Early Christmas Present

Lately...

It's been a busy fall.
Here are some pics of the latest:

DANCE CLASS! Andi has dance on Friday mornings with her friend, Anastasia Chandler. It's been so cute watching these cute little three year-olds do this. They stretch, dance with fairy wands, dance in tap shoes and ballet shoes, the works. Andi will come home and tell me that they learned to "sashay" or "passay." I have no idea what all this is, but darling, nevertheless.

Disney on Ice! Another excuse to see Andi's favorite princess: ARIEL!

My Harry

Aunt Bethie at her baby shower for little Gigi! Can't wait to meet her.

Ariel herself

At the doctor's waiting room--She loves the big fish there

My favorite little girl in the whole world

Pa givin' his girl a shoulder ride when we went to Maddox for Great Grandpa Carter's birthday

Having some Halloween celebrations and G & G Allen's

At the Griffin's for Halloween...our yearly tradition. Cute Chase and Andi.

A sleeping beauty. :)

The day Andi's preschool class went to the fire station!

Andi and cousin Maelee at our house in September during an Allen family gathering.

Changes

To best illustrate the changes that have been happening as of late, here's an email I sent out to family and friends:


So I don't presume you're all terribly interested in the details of my life, but you're all important people to me and so I thought I should share with you what's been going on.

You all know about Eric and that we've been dating for a bit. I thought I'd tell you a bit more about him and our relationship so far....

When Michael passed I honestly couldn't imagine myself with anyone else. Obviously. I'm pretty sure I don't need to expound on that.
It's not like I thought to myself, "Well, I'd better get workin' 'cuz life without a hubby just ain't no good!"

But I do remember some distinct thoughts I did have throughout the past year's journey:
Like, I remember in November having the distinct thought that I needed to start being around some friends. I was realizing I was going to need some people to talk to and that I needed to get my mind off my freaking insane grief that was controlling my every thought.

As such, I made a point to contact a lot of my old friends and try to network that way.
I hung out with these old friends that were still single and hence very available to hang out with on the weekends and such.

The more I ended up hanging out with them, though, the more I thought it best to surround myself with widows, simply because they understand me on the level I have needed to be understood this past year.
So I made then made a point to be a part of the LDS widows group. Cheesy, I know, but it was seriously so nice to find these people.
I went to a few functions and I've met some wonderful people and made some life-long friends. I ended up meeting Eric in the spring, who was a part of the widows group as well. He was living in Montana at the time, though, so we just emailed back and forth. That was really nice. You know me...I love writing and emailing, so it was a nice way for me to talk to someone. Nothing too scary--Just enjoyable and nice to relate.
The first time he asked if he could actually call me on the phone I told him no.
But things eventually moved forward and with each subsequent step thereafter, the theme of the journey has been gratitude and surprise, laced with grief, hesitation, and confusion. In all of that grief and confusion, I've appreciated his easy-going demeanor and his sense of humor.

When we first met, Eric was already planning to move to Utah sometime later this year. His moving experience was kinda' cool--Once he decided to take the plunge, he put his house up for sale and one week later it was sold. Two weeks later he had a job in Salt Lake.
His in-laws are both retired BYU professors and have a nice home in Orem. (Yeah, I know, BYU. :) ) They have a separate basement apartment and offered him the place while he was looking for a house, so that's where he's been living.
So we've commuted quite a bit back and forth to each other's houses. We've had a lot of "playdates" with the girls, quite a bit of dates that require baby-sitters and planning ahead, and we've also had a lot of late nights driving from one place to the other. Sometimes with the kids, sometimes not.
(Can I just say that dating with kids is an entirely different experience than without...)

It's been interesting, to say the least.
With each introduction to one of his wife's family members, I was tempted to say, "Hi, I'm Lisa, and I'm sorry I'm here."
In learning of their experiences with losing Sheri, I've wanted them to know of my own grief and loss and how devastating it has been to lose Michael. Actually, I've really just wanted to cry and scream in my grief to tell them how badly I freaking understand.

At any rate, the relationship has progressed and Eric and I have decided to get married.
Yep, this has happened much more quickly than anything I ever imagined for myself.
It's weird and something for everyone to adjust to, including myself.
I made fun of all the widows this past year who got married so quickly.
But here's the thing:
While my grief is still very real, I also acknowledge that it will always be there.
And I know I wouldn't be happy letting Eric go. We're good for each other and I know being together is a good thing...No, a great thing. He's a very good man and I truly adore him.
The girls love being with each other and could absolutely use some structure and routine in their life again. (They may not adore love

other when they live together, eat together, and share toys and attention together, but ya know....)
I appreciate that loving Eric doesn't mean I have to love Michael any less. I also appreciate that loving Eric gives me some purpose in my pain.

I'm not stupid enough to think this is going to be complete bliss, though. We'll have our challenges, I'm sure. Being a stepmom will be interesting. It'll all be an adventure, I guess, just like everything else. But I have great confidence in this path I'm about to take. That said, I stand by my oft-repeated phrase, "I am not moving on, I'm just moving forward."
Michael is my heart and soul. Always will be. I will spend the rest of my days in efforts to keep him alive and to give honor to his name.
I realize it's only been a year and half at this point, and I know that time will take its course, but nothing can or will ever take Michael away from me. His presence will always be very alive in me and in Andi. I just know it to be true.

So I guess the point of all this is that I'm hoping you can all offer us support and that you can know of my love and gratitude for all of ya'.
I look forward to you guys getting to know Eric and the girls a bit more.

We'll be getting married sometime in January and we'll have an open house at the end of that month.
Eric and the girls will be moving in with me and Andi, and we'll be spending the next months preparing for all that.

I'm sure there will be some weird things to deal with and adjustments to make, like holidays and family gatherings and all that. So far I like the idea of Eric being able to spend time with his in-laws while we spend time with you guys.....At this point I feel the need to have "Michael time" separate from everything else, ya know? But anyway, time will tell. In the meantime know how much I love and appreciate you guys. We're always gonna' need y'all, so don't be leaving us in the dust or something dumb like that.
And please know that I'm here for you. I know this stuff isn't the easiest. I don't expect it to be any other way. Please just know of my convictions and love for Michael, Andi, and all of you guys.

xoxo

Lisa

So that was my email, and that pretty much summarizes what's been going on and how I feel.
The process of allowing myself to love another has been interesting. Very difficult and confusing at times, and in other times, it's been a wonderful blessing to go through it.
--Here's what I wrote down one day last month: "Last night I couldn't sleep--Just kept thinking and thinking and thinking. Actually beginning to feel comfort in moving forward--going with my authentic self and not fighting it. I prayed today that Michael would give me his blessing in moving forward. No one, esp. not him, can be replaced. Love you, Michael. Love your drive, passion, skill, smartness, relentless attitude..."

I have so much gratitude for those who have offered their incredible support. Thank you thank you!

In another effort to record this process I've been going through, I'll copy and paste part of an email I sent out to family a while ago:

In case you don't know much about Eric, he's a widower from Montana and has recently moved back to Utah. His girls are two and five years old.
It's been nice having someone around that understands me in a way not a lot of people can.

Also, just 'cuz I need to say it--
It's probably going to be kinda' weird having him around. Just do me a favor and expect it and try to prepare yourselves a little bit...if that's possible. Maybe it won't be a big deal for some of you. I'm pretty sure it's been weird and kinda' hard for my own family. And quite honestly, I'm confident in saying that I'm the one that's been most weirded out by all of this movement in my life. There are so many thoughts and emotions involved in all of this....There's no way I can or should even try to express to you this adventure I'm on, but please know this: I'm doing my best, I'm doing what I believe to be right, and I'm also hell bent on making this fact known: I'm not moving on, but I am trying to keep moving forward.
I hope so much, that you as my dear family can try to understand the depth of these experiences and try to support, love, and respect this process I'm going through. I don't know what the future will hold, but I do know that I'm just trying to figure things out and that I need love and support and I need my family to trust me, even when it might hard to do so.

In asking for all this love and support, I do want you to know that I don't expect you to not feel the reality of any of this. I wouldn't want it to be any different. I understand the thoughts and emotions and heartaches so very much, and I know we ALL have to keep trying to adjust to this new reality.
I think we're all just going to have to love and respect and help each other through these adjustments and changes.
I love you all so much. You know the Journey song that says, "Don't stop...believing...Hold on to the feelin'..."? I don't know why, but that dumb song keeps coming to mind when I think about all this stuff I've just been talking about. I can never "stop believing" in my forever family with Michael and I always have to just keep "holdin' on to the feelin'." ...To the awesome feelings that accompanied us as we lived our lives together. I love everything about him, but one particularly awesome thing about Michael is that being around him always meant there would be "feelin'." Does that make sense? He was and is just so full of life and passion and intensity. I love and miss that "feelin" of his presence.
I know we all do.

That's it for now.

Random Thoughts--Another Edition

I always like to write down in a notebook my random thoughts as my days come and go.
Here are some of my thoughts as of late:

--I came across a quote I love. Can't remember if I already posted it, but it was said by John Wooden: "Young people need models, not critics." Just love that...I want to remember that in my parenting. My parents were always so good about that and I think it really makes a difference.

--Another quote I found: "If we participate in redemptive service to others, we can, in some small measure, repay Him for His blessings."
Often in my times of feeling indebted to my Heavenly Father, it's good to be reminded of this thought. It isn't a mystery what we can and should do.

--I get these letters from a friend and she said some things in one letter that I loved: "This past week I taught a lesson on the postmortal Spirit world. One of the references in the manual was back to the Gospel Doctrine Manual on the Teachings of Brigham Young. He had a quote that impressed me about this mortal life. He said that he often hears people ask why they cannot see and converse with those who have gone to the spirit world and he responds, 'It is not reasonable that you should, it is not right that you should; perhaps you would miss the very object of your pursuit if you had this privilege, and there would not be the same trial of faith to exercise you, not so severe a path of affliction for you to walk in, not so great a battle to fight, nor so great a victory to win, and you would miss the very object you are in pursuit of.'"

--One day when I was having a moment of feeling freaking inadequate I read the scripture that says, "I am encompassed about, because of the temptations and the sins which do so easily beset me. And when I desire to rejoice, my heart groaneth because of my sins; NEVERTHELESS I know in whom I have trusted. My God hath been my support." Those words just seem so perfectly suited to my thoughts. Nephi continues to say, "O Lord, wilt thou redeem my soul?...Yea, I know that God will give liberally to him that asketh."

--Last month after I did visiting teaching I wrote this down: "The message was about personal revelation. Been thinking/wondering a lot about that lately. There was a quote by Julie Beck about learning and listening to the Spirit of revelation and realizing that it's a skill. It's learned. And that the more you follow it or whatever thought or feeling it is, the more you learn to recognize it as the true Spirit. Another thing discussed today was about how close the spirit world is and how close our loved ones beyond the veil are to us. I needed to be reminded of that."

--I was with Mom and Marion one day and she expressed an analogy she once heard that says something like losing a spouse is like having a brick in your pocket--It's always there--Sometimes you get used to it and sometimes it can be pretty heavy to bear. Good to hear from Marion who has always been so positive in her loss.

--I heard somewhere that it's "more powerful to be trusted than to be loved." Love that.

That's it for now.

More Memories

Michael,

My everyday thoughts always find a way to lead me down memory lane. The memory of you and 0ur memories together are often at the forefront of my mind.
Here are some memories that have come to mind the past while--Precious times I don't ever want to forget:

--Our experiences at ER's. The time in Arizona when I got hives and we didn't know what it was. You tried not to laugh at my swollen face. I was so dang uncomfortable. You were there at my side the whole dang night.
Then when I went to the ER in Ogden for my stupid ulcer. You were so understanding and nice about it. I was seriously sweating bullets. That was the day of Lydia's baptism, which upset me because I couldn't go.

--Do you remember the time in Arizona when we had your bike on our car's bike rack and we accidentally pulled into our apartment's carport without thinking? That was bad. But so funny. One of our neighbors came out and helped us.

--I remembered that one Saturday when we were in Arizona and we got all those shoes for you--Those Doc Marten sandals and those Tevas that you wore clear 'til the day of your death. My mom got you some Vans that year, too, that you wore a lot. Those were my faves of yours.
Andi has your toes, by the way. It's unmistakable.

--I loved how frank we could be with each other. We had no qualms about telling each other bathroom stories. Perhaps that's inappropriate to share, but it sure gave us some laughs. Reminds me of how you hated public bathrooms and how you'd put yourself through misery so as to avoid them.

--I used to get up way early when I was teaching. Harry would follow me upstairs and stay up there with me while I got ready. Then you'd come up and make yourself oatmeal with raisins and send me off. Not all the time, though. Oftentimes you'd get up at five with me. You'd work in your office 'til you went to work.

--Harry had to have another leg surgery this Fall. As his incision was healing, it got kinda' red and infected-looking. I remember this happening with his past surgeries and how I'd always consult you about it. You were always so diligent about keeping an eye on his stitches and putting Neosporin on them.

--I remembered that one night when our neighbor came over in a panic because she had a bird flying around in her house. You went over there and got it out for her. It was kinda' funny. You were the man. :)
That house of theirs was always the bain of our existence in that neighborhood. We spent many a time half-joking as we schemed about how we could get it torn down. It was quite a mess.

--There was a new house built in our Ogden neighborhood that was just our style: A perfectly constructed little Craftsman with all the custom work. You used to walk around it while it was being built. We took great note of it 'cuz we wanted to apply some of its style to our future remodeled Kaysville house.

--I remember the day I dropped my wedding ring down the bathroom sink and I called you in panic and tears. You were so calm about it. You came home that night and took the pipes apart to get it. So glad you got it.
Reminds me of the story behind your purchase of that ring. You learned all about diamond qualities and what all the ratings meant. You insisted on getting the most clear-cut ring out there. You also insisted on a round-cut diamond because that shape is supposed to provide the most pureness and clarity. I remember you often saying, "Nothin' but the best for my baby." :)

--When we redid our roof, you had to put a new ceiling fan in our bathroom. You were SO picky about which fan to purchase. You took forever to decide which one, and you of course decided the most powerful, expensive one was best. You wanted power and quietness all at the same time.

--Spoon tacos. You loved when I made those.

--The lights in our backyard. I was so excited when you put them up. It was so fun having them on, even in the summer. You were all about entertaining.

--I remembered how you used to get one of our big tall glasses and fill it with a ton of ice and a little bit of Mountain Dew. Then you'd chew on ice and watch UFC.

--I'll never forget when Andi was just over a year old and she got that terrible flu. We had to take her to the doctor for a bunch of miserable tests and you were there holding her the whole time.

----I was listening to Dave Ramsey the other day and it reminded me of his phrase to teach kids the "give, save, spend" system. Reminds me of Michael.

--Last month my car was broken into. They broke the window and stole my purse. Totally took me back to Michael and my days in Ogden. Ugh. Reminds me of how Michael used to say that if another theft incident occurred to us, that we were moving right then and there. Also reminds me of the graffiti that was once painted on the fence directly across the street. We woke up one morning to it and we were so disgusted.

--I was driving in our Kaysville neighborhood a while ago when I was once again reminded of our dreams to get there one day. We had such hope for that little house we bought and had so many fun plans for it. I loved that dream because I know it would have happened, and it would have been great. We still would have lived a modest lifestyle while also being able to fulfill our own fun little dreams.

--Sometimes we'd have these amazing little moments when our busy lives would stop and we'd look at each other in amazement, feeling so grateful for our blessings. We loved our baby girl, our little house, and the life we were building. Usually those moments happened on Sundays when we were able to slow down for a bit. But I do remember a few other times, like when we finished the big roofing project and we were so excited to keep making that house our own and to enjoy our little family.

--I'll never forget the Sunday after Chris died. We went to church and then came home, only to sit on the front bedroom bed in total silence for hours on end. It was terrible.

--Do you remember when we first met?--How you'd come over to my house and see me in my stupid leopard pajama pants...How I'd be playing Nintendo by myself on a Friday night? That was in my "swearing off dating" phase. During that time, you had your hair grown out into a curly fro and you used to carry your "man purse" around with you all the time. One time you accidentally left it at my house and I got nosey and opened it up. It had tuna cans and oatmeal packets in it...and anatomy textbooks in it. Very typical of you.
I also remember when we went out on our first date and I kissed you on the cheek. Sweet memory. You made a big deal of that. Pretty cute.

--I hope that wherever you are, you can finally get that orange Blazer you dreamed of for so long. We spent many an hour searching ksl for them and listening about your wishes for this dream vehicle. So Michael.

--When I was pregnant, I remember when we tried all those different Mountain Dew flavors and voted on the best one. We agreed on which one was best.

--Caroling in Ogden with the Young Men/Young Women during that big snowstorm. You, me, and Andi walked home down that snowy hill in the dark and bitter cold. It was a long walk...Wont' forget it.

--My made up tune I'd always sing to him and Andi....

--It made me chuckle to think about that documentary we once watched about the African ladies who drank cream so as to gain weight for their soon-to-be husbands. We thought that was pretty rad. They apparently like their ladies plump.

--When I came home from work in Arizona, before you started school, you used to make me after-school snacks that were ready each day when I came home. It was funny and cute. We'd eat them and watch Magnum P.I. together...my fave.

--I'm sure I've written this down before, but I still often remember your phone numbers: 9419592...5408129...you had another one in Arizona I can't remember though.

--My mom always forwards funny emails...She did so a lot when she was working. She'd always send us countless numbers of them. I'd often have to skip over them, but you'd sit in your office and read every one. I always knew when you were looking at them 'cuz you'd be laughing in there, asking me to come in and look at them.

--April Fool's. The sink sprayer and an elastic. I got soaked and so did the whole kitchen. Basic April Fool's joke, I know, but you seemed to get a massive kick out of it.
The papers I have hung up on my fridge are still wrinkley because of that episode.

I love remembering these good times. I feel so grateful to have made these memories.
Sometimes I feel doubt and worry about losing our connection and losing these memories.
In those times, I have felt a strong reminder to trust in the Spirit and just be true to Michael and true to God.
:)

That's my Michael.

Dad

My Dad's birthday is November 1st. You may not believe it by looking at him, but this year he turned 73.
I have shared many a good conversation with my Dad this past year; He has been such a source of strength for me. I've never felt closer to him than I do now, and I'm grateful for that. He's always been a confidant to me, but as of late, he's become much more than that. He's been a voice of reason, a voice of wisdom, and even a voice of faith. He's helped me problem solve, he's encouraged positivity, and he's encouraged me to keep moving forward.
He's gone with me to many of my financial appointments and offered his valuable pieces of wisdom and guidance laced with a bit of humor. He's been by my side to make sure no one takes advantage of a young widow like me as I've had to deal with people like financial advisors, people who've done work on my house, and people who help me with my car. He's been the first one to offer trust and faith in me as I have made some pretty big decisions the past while. He's believed in me and that's made so much difference in my life.
He's helped me problem solve as I've dealt with selling my houses, buying a new car, and making decisions about school. He's shed tears with me as we've continously discovered and observed the lasting goodness of Michael's legacy. There are moments I've shared with him and conversations I've had with him this past year that I'm certain will not be forgotten. He's worked beside me....even harder than me...as we moved us from Ogden to Farmington. No small task. He'd make trips all by himself, time after time, to get yet another load moved. He helped me put sealant on my basement floor. He's cleaned up my yard with me, made several trips to the dump, filled his truck with fertilizer for my yard.
He often calls or stops by just to check up on me...make sure I'm okay. He adores our Andi girl-- He chases her around the house, he gives her shoulder rides, he tickles her and gives her that physical affection she's so missing out on due to Michael's absence. He's spent hours and hours and hours on the trampoline with Andi, watching her jump or wrestling her. He'll push her on the swing for an entire afternoon if she asks. He's done Princess puzzles with her. He's often assigned to play Strawberry Shortcake's best friend, Blueberry, while Andi takes the role of Strawberry. Dad will often tease her by asking her if he can "be Strawberry this time," and unsurprisingly, Andi always turns him down. She calls him "Pa" and it's such an appropriate nickname. He's come to my house on early mornings so I can go to class or whatnot--He'll bring his newspaper and his Coke and wait 'til Andi gets up. Andi knows that when Pa's around for breakfast, he'll be sure to make her pancakes, get her juice, and cut up fruit for her. She loves it! So much so that when I want to make her oatmeal, she'll say she wants to go to Grandpa's for breakfast instead.
It's true he has experience with little girls...I have a lot of wonderful memories with him as a kid. Like, a wonderful one is our bedtime routine when I was little. He'd snore on my bed and pretend to be asleep and I'd say, "You can't sleep here! You don't have your jammies on!" And he'd go through this same little script every night. And then I'd tell him to turn the "van" on. (the fan)
Throughout the last year, Dad has even managed to give Harry some love. It's pretty funny...I'm not sure Dad's always loved my dog, but he sure has been nice to him this last year or so. Dad puts up with his snoring as Harry sleeps on his bed. Dad will often be the one to retrieve Harry when he's outside and won't come in. Michael used to be the only one that Harry would immediately listen to and obey, but now that person is Dad. I think it's kinda' funny when I hear Dad yellin' at Harry to "get in here" or to "Come on, Harry!" I especially get a kick out of the memories Dad and I have made together as we've had to hose Harry down after he's been rolling in deer poop. Time and time and time again. Good times. Dad has always been the kind of dad that exemplifies the phrase, "Once a parent, always a parent." He's done more than that.

When I'm 64

My mom turned 64 this year on October 16th. It's hard to believe my mom is in her sixties! She has been such a support and mainstay for me in my life. Truly one of my very best friends.
As we celebrated her birthday again this year, I kept thinking about how much I love and care for her. I know her birthdays are hard for her since they mark the day of Chris' death. Each year there is that inevitable sense of melancholy that comes along with that day, but I am so proud of her for continuing to put one step in front of the other. I know there's been plenty of times, like after Chris' death, Michael's death, and others, when her fragile soul has been mercilessly shattered. I know it's taken everything in her to keep putting herself back together. Nevertheless, she continues to do so, and I have benefited from that strength.
How grateful I am that we have had such a bond and a connection. We have our moments, to be sure, but at the end of the day, I'm just grateful for her and love her so. She has a mother's heart...So very nurturing and caring.
My mom's reactions to the events of this past year and a half have perfectly illustrated her unsurpassed motherly love and concern. From the moment I learned of Michael's death 'til where I am today, she's been by my side. She's endured the terrible cries and agonies of my soul as I have grieved Michael's death. So many nights were spent crying in pain on her bed while she rubbed my back and listened to me cry and cry and cry. As a matter of fact, she has spent most of those times crying right along with me.
During those first few months after Michael died, it was almost as if she had to become a mother of a young child again. She made sure I was eating, she did whatever she could to ensure I was getting at least some sort of rest, and she tried to get me out of bed and dressed each day. She then had to put her "Mom of a Teenager" hat on again as she dealt with my feistiness and bitter attitudes that I somehow always managed to save just for her.
As I go through each stage, she encompasses Andi with a mother's love. Andi has spent countless bathtimes, mealtimes, and naptimes with Mom by her side. I'd always know when Mom had given her a bath because she'd smell like Mom's sweet smelling lotion. Andi's learned to love meat and potatoes because of Mom. Andi's played "Strawberry Shortcake" or paperdolls many times with Mom. Andi and Mom have spent many an evening watching "Caillou" together. (Every night at 8:30!) As a matter of fact, I'm pretty sure Mom has seen every episode now and has something to say about each one as it comes on. :) She's offered deep compassion and understanding in taking care of Andi while I spent time at my grief support group, at the cemetery, running, writing, going to school, or grading essays at Weber. She's watched her at the last minute so I could go to mutual or so I could run errands. She taught Andi the "Humpty Dumpty" rhyme and the "Bah Bah Black Sheep" rhyme. She's taught Andi to be a really good shopper! Andi's only three and can remain happy as we drag her from one store to another.
She taught Andi all about cuddling, too. I remember one night, Andi and I were laying in bed reading books when all the sudden Andi grabbed my hand to hold it. I just laughed to myself because I knew where she learned that from. There will be days when Andi won't stop asking when she can go to Grandma Luke's house. She loves it there. Mom and Dad take such good care of her while there; they're so present with her and they'd do anything for her. Mom calls me each night, at least once a night. The nights were incredibly lonely that first year, but somehow she managed to help fill up that void. She'd call me all the time, asking me questions or talking to me about "woman" stuff just to keep me company and occupied. Those nightly phone calls are something I will never forget.
Thank you, Mom, for being my best friend. For loving my daughter, for loving my Michael, and for embracing my future life. I'll never forget how Michael used to call you "Mama Luke" and how fondly he'd speak of you. He loved you and so appreciated your motherly kindness toward him. It made a difference and still does. As you would say, "xoxo!!"

Keep Calm and Carry On

Michael darling.... So many things I want to write to you about, but time won't allow it for now. There have been a lot of changes that are wonderful and good, but these changes incite a lot of emotion and questions. I have found comfort in the phrase, "Keep calm and carry on." I hope and pray for your calmness and your peace, wherever you may be. I'll write more later. I love you so. Your girls always and forever~

Grandma

My mom reminded me that it was my grandma Bette's birthday on Monday, the 29th. She would have been 85.
I think of her often. She's such a part of me and was a big part of my childhood. She taught me a lot of things--She was nurturing and loving. She loved to be with her family. She loved to shop and be a woman! She had a great wardrobe, perfect hair and nails, and her house was emaculate and homey at the same time. She also loved pink....I think that's where I got that from.
I still miss going to her house in West Point. I loved it there. She always had grapes on her counter and pudding in the fridge. Sleeping over at her house was always such a novelty. One time while sleeping over, I got thirsty so I went to the fridge for a drink. I took a big gulp of a drink that was sitting in there and it ended up being Grandpa's Neer Beer. Grandma laughed and laughed.
We used to play Old Maid together and she'd watch "I Love Lucy" with me. She laughed as hard as I did. I loved that.
I miss you Grandma. Take care of Michael and Chris for us!

"To live in hearts we leave behind, is not to die."
Love that quote.

Just yesterday I looked over at Andi and she had picked up a picture frame and was kissing a picture of Michael. It really is true that he lives inside of us. :)

Dad's duplex

I couldn't resist putting these pictures on here. Dad's had these duplexes for years, and last week one of them caught fire. These duplexes have been a big part of our family's life. Thank goodness for insurance!!

Letter from Jeff Heiner

Andi,

Your daddy is a great man! Every time I think of him I am reminded of his great smile and attitude. I had the opportunity to work and serve with him in the Church for a few years. He did a great job in everywhere he served and everything he did. He always appeared selfless to me...always putting others needs ahead of his own. I believe he continues to do the same in the Spirit World.

As I have reflected on this past year...I have repeatedly thought about your Dad. June 30th will always be - "Michael Allen Day" to me! His great untimely loss and death has affected me to make changes in my own life to help prepare me and my family in the event of a catastrophe. I believe he was prepared to leave mortality to help others in Heaven who greatly need his guidance, example, and teachings. I know you love him and miss him very much, but I know that his spirit will always be close to you and he always be your Dad...know that he LOVES YOU!

I think of your Dad as an honest hard working man! I remember him coming to our home a day or two before Christmas to fix our furnace. I remember that it was snowing and it was his day off. But, he came to our house fixed our furnace, hooked up a new thermostat and didn't charge us!!! I always thought...I need to do something special for that Mike Allen, because he helped me and my family in a time of need. I neglected to do anything...I regret that! But, I remember talking with him and he taught me how to do things myself to help save money for the future. So, naturally...every time I clean my furnace now, I think of your DAD and use his good instructions!

I've often thought that it was ironic that your Dad worked in Heating and Air Conditioning. His profession was helping people feel and enjoy comfort..."staying warm" in the cold Winter months and "staying cool" in the heat of the hot Summer months. Whether he realized this or not...he's got the skills and talents of a true comforter, he's like the Holy Ghost! I 'm sure that your Mom has felt this same comfort and safety too.

Lastly, you're are fortunate to have a very good Mom! She is so strong! Listen always to her wise counsel and follow her example. She will teach you everything you need to do to be reunited with your Daddy again. Know that you have an Eternal family and you enjoy the blessings of the Priesthood's sealing power. Always strive to do your best and choose the right!

Please know that your Daddy will always be missed by many people...family and friends still long for his companionship, he is not forgotten! I am a better man because I know Michael Allen, and I look forward to the day when I can see you hug and kiss him again.

Love,
Bro. Jeff Heiner

Letter from Carrie Flamm

Andi:
We want to wish you a very happy third birthday. Your mom kindly asked that I write a few things about our interactions with your dad, Michael. As I thought about this, I thought of the first time I met your dad. It was long before your mom and dad began dating. But rather than telling you about that, I want to share two experiences of when your dad helped us when we were in need. When you read this you may think it wasn’t that big of a deal, but to us it made a huge difference. Both events took place when your dad was working in the heating and air business.
The first time was while we were on our honeymoon. We were renting an apartment on the north end of Bountiful. One of the conditions of renting the apartment was that the landlord would fix the swamp cooler, because it was not working. It was August so when you walked into the apartment you felt like as if you were melting—it was so HOT! The day we got married it still wasn’t fixed. So a few days into our honeymoon we called the gentleman who was managing the property to see if it was fixed, still no luck. We called Michael to see if there was anything he could do to help. He said he would give us a great deal on an air conditional unit. The thing of it is, is that we didn’t even own the place, but he was willing to help us out. So we finally called the owner of the apartment and gave her an ultimatum that if it wasn’t fixed before we got back we would be moving out and would seek a full refund of rent and deposit. We gave her Michael’s phone number and knew we didn’t have anything to worry about. We received word three days later that everything was fixed. Not only did we have working air conditioning, but Michael convinced her to upgrade from a swamp cooler to forced air.
The second experience took place about a year later. By then we were living in our house in Bountiful. It was a really busy day for me at work; I was in meetings all day. Brad had called twice, but I couldn’t take his calls. Apparently Brad came home to find that our water heater was leaking, basically the bottom had rusted out. We needed to get it fixed and get it fixed fast. Brad immediately called your dad and Michael put things into motion to get it fixed. He ordered a new water heater, went and picked it up and brought it to the house and installed it. Everything was fixed and taken care of by the time I was finally able to call Brad back that afternoon. It was a huge relief to have everything fixed and I didn’t even hve to worry about a thing.
These two events represent Michael’s natural response to those in need. He was always willing to help. We are glad to have known him and be recipients of this great character trait he possessed. He was a service oriented man.
We love you and your mom very much and are so glad to be counted as her friends. I hope that you will continue to read these experiences your mom has collected; they are a testament that you were blessed with two wonderful parents.
Love,
Carrie and Brad Beckman

Letter from Grandpa Carter

To Andalyn……I knew your Daddy for a short time. I got to know him quite well. He was easy to talk to and was very friendly.He always greeted me with a smile and you knew in a short time that you were his friend.He was a hard worker and seemed to like it. When He came into a room, always cheerful and seemed to brighten the surroundings. We have missed seeing him whenever we were there. From your Great Grandfather and Nadene Carter

Letter from Tericia Leavitt

Dear Andi;
I wanted to tell you about your daddy when he was alittle boy. Your daddy is very special to me and I love him very much. I am sad that he can't be with us in the way we want him to be. I miss his funny smile and happy face. He could always make me laugh. I even remember a time your funny daddy came to an dinner dressed as a clown. He looked so cute as a clown. I laughed and laughed.
I met your Grandma Cathi when she had your daddy in her tummy. Grandma Cathi and I became very best friends and when your daddy was born, I was the first person, other than Grandpa Ron, to hold him. He was such a beautiful baby and little boy. He looked like an angel. He had beautiful blue eyes and blond curls all over his head. He was always such a good boy and kind to others. I remember when your mommy and daddy got married,how beautiful your mom looked and how handsome your daddy was. He was so excited to marry your mom in the Temple. The first time I met you was when you were just a tiny baby. Your daddy was so excited when you were born and so proud to be your daddy. I know that it was one of the happiest days of his life. You and your mom are the loves of his life and his princess's.
I love the pictures I see of you and your mommy and daddy. You can see the love you all feel for each other. It is a special thing to have an angel for a daddy. He can be with you in ways daddies' here on earth can't be. I know that as you grow older your daddy will be with you. Look for the signs that tell you he is near. You will know those signs when you see them because, all of a sudden, you will feel him near.
Take care of your mommy. She loves you so. You are very lucky to have so many people who love you and take care of you.
Love,
Tericia

Letter from Lyndzi Elsmore

The thing I loved best about Michael is that he was always happy. He was care free and enjoyed life and people. He was so creative in finding fun things to do. He also had a strong work ethic and was very self motivated. I always admired these two things about him. They are hard to find in people these days and he seemed to balance them both very well.

Letter from cousin Brenda

Lisa, I would love to help you out with this. I think it is awesome that you are doing this for Andi...


The memory I have of Michael that stands out to me is when Andi was born. Me, my Mom, and Tate came to see you and Andi in the hospital, and Michael and your Mom were there. Michael was one of the proudest dad's I have ever seen. He was beaming from ear to ear, and so proud of his beautiful baby girl. As far as Michael was concerned she was the only baby in the world. I thought it was so sweet, and I knew that he was going to be a great dad, and that him and Andi would share a special bond. That bond will never be broken, Michael will always be with Andi watching over her.

Letter from Aunt DeeDee

Andi:

So, you are turning 3 years old. You are a big girl now! You have been through alot at your tiny age, but believe me, you will be stronger for it, in many ways. First, please know that we love you and your Mom very much, even though we may not see you often enough. Your Dad was a great man. I knew him when he was your age! And we actually have pictures of him when he was just a little bit older than you are now. I am sending them to your mom. They are from our wedding and he is so very cute. Hailey didn't even know who it was and had to ask me who it was! It brings back memories for me and I remember how cute he was on that day! So, I hope you enjoy the pictures with your Mom.

I would like to give you some insight as to how I looked at your Dad. He was a little like your Uncle Mike Schmitz and your Uncle Peter Schmitz. A "combo" of them both. His demure and smile reminded me so much of your Uncle Pete and then his temper and style reminded me of your Uncle Mike. Both are great men, as was your Dad. I still miss him, as I am sure you do. And I pray that all of the letters and notes you receive will give you more of an insight of how great a person he was.

HAPPY, HAPPY, BIRTHDAY ANDI!!!!

P.S. Tell your Mom we will get those swim pictures to her some time. I don't know how to get them from one computer to the next and so I need Hailey's help and she is constantly forgetting about it.

Love you both,


Pat, DeeDee and Hailey Fischer

Letter from Aunt Ruthie

Dear Andi,
I would like to wish you a very Happy 3rd Birthday!!!!
I am your Great Aunt Ruthie! and I want to tell you a few stories about your cute dad, who is my favorite nephew! I always called him Mikey, from the very beginning of his life, and tho' it irritated your Grandma Cathi, and Grandpa Ron, it always made Michael and I smile, and giggle. I made trips from Texas to see your daddy when he was small, and we had so much fun playing in the mountains, on picnics, going shopping, singing, telling each other stories, we would make up... I was always wanting to be closer to see your dadddy and family, so when your dad was about 8-9 years old, your great uncle Kent and I moved our family( Kendra and Tara) to Colorado Springs, Colorado! We were so happy to be closer, we would drive over to see everyone, play, eat, laugh, cry, till it was time to leave... and then we thought... man, we can take Mikey with us!!! which we did once for 2 weeks! Oh, Andi, me and my girls loved having your daddy with us!! We had adventures hiking, discovering new plants, we would make up games on the trampoline and jump till we dropped, we would make up plays in the basement, with costumes and props, songs, galore! I would always make some treat that would go with the new wonderland they created, so much fun!! I had your 2nd cousin Dallin, and your dad was afraid I would love him more than I loved your dad, I told him, You will always be My Mikey! He knew everything would be okay. Your daddy is so smart, he worked so hard in school to learn all he could about this world and especially medicine... he would tell me the most amazing things about the way the body functions worked, I was very impressed that he knew so much! When we took him home from that visit, Kendra and Tara and Dallin went with us, they were all tired and fell asleep, so Mikey was sitting up front with me, and we drove thru Vail Colorado,( which is like driving up to Park City in Utah where you live), I'll never forget it... it had been raining and the sun came out and we saw 7 count 'em, 7, rainbows!!! We tried to wake everyone up, but they were too sleepy... We talked about how beautiful this world is, and how Heavenly Father and Jesus must really love us to give us such beauty to enjoy! I'm not sure but I think your Auntie Bethany might have been with us too, I just want you to know that your daddy, is one of the most dear, tender, kind, intelligent, loving, fun, memories of my life, and this is when he was just a few years older than you.
When your Grandpa Ron married your Grandma Joann got to stay with your daddy at their house for a few days, and I wanted to visit some of the friends that I missed who had moved from Texas. We went to find their house, and got lost and started laughing so hard cause we both had to go potty, and we couldn't find a place that was open on a Sunday nite, I guess i was driving a little wobbly and a policeman pulled us over, and we were trying to straighten up and stop laughing, but we couldn't!! We were so silly, we kept trying to tell the officer that we just had the giggles, and he had me get out of the car to see if I could walk a stright line, which is what they do to people they think have been drinking alcohol!! Well, that made us laugh all the harder, and I can't walk a strait line because of the way my legs are, your dad was in hysterics!!! I finally pulled out my temple recommend and showed it to the officer,, he wasn't impressed... I told him to direct us to a bathroom so we could get control of ourselves, which he did! I laugh everytime I think about it.
We had to move back to Texas because of Great Uncle Kent's job, and once a few years later, Mikey came to see us and spend a week, we swam, ate, watched movies, danced, laughed and went swimming! I had to drive over to Houston Texas, to pick Mikey up and it had taken us longer than we expected, so when we got there your dad was laying on the luggage round, and was asleep! Well I yelled, "Where's My Mikey?" and he jumped up and tripped over his bag, and we both started laughing and we got back to our house in Pflugerville (3hrs away) talking and singing and laughig all the way! We all love Michael, because he loved us and loved being with us... he has always been a ray of sunshine, full of light and joy.
Your Granpa Ron told me when your daddy was going to the temple for the 1st time, before his mission, so I went! It was such a delight, to see his face when he got into the car that morning (we had to leave for the temple and it was still dark) and he turned around and saw me sitting there... and was sooo excited, to have me there... What a great missionary your daddy is!! Always willing to help others learn about Jesus, and the gospel, he wrote me from his mission about who he was teaching at the time and how he prayed that they would listen to the still small voice and be baptised... Our whole family was at the airport joining, your Grandma Cathi, Bethany, Isaac, Daniel,Grandpa Ron, and Grandma Joann welcoming him home from his mission in California!
Your Daddy went to work and school and always called and talked to me about the crazy things that happen sometimes in life, or with a good story , or a song that reminded him of something we shared, especially if we had a good joke to share, we would just laugh and tell each other to make someone happy... I treasure those memories, he was always concerned about lifting and strengthening those who were downhearted. What a precious man he was becoming!! I guess Andi, I could write a book about all the memories I have of your cute dad... but since you are only three years old, I'll only share a couple more...
I came into Salt Lake City to visit and wanted to see your dad, and he always was busy, so he told me we could meet up for a short visit, I was surprised to find out that he had a date, with your mom, and she was waiting for him to come and pick her up in Farmington! Good Grief! Well he told me how wonderful Lisa was, and he wished I could meet her, I said "well, where does she live?" and he took me to her house, and we went for ice cream! and talked... I knew they would get married, the way he looked at her and talked about her... it was true love! I loved your mommy from the moment I met her!
We came for the wedding, it was so amazing, they both looked so happy, and were so in love! I have to skip forward to a few years ahead, because, the next happiest day in your daddy's life, was the day you were born!!! He was so in love with you and your beautiful little mommy! We were so happy to finally get to meet you, what a little angel sent from heaven! No little girl could ever be loved more!
We had such delightful moments talking about you and what you were doing, and how you were growing, he loved everything about you and was so proud of how your mommy knew just what to do and say to take care of you... I loved watching him play with you
and sing silly songs to you, and dance with you...
Our family reunion up in Park City was especially fun, because I know everyone is so busy and its hard to break away from things that need to be done, so I brought a gift that could be won by the most helpful, cheerful, person at the reunion, your daddy was hilarious! He was running around trying to be the best house elf serving everyone!! Oh how we all laughed at his craziness, and fun! We also played 'Pass the Pig' (a game he had given Tara when she was in the hospital) for hours, and then he would take you and try to pose you in some of the poses of how the pigs would land, hahaha, soooo fun!!!! Well, he and your mom and you had to go back to Ogden to your house, and I selected him as the winner of the prize I had bought, which was a blender to mix smoothies in, called THE MAGIC BULLET!!! He was so excited, he won! hahaha I love him, love him, love him, and when we get to be together again, and can laugh and share our stories again, there will be no more goodbyes... Remember, my darling, beautiful,sweet,little grand niece, you are his and your mommies girl f-o-r-e-v-e-r. He is doing what the Lord needs him to do right now, sweetheart, teach the gospel to those who are ready to hear it! We all love you
Always and forever,
Your Great Aunt Ruthie

Letter from Lor

Dear Andalyn,

Happy 3rd birthday! It is such an honor for me to be able to write down some of the great memories I have of your dad, Michael. I feel so lucky to have been included in his life, and I hope you know how much he loved you. You brought the greatest smile to his face. Watching him play with you was evident of his love for you. He was so proud of how cute, sweet, and funny you are. I know he continues to be so proud of you and your mom and all that you are doing and learning in your lives. You are so special and you have the greatest mother and father ever!
One of the greatest memories I have of your dad is that he had the ability to ALWAYS be happy. No matter what life brought to him, he dealt with it with a smile on his face. His happiness is what made Michael so likeable by so many people. He always had a smile on his face, and his laugh was contagious. He actually had the greatest smile ever—a smile that he passed on to you. And when I hear you laugh as you watch your movies, you remind me so much of your dad as he watched funny T.V. shows/movies. It was almost more fun to listen and watch him that it was to watch the movie!
Your cousins, Lydia, Spencer, Connor, and Chase LOVED playing with your dad. I think he really loved playing with them as well. They would always end up wrestling, and the boys couldn’t get enough of him. When Lydia was a bit younger, he was always willing to “pretend” something with her or just be silly with her—he was such a fun uncle to be around. He would also play with the kids as they got older—he had fun sledding with them at the cabin, playing Risk and letting Lydia take over the world, and having fun with them in the water while visiting the cabin. I have many cute pictures of your mom, your dad, and Lydia and Spencer when they were very young playing dress-up, playing at Farmington Pond, playing out in the backyard at Grandma’s house. We love these memories of Uncle Michael.
Your dad was always willing to help us. I often think of how he helped Gabe put rock on our house, late at night in the middle of the winter. He was a good sport about it and always brought a good sense of humor for Gabe. For weeks after, they’d joke about trying to find “just the right shape of rock” for certain spots—it was like putting a puzzle together with a thousand pieces to find. He made the job a lot more fun!
Some of my last memories of your dad were at the cabin in Bear Lake taking the Wave Runners out to North Beach for the first time. He was so excited as he drove with our family and you in your car seat in our Suburban on the way to launch them. As we backed in to the lake, your dad got on one Wave Runner and Gabe got on the other. We all watched out the back window as Gabe and your dad laughed and joked around as they backed off the trailer and got them started. Your were quite upset to let your daddy leave you in the car with us, so he kept calling to you and waving and making sure you could see him having fun. He took off on the Wave Runner with a big smile on his face and went as fast as he could go across the blue waters on his way to the beach. He couldn’t wait to give you a ride. I’ll also never forget watching him play with you on the beach that day, swinging you between him and your mom, and just loving watching how fun you were having in the messy sand.
Later that same day, your dad worked hard on the furnace downstairs at the cabin. He was getting it ready to install an air conditioner unit to keep us all cool when we visited. He was a VERY hard worker—hardly stopping for breaks. He did however listen in while the boys and I watched E.T. on the T.V. downstairs. He would poke his head around the closet door and laugh and smile at certain parts. I will ALWAYS think of your dad when I think about that movie! Your dad loved his music as well. I have several CD’s that he burned for me. I will always think of him when I listen to Michael Jackson!
One funny story that I think about often occurred on a Sunday as we were all visiting Grandma and Grandpa’s house in early June, 2010. Most of us were out in the backyard playing on the grass and jumping on the tramp. I was visiting with the neighbors, holding baby Noah, when Chase started telling me something. I was trying to ignore him, not wanting to be interrupted as I talked with someone else. He just kept talking, starting to talk more frantically. Finally I listened to what he was saying: “There’s a snake on the grass over there!” I looked over and saw a very large snake on the grass under the cherry tree, and screamed “there’s a snake!” Everybody ran over to see the big snake. The neighbor picked it up with a stick and put it out in the trees. During all of this, Gabe, Scott, Grandpa, and Michael were all out working on the Wave Runners in the driveway, so Chase and I immediately walked out to tell them all about the snake. Michael just LOVED this story as told by Chase. He kept asking Chase questions and laughing, “how big was it again Chase?” Chase would hold out his hands, each time getting a little bigger as he showed Michael how big the snake was. Chase loved all the attention he got from Michael that night, and I loved hearing Michael laugh at Chase about the snake!
As I have thought about your dad this past year, I have been so inspired to live my life “better.” Your dad had fun doing everything, whether it was at work or at play. He had so much personality! He was never shy about expressing his likes/dislikes, his talents, his interests, his abilities, his opinions, etc. There were so many things that he just LOVED, and he always made sure to be involved in the things he was passionate about. He seemed to really enjoy life, and all of the things that made life better. Because of him, I want to live happier and enjoy more of the things that I love. I am sure that he is sharing his enthusiasm with so many people who have also passed from this earth, and I know they are so glad to be with him.
Your dad was also such an amazing husband. He truly loved your mom, Lisa, and I was always so impressed the way he treated her. He was so romantic—expressing his love to her in so many different letters, poems, songs, etc. I probably know only a small bit of all the romantic things he did for her. He was very sensitive and had such a big heart. Words cannot even describe how much your mom has missed him in her life this past year.
As you know, your dad was a great guy. We miss him so much. He will always hold a place in our hearts and we know that someday we will all see him again. Families are definitely “forever,” and we know that your daddy can’t wait to be with you again.

Love,
your Aunt Lori

Letter from Marie Hart

Dear Andi,
I am writing you a letter in hopes to give you another glimpse of what your daddy is like.
I started hearing about him when I was in high school at Davis High around 1998 from my good friend, Katie Woolley (Gardner). She'd been friends with him since that time or maybe even a little before. All I ever heard about was how great he was and on and on. I graduated high school, went to Snow College with Katie and continued to hear about him. It wasn't until a New Year's Eve party in Ogden, UT somewhere on Harrison, that I first met him about 2001.
The first thing I remember about him was his huge smile, friendliness, and general approachability. He struck me as an excellent host and very social. I continued to hear about him when occasion would permit to see Katie. I went onto Nursing School and once I finished my RN I moved up to Ogden to live with your Mother and consequently on the same street your Dad lived on. Living this close put us in the same single's ward and I immediatley saw him one of the first Sundays after my move. I think we hung out a few times or just chatted a lot at church until I broke up with my now husband (long story) and Michael and I dated for all of a month or so. Things weren't going well and the long story short is that we decided to stop 'dating', although it was more of hanging out, which was most of the issue. Some background infomation on myself and my dating style is that I have never stayed in contact with guys I have dated; once I'm done I like to move on, otherwise we'd still be dating. Not with Michael. The next morning after our little argument he left a note on my car to the effect that he was very sorry and that he really valued our friendship, that he hoped our friendship could perservere. Well, this says volumes about the value your Dad holds to friendship, as well as his humility, sensitivity, and loyalty. I knew from that point on Michael was a friend I would have for the rest of my life.
It was through all this 'drama' I spoke with your Momma several times and we vehemently agreed moving on was the best thing for me. It was within a few months later your Mom and Dad got better acquainted and I frankly have always thought they were a better match. If anyone could get your Dad to get serious and pull out his best qualities, it was the personality of your Mom. They got married about a year later and I have always felt grateful to have amazing friends of mine marry each other.
During that time your Dad had to renew his Driver's License. He was taking the M-CAT to get into Medical School, and I don't know if he cut it himself, but he shaved all his hair on the top of his head, gelled up the sides to be very curly, and put blue hair coloring on the remaining hair for both the test and his DL picture. He came to church the next day with the same 'do' and said, trying to hide a smile, "I feel so shunned! No one seems to want to sit by me!" We all got a good laugh and I was proud to sit by him. We also took a snowboarding class together that semester and we had fun driving up to Powder Mountain together for several saturdays.
Fast forwarding to the Sealing of your parents. I had just gone through the temple for the first time three days before to go on a mission to New Jersey a month later, so their Sealing was the first I had ever witnessed. I had the expectation of feeling the Spirit, but got blown away by the sweetness, the witness of the power of the Sealing, the obvious feelings of love between your parents, and just the amazement that this is how families stay together forever! It was a wonderful day.

While I was on my mission shortly after I received letters from your Mom with little tidbits from your Dad as well. She said your Dad wanted to send me ice cream, but knew it would melt and so he had her send me a coupon for Dreyer's ice cream :) On their wedding registry at Target, Michael had fun putting ice cream, Depends, and all sorts of funny stuff on it. That was just Michael. They continued to write me and were great supporters to me.
I came home, got married pretty soon after and your parents were both there for my sealing and luncheon. True blue friends. Your Mom also threw me a baby shower for my twins less than two years later, oh, and she threw me a shower for getting married too!
Regretably, but how adulthood gets, Shawn and I only hung out with both of your parents a few times of the next few years. We came up for a New Year's Eve party and played games and they both stopped by shortly after our twins, Emma and Eli, were born, shocked at how small they were. We had your dad come check out our furnace last summer and I think that is the last time I saw him.
I was completely shocked and have been forever changed with the death of your father. No one was more full of life, hard-working, and loyal as your dad. He had the best smile, explosive laugh (and a laugh that bubbled as though a bigger one would come out anytime), and gave the best bear hugs, leaving no question that he truly cared. Despite the hard times, I have always known your Dad truly and unconditionally loves your Mother. As a friend you can get protective and I have never worried about your Mom being in your Dad's hands. His death has caused me serious reflection on what it means to be a truly and fiercely loyal wife, mother, sister, daughter, and friend. He has left me an example of that, as well as living life to the fullest, working hard, and being obedient to our Savior, Jesus Christ. I know it is because of Jesus Christ your family will be reunited, that your Dad will be resurrected and be made whole again, and that His love and yours are what have strengthened your Mom through the darkest hours and months of her life. Things haven't turned out for me to physically be friends with Michael for the rest of my life, but I know true friendships, along with family ones, will be regained and I look forward to receiving another bear hug from him and loyally reporting that I kept an eye on you and your Mom as best as I could. He is truly missed by so many.
Andi, you are so beautiful and I hope as the years go by you will get to know my twins and I better. We surely love your parents and look forward to getting to know you better as well. We love you and pray all these letters people are submitting will help you better know and be proud of where you come from and how to pattern your life. Happy 3rd birthday!!
Love,
Marie Hart Clayton

Havasu

The first picture was taken on the morning of June 30, 2010. So glad to see Michael's smiling face in that one. The other pictures were taken this summer of 2011. Thanks to Daniel for giving me these pictures. I was so glad to see they got my roses in safely and had a chance to stop and think about my Michael during their adventures there.

I have to admit that I have very mixed feelings about the place. It's obviously so beautiful there and I understand why Michael loved it so much. But there's definitely a reason why I can only look at these pictures so often and why I know I won't be spending much time there in my life.

I am, however, so glad that our ward friends and Daniel were able to go there this summer and enjoy it for what it is. Michael would want that. He would want to see the boys enjoying that trip the way it should have originally been enjoyed. So grateful to all of our Foothills ward friends. Love you guys forever!

St. George

A few things from this trip I won't forget:
*Watching Andi as she sat on the edge of her seat at "The Little Mermaid" show at Tuacahn. Watching her try to resist getting up and dancing with the rest of the princesses. :)
*Sharing Michael stories.
*Swimming swimming swimming in the pool! Andi dancing in the water, shooting the water guns with Grandpa Ron, and collecting rocks on the poolside.
*Andi playing with Joann--With her princess book, with the Old Maid cards, and watching Andi continually run into Ron and Joann's room only to jump on the bed or to "scare" Grandpa Ron.

Thanks to Ron and Joann for a memorable time. Love the Allen/Schmitz family so much! So glad to have them in our lives.

Andi's 3rd birthday

I'd say we had successful birthday celebrations. Andi had such a good little friend birthday party, and a wonderful time celebrating with our family on another night.
My heart is so full of love and gratitude for all the wonderful people we have in our lives. I just can't say enough how much I love each and every friend and family member that offers us so much support. As I'm striving to figure out what our new place is in this life, it's so nice to have them around. It is so needed and so appreciated.

It was such a fun night when all her friends were there....A priceless moment occurred when the "real" Sleeping Beauty arrived and Andi ran down the street to greet her. I don't think I'll ever forget the vision of her doing that. It was so sweet.

I know what I'm about to say is nothing new or even profound, but I just miss Michael so. My heart aches that he can't physically be here with me to partake of these precious times. My soul just literally hurts as these moments pass by without him.
I know, Michael, that you are near in your own way, and I'm so grateful for that. But as I wind down this evening, the same looming question aches inside of me to be answered....Are you okay? Are you happy? Where are you?
I know I have many means to aide me in answering those questions...I refer to them often and am grateful for the tools of faith that I have. But sometimes I long to just hear Michael's voice telling me, straight from his mouth, the answers to those questions that haunt me so.
Tonight as I lay my head down and count my blessings, I will once again thank heaven for my Michael and pray that he is seeing our darling Andi grow and that he is at peace. While I may not have all the answers I'm looking for, I do know that my Father is mindful of each of us...that He cares for us all and that he has certainly shown that care towards me this last year. Seeing His hand in my life reminds me that He loves each of His children dearly...That he loves Michael and is taking care of him just as I know he's taking care of me.