yet another event completed.

many thoughts....

is this worth it? am i on the right track? will i do it differently?

if this is what enlarge, extend my territory means. help me to trust u that i am walking in your plan.

If this is not what u intended, then knock some sense into me.
----
Strangely it feels very unfamiliar to me.again.

有求于人就是这种感觉吧？
好委屈。。。好想哭。。。
一种说不出，不知要如何形容的感觉。。。
想起7年前也是这种感觉。。。
当时的我打从心里发誓---再也不要相信/靠别人了，还是靠自己比较好。
如今，我不希望再次筑起心中的那道保护墙。
神啊，赐我力量，让我能继续依靠您、相信您！

have not been practising my ukulele for the longest time ever..

pain pain go away~

Finally went to do my blood test...

Although I'm hoping that it's not the worse outcome, I am not denying that there's a possibility for the worse..

Maybe I am worrying too much..

But the thought of it is certainly overwhelming...

what if one day i can no longer hold a thing in my palm, when it hurts to even hold a pen?
what if one day i lose the ability to walk with my feets, when i could feel the pain with each step?
what if one day i cannot live as normally as i would like to be, and once again i'll become my parents' burden?

Deep down in me, there's already this uncertainty that i may collapse and leave just like that...

And now, I am going through this pain which is like a louder reminder to me that life is fragile and i am getting weaker.
---
I cannot control the outcome..but I can choose to embrace my pain and treasure every single moment..

现在的我，只想自私的对自己好一点。。。

finally made the decision...


u say u r disappointed in me because i reacted...

then what am i supposed to do?


if i hadnt reached a pt where im on the verge of breaking, i know i wouldnt have said it out.

感觉好辛苦!
----
why am i spitting out blood nowadays?!

最近身体出现了好多问题。。。Haix :(

Trying very hard not to let fear set in...

- not knowing the cause can be scary because we tend to think of the worse...then again..what can be worse when I was already born with pre-existing condition right?

Kind of decided not to let the pain affect my life...

- even if I got to live with the pain, I can learn to get used to the pain and not let the pain become an excuse...

---

face the world with a smile and be me

it's drawing closer to the day of the year where i hate the most...

i need to learn...

好难受的感觉。。。
一向来讨厌被冤枉的我觉得这一切都好不值得。。。
算了吧，就当作是我的错。。。

多年不见，想不到我们的默契还在；仍然能够互话不谈。。。
谢谢你对我的信任，把那心中的秘密告诉了我。

虽然知道你们都各自开始了另一段关系，有种说不出的感觉。。。
就好象。。。难免会让我去思考现在的你们真的比较开心吗？

虽然你还是一副无所谓的样子，我相信过去几年不好过吧？
因为从你的笑声和肢体语言中，还是看得出一点点的无奈。。。
好希望是我猜错了。

有好多好多的想法，但却不方便发问，因为我选择要尊重你的决定。

希望我们会是永远的朋友！

RAHHHHHHHHHH!

Irritated to the max. period.

if all along it was an agony for u..why have me in the first place?

a thousand times i asked myself, a thousand times i hated myself.

maybe things would not come to this state if i had stick to my decision back then.

if i could do anything to please u, i know i will, but have u ever taken notice?

angry angry angry!

parents accused me for blaming J but hello..truth revealed tt im not wrong at all.

rahhhhhhhhhh :(

all im asking in a friendship is honesty...is that too much to ask for?
--
the tinge of pain is yet another day of reminder that there's a thorn in me
---
I'm not the man I want to be, if I could rewrite history
I'd take away this fleshly thorn and be reborn
I guess I'm in good company, there was a guy named Paul you see
A much far greater man than me, he suffered too
Oh please take this thorn away, if even just for one whole day
I promise I'll be good I pray, for just one day
But life goes on day after day, it seems this thorn is here to stay
My hope is gone like yesterday, oh woe is me
And then one day I see the light, not in color but black and white
The thorn's still there but I don't care, not quite as much
For each day brings with it a choice, to feel sorry or just rejoice
His grace is sufficient for me, and now I'm free
If I should die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take
Straight up to those pearly gates, up yonder
I'm not the man I used to be, I now accept my humanity
Not as afraid of this fleshly thorn, I've been reborn

Went to H's father's funeral wake..

If I could feel impacted by her father's death, let alone the impact on her?

Maybe it's occupational hazard coz I start wondering how are they going to cope and manage now that the sole breadwinner is no longer around...

---

H was -_-''' when she realised that my grandma passed away 2 yrs ago and I didnt informed her of the funeral...

oops! I guessed it was because i wanted to be left alone at that point in time..

---

heard from H about how it happened...

makes me start reflecting about myself..becoz i could easily be in that same place...

A is doing exactly what L did previously..

I guessed this is disturbing for me...

I was not feeling so bad earlier on, at least not until I heard from O about what A told O...

I am REALLY disappointed.. like seriously..

If u really care, why are u saying all these things to hurt people who are supposedly close to ur heart?

---

this trial of trust will lead me to either healing or destruction?

Event: Heard another decision.

Fs: Disappointed. Sad.

Fs abt fs: Helplessness. Angry.

P: I am betrayed. Q failed me, This world is unsafe. There is nobody that I can trust.

Exp: I want to know why. Q want me to understand.

Y: Accountability. Hope. Control. Faith. Love. Understanding.

Self: Disconnected - SR.

Event: Heard abt the decision.

Fs: Surprised. Disappointed

Fs abt fs: Helplessness.

P: It's not within my control. K is struggling. Everyone has a moment of wanting to escape.

Exp: All the more I need to hang on. They will not follow after K. K should not behave in this way. They want me to do something about this.

Y: Responsibility. Control. Hope. Faith. Accountability.

Self: Disconnected - P.
----
No more excuses.period.