Losing

I am laying here at 12:30 am, unable to sleep. This isn't a happy post but in the words of Anna Nalick...

"If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me, threatening the life it belongs to."

After placing a baby boy for adoption in 1999 (via an open adoption) we met for the first time in 2010 at his sister's high school graduation. His "opening words" to me were, "Hey Cori! Long time, no see!"

 He is an amazing young man. He ended up having a musical ability to play the piano that is amazing! He writes his own music and it is phenomenal.

The evening was great. He played the Wii with Landon. That was the first time Landon had played Wii bowling and he had a great time!

I was astounded at how much he and Brynlee look alike...

We became friends on FB but I tried not to comment, to respect his privacy and not intrude. He came to my daughter's baptism last year and the family party afterwards. In his words, "It was the best party ever!"

Last week...he blocked me without any explanation.



Ouch.


I have gone round and round, trying to figure out if I did/said something...if so what? I have sent an email to his mom/dad, asking them to talk with him to see if/where I overstepped bounds. (I haven't commented on one of his posts since December.) If he does want to stop communication, I will, of course, respect his wishes. I can imagine that it is strange for him. He is 13 and IF his friends know about me, I can imagine the possible comments.

"Isn't that weird?"...."You don't really talk to her, do you?"....."Is she going to tell your mom about 'X' post?"

I get it. I honestly do. Open adoptions are tricky and to be honest, this is the first time I have ever questioned the wisdom in it...not for myself, but for him. I have tried to always put his needs first.

I am trying to have faith that my Heavenly Father knows how to help all of us, in each situation...in THIS situation. But to be honest, I wonder when I will stop feeling like my heart is being torn out of my chest. It is still very painful.  It's been 13 years for "B" and almost 16 years for "Q". Anyone who says that time heals all wounds has never been a birthmother. It never goes away.

So here I sit,  feeling like I'm losing it....and HIM...all over again.

The Greatest Generation...

These last few weeks have been filled with the 4th of July holiday, the starting of a new job, the tearing down and installation of a new shed, sprinklers, grass, etc. There's been lots going on. But for some reason I just can't seem to want to blog about any of it. My mind is being occupied with the loss of 2 particular people... The deaths of Mark's Grandma Fugal and my Aunt Joan.

All of my grandparents died before I was 25. I had wonderful relationships with each of them. They were all incredibly different in character and personality and I cherish the memories I have with each of them. However, I don't think I fully appreciated my grandparents. Playing outside was always funner than sitting with the adults. But Grandma Fugal and Aunt Joan were different. I really got to know them better later in life.  This made all the difference in the quality of my relationships with them.

Aunt Joan was my Gram Elaine's younger sister. They were incredibly alike, both in looks and mannerisms. My Gram Elaine died when I was in my early 20's and Aunt Joan was a perfect "substitute" for Grandma. Her smiling eyes and infectious smile always put everyone at ease. She was a family history buff like no other. She would take my mom to the Lehi cemetary and point out graves of deceased family members and explain how they were connected. There are so many people on the other side that owe so much to Joan. I can only imagine the "family reunion" that is taking place right now.

As odd as it sounds, when I heard that Joan had died, it sort of felt like losing Grandma again. I last saw her when she came to my wedding in 2000. Getting that hug from her was just like hugging Gram Elaine. It meant so much to me that she took the time to come to her great niece's wedding. Sadly, I don't know if I ever told her how much she meant to me. But I hope that she knew that I loved her. Because the love of an adult "child" is much different than that of a small child. Not better. Just different. For me, it was quieter, deeper, maybe filled with less hugs but certainly filled with much more adoration, appreciation and wanting to be like her. Her viewing is tonight and the funeral is tomorrow. I am hoping that as I am hugging my 2nd cousins, I will feel that little bit of Aunt Joan again.

My last remaining Grandma (Nydegger) died about 6 months after Mark and I got married. At the time, I remember thinking how sad it was that my children would never know how special my own grandparents were. How wrong I was.

Grandma and Grandpa Fugal could not have fit into those "grandparent" shoes any better. Words cannot express how amazing these 2 people are. They were married 72 years and, until recently, still lived together in the house they raised their children in. (Grandpa still lives there.) My 2 children were lucky to have had this precious time with them. When we would visit Grandma and Grandpa (both in their 90's) it was so fun. Grandpa would bounce Landon on his leg while I would worry about Grandpa's brittle bones. Grandma would put a wooden board on her lap and play dominoes with Brynlee, while I would worry about Brynlee stepping on Grandma's fragile feet. Grandma had green foam balls that she used to strengthen her hands. They were kept in the basket attached to her walker. Landon always knew where to find them and he would bring them to her. She'd throw them and Landon would "fetch". She would also build a domino tower for Landon to knock over.

Grandma taught me so many things. She was an educator of the highest quality. While I would sit and worry about how my children were behaving, she would gently remind me, "It's ok. They're not hurting anything. Children were not made to sit still and be quiet while the adults talk about boring things."  She had the best recipe for her "chocolate drink". All the Fugals tell me that she always had it in the house for either hot chocolate or chocolate milk. I asked Grandma about this and she gave me the recipe. She died 8 days later. How grateful I am that I had the time with her that I did. How grateful that we made the resolution this year to visit more. The time spent with Grandma enriched our lives so much. Brynlee still talks about the dominoes. After the grave dedication, Brynlee put 2 white dominoes on Grandma's casket....they shimmered.

I don't know that I would have fully appreciated these things in my youth. Running and playing outside, climbing Gram Elaine's cherry tree, playing with Grandpa Horan's leather and hoping he didn't see us snitch the butterscotch candy from his sock drawer. Playing in the "forest" behind Grandpa & Grandma Nydegger's house, riding 2 people on his copper colored exercise bike or watching his HUGE  tv that must have been 8 feet thick. All of these things seemed so much more important and interesting. It never crossed my mind that getting to know what incredible people they were would be something I would miss later in life....and miss greatly.

I am so thankful for the examples that these sweet women have been to me. They will never know all the amazing things they have taught me without saying a word. Most of all, I am grateful for the time that I had with them. I look forward to hugging them again one day, fully appreciating the lasting impact they had on me as a granddaughter, grand niece, daughter, a mother, a sister and a friend.

Summer Fun

We got the blow up pool out today and put the slide in it. In order for me to feel good about posting these pics, I need to tell you a few things...

1. In the background, you will see the only section of fence that hasn't been power washed and painted. So you'll have a good idea of what our trashy fence looked like before we painted it. (Pictures of the new fence will follow on another post.)

2. Because we are right in the middle of tearing down the old shed, breaking up the concrete and building a new one...there is crap ALL OVER THE YARD!! You'll see lots of random stuff everywhere. Welcome to my "right now" life.

3. Yes, there is a wheel barrow FULL of wood. I was in the middle of moving the wood pile. Since we have new grass seed down, the wood pile has been temporarily moved to the driveway fence. Usually, the pool is not put up next to a bunch of pokey wood pieces.

So, now that you know the "why's" of my trashy yard, here are cute pictures of the kids. ;-)

We put plastic balls in to make it a little more fun.

I LOVE Landon's smile when he's really happy!!




























Brynlee is such a good big sister. She allowed Landon to play with her favorite Ariel bath doll.

He's going to be such a good daddy. ;-)

I wish that Brynlee would stay still long enough to take a few more pics. At the moment she is very conscientious of her smile. She has one tooth that has come in behind her baby tooth. While the baby tooth is loose, it's not out yet and she doesn't like the way it looks. So until it comes out, she's limiting the pictures of her that I can take. :-/

So anyway...back to the pool.

Here I am, thinking that the kids are as happy as can be. So I say, "Brynlee, could anything be better than popcicles and pools?"...and out comes her response...

"Yes, school is better mom!"

....crickets chirping...

I asked her HOW IN THE WORLD could school be better than the pool and popcicles. She said, "Because pools have nothing to do with math mom. Mr. Dalton is fun because he teaches me math."

I am seriously rethinking homeschooling. Pools and popcicles is the best I got. I CANNOT  and WILL NOT compete with ...uh...MATH. :-/

Earthquake "resistant-ing" my food storage room.

For my Facebook friends, I'm sorry this is redundant. Several of my family and friends do not have FB accounts. I'm going into a little more detail than I probably would for such a boring post because a few people in my ward have asked how to set up/organize a food storage room. We have removed the bungee cords, plexiglass and other barriers so you can more easily see how we've done it. I'll explain about that later. So here are the things I thought about when starting:

1. It needs a place for both glass jars and cans.
2. It needs to be easily rotated.
3. It needs to be size flexible because cans, pint jars and quart jars are NOT the same height or width.
4. Being in an earthquake zone, it needs to be earthquake-resistant.
5. We need a significant amount of space.



I've been working on my storage room for a while now. I've looked into places in my house and we decided on using the smallest of the unfinished bedrooms in my basement. It's the only room next to the washer and dryer (and under the stairs), so it's nice and out of the way.

We also looked at different storage systems (both built and pre-made) and haven't found one that I liked or was within my price range. I had lots of different types of shelves but nothing that went together. So we decided to just make due with what we had. Here is how we divided items from the top, going down to the bottom:

Lighter items were always on top. Items like napkins, paper towels, toilet paper, feminine supplies, etc don't break if they fall. So they go on top. Next, we put metal cans. Again, metal will usually dent, as opposed to break. We tried to put most of the jars on the heavy duty metal shelves. These are very sturdy and hold about 800 lbs per shelf. If you are a canner, you know how heavy 12 FULL quarts can be. Imagine putting 110 on a single shelf (double stacked). Other heavy items like 50 lb bags of sugar, flour, rice, beans, etc are put on the bottom shelves of the lighter, freestanding shelves to weigh them down. Here are some examples:

On the bottom are jars. Next shelf up is flour, sugar, dried potatoes, oil and a few canned items. Next up is pasta, beans, chips, shampoo/conditioner and personal hygeine items. Again, they might make a mess but will not create a hazard if they spill. These shelves are connected to the wall with "L" brackets. The outer shelves are only connected to the adjacent shelf by bungee cords.It's not perfect, but it's better than nothing and if we prepare to the best of our ability, the Lord will take care of us.

The next shelf over has nothing but empty jars on it. This was not my favorite solution because there is nothing containing these jars except bungee cords. But this is the only place we had to store them. So hopefully they'll be ok there with 2 bungee cords around each side of the shelves. The next shelf out from the wall has kitchen supplies (plastic bags, garbage sacks, etc), chips, rice and more beans. All items that can be dumped, but not broken.

These are my favorites!! These shelves were built by my Grandpa Jack (my mother's father). They are SO sturdy. They will soon turn into Brynlee's bookshelves for her homeschool supplies but they are working wonders in the food storage room right now. They are exactly the right height for 2 soup cans. The shelves on the left are mostly salad dressings, condiments, syrups, jams and jellies. The one on the right is mostly baking items like spices, vanilla, cornstarch, brown/powdered sugar, salt, evaporated & sweetened condensed milk.  There are a few stray items like mac & cheese and chicken/vegetable stock that fit just perfectly in the space left, so those are there are well.

I touched briefly on wanting to make my food storage more resistant to earthquakes. This is REALLY hard to do with glass jars. You can't buy a rotating rack for these. So I went back to the design implemented by the packagers of glass jars. They have cardboard dividers between each jar so they don't slam into each other. As time consuming as it was, this is exactly what I did. I used those dividers between the jars. Since I bought a lot of my jars at DI, I also had to make my own by cutting long pieces of cardboard to separate the columns and cutting smaller pieces to separate the jars within the columns. It took about 2-3 hours to do this, but I only have to do it once and the reassurance of less breakage it comforting.

I have 3 boxes on the other side of this shelf. One for empty jars, one for the "long" dividers and one for the "short". When we use an item, the empty jar and divider get put in their box. When 1 full column is gone, we replace it with the empty jars and reinstall the dividers. This keeps the upper shelf of jars from collapsing onto the empty column.


OK. So they won't bounce into each other. What about sliding forward and off the edge? Well....we mounted the shelves to the wall and those puppies are not going ANYWHERE!! That's good. Then we implemented a design that people in California use. Fiberboard is about 1/4 thick compressed sawdust. It is stiff but somewhat flexible. We cut them about 2/3 the height of the jars (quarts and pints accordingly). These slide into the front of the shelves and the stretch a bungee cord in front of it. It is stiff enough to block the jars but flexible enough to remove jars one at a time up and over the top. It is also easy to remove the cord & fiber board to rotate the food storage.

Lastly, I am putting the labels on. It is a lot easier to send the kids to the basement to find an item when it's labeled properly. I can't remember how many times I used spaghetti sauce because it looked like salsa and vice versa. So Italian tomatoes are labeled differently than Italian stewed tomatoes. White beans are labeled differently than white beans & ham soup because they look surprisingly alike. :-)

So that's pretty much it. I didn't take pictures of the water storage because that's behind the food storage room door and outside the house by the shed.

I cannot express the testimony I have of food storage. When Mark was laid off 4 years ago (on our anniversary) we were concerned about many things. But the one thing we didn't have to worry about at all was if we could feed our family. Earthquake proofing (um...resistant-ing) our food storage room takes this peace to the next level. I have faith that because we have done our best, the Lord will bless us with less broken glass when The Big One hits.

Hope this helps answers some of your questions. If you have anymore, feel free to leave comments or email me. :-)  Happy storage-ing!!

Mom's Birthday

My mother's birthday was June 3rd. We (ok, Pam and Dad) decided to throw her a party in the canyon. It was a riot! We had just a great time. Here's a LOAD of pictures of the carnage.

Mom made bees for all the grandkids. After all, Deborah means beehive. ;-)

Dad...has made....FIRE!!!

Karson & Kaden practicing for their program.
 

Cute picture of Shelly & Sissa.



















 Teeth picker...



















Uh....brain picker?




















Don't you eat my roasty toasty Starburst!!

Hi Mom!!

Ella w/Uncle Mark






















 Landon's the King of Bunker Hill.


























Landon loved sitting in the grass.

























Landon loves his new hat from Grandpa.



























Say "cheese!!"






















Superhero Kaden!!




















Kaden & Garrett fishing with Grandpa.

Jump to Daddy!



















Landon watching Grandma's program with Grandpa.
























Landon is Superhero Bee!


























Mom's present - We gave her a necklace and wall hanging about family history & family trees.




















Ryan and Garrett fishing.

























Garrett caught a fish!!

Now that's a marshmallow that Grandpa would LOVE!!


























Ella?!?! Where's your bellybutton?


























Little Ella Bella Boo.























She is entirely too tiny to be allowed. ;-)

























Mmmmmmmmmmmm......crab salad.





















Abby & Chase sitting on the big rock.






















Aw! Cousins!!



















Kaden & Garrett fishing with Grandpa. The river was so high!!
























Ally's showing me her muscles!
























Poor Abby with her broken arm.




















Abby & Ally. I love these girls!



















And to top it off......


What birthday would be complete without a couple of renditions of Bon Jovi's Livin' On A Prayer? (Notice that Brynlee isn't singing.) More evidence that we don't own Guitar Hero or Rock Band.






Take it Luke!!!!








Happy birthday Mom! Hope you had as much fun as we did. Love you!!

To go or not to go....that is the ????

The mail arrived today, as it does every day. Bill. Bill. Bill. Junk. Hmmmmm...something addressed to Mr. and Mrs. Mark Fugal. Usually, those are wedding announcements or thank you's. Since we've had 4 weddings in the last month, we assumed it was a thank you. Wrong. It was an invitation. Not a wedding invitation.... a graduation invitation.

I became friends with Breanna when she was just 5 years old. Our contact was typical where neighbors are concerned. BBQ's and fireworks in the summer, ward activities, etc. But I still vividly remember the first question she ever asked me directly. I was 24 years old. She was 7.

"Cori. Why don't you want your baby?"

She asked me that question 11 1/2 years ago while sitting by me during her family's Christmas party. We were playing "butt charades". (You spell Christmas words with your butt while others guess what the word is. It was hilarious!!) By then, I was 8 months pregnant and as big as a house. I had been invited to the family's Christmas party so that they could meet the birthmother who would soon place her child for adoption in their home and I could meet the people that would become my child's new family. I was nervous but welcomed warmly by Breanna's parents, grandparents, uncles, aunts and cousins. They were, after all, my next door neighbors. :-)

Breanna laid her head on my arm and out it came. "Cori. Why don't you want your baby." Somehow, I knew it wasn't about why I "didn't want my baby". Instead, it was "why didn't MY birthmother want ME."  Breanna had been adopted too. However, she did not know anything about her birthmother. Adoptions were much less open 18 years ago than they are now. Her younger sister had been also adopted several years after Breanna but they had met the birthmother/birthgrandparents. I was probably the closest thing to a "real" birthmother that she would meet, next to her own. I took her hand as the full weight of the question hit me. This was a question that had to be answered tactfully.

"I do want my baby Breanna. I love my baby. I want him to have both a mom AND a dad...with brothers and sisters that love him. I can't think of anyone better to be a big sister than you. He won't have that for a long time if he stays with me. Will you love him if I let him be your baby brother?" A big grin came over her face. "Oh yes. I'll tell him I know who his birthmother is and I'm lucky to be his sister." I don't know if this answered her question or not but it seemed to pacify her for the time being.

While I am not Breanna's birthmother, over the years, maybe I've been a face to the birthmother that she doesn't know. She has blossomed into a beautiful, talented young lady and I love her dearly. It's hard to believe that she is 18 already. I am looking forward to seeing her family again too. However, one fact slaps me out of my reminiscing like a glass of ice cold water........Bre's brother used to be my son.....He will be at the graduation....This is where the problem lies...

Brandon and I have corresponded a few times in the last year. However, I have not seen him since he was a year old. 10 years is a long time. I want this to be Breanna's day. This is not the time to be focusing on a "reunion" between Brandon and myself. With that said, we WILL see each other. This has caused me great anxiety. The vision/dream/reality of a birthmother/child reunion is one that is rehersed in the recesses of a birthmother's mind, quite often, especially as the child gets older...and even more so with open adoptions like I have. Expectations of the reunion are very different for each party. I am not concerned about his parents and myself. We were friends for many years before the adoption. Terri (Brandon's mother) and I spoke at local high schools about teen pregnancy and adoption for many years. Steve (Brandon's father) is a wonderful man and we have a great relationship. Not growing up with any brothers myself, he served as much more than an adoptive father to Brandon. He is the brother I never had.(Well...at least until my sisters got married.) :-) It's just that the logistics of working out a "non-reunion" reunion that will make everyone comfortable are staggering.

So the question is....to go...or not to go. I have emailed Terri and asked her advice. I am operating under the assumption that I will decide to attend Breanna's graduation. But how will I keep bottled up 11 years of emotion? How do I put 11 years of "I love you's" into a "Hi Brandon!" and a handshake while trying to keep it light and upbeat? What if he is expecting more "love" and is disappointed at the "reservation"...only because I am physically restraining myself from breaking down? It's enough to drive a person crazy.

All I can do at this point is pray. Pray that we will all know what to do when the time comes. This will be a joyous and melancholy day that just might kill me either way.

Tired boy

Poor Landon!! He had just eaten a big piece of Brynlee's birthday cake and was WAY too quiet. (Mark and I were doing dishes. Brynlee was in her room and Landon was in the front room.) We came to see what he was doing. This is what we found....




I love this boy of mine!!

Brynlee's birthday

Yes, Brynlee is officially 7 today. Since Mark was going out of town, we celebrated her birthday a few days early.

This last Christmas, I did a lot of sewing projects. Ever since, Brynlee has been asking to use my sewing machine. So for her birthday, we decided to get her a sewing machine.

It is a child's sewing machine but it does actually sew. Brynlee was SO excited. Grandma Debbie gave her some rick rack, fabric and a "build a bear" that she could sew at home. She was thrilled and has been asking every day to get started. (Mom just had to get through the Easter program first.) I asked her what her first project was going to be. She said she wanted to make a "luck blanket" for Landon. (If you sleep with a luck blanket, you will have good luck the next day". :-) I love this girl of mine.

When I asked her what kind of cake she wanted, she said "Rosetta!". For those of you who aren't familiar, here is Rosetta...

She is the garden fairy friend of Tinkerbell. I decided to try using fondant again. I tried last year to make fondant Thomas cake for Landon's birthday. It had disastrous results. Thankfully, for Brynlee's cake, I had the help of a girl in our ward who had used fondant before. We both mixed the color and I made the smaller items. She rolled and placed the skirt and helped with smoothing the flower. Here's how it went...

It's strawberry marble cake with strawberry frosting. I just traced a hibiscus shape for the flower.

Here is the flower covered in fondant. I painted it later but it didn't look so great.

Here is Rosetta with the fondant complete. Melanie (the girl in my ward) helped with the fondant. I especially appreciated the thought she put into the bodice. Most Barbie cakes are strapless or have spaghetti straps. I appreciate that she made it modest by putting sleeves and a higher neck on it. Melanie is a great girl and I wish every young woman could be like her.

Flower and Rosetta done. Notice the thumb print in the flower, courtesy of a certain 2 year old. :-)

Appliques that went on the cake.

Cake complete with sign and flowers. The painting in the seams of the flowers was still wet. I smoothed it after it dried and it looked much better.

Brynlee with her Rosetta cake.

After her birthday cake, we went to Pirate Island Pizza in Orem. We told her she could invite one friend and she chose her Auntie Pam. (Corinne's youngest sister.)

 We had a marvelous time!! Landon even decided to play a "ball drop" game and won the jackpot of 260 tickets!!!

Brynlee also got a new pair of PJ's from mom & dad.

We love our Brynlee and are so grateful to have her in our lives. She is such a good helper to me. She is a good example to her younger brother and is extremely patient with him. He's a bit of a bully to her and she is truly kind and long-suffering where he is concerned. She is constantly sacrificing herself so that others can have a turn, be comfortable, be included, etc. We wouldn't trade her for the world.

We love you Brynlee and are so glad you are ours!! Forever and ever and ever and ever!!