In the beginning the thoughts of what could happen were always there. They were what drove me to my knees each morning and again each night....my frequent and fervent plea to my Father in Heaven, "Please, keep him safe." He would walk out the door in the early hours of the morning and as the door would close behind him my heart would skip a beat. "Please, keep him safe". For the next twenty-four or forty-eight or ninety-six hours I would try to convince myself that "it won't happen to him". It was back then that "the list" was born.
It won't happen to him because...
He is young.
He has a wife.
We are newlyweds.
Bad stuff doesn't happen in this department.
He is careful.
He is well trained.
I followed his days on the radio we had at home. I was always grateful when I would hear the dispatcher say "respond Code 1" following the tones. Tones followed by "respond Code 3" always made me anxious. The morning he would return home meant four glorious days during which the thoughts could move to the back of my mind. Those four days or ninety-six hours or five thousand seven hundred and sixty seconds would go by so fast. "Please, keep him safe".
Eventually days turned into weeks and weeks into months and those thoughts, while still there, began to spend more time hidden in the back of my mind. Five months after we were married we discovered we were expecting our first child. I added that to the list.
It won't happen to him because...
He is young.
He has a wife.
We are newlyweds.
Bad stuff doesn't happen in this department.
He is careful.
He is well trained.
I am pregnant.
When our first child was born it was as if we were right back in the beginning. All of the thoughts and fears resurfaced. "Please, keep him safe."
It won't happen to him because...
He is young.
He has a wife.
We are newlyweds.
Bad stuff doesn't happen in this department.
He is careful.
He is well trained.
We have a baby.
It didn't take long for the days to turn into weeks and the weeks into months. And the thoughts again worked their way to the back of my mind. The cycle repeated when we welcomed our second child. "Please, keep him safe".
It won't happen to him because...
He has a wife.
Bad stuff doesn't happen in this department.
He is careful.
He is well trained.
We have a baby.
We have two/three/four kids.
Then along came that day. The one that hit me like a ton of bricks and shook me to my very core. September 11, 2001. As the reality of what had happened unfolded, I wept. Over the next few days the media reported about the firefighters (and police officers and civilians) that had lost their lives. They would briefly say something about each of them...
"He was young."
"He was a newlywed."
"He was well trained."
"He was always so cautious."
"He leaves behind a pregnant wife."
"He leaves behind one/two/three/four/five children."
The list, in an instant, became completely invalid. Not one of those things granted us immunity to tragedy. Deep down I never believed they did.
It won't happen to him because...
On the 12th Anniversary of 9/11, I am grateful for those men who looked fear in the face and ran up those stairs. I am grateful for the men and women who serve along side my husband and give 110% to those that call out to them for help in their darkest hour.
"Please, keep them safe".
list noun, 1) names of different things written down one after another, verb, 2) to order things by writing them down in sequence
