Michael,
This Friday will mark our 11th wedding anniversary.
This is always a bittersweet time of year for me. Between Father's Day, our anniversary on the 24th, and your death date on the 30th, it is definitely a time of remembering.
Here is a card Andi made you on Father's Day this last Sunday. I was so impressed that she made it on her own account without me asking. She gave it to me and asked me to put it on your grave:
It has become more apparent with age that she feels a very real connection to you, and that although she was only about two when you passed, she still has memories of you. The feelings she felt while with you, the sound of your voice, the way you loved and played with her...they live inside of her.
Being around your family, some more than others, has a way of bringing these things back to her. That is something I can understand to the core of my soul--Being around your family can make me either want to shout with joy or cry in horror. Both maybe. They have your expressions, your exuberance, mannerisms, voice. How wonderful it is to feel so close to you once again while we're with them! But it can definitely stir the soul and it takes a while to find ground again. I hope and pray I am helping Andi through all of these many feelings. As any parent would, but especially you, I try to focus on the positive with her as we work through this stuff. I must admit that trying to comfort her during those difficult times of wanting her Daddy Michael can be crushing. I also know, though, that during so many of these times I have felt so strong--as if someone was literally carrying the sorrow for me so I can be strong for her.
Yes, these experiences since your loss are teaching me much--and they aren't limited to experiences with Andi and her grief. Helping Andi's sisters process their grief for their mom is another very real part of our story--but for the purposes of this blog post and for expressing my love and grief for you, I'll limit it to just Andi and me.
Jeremy stopped by last week as he was on his way to his in-laws. Conversations with your friends are also another bittersweet experience for me. Just like with your family, I'm so glad to see their faces and reminisce. I'm glad to be able to share my love for you with them. And glad to maybe share a little bit of mutual grief to an audience that understands. It's often awkward trying to expose them to my new life--that I am becoming ever more proud of and grateful for--while also wanting to revisit our memories of you. Regardless, I love and miss each of them and they make me feel closer to you, even for mere moments, which I again incites much heartfelt gratitude.
I found a children's book that makes me think of you so much. The first time I read it, I cried and cried! I know it sounds ridiculous, but I can honestly hear you saying the words to me and Andi. I feel I was given this book as a supernal gift. The words and illustrations are breathtaking to me...Its message captures the feelings I've had since your death and my hopes for you and Andi. The book is called Wherever You Are My Love Will Find You by Nancy Tillman.
This is what it says:
I wanted you more than you ever will know,
so I sent love to follow wherever you go.
It's as high as you wish it. It's quick as an elf.
You'll never outgrow it--it stretches itself!
So climb any mountain...
climb up to the sky!
My love will find you.
My love can fly!
Make a big splash! Go out on a limb!
My love will find you. My love can swim!
It never gets lost, never fades, never ends...
if you're working...
or playing...
or sitting with friends.
You can dance 'til you're dizzy...
paint 'til you're blue...
There's no place, not one,
that my love can't find you.
And if someday you're lonely,
or someday you're sad,
or you strike out at baseball,
or think you've been bad...
just lift up your face, feel the wind in your hair.
That's me, my sweet baby, my love is right there.
In the green of the grass...
in the smell of the sea...
in the clouds floating by....
at the top of a tree...in the sound
crickets make at the end of the day...
"You are loved. You are loved. You are loved," they all say.
My love is so high, and so wide and so deep,
it's always right there,
even when you're asleep.
So hold your head high and don't be afraid
to march to the front of your own parade.
If you're still my small babe or you're all the way grown,
my promise to you is you're never alone.
You are my angel, my darling,
my star...and my love will find you,
wherever you are.
Even still as I re-read these words over and over again, to myself and to Andi, I feel you beside us, urging its message.
Just a few of the beautiful illustrations:
This book now sits on my "display shelf" in my house, where I like to display some of my most cherished things. It truly touches my heart so much and I am so grateful to find another source to help me feel of your presence and love once again.
You know, during those short five years of our marriage, I don't remember wanting for much. I'm sure I had expectations (that you could probably say something about), but I can honestly say I didn't dream of big houses and tons of money. I didn't pine for boats, a lavish wardrobe, or fancy jewelry. I just wanted a simple, secure life. Where everything had its place.
That has not happened. So far my life has been far beyond that simple vision I once hoped for. But this lack of simplicity and abundance of tough life lessons (laced with many, many abundant blessings as well) keep reminding me that while my heart will never be the same, I also know that yes, I will never be the same. I am a better person because of it all.
Dammit.
One last thing to share. I found a notebook at Deseret Book and the cover was so awesome I had to buy it. It's a sentiment I thought only you had:
Oh, the memories! Yes, this was you the night before you helped put out flags in our neighborhood. Every few months you had this task. And while you complained, were pushed and prodded, you always got 'er done. And at the end of it all, you were proud of your work. You took pride in your life's tasks and made the best of each job.
How grateful I am for the cherished memories I hold in my soul that belong to me and you together. I am so grateful I had the kind of relationship that I can now cherish and feel so happy to have been a part of. You are always a part of me and I love you endlessly.
xoxo
Lis
