《悲歌》

今生将不再见你，

只为再见的，已不是你，

心中的你已永不再现，

再现的，

只是些沧桑的，日月和流年。

——席慕蓉

***

准确表达了我想说的

但他们都不会懂

原来同样的想法

都会有人写成诗

如此优美

就在圣诞的这一天

其实

如果是真的话

无论怎样都藏不住

假的

说成真

也是一骗再骗

的找借口

谢谢

让我知道

直觉是很准的

感受到的

也是真的

不是我聪明

只看要不要装笨下去

刚好

说早一步就好

是不是那些

只要成果

坐享其成的人？

说迟一步就好

是不是那些

等不及成果

而错过的人？

要相信

刚好。

怪心情

My heart goes a little bit off.

In this season.

In this moment.

*** 

萍水相逢

奏出怎样的旋律

取决于

听者的心情

是夸大

还是压抑

实在分不清

是忘记

还是故意

有没有必要回想个究竟

不太对的心情

自己也问不出

所以然

一片净土

《转山》一部关于
从丽江骑自行车到拉萨的故事

看得我头昏脑胀
不舒服到想吐
除了因为镜头实在太摇晃
也是因为剧情看了都觉得辛苦

但还是看到最后

因为是西藏啊

三跪一拜
布达拉宫
多么熟悉的情景
都是之前在书里面看过的
就是那本书
让我向往去西藏

之前只记录了那首诗 《= 点这里
没说关于那个去西藏的故事
所以我也忘了
只记得很感人
而且真的很想去

电影里的景色实在太迷人
那些山峦
那片纯蓝的天

丽江啊
在那里我看见
最蓝最大片的天空
也是在那里
第一次看见雪

丽江真的很靠近香格里拉
就差一段路
可惜行程里没包括那里

突然有种想象
想象自己也踏上这个旅程
（租车吧，骑自行车恐怕我会死在路上）
那么壮观
那么辽阔

看看住在山上的人们
看看他们的生活
想想我们在城市里
到底在做什么

或许会羡慕朴素
但毕竟只是短暂的旅途
若是一辈子
恐怕不会习惯

看到被转动的经筒
飘扬的经幡
只有满满的感动



~Google image

The Little Prince

Because they don't understand. 

***

It's really one of my favorite book

I can almost read it with a storytelling intonation

Maybe I would read it to my children next time =] 

Loop mode

这几天
反复听《可惜没如果》
偶室友都受不了了
教我别听伤感的歌
不然心情更糟

之前拼命听《泡沫》
再更之前
失恋的时候听的是
《失落沙洲》

还是伤感的歌
比较耐听

***

每一首歌
都代表一段记忆

A cursing spell

If I'm going cast a spell onto myself

I want to have appetite when it's time for lunch and dinner

Not when it's odd hour, not knowing whether I should eat or wait until meal time

I want to sleep when it's time to sleep

To be fully awake when it's time to work

Everyday I take coffee

Now I get tolerant to it

Really very very geram about it

Escapism mode on

No appetite

Feeling sleepy all the time

Shit

Looks like depression symptoms

爱是一辈子的守护

The Notebook (2004)
可以说是最好的爱情故事
不只是因为结局而感人
更是因为梦幻的写实

梦幻只因太美好
写实只因里头的对白

一辈子
不是不吵架
而是吵架了 还是要在一起
一辈子 是守护
不放手 不放弃
在恶劣的时候
不是直接认定对方是坏
而是依然记得对方的好

***
男主的演技实在太赞
实实在在能感受到
双眸的炽热
喜欢他看着女主的眼神
认真 真诚
和深深的爱

***
或许 一辈子 不难
只要不松手

What is it like to do a research

Like 10 people talk to you at a time

You don't know who to listen to

When you focus on one speech 

Then it leads you to 3 more people

You search for that 3 persons

Trying to listen

In the end

You don't get any main focus

You are so lost and can't think of

the bigger picture

In my case

It is even worse-

The day before my presentation,

My objectives were being changed

The night before the presentation,

I got informed that my research has no value

Then it was the presentation

Getting the same feedback

Lucky and unlucky enough is that

I got my supervisors

They are unclear what the research is about 

Being blur together with me in the discussion

Which was so cute and so not cute

Nonetheless they are very supportive

I got really touched and grateful when they checked my drafts

Though it is their job

But putting myself in their shoes

Having so busy with other works to do

You still need to spend time checking long essays 

and entertain questions from a student

Pretty tiring 

Therefore I am really impressed how they manage to bear with it

Getting them to spend some time for me

Really makes me feel being loved ❤️❤️❤️ 

It was de motivating when I got to know

What I am doing actually really outdated 

Compared to overseas

The knowledge here is 10 years behind

What the researchers doing there at this point of time 

Is far beyond our knowledge and understanding

Shameful I could say

Could not imagine this thing being published

When the researchers overseas look at it

and got surprised how outdated the research being done in this country

Tried to convince myself 

I am an undergrad anyway

Could not bear to do huge research

Then one thing just now my sv said,

with a positive response to a demotivating realization,

It's ok

We can learn together with you

It's good that we can learn new thing

This is a learning process

We are not going to do the exact protocol

If you want you can come back and further study on that

We would happy to supervise you 

Well, no thanks for the latter

and thanks for giving me positivity

I love the thinking and the spirit

and I shall keep the spirit high

It is like 

Stacking a block above another

When the table get unstable 

The whole stack collapses

So I start again

Stacking it one by one

Then it collapses 

and now 

I am starting all over again

I am going to make it! 

0.5 的爱情

剧情实在狗血

在这么枯燥的下午
朋友在电脑播着
也跟着看了

故事情节
不值得一提

只是电影主题和概念
就是之前我想过的

里面说
每一人原本是一个一
遇见另一个人后
慢慢变成0.5
迁就、改变自己的观念和习惯
然后0.5 加 0.5 等于一

我想
不要妥协的人
怎样都不能变成0.5

单身的人
都是那些要维护自己完整性
的那些人

所以当初
慢慢失去完整的我
感到迷惑和不习惯
明明是一个人的世界
要容纳两个人
实在拥挤

等到渐渐成型
突然抽离
剩下的空洞

需要时间慢慢弥补
用自我填满。

Cold

It's said that when you numb your sadness
you're actually numbing all your emotions
including happiness

Now, I just want to numb that part
and being cold

That was it

It will be the only post I talk about it

I have been suppressing it

but maybe I shall write something about it

To keep track of the memory

At the moment

The constantly hungry anorexia

So it was an escape 

Went out to do window shopping

to have dinner

and grocery shopping

Need snacks so badly

Feeling very satisfied the moment I carried bags of snacks on the way home

Though they were really heavy

and I walked quite a long way home

Was thinking 

Perhaps snacks are the only thing

That can make me happy

Now

When I was alone

I asked myself what to eat 

What I want to eat

What I love to eat

I got no answers

No particular craving actually

I love desserts

But no specific dessert to eat

The fact is

I know I won't be able to have a

main dish and finish up the dessert 

I can guarantee that 

Snacking at home probably 

can do a better job of cheering me up

and fix my 'eating disorder' or make it worse

So yeah, everyone's saying I have eating disorder 

I got hungry during midnight

Almost every night I had supper

Just feeling I need to eat

Or else it's pitiful that my body

Has nothing to digest for 9 hours of sleep

( no class recently and yeah 9 hours) 

So I rather eat 

Or else I get really hungry for breakfast

Well whatever it is

Disorder or not

I'm just an anorexia who constantly feeling hungry

Vulnerability - courage to myself

It's a pure courage,
emotional risk, exposure, uncertainty.

It fuels our daily lives.

At best you win, and at worst you lose,

but when you fail, when you lose, 

you do so daring greatly.

One variable that separated the people

who have a strong sense of love and belonging and 

the people who really struggle for it

is believe of self-worthiness

The people who have a strong sense of love and belonging 

believe they're worthy of love and belonging. 

That's it. They believe they're worthy.

The hard part of the one thing that keeps us out of connection

is our fear that we're not worthy of connection

The courage to be imperfect

They had the compassion 

to be kind to themselves first and then to others, 

because, as it turns out, 

we can't practice compassion with other people 

if we can't treat ourselves kindly. 

And the last was they had connection, and 

-- this was the hard part -- 

as a result of authenticity, 

they were willing to 

let go of who they thought they should be in order to be who they were, 

which you have to absolutely do that for connection.

The other thing that they had in common was this:

They fully embraced vulnerability. 

They believed that what made them vulnerable made them beautiful. 

They just talked about it being necessary. 

They talked about the willingness to say, "I love you" first, 

the willingness to do something where there are no guarantees, 

the willingness to breathe through waiting for the doctor to call after your mammogram. 

They're willing to invest in a relationship that may or may not work out. 

They thought this was fundamental.

~ Brené Brown

***

***

Lesson of the story:
To be vulnerable,
is the courage of people with self-worthiness
and self-assurance

To give, to risk,
with no certainty of getting anything back
is the act of people with great courage and self-love
which are the thing I need to instil 

Kindness overload

Very reluctant to make the call

The phone call to a mother

whose child is the only subject of my thesis 

which I could find so far

Have to cancel the appointment

At the very last minute

I only recalled that the child is having middle ear problem 

which I need to wait until it resolves

(hopefully it will)

Thus, reluctantly I made the call

I think it was the father picked up the phone at the beginning

After I blah out my introduction line

Which I had practiced for a few times

The person at the other end of the call

passed the phone to another person

Then it was the mother 

I blah again my line 

She asked tomorrow is the appointment right

I told her about the reschedule

finding reason to make her feel better

by saying it would be more convenient for her to come for my study

During her next appointment with our clinic

So that she doesn't need to travel so many times

What surprises me

and makes me to blog this post 

Is because the mother didn't feel relieved for having one less trouble

( which that is how I think it is- 

Troubling the parents 

and why on earth people want to get into trouble to travel and let a student

to do experiment on your child right?)

Instead she said

"Owh, I was thinking that you said it's final,

so I don't mind to go earlier actually."

Apparently she thought my data collection was reaching the due date

I can tell you I'm soooooo touched

by this act of kindness and consideration

Gosh I love the parents in our clinic

Aren't they nice?

Haha

Generalized it to all the people 

Anyway

It's a great motivation to keep me moving forward

Even though my data collected for now

Equals to Z.E.R.O. 

熬夜

为了赶功课

坐在电脑前 动也没动

看了时钟

才惊知已半夜一点

难怪感觉头昏脑涨

还是硬头皮花时间

泡饮料来喝

不然带着空空的肚子

肯定躺下也白躺

入睡前

真心为我身体

感到太对不住

我真的太差了

没有工作重要过健康

把自己搞得一塌糊涂

实在不值得

默默念着

仿佛对自己的身体道歉

不适感就会被驱走

结果隔天

预料之中的后果

痘痘冒出来啦！

该奋斗的年龄，不要选择安逸。

今天看到的一句话。
加油，大家。

梦之恐怖游戏

又发噩梦了

这次的梦有很多个

杂乱的故事

关于恐怖游戏

在一个阴森的地方

受害者（玩游戏的人）头皮上挂着

大支的黑夹子bobby pin

除了一个人

主持人问那个人

他选择报复吗

他说他不是这种人

其他的人带有生气的感觉

因为他这样

他们又重新开始那一回合

所以换过新的没有被挂夹子的人

之后很像是另一帮人

来到一个公寓的单位

他们没来过

但根据线索

知道家里面的人

也是受害者

他们进去之后发现

一个女人死了

出来以后

他们也开始担心

体内的毒液

侵蚀他们

而我面前站着的本地女神yumi w

脸开始剥落

（联想到Lucy的场景的吧？）

然后还有一些破碎的故事

还是算了

我醒了过后

看天由暗变亮

还有鸟吱咋的声音

还好之后还能睡回

真的是莫名其妙的头脑

Love actually

Watched a heart-warming,

touching movie about love

Wouldn't say it's a romance 

but it's love! 

Just in time

I can feel the atmosphere of the festival

and also the feelings every time I watch Christmas movies

Christmas is the time to be with your love 

The line in the movie

so the stories are intertwined and happen around Christmas

The surprises in the movie are

* Spoiler alert *

The love of the son is a black girl

The video of the wedding is all about the bride

and he confesses to her on Christmas

Most heart breaking part!

So touching overall 

Especially when the disgusting old singer 

told his manager he actually loves him 

Though he always despises him and mocks him in the public

The amazing thing about Christmas movies is they always can make you feel warm

Awhhhhh~ 

I love the songs in the movie as well

Oldies! 

Just my type of movie 

Artistic date

It was the day of my case presentation

The sky was beautifully blue that afternoon

A cute board there

at the restaurant

The things are actually what we do

Except watching the sun

Relaxing lunch after the tense presentation

Feeling lucky to have a lift and lunch out 

Rushed back for the date

Waited alone at the bus station

with the wind blowing smell of urine 

and the strangers around 

The bus took some time to come

I was kinda uneasy 

Finally got to think the benefit of having

a 'resting bitch face'

I don't look easy to bully yeah~

Anyhow

once I got into the bus

There came the familiar feelings of taking buses alone

Like I would stare blankly at the window 

for a long time 

Then my date got into the busla~ 

It's amazing how two persons got to know each other and hanged out

Not very awkward as the conversation went on

The art gallery there was exhibiting street art

I've long known graffiti 

but it's the first time I'm close to it

and realized they're artists too

Really love these pieces

Not only the blue sky as the background

Or the pink hoodie

It's the feeling I look at them

Just nice. 

The theme of the gallery

and also the project funded by Petronas

I realized in order for art to live

is to have support from rich companies

This place has it all

Art galleries and the music halls

Perfect place to wander around

and get the scent of arts

This is the only place I feel worth visiting again and again

in this city

Didn't take a picture of the mural I like the most

I always saw it in the lrt 

Only to realize it's part of the project

And I love this

The way the paints hanging in the air

and the shadows make the pattern in the light

So we watched Hunger Games

Though I saw the reviews weren't very good

Surprisingly I was touched by the movie

Recalled back the storyline 

But I still can't remember the ending that I'd read

The xmas deco was awesome

I mean the one outdoor 

The indoor xmas trees were too overloaded

This one was so tall and stunning!

We went to see the stamps exhibition

The hall was so huge 

It was closing so we just stayed for awhile

I bet even spending the whole day also can't finish seeing all the boards  

Envelopes and stamps.

It must have many stories behind it

Some were official letters

Saw a letter to home

Imagine the longing of the loved ones at home

One thing I like about it is 

the handwritings 

The Western calligraphy 

These ancient people wrote beautifully

making me envious

I wonder why wouldn't anyone in this era

has this kind of handwriting?

I mean naturally

To make the night a little more perfect and memorable

Once we got out of the exhibition hall

The fountain started to dance with the musics

Grateful that it didn't rain that night 

Just a few raindrops

Grateful to have the artistic day

with a new friend 

Just before I decided to go out and have a movie alone

When I was kinda down 

Then I got a companion

to spend a weekend with

(Friday night is a weekend to me 

Just like Sunday night is a weekday haha) 

棒棒嗒

说说高兴的事

今天早出门

上了巴士

发现有空位子坐

可以安然睡着

因为没有人站着旁边

大声聊天

到诊所

超可爱的老人家

还有家人

主动问我名字

之后还礼貌地称呼我

对于异族

实在难得

另一个病人的儿子

说话十分逗趣

跟他妈妈讲话像教导孩子

还会逗着叫她美女

那里最棒的是

看见亲情的温暖

超温馨

今天更棒的是

自己去吃了炒粿条

晚餐打包鸡饭

难得晚餐有着落

不用吃mamak

睡了三小时午觉

虽然发噩梦

现在半夜还很精神

但是还是棒棒嗒！ 

明天加油！

梦

昨晚是一场

美梦

梦里有片星空

像是钻石碎

撒在黑布上

第二次梦到很漂亮的天空

那是在天台看见的

楼下是个很暗的一个地方

都没有路灯

几乎看不见东西

梦的最后

我到了室内

上了升降梯

缓缓向上

里面有两个我认识却不算熟的人

挺意外

刚刚的午觉

睡了三小时

不是室友回来

恐怕还没醒

（真的太累）

三小时里

发了一场

悲恸的恶梦

也是第二次

梦到我麻死了

难过地哭

没有泪水

梦外也一样

只是嚎叫

能感觉我胸口

辛苦地呼吸

悲伤了很久很久

那把声音说

“我以为你已经能自己生活了”

不

无论怎样

我也不会准备好的

***

终于想到理由

为么梦里的记忆和细节

都想不起来

还会越久越忘记

如果现实和梦境

都同样清晰

恐怕

我分不清

梦里梦外

The stars in the dark sky

Kinda have the intuition

and had prepared mentally 

this morning

Wanted to hope everything went well today

Then took the idea back

Telling myself 

Everything is alright even if it goes wrong

No big deal

Then later this afternoon

All of the subjects of my research

didn't come 

Got to know it after I called the person in charge

when it was already half an hour past the time for the appointment

Not much feelings

Although everyone comforted me 

I'm still feeling ok

Not like the whole world collapsing 

A mixed feeling

Of relief and pity

I'm not really ready yet to collect data

But not collecting it now will cause me to have more troubles later

Perhaps to feelings cancelled out each other

So I feel at peace right now?

Or I'm simply too tired to have any feelings now

One thing I feel so grateful is that

The friends who have helped me

Be there for me

Even though they have things to be busy on

But they were there for me

This is what friends are all about

We have each other's backs

People often say

You will find the true friends during hard times 

The good outcome of this incident is that 

I know so many friends who are supportive of me

I can't be any luckier to have these people! 

A dream of traveling

Had a dream last night 

About I bought round trip flight ticket 

From KL to Siem Reap 

The price was very cheap like RM3 only

Later I found out 

That place was really creepy

and something uneasy about that place

Then the voice in me rationalized saying 

I wanted to go to Bangkok 

but bought wrongly (I thought the Siem is Siam and means Bangkok)

and had made the same mistake before

Just when I was so upset about it

( as I bought also round trip tickets from hometown to KL which were expensive) 

Then one of my friend said she could accompany me and she went there before

Relieved and gained the sense of security 

*** 

Repercussion of thinking to go travel alone for the next holiday

The idea sounds exciting and challenging 

Feeling like need to do something bold

But but but, money is the problem

Just couldn't afford to see

my account deducts 1k plus

Horrible!

Anyhow, still feeling like going somewhere

宵夜最棒

冷冷的夜晚

温温的夜宵

暖暖的胃

忍俊不禁的泪水

嘻笑爽朗地回响着

整个客厅

What a night! 

赏夜景

打算在这最后一年
走一走这一座城市

因此当我被邀去吉隆坡塔
还得到免费的观光票时
虽然隔天有clinic
而且周末还回家
刚下巴士
休息一下就出门
最后还是去了

时间是
伸缩自如的东西
一小时是能做三小时的事
扣掉发呆、游神、堕落
再扣睡眠时间
工作还是可以做完的

其他不多说
反正我很高兴可以去到那里
虽然走一圈
比我想象还要快很多
夜景很漂亮
但游客很多
室内的灯光太强
倒影太亮
破坏了风景

如果能在那样的高度
赏景
再吹吹夜风
听听街道的声音 （好像不会听到吧？哈哈）
多好

壮观，有木有？

特爱这座。可能是因为粉红色，可能因为常在电影里看到。

我可以看着看着，就发呆了。

感谢这位美女，帮我弄到票啦~

有像Frozen里的冰雕城堡~

Bucket list 又删一项愿望啦！

莫忘初衷

遇到瓶颈。
学长学姐都体验过同样的事
她说，你要比她更清楚你在做什么
他说，我们都走过来了
你也一定行的。

不能浪费时间后悔
当初是否做错了选择
反正怎样都要靠自己

不如花精神研究
怎么解决问题

既然选了这条路
我就要坚持走下去

***
感恩身旁的同伴
陪我做实验
帮我想解决方案

虽孤独
却不孤单

诗词

关于诗与声的关系。
诗里的韵调，也是诗的灵魂。

喜欢他的演讲，用字文雅，也喜欢他有腔调的咬字。

我想也不会有一个人对大众的期望，
竟然是花十八分钟，去读一首诗。
为什么十八分钟，不是一两分钟，我也很疑惑。
但他对于诗存在的意义，诠释得很特别。
为了传达爱。
诗在被朗读时，空气中的震动，传递着爱。

听他朗读着他写的诗，
满满的感动。

诗，是该被朗诵的。 一片杜鹃，他看见诗；一条河流，他看见生命。

只是一条普通的河，他竟然联想到在河口，像是生命的出口，流向大海。
诗人的意境。看一片风景，变成诗。

满天繁星下的海滩，他为学生的感动而感动。

真。的。很。想。当。他。的。学。生！
如果有这样的讲师，肯定爱死他。每天都很爱上他的课。

法文的那首诗
也是特有感觉。

很难想象，历史和艺术的学历背景，能造就美学这样东西。
而这样东西，也是他的成功之处。

让我想去学文学了。=\

Married

I wondered if that is me

in the next ten years time 

It gave me a chill 

Thinking of that

For all the troubles and hassles

I can't imagine how it's to be married

at this point

Maybe because there's no one to fill in my imagination 

It's like a show to me

An event that requires the teamwork

from the family to the staffs in the restaurant

To make it happen

What moved me was the video clip 

Showing the long run of the relationship

It has been so long

They travelled from place to place

Which is really sweet

It's like a story of two persons

Grow up in different places and different backgrounds 

Somehow at one point of their lives 

They met and they fell in love

It's not easy to love somebody

and to be loved back

It's even harder to get into relationship

And sustain it

I particularly love the stage performance of the night

The songs weren't those sick Chinese or Hokkien love songs

Most of it were oldies

Yeah, and it got "Wonderful tonight"

Which really worth to make a point of remembrance

I was there

to give my blessings 

Feel happy for them. 

Small gifts prepared by the newlywed 

which I thought was prepared by the restaurant 

They're wind bells by the way

How cute!

Hairdo- FOC 

Makeup - DIY

Dress - Mum's old dress xD

Really cheap outfits after all 

Just the flight and bus tickets cost me 

Not even can be covered by the red pocket given by the newlywed 

Yaiks 

A rainy night

Thankful to have him 

waited for me at the airport 

Brought me to eat lok lok 

as I craved 

and rushed for the movie

That night

it rained all night

I want to remember 

how it feels to sit in the car

With the air so cold

how the raindrops carved their patterns

on the windows

and the late night soothing musics

playing in the air

It's a pleasant night

Even though 

later the question arose

How could someone 

Physically attend to someone

while mentally attend to others

It's like having a person without the spirit

Or having the spirit without seeing in person

Which is sadder, I wonder

Somehow I'm greed, I realized 

I just can't accept having two persons

Which makes it

Weird to me

Perhaps 80% confessing to one person

Is the maximum we should set for a person

That's how they play it

Because 100% will cause a burden

and too much reliance

Perhaps.

The wait

How could it be so beautiful?

The sky makes the planes look like tiny birds

The rain makes the air taste so good

How could it be so peaceful?

Even though the machinery noise is rumbling

but I feel absolute calmness

Sitting here,

Watching the planes take off

Who to share this moment

How to imprint this moment to my memory

Being alone always enables me 

to find calmness

Maybe because that's when 

everything precipitates emerge

Feeling grateful that

my memory and sense of direction

aren't that bad after all

Reached the airport early

Had a few hours of waiting

But the wait wasn't unbearable 

as I took my own sweet time

and found a really good spot

to spend time

contemplating 

Waiting is not meaningless

if you know someone is waiting for you

to go back

***

滴水穿石

受得了我的冷酷
才是依然留下来的人

曾经质疑
但如今豁然开朗

不是每一个人
适合留下

这些对我
不离不弃的人儿
难怪我那么爱他们

至于自我保护意识
或许会有那么一个人
让我安心得卸下防备

原来，过了那么久

喜欢上一个人
和放下一个人
唯一的共同点是
都在不知不觉中

Phone calls

There're always voices

that once you listen to it

The voices stirred something up

in you

that made you wanna weep

inside

The voices of care and love.

Screwed?

Don't know which one,

I'm guilty for, more- 

The works that I left aside,

Feeling sorry for the girl,

or being moved once again.

It's always the minute before

going to the different direction

Start to spark

Or blow out

Why. 

Mute for awhile

Just put the worries aside

It's Friday night.

Perhaps I shall go watch movie tomorrow.

She said,

Flying off the handle

doesn't help anyway 

It'll only make her hate herself

So I gulped gulped and gulped

Kept quiet.

It's more than the reasons of

the bad weather today,

the tough day,

the lack of sleep,

the wifi is still down...

I shall keep quiet.

I deserve the smiles and laughs

Actions and words

You nailed it

What else can I say?

The best thing in my life

is to have you

加油！

不进则退！不进则退！

我要努力得自己都佩服自己！

加油！

Pessimistically optimistic

I once asked

How do you think of me

Independent

Not a sadist

I guess that's pretty close

 for it's from a person who only knows me for a few years

If you ask me

I'm a realistic dreamer

Pessismistically optimistic

It's the pessimism of the reality

that makes me an optimistic dreamer

Though people find it hard to accept

The way I write

The way I text

They look too superficially

To me

They're neutral sentences

that contain hopes and positivity

To motivate myself

Being too positive 

Is feeling fake to me

They can't look beyond

As I am too opaque to look through

Wishing me to have someone

who I can express myself with?

I'm expressing myself 

in different angles

At different time

With different people

Maybe it's not what you're looking for

Or maybe it's really me

But for now

I just accept who I'm 

which needs no approval nor

acceptance from other people

Whether you like it or not

Whether I like it or not

I'm born this way

and I'm making efforts to become better

Reasoning skill on where the fallen object at

It comes with experience
like seriously I have lost a lot of things!

Car parking ticket,
audiological result of my patient,
and just now a memo

Ah~ compensatory strategy it is
for my carelessness

莫忘初衷

身边很多朋友
都朝着梦想前进
虽然缓慢、艰辛
总会觉得很累
反复问自己
是否是对的方向
开始迷失

但我想说
我会默默祝福他们
为他们加油打气
因为我深知
不容易

生命
是自己一人的旅程
总会有时候
觉得孤独

与其想着
自己是如何孤寂
倒不如 想想
那些有伴的时刻

每一个人
陪你走一段路
都值得庆祝
值得珍惜

孤独不可怕
只怕 你连那些有伴的记忆
都否定得干净

***

至于 我
也要好好加油
与懒虫、失眠虫、疲惫虫
好好对抗
才行

Losing a phone

It's almost a bad dream again

Was at beside the road

Wanted to cross 

There was a kiosk 

Where a dark-skinned man

Selling phones over the glass counter

Then I realized my phone wasn't in my pocket

Terrible feeling

It must had been stolen

I thought 

I don't know how but in the dream

I managed to call my phone

and one of the phone displaying in the glass counter was ringing

It was followed by the feeling of 'I knew it'

I still don't know how but I broke the glass

and got back my phone

The prominent feeling for the dream?

Insecurity. 

Stop self-judging

I need to love myself
accept myself having flaws
but still worthy

Self-acceptance
Self-worthy

Even though I'm improving myself
but don't be too harsh on myself

Just accept myself
like I accept others
as an ordinary human being
Worthy.

I can't compare myself to other people
I'm just me,
the only one. =]

变得更强大

生活不会变得更容易，

但我可以变得更强大！

我可以的！

早安～ 今天要有好心情！

Fix it

要学好好说话

或许真的选词不当

锐利直接

惯用的手法

喜欢修饰

也惯于修饰

只是为了掩饰

从前的“文言文”

到现在勉强可以理解的

白话

也是朋友提醒

根本不知道我在写什么

城府越挖越深

习惯当作没事

忽视之后

健忘的我

还是会被骗得过去

一下下的

直到又遇到同样的刺激

又爆发失控的情绪

到现在依然觉得自己

是个刺猬

为了以后 为了自己

要忍痛拔掉身上的刺

要卸下武装

需要多大的勇气

况且

没人在乎

所以也少提了

就算提了

得到建议

只有自己明白

身不由己

引起别人不必要的操心

还是免了

习惯了自己承受

连开口求助

都难为情

这种能解决自己解决的个性

怎样说改就改？

窃笑

恋爱中的女人
变得特没有安全感
特神经质
特敏感

就是想很多！

哈哈

幸灾乐祸呐

***

虐心

看悲惨收场的故事

感觉糟透了

搞得自己心情不好

看欢喜的故事

感觉太虚幻

简直就是种讽刺

这种自虐可真犯贱

*** 

置身在故事情节里

那种冷漠

真的能够让人瞬间化成冰

冷漠 是很好的礼物

结成冰淇淋

还能吃

多好

***

Long nightmare

One good thing about dreaming is that
I can remember nothing about the details
other than it was a nightmare
A long one, which was really terrible
but the ending was good
(Perhaps I somehow managed to save myself-
my consciousness usually will pull myself out from the dream
if it was too scary
Bad quality of sleep, yeah)

Every night I will dream
The thing is
I already felt bad in reality
in my dreams, I didn't seem better

Luckily I'm all fine in the morning =]

就这样吧

如果你只喜欢光鲜亮丽的我
怎么能陪我熬过最灰暗的时刻？

Judgemental

Despite our best efforts, we all judge others. It might be over small things, like a co-worker who took too long of a lunch break. Or it might be over bigger issues, such as a person who behaves selfishly or hurts our feelings. 
Psychologist and meditation teacher Tara Brach frequently tells this story: Imagine you are walking through the woods and you see a small dog. It looks cute and friendly. You approach and move to pet the dog. Suddenly it snarls and tries to bite you. The dog no longer seems cute and you feel fear and possibly anger. Then, as the wind blows, the leaves on the ground are carried away and you see the dog has one of its legs caught in a trap. Now, you feel compassion for the dog. You know it became aggressive because it is in pain and is suffering.
What can we learn from this story? How can we become less judgmental? 

1. Don’t blame yourself. We are instinctively hard-wired for survival. When we see a dog (or a person) that might bite us (literally or metaphorically), of course we feel threatened. We go into fight-flight-freeze mode, and are unable to see the myriad possible reasons for another’s behavior. We get tight and defensive. This is a normal first reaction. The key is to pause before we act out of this mode.
2. Be mindful. Although judgment is a natural instinct, try to catch yourself before you speak, or send that nasty email and do any potential harm. You can’t get your words back. Pause. See if you can understand where the person may be coming from. Try to rephrase your critical internal thought into a positive one, or at least a neutral one. After all, like that dog in the trap, we really don’t know the reasons for someone’s behavior.
3. Depersonalize. When someone disagrees with us or somehow makes our life difficult, remember that it’s typically not about us. It may be about their pain or struggle. Why not give others the benefit of the doubt? “Never underestimate the pain of a person," Will Smith said, "because in all honesty, everyone is struggling. Some people are better at hiding it than others.”
4. Look for basic goodness. This takes practice, as our minds naturally scan for the negative, but if we try, we can almost always find something good about another person.
5. Repeat the mantra, “Just like me.” Remember, we are more alike than different. When I feel critical of someone, I try to remind myself that the other person loves their family just like I do, and wants to be happy and free of suffering, just like I do. Most important, that person makes mistakes, just like I do.
6. Reframe. When someone does something you don’t like, perhaps think of it as they are simply solving a problem in a different way than you would. Or maybe they have a different timetable than you do. This may help you be more open-minded and accepting of their behavior. The Dalai Lama says: “People take different roads seeking fulfillment and happiness. Just because they're not on your road doesn't mean they've gotten lost.”  
7. Look at your own behavior.Sometimes, we may be judging someone for something that we do ourselves, or have done. For example, the next time you find yourself yelling at someone while you’re driving, ask yourself, “Have I ever driven poorly?” Of course, we all have.
8. Educate yourself. When people do things that are annoying, they may have a hidden disability. For example, some people with poor social skills may have Asperger’s syndrome. So if someone’s invading your personal space (as someone with Asperger’s might), remember again, it’s not about you. Albert Einstein said, “Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.” 
9. Give the person the benefit of the doubt. Someone once told me, no one wakes up in the morning and says, "I think I'm going to be a jerk today." Most of us do the best we can with the resources we have at the moment.
10. Feel good about you. Brene´ Brown says: “If I feel good about my parenting, I have no interest in judging other people's choices. If I feel good about my body, I don't go around making fun of other people's weight or appearance. We're hard on each other because were using each other as a launching pad out of her own perceived deficiency.”

And finally, remember that judging a person does not define who they are, it defines who you are.

~ Psychology Today

*** 

People tend to make conclusions

about one's personality

Based on his/her actions

Why I dislike to do so

is because there're always risks of

Getting wrong

I would rather take things as it's

How a person is

shouldn't affect how you treat them

So why judge?

Companion

Because getting along with another person

You need to lose some bits of yourself

To compromise, to tolerate, to commit.

Some aren't aware of the choice

They follow the flow

Some are too aware of it

They resist

But don't lose yourself completely

Your soul will be awake

and it wants to find back the pieces

that it loses along the way. 

Being ordinary

The best thing being an ordinary person is

I can always find similarities with another person

I'm very neutral in the sense that

Unless it's a very extreme person

I can see myself in the person I meet

They have the flaws that I have

The thoughts, the reactions, the feelings

that I once had or am having

So I can understand

Feeling lucky and blessed to be me,

A very lay man

一日之际

最高兴莫过于

吃好吃的早餐 ❤️

说不清

你心里有个真理

我心里有个真理

你说你的道理

我说我的

真实是什么

还重要么？

要安定不要乱

想起 为我洗车镜的他
在我投诉下雨天车镜很蒙 之后
二话不说 拿起肥皂水
徒手洗刷

一直提醒自己
是幸福的
只怕幸福太短暂

每一次跟他出去吃饭
都在想 到底还剩下多少次

最近情绪起伏
看着被铲平的地
失去的感觉太强烈

需要多少时间
山成秃
木板屋成高楼
天空不再蓝？

22岁的我
面对第一个现实的冲击
（虽然之前的冲击 是没本事到国外念书
因此也懊恼许久）
价值观 形成当中
却不成形
也是我感到困惑的原因

总会有答案的
太多的忠告
太多的例子和参考
都不知如何运用
毕竟每一个人的故事
都不一样

我该做点什么了
却不知道
该做点什么

现在的我
一无所知

从没想过拯救世界
因为根本不是女侠

所以只好
小心翼翼保护好
内心世界
不慌不乱
安安定定
就好

I can do better

平复了情绪

Actually I've calm myself down

There's a saying 

When you live in the future

It brings fear

And I'm afraid to grow up

to live by my own

to imagine I'm all alone

The thought really saddens me

There's a law of attraction between people who are alike

So I got to talk someone who is really special

In the sense that he actually practices 

Controlling his mind and heart

Well not that he has succeeded every time 

He's as impressed as myself

that we actually discussed about this philosophical topic

We're just ordinary persons

Calming ourselves in every way that we could 

Knowing all the sayings

But having hard time to do it

He'll be fine 

His 'level' is quite high

I'm still learning to improve

my internal world

抓不住的爱

我真的很爱我爸
我真的很爱我妈
也真的很爱我姐

但为什么
不真实感
再次袭击

抓不住的感觉
很可怕
很像一下子
一切都会消失不见

弯曲的路
朦胧的车镜
最深沉的对话

总感觉时间不多

心疼 心疼
我也不知道
为什么而伤心
只是 很想哭

很蠢很笨很无助
很无力

我只希望
我爱的人
都快乐
平安健康

“ 有些事情，就像壶里的水，

熬着熬着，或许就想开了也不一定。”

好励志，有木有~

跟自己说话

等待着打字。。。 

几可爱下

欲望

就算穷到一种程度
依然抵挡不住
价廉物美的衣服

想想
什么都不介意了
能赚到钱
养得起自己
其他的 都算了吧

梦想 穷不起
该庆幸 还有一个专业
钱 太难赚
生活 不容易过
特别是
想想
还有几十年

是不是
穷人看钱看得很淡
跟富人把钱看得很重
道理是一样？

后知后觉

"时间真的很好，让痛的不再痛了，让放不下的放下了。 一切我都看清了。 只是偶尔还是会不小心发呆，不小心想起，不小心泪流满面。 但我已经能接受这个事实，你已经和时间一起 都过去了。"

***

其实 真的很好奇

怎么撑过去的

或许生活就是这样

现在的煎熬

过了

就忘了

无论多么辛苦

曾经

现在。

溺水

这里
被我漆上

一层 又一层的
蓝色

浩瀚的海水
我

沉入








海底。

锥心之痛

有人失恋了。

花生什么树？

荒谬得可笑

如果有人问

现在过得怎样

我应该不知该如何回答

觉得感恩

觉得特珍惜所有的一切

因为一无所有

所以其他的都是得

想说

却说不出口

难处在哪儿

忧虑什么

我连写都写不出

什么样的心情

实在形容不出

不悲不喜

仿佛不在经历着

仿佛不知道在经历什么

仿佛一场梦

The difference between giving up and letting go. Giving up is sacrificing what was rightfully yours, letting go is forgetting what was never yours.

Drained out

天空一直下着雨

雨滴落一滴一滴

是把我淋得清醒些

***

犹如一瓶开了盖的红酒

开始蒸发

味道慢慢变

放着 也是浪费了

*** 

I'm too weak to fight back

Giving in

to the sea of emotions

***

The ironic thing is that

in this condition

I actually gained weight for 1 kg

无助的时刻

才说回答了试题

这次竟然大考

一开始 情绪不稳定

忙了一下之后

总算把坏情绪搁一边

我只想为我自己的身体和心灵

健康负责

其他的事

还是别管了

才以为

一切会平复下来

但看来还要烦很久

我只想好好放一假

不该背负的

我不想理会

但看来我没有选择

本来想找人聊聊天

可惜我连想说什么

都想不到

要如何开口

要如何解释

我又希望从别人口中

得到怎样的安慰？

还是解决方法？

最无助的事

根本没有所谓的解决方法

只能等待时间

把一切化解

把自己想像

快死了

一切都不重要了

但这个“快乐的技巧”

回到现实

反而更加有落差

可惜还是要面对

可惜它依然很重要

Realizations

Bathroom is the best place to think
I can't agree more.

How I wish I can write down
every single thoughts of mine

Having difficulty to recall them right now...

***

有自觉的人，才能自省
有自省能力的人，比较容易改变
然后蜕变。

又是时候，回到一种模式
回答自我的人生试题

被挑战，之前心中写好的答案；
被问，从来没想过的问题；
被灌输，新的思想和看法。

从前的疑惑，
开始有头绪，
但我依然在找寻
更好的答案
不同的诠释

我喜欢
自己这样的状态
去思考
但不执著于找到绝对的答案
也不急于写下所有领悟

***

对于 机会
依然是 一样的态度
机会来了
就把握
不用想太多

因为 无论如何
都会是一种收获
教训 也是种收获

***

"Adventure is not finding a new place
but it's having a new view. "
~ TED

依然在学习和调适
心态和视野的角度

记得 很喜欢一个故事
一个妻子从窗口望出去
看见邻家晒着的衣服
常常都很脏
因而对邻家有偏见

有一天 丈夫把窗口抹了一遍
之后 才发现 肮脏的
不是邻家的衣服
而是自家的玻璃窗

另一则 是我自己的故事
前年 我很怕也很讨厌一个supervisor
只要是她的clinics 就会紧张然后做不好
总觉得是她偏心 对我有偏见
人又凶 不友善
严厉又挑剔

之后跟她的一个朋友
对她的印象却很好
说她很幽默
常常跟我说 在她的教导之下
学到很多

我还真的不敢相信
那是同一个人
觉得或许她变了？

今年我又拿到她了
或许是受到朋友的话的影响
或许我的技术已经稍微成熟
或许是 出去外面走一遍后
知道 有人肯指导你
是一件庆幸的事
也是当一位学生才有的福分

渐渐开始发觉
朋友对她的评语
无不道理

因为我对她的恐惧
常常把她的玩笑
当作责备
因为我不习惯她的方式
而倍感压力

结论：
别人对你的好
会被你的偏见和无知
抹杀

***

关于Parenthood

以前的观念是
一个人
没有选择的权利
对于 谁是父母
在哪里出世
贫穷或富贵

当一个孩子
是多么无奈的事

常常都会听到
直到你成为别人的父母
你就会懂得其中的道理

现在 才懂得
作为父母的焦虑与担忧
别说别的
就说 选择
父母也不能选择
可以拥有怎样的一个孩子
健康出生
健康成长
安全平安
乖乖听话
找到工作 养活自己
最后 找到可以照顾他的人
托付终身

当你知道
一个小孩
从怀孕到出生
可以有多少可能性
发生多少问题
而引起残疾

还有一个人
可以通过多少方式
而得病
死法可以有多少种
多荒谬

虽然担心这些是多余的
但想要表达的只是
当一个父母
也是很无奈

***

Another thing is that
You don't learn how to be a parent
then only be a parent
You don't learn how to love
then only fall in love
Just like you don't need to learn
how to experience pain
in order to feel pain

There's no preparation class for everything
This is why this is life
irreversible
one-take
but the lessons will be encountered
again and again
until you can cope with it
and the next time you face it
you can handle it

We learn along the way
This is why
I'm not ready yet
is not a good reason
for rejection

I'll accept what comes in my way

快乐 自己负责

道出我最近理解的事

随手捡来的一本书

《拉自己一把 这就是你的人生》

何权峰 著

Saddest comic I've even seen so far =[

Crazy while young and stay crazy till old

Went up to Genting at night

to have this really long walk

*Imagining I was in the movie, Before Sunset,

where the two persons walk and walk while talking

for the whole time along the way.

But well, not in my case

Silence crept in once in awhile 

but no awkwardness that I could feel*

Mystery solved.

Finally found the hanging lights in the sky 

that I can see from the window of my room

which are actually the street lights beside the road

heading to Genting

The night view was awesome

though I wish to sit near the edge to watch it

Too bad couldn't find any

Got into the casino for the first time

Easier to get in than I've imagined

Aha! of course

I'm legal XP

It's totally the adult playground

So these are the faces of gamblers?

Many foreigners that I could hear ( the accent)

It's exciting even to realise 

the casino is probably the only place

with the most number of CCTV around

It also reminds me of the computer game

I once played as a child

The spinning wheel thingy excited me

exactly the same

My friend once told me the only good thing 

and the only thing that we the visit-for-eye-opening visitors

can do in the casino

is to have the free drinks!

I was like really looking for it

once imagined it would be like on a long table with white table-cloth 

there are these buffet-like drinks arranging on it

But I didn't find any

only got to drink plain water from a water dispenser

and hurried to get out

as the smoke inside was making me so uncomfortable

Actually the highland is much larger than I'd known

only to learn that after walking from one end to the other end

Not feeling cold maybe due to the exercise that warmed my body up

and walking is certainly my thing 

especially when I have training everyday recently

It felt like those old days

The thing I can link to it is short trip

family trip, school trip, concert trip and sem break trip

Feeling the feeling of excitement when I was a child

Maybe 5 years old?

Playing at the theme park

wearing those thick jacket

and posing around to take photos

but I didn't take any photos that night

Quite amazing that it's more than theme park and hotels only

There's this maze-like park upstairs

which had those couples sitting under the dim light

and surprisingly it has more starbucks and coffee beans than I knew

A cup of Americano and a chicken pie

at midnight

on the highland

The live band singing All of Me

at the place like in other country

Where you can run into couples

with the highest rate in this country

But I can't remember seeing any

Alright

too much censored for this

Not sure if I can recall any of that

in the future

or now

Oblivious I always am

Really have trouble writing this out actually

Not sure if it's due to my poor memory

or I just try not to recalling it

Anyway,

I'm grateful (and other mixed feelings) 

to have this experience

and memories of that night

***

Crazy things must be done at night 

I guess it's how I define it?

Or the other way round,

I define it by the experiences that I have

The events happened to be at night

Spontaneous act and mood of watching

the long-postponed-date-for movie

just an hour before the movie

Got to the bus station

wanted to take the bus

which was JUST RIGHT THERE

with the driver just inside and the door closed

but the light was off

and the driver was sleeping or playing on phone 

inside that bus and didn't seem want to depart at all

After had been waiting for quite some time

time was running out

Two Arabian tourists asked for directions

Same destination as us

They too waited together with us

When we decided to give up on the bus and take the free bus

At the moment I wanted to wave for the bus

the Arabian man called on us

then the bus just passed by right in front of us

The men invited us to take taxi together

wanting us to show them the way to take taxi

Wanted to reject but really couldn't 

If they were bad guys

we're totally dead by now

Very anxious and worried at that moment

but still followed them unwillingly

well we did reject them but they were so determined

Not just because of safety but we really didn't feel like wasting money to take taxi

After being rejected by many taxi

which I still don't know why they weren't fetching us

I was thinking to use that as excuse to get away

Then the fatter Arabian said 'We'll get it this time'

and we really got into the last taxi

The fatter man was trying to have some conversations

but I answered with limited replies

It's just not the right time to make friends or something

Even thought of sending out emergency text in that taxi

but hold back 'cause worried that he might ask for my number =.= 

When we got there the men paid for the fares

Sometimes, you'll just be amazed that not all people are bad

If you believe in good

and lucky enough to be right, most importantly

We looked horrible XD

I insisted to take photos since we were there

Wanting to visit around KL during this final year actually

but not seems to find any kaki to accompany me

By chance we went there

I got excited to see the towers

just like the first time

I think even more excited than before

Although I always can see them from far

but being lit up like that

it's just gorgeous!

*** 

Anyway, still feeling not right to walk on the street

in this city at night

Though I didn't have much sense of danger

Just very worried

It's weird to feel safe 

in a dangerous city

Maybe I'm just too young

or too dumb

to not have the fear 

***

It's been a long time

I didn't consider myself to do crazy things

I like it actually,

once in awhile =]