鸡尾酒派对

原本我已经打了半篇的文章
全没了
只好重打

*
来到电影节开幕
看看这场面
瞬间后悔把自己带到了这境地

各种酒精 甜点面包
出席的人 白发苍苍
找了找 年轻人屈指可数
还以为会有很多学生

西装笔挺 长裙高跟
好在我选了套裙 （原想要穿牛仔算了）
只是颜色粉嫩 成了全场最年轻的美眉

我幽幽扮悠悠地游走在人群中
大家成双结对
还异国风味

第一个搭上的是位 白发苍苍
退休中学化学老师
带了两位 也是白发苍苍
脸框发型都饼印似的姐妹 一同出席
不是第一年参加这活动
进会员只为了看看电影

跟我重复了几次 可以到柜台换一整个星期的电影票
还说那有颜色的糕饼很特别 （是马卡龙）

我在人群中找到下个目标：
同学
不懂我的英文太差 还是她真听不懂
每次聊聊一下 聊不下去

见到我的老师
她介绍了身边男友
心想长得真像某电影里的男主 （小失望）
打完招呼一转头 就中断了joint attention

一个身旁的人跟我聊起话来
原以为他是侍者 （刚好跟今晚的侍者装了肤色）
才知道 人家是工程师 外国留学工作七年
刚回国两个月
自称外语不同等级 （在我说我是初学之后）

然后见到有个高瘦白的青年
这时 老师介绍说是之前的学生
这位仁兄 一直喝了几杯香槟
我搭一下话 他就很忙地找吃去了
心想没什么趣
后来见到原来他跟他的妈妈一同来
我也不烦人家了
惊讶的是 之后他有主动跟我聊几句

话说回来 眼前来了个卷头灰发的男士
他跟面对的女士 用共同语言交流起来
他们就在我的左右来回 聊得甚欢
过了一阵子 自己失礼 小圈圈里没人听得懂他们家乡话
就转换成国际语言英语 说着
这酒高级 喝下去喉咙很顺
然后开始很有兴致问起同学话来
话题之间 同学唐突地说 他张得一副像他的国人
他澄清其实他混了欧洲很多沾血
打趣地说 在这场合自己特表现出是国人的样子
之后 很像电影里 舞会上 他礼貌地向同学丈夫 借了他妻子
丈夫在他们走之后风情地说 记得还回来就行了
钥匙在他那儿呢

丈夫问了近况 还邀我进他的团队
学历背景没关系
然后我开始问起他们的爱情故事
有时候 羡煞旁人的爱情
不是刻意表现
却在言行中流露

我忘了说 他长得跟我印象/看过的德国人
有胜一筹

最后一个在这故事里的人
是我【问】了不到五个问题 我就放弃
直视荧幕专注看电影
他坐在我左边的仁兄
第一句话 可以讲中文吗
我心凉了一半

我右手边的女人 （也在这故事里但我没跟她说话）
看着戏 一边对着身边的老公 给点戏中的意见
电影里有只四脚蛇出现 她吓得像看鬼片 遮着脸

忘了说
白发苍苍的退休老师的得知我独自来
说我很勇敢 出来socialize 也好

不甘平凡

似乎有过这念头

I want my life to be unique

才会在 闻到重复乏味时
立刻焦虑想逃

Où est ma vie

I know I have to build my life
I know I have to go out and try, but try what?

I know what it seems dark ahead
is just because the dawn has yet come
but I am lost in the wood

Head on knees
I stay still

without looking
I could imagine
every shades and shadows of the trees ahead

I am afraid to take another step

'It won't be the same, it will be better' is voiced over by
'It will be still the same thing happening.'

Minutes ago
I was exhilarated by figuring out
finding a way to fill the void
before I have to get up and run
to make myself feel better
I'm not wasting the whole year of my year 25

I have no crazy ideas in my mind
but loathe the dullness

I am alone,
always be.

I have to remember that.

I can't tell which is worse
The loneliness in a foreign city
or the one in the heart of home

One thing I can be sure of is
we are all lonely
one way or the other
sometimes or all the time

A journey to find the motivation and interests: 1 year review

Reviewed my post last year here

Now I understand that
those chicken rice uncles, those cleaner aunties
it is not that they don't have motivation to be better
They are just doing what they can do,
because it is too difficult for them to change, to learn a new skill
to have another life
They are doing what they can do and feel somewhat good with the job

I have seen many elderly patients
some are rich, retired and do nothing at home
some are poor, struggling to make ends meet
some are really poor, relying on subsidy and do nothing as well
Life can be really hard
They don't dream to be millionaire when it comes to their age
They aren't motivated to learn new skills, which means to start over again and takes a lot of time to master
They are living their lives, with substitution
just to pass one day and another

Is it meaningless?
Are they useless?
They don't dream
like all those 'advices' and 'quotes' telling you
(the younger generation who are reading on social media)
Dare to dream, just do it, you lose if you are doing nothing

The world has changed to an extent that
Too much information to process
Too many works to do (even if we are more productive than last century)
(I don't even want to mention why we are more productive but still doing a lot of works)
Too many decisions to make
Too competitive (due to globalization?)

We can't blame the world
The people from last century would blame war
Who and what should we blame now?

Once I thought
I can be anything, I don't have to stuck in one path
but I forgot I can't do everything
I thought,
I can achieve more, I have more to give and utilize
but when more is draining out all my energy
I lost myself
and the balance

I can find many articles relatable
I have been trying to justify I left
but it is hard to explain
to people when they ask why

Many judgements and self-doubts
that any answer that I give
just showing I am weak
or I don't know how to handle life
or I am simply Y generation

Looking people around
I am truly surprised
They can work for 12 hours in stressful condition
and still seem fine
They can live in a small room, spending all the off work time there,
cooking in the kitchen with the smell of dog's poos

I was told that if you have a goal in mind
all of that doesn't matter

Is that really so?
But they have choice, no?

Maybe I am just abusing the choice of freedom
and becoming the victim of the consequences

Some view working as a tool to gain money
and freedom to buy whatever they want
Perhaps many fall under this category
This is why material possessions being showed off
and where vacation is luxury
because everybody else is working like crazy

When I did too much
I was anxious
Now I do nothing
I am anxious too

Finding a job is exhausting
getting reject is disappointing
What do they say? Keep trying

I think my self doubts and denying
are trying to destroy
every explanation (reasons/excuses) I give to myself

Before that
I felt I should start now before it's too late
as I grow older, I am losing time to learn and motivation to start again
And now
I do nothing
I am limiting myself with the external limitations

Just like any other long holidays as I recall

Speaking of happiness and contented
An autism adult is happy to work in the coffee shop
he finds purpose in life as he is able to do the job, using his potential
A drug addict is happy to work in the call centre
he finds himself useful to be able to spend time working, instead of taking drugs

It would be different, if it was you.
You won't think the same, feel the same.

Maybe is the self-awareness of your full potential,
or the perception of the society which influences how you view yourself

So, my question is
What should I do?

Decisions

"The average person makes about 35,000 decisions every day—from choosing an outfit to deciding which seat to take at a meeting. In fact, we make 200 judgments each day about food alone."

Was it an emotional decision? I am sure I was:
Hungry
Angry
Lonely
Tired

(refer article here)

I have kept pondering why and what's wrong. One thing I know for sure is it was too hard to bear.

Reality Check: The Three Minutes Heat Project

Just to update

While organizing my room
found lots of postcards and gifts
It feels like time has stopped for more than 1 year

There was a notebook
Written after my Hangzhou trip
I always feel
I write better back then
 Just as how I feel I look better XD

It is always nostalgic when cleaning things up
祝福冻结了时间
成了永恒

Currently I am watching videos on programming
Got a freelance cheap labor job for 5 USD
to watch videos with a Taiwanese

Let's call this 3 Mins Heat Project of mine
i.e. Another blog to be opened

PS. It is really sweet when someone loves my writings!

Quarter Life Crisis: Setting up Routine

Hell yeah!

Wanted to be bad and rock n' roll
Dyed the hair,
 but not bleaching enough

Wanted to clean up the mess in my room
Done half way,
 totally too lazy to continue

So I am RE-writing my resolution

1. Read, read and read everyday. Target: 2 books/month
2. Clean up the room 15 mins everyday. Target: no more mess by next month
3. Be pretty and healthy. Make fruit juices, eat vegetables, doll up and dress up.
4. I need to write my travel blog .................................. so lazy to dig up the photos and my memories

Being the Alchemist

I knew this would happened
I knew I am not that kind of person
I have planned to go wander in Tibet
after I am too lost in the boring work life

This day has come
but I am not going to Tibet

Instead,
I am going back to fix things
It is harder than fixing my life
but today I realized
it always has been a burden
that I never put down

I have to do this
at the same time
To find my Self

At the end of journey
I might just find the treasure
at the back of my garden