Why...why can't she just understand. Why must she make life difficult for me when I am already so damn stressed up? I know this isn't a time for me to blog, but I just want to cry, just want to find a place where I pour out my sorrows, but there isn't anyone around for me, just no one. Alone in the room, with four walls and music playing, with the toys lying on my bed, with the pile of books lying everywhere, there's no one for me to pour out my sorrow. No one, even before he went to army. Even though I had less problems when his around, but I am glad that his not around, at least when I sob in my bed, no one would knows. When I want to hurt myself, no one would stop me. I am really glad, but I can't handle it anymore. School, now I really wished that there's something for me to stay in there, at least I won't need to face her. Studies is not the one creating all the stress that I have, but its just her, her alone. Can't she just leave me alone, why must she keep pestering me? The moment I reach home, she talks non-stop. Non-stop. I don't know how to continue like this, smile? They are all fake, never real since Primary School. I know I look scary when I was in Secondary 1, but I tried to change, trying to adapt to a new lifestyle, but its too hard, too hard. Maybe I should just change back, change back to my old self. At least, I will be stronger that way, really, stronger in facing and coping the stress. Back to the black and white world, back to the silent world, back to the decisive world where only the strongest survive...maybe thats my only way of survival...

She started looking back,
tracing back.
The muddy path,
the teary path.
Her spilled blood,
dye it red.
Was it worth it,
for spilling the blood out,
she ponder
and wonder.
If she chose the other road when she reach the fork,
would it be worse,
or even curse
by the many others.
Or would it be better,
that help her survive easier.
She do not know the answer,
but hoped that it was the latter.
She stay rooted,
letting her tears sink
into the ground.

Quite a number of activities happened today. Feeling kind of negative this few days. Don't ask me why, for I don't know the reasons myself. I still lack the motivation to study! Despite I am willing to stay back for extra lessons and to confirm that I know what is going on in the lesson, I seriously lack the motivation to study! I wasn't like this when I was in Secondary One, but I changed completely when I reach Secondary Two. Maybe is because I became confused, confused with myself. Tomorrow's my second 'O' level SPA, and I can't feel anything, nothing at all. I can't find the motivation to study, I just can't. I tell myself that I should study but I just lack the motivation. There's still Chinese Test and a POA test tomorrow, but I can't feel any stress accumulating at all. There's none, zero stress. I don't know what's happening to me, I don't know. I need to study, I really need to, and I have to learn to say no from now on, I really need to say no soon...

Lost in her way of life,
she doesn't know where her end point lie.
Ahead is a foggy road,
Where her true destiny starts to unfold.
Alone and suffering,
she became numb to her surrounding.
Smiles and laughter,
they are just her mask of life.

I will not be emo, so don't worry. I will not be sad, so don't worry. I will smile and face my life the way it is, so don't fret for me. I will not become a burden to anyone, so forget about me, forget the way I behaved, forget the way I cried, for I will 'forget' all the pains and torture all has once gave. To live and to forgive, that was be how I live for all these years, and that started in Primary School. I treat all these as my life exposures, so don't fret, I will live my life, in a very happy way. Even if I hate you, I will still treat you as a friend, I will still smile and talk to you, as if we have no hatred among us. You will never discover whether I hate, dislike, loathe, or even like you, since I will never show it out. People's attitude, I don't have, I wished I had it, then maybe, life would be much easy. Worrying about others whether will they be hurt by what I said, or my actions would result in, it has caused people around me to live easier but at the mean time, I suffer. But don't worry about me, I am all used to it, used to living in pain, used to suffer alone, cause it seems much better then causing so many other people to suffer with me. I will continue to be my cheerful self that you see when you see me in school, for nothing will change, only my heart will change, my feelings will change, but if there is one thing that will not change, it would be smiling towards others. I will smile towards everyone, even those that I really hate, for I decided to change.

As the 'O' levels draws close, I could feel the school pressure on us, I could feel the pressure that my brother left, I really could feel it, I just won't react. Don't ask me why, for I too don't know the reason. I just feel that its too stressing, so stressing that I do not wish to continue my struggle. I want to prove to others my existence, I really want to show them that I could be like him, but the difference in our IQ, is really too big. I need air, to survive, and to continue my life. I wish that I could start studying, or even have the motivation to study, but its just, not there. Maybe its because, I gave up, totally, for I can never beat him. I just wished that, before Chinese 'O' levels draws near, I will be willing to study, willing to strive for it, I hope that it will reach soon.

People hating each other, scolding each other, is getting more and more common in Secondary Four life. Maybe thats why our School is famous for friendship breakup? Thats what I heard but it may not be true. For I had seen examples that did not happened. They remained as friends, best friends after they graduated. So, lets smile and resolve every single hatred before we graduate! And thats why its one of my resolution this year. =]

Reply to Tags:
sara: ty and I hope that u are not...*hope 8]
beatrice: I will cheer up one so don't fret. =] u will not c me sad one coz it will affect others too =]
!Ruby: and 4D1 will burn until midnight! =] <3

Don't really know what is happening to me today, or maybe now. Feel so stressed up all of a sudden, then there's still so much homework left for me to do. I seriously don't know what I should do now. I feel like, everybody is like forcing me, forcing me to listen to them and follow their method of living, its so stressing me up. I really don't know what I should do now, I don't know what my future really holds, I don't know what my aim in life is. Its like everything that lies ahead of me is being covered in darkness, so dark that its captivating me in it, slowly, bit by bit, suffocating me, reducing my consciousness, numbing my senses, and leading me towards the road of despair. Its a torture, really, a torture. Everyone has their problems, I am willing to listen to them pouring out their problems, helping them solve it, share it so that they won't feel alone, so that they won't be like me. I had already forgotten how it feels like to be a normal person, who will have feelings, who will have attitude towards those that they don't like, who will seek another way out of the trouble their facing. I can't do any of these, I just can't. Even my parents can do that, adults can do it, others can do it, but I just can't. I can comfort others, I can help others, but I can't help myself, even though I know what am I facing and how can I resolve it. Its a torment, a horrible thing, so horrible that I think I am going to lose, lose to the struggle that I can win. There's no one I can trust, because I have been hurt real badly, even by my own parents. They may not know it, but they hurt me a lot, a lot. I want to cry out, my eyes, my mind and my body tells me that, but my heart just won't agree. I think I already forgotten how to cry, how to cry for a long time, how to ignore people that I hate, how to face them with attitude, how to win my own battle against life. I'm really tired, really, yet I can't show them out. Cause if I did, parents would ask me why, friends would ask me to share what happened and maybe, try and counsel me. But it won't work, no use, for my heart is already dead, for a long time. Maybe it starts when I was in Primary 3, when I first felt betrayed, alone. Its really a torture, it hurts so much that I lost memories, completely. If you ask me what happened in my childhood days, I can tell you that, do I even have a childhood? If I has, can you help me find out? That will truly be my answer. The memories I have now, are all just bitter memories, no happy memories at all. I smiled all day, trying not to show anyone that I am upset or anything, I see people cry, its seems so easy, yet I find it hard, really hard. Lessons are easy, thats the truth, honest, that I can't find any challenge to it, no challenge, means no interest. Yet, I have to force myself to find interest in it. I just want to cry...pour out all my sorrows into tears, but its too hard...
Don't ask me about this post, for I will never tell it out, what my troubles are, what I really want...

The Lights Went Out For Me,
The Darkness Starts to Surrounds Me.
I Seems To Have Lost My Way,
Along With The Familiar Day.

Yes thats right! I am blogging after my sports camp! Its not a very nice camp since I slept over in school! Now I have serious pain in my neck and back muscle. Its very painful, when I stretch. [Please forgive my spelling error] Six hours of training is a total torture, and the Barbecue only has Chicken Wings! Its so boring! 4D1 is super high during campfire, in which I went and joined in. =] Its so fun joining with the class! Campfire is much much better than barbecue! Campfire can really bring out the camp spirit! Its so fun Campfire! This year's Secondary One isn't very high during Campfire, but high when they return back to class...they like, was high at the wrong timing. Boys bathing in girl's bathroom! Thats outrageous, ridiculous and hilarious. I wanted to see the Secondary One's dancing the mass dance since they were asked to dance at the Quadrangle and we were cleaning the classroom that we used, but we finished cleaning up very fast since we started rite before going to morning flag raising. However, I didn't manage to see since a teacher asked them to change, pack their stuff and bring them to the hall. I was so furious that I gave up looking at the dance! Its so retarded! Sore Throat is worse, thanks to the shouting at Campfire. =] Cough and flu are also getting worse, reason I also don't know. I want to go for Secondary Four camp still! =[ Sleep time, since I can't sleep well in the retarded school compound... =]

Had Sports camp today! Its going to be a 3 days 1 night camp, in which involves me in staying in the retarded school when I am sick like mad. Its going to do more harm to my health! Some of the people don't need to stay overnight since they got competition the next day! Its so unfair! My match starts on the 28th January? Thats what I heard co-currently. I need to improve my English in order to obtain my A2, since I aim for at least a distinction for every subject, but mainly still an A1 for most of the subjects, example would be my Mathematics, Chemistry. No one's online now, so can't chat about the various camp we attended. Can anyone actually believe that I, who hates lesson, actually misses them now? I feel that lessons is much much better than training the whole day! I miss Miss Tan Wen Yi's voice, asking us to pay attention, I miss Miss Foo's Chinese lesson that can cause me to have heart attack, I miss Miss Ng asking questions and rushing the lesson, I miss Miss Janet's Tan's shouting, asking us to keep quiet, I miss Mrs Wang's lectures that cause me to sleep! I actually missed those stuff! It seems so much better then training the whole day! I miss chatting with classmates, I miss the air-con of the the class, I miss crapping with Hwee Chin! I miss so much things! Its so terrible!

Secondary Four camp seems much more relaxing than Sports Camp! Its held in air-con room! Its so unfair! While I were under the scorching sun, they are enjoying air-con! Its so unfair! I want a change! Might visit them when they are having their Social Dance, will see how they learn the dance since that time I am having my rest from the three hours training. Barbecue is the same time as Campfire! So I get to see the Secondary Four/Five perform! =]

Will blog when I came back from the camp on Friday I hope. =] And I want the Secondary Four camp tee too! =]

All right folks! Currently taking a tiny bit of time out to type this post! I got TONS of Mathematics homework today, thus can't really spend a lot of the time to type the post. Currently I am dying due to my cold! Its so horrible that i need tissue now! Wait for a while...all right I am back. People who knows me and happens to read this post, please kindly help me prepare some tissue paper when I go to school! I am in need of tissue! And my fever's back, and thats not good. Hope to get well before the BBQ since I am a greedy person! =D

Yes! Changed Skin. Spent about 50 minutes editing the template since can't really use the original as can't see the post but after my editing, can see! If not how do you even read my post? All right, I am being retarded here so basically can ignore me.

Spent my time changing skin instead of doing my Chinese homework. But you can't really blame me since I am starting to lose my interest in Chinese, reason only few would know. Better go back and do my homework, I am super scared of my CHINESE teacher! Reason? I also don't know but I am just SCARED!

I am feeling really really dizzy now. Think I might faint soon. I so miss playing computer games, but just my luck for falling sick. Can't use computer for too long and I have an assignment on Geography which requires me to use computer? I am like I cant stand the dizziness already! Being sick is just the worst thing that can happen to me! Theres training on Monday, Sports camp on Wednesday to Friday and I am feeling unwell! I have to get well soon! I can't afford to miss lessons! Especially Miss Janet Tan's lesson since Mathematics lessons has piles of homework every day, and there is Mathematics lesson every single school day, but her homework are quite easy to do. =D

The reason I don't want to skip school is because I am now in Secondary Four and there is 'O' levels this year! I can already feel the pressure so mind stop reminding me about it? Think I will stop here since I have to rush my Geography homework before I go to Clementi Community Centre for my Scholarship! Kind of glad that I could receive one this year but my brother top me of again with his 'theres no scholarship in JC' speech. I so hate his mentality! Just because of this my parents think I did not work hard enough! Say I must work harder to be as clever as him. I am just me! I am not a crazy person who can study as well as him! Damn him!

Its been quite some time since my last post, sad to say that school doesn't really allow me to have time for blogging. Its really kind of sad to miss the Secondary four camp, actually I rather dance then train. It seems so much better. Guess I can only have a laugh during the Secondary One Campfire. I shall watch the Secondary four perform while I eat BBQ! =D

Today went raining so heavily that my bag's soak! But luckily my books ain't soak. Theres debate today but can't go and support, but I will support here. JIAYOU PEEPS! WIN THE OTHER TEAMS! YOU GUYS CAN DO IT! Overall lesson view for now, English is FUN and I seem to be able to understand what teacher is talking about and thats good! Chinese is scary but FUN, Chemistry is ... only had a proper lesson so can't really comment about it. Humanities is FUN as there is chocolates. =D I'm greedy you know. Mathematics is freaking BORING, I'm almost falling asleep every lesson. Physics is NICE but not fun, Principal of Accounts is SCARY!

Study stress is accumulating like MAD. And I can't really stand it anymore. Felt like crying but don't worry, you people won't see it, since I made a promise not to cry in front of others to ___. Now I hate MATHEMATICS HOMEWORK! Its never little, its never thin, its always thick and hard, as in the questions not the paper. =D

Hope I can handle my stress well enough to escape the fate of counseling! And I just wish that the teachers can stop reminding me that theres 'O' levels this year. And I think my brain can no longer think properly, since I got trick in the test! =X

There is Physical Education tomorrow and I got muscle ache today! Thats not good, especially when it will be worse tomorrow. And there is Centre3 tomorrow, I wonder what we will be doing. (:

I will cure my problem on my own, and thats my silent promise to you... (:

Its been three days since school reopens. Its kind of tiring, but its still better than staying at home doing nothing. Also, its not good since everyday there's homework, and its a lot of homework! Had no new teachers that came to school, and thats a good thing. But, secondary four life is so damn tiring! Every single period will led to you know, 'O' Levels. And thats not good at all! The only thing I can do now is work hard for it! There's too many thing to blog if I am supposed to talk about school, so doubt I will do it. I AM HAVING A TERRIBLE HEADACHE RIGHT NOW! So I need rest, thus will blog more next time. (:

&&I will work hard for English!

First and foremost, I would like to wish all that visit my blog after this post a happy belated new year, unless you are reading today, then it would be a happy new year. Hopefully in this year, everyone will have good results in everything they do, for example studies, work or even your relationship with your friends, teachers and not to forget, your family. This year marks a new beginning for all of us, and also a tiring year for some of us. However, hopefully that this year we can endure it well before we breakdown. Lets face this year with smiles and laughter, which can reduce our stress level. To cap it all, I hope that I can reduce my hatred to some people, as it seems a bit mean to leave the school, hating them, but its hard, VERY hard. Made some new year resolution, and all of them are hard to keep! (:

October 2006
November 2006
December 2006
January 2007
February 2007
March 2007
April 2007
May 2007
June 2007
July 2007
August 2007
September 2007
October 2007
November 2007
December 2007
January 2008
February 2008
March 2008
April 2008
May 2008
June 2008
July 2008
August 2008
September 2008
October 2008
November 2008
December 2008
January 2009
February 2009
March 2009
April 2009
May 2009
June 2009
July 2009
September 2009
November 2009

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Girl called Mitchelle.
Born in 18 Sept, she was once a clementeen and now a JJcian. Once ♥2B12006 and 4D12008! in CTSS and now `09S14 in JJ. She ♥Soft Toys, Games & Chocolates. She detests noise, hypocrites & lies. Contact her through her Email.
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