Rindu

Because 24 years later, ego still so high for me to be honest with my feelings and clearly, whoever/whatever I miss would definitely know of this feeling when I post them on social media. Lulz.



#21stcenturylogic #maybejustme #imisseveryone

Jun Jun Inai ~~~

It's already June. 

Felt like yesterday I sent my parents to the airport for their flight home after their brief visit for my exams (still their baby even though I stopped looking like one since ... two decades ago). Endured the summer heat and survived the short break for an early semester kickstart because ahoy, final year is here! Now, it's 6 months into the "new year", 8 weeks since I've started honours and Ramadhan is (insya Allah tomorrow). 

Wow, 2016! Slow down a bit, please. 

Because clearly I'm not ready for whatever's coming towards me anytime soon. 

The search continues ... because my 23 year old self came up with 1001 questions to boggle the mind daily. Been making 1001 plans as well, because you know ... I find joy in planning (apparently). 

and then we'll subsequently (chances are high, really) find me being disappointed as the plan remains a plan -- unfulfilled. 

But, can I continuously hope that some of it will (even if it's not all of it, I'll be extremely content) become a reality in the future? 

Week 7 Milestone

Alhamdulillah, completed the initial phase of my honours project -- MIC and checkerboard assays for all my 24 samples. Yippeedoodaaa! :)

Decided to feature this song up here to mark this victory because I can't deny the fact that listening to Chris Martin's voice (+ the very apt lyrics) on the radio at least 3 times a day Monday to Friday between 9am-5pm did boost my morale. Funny how this very song would always be on when the shoulder starts to sore from looking down at the plates for too long or when my thumb muscle starts to strain because of the continous pipetting. All in good fun but reality is there's always a limit to your abilities so, good job, Kartika for pushing your limits and soldiering on :) *self mega-bear hug*

What more can I say about honours now that I'm approaching Week 8?

a) Haven't been doing as much reading as I should (yes, guilty as charged.)
b) Thankful that I'm really enjoying my labwork despite the repetitiveness and unknowns (not in terms of variables, more of outcomes --- I sound like a total nerd there, HAH!)
c) Finding friends in strangers -- here's a special shoutout to my labmates. Such a fun bunch even though our projects are not related and when you're in a box having similar worries, you'll find yourselves depending on each other way more than you'd expect. Always treat others with kindness.
d) Had a couple of meltdown in the span of 7 weeks. I'd say that's less than I expected pre-Honours though "there's more to come" may be true to a certain degree, we'll see. I remembered one day I decided to call my parents midweek at midnight (in Adelaide, almost their bedtime back home) just to have a chat. I knew they could sense something was wrong with me (or my mood) and me being me, was trying to steer the conversation all towards them and home. At the end of the day, despite the vast distance and so-called independence I've been striving for, I'm still my parents little baby. 24 years later and I still cannot deny that fact. Also, a special shout out to Sushis, despite the different timezones for half of us, always there to deal with my rants and usual random #karlakar (credits to mal? or eish? for the hashtag) jokes.
e) No where near sorting my internship applications. gasp.

To deal with my emotions, I've been enjoying walks at the park on weekends (most weekends, when it's not raining. and the duvet isn't as tempting). Or taking different routes, just because. :)

Here's to more discoveries!
(of everything)

Summer 15-16

I sorta outlined how my summer break would be since mid year, probably. Being my indecisive self, clearly, I had several plans as a backup as well.

And guess which one was the lucky one?

Of course the last one in the pile 😂

(And let's face it, I probably had an inkling that the last choice would be THE ultimate choice at the end of the day)

I won't say I regret my decision because these are the choices that I've soberly (not that I've ever been not sober - just putting it out there) made.

Despite being the least adventurous choice, I definitely discovered new sides (or more of acknowledging who I truly am and how my train of thoughts actually work). I gotta say I may have been in denial with myself, especially regarding my personality and character in this past few years. But tonight I realised that hey, I'm actually like this (since like forever) or like woah, I'm becoming more like this now that I'm approaching final year.

At a glance I've always thought that I'm probably the same person I was since first year but after much thought (at 2.00AM on a breezy summer night - post-severe thunderstorm), I think I should remind myself that you are indeed evolving, Kartika. Towards a better version of yourself, hopefully.

And it's okay to take small baby steps or going back a few steps when you need to. Just remember to chin up and march on. Nothing in life is permanent, so if you think something needs to be changed (about yourself, in particular), have the courage to acknowledge it and do what you need to do to fix it. Seek help when you need to because the people you have in your life are there for a reason.

All in all, alhamdulillah for the summer heat. Towards more self-discovery & a better me :)

Wish

Kartika, stop wishing and hoping and planning.

START DOING SOMETHING !!!

(Wanted to tweet this but .... twitter was too hostile when I was scrolling just now. Even though my tweet could've possibly go unnoticed anyway. But oh well. And the statement above seems so immature ... coming from a 23-year-old. And yes, I'm so age-concious now. I don't even know why.)

Sometimes I feel like I'm living in an imaginary world. Living in (just) thoughts.

Simply grateful

At this point, I'm simply grateful to Allah for the ability for me to wake up in the morning, look up at the beautiful clouds with the sky in the background every single morning, breathe, talk to friends, smile and other important things that I should care about.

Alhamdulillah.

I shouldn't be greedy. When you win some, you'll lose some. That's how it goes, no? Though surprised, everyone's a human being, we tend to forget or perhaps, we tend to want to forget.
Astaghfirullahalazim.

I shall just shut my mouth and let it be. (: aslkan bahagia, kan?




(Originally posted in February 2009 - judging by the comment posted. Thought this was still apt in 2015 so here's a post by a 17-year-old me.)

Odd age

Alhamdulillah, turned 23 a couple of days ago.

Hmmm, where do I begin?

I know it has only been a couple of days, but I've (already) come to the conclusion that 23 is such an odd age.

You're not turning 20 cue : no-longer-a-teenager-birthday-bash, not  that finally-an-adult-21-years-old, no longer a 22 year old where you can sing your heart out to Taylor Swift's 22 (not quite sure how a song can validate your age but I'd also like to think that 22 is a pretty number, just because).

23 is 23. Like .. even when you say 23 it doesn't sound that nice. Maybe because it's a prime number. But 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19 are prime numbers too. But somehow those birthdays carry some sort of meaning and seems so eventful (?). Where as, 23 is just .. 23. Can't shake this odd feeling off. It's like you're neither here nor there (wherever that may be). Just 23.

One of the reasons 23 seems so odd may be the life-changing-questions (more like life-decisions) that often becomes the main topic in any conversation that I've been part of as of late.

"When are you graduating?" "Macam dah lama je dekat sana, bila habis?"

"What are your plans after graduation?" "Where will you be doing your intern?"

"PhD soon after?" "Would you mind going interstate?"

In all honesty, most of these questions have been boggling in my mind since the first day of Uni and like it or not, the time has come for decisions to be made. Can't believe I made myself think for 4 years and still indecisive. (This may be due to other factors as well but ... maybe they're too personal to share here. Even if I'm the only reader of this site. ahah.)

Okay, moving on.

Had a discussion about future (and past) plans with some of my friends this past week and ... funny thing was some of the question did pop up in my head quite recently and I was startled that I came up with such a question.

The question was ... "What made you decide to study here in the first place? Might as well continue your studies locally and practice there."

There I said it.

That question itself made me realise ... somewhere down the road you'd have to question your initial niat. Not really because of self-doubt but more of self-reassurance and reminder of why you started the whole journey in the first place. There's this very fine line between self-doubt and self-assurance that is just ... unexplainable (at least in words .. in this post.)

Even this post seems odd now.

More positivity (and continuation of this, hopefully) when the sun comes out in a few hours.

Till then,

Happy belated birthday, dear self <3 p="">