Surprise happiness

At work driving up the hill, I see the step-dad's pickup with a little short haired head in the passenger seat, just high enough so that I can tell that it's him. I slow down as I pass the old grey truck turning all of my attention to waiving at him and making sure he can see me, I believe I was waiving with both hands. I had to look like a kid his age when he gets a toy he really likes. We went by too fast to tell if he noticed. So passed him again on another street and he can see me coming this time. They go in front of us and he is focused and waiving like crazy and I'm waiving like crazy, it's like we're mirror images of each other, we both look silly no doubt but it's worth it to let him know I love him.

To see him get so excited to see me just makes my life worth living.

She's the one

She's the one that guided me through the pain.

She's the one that put the band aid on my cuts and scrapes.

She's the one that held me when I was scarred.

She's the one that taught me how to do laundry and cook.

She's the one that gave me advice on life.

She's the one that was sad cause I was sad.

She's the one that told me when I was wrong.

She's the one that saved all my pictures.

She's the one that was by my side when my friends weren't.

She's my mother and I thank her for all she's done for me. Love you mom.

It fades

We went to the movie for the first time together. It starts after we get nice and comfortable I put my arm around her grasping her left shoulder gently with the palm of my hand. It feels so right, it feels so nice, it feels so comfortable, but will it be forever? Is this feeling going to last or is it just the feeling of being with someone nice after being alone for a while?

The movie ends... we sit in the care and talk for a little bit. Then we decide to go to the music store she's looking at books, I'm looking at cd's. The feelings get stronger, they get deeper and I am so excited but don't show it (must hide it.) We head home on our twenty minute drive. It's quiet at first but then the silence is broken. She begins to speak I really enjoy the sound of her voice. I chime in with a few "yeahs and mmhhmms" but thats about it. I drop her off at her house, no kiss, not on the first date, for this fool is to shy to make the move.

A couple of months go by, we are now saying "I love you" to each other. We are never apart, whether it's my place or hers. Then something starts happening. I don't enjoy her voice, I don't enjoy her pretty eyes starring at me, I don't enjoy sitting with her on the couch, I don't enjoy making her dinner, I don't enjoy waking up next to her every morning. Something went wrong somewhere and I don't know what happened. All I know is I don't enjoy her anymore.

So I let it go for a month or two hoping it will get better but it never does. It just gets worse and worse. It gets to the point where I'm avoiding her, screening her calls at work because I don't want to talk to her anymore.

I come home one day and she says we need to talk. We both know whats going to happen, we both have known these feelings were fading for some time now. It takes all of sixty seconds to say what needed to be said by both of us. She packs up her stuff and is out of the house in about half an hour.

Just like that it's over, she's gone. I have a slight feeling of sadness with an overwhelming feeling of relief. "It's finally over" I tell myself in my head. Like it was so damn painfull. But it wasn't, it was great for a while and then it just faded like the fog on a fall morning. It just slowly went away.

So now I ask myself why this happened. How could I be so happy at the beginning and then be so missireable at the end? I have no damn clue.

live laugh love

Ok so its been over a year since i've posted anything on here so I felt like i should either write or close my account. So I chose to write. Here we go... had first day of t-ball for Cameron today and I absolutely loved it. He loves it as well. Although I think he's more into it for the social aspect rather than to play the sport, but thats fine with me whatever makes him happy and this sure does. I sometimes wonder what he's going to be when he grows up. As it stands right now he wants to be a zoo keeper, I'm sure that will change by the time he gets older if not then more power to him. I'm trying to enjoy every second I get to spend with him but still feel like he's growing up way too fast and time is slipping away, but what can you do? I believe thats why some people have so many kids, because they dont want them to grow up, but they do. No matter how many pictures you take and how many videos you record. They will grow up and get to be my age and then they're saying the same thing I am and so it goes. My advice would be like the sign you see in a lot of mom's homes "LIVE, LAUGH, LOVE" and thats life.

Hurt

A couple years ago when I was working at the steel shop. I had one of my friends from work come up to me and say "you need to check out this band called Hurt." I knew he and myself had a similar taste in music so I checked it out and was hooked instantly. In a day and age when music is judged by how good your music video is or how often the dj's play it or how many commercials you have for it on tv. Hurt just plays music to play music. They sing and write songs about things that most people don't want to talk about. Just because something bad happens in life people think you should just ignore it and not talk about it.

For instance the song "Rapture" talks about this woman who kills her child and "swears she heard the voice of jesus telling her it was wrong to keep it" because she obviously had some mental issues. Then at the end of the song he reveals that the child was his and he couldn't do anything to stop her. I like that song because it's about a trajic incident that happens all the time in this world, but nobody wants to talk about it.

So thats my point of view on music. I just get tired of these pop singers singing, for the most part, the same songs over and over again. I think they just have a lack of originality.

Messed Up

I was thinking to myself today. "This world is messed up." One of the worst things in it is that parents (most of them) don't care anymore. They don't care about there kids or there families, all they care about is themselves. I go to work at 12:00am on Friday mornings and the things I see just amaze me. Kids who are no older than 13 just walking around in the alleys at 3:00 in the morning. Other people just sitting in there cars starring straight forward on the side streets (not moving a muscle.)

Then I see the vandalism that happens around town. I never understood why someone would damage someone else's property just for the hell of it. At least if you steal something you gain something (not that I condone stealing.)

So the only explanation I can think of is that these kids' parents just don't give a damn. They probably have more important things to do, like get drunk or get high. This problem just seems to get worse with each day that passes. Pretty soon nobody will care about anybody and then this world will be in chaos.

I'm just glad that there's people like my parents and my sisters, who do give a damn and are willing to sacrifice time, so they can spend it with family. They are the ones that give me hope that this world won't be in chaos in the future.

women

I go and go and go some more. It never seems to end. Like a rollercoaster ride that never stops. There is so much anticipation and so much excitement. I get nervous? Yes, but it's a good nervous, a kind that only amplifies the excitement.

I've gone at midnight, I've gone in the morning, I've gone at noon, I've gone in the evening. No matter when I go it always finds a way to fail and fail miserably.

At first I thought it was me, maybe I am just that bad. Maybe my priorities are all wrong. Maybe I always seem to say the wrong things. But how can I say the wrong things when I let them do almost all of the talking. Maybe thats the problem. But I thought they liked a good listner. That's what they always say they're looking for.

All I know is that I'm happy with the life I have right now. I just wish that they would quit messing with my head and I wish they would quit playing these silly games. I guess when I find the right one she won't do those things to me.

So I'll keep going and going and going on this rollercoaster ride they call dating with these silly women.