Death

I have had a long, hard time this summer. I have put off my feelings and emotions because it just hurts so much. March 27 my best friend, Britney died from a long hard battle with leukemia. She was the most amazing person I knew. She saved my life in more ways than she even knows. You know those people who shape and mold you. The ones that help you learn and grow up with together.
I think after she died, I went into a defensive mode. I am strong, I don't need to grieve. But, you can't hide forever. I think I went into a mini crisis. What am I doing with my life? Life is short. And sometimes being a stay at home mom makes you feel worthless or like you are not important. I decided that I needed to get away from being a mom for a while and do something that made me feel important. I decided to get a job. And I love it. I got a job as a personal trainer at a fitness retreat center. It has been amazing. I truly love helping others. But I was feeling that little empty hole, and running away from my life wasn't filling it. Then tragedy struck again. Another friend, another good friend, Trisha, died. She was one of my best childhood friends growing up. She was the one I would have trampoline sleepovers with. The one we debated about if Santa was real or not. The one we talked about mysteries of the universe such as boys, the future, and other preteen problems. One of the hardest parts about this, was Trisha's viewing was on Britney's birthday. I couldn't handle this. Losing so many people that have been so important in your life is hard. And it hit me. I can't run anymore, my kids needed me and I needed them. I need to quit and be home for now. I'm not saying the job was bad or the job was not what I am meant to do, but it's just not what I am meant to do...now.
For my job, clients fly in from all over the country and we train them. They live at the Hyatt and we have chefs that cook for them, masseuses, and personal trainers. We train at different gyms and go on hikes. It is a pretty intensive program and is life changing and emotional for them. We get really close to them to help train them and it goes so much deeper than the outward changes. I had many great conversations and friendships that helped me as much as the clients. On one such hike, I was with a client and we were talking about death. She has lost some people close to her as well. Her husband sings and I asked if I could hear some of his songs. She actually had some of his music on her iPod and played me one of his songs. It was exactly how I feel about losing Britney. I started crying and I knew I couldn't go on without properly grieving. She was so cute, when she left she made me a CD called "It's ok to Grieve".
I am really sad that I am quitting actually. But I feel deep down inside that being at home is what I am meant to do right now and what I need to do. Maybe in a year or two, things might be different, but for now, I need to be a mom. I was right, life is short. And my babies are only going to be babies for a very short time. I have the rest of my life to work.
Death is a very interesting thing. I have never lost anyone close to me. I mean, grandparents have passed on but I'm talking about the friend who knows your very deepest, darkest secrets. The friend who you call to council you on life. The friend who you could talk to about anything, things you can't even talk to your family about. The friend who you truly rejoiced when she conceived a baby after going through her first cancer treatment. The friend you cried with multiple times when she confided in you how hard it is to be in the hospital. The friend who saw you at your best and worst and you saw at her best and worst.
I remember last fall, about a year ago. I thought she was going. We had gone to the hospital to see her and there were some issues and complications. We were not allowed to go in the room because nurses and doctors were surrounding her. At this point, she was having eyesight problems and couldn't see very well. A tumor was making her blind and making her see double. One of the nurses came running out and as the door swung open I saw her in her bed, surrounded by doctors and I will never forget the look I saw in her eyes. I know she couldn't see me, but I saw the pain and fear.
I remember when we did her 5k fundraiser, we went to the hospital to give her the check and tell her how much we raised for her. We were so excited. She was so happy she cried.
I remember the first time she told me she had cancer, I remember when she was put in remission the first time, I remember when she told us she was pregnant, I remember when she had her miracle baby, I remember when she started getting pains again in her hip and was scared to go back to the doctor, I remember when she called to say her cancer had returned. I remember when treatments weren't working, when nothing was going right, I remember when she got her blood transplant, I remember when she told us the transplant was working. I remember visiting her in the hospital over and over again. Each time was different. Sometimes you could see the frustration, other times, you were uplifted by her faith. I remember exactly where I was and what I was doing in each of these circumstances. I remember the day before she died, when she was put on life support, I remember getting the call that she had passed on. I remember calling my husband I couldn't even talk because I was crying and he knew. I remember holding her sweet baby at her funeral and just hugging him over and over and I knew she was hugging me too.
I don't know how to properly grieve. I know it is hard. This summer has been hard. This past year has been hard. Watching someone you love, go through something so hard, is hard.
I love you Britney, you are my best friend. I miss you every single day. I wish I had your strength, your courage, just you. I wish I could call you and talk to you and ask your advice on everything. So many things remind me of you and it always hurts. I am sad that you had such a long, hard battle with leukemia but I am happy you are out of pain.
I love you Trisha, you were one of my best friends growing up. I remember you loved to listen to your brothers Queen CD and you thought it was so cool and would dance to it. To this day, every time I hear a Queen song, I think of you. I laugh when I think of our silly problems we stayed up all night talking about. I remember playing with your hamsters and you got so mad when we would squeeze them so hard poo would come out. I remember talking about Santa and we were trying so hard to convince ourselves he was real. You told me you saw Rudolph's nose. I loved being around you, you had such a great laugh, were always happy and always me me feel good. As we aged, and grew apart, you still called me on a regular basis. You called me when Britney died to offer your condolences. You still were so thoughtful and always kept our friendship going.  It makes me so sad that the past few years of your life have been so rough. I am happy that you are free from any earthly problems and addictions.
Summer is almost over, it's time for a new season to start. I hope that I can always remember my friends in the beautiful, wonderful light that they were. But I am ready to start a new season. Where the hole that hurts is just a little bit less painful.

 At the funeral, we said one last goodbye to our friend.

Our last girls night in the hospital about a week before Britney died.

Trisha and I in middle school.

Then there were 5

I have re committed to updating my blog. I don't know if anyone even reads it anymore but for my sake and my families sake I will try to update at least once a month. So much has changed. We decided to have one more baby and found out it will be a girl! I am very excited of course! I want to be done after this one and was hoping to get at least one girl! But I would have been happy with another boy.
Lee lost his job so he has found a temporary one for a while. During all this change, he had many job interviews and "ins" with companies that never quite worked out. He decided that he wanted to go back to school so now he will be starting full time for hopefully only 2 years and getting his 2nd bachelors in software engineering. Owen and Calvin are just as cute and crazy and busy as ever. I love them more than words could ever say. Owen is registered for kindergarten in the fall, Calvin is registered for preschool on the fall and our sweet baby girl is due sometime in July. My original due date was the 2 but she kept measuring a week behind so they moved it back. All this fun change for our family!
I am so thankful for my little family. There is nobody I would rather come home to then my sweet boys and husband! Lee has helped me out so much during this pregnancy and I couldn't be more grateful!
I am still teaching my aerobics classes for now. I am around 25 weeks pregnant and still feel good. I have 6 classes a week and the plan is to continue till the end. I will have to upload a pregnancy picture soon.

playing catchup

These past six months have been absolutely crazy! In January, after my run, my ankle started to bother me. I went to a physical therapist and started some light treatment to hopefully heal it. Nope, it got worse. I went to a podiatrist and started with a wrap cast to help it, but no, I ended up in a walking boot for a few months. Meanwhile, I had stopped running and going light in my classes. I even took off 3 weeks. I finally decided to call a sports medicine orthopedic surgeon. He talked to me about doing a procedure called ACP. Basically they take out your blood, spin it, and reinject your plasma into the injury and it helps to heal it. I was in so much pain and at my wits end and decided to go ahead with the surgery. I had to be put out and on crutches for 2 days then I just had to take off a week. Recovery really wasn't bad. It has been about 5 weeks and I feel so much better. I wouldn't say my ankle is at 100% but I would say it is at 90-95%. Amazing! It must be the year of medical expenses for me between my ankle and my forehead!
In February it was Owens 4th birthday. I threw him a really cute Lego party. He loved it. Here are some pictures of that

 

April was when I had my ankle surgery. In May was Lee and Calvin's birthdays. We threw Lee a big bash for his 30th birthday. We had one at our house and another bbq up at his parents house. Both were a lot of fun! Unfortunately, the week of Calvin's 2nd birthday I was horrifically sick. Seriously, I was down the entire week. It must have been some sort of food poisoning. I was planning on doing a party for him but I just couldn't. Lee bought Calvin a little cake at the store and they sang happy birthday to him. Later that weekend when I was better we went over to my parents for dinner and had a little family party for him there.

Cancer

 Such a great title, let's just skip all the formalities and get straight to the point. A few months ago I noticed a little scar on my forehead. Tiny. But it wasn't there before. I hadn't been injured or anything so I knew there was no reason I should have a scar. It was just slightly discolored and when I tried to show people, nobody else saw it. Rewind to a few years ago, I had a tiny scab on my chest by my collarbone that wouldn't heal. I had it checked out by some random dermatologist who confirmed skin cancer and cut it out. Bada bing bada boom, wham bam thank you ma'am. He freaking tore apart my chest and left me with about a 3 inch disgusting scar. Here it is the day it was cut. My scar is horrible.

  So back to present day, when I saw it, I got that gut feeling that it was the same thing. It probably took me a month to tell lee about it and another month to even call the dermatologist. A new one I might add. Anyways, when I went to the dermatologist she didn't even think it was cancer. I tried to be hopeful and forget about it but I knew what it was. About a week later they called and confirmed what I knew. Basal cell skin cancer but they referred me to a MOHs surgeon to remove it. I literally freaked out when I saw what MOHs surgery was. They cut a crater out of your skin and test it and your left with a hole anywhere from quarter size to your entire face. It's disgusting. Google it, seriously, now. So I was freaking out on the phone with the dermatologist receptionist and she suggested I have a plastic surgeon close it so there would be less scarring. I called them and set up my appointment to have a consultation. Mind you I was still freaking out on the phone with the nurse. Literally. I was bawling. When I had my consultation my blood pressure was through the roof. And when the dr came in I was already in tears. It sounds vain but the other scar is so big and hideous and I didn't want it on my face! He was incredible! Vey laid back and confident and spent a lot of time talking to me and calming me down. He explained what he was probably going to do depending on the size of the hole. I could not have asked for a better doctor. I feel so grateful for the care and concern he showed me. He also showed me many pictures of before and after and literally, I didn't see 1 scar. If I ever have to do this again, I highly recommend a plastic surgeon. Anyways, the surgery was set for 2 days later. I went into the MOHs dermatologist surgeon and he cut it out before I even knew what he was doing. He was also very personable and friendly. He kept me talking and calm and did it so quick I literally was shocked when he said he was done. When I showed him the other scar and explained why I was so scared and nervous, he offered to laser it for free. He said it would help to minimize it and he wanted to do it for free to help me out. After that was all cut out and bandaged up I headed to the hospital for the closure by the plastic surgeon. I put on the gown and went back to wait for my turn. In the waiting room, there was 6 other beds with other patients waiting for surgeries as well. My doctor came in and talked to me again for a little bit to help calm my fears. He also asked what I wanted to listen to. I was like um, I am going to be asleep and your the one cutting me and fixing it so whatever you want. The anesthesiologist also came in and then the nurse. She showed me her nose and said that in October she had the same surgery and they had to remove half her nose and she had dr. Cook (my plastic surgeon) close it and I literally could not see a scar. It was amazing. So they wheeled me back and when they opened the doors, rock and roll music was blaring. It was kinda hilarious and actually helped calm me more. I don't know why. Anyways, the dr was jamming to Aerosmith and within 20 seconds I was asleep.

  When I woke up I couldn't open my eyes. I just remember crying and saying I wanted my husband. I also felt extremely nauseous. I remember them wheeling me to the recovery room and hearing lee but I just wanted the lights off and to sleep. It hurt my eyes so bad to open them. I kept trying but man it hurt. I finally felt well enough to go home so we left at about 6 pm. My cut was on my left forehead almost right in the middle. My stitches look like an upside down cross.

  I really haven't had a lot of pain. They gave me some loratab but I really haven't needed it. I took it the day after but I don't know if I really needed it then either. On Saturday I woke up to extreme swelling in my eye and cheek. I looked weird and it felt sensitive. On Sunday the same with a little less swelling. It was normal though and today it is gone. I went back to the plastic surgeon today and he double checked it. He also gave me Botox because it paralyzes the muscles and prevents scar tissue from building. He told me in 6 weeks I probably won't even be able to see the scar. I feel extremely grateful for both the doctors. They were both amazing and calmed my fears and spent a lot of time with me. I am overwhelmed at how calm and at peace I feel about it. Thanks to my doctors. I asked to see the pictures from the surgery because I wanted to see how big the hole was and it was about the size of a nickel, maybe a little bigger. So smaller than I was expecting. If I had to do this all over again or if anyone I knew had to do this, I would go the exact same route I did. I loved both my doctors and can't express how thankful I am that they can do these kinds of things. I am thankful I was able to get the cancer out and that I could have a plastic surgeon fix it. He said it would look perfect when it was done. Here I am on Sunday night so 3 days after the surgery. I will post more pictures as it heals.

Vegas Rock N Roll

Kinda late, but here are the pics from my 4th half marathon. I went to Las Vegas with a bunch of girls I teach in Lehi. Pretty much every backed out except Abby who decided to run the full! I think I will be sticking with halfs though! It was a lot of fun since it was a rock n roll event however it was WAY too crowded. I believe I read somewhere that 44000 people were running it. We ran in legs and they let us go every 10 minutes. My biggest issue was that I spent the entire race weaving in between people and I ended up getting HUGE blisters on my feet. In fact, I thought of my toe nails was going to fall off! It hurt so bad I could barely walk. My friend that ran it found out later that the pacers were about 10-20 minutes slower simply from the crowds and it was my slowest race yet. She also calculated that she ran an extra half mile simply from the weaving! Believe me when I say it was OVER CROWDED! I did love the atmosphere and the fun of them closing the strip so we could run it at night. I am not sure if I would do that race again, but I do want to do another half as soon as my foot heals up! Here are the pics from the race. I decided to not post all million pics of the fun things we did and just posted the before and after race pictures. We did go to Mystere which is a show by Circue du Soleil and it was an interesting show. I am amazed at the human body and all the amazing things it can do! This first picture is me and Abby at the expo the day before picking up our packets and bib numbers! It is official!Here is me and Abby at the hotel before we left to go run.The other girls came and cheered me on at the end then came and met me in the Mandalay Bay where they started snapping pictures. Nice. Hot, sweaty and not ready for pictures. Then they were like "pose". So in my fuzzy late headed, 13 mile run head I threw up a peace sign. I am pretty gangsta like that!Me and my MEDAL! It glows in the dark even! How cool is that!After Abby finished we wrapped up in our tinfoil blankets and took another victory shot. I don't think anyone really truly grasps the severity of my foot pain. I honestly thought that my toenail was popping up. Every time I took a step it made a clicking feel and I had to limp. I immediately sat down, ripped off my shoes and started inspecting. I couldn't even put my shoe back on after so thankfully Abby had brought some sandals and I limped to the car in those. In case you are wondering, the toenail stayed! Finally, here is the picture of all the girls that came. It was a fun little girls weekend getaway! I had a blast!
One more new post so keep going...

Jacobs family catchup

4 months! Wow, 4 months since my last post. I don't even know what happened. I tell myself I will keep up, but I am amazed at how hard it is with 2 kids to do much of anything! Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas was a blast! Owen every day says how thankful he is that Santa brought him his shark ship, car garage and legos. He prays for those legos every single night! haha. His 4th birthday is coming up and I can't even believe he is that old. It seems like just yesterday he was born! We are going to throw him a little Lego's party with a few of his friends so that should be fun. Calvin is just adorable and growing like crazy! He is definitely a Daddy's boy!! Oh man, he does not like me or any women for that matter but he still is adorable and does the most hilarious things every day. He is literally obsessed with Owen and does whatever Owen does. We will be at the store and Owen will walk by something and hit it and Calvin will turn around and hit it exactly where he hit it and continue to follow him step by step. We were at home and I asked Owen to turn off the TV and Owen did then Calvin ran up, turned it on, then turned it off so he could do it exactly like Owen. It is so cute. I just love my two little boys so much! They are the world to me!
We had some family pictures taken of us in the fall. The kids were kinda cranky but I still think they turned out cute! I know every parent thinks this, but I think my kids are the cutest!We also had thanksgiving at my parents and everyone came so we got a pic group picture of our entire family!
So part of the reason of lack of posts is that my camera broke at Halloween and I think it's not fun unless you have a picture or two. I found our old broken camera and took a few pics of our Christmas tree so that is about it for the last 4 months of our life! Time to suck it up and buy a new one I guess! Anyways, here is Christmas morning for us. Santa layed out Owens car garage and Calvins "choo-choo". These aren't the best pictures of the boys but it gives you an idea of how big they are getting. They were way to interested in playing and didn't want to smile for the camera.
As far as Lee and I, well Lee is enjoying his job at Big D working at camp williams literally 5 minutes away! So nice! And I love teaching my aerobics classes. I do think I tore either a muscle or tendon in my ankle and need to go to the Dr to get it looked at soon. It is getting unbearable and I have had to tone it down and cut way back so I don't kill myself. I ran my 4th half marathon in Vegas in December! The Rock N Roll half, it was fun but way too crowded. I also had my 28th birthday. That's right, I am only 28. I don't know why everyone thinks I am in my mid thirties!! Do I really look that old?! ugh! Anyways, we went to Airborne for my birthday and it was a blast! They have tons of trampolines and a trampoline dodgeball area and a place to jump into foam pits. It was a blast! I felt like I was 12 again! We all dressed like gym nerds and played and had fun! I just get so sick of my January birthday always being cold and at someones house and eating. I wanted to actually DO something and have fun! If you don't know me very well, I don't enjoy just sitting around and watching TV or movies, I like to be active and moving.
Owens birthday is coming up so we are planning for that and Lee and Calvins birthdays are coming up in May. Lee will be the big 30! and Calvin will be 2! That is about it for us right now, I am sure I will try to post soon again and at least get Owens birthday on here.

Disneyland/Sea World/Beach

My parents decided they wanted to take us all on a trip to California as a family! It was sooo fun! We did Disneyland, Sea World and the beach. They rented a house in San Clemente so we were able to all be together. I loved it! I want to go back already!!

We started our trip going to Disneyland. These pictures are the first day there. So much fun!!


Calvin was not going to wait in an hour long line just to have his picture with Mickey so we are missing him.

My sweet boys!The next day we just relaxed at our beach house and got geared up for Sea World for the next day. Here we are at Sea World. It was so nice, not crowded at all! We decided to not go to the Shamu show since our kids don't sit very well and ended up being the only ones playing with the dolphins. They were adorable and kept coming to us and letting us pet them and then they would turn around and splash us with water. I loved it!
The next day we went back to Disneyland. I just love it there. We did California Adventures and Owen even went on the Tower of Terror! I refuse to go on that ride!The last day we went to the Beach and played all day. Calvin sure did not like the water or waves. It scared him and he kept trying to escape. Lol. Owen absolutely LOVED it and had a blast.