to you:

it's been 2 years...

everything seems to be replaying in my head each time i thought of you...

and it hurts so badly...

i know a part of me still holds on to the different aspects of unforgiveness...

i cant forgive those who should be there but gave many excuses not to be there because it's troublesome...

i cant forgive those who didnt do enough but blame others for not doing enough...

most importantly, i cant forgive myself...simply because it's me.
---
i missed every single moment spent with you..


even if i get another chance to choose again, i know i will still choose to be by your side...

many things tt set me thinking...

- dental visit made me realised how cautious i was regarding my health...as much as the jabs were a pain, nth greater than my fear of relapse.. i still find it hard to explain to ppl abt my condition, maybe coz im also equally confused...

- a friend told me that commitment is tough when it's not sth tt is of interest.. does that mean that commitment is easy when we are passionate? does that mean that commitment = only doing things that we like?

there's more on the list of discouragement but i shall not mention here..

it will always be a reminder that i have this kind of "vibes/attractions"

not the kind of helplessness "i can't do it"

not the "i know it all" mentality

but i guessed it's more of curiosity..

a friend told me that it's seasonal which i do agree..

i supposed it's a reminder that it's another season again...

Familiar dialects Familiar faces

Just a warm feeling all of a sudden...

And this left me with flashbacks of memories...

A risk I'm taking..

A test of integrity..

Dejavu feeling of history repeating itself...

Make or Break?

I dun like the idea of being competitive..

I hate it even more when I felt threatened by people around me who tried to compete with me...

Maybe I'm thinking too much but things just get reinforced the way I sees it...
---
I guessed I know where this SR part of me comes about...

and the fact that it's concealing the P part of me...

Realising that I might still be holding on to the past is scary...

Yet my greatest fear is that I might lose U along the way...

Went down to visit L with much anxiety..

At that very moment when L so called "fainted", i can no longer hold my tears..

The thought that I had was "Don't do this to me!"

I'm reminded of my grandma...

Fear that I will witness the passing on...

Fear that I will lose this dear friend...
---
today i realised one of my extended family member is also in the same block...

Yesterday when I went to visit C, i was at loss...C lost her hearing and her sights r affected too..

Today i was glad to hear from the team-mates that they are helping C...

whatever that is being done now is an attempt to prolong life...

Topic of death..important but still it will instil fear in people..

although C has come to terms with her condition, her family is not ready to say goodbye to her..

i hate goodbyes like this..but i know it's important for both the living and the dying...

i think death itself is not scary..it's the process of dying that is scary..

to me, i think hearing deterioriation in C's condition each day pains me...

i fear the day when C no longer recognises us...

Pretty helpless aint we?
---
i think it triggers the other losses in my life..and it really hurts.

it broke my heart when news about the earthquake and tsunami in Japan were out...

there was a prediction that there will be a major disaster coming up either Mar 19 or May 21...

how do you define a friend?
---
off to pack my bag for tml's stayover~

Preoccupied with thoughts...

Work+Study=??

120703 was the day i met U and I knew U wld be my BFF when I set my sight on U

U were adorable in Ur own ways...
- Innocent look on that smirky arrogant face
- The tilted ? look on Ur face
- Scratching the door to signal that U need to get in/out of the room
- Jumping around me whenever I get home
- Running around and barking madly at me after Ur bath to show Ur displeasure

Uniquely U I wld say...
- Never allowing anyone who comes into the house to get out without Ur permission
- Behaving jealously whenever U see me carrying other dogs or small children
- Guarding against whoever is holding anything that belongs to the house, so much so that the person can only sit and stay seated
- Fighting with Dad whenever U get the opportunity to do so in my presence
- Chasing after me whenever we go for late night walks as though we're playing hide-and-seek
- Best hunting dog that never fail to help Dad track down his jumping fishes that went missing from the fish tank
- Taking a nap besides me on the cosy bed and start groaning when I move a little
- Groaning when I stroke U while U were eating Ur kibbles
- U wld only allow me to stroke U for a few minutes before U scurry off to munch on Ur kibbles
- My ever dearest soul-mate who is so sensitive to my feelings, parking Urself next to me whenever I'm down

For 7 years and 6 months, U changed from a brownish black with blue tan to a greyish white with pink tan..

So much that I could pen down about U but no words could describe the warm feelings I have towards U

U seems to know that today will be the day when U whined and teared the moment I stroked U...

210111 is the day when I said bye to U for the very last time
---
It suddenly struck me that i will never be able to call Ur name again as I stepped into the house

and yes I dread the idea of coming home now

I know no other one can ever replace U in my heart..even if it has exact same look or temperament as U..

U will always be the one and only beloved Dino in my heart

Life is so so so fragile..

Just like the recent news about this person who is cleared of cancer but was crushed to death by someone else who jumped off the building...

When news of L's relapse came suddenly, it reinforces the fact even more..
---------
Heard some updates about my classic girl...

Seems like she isn't coping in the new environment either..

Though I wished tt I could bump into her one day but certainly I don't wish to see her in tt state of life...
---------
D is getting skinnier each day...

I can literally see his skeleton as he lies on his side...

my heart is heavy-laden when i heard the news...

somehow reminds me of ah yi..

similar plight tho im hoping for different outcome..

told mum abt it but i think i ended up triggering her...

i think mum still hold on to the regrets..