All is still on Google Docs and a layer of dust gathers over the blank entries which were supposed to be filled. Desolation slowly infuses the stale and still air as two individuals who have covenanted to be of mutual encouragement abandoned the common space.
"Let's be intentional about our faith" said which such gusto now rings with deep hollowness. Its memory stands erect with accusing fingers and fiery eyes which bore deep into my conscience. You have abandoned your calling and capitulated to the demands of the world! You ran off with the prostitutes of work and other commitments that have distracted you and led you far away.
"Shaun, I have created a google document for us to encourage each other with a short reflection from our daily reading of Acts." This followed an agreement to read through the book of Acts together. We would meditatively reflect on a chapter each day without fail and write a short reflection. Two weeks was all it took before I began to procrastinate uploading my daily reflections. I started to lag behind by a day and soon, a whole week went by without a single entry. When the looming examinations raised the heat and demanded all my time, this became the sacrificial lamb which was offered to the idol of good grades. Shaun probably took his cue from me and began to slack off too. The fault is solely mine to bare as I have taken on the responsibility of discipling him and my own lack of discipline and hypocrisy have finally made themselves visible.
Now that my exams are over and I returned to view the document, guilt washes over me and I am once again reminded how light my words are. Commitments and promises so easily roll of my tongue, but they carry no weight. They are lighter than feathers--inconsequential and hence meaningless. I need to set my own affairs in order before I deign to tell Shaun how to order his. Let this be a sombre lesson to persist and be intentional.
Please keep me accountable on this issue
02 December 2011
26 October 2011
This and that side of the fence
Water sustains life, but it can also take it away--often very mercilessly. The recent flood which engulfed many parts of Thailand bears witness to the fearsome destructive power of rushing water.
Looking through numerous photos of the aftermath broke my heart. Desperation, material deprivation, wasted livestock, caged pigs trapped as water levels rose converged in a heart-wrenching account of suffering. I can never fully understand the intense pain, agony and total helplessness they are forced to endure. Pain and pleasure have indeed been unequally distributed.
Natural disasters peel back the veneer of our presumed mastery over the created order to reveal vulnerable and bruised people. Worse still, those severely affected by these unforgiving upheavals are the poor and unimportant people who the government has no regard and use for. Help and relief aid are slow and begrudgingly given. At best, the government puts up a show for the benefit of good publicity before the global media. Why should the government exert itself? After all, these people won't be able to return the favor.
This happens on the other side of the fence. The poor are invisible to us here on this side of things. They are stripped of their names, faces and histories. Their lives are flattened into disjointed pictures and breaking news that flash on our glossy flat screen TVs in between entertainment programs. Scenes of destruction and poverty are quickly inundated by adverts cajoling us to buy the latest goods or subscribe to new services that promise to place us a cut above the rest. We are constantly subjected to an unending stream of random info-bytes and trivia. Is it any wonder why we have become so distracted, mindless and restless? We are so addicted to entertainment that we feel empty when these are taken away, even for a day. Our frenzied scurrying around and unceasing transition from one form of stimulus to another conceals the yawning emptiness at the center of our lives.
Secure in our material comfort and distracted by the unceasing entertainment afforded by technology (i.e. 24 hr movie channels, iPhone game apps and etc), the plight of our unfortunate neighbors becomes merely a blip in our overly stimulated consciousness. Is this what we as Christians should be in response to God's command to love God and neighbor? I think not!
In indicting others, I point the accusing finger at myself. Have I fallen into the same state of over stimulation and distractedness? I think the answer is yes.
Viewing the plight of the Thais has once again enliven my desire to distance myself from the maddening and oppressive clout of media-saturated living. I would like to reaffirm my commitment not to give in to watching TV (especially soap operas) as it fosters a trivializing attitude, intellectual sloth and disengagement. I also do not want it to shape my world and perceptions. In short, I want to intentional about the influences I allow into my life.
Taking time to pray for others, especially for people in different parts of the world experiencing injustice and material lack puts myself in a position of allowing God to prod and shape me. Extending hospitality and help to others enable me to see my own weakness and vulnerability in others and so guard against arrogance and pride.
Also, I desire to be intentional in the way I communicate. It takes effort and practice to avoid the doublespeak that plagues our government and media and to speak candidly, openly and responsibly so that my words enlighten and build up rather than obfuscate and enslave.
Help me oh Lord.
Looking through numerous photos of the aftermath broke my heart. Desperation, material deprivation, wasted livestock, caged pigs trapped as water levels rose converged in a heart-wrenching account of suffering. I can never fully understand the intense pain, agony and total helplessness they are forced to endure. Pain and pleasure have indeed been unequally distributed.
Natural disasters peel back the veneer of our presumed mastery over the created order to reveal vulnerable and bruised people. Worse still, those severely affected by these unforgiving upheavals are the poor and unimportant people who the government has no regard and use for. Help and relief aid are slow and begrudgingly given. At best, the government puts up a show for the benefit of good publicity before the global media. Why should the government exert itself? After all, these people won't be able to return the favor.
This happens on the other side of the fence. The poor are invisible to us here on this side of things. They are stripped of their names, faces and histories. Their lives are flattened into disjointed pictures and breaking news that flash on our glossy flat screen TVs in between entertainment programs. Scenes of destruction and poverty are quickly inundated by adverts cajoling us to buy the latest goods or subscribe to new services that promise to place us a cut above the rest. We are constantly subjected to an unending stream of random info-bytes and trivia. Is it any wonder why we have become so distracted, mindless and restless? We are so addicted to entertainment that we feel empty when these are taken away, even for a day. Our frenzied scurrying around and unceasing transition from one form of stimulus to another conceals the yawning emptiness at the center of our lives.
Secure in our material comfort and distracted by the unceasing entertainment afforded by technology (i.e. 24 hr movie channels, iPhone game apps and etc), the plight of our unfortunate neighbors becomes merely a blip in our overly stimulated consciousness. Is this what we as Christians should be in response to God's command to love God and neighbor? I think not!
In indicting others, I point the accusing finger at myself. Have I fallen into the same state of over stimulation and distractedness? I think the answer is yes.
Viewing the plight of the Thais has once again enliven my desire to distance myself from the maddening and oppressive clout of media-saturated living. I would like to reaffirm my commitment not to give in to watching TV (especially soap operas) as it fosters a trivializing attitude, intellectual sloth and disengagement. I also do not want it to shape my world and perceptions. In short, I want to intentional about the influences I allow into my life.
Taking time to pray for others, especially for people in different parts of the world experiencing injustice and material lack puts myself in a position of allowing God to prod and shape me. Extending hospitality and help to others enable me to see my own weakness and vulnerability in others and so guard against arrogance and pride.
Also, I desire to be intentional in the way I communicate. It takes effort and practice to avoid the doublespeak that plagues our government and media and to speak candidly, openly and responsibly so that my words enlighten and build up rather than obfuscate and enslave.
Help me oh Lord.
12 October 2011
A grief re-observed
Ticking clocks can be pretty frightening when they reminded me how quickly a full year has made a quiet exit through the inconspicuous rear door of history. Not even the train of her gown was seen disappearing through the doorway.
Whenever I hear your favorite hymn or lovingly behold your 'corner', I picture your small frame and the gentle smile that pulled back wrinkled folds of skin to reveal a cheerful countenance. Though you were gone before I could say goodbye, your presence has never left my heart. Your loving memory will remain embellished in my affections.
I cannot help but release a long sigh and allow tears to flow freely. Like a thin scab over a gaping wound, my emotions are still raw and tender even after so many months. This is how much you really mattered to me.
May you rest in peace and full assurance till our Lord returns.
10 October 2011
Technopolis' Shrine
"Technical civilization is man's conquest of space. It is a triumph frequently achieved by sacrificing an essential ingredient of existence, namely, time. In technical civilization, we expend time to gain space. To enhance our powers in the world of space is our main objective. Yet to have more does not mean to be more. The power we attain in the world of space terminates abruptly at the borderline of time. But time is the heart of existence."
Abraham Heschel did not live to witness the turn of the 21st century, or the explosion of information (misinformation rather) into every nook and corner of our consciousness. Though separated by time, his polemic continues to haunt our modern conscience. The urgency of his plea needs fresh hearing in a world obsessed with speed, efficiency and accomplishment. In a bid to maximize time by packing as much activities into each second of our waking hours, we have ironically sacrificed the very thing we sought to preserve.
Reading Heschel's seminal work once again brought me to reflect on my uncritical allegiance to the modern criterion of efficiency. It has weaved so seamlessly into the fabric of my life that it is no longer confined to simply desiring to complete each task quickly. Were it so, I might have had less cause for alarm. Yet as it stands, efficiency has evolved into a powerfully entrenched idol that holds sway over my entire outlook and constitutes the driving force of my life. It has colored my perception of people and has raised an oppressive yardstick against which I measure everyone and everything.
I have hence embraced an unconscious position where a person's worth is acknowledged based on productivity or accomplishments. Hence, it becomes second nature to disregard those whose station in life are lower than mine. Hence, the clerk at the check out counter or a beggar on the street can be treated with disdain and disrespect. On another level, the obsession with accomplishments fuels the gnawing sense of insecurity concerning my self worth and drives me deeper into a frenzy about needing to produce or prove myself. It also makes me envious and bitter towards those who are more successful. The idol of efficiency and the struggle for security distorts the way I perceive my neighbor and jettisons my ability to love him/her.
On a broader scale, the conviction that human worth is unevenly distributed, if brought to its logical conclusions, justifies oppressive practices of ethnocentrism, racism and hatred that condone the subjugation of supposedly inferior human groups under their supposedly more advanced counterparts. We see instances of this in the regrettable and objectionable behavior of western imperialism where white men deigned to lord it over their helpless colonial subjects. In the new world, ancestors of today's Americans perpetrated the horrendous genocide of the aboriginal community and actively practiced racial segregation.
The bible firmly critiques this oppressive and tragic outworking of human sin by affirming that every individual, no matter how deformed or degraded, is a vehicle of the divine. Each human stands equal as bearers of the image of the King of kings and Lord of lords. This rightful view of self and neighbor breaks the yoke of our instrumental attitude toward others and sustains an equalizing force that brings us down from our high horses. We are liberated by this understanding to celebrate the uniqueness of each person and to love them for who they are rather than what they can possibly do for us.
The biblical worldview breaks down the idols of efficiency and accomplishment as the criteria for our relationships. It brings us back to the essence of our lives--time. In acknowledging the infinite worth of each person and the call to love them, we are compelled to set aside the need to prove ourselves and invest our lives (the currency of which is time) in building up others. In doing so, we regain a proper regard and experience of time.
This is an important aspect of what it means to be a Christian and one that leaves much to be desired in my life. Lord, teach me to stop valuing others by the very standards I know to be vacuous and enslaving. Help me celebrate the uniqueness of the people around and cease projecting my expectations onto them.
Abraham Heschel did not live to witness the turn of the 21st century, or the explosion of information (misinformation rather) into every nook and corner of our consciousness. Though separated by time, his polemic continues to haunt our modern conscience. The urgency of his plea needs fresh hearing in a world obsessed with speed, efficiency and accomplishment. In a bid to maximize time by packing as much activities into each second of our waking hours, we have ironically sacrificed the very thing we sought to preserve.
Reading Heschel's seminal work once again brought me to reflect on my uncritical allegiance to the modern criterion of efficiency. It has weaved so seamlessly into the fabric of my life that it is no longer confined to simply desiring to complete each task quickly. Were it so, I might have had less cause for alarm. Yet as it stands, efficiency has evolved into a powerfully entrenched idol that holds sway over my entire outlook and constitutes the driving force of my life. It has colored my perception of people and has raised an oppressive yardstick against which I measure everyone and everything.
I have hence embraced an unconscious position where a person's worth is acknowledged based on productivity or accomplishments. Hence, it becomes second nature to disregard those whose station in life are lower than mine. Hence, the clerk at the check out counter or a beggar on the street can be treated with disdain and disrespect. On another level, the obsession with accomplishments fuels the gnawing sense of insecurity concerning my self worth and drives me deeper into a frenzy about needing to produce or prove myself. It also makes me envious and bitter towards those who are more successful. The idol of efficiency and the struggle for security distorts the way I perceive my neighbor and jettisons my ability to love him/her.
On a broader scale, the conviction that human worth is unevenly distributed, if brought to its logical conclusions, justifies oppressive practices of ethnocentrism, racism and hatred that condone the subjugation of supposedly inferior human groups under their supposedly more advanced counterparts. We see instances of this in the regrettable and objectionable behavior of western imperialism where white men deigned to lord it over their helpless colonial subjects. In the new world, ancestors of today's Americans perpetrated the horrendous genocide of the aboriginal community and actively practiced racial segregation.
The bible firmly critiques this oppressive and tragic outworking of human sin by affirming that every individual, no matter how deformed or degraded, is a vehicle of the divine. Each human stands equal as bearers of the image of the King of kings and Lord of lords. This rightful view of self and neighbor breaks the yoke of our instrumental attitude toward others and sustains an equalizing force that brings us down from our high horses. We are liberated by this understanding to celebrate the uniqueness of each person and to love them for who they are rather than what they can possibly do for us.
The biblical worldview breaks down the idols of efficiency and accomplishment as the criteria for our relationships. It brings us back to the essence of our lives--time. In acknowledging the infinite worth of each person and the call to love them, we are compelled to set aside the need to prove ourselves and invest our lives (the currency of which is time) in building up others. In doing so, we regain a proper regard and experience of time.
This is an important aspect of what it means to be a Christian and one that leaves much to be desired in my life. Lord, teach me to stop valuing others by the very standards I know to be vacuous and enslaving. Help me celebrate the uniqueness of the people around and cease projecting my expectations onto them.
07 October 2011
'I' is a fearsome foe
Every eye must weep alone
Till I will be overthrown.
But I will can be removed,
Not having sense enough
To guard against I know,
But I will can be removed.
Then all I's can meet and grow,
I Am become I Love
I Have Not I am Loved,
Then all I's can meet and grow.
Till I will be overthrown
Every eye must weep alone.
(W. H. Auden)
When sleep fled and I was alone in the darkness that enfolded my room, I could faintly make out the iridescent stars scattered along the walls. An inexplicable heaviness weighed in and I was acutely aware of the dull aches in my back--pulsating to the beat of an inaudible melody. My mind, suddenly alive, took flight into a different realm, bringing in tow a string of random thoughts, regrets, hopes and fragmented dreams.
What does the future hold? Where will I be a few years down the road? Will I become someone important in life? These and a thousand other questions inundated my conscious mind. How addictive it was to indulge in fantasies that stoke the ego and built grand monuments in celebration of the self.
The glorified 'I' decked in splendor reaches out for supremacy.
"I am and there is none besides me!"
How terrifying these words sound! It marks the start of a steep nosedive into a bottomless abyss. What a cruel twist of irony where the unending quest for self leads to its ultimate demise.
Why then do these voices continue to hypnotize and enchant me? The glorious Kingdom of God appears distant and ephemeral, overshadowed by the glitzy appeal of the present age. My heart and mind are suspended between two realities and the tension is draining the life from within. Mammon appears to be winning in this cosmic tug of war and my will feels drugged and crippled.
Rise again oh my soul, and let Thy will be done in my life. Christ has defeated the principalities and powers of the world.
Till I will be overthrown.
But I will can be removed,
Not having sense enough
To guard against I know,
But I will can be removed.
Then all I's can meet and grow,
I Am become I Love
I Have Not I am Loved,
Then all I's can meet and grow.
Till I will be overthrown
Every eye must weep alone.
(W. H. Auden)
When sleep fled and I was alone in the darkness that enfolded my room, I could faintly make out the iridescent stars scattered along the walls. An inexplicable heaviness weighed in and I was acutely aware of the dull aches in my back--pulsating to the beat of an inaudible melody. My mind, suddenly alive, took flight into a different realm, bringing in tow a string of random thoughts, regrets, hopes and fragmented dreams.
What does the future hold? Where will I be a few years down the road? Will I become someone important in life? These and a thousand other questions inundated my conscious mind. How addictive it was to indulge in fantasies that stoke the ego and built grand monuments in celebration of the self.
The glorified 'I' decked in splendor reaches out for supremacy.
"I am and there is none besides me!"
How terrifying these words sound! It marks the start of a steep nosedive into a bottomless abyss. What a cruel twist of irony where the unending quest for self leads to its ultimate demise.
Why then do these voices continue to hypnotize and enchant me? The glorious Kingdom of God appears distant and ephemeral, overshadowed by the glitzy appeal of the present age. My heart and mind are suspended between two realities and the tension is draining the life from within. Mammon appears to be winning in this cosmic tug of war and my will feels drugged and crippled.
Rise again oh my soul, and let Thy will be done in my life. Christ has defeated the principalities and powers of the world.
06 October 2011
The pitfalls of knowledge
Glancing at the stacks of books I've acquired at a pace that outstrips my reading, feelings of guilt and exasperation wash over me. These cherished volumes which once brought me delight and a sense of pride now stand as accusers before me. They indict me for knowledge that has not made the 6 inch descent into my heart.
I read voraciously--practically anything I could get my hands on. Over the last three years, I've read more than a thousand pages from a wide variety of Christian literature: Christian living, Theology, missions and etc. I have gained head knowledge, but alas, all in vain! What good is 'strong' theology without corresponding life transformation?
I am nothing but a hypocrite. A liar.
At the start of this semester, the Lord in His mercy stirred a deep yearning within me to start anew. Moved by the writings of Marva J. Dawn, I decided to keep the Sabbath in honor of God. 'In The Beginning God' challenged me to adopt a God-centric reading of Genesis (and by extension the entire Bible) which will shape my life and build godly character. These efforts are part of a renewed desire to be intentional about being a Christian.
Knowing how quickly I forsake my resolutions, God stirred the heart of my pastor to start a "back to basics" accountability group together with WL. I was honestly hesitant to start out on this journey. My enthusiasm is fleeting and soon this will become a burden or an elaborate ritual at best. Despite my misgivings, I sense an invitation from God to begin a work of transformation that I badly need. I pray that consciously returning to the basics of praying, meditating on the word and honest sharing will bear fruits in time.
I read voraciously--practically anything I could get my hands on. Over the last three years, I've read more than a thousand pages from a wide variety of Christian literature: Christian living, Theology, missions and etc. I have gained head knowledge, but alas, all in vain! What good is 'strong' theology without corresponding life transformation?
I am nothing but a hypocrite. A liar.
At the start of this semester, the Lord in His mercy stirred a deep yearning within me to start anew. Moved by the writings of Marva J. Dawn, I decided to keep the Sabbath in honor of God. 'In The Beginning God' challenged me to adopt a God-centric reading of Genesis (and by extension the entire Bible) which will shape my life and build godly character. These efforts are part of a renewed desire to be intentional about being a Christian.
Knowing how quickly I forsake my resolutions, God stirred the heart of my pastor to start a "back to basics" accountability group together with WL. I was honestly hesitant to start out on this journey. My enthusiasm is fleeting and soon this will become a burden or an elaborate ritual at best. Despite my misgivings, I sense an invitation from God to begin a work of transformation that I badly need. I pray that consciously returning to the basics of praying, meditating on the word and honest sharing will bear fruits in time.
Gracing words
"When the time comes to you at which you will be forced at last to utter the speech which has lain at the center of your souls for years, which you have, all that time, idiot-like, been saying over and over, you'll not talk about the joy of words. I saw well why the gods do not speak to us openly, nor let us answer. Till that word can be dug out of us, why should they hear the babble that we think we mean? How can they meet us face to face till we have faces?" (C. S. Lewis)
Rooms. Partitions. Bunkers.
Compartmentalization is a dominant feature that diffuses through society. Buildings, ocean vessels and even human hearts have segregated spaces. Some have purely mechanical functions, but others are constructed to sustain widely diverging and often contradictory lifestyles and habits. Society encourages this by socializing people to keep religion and other 'inconvenient' choices to the inward dimension. We are also told that each person has a private and public persona. We all have many faces and are to some extent a different person to different people. What hope then is there for honest, open and vulnerable sharing? How can we truly communicate till we have Faces?
I've titled this blog as an invitation to catch a glimpse of the real person beneath the protective social identity which I hope to dismantle in exchange for an integrated life--one where my word and deeds meet both in public and in private. I dare not presume that the details of my private life should be of interest to anyone; yet, because I know that I'm surrounded by people who care for me, this space is my way of sharing my life and inviting you to hold me accountable.
But why a blog and not something more personal like face-to-face conversations? Blogging is certainly less personal and a poor substitute but it's the best I can offer at this juncture. Introversion often reduces me to a bundle of nerves whenever I attempt to share anything personal. My speech becomes impaired and the cat runs off with my tongue. This isn't a convenient excuse to side step the issue, but a gentle plea for your loving patience as the Lord enables me to gain the confidence to step out.
Writing has always been my preferred medium of expression only because I have little affinity with other means. Words seldom come to me naturally and I often labor long and hard over each word I pen. Even so, the solitude that accompanies the mental exertion is therapeutic and liberates me to be myself.
May the unfolding chronological snapshots of my journey in but not of this world present a humbling portrait of my all-too-human frailty and highlight the sustaining Grace from the One who deigned to pitch His tent among us.
Rooms. Partitions. Bunkers.
Compartmentalization is a dominant feature that diffuses through society. Buildings, ocean vessels and even human hearts have segregated spaces. Some have purely mechanical functions, but others are constructed to sustain widely diverging and often contradictory lifestyles and habits. Society encourages this by socializing people to keep religion and other 'inconvenient' choices to the inward dimension. We are also told that each person has a private and public persona. We all have many faces and are to some extent a different person to different people. What hope then is there for honest, open and vulnerable sharing? How can we truly communicate till we have Faces?
I've titled this blog as an invitation to catch a glimpse of the real person beneath the protective social identity which I hope to dismantle in exchange for an integrated life--one where my word and deeds meet both in public and in private. I dare not presume that the details of my private life should be of interest to anyone; yet, because I know that I'm surrounded by people who care for me, this space is my way of sharing my life and inviting you to hold me accountable.
But why a blog and not something more personal like face-to-face conversations? Blogging is certainly less personal and a poor substitute but it's the best I can offer at this juncture. Introversion often reduces me to a bundle of nerves whenever I attempt to share anything personal. My speech becomes impaired and the cat runs off with my tongue. This isn't a convenient excuse to side step the issue, but a gentle plea for your loving patience as the Lord enables me to gain the confidence to step out.
Writing has always been my preferred medium of expression only because I have little affinity with other means. Words seldom come to me naturally and I often labor long and hard over each word I pen. Even so, the solitude that accompanies the mental exertion is therapeutic and liberates me to be myself.
May the unfolding chronological snapshots of my journey in but not of this world present a humbling portrait of my all-too-human frailty and highlight the sustaining Grace from the One who deigned to pitch His tent among us.
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