也只有这两个星期
可以好好颓废
睡醒吃 吃饱睡

之前想去的地方
都没去成
回到来
也不想出门
感觉越来越跟着
人生该走的路程走

最近一个朋友
反复说了一句话
为了安定自己
也用来开导我

走哪一条路
都没有对错
坚持下去
走着走着
就开花了

共勉之。

***

最后一篇文
放进“大学记事”了

By the way
the group travelling before this
I didn't mess it up
My mood had lighten up eventually
but it ended up
rushing here and there

The house is superb
the environment is relaxing
but we just didn't have time
to sit and chill around
or even have a real talk
maybe they're just not that kind of people

Actually I just want to
spend my lovely evening laying on
the hammock
haha

***

就像预期中的
没有毕业合照
没有好好的道别
因为
大家都忙大家的
不像以前matric
在同一天
各自分飞
不舍的感觉特强烈

但到了这个年代
什么都变得
廉价
It took me so long
to find a decent card
not for birthday
People these days
don't give nor keep cards

想想
这么多照片
放出来晒晒
之后就被遗忘了

但毕竟是毕业照
我还是觉得
有遗憾

About being alone

If you tell me

Traveling alone is

much harder than traveling in a group

I don't see how

Satisfying every single needs

and arguing to reach consensus are easy

I would rather get lost at the unknown places

and enjoy the moments of getting lost

Instead of

Being anxious

and blaming others for not

planning well

More importantly

I don't see why

Chilling at the hotel

enjoying the evening

Relaxing

is a wrong thing to do

or they call it time wasting

Vacation to them

is full of fun activities

If there is break time

Then the journey is not well planned

The whole vacation is 

Meaningless

So, you tell me

Traveling alone is boring?

看法

当我们越在意别人对自己的看法

到最后只会 自己也认不清自己

～ 《我是谁》 骇客电影

***
一直太在意的我
往往输得很惨

流浪的星

倘若今夜

你看见流星

那是我

划过天际

撒下 点点烟火

All the public transports

I didn't drive

The monorail, bus,

mrt and other trains

Nor fly the planes

So I shouldn't say 

I'm tired

But I'm really exhausted

How could airports

were built so huge

It took me half an hour

of walking with a fast pace 

to leave there

I'm regretting for skipping 

all the meals

Which making me have gastric now

Appetite is a bastard

It never synchronizes with hunger

Smile

After the interview

while walking to the door

"You should smile more."

Surprised,

Turned around but still reaching for the door knob

"I know I have the face when I don't smile."

"No, you look good with your smile."

"Thank you."

Went out and closed the door 

'What had just happened?'

*** 

The next interview

I was emotional

Thinking back,

It was really embarrassing

Speaking of what I really want

My indecisiveness certainly kills me

I couldn't think straight at the moment

After spending hours and hours of thinking

I think the only answer will be

To help people in need

The issue is

With the limited choices available

I might not even have choices

Okay

I shall focus on the fact that

I was flattered

Resting B face

The strangers think you're angry

Your friends think it's just you

And there're times when

the strangers are right

Then you can't do anything other than

warn them to bug off

People can be so blind

in the other way round

关卡

噢 好久没上这里
写写了
（转移阵地鸟）

而且
网络是很好的窥探器
打的每句每字
以后恐变成呈堂证供
（疑心病犯）

而且我变得低调
很多很多很多
是不？
哈哈哈

长大许多

稳重也沉重
（体重的重）
回顾从前的照片
怎么不记得我有这么好看的时候？

浪费了
都没钓到什么好货
哈哈哈


往者不可谏呐呐呐
就甭跟我提起了
反正我记忆不好
挥霍的光阴/青春/之类的
就忘了吧
哈哈哈哈哈
（好high，疯了哈哈哈）

噢 重点
我还是活得好好的

抱怨的事不说太多
烦恼的事绝口不提
免得触景伤身

对了
快一个多月
都睡不好了吧

没觉得啥压力
（其实真的觉得窒息快死）
但身体就不停发出警告的信息
真的活得挺糟糕的说

不重要
会熬过去的
就差一关

考完后
真的挺失落的
期望太高还是真的太差
不知道

但这一次
很担心

考的前天
打电话教我麻帮我拜拜
结果被轰
自己努力一点啦
读多一点
用功一点
不懂的问朋友
好好看题目
不要写错答案
（试着解释
结果得到的回应是
“我不知道啦
我都没读过大学
不懂你是怎么考的”）
LOL

汗颜'''
我就是这样被养大的
从不会是甜言蜜语
哈哈哈

所以也就算啦
反正我也只是说说而已
哈

然后隔天
一个未接来电

问我说考得怎样
在终于明白
这次不过
恐怕得延迟毕业后
才知道事情的严重性
哈哈哈哈

最让我笑不停的是
原来隔天早上
她就去拜了两个庙
还是第一次求神保佑我
如果过了会带我回去
答谢诸神

那时候我真的笑不停了
（她形容得真的很搞笑)
我也希望可以回去答谢诸神
阿弥陀佛

要怎么说
有这么奇怪又可爱的老麻
是挺感动的

等我毕业
再说一个她搞笑的事
嘻嘻

Not again: Panic attack

It's like

Why on earth I land here again

I've landed here before

At the same point of life

Standing before the

It's-your-decision-for-the-rest-of-your-life

After you took the steps

You grew more confident and convinced that

you're on the right path

Then at the end of the road

Noises lingering

You look forward

Don't really can see through the mist

Confused

Looking back

and think

Is this it?

Doubts crawling over

like ants that never get tired of

searching for I-don't-know-what-they're-searching-for

Insecurity.

There're people saying how satisfying it's

There're people saying how boring it's 

but they're not you

You may not feel the same if you're there

Your path will never be the same

Nor you want your path to be any similar

You just want to create your own glamour story that never owned by anyone before

It's not arrogant

It's dignity

You thought

The story will be ended with

Happily ever after without worries

Then to be truthful

If everyday is a happy day

Soon you will grow bored of being happy

The brain is so hard to entertain isn't it

What I want to point out after this long winded pointless mumble is

Perhaps what they say about

Study life is the best life

is true

Dialogue in the dark

It has been quite awhile
I didn't write

Actually I wanted to write about
the other day I went to
"Dialogue in the dark"
A tour in total darkness
leaded by a blind staff there

It was quite an experience
Though I knew the place
but never got the initiative to go
until it was included in a workshop

I was quite comfortable in the dark
I don't know if it's due to
the belief that they won't really put
harmful, scary thingy
in there
yet, another reason maybe due to
I usually adapt quite well
at night without the light in the room
and I got really lazy eyes
which makes me less observant

The thing is that
(the important point I want to make
out of this experience is that)
All of us
were surprised our tour guide
is actually total blind

I remember there was a TV show
'The Survivor'
(A show that I really liked last time)
The night camera was infrared kind of thing
So I thought maybe the staff was using that
Another thing is that
she could actually asked us to move to the
right or left so that we could stand in a line facing her

At the end of the tour
she asked us what did we think on how she could guide us
through the tour

She's an undergrad student
going to graduate soon

It wasn't a congenital blindness
Her story is
one day she woke up in the morning
finding what she saw was a total darkness
then she thought the light was off
but it wasn't

Glaucoma.
Since then she lives in a total darkness world

How did she cope with it
we asked
Indifferently she said
just like that

It's nothing that I could imagine about
losing senses
Like how I see my patients everytime

It's really really Really sad
to tell the truth

Depressed, frustrated and lose hope

There were cases of losing a career
due to hearing loss
There was a patient today
with a face so tensed
just like how I saw her the other day
The first thing she said when she entered the room was
"I'm totally deaf."
The caregiver said that
she couldn't even hear her own voice

How on earth you could imagine you can't hear your own voice?
How would you live on the life
that you only could communicate through writings
when all this while you could actually speak?

***

After the tour
an annotation, that given by a friend who also joined the tour,
left a huge impression on me

without the sight
no judgement and discrimination are made
only seeing through the heart

It is beautiful.

就这么难

有些人

需要一个陪伴

不是一个伴侣

我不需要陪伴

只需要

能和我对话的人

A day at old folks' home

Thought of my parents
Never could I imagine
they would ever get old

Pretty weird isn't it?

Looking at the elderly there
A former elementary teacher told me
She came there to learn
The first thing came into my mind was
cooking class
But to her is the spiritual learning

Then I wonder
what should I learn
at the age of immobility
Knitting will do

All kinds of elderly there
Bed-ridden, paralyzed lower limbs,
altered mental status and amnesic

For the first time I took for a very long time doing hearing screening
After just a short while
she asked me if the test needed payment
Then I realized that was the question what she had been asking
before she even went into the room
I didn't get it at first
Just nodded and smiled all the way
(I could hardly understand some of the conversation
with them actually)

The same question again and again
I answered the same thing time and again
She was also worried that I took too much time
as she needed to work at the office
Even the nurse laughed when she saw this

Then she asked if I could go to her house to do the test
for her husband and the people in her village
The woman after her shook her head
telling me with a whisper that her husband
has long passed away

Later she was busy walking around and saying
she needed to go home
and even walked out of the centre
Luckily my friend saw her and pulled her back in

This is why in the news
there're always elderly wondered on the street
and later found by kind-hearted persons yeah?
It didn't feel the same
when you witness the incident on your own
compared to a passage on the newspapers

It saddens me, really

I think I heard a story of a woman
who was left at a bus stop by her child
but the child never came back

The other woman at the centre told us that
when she was alone and contemplating
she would think of the fact that her children abandoned her
which made her heart ache
All the children are rich
but none would take care of her

So I wonder,
which is better-
being amnesic or having a good memory?
I'm pretty sure that I will have amnesia
as my memory isn't good even at this age

That's pretty scary as well

How to spend your life
on the bed
when you can't walk
can't do anything
but just laying?

迟来的叛逆

原来 怎样也好
总会有段 叛逆期

是受够了从前的约束
而今不愿多理

还是 怕以后回首
后悔自责？

总觉得 该为自己
做些什么

毕竟 这一辈子
要自己过完

狂想曲

半夜一点。
决定不再继续改论文

一点多两点。
睡不着
感觉很像是小时候
每每隔天有出游
前晚兴奋睡不着
小孩子真的挺可爱地可笑

四点。
紧张地吓醒
看时间
当自己知道
只能睡几个小时
生理闹钟特敏感

六点。
终于到
看看楼下的街道
空无一人
顿时后悔应该约于
破晓之后

六点半
不行
硬着头皮出发
脑子里
幻想许多可怕的画面
精神兮兮地快步走着
听说 越烦恼的事
越不会实现

我就拼命幻想！
哈哈哈哈

看了看巴士
空无一人
不小心就想了不好的事。。。

还是搭捷运
还好蛮多人

安全~松一口气

接下来 还有一关

到站。
看了看马路
若沿路走着
好像很容易被掠夺

还是走远路好了

结果。。。
迷路了

明明只需要过一条路
就到对面
但自己却身处在住宅区

天！
紧张地打开定位系统
快步走着

看到有人
仿佛惊弓之鸟
走得更快

终于。
熟悉的风景

为了见这些朋友
真受了不少苦啊

Find your role

It's something inspiring I heard in a talk

The slide showed a few words

'What is your role?'

People who are working

They complain and feel

Their jobs are meaningless

and dull

It's because they have yet found

The mission/ vision in doing their jobs

I think it's something like 使命感

Something you really want to do

By doing your job

Or the reason you're doing it

It's easier for the healthcare field I guess

To find the reason

The example provided by the speaker was

Some other of your colleagues

Have a different opinions on doing 

A particular thing

Which different from yours

And probably things should be that way

It's your role to do what is right

Maybe not to change the whole system

But to stand firm on your own principles 

And knowledge

All in all

Knowing what you want to achieve is 

The best motivator in

Doing anything

I believe 

兵说有理

听到很有趣的对话

选择了现实的甲说

若把兴趣当工作

最后会讨厌那个兴趣

选择了梦想的乙说

若不是他的兴趣

他早就没办法坚持下去

第一个说法

我也想过

不稳定收入的兴趣

到最后恐怕会变成厌恶

挺意外

第二的说法

却从来没有想过

恍如隔世

回家的路
漫长、遥远、曲折

（搭了巴士转直通巴士
搭飞机又搭巴士
真心觉得 巴士是一个
即美好又可恶的发明
最后一趟的巴士
我站了整整一小时
才到了市中心 =哭= ）

但一见到白发斑斑的老霸
吓了一跳

才没几个月
恍若隔世

挺难受
又能怎样呢

岁月本无情

回来是对的。

Jazz night

The Jazz orchestra

Probably my last one with student price

Definitely will miss this place

Still wanted to snap the hall secretly

I just don't care

(Photos are prohibited in the auditorium)

Because it's so grand

We were sitting quite front

The centre front seats were taken by foreigners

Three kids sitting at the row beside me

I just wondered if they could appreciate it

Guess who else were with us?

A man with his hair all white

Messier than Einstein's hair

Wearing all white as well

In loose and rather ragged clothes

At a glance you would question about

his mental status

But when my friend who recognised him

and shouted 'Samad Said'

This name rang a bell

Matching the photograph in my mind

A poet, a writer 

Later I discovered it's the crow poem

we had in our English literature in old days

He was with his wife

People who don't know him would probably feel uneasy to look at him

For him being extraordinary in the hall

Anyway, to us

We were more than excited to see him

For an aged poet to come to an orchestra performance

with his wife

It's really something

Something I wish I would do

When I'm old

"Jazz is always fun."

Overhearing what the dad said to the three kids

after the concert ended

I suppose the dad was asking if they enjoyed the show

(Actually I'm really envious of them

For being able to have this luxury to be there

At that age!)

But to me

Jazz is calm

Jazz is a night thing

It's in the lounge of a hotel

It's on the radio of a car

During the night

Where you feel so relaxed listening to it

like you will fall asleep in any minute

The show wasn't solely orchestra performance 

There was one musician who plays trumpet

Sang the Jazz songs

Exactly like listening to Mix Fm's

'Late night musics'

Fact of the day: 

Jazz is from Norland

I have no idea where it is

Another fact:

Black people really sing Jazz well

The singer-trumpeter was really funny

Made jokes during the performance

Also, I didn't know someone would sing

with that epic face expressions

At some point it's too distracting that

I had to look away

In order to listen lol

Another I found out was that

The drum was at a space surrounded by transparent walls

Unlike the crowded placement of the other instruments

I wish in next life I would be a musician 

Or perhaps in previous life I was one

That explains why

每一年

收到很多的祝福

惊讶且惭愧

怎么大家记性都那么好？

还是因为生对时候

特别好记？

我都很难说出

到底祝我的人生日是几时

每年这个时候

才觉得自己的朋友

真不少

感恩

身边还有他们

***

把封面给画了

今年起的任务

***

这个女人

送了四年的étude house给我

有点无语啊～

但超感动的是

特地在生日前出门

为我买礼物

明年没礼物收了

怎么办？

知我心

知心非怀胎九月者莫属

切断了脐带

依然心灵相通

在这个特别的日子

十二点钟声敲响之前

通电

神奇的是

九点本已躺在床上

辗转难眠

起身吃完宵夜

刚好就接到来电

教我怎么不爱她

Best Wishes

As always
The night before my birthday
when the camera is ready for the birthday girl
I've always been in this messy and ugly state
unprepared for the camera LOL

Kinda surprised though
The last year
still having the luxury of making wishes
Finally really having something to wish for
Wishes for myself.

Thank you to all my lovely mates
We really need more time to gather around
and talk nonsense

I could see that I would cry as well this year
if anyone happens to burst into tears first

***

距离十二点
还有五分钟

电话响了

匿名来电

虽然听不清楚你在说什么

但声音依然矫情

哈哈哈

希望你下一年可以man一点说话

xP

About nothing

It's said that Einstein has found out that
We only exist in present
Not the past nor future
It's not some sort of the philosophy nor
religious teachings

I think what he meant was
The experience of the past
is only exist in the memory
If there's no memory of it
then there's no past
Just like what happens to amnesia sufferers

It makes me think of the video/computer games
that I played as a child
The character (the player) is at the center of the screen
then as I press the left keypad
the character doesn't move to the right
instead the things around it move to the left

There was a time when I thought
Perhaps the life now is just a dream of another life
Now I think
Perhaps humans on earth just a particle of another giant in another world
( After I knew what they say about human is made up of atoms which works just like the universe)
 Or
another saying of a virtual-experience developer I read just now
Everything we see is just the electrical stimulation in the brain
We thought we're seeing, feeling, tasting, touching and so on
but what we're really experiencing is all playing in the brain
I couldn't deny that
so perhaps
We are just being simulated in this world
having this life
but in fact our real 'bodies' or 'souls' or whatever it is
is in another world
another dimension

Just like in the Matrix
Yeah

If it's not the case
I believe we'll soon be able to experience another world
just like in the Matrix
Crap
Saying what we experience are virtual
but they're developing something even virtual

Great
Who need to eat and sleep?
Stimulate the areas in the brain
and using other means to keep the cells of the body alive
or not at all
We just need a brain
not the body
we could get a robot body
then connect the nerves to the body parts

Hell yeah
Just like the movie Chappie I watched the other day
Making me so sick
The ending is the dead main character
transfers his consciousness into a robot
Then he lives happily ever after
I was like what the heck the ending is

Even though everything is nothing
I still love the nothing
The conclusion.

蓝图

看了长笛表演
依然跟第一次看到一样
还是感觉很优雅

又萌起想学的念头

当初学了爵士鼓
又没有教长笛的老师
之后就不了了之

***

有个学长
读完了硕士
问起他申请的工作
竟然是跟他专业
差之十千八里远的行业
是倾向于政治的

好奇那职位需要硕士学位么？
不需但他说硕士是给他时间
自己一个人独处
想自己要什么

***
就在冲凉的当儿
（不得不承认
冲凉是个很好深思的时候）
想到了五年/十年的规划

真心的说
我需要赚钱
供自己出国念书
念什么
还没想到
反正重点在于出国
不是念书
哈哈哈

趁还没有牵绊
趁年轻吃得了苦

希望不会被工作麻木
失去了动力
最好就是
麻痹得想要逃离
而选择做不一样的事

礼物

我希望当我写完最后一页

我已不再为你心痛

不需要

一件很喜欢的东西

最终还是没买下来

因为不需要

就像 很喜欢你

却不需要 拥有你

依然

我依然任性
依然幼稚
依然爱乱想
依然爱哭

我依然是
那个依然爱你的我

***
在漫漫的五小时里
电卷头发的当儿
想到这个

选择善良

续上回的话题

善良是一种选择

有些人特别艰难的选择

有些人自然的选择

在窘境中

选择善良的人不多

在日常中

举手之劳的事都不做

所以

坚持对得起良心

选择从善的人

特别珍贵

深深体会感动

是在这一段

Data collection期间

打电话预约父母

厚脸皮发了十多封信息

收到三封回信

可乐得很

选择拒绝是应该的

选择帮助

是意外收获

（但我把所有事情的寄望

放到最低

生活会快乐些

虽然被拒绝

真的太痛

是一种

隐隐作痛

影响心情

还有本来就不稳定的

动力和士气）

几位妈妈让我特感动

一位印裔的妈妈

预约临时提早

还特别给我发了封信息

当天在我要付她车费津贴时

连续拒绝收下

虽然我已经说了

本来就是必须给subjects的

但她说

This is for your contribution

然后说她只会收下

我特别准备的stickers

（还好我想到外加给小礼物

不然我真的会很惭愧）

之后我看到一个捐款箱

是献给之前曾经去的一间弱智儿童之家

我把那笔钱投进去

祝福这位妈妈和儿子

也希望可以让她的善心延续下去

第二位妈妈更加可爱

很有兴趣知道我的研究

我简单地跟她解释

才仿佛恍然大悟

儿子实在太帅了 哈哈

超爱笑的小孩

但我要给津贴给妈妈的时候

她还是很好奇地问

那钱是否是我自费的

连忙解释了是我的supervisor赞助

之后她说

若是我出的钱

那她就不会签那张收据了

该说是种为人着想

还是体贴

反正有时候有趣的地方就在这里

总有意外的感动

刚才特地从klang来的妈妈

很可惜没做到

就得离开

（因为当时别的clinician在用

而我们等了差不多一小时）

感到的歉意

因津贴和帮她定下一次的预约

而稍微减少

空手而归

是不好受的

其实我不是特别想要

把津贴这事说在前头

或许是想要别人的真心

或许是叛逆地想测试善良

总觉得如果存着一片好心

没想得到回报

意外地得到一些收获

反而更高兴

但朋友却说

提前通知会让人更要参与

逼于无奈 时间紧迫

发信息的时候 一并写下去

但也如我所料吧

很多人其实也不稀罕一点小钱

而麻烦自己

当然他们有事要忙

所以我才只能选那些方便他们的时间

致那些不小心被我抓到

和为我动一动举手之劳

愿意参与的父母

和乖乖坐着的小孩

深深祝福

这样温暖的画面

平衡了我

遭受拒绝和忙碌的坏心情

Before I get older

and before GST starts to charge

In my list:
1. A movie: checked - though it wasn't really my type of movie, kinda disappointed with the story line and the vulgarity in the movie.
2. Books: not yet - the bookstore I went is simply too small to have a separate literature book racks
3. A notebook: something simple, something clean and classy. I'm gonna write! Like hand-written.
4. Perming my hair: struggles to decide, but yeah I think I would anyway

Before I graduate:
Definitely gonna go art gallery(ies) and another theater.

幽幽

当我在用中文打字

意味着语气认真

华语是

说起来忧伤

写起来严肃

看起来沉重

的语言

有研究说

华语比起其他语言

更悲观

大概古人都太感性

把情感都描述得

太精准

相对来说

英文显得轻松

休闲

我写中文

不了解的人

看作是忧郁悲伤

在我脑海的声音

是低沉、稳重

和谐

最平静的状态

或许对于他们来说

高亢才是正常

平稳是低落

在物理学来说

低能量的振动

也就是低音

是共鸣的基础

总有一种感觉

我发出的微波

吸引频率相同的人

偶尔出差错

吸引相反的人

因而收敛一些

那些人觉得我悲观

我觉得是自己的情感太丰富

感触敏感

无奈他们以为我跟他们一样

其实我很怕悲观的人

却同时觉得应该做些什么

开导开导一下他们

只是当自己也感染了浊气

只好踉跄逃离

很多丧气的时候

都绝口不提

偶然泄了泄气

最大的安慰是别人觉得

事情其实没那么惨

还好没怎样

自己也平衡些

觉得没什么大不了

（同时心情得到认同）

所以安慰人最好的方法是这样吧？

还是只有我才这样？

说到最后

其实没什么重点

随便写写

水深火热

这个故事
我写了两个版本
分享了出去

觉得真的需要这样做

总觉得
现代的人们
很冷漠
忽略身边的太多事

注重的反而是吃喝玩乐
当然分享幸福快乐是件好事

所以觉得这一次一定要写下来
身在福中的人很多
急功好利的人也不少

用细腻的眼光观察身边事的人
真的有限
八卦丑闻传千里
社会课题民间苦难知太少

经历这件事
觉得需要深思
同时觉得隐隐担忧

***
第三个版本
我自己留着


搭上德士
司机问平时那段路程
大概需要多少钱
“少过十块”
“那五块”
朋友立刻开门而出

司机立即减价
我说好吧
示意朋友上车

他的年纪挺老的
看起来像是有孙子了吧

在车上
无奈的司机
开始抱怨说
这么几块钱
吃个饭都不够

每一句话的开头
是“大小姐啊"
可能觉得我们太刻薄了吧

其他朋友静静不做回应
我誊清我们只是学生
那叔叔依然咬定说
学生很有钱的呀
不然怎么读大学

等下毕业了就赚大钱了
是不是

我快要脱口而出
现在失业的人
不胜其数
但还是压了下去

到最后其实我们也没多付
多少钱
是有念头要多付他
但我不想让他觉得在可怜他

这件事发生在早上
却一直萦绕着

觉得实在惆怅
经济萧条
生活逼人
人是会变猖狂的

匪徒不会猖狂
因为他们本来就做惯那一行
骗子也不会猖狂
这些人都是贪心作祟
有钱人也不会猖狂
依然生活在富裕中

只有平民百姓
真正感受到那打击

我觉得很可怕的
也最不忍的
是看好的人
变得失去良知

最悲哀的是
那根本都不是他们的错

做德士的经验很多
被骗的时候也有
幸运的是
上一次骗我们的司机
得知我们是学生后
很好心地在最近的路口
停下了我们
当然我们也被骗了不少

或许对于那叔叔
我们刻薄了吧

生活本来就不简单
也是在几个月以后
我会承担的压力
我亦很担心

Think nothing

关于已读不回

我是十分讨厌

明明是个问题

明明需要回应

但就是因为是数码信息

就没有收尾地结束

一段谈话

会怀疑

若面对面

还会这样吗？

总觉得太不礼貌

还是现代人连基本的谈话技能

都不会了？

开头、接话、结束

也不会？

但关于这个

我已经习惯而麻木

现在不介意了

介意了又怎样

是不是？

萍水相逢

是

   你坐在身边

   一小时又一小时过去

你不言

             我不语

“到哪儿了？”

“不知道。要看路牌。”

“到Rawang了。”

“哦。” 

（根本不知道是哪儿。但听起来靠近了。）

更早之前。。。

“你是十八号？”

“。。。”

“你是十八号？”

（低头忙着放行李。）

终于意识到时，

“哦。”

最后

        一句再见都没说

所谓的萍水相逢。

车程

接上回的话

关于 同样的路

不同环境

不同的结果

今天做巴士回学校

而朋友坐车

同样时间出发

他四小时就到了

在他抵达宿舍时

我还困在巴士里

脚都麻痹了

睡醒都不知道自己身在哪里

平时睡一睡就到了

好彩这次学聪明

带了小抱枕

不然睡都不能睡

这辆巴士驾得有够慢呐

About Egotism

I've encountered several persons
who're very goal-oriented and
capable
yet ego

I don't usually get along with them
due to my straightforwardness
which always shatter their egotism

Ambitious, often they're
but one thing they always forgot

You think you're a winner
doesn't make other people losers.

同人不同命之说

同样的时间里

用同样的力气

做一件同样的事

得到的却不同

富有的孩子

前面的路

已经铺好

安安稳稳

再怎么蹦跳嬉闹

总有出路

听朋友说

一位医生分享

他的一生没经历什么波折

从小就含金钥匙出生

读医学（挺能念书的吧）

结婚生子

生活顺利

他还说了一句

我听起来非常可怕的话

大意是

穷的人继续穷

富的人依然富

社会流动是很难的事 (social mobility)

要反对这个讲法

当然可以举很多例子

但普遍来说

在bell-shaped curve里的常态

那样说其实不是没有道理的

富足的家庭

（重点在知足）

幸福快乐

而贫贱夫妻百事哀

也无不道理

我一直在找的答案

通过与朋友对话略得头绪

这一位很要好的朋友

家里经济状况不佳

家人关系也不好

但他却很用功

成绩也很好

我们作为朋友会想说

那么好的成绩

应该去国外深造

机会好 见识广

（虽然offer的科系是冷门系）

但他却偏偏一直都呆在家乡

身边朋友也没几个

那一天 见了他

跟他提起这事儿

他说

因为他的家庭背景

使他想要安稳的生活

和稳定的收入

看见家人不稳的经济

他不想以后那样子

所以拿到现在的科系（热门科系）

就坚持要留下来了

我会怀疑

所谓热门的科系

过几年就人才过剩了

但听他那么一说

有一丝可惜与感动

我常常想

走上这一条路

是冥冥中安排

总有其原因

另一位朋友提醒了我

我的个性是一半外向一半内向

加上我觉得是我的怜悯之心

和良心

适合这副医学之道

小说Divergent里

人类分为几种

有乐于助人无私型的

有耿直不阿型的

都分派到不同的领域工作

无私的是农民

耿直的是执法人员

在这个快毕业的时期

又是一个混乱(confusion)

和怀疑自己的时候

就像中五毕业后那样

会后悔当初怎么没放手一搏

现在常常听见身边的人说

还有一些带不可思议的语气问

真的选择这专业的工作么？

真的喜欢这工作？

要选择自己所喜爱的事情做

想想自己真正要的是什么吧

等等等。。。

（好像他们真的知道，还是真的在做喜欢的事？

或许吧

我会说

那些三岁就爱弹琴

五岁就知道自己一定要成为钢琴家的人

是幸运的

他们很早就知道

他们想要什么

专长是什么

但不是每一个人都那么幸运

后来我想

我们这一类人

其实想张白纸

在上面涂什么

就成什么

这种flexibility

也是一种好事

适者生存嘛）

我也常常在想不一样的选择

那不一样的生活

也羡慕那些选择了自己热爱的专业

看起来实在开心的生活

但当时候在种种条件约束下

我的选择还是现实

而不是”任性的随心所欲”

况且我不能确定

那一时的喜好

会不会因功课的压力而给消耗

我只能默默承认

我没那个勇气

去赌另一个不一样的旅程

我的选择

也是安稳

因为你看见别人
为拘谨的生活挣扎
为一小时几块钱而打工
为求更高工资而考虑换工
你宁愿将就

我想我也走上为我铺好的路
爸跟我说他对我的期待
找一份安稳的工作
虽不大富却不大贫
就好

但我心里有一丝疯狂
只是不知
何时我会厌倦了那框框

我的才华
浪费了挺可惜
哈哈哈

幸福是

湿答答或是冷冷的脚

踏在舒服的地毯

情绪自由

一个人在生气时

不是别人的错

是他心里觉得是对方的错

生的是自己的气

伤害的也是自己

最糟糕是拖累受气的人

我心如止水。 

情绪自由是我追求的

不受于外在影响

要把那盆水

放在又高又稳的位置

才安稳

Break

I always feel that I have ten thousands of things to do
in my head

And I still feeling it.

It's like never ending.

I'm so tired that feeling like never got a good rest
Not even on vacation.
In fact during vacation I got lesser sleep.

Have a break before I break apart.

真善

If I were to write about my day

( I'm writing anyway)

I would say it's an ugly truth day

Reminds me of the song

Sometimes when we touch,

The honesty too much

and I have to close my eyes and hide

Rather living in a world

Of fools

Than of ugly truth

It's not about how I got up a hill

being adventorous 

I often feel excited when I'm alone

but not with people

Weirdest thing was that

I was being tested

Both failed and passed excellently 

at the same time I guess

纯粹

是我要说的那一个词

很多人

至少是我见过的

（幸运地得知）他们坦诚地说

他们做的很多事情

都不纯粹

一定要有目标

有原因

一定要有个“有”

无

才是最高境界

观念不一样

道不同

我应该觉得可怕

觉得惊讶

怎么那么恐怖

总是引出了

黑暗面

真的需要检讨自己

磁场调错了

幸运的是

在这一个时候

我遇上这种事

换做以前的我

肯定招架不住

不了解的人总说

我悲观

或许

他们都喜欢看

快乐的事

太过乐观

不是我追求的

理智才是

那些他们诠释的悲观

是残忍的现实

真实的情感

不是每一个人

都会面对它

承认它

我不会说

这是启发性的经验

但是有点不忍

我不想看见

不要见的

真的人

可能不少

善的人

太少

No, you don't

What do you call 先入为主 in English?
Judgmental? Or subjective?

With the pieces of stories of me
People think they know me.

I'm pissed.
Not because of it
but I'm pissed.
So I thought of it.

About time

I want to write, I really do,
but when the words come to the fingertips
I write nothing.

Have been many places
too much thoughts and feelings and realization
Being enlightened but I have no words for it

Every down I lift it up
Going to somewhere new
Watching movies

So many things that I love about
So many things I want to tell

But I don't talk
I can't talk
I don't know how to put the experiences into words
Really having expressive problem now
Can't feel the resonating vibes in people around
nor I can write it out
So everything is in my head
Afraid it being washed away by the new memories
the next day I wake up
but so far I can do nothing

Time flies
The only time freezes
is when you're waiting for it to pass

At the time I was waiting
 It felt both fast and slow
Having the thought that
Waiting is the only time
when we have the power of stopping the time
It isn't feel as bad
Rather than keep feeling the moments is lost
in the blink of an eye
and how distressing waiting is

"We don't seize the moment,
it's the other way round,
the moment seizes us."

I can't agree more.
Love the movie "Boyhood" really much
Found out it to be the same director as the "Before" series
Got a hunch while watching the movie
The feeling of familiarity in the subtleties -
the criticism of the current issues in the dialogues

I don't like this feeling

Worrying should be the last thing I should do
Really exhausted, physically.
Didn't get much sleep
Have been going out everyday
since the first day I touched down
This may be the reason of the mood swing

Another reason I can think of is that
the phobia and trauma I got
before I came back, during my data collection
Waited whole day and got nothing in return

All I can feel is fear
Worrying how I'm going to do this
I shall not elaborate more
instead I have to say the opposite

I will get it done
It will be on time
Everything will be just fine

I'm going back tomorrow
feeling terrible
Really really bad

The last time I have this feeling was
last year before new semester reopened
when I was under a supervisor that I wasn't fond of

Exactly the same resistance

Have been telling friends
but really couldn't express it clearly
the complications in it
I don't seek consolation nor suggestions
I know nothing can help
Just hoping it won't be buried and rot in me

No, it's not that bad
Whatever it will be
just face and accept it

It's not a matter of life and death anyway

Sigh.

禄即忙忙碌碌

在介绍一扇雕刻着福禄寿的门时，

解说员的诠释是：幸福和快乐来自人与人之间的感情。

虽然华人爱钱，但没有亲人爱人和朋友的陪伴，

再多的钱也没有用。

同样的道理，用于健康和寿命，

但我想，是富或穷

生死是命。

只是听到那里，闪过一丝感触。

不小心浅浅地湿了双眸。

The tour guide who only speaks in fluent English and off-intonation Chinese in words only

Visited the heritage mansion today 

Will update if I have the mood

Outings

Throwback post

I really have too many things going on

So now it's a quick flashback 

Due to recommendation 

and the eager to get away from routine

Took free bus, looked at Google map

and finally used GPS

To find the location

Tiong Nam street

We walked from the first road

Later realized it's at the fifth

The street is nothing like the city

Decent looking

Unlike many other streets with all the tall buildings 

Or neon lighted signs of the shoplots

Could see that mainly are the Chinese living there

The feeling of admiration crept in

Just like how I usually feel

when I walk on Penang streets

with rows of old houses

When we finally reached there

An old man came to us to take orders

His voice was very soft and breathy 

I could hardly understand

Anyway

Ordered two bowls of different dishes 

Didn't surprise me nor disappoint me

So-so

I don't really have much comments on food

There're some excerpts from the newspapers on the wall

Showing some celebrities came here before

The place wasn't really hot

(As commented by the netizens)

Still bearable to me

What surprised me

Was the price

It was way higher than what I saw online

Perhaps the post was outdated 

Just a short escape

Which I do from time to time

Not really for the food

Met up with many friends

Kinda guilty to spend so much

but I just want to see them 

although nothing much to chat about 

I feel bad and glad at the same time 

Just like now

During this holidays (sort of) 

Feeling obliged to see some of the friends

As I usually do 

Perhaps I'm too lonely

or I just afraid to lose any friends anymore

And want to keep in touch 

as much as I can

For those who stay

or start to drift apart

I got emotional every time I got back

Maybe it's just the suppressed feelings 

emerging

Art gallery

One good thing about the city is the artistical values here

So I'm trying to go to the art galleries nearby

when I still have the chance

It was raining heavily

We walked quite a distance from the lrt station 

Soaked from head to toe

I think we're just weird people

But I like it 

It's kinda hard to find companions 

with the same interest

and have the same free time

Within vicinity 

Reached there a few hours before it's closed

Three floors of galleries

First and second floor are exhibiting old coins, histories and about currency

Not our thing

Perhaps requesting for a guided tour was a better idea 

Opening a safe

Hiak hiak

Look what's inside 

How to carry home all these?

Or where should I keep these?

I'll be paranoid of getting robbed

How you feel with all the notes...

Speaking of the inflation rate

Really beautiful pieces right there

Made of porcelain 

Found many familiar things seen from

the history textbook 

It's a better way to 'learn' about history

than to study it from the pictures

Some nice ones

Words from the artist

Don't really fond of the art

Two iconic towers can be viewed from there

Highest floor is the art gallery

which I like pretty much

Too bad

Didn't really have much time left for it

Some of the pieces that I like

Some of the cities around the world

Lovely, making me kinda homesick

A corner which was full of paintings on Penang

The theme of the gallery was about Tsunami

The waves, the victims and rebuilding of life

Love the striking of mixing colors

Love the details of this piece

All in all 

Really like this place

The architecture

The design 

The location of the place

It's quite remote

Up the hill

Nothing like the city

The glass walls

The whole building is made from glass

It's like the bird nest

Love the place

How I wish I can work there

My mood will be very good 

Too bad I'm not studying finance or somewhat

We had dinner before going back

The cafe was selling food at reasonable prices

The food is quite good

We walked around the souvenir shop

But it's closing

So I didn't get to pick any postcards 

As I also didn't see any that I liked