journal January 1988

"We had Christmas at home this year, just us, and we really enjoyed it. It was so relaxing and nice. Mark's recovering well - still it's going to be a long time before he feels himself again. It's like he's a 70 year old in a 33 year old body. He's putting in full days at work and comes home really tired and not feeling well. I'm really busy with the kids. Stars is keeping us all really moving. Amy is performing this year and she has a really heavy schedule for a 7 year old. I put Kristen in piano lessons in October. I feel strongly that the time and money we spend on our kids is simply investments in the future. They are priority right now. The more advantages, skills and self confidence we can help them obtain, the wider their choices will be in the future."

journal January 1988 (married 11 years)

"I should have kept this better. It feels though like so many usual things in life came to a grinding halt this fall. Mark caught the flu and had to postpone the surgery till Nov 1st. Mark's Mom came to help with the kids. The surgery went well, and Mark recovered well. He was so glad to be rid of the colostomy. Jan drove up to help me when Mark's mom left. They were so much help - staying with the kids so I could be at the hospital, meals, driving etc. Jan and I stayed up and talked a lot. Sisters are wonderful. Mark came home in about 10 days. We were all so glad and relieved. Then late that night he started having lots of intense pain, he was shaking and yelling, it was awful. I called Dick Madsen and Sid Shreeve and they came and gave him a blessing and drove him to the hospital. I followed when Tiffany came and stayed with the kids. They did lots of xrays and tests all night and in the morning . He just kept throwing up. Finally they went back into surgery with him at 2:00 the next day to fix an intestinal blockage in his upper colon. He was in surgery for over 3 hours. Finally when I met with his doctors they looked exhausted. They said they'd had to undo lots of scar tissue and cut out some intestine and that he would be very sick for awhile. By then lots of people had come to be my support team. Marilyn and Richard Pike came during surgery and then Mark and Lauri and later Chris Stott. They all stayed with me outside Marks room till late in the night. Mark was there for 2 weeks recovering, but this time it was really tough. Emotionally he'd had it. He just wanted to die and get it all over with. I stuck pictures of the kids on the wall and told him he had to come home and help raise this group. Dave (Bishop) Adams visited him regularly and I asked Steve (President) Christensen to give him a pep talk when he saw him. Later he said that really helped. He had tubes in his nose down to his stomach, tubes attached to the jugular vein in his neck, a catheter for awhile. It was really pretty miserable. So much pain. Mom came and stayed for a few days and I was so grateful. Marilyn was wonderful and Milly. They each adopted my kids the first while while I was staying nights with Mark. He came home the day before Thanksgiving. So glad to be alive, so grateful, so emotional."

journal Oct 24, 1987 girls ages 9,7,5,2

"Mark's surgery is coming soon - He goes in Tuesday night and the surgery is Wednesday. There's so much to do, get the house clean and organized, meals planned and in the freezer, kids planned for. It all helps me not think about it. But at night, in bed, we talk about it. He talks about how awful it was when he woke up last time. The emotions. I'm afraid. I'm nervous. It' a long 3 hours operation. We both fear what else they might find or do. I fear becoming a widow with 4 children. So much I want to raise these children with Mark. But, we'll get through this, and this will all be just history some day."

journal Oct 8, 1987

"Well this week Mark started going back to work. It's been a whole month. We took his rocking chair down to the office and he stays in that for the day. I think he's so glad to be back and be of some help down there.

I'm so far behind around here I don't know if I'll ever catch up. I just want to get the house clean and organized, Halloween figured out, and Christmas at least thought about before Mark goes back into surgery again in less than 3 weeks. I'm trying hard not to neglect the kids at all. I've been getting up and teaching them in the morning so Mark can sleep, and try to spend good time with April and Holly, and after school I try to do homework with the kids and sing and read stories - no TV. I really want to be a good Mom."

journal Sept 29, 1987 seriously?

"These past few weeks have been incredibly awful. One thing right after another. I mean really, if it weren't so frustrating it would be funny. First of all, the day after the Arnolds left the kids started throwing up. They each took turns (except Kristen). By Thursday morning Mark and I both had it too. We laid on the couch for 2 days with stomach flu. Marilyn came and took the kids home for 2 days. Then just as I was starting to get stronger I got an eye infection. It got horrible and went into both eyes. I fought that for a week. During that week our dining room was attacked by ants, and that night we found a scorpion on the wall by the baby's bed. I had to have the dining area sprayed (so we had to leave for 4 hours). I couldn't go see anyone because my eye infection was contagious so we shopped and drove around. Just as that all started to get better, Mark got a really bad ear infection. He went to the doctor for that and got on medication. Then Tina and Kevin came up for the weekend and we managed to have a great time. The day after they left, just as we're thinking what else could happen? - Mark doubles over in pain and comes home from work. The doctor thought it was appendicitis and checked him again the next morning (which, by the way, is the second day of school) . After they checked him they sent us over to Saint Agnes Hospital for surgery. Once they opened him up they discovered it was much more than appendicitis. It was diverticulitis. A piece of his colon was infected and ruptured. They spent 2 1/2 hours on him, cutting out the infected piece and everything. They brought up a colonoscopy and sewed him up. He spent a week in the hospital in awful pain and now he's home recuperating slowly. Soon as Mark came home I caught a cold and then the baby got pink eye. What else could possibly happen?"

journal Aug. 26, 1987 thoughts on summer

"I've decided that summer is the time to just be with and enjoy and teach children. I should never even attempt to do anything else. (I feel the same about Christmas time) By part way into the summer I could see that my list of projects wasn't even going to get started. I finally put the lists away - because, this is how it should be. The children are home and they are all mine to influence any way I wish. It's a gift of time.

Mark teaches the kids "Seminary" every morning at 6:00 am and then they have weeding and watering to do. We want them to learn to work. Then we're off to lessons...ballet, jazz, gymnastics, swimming, swim league, piano etc. At night it's swim meets, advanced gym or for Mark and I - coed softball. (we took first place this summer) In between I've got the kids doing worksheets and reading new books.

This month we spent a week camping with Arnolds. It was so fun. We went up to Sequoia National Park and set up camp. The kids had a great time with each other. Their four kids are ages 4-10. Ours are 2-8. They climbed rocks, and rode bikes and got as dirty as they could. We went to the campfires put on by the Rangers, and we climbed Moro Rock. We walked down to Crystal Cave and took that tour, and took the kids to the nature center, and on walks with the rangers. One day we even took them all on a four mile hike to Muir Grove. They were real troopers. I was really proud of them. On the way we saw 3 deer, very close up. The last night there, the kids were awarded patches they'd been earning by going on certain hikes and collecting trash. It was wonderful."

Journal July 29, 1987

"What a fun month. So busy. I think I've been home maybe 2 or 3 evenings this entire month. Mondays and Wednesdays Mark and I play on a coed softball team. Tuesdays Kristen and Amy have gymnastics and I have meetings sometimes too. Thursdays Kristen has swim meets. On the weekends we've been gone. Since school let out, I've been to Girls Camp, we went to Utah for Jon's wedding, to Shaver Lake to stay with Brandons at their cabin, to northern California to a bed and breakfast place with Randles, to LA for Jan and Olivers surprise 25th wedding anniversary.

And now this coming weekend we're going to the coast to stay with Hodnetts and go to Gordon's baptism. But its been fun. This is summer!!"

journal June 30, 1987 Jon & Sheila's wedding

"We drove to Utah this weekend for the wedding (Jon and Sheila's). The whole weekend went really well. Really beautiful and fun. I finally got to know both Sheila and Mehry (Chris's wife). How nice to have 2 new sisters. Jon and Sheila were great. Jon was so nervous and busy the day before, he never sat down. Sheila seemed fine. The day of the wedding was really tiring. We all drove to Salt Lake and the girls waited outside the temple with Chris and Mehry while we went in for the sealing. Afterward the photographer took lots of pictures all over the grounds. Jon forgot his tux shoes so had to switch shoes with Mark. I thought Mark was going to die in those shoes. ( a size smaller). Then we all walked down to the Lyon House for the wedding luncheon. Kristen and Amy were wonderful. Perfect little ladies. (we left April (4) and Holly (2) home in Fresno with Pikes and Randles) Then we drove back to Provo and collapsed for maybe an hour and got all dressed up for pictures again over at the Wilkinson Center and the reception. Jon and Sheila stayed till the end and helped clean up, came back to the house and then said goodbye for the night. They came back to open presents the next day and spent some time with the family. We left that night . They left next morning for 4 years of dental school in Nebraska. I'll miss Jon."

journal May 23, 1987

"I guess we live this life to experience many things, good and bad. I have experienced much happiness in my life. The last two days have shown me what it is to feel grief.

Sam and Lennie-leigh Hodnett came with Samuel Wednesday and checked him into Valley Children's Hospital for the night. They came here to our place and talked awhile about Sam's heart surgery in the morning. Everyone's waited a long time for the time to be just right for this operation. Their kids were with grandma, and Sam and Lennie planned to spend the weekend here and then Lennie would stay here however long it took Samuel to recover.

No one knew he wouldn't make it through the surgery the next day.

The surgeons tried so hard.

Everyone prayed and hoped.

By evening many of us gathered down at the hospital and said goodbye to Sam's little body and tried to do what we could to support Sam and Lennie.

I don't think I've ever felt so awful in my entire life than watching Sam hold his little son - who had been so full of life that morning and now gone.

June 4, 1987 The funeral was here in Fresno. Mark spoke on the plan of salvation and Sam's bishop did the eulogy. Kristen and Amy were honorary pall bearers. It was a beautiful service but so sad. Then we traveled to the coast for the graveside service. Kristen and Amy rode with Gordon and Landon and kept them busy. By the end of the day everyone was exhausted. I could see Lennie just wanted to go home with her children and get on with life.

I learned a lot that weekend. I learned that no matter how well you understand intellectually and spiritually about death, the leaving of someone from this world is really hard to handle emotionally. I know Samuel is fine and happy in the spirit world, but I still cry.

I feel the grief of his mother and his family, the loneliness of his twin Gordon.

This sadness won't leave me.

I suppose it takes time."

Happiness and calm... before the storm

These next few posts are beyond happy. Life was so good I could hardly express it without sounding totally corny. I should have known stuff was coming. It was time to learn some hard things.

Feb 19, 1987

"It's amazing how moving to a different house can change your outlook on life. Everything here works right. Everything here is so clean and smells good. (There's no mice here). I have this strange urge to plant flowers somewhere outside and watch them grow and then decorate with them. Kristen and Amy like being in the same room together. They talk and read and giggle together every night. Holly and April snuggle together on the top bunk in their room. Every night April "reads" books to Holly and pats her to sleep. They're so cute!

March 4, 1987 Mark took the afternoon off and he and I went to the movies and for an ice cream. Later he took all the kids over to the college for Kristen and Amy's Star performance and I went to Relief Society. How nice to have a husband who will do that. Now I'm home and I kiss those sweet girls asleep in their beds and I'm so happy...just to be alive, just be be Mark's wife and my girls mom.

Sunday March 15, 1987 How much happiness can person have? We spent the day together yesterday as a family doing Stars. The kids performed over at the college. Then we went for pizza. The kids were darling and they gave it their best. We came home and I had to go out again and chaperone a stake dance (My calling is Stake YW Secretary) Mark stayed home to be Dad and he helped Kristen prepare her talk. Today things were SO nice. Mark made breakfast while I dressed everybody. He put dinner in the pot and I made a salad. We were actually early and everybody was happy. Church went well. Our sweet (well trained:) ) children sat nicely, Kristen gave a good talk, the baby even went to the nursery with a smile. (I promise ya, this was all quite out of the ordinary, lest you think this was normal )

I needed to go to another ward's conference all afternoon and when I got home the house was still clean and the kids playing. Now I even have time to write in my journal, set some goals for this week, and dance with Holly awhile and love her. We don't let the kids have friends or cousins over on Sunday anymore and that's helped us as a family. They have time to talk to us and they learn to play with each other."

journal Feb 1987

"Thank goodness last year is over. I could never live that again. There really is a limit on what you can do in your life, and we hit it last year. Between Primary, Bishopric, the new house, and the new business, the kids and Stars, I thought we were going to go crazy. We just about did. We just kept telling each other to hang in there and we'd get through it.

They finally released Mark from the bishopric so he could concentrate on seminary. Bishopric was really a spiritual and sweet time in our lives, but it's really nice to have Mark home again. To have him sit with me in church and hold Holly. That's a first. She's almost 2 years old and she's never sat with Daddy at church. I was pregnant with her when Mark was called. He's home on Sunday and evenings. I feel like a family again.

Once October was over, the really time consuming part of my primary calling was over - the missionary day and sacrament meeting presentation. Then I started heading toward Christmas and Kristen's baptism. and moving. Mark and I shopped and packed and planned. Mark's Mom & Dad & Jon came down for Christmas and the baptism. Everything went OK, I guess. The house didn't get finished on time which was disappointing. But that's OK.

We finally moved mid- January. What a treat. This house that we've been working toward for 3 years is finally real. And done. It's absolutely beautiful. Its everything we wanted because we planned, researched, drew, measured and loved every square foot of it. We had house plans in the bathroom, living room, bedroom, office and car so we could study it any time. This house is literally a dream come true. And we are having a great time getting moved in. Everything has it's place. There's a lot in the garage still unpacked but I'm taking my time. Nothing comes in here unless it has a place."

journal Oct 2 1986

"I don't know when Mark and I have been busier in our whole marriage. It's absolutely crazy. We have friends who think we've lost our minds. But we'll get through it. Most people only take on one major thing in their lives in addition to everyday living. We've got 3 going right now.

1) Heavy church callings. I'm first counselor in the Primary which puts me over the Children's Sacrament Meeting Presentation and our Missionary For a Day special activity - both of which are happening this month. Mark's still in the bishopric (it's been 2 years this month) and they asked him last month to teach seminary and be the seminary principal.

2) The New Business. It's going really well, but setting up the new systems, training the new people, maintaining the heavy volume of work and a high level of professionalism is taking huge amounts of time. The office opens at 6:00 am and Mark doesn't get home till 7:00 or 8:00 pm. He changes, grabs something to eat and runs to a church meeting or business seminar.

3) Building Our Dream House. The all consuming dream. I spend days and days looking at and researching all the hundreds of decisions that have to be made on the house. Mark too, every spare minute. Every night around 9:30- 10:30 we meet and go over what we've seen or decided and plan our next few steps. What a huge job. It's incredible what goes into a house."

journal Easter 1986

" I'll have to say I was really a good Mom for Easter Vacation. I decided to spend the whole week with the kids instead of sewing Easter outfits or something.

Monday - I told the kids if they spent the day helping me do laundry and clean the house and going through all the stored clothes we'd have the rest of the week off.

Tuesday - We went shopping and put summer clothes on lay-away. Then we went to Winchells, for donuts, then to go see Dr. Bitter (our dentist who they love) to tell him Kristen stopped sucking her thumb. Then we played on the lawn and enjoyed the day.

Wednesday - Picnic lunch and played all afternoon over at Joy's with Lauri, Joy's neighbor, Sandra, and all our kids. We let the kids get good and dirty. Then the kids stayed with Mark while I went and got a permanent.

Thursday - We took all the kids to the zoo.

Friday - The movies!"

journal April 1986

"Things are going lots better. I was getting so tense there for awhile that I was getting headaches every day. I've gotten down to one every few weeks now, and I'm feeling much better.

Mark and Lauri Randle moved up here to Fresno in March. Now we've formed a partnership called "Outdoor Environments Landscape Design and Development." Mark Randle has taken over the office completely. Now there's 2 desks, 2 drawing boards, a plan table, 2 filing cabinets, 2 phones and our brand new Apple computer. Mark Randle figures all the bids, pays the bills, and meets with all the commercial contractors, and orders all the materials.

My Mark draws all the plans, runs the jobs and meets with all the residential job owners. We brought a personal line into the house and took the business phone out to the office - so I don't have to answer that awful phone all day everyday and handle the problems that come in. It's WONDERFUL.

The guys set up an answer phone for when they're not in the office and for at night. They work long hours but when they quit, they quit!!! No more business at home, people calling all through dinner and into the night with questions or problems.

Mark's a better Dad, I've got more time and less problems so I'm a better mom.

I really have a lot of faith in this new business. Both Marks are talented and have so much experience between them. I really think we're going to pull ourselves out of a real financial and emotional hole this year - and be a happier family."

Journal Feb 1986

" I'm so tense lately. I don't know how much longer I can handle this pressure. Mostly financial. Why don't people pay us on time? It seems like we're in a constant state of crisis - trying to keep our bank account from bouncing, trying to figure out who to pay, and what to tell the rest of them. We're paying lots of bank charges and it seems we owe everybody. But then, everybody else owes us. I worry over it constantly. So many decisions, so much to keep track of. When I took over the office a year ago I didn't know that it would drain me so much emotionally. I know I've been a lot of help. Mark doesn't have time to do what I do. But the burden is getting too heavy.

Then I was asked to be a counselor in the Primary. I've only been Homemaking Leader since last summer and I was really enjoying it. I really don't want to be in Primary but I told them whatever the Bishopric felt was right would be what I would accept. So now I've got to try to feel good about this change. I was really getting to love Relief Society. I have a lot of concerns about this. I didn't want to work in an organization that Mark was directly responsible for. We didn't both want to be in leadership positions again at the same time. I'm worried because Mark can't support me at all on Sunday. The baby is hard to handle. But,...we've set some priorities and we're sticking with them We are not going to be out at meetings at the same time. When we are both supposed to be at the same meeting, one of us will stay home. We are going to provide our kids with a stable home life - a parent that puts them to bed every night, with talking, and stories and hugs and whatever else is needed. Family should come first and we're going to stick by that as best we can."

journal December 1985

"Sunday - What a morning. Mark left at 7:20 for his Bishopric meetings. The wild scramble to get everybody ready and beautiful for church by myself began. Kristen is 7, Amy is 5, April is 3 and the baby Holly is crawling everywhere at 8 months.

Kristen slept till 9:00. She was real tired after performing in the half time for the California Bowl yesterday. Amy and April made breakfast themselves - Chex and milk and toast. They're so sweet. They had the table all set so nice. I got myself half ready, fed the baby in her walker and did the dishes, and got the kids dressed. We went through several changes till we got April just right. Gave the baby a bath and then let her crawl around and cry while various children picked her up and hauled her around."

journal more January 1985 & September 1985

"Well now the holidays are over and here I am. I've gained 20 pounds and I'm pretty uncomfortable. I've got some vericose veins and a possible hernia that make it hard for me to stand for any length of time. So I'm going to have to stay down as much as I can these next 3 months. My pelvis and leg joints are stiff and I get cramps at night. This 4th pregnancy has been a lot harder than the others. I'm starting to really question whether I can have the large family I wanted."

September 1985

"Well, I have lots of new goals now that school's started. One of them being to be a bit more regular about my journal. But, to catch up - we did have #4 in April. A darling little girl with loads of hair. I think we're destined for girls but you know, I wouldn't trade a one. The birth was in the middle of the night (of course). My water broke right after I went to bed. I'd been in labor for quite a while but I'd been ignoring it because I'd had so much false labor. We took the kids to Brandons and then picked up Milly and went to the hospital. Milly had 4 ceasarean sections and I knew she really wanted to see a birth. It turned out to be really a neat thing to share. We named her Holly (April 3, 1985)

journal January 1985 continued

"We didn't make it to Utah for Christmas - but we tried. We left Sunday night intending to drive all night. We made it about 3/4 of an hour out of Bakersfield going up Tehachapi and our transmission went . Mark finally flagged down a trucker and hitched a ride back to Bakersfield. He came back eventually with a tow truck and we were towed back to Bakersfield. The night was freezing and we had to ALL sit in the front of the tow truck (seven of us - Jon was with us) (seriously, picture this- the driver, Mark, Jon, pregnant me and 3 kids in pajamas.)

The headlights kept going off on the tow truck which had us all TERRIFIED the whole way down the mountain. He parked us at 3 Way Chevrolet at 2:00 AM and we sat there till morning waiting for the place to open. Actually we were lucky it did open that day because it was Christmas Eve day. They had it fixed by early afternoon and we tried to go up Tehachapi again and the transmission started to go again - we gave up, turned around and drove home.

We ended up having a really nice Christmas with just us, at home. I think we'd like to stay home from now on.

journal January 1985

"Well here I am still - still pregnant - sure takes a long time to grow babies. I dropped out of life Aug 6th until about Oct 9th. 9 solid weeks of yuck. I think this was the sickest I've been. Someone took over my Primary class for me, I asked Mark and Jon to help with the meals and cooking and I lived on the sofa. About all I got done was the laundry and the dishes and lot of reading. I couldn't face the thought of going to the grocery store so Mark took care of that. Poor Kristen, she needed school clothes and I couldn't take her. Finally Mark and I both took her one time. And Marilyn (bless her heart) took her shopping for school shoes. I asked Mom if I could come stay with her for a couple weeks like I did when I was pregnant and sick with April. She said fine and Dad came and picked me up and the two little ones - Amy and April. I could get up when I wanted, sleep when I wanted. I didn't have to get anybody off to school, pre-school - lessons. Just rest. Mom and I read and played Scrabble, Rumikub, Trivia, Skipbo, crossword puzzles and we did 4 or 5 of those 500 piece puzzles. Kristen stayed home with Mark. He took good care of her for those 2 weeks. I left a list of instructions and he got her to the bus and off and dance lessons and Back To School Night. They went out to dinner and to his volleyball games. They did fine. They came to Mom's to pick me up and after I'd been home a few days I suddenly started to feel better. (I'd hit my 3 month mark).

Then it seemed like things really got busy. I had plenty to catch up on. And along came Halloween and lots of company here and there. Thanksgiving and a Seminary reunion down in Escondido.

Christmas season was wild and wonderful. We decorated everywhere and it was really pretty. I made Christmas pillow cases for our family, a ceramic nativity scene, our tree skirt, and a red corduroy jumper for April. Amy's pre-school group did a nativity scene for some elderly and I dressed her up as an angel. Kristen had her school program and both girls had a dance recital. I had part of the ward adult progressive dinner at our house I asked Joy Brandon to help me and we managed to come up with tables, cloths , crystal, silver and cloth napkins for 20.

We didn't make it to Utah for Christmas - but we tried." ( more on that adventure next week)

journal September 1984

"We had a nice summer. Lots of work, lots of play. We worked on our skiing and by July Mark and I both reached our goal for the summer - getting up and skiing on one ski instead of two. The kids love it too. They both learned how to climb on the Boogie Board and paddle it out behind the boat, grab the ski ropes and yell go! Kristen even learned to stand up on kind of a ski board pulled by the boat. Maybe we'll let her try and ski next year. (when she's 6)

I put Kristen and Amy in Gymnastics and Swimming lessons. Otherwise they spent their time playing Barbies and swimming. We went to lots of baseball games to watch Mark and Jon.

We spent the weekend up at Shaver Lake with friends at a cabin. We went to LA to Jan's for a weekend to go to a wedding. We went camping with Tucks in Shaver. We spent Labor Day weekend over on the coast with Hodnetts.

The middle of July I was released as Activities Chairman. I asked them to please give me something that would allow me to be free to support Mark fully as 70's group and mission leader. We learned a long time ago that it's stressful on a home to have two heavy calling going at once. They called me to be the Star A teacher in Primary (4 year olds) which I was delighted with.

Early in August I confirmed I'm pregnant with #4. The timing is good and I'm happy. But boy am I sick. It hit me the 6th of August and I'd really like to crawl away and hide somewhere for a few weeks till this goes away."