若能夠握一把刀，我想我一定會將它插入體内，來麻醉現在的痛，因我再也承受不了多一次的打擊...
All right, I know what I wrote above is depressing, but its the fact. I don't think I can withstand another damage, its too painful, its too depressing and its too horrible. Thanks to it, I did consider stabbing myself to numb myself. I had always thought that I would be strong to accept failures, but when it really happens, it really hurts and I almost gave up. It was heart breaking, really. First time was in Secondary Two. But the damage wasn't to that extent yet, just kept crying during lesson and recess. Come to Secondary Three, I cried, not in front of the class, but in front of a teacher. She was nice, she comforted me, and I was sort of glad, from her words, I am not beyond hope yet. Another teacher saw, didn't do anything, but asked whether am I all right the next day. It left me pondering, was I really the strong girl I was before, the girl immune to damage or what. I never cried when I got injured, I never cried in public. I only do that alone, in sleep. I know others will ask when I cry, and to avoid this, I tried my best to stop my tears, even when I am being criticized by my parents so badly. I scored well, but it was still not enough to satisfy you guys. Then I ask myself, what am I struggling so hard for. For your compliments? For my future? I felt really lost, and no one could guide me back. Life without an aim, its horrible. You will lose all your motivation, and you will lose all the willingness to study.

Today's English mock Examination was horrible. Think I will flung it, and suffer another damage. Didn't dare to face Mr Ong after the Examination, felt that I did him down. I think, I lost to myself, my own confidence...

Tomorrow will be another horrid day. Hope I can survive tomorrow.

If you were to examine my heart, you would be able to find lots of scars on it...

All right, first and foremost, lets reply to all the tags I had so far.
Sara: My mindset is never happy so lets not bother, and if I want to tell someone the name, I would just type it out right?
Beatrice: The song is super nice right! =D Either way, if you want to read the Chinese words, you can ask me and I may consider telling you in han yu pin yin =] Also, I am not angry with you so don't fret. You didn't do anything that's worth me getting angry. =] & thanks for making my blog lively. (:
Liangqian's: Then let me be the first to receive a phone as present? xD Either way, I am too free so I like to change skin! xD
HUILING :D: 2.4 is definitely the killer for all! &I am not smart. =x
jixiang: private blogs are so cool! xD but hardly any visits my blogs, let alone ahem..., so don't think I will go private yet =D So, ya, and you say the fonts too small, I specially use big fonts for your reply! =D

All right, finish replying, lets talk about Mid-Year. It was so horrible, I can just stare at the comprehension and starts to sleep, with my mind reading the passage. Its so boring, and the questions are freaking hard. And twin say I torture myself, where got? I only punch and pinch myself during the Exam to keep myself awake, so where got torture? xD During the exam, my back pain act up. Affected my little finger then can't write properly. Do you know why I say I'm going to fail my Chinese this time round? Thanks to Sara Lim Xue Ping telling my that handwriting matters for the language component for Composition, and guess what, my writing during the Exam was horrendous, so don't even bother thinking of getting a decent mark I guess.

Got two competitions for me to join, and I can grab people for the second one! Thats so cool, but I think that I might have to persuade some of their Chinese teachers to let them join with me, since the competition is near our Chinese 'O' level. Anyone wants to join the competition with me? xD

Back to gaming! And I suck at gaming. -.-

Its contradicting for one to ask another not to worry or cheer up when they themselves are feeling the exact same way, or maybe even worse. Guess what, I am one of them. One of these hypocrites who kept smiling on and on, regardless whether will you be hurting the other party or not. Yes, you may think I am weird, admitting to such things. But why not think it in another way, one has to face his or her true self and accept it before asking others to accept themselves. This is how life is like, and we can't change it. We can change our fate, but not the life cycle in this world, nor the mindset of others. We could influence, to a certain extent, but not completely. Tomorrows going to be a bad day, I can feel it. Mid-Year Exam, not my forte, and I have to say, I got to stop being so naggy in composition. Its bad since it will cause me to lose marks. Not from teachers, friends or brothers. Its from a book, a book on how to do Chinese Paper one. I know its weird for someone who wouldn't buy such assessment stuff for studies would actually have such a book, but its from my brother, so why not? =]

不是我不了解，只是我不想明白，爲什麽自己就是放不下...

2.4km is horrible today! Its damn tiring! And I bet I will get muscle ache tomorrow for running too much in one day. ]=I am so damn dead for my Chemistry test. Gosh, this is horrifying. Seriously, I think I am starting to feel that as time passes, a lot of people are starting to become more and more selfish in their studies. And this is bad! ]= I feel real guilty now, especially when this week has quite good grades. I forgot to bring the class diary to school! Can you believe that? This means that this whole week won't be counted, lets see, 14 excellent, 8 very good, 7 grade 2 cleanliness and 1 grade 1 cleanliness. Gosh thats a lot of points being excluded! But but, most of the excellent are split class, so the grades are also affected, but I do not know the points! =X I feel so bad, but who cares? The class don't deserve to get the best behaviour award, who ask them to be so naughty? Hmph. Next Monday is Chinese MID YEAR! Gosh, its so soon, and I can even see myself sitting for 'O's soon. Must start studying now, no more gaming! Shoo PSP! =]

不知不覺地，時間已到了四月。凝望以前的自己，才發現自己的懶散。我能來得及改變嗎？我不知道......

Now, a very bad thing is coming up. Gosh, how could you do that. Do you know that this is freaking unfair? How could you decide on one thing just by hearing it? You want me to tell you the truth, and when I told you you start scolding? Is not I am loud or what, is you are choosing to ignore what I am talking about. I tell you, and you keep on asking the same questions. Feel like slapping me, I dare you to slap, for I can tell you, from the moment your hands touch my face, you will be attending a funeral the next moment. Seriously, I am sick and tired of all those rubbish that you say. Kept repeating yourself. Have you ever put yourself in my shoes before? The answer is NO, you will never put yourself in my shoes. You are a damn biased person all right? Screw you man, and you know what, I hate you man. I am not your maid, and neither am I a robot who has to obey you no matter what. I am NOT! So you better know your stand all right?

Had a freaking oral, and it was horrible. I was tongue tied during the oral, and the teacher like asked me five questions. Was there thinking sure die already, ask so many questions. Was the first time my oral teacher asking so damn many questions. Was super sad, wanted to sob but not at home so didn't. Super in love with my blog song now! =] Going to listen over and over again! xD

不需要說出來，我想你也能了解到，我内心的恐慌，我内心的擔心。望者你的臉，想說的話都說不出口了。一想到自己的可悲，眼淚便再也控制不住，滑下我的臉頰。比起上次内心裏的猶豫不決而流下的淚，這次的痛比上次來的痛多了。不明白爲什麽，也不想去思索，自己爲什麽會變成這樣懦弱、這樣脆弱。就因爲是最後一年了嗎？就因爲是最後一年而感到猶豫嗎？這不像是我的作風，我不可能成爲我的作風。我要回到以前的生活，做會以前那毫無表情的木偶...

Seriously, I am freaking pissed off by some freaking retarded. Speaking of it makes my heart boil. Rather not remember about it. I want to work really hard for studies now, but I just can't seem to get the thought to stay in my mind. =[ Today's lesson is quite all right, and I don't really bother about typing it out for the whole day is a bit screwed. But, there is one thing I must must must post about, my 'twin' crapper's birthday is today! Celebrated with a cake, and I burnt my finger with the lighter, and it stills hurts now. She's super cute today all right? Smile smile smile, then keep on want to run away from the canteen during recess. Either way, I am cutting this short to start on a short story on another blog, which would be in Chinese as I hope that this could improve my Chinese standard. So till next time, and good luck to all for Tests and Exams are coming! =]

Think you are very clever? Nope nope nope, think twice before you say it. Was super sleepy during Mathematics, and I started reading as teacher kept repeating the same thing over and over again. Seriously, I do get bored easily this few days, so don't blame me if you are reading this. =] Next, Chinese! Was super disappointed with my freaking score. Didn't get a freaking A1, so lets work hard for an A1! After which, chemistry. Seriously, my grades are getting worse and worse, I maybe is because I still hasn't adapt to Secondary 4 life yet. I listen the lesson until now I am lost in the words of the teacher. xD Recess! Yes, I like recess, since I get to rest? But I hate going to 4B1 to put my bag for every even week Tuesday. Just because after that is double POA I have to go put my bag so that I don't need to go back to class? Boo, since I always have to wait outside their class, even when I am like dismissed late? Oh well. Was super high during POA, mainly because of my silly mistake. I forgot to include a zero and I went wrong throughout the whole question! And now I think I failed? Cool right? From 96 dropped to a fail grade. Its so damn cool! =] Chinese oral, not today, its Thursday, and guess what, this means that we do not need to go for Social Studies retarded extra lesson now! This is worth a cheer isn't it? xD

我真的不知道，自己還能說些什麽，來安慰自己脆弱的心靈。它一次又一次的，被我自己傷害，傷害到它正身是血。每當我為它服藥，眼淚總會不由自主滑落。我明白，若失去了它，就會失去了自我。它那麻木的感覺，能夠改變嗎？我已不再了解，我已迷失在我心靈的迷宮......

如鈎時間能夠從來，我一定會用心去珍惜，用心去記住你，我的往事。

Changed skin! Didn't work in the first place but after some editing, it does. =] Good right? =] Either way, not a happy post coming up.

I understand that you didn't like me, and I didn't force you to like me back, or even be my friend. At the very least I believe that I deserve some respect from you, not as a friend, but as a stranger. Do you go and talk about the strangers so loudly in front of them? Yes if you dare to say, and I dare you to say it loud in my face. And guess what, I will help you skip the mock exams, for you will be lying in the hospital and me, in girls home? I seriously don't mind, since you are the one who come and irritate me first. Also, I don't care whether you want to be my friend or what, and don't bother calling me for help. My true personality is completely different from the one in school. And you guys have never experienced it, not even my family, for I didn't flare at anyone of you yet. If you insist that that time when I shouted at Daren is my angry pattern, then you ought to be prepared, for I can ensure, it will be 100% worst. You are not worthy of me even mentioning your name. And scram off, retarded.

Either way, I hate tests or exams or oral. Its super stressing, and happy ending to me. Two tests on Thursday and now, one more oral to cap it all. Seriously, I must work hard hard hard! Hope that the oral is the cute cute teacher! Gosh, she's super cute all right? =D

All right, end of stuff, and its start of revision time! I must force myself to study, or else my future would be ruin! =O

我並不渴望些什麽，只希望能夠完成這小小的心願，那就是打敗你。

你的動作，讓我感到心寒，但又有一絲絲的喜歡。或許我心裏是變態的，一看別人傷心，自己便會開心。但這一切也不能怪我，因爲真的很難得，看得到別人比我更可悲...

Thursday, had lots of things happening. Firstly, was English assignment. Didn't manage to finish my draft, but the encouragement teacher gave was nice. Thanks teacher. Had Mathematics test after school, was hard, very hard. I believe you guys reading will be thinking that how come she says its hard? How to say, if you tell yourself its easy, you will expect yourself to score very high marks for it, and when you fail, you will feel very very disappointed. So, if you think that its hard, you will feel very happy, even with just a pass grade. =]

Friday, had only three periods of lesson, with one that is for us to rest. English was scary, had oral communication. Well you see, the scary part is when its pair work, and yet your partner is absent, you will have to read all of the words to the teacher. Its super stress all right. But, without stress and stuff, how can one improve? But, I still don't like it. Still, its kind of nice of the school to make a half day because of speech day, went back for prize giving. Don't really understand the purpose of showing our faces when our name is called, especially with my secondary One photo. All right, I was super retarded then all right. I practically lost all of those photos purposely, since they were freaking nerd! Gosh! Still can't believe that the school still kept my secondary one photo. Kind of nice, looking back into those days where I was in Secondary One. Full of mugging spirits, full of fighting spirits, and especially full with interests to the subject. Comparing last time me, I totally changed I believe. Especially one part, I don't flare up anymore when people starts to annoy me. So, I think I ought to apologize to those whom I had scolded when I was in Secondary One and Two. Also, I lost my interests, I lost my ambition, I lost my fighting spirits, I lost hope in struggling, I lost practically everything, and that includes my parents attention. I can feel that it starts to fade, as if telling me that I will be leaving them soon. I don't know why I have that feeling, but it just suddenly came. So, lets just ignore it.

Saturday, went out to K box. Was funny with three person down with sore throat still go to sing K box. Plans on losing my voice! Then I won't need to speak to anyone on Monday, but sadly, I didn't lost my voice. Went to library to borrow books. Found 'The Good Guy' again! Now I don't need to borrow from friends. [=

Today, stayed at home, supposed to be rushing homework, yet I am like blogging? Who cares? Later my homework schedule would be, finish English summary with the Word, do Physics Re-exam paper, and finally, if theres time left, I think I will do Chinese. But might take out a little time to read my Chinese Story book. Sorry, but still, Chinese story book interests me better then English. =]

And 差1%就愛上你 has very nice poems? Not very certain, but if its a phrase, it sure is nice. =D

Question: Life and Death, which came first?
Answer: Life of course! Without having a life, who will die?
Question: Then any of it exist without the other?
Answer: No, I know its sad for those who believe or wants to live forever, but the fact stays still.
Question: What do you mean by the fact? Mind elaborating?
Answer: Its simple. These two are link together in the process. People will die eventually, painfully or maybe not. Everyone has a lifespan, and no one knows clearly, when will it end. So my advise to all is live the life they want, or else, they might die with regret.
Question: Then are you afraid of death?
Answer: Not really, I am more afraid of other things. Or rather, I look forward to it. I really am tired of living, in this complicated and messy world. You never know what will happen in the future.
Question: Look forward to it? Why? Won't those people who love you get hurt by it?
Answer: People who loved me? Nope, they don't exist. I exist in this world is for others to compete against, for others to scold and boss around, its for others, not for myself. So why not look forward to the ending of it?
Question: Ending? Death is never a solution to anything! Hence you shouldn't look forward to it!
Answer: I know, death is not a solution, but something for just cowards. Yes you may say that I am a coward, and I don't care. However, did you ever think that life is just like a story, where you are the lead character in it? Every story has an ending, it could be beautiful, it could be horrible. Is it wrong to just look forward to the ending or a story? And I know one thing, 'begin with the end in mind'. I begin with a beautiful death as my end in mind, and I continued my life. And so what if I look forward to it? Every has to face death eventually, no one can live for eternity. Hence, there is nothing wrong with it.
Question: What about you people reading this? Do you have the same mindset as me?...

Felt troubled this days, feeling kind of lost. But who cares? I doubt anyone would. Seriously, if people ask me the questions above, I will answer the way I typed it out here. Want to send me for counseling? Sorry, but I doubt that the counselor will be able to counsel me at all, for I am way beyond hope. Either way, I think I had enough, study should be my first priority, not anything else.

I don't need all those talking, its just rubbish. You guys had dashed my dream, and I hate myself for that. Its funny, when you guys dashed my dream, I ended up hating myself. But, I only have myself to blame, for allowing my dream be dashed by you guys. And, all I ask for now is time reverse, back to the time where I was primary six, and I promise, I will study then...

我不想再去管，在去想，为什么自己会变成这样，为什么会失败到这样离谱。我说，我要改变，我一定要。这是忘记你后的第一个承诺...

I know I am a naughty girl who is doing all the wrong things at the wrong time, but my mind just can't absorb in the chemical stuff! What, Al(III) and Pb(II) forms white ppt in both Na(OH) and NH3 solution, dissolves in excess Na(OH)...gosh! I just can't remember all! So screwed up now. And just now during school time, I received such a nice gift, so nice that I feel like tearing up the information paper she printed. Seriously, I WILL NEVER SKIP LESSONS FOR THAT STUPID COMPETITION!(I can use CAPS to emphasize! =D) Either way, that retarded recipe will only cause people to have diarrhea, so whats the freaking use of it? If you dare to force me, I will make sure that you will regret doing so for I can guarantee you that I will definitely flare up, and I am sure it will be comparable to all the teachers you ever met so far. So don't try me.

Was super quiet today, thanks to my beloved cough which is causing me to 'lose' my voice sometimes. Now going to study study study! And I must work hard work hard work hard!

'O's seriously draws near! Its just like 1 month and 10 days to my first paper? Gosh! Must study and improve my formal letter! I mustn't let the content marks continue like that!(7,6,5,4) So I must work harder! =D Changing from slacking mode to mugging mode starts now!

Do you know, whenever I saw you, I starts to curse and swear? Do you know, I seriously hate it when I see you smile? You look freaking '欠扁' whenever you smile? I seriously wish that you had never came, then maybe my interest towards that subject will never dim. Seriously, maybe its not just you, but all of them. I wished I had never came to CTSS, then I wouldn't have meet you people, who seriously causes me to completely lose interest in the subject. And guess what, if I didn't score an A1 for the subject, I think I will jump off the building opposite of the holding site, you know, the one near Long John Silvers? Yes, around that area since its like 40 blocks high. And you guys would be the culprit. I don't care whether are you reading this or not, because I have nothing to hide, and by all means counsel me. I gladly welcome it for you guys can never change my mindset.

"No one controls my life except for me, &I do what I want!"

Gosh, the more I read or see about the phone, the more I fell in love with it. Nope, its not Nokia this time round, its Sony Ericsson this time. Do be a kind soul and buy for me when its out? There is two phones I want. First would 'W350i'. It looks nice all right. If I could get this phone, I want the graphic white/electric black all right. It is still coming soon, and I have to pray that it will be out next year since I can only change my phone next year. Sad right, but it doesn't pay to dream. xD The second phone I am aiming for is 'W980i' It is a flip phone. Well, theres only one colour co-currently, but its piano black! So I don't mind the colour naturally since its black. xD It is, too, under coming soon and I still pray of course. =]

And guess what? My phone is starting to give me the urge to break it since sometimes, it won't receive sms or calls, and sometimes others can't hear what I am saying. This sucks. Still, I have to keep it for lets see, another one year and about 3 months. Sad sad.

And now I am getting more and more sick despite me seeing doctor yesterday. Today's even worse! Rawh! Waste of money! Got to stop here, my eyesight starts to blur up again. Till next time.

I don't know what I can do, just to let myself forget. Your face and name kept reappearing in my mind. If this continues, I think I will go mad. Burying myself in studies seems the only way for me to slowly forget you, but the process is too slow, but it is still better than none...

Sometimes, I do wonder, whether is it the right decision, to avoid everything. I do, and I know, shutting myself up is no good. But, I don't have much choice do I? Life is always up and down, filled with unexpected stuff. I know, people could be hurt because I put on a mask and face everything, including them. But, that had became my true nature, really. Scared, frightened, hurt, happiness, joy, I almost experienced everything that is related to it. Sometimes, I even wonder, whether am I to continue my struggle for existence. It just seems too hard, and everything starts to turn into an obstacle. It is frightening, to discover that every single thing you held begins to turn into an obstacle. Yes, I do admit, my fighting spirit gets stronger if others excel. However, the 'fighting spirit' starts to become an obstacle, and yet it was the motivation that helped me. What should I do? 'Face it and overcome it. Turn it into your strength and use it.' That was my brain's answer, but my heart was in a fluster. Am I able to succeed? Am I able to overcome it? I am starting to get a bit contradicting with myself, and that is not good at all.

不需要猶豫，你早已決定你的未來。堅持下去，不需要理會他人的目光。情緒要收拾好，不然你的腳步就會放慢。到那時，後悔也來不及了。

Why? Do you think that having an argument now is worth it? Do you think that having an argument will help you release your stress? The answer is NO! It doesn't help you in anyway! Wake up girl! You maybe facing a lot of stress/obstacles now, but so what? If you could overcome all these stress/obstacles, you might be able to achieve great things in the future! Handle things well, and don't let your emotions get over you! Looking down may seem attractive for you to jump down, but don't attempt on it. It will only cause the people who 'cares' about you to get hurt. Maybe, you feel that no one really cares about you, but still, it is not worth it for you to jump. Prove them wrong, prove to them that you can do better, let them regret, let them know they did you wrong. You can do it...even though you have to shed blood and tears!

Don't look back, you only have one way left. Tears could be shed, blood could just flow, but remember, you are different from others. They have their parents care, but you don't. They have parents to share their joy, but you don't. They have parents to help them, but you don't. And thats why you seemed to be more mature then others, even your inner thinking. Their parents will not keep reprimanding, but yours will. Their parents thinking are flexible, but yours isn't. Strive on, don't let others outshine you anymore. Change your mindset to studying, to mugging...even at the cost of all of them.

Do you know how it feels like when one climb high up, but just because they took one wrong step, they fell? Its like the Chinese saying, 爬得越高，跌得越痛. Have you really experience it? Just a few more positions and one can reach his or her aim, yet because of one mistake, the distance became greater? Do you really understand how it feels?

Do you know that how much hurt can be delivered though the usage of words? Its just like, 人的心是脆弱的. Did you experience this before? Everyday communicating with each other, using all the different kinds of languages and vocabulary, but just one word and it would be sufficient enough to cause one to burst into tears? Do you really know that kind of feeling?

Post will be greatly reduced, due to some events. Sorry for the inconvenience caused. Also, 'cbox' messages will not be replied unless its super important or I feel that there is a need for a reply. Also, most of the post will be about self-reflecting. (:

"Whats this? Grades dropping, slacking, rushing your homework? This is so not like you! You always had finished your homework on time, even if its a lot. You still managed to finished it and do the necessary revision if there is a test the next day before 10. Why? Why did your attitude towards study changed dramatically? What has happened? No one else know but you! Do ponder about it, do reflect on it, Mitchelle. This action will only cause you to be further away from your target, your aim and more importantly, your future."

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This is her blog. So please respect her privacy. If she crossed out certain words or phrases, it is only meant for her to be seen and not anyone else. But she tries not to do so. Rip all you want, if you are able to make that right click work. Spam all you want, if you don't mind your tags being deleted. After all, it's a free world. If you hate what you see, then click here.

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Girl called Mitchelle.
Born in 18 Sept, she was once a clementeen and now a JJcian. Once ♥2B12006 and 4D12008! in CTSS and now `09S14 in JJ. She ♥Soft Toys, Games & Chocolates. She detests noise, hypocrites & lies. Contact her through her Email.
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Wants:

Macbook Pro(13 inch)

Netbook

iPod touch

white newsboy cap

black newsboy cap

That Headset

Soft toys

Clothes

Bags

Shoes

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♥ 2B12006 4D12008! ♥ Story/words. Andria Beatrice Denise Estee Glenice Huiling Hwee Chin Jasvinder Jenny Jiayin Jingyi Jixiang Keiko Liangqian Mervyn Nicholas Lim Peiqi Quanmei Ruby Ruiqi Sara Shalini Sinyee Sulyanna Tricia Vanessa Xueer Yanni Yansze Yanwah Yen Ting Yilin