It will naturally strike a chord within when I hear about a friend's sharing of his/her parents' suspected diagnosis

The kind of fear, anxiety, helplessness....

Reminds me of my loved ones who hd passed on...including dearest SC

Life goes on for the ones who are left behind... it's really what we do/treasure/cherish in the present rhat is more important.

Somehow the tears just flow uncontrollably.

That moment when i felt so defeated deep down in my spirit.

If not for those words, for the hugs, for the silly advices, i really would have crumbled.

Now it's time to reflect and think about what I need to do next.

Back from camp - a time of good reminder and a time of remaking new decisions.

It is never gonna be easy but at least I'm trying. Gonna struggle for awhile.

it has been a full month filled with mixed feelings..

1) Bye & Hello!

Bunny boy left pretty suddenly on the 1st day of the month. He was still alert as usual when I left home in the morning but he didn't pull through. At least I get to see him before he was gone.

Was blessed with a bunny girl just few days before my birthday. Thank God for such a gentle furkid. 

Now...i must emphasize..it is definitely not a loss replacement! Nobody/Nothing will ever replace the special place each pet has in my heart ok. There are times when I still subconsciously call out the different dearies name ok. They are all unique and important to me.

2) Travels

I managed to squeeze 2 trip in this month. I really really enjoyed myself to the max. Was sharing with my trio how congruent I was in the midst of my solo trip. Ah~ I missed that already.

It has indeed been a good rejuvenating trips so far. I wanted to reflect and make new decisions. Kinda need to rethink what is it that I really want.

3) Birthday

Well...I started the celebration since 1st day of the month. Somehow, I thank God for these group of like-minded people, who journey together in search of the life energy and becoming congruent.

Felt that I really made the right decision to be away intentionally on this special day of the year. I never liked birthday celebration, so for once..I chose to follow my desire to travel. Maybe I should consider doing so every year :)

feels happy hearing the affirmations ;)

shows that im truly learning and growing...of course this is only the start, not the end.

more to come. more to prepare for. jiayou~

Why do I feel so so so down?

It seems like a better option if I choose the way out.

Tried soooo hard to be myself and Q say im faking it...

So...which is real? Fake is real or Real is real?

Maybe I end up hurting people instead of protecting them..

Grand-uncle passed away last mon.

It was a sudden yet kind of expected news, given that they have signed DNR...

So the whole week was spent at the wake...

I believe his greatest regret would be not having his youngest son to send him off..

Everybody tells me that he has long disowned the son..but who really can say that he did not yearn to see the son coming back?

Though he was my grand-uncle, i always remember from young that my dad had verbally agreed to let me be his god-daughter (tho it doesn't make sense)...and so I have my part to play in the wake.

I may have participated in the final ritual, but i know that's because it is my way of having a closure.

I know what I believe in and will stood my ground in that.

so it's really revolving around the theme of F...

had a talk with P - at the end of the day,  I still cant find myself walking away and not do anything.

what a dilemma.

what's my stand?!

conviction vs belief

it has been a full 4 months of misery, negativity and self-inflicted pain...

it's really not worth it to do what i thought all along was the right way.

pleasing others at my own expense, till the point that i hated every single moment of myself.

why should i?!

was thinking alot during these 4 months...

so...i decided to be selfish to myself.

i guess it's time to live for myself.

at least i feel liberated for once.

Is it really worth it?

Giving up all my friendships for what somebody has said..

Rejecting everybody ends up hurting not just them, but myself too.

Maybe...maybe I've already decided..

All for the sake of lowering the hurts inflicted on others to the lowest...

Does it really not matter that I ended up being the most wounded one?

Till the day I find my answer~

i still cant get out of my "complicated" thinking

"to be or not to be"

"to stay or to leave"

"to say or not to say"

"to keep or not to keep"

not wanting to make any decisions because either way, someone is bound to be affected

why is it that at the end of the day..i still want to put others before myself.

where's ME in this process?

is it still worth it...?
---
a thought that came flashing through my mind..

if everybody is unique and called to fulfill different purposes, like stars, circles, squares, octagons etc... why force a star to behave like a square?!

thk u for being my "bug fren"

---

i guess...i finally said it out.

officially back into tt dark gloomy corner...

u may say it is an inner vow (again) but yeah..

never anymore.

---

it's just so...tiring.

major spring-cleaning done!

in the same way, there has always been a particular corner that i would not allow myself to do more

there's always a corner in the house that is being locked up, hidden away and covered in cobwebs...

it would be a drag to want to clean up that corner..

excuses after excuses one would come up with, just to give that corner a miss..

maybe out of protection..maybe out of laziness..maybe maybe...

i guess im at the crossroad again.

wanting to clean up that corner in my heart...

needing the courage that only U can give me...

---

am i really running out of time? 

seriously the pain scares me at times...

"人生要经历风雨；才能窥见彩虹的美丽
要经历过挫折；才会认识自身的不足
要经历过失去；才会懂得珍惜现在所拥有的
要经历过痛苦；才会明白幸福多么不容易
在经历中成长；在平凡中寻找快乐"
---
the SR side is screaming loudly..
"i told you..nobody can be trusted"
"see lah...you allowed others to hurt you once more"
"come on...they will never ever understand you"
"it's not worth it"
"since they say so, why bother explaining?"
"just drop everything and leave"

yet the SELF is whispering...
"trust God for He understands it all"
"press on even when it's tough"
---
it wasn't easy to knock down a brick off that wall...
it wasn't easy to want to look up from that darkness..
it wasn't easy to dare to lift the leg out of that doorstep...
yet...just a word, just an emotion, just a reaction...
is enough to make one run all the way back into that place of comfort.

What is then considered the right way?

Ouch!

"What doesnt kill me makes me stronger"

Am I back in the valley?!

Sometimes I dont understand myself...

I get affected by how others think/feel...

Im also saying/doing things to upset others...

Part and parcel of the process self-inflicting pain?

Dilemma moment

My heart 'skipped' a beat when i click the email...

Thought it was the outcome but is only an acknowledgement...

Gonna stay "panicky" for 2 more weeks. *keeping fingers crossed*

---

In the midst of finding rest, it's also time to prep for next mod.

Can i be greedy and keep all options open?

Dilemma...

Whichever option i choose, seems like everything's gonna start soon.

Will i be able to handle so much, knowing that there's also new projects coming up?

Is it too late already?

Have I missed the opportunity to be standing in the gap?

Familiar regret and pain...

Pain vs Practice

Having stopped for a year and now the pain is  back...

:(

Felt the sudden urge to explore M's understanding of the condition...

So it seems like M do not have the full picture either...

The kind of pain/misery/questions/uncertainty/fear that nobody except the traumatised one will experience....

Image of a stand-alone island :(

I knew i had to say it but it certainly was not easy.

still i managed to do it eventually

:):):)

Confused by all the med terms...

Somehow I can never understand my health...

Since I cant change the fact, I might as well do the best within my means.
---
After such a long time, A is clearly still affected by the whole incident...

So am I isnt it?

Im glad our friendship is not soured becoz of what has happened.

Genuine friendship is hard to find but eternal to last :)

Fs   Angry Sad Disappointed Helpless
P     He is doing it again
       I cannot trust D
Exp I want D to stop the habit
       D wants to continue his way
Y     Control Trust Respect
Self Bl

Why do I have to go through this again?

Was away for 5D4N camp when haze hit home...

Im sure He is aware of my needs, coz haze went away the day we were back;)

A family friend reminded me of tt fateful event.

Brings back lots of memories and emotions indeed.

Cant sleep even tho my head is spinning...

Lungs felt like bursting:(

Many r telling me not to go for the camp...

But i know i need and i have to be there...for many reasons...

somehow i feel tt i need to bring the crutch along just in case...
---
Fear oh fear...

u r gripping me so tightly tt tears just keep rolling down uncontrollably...

I dont like it.
---
Reflecting on a conversation...

If He made us unique individuals, then why r others trying to force their ideas down our throat?

If He gives us different giftings and talents, then why r others not allowing us to use what we r given for His work?

i dont understand why.

It's not the first time my friendships are being "questioned" or "objected" or "disapproved"...but im glad we didnt give up.

So when i know someone facing same situation as me, i get upset. Because these "others" do not understand the kind of "hurts" and "pain" they are eventually inflicting on the person.

Fs           Irritated,

Fs abt fs Helplessness, Angry

P            I have no say
              I am just another "tool"
              T is just doing her job
              T just don't get it
              It's pointless, don't have to say more

Exp        I want to have a proper closure
              I want T to be clearer in her instructions
              T just want me to get it over and done with

Y           Understanding, Control, Respect

Self - SR, Pl

Msg to self: I can only do the best that I can, irregardless of whether T is willing to hear it. Time to move on and focus on present.

wonders why a simple matter can escalate to such extent.

wonders whether it will come to a pt where ive to give up on the friendship (again)

i dont like the role im playing now.

cant we just stay simple?

so this is how experiential is for me :)

thankful for my trio...

learning to be vulnerable once again...

maybe it's time for me to really learn to live alone

i dont know how to forgive anymore

Spent an awesome 2 weeks in canada.

Class has started formally..

Wow...how intense it was..

Im looking forward to new growth ;)

Maybe tt's y i nv want to be emotionally attached in any form of relationship..

just when i decide to allow someone into tt secret of mine, things change immediately...

Of coz...on the other side, i know the significance of these few trusted relationships..

Just saw her on Friday and today she's gone.

In the same way, treasure every little things in life. 

Don't take life for granted

i hate the days when i'm in pain for no reasons...

it's frustrating when no test results can determine the cause...

and when nobody understands me...

Fs: Shock, Anxious, Worried

Fs abt fs: Fear

P: I am responsible

    D needs me

    What did D do to come to this

    B is not dependable

    It's the responsibility of a child

E: I must take up my role

    I want to know what is D's plan

    D wants me to know what is going on

Y: Control, Understanding, Responsibility, Assurance, Certainty

Self: Disconnected - SR, Bl

Simply put... Commitment...again~

What a start to a year..

First catholic church wedding, first "choir" singing...

Never knew tt i wld be tt "spontaneous"...

Maybe...maybe....maybe impossibility can really be possibility in the days to come...

Welcome 2013, Goodbye 2012

I only have 1 new year resolution - simply to have good health.

- physical:
I may not be in the pink of health all the time, but i really treasure those moments of "pain-free" days. Help me not to take my body for granted again.
- emotional:
More zen, more congruent in the self. Less of impatience, insensitive outburst.
- spiritual:
Though i am not personally keen to step out of my comfort zone, but i know there are things that i need to work it out. Less of me, More of Him in my life.

In this year of possibility, let me continue to strive and press in to see what lies ahead for me. :)

yet another event completed.

many thoughts....

is this worth it? am i on the right track? will i do it differently?

if this is what enlarge, extend my territory means. help me to trust u that i am walking in your plan.

If this is not what u intended, then knock some sense into me.
----
Strangely it feels very unfamiliar to me.again.

有求于人就是这种感觉吧？
好委屈。。。好想哭。。。
一种说不出，不知要如何形容的感觉。。。
想起7年前也是这种感觉。。。
当时的我打从心里发誓---再也不要相信/靠别人了，还是靠自己比较好。
如今，我不希望再次筑起心中的那道保护墙。
神啊，赐我力量，让我能继续依靠您、相信您！

have not been practising my ukulele for the longest time ever..

pain pain go away~

Finally went to do my blood test...

Although I'm hoping that it's not the worse outcome, I am not denying that there's a possibility for the worse..

Maybe I am worrying too much..

But the thought of it is certainly overwhelming...

what if one day i can no longer hold a thing in my palm, when it hurts to even hold a pen?
what if one day i lose the ability to walk with my feets, when i could feel the pain with each step?
what if one day i cannot live as normally as i would like to be, and once again i'll become my parents' burden?

Deep down in me, there's already this uncertainty that i may collapse and leave just like that...

And now, I am going through this pain which is like a louder reminder to me that life is fragile and i am getting weaker.
---
I cannot control the outcome..but I can choose to embrace my pain and treasure every single moment..

现在的我，只想自私的对自己好一点。。。

finally made the decision...


u say u r disappointed in me because i reacted...

then what am i supposed to do?


if i hadnt reached a pt where im on the verge of breaking, i know i wouldnt have said it out.

感觉好辛苦!
----
why am i spitting out blood nowadays?!

最近身体出现了好多问题。。。Haix :(

Trying very hard not to let fear set in...

- not knowing the cause can be scary because we tend to think of the worse...then again..what can be worse when I was already born with pre-existing condition right?

Kind of decided not to let the pain affect my life...

- even if I got to live with the pain, I can learn to get used to the pain and not let the pain become an excuse...

---

face the world with a smile and be me

it's drawing closer to the day of the year where i hate the most...

i need to learn...

好难受的感觉。。。
一向来讨厌被冤枉的我觉得这一切都好不值得。。。
算了吧，就当作是我的错。。。

多年不见，想不到我们的默契还在；仍然能够互话不谈。。。
谢谢你对我的信任，把那心中的秘密告诉了我。

虽然知道你们都各自开始了另一段关系，有种说不出的感觉。。。
就好象。。。难免会让我去思考现在的你们真的比较开心吗？

虽然你还是一副无所谓的样子，我相信过去几年不好过吧？
因为从你的笑声和肢体语言中，还是看得出一点点的无奈。。。
好希望是我猜错了。

有好多好多的想法，但却不方便发问，因为我选择要尊重你的决定。

希望我们会是永远的朋友！

RAHHHHHHHHHH!

Irritated to the max. period.

if all along it was an agony for u..why have me in the first place?

a thousand times i asked myself, a thousand times i hated myself.

maybe things would not come to this state if i had stick to my decision back then.

if i could do anything to please u, i know i will, but have u ever taken notice?

angry angry angry!

parents accused me for blaming J but hello..truth revealed tt im not wrong at all.

rahhhhhhhhhh :(

all im asking in a friendship is honesty...is that too much to ask for?
--
the tinge of pain is yet another day of reminder that there's a thorn in me
---
I'm not the man I want to be, if I could rewrite history
I'd take away this fleshly thorn and be reborn
I guess I'm in good company, there was a guy named Paul you see
A much far greater man than me, he suffered too
Oh please take this thorn away, if even just for one whole day
I promise I'll be good I pray, for just one day
But life goes on day after day, it seems this thorn is here to stay
My hope is gone like yesterday, oh woe is me
And then one day I see the light, not in color but black and white
The thorn's still there but I don't care, not quite as much
For each day brings with it a choice, to feel sorry or just rejoice
His grace is sufficient for me, and now I'm free
If I should die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take
Straight up to those pearly gates, up yonder
I'm not the man I used to be, I now accept my humanity
Not as afraid of this fleshly thorn, I've been reborn

Went to H's father's funeral wake..

If I could feel impacted by her father's death, let alone the impact on her?

Maybe it's occupational hazard coz I start wondering how are they going to cope and manage now that the sole breadwinner is no longer around...

---

H was -_-''' when she realised that my grandma passed away 2 yrs ago and I didnt informed her of the funeral...

oops! I guessed it was because i wanted to be left alone at that point in time..

---

heard from H about how it happened...

makes me start reflecting about myself..becoz i could easily be in that same place...

A is doing exactly what L did previously..

I guessed this is disturbing for me...

I was not feeling so bad earlier on, at least not until I heard from O about what A told O...

I am REALLY disappointed.. like seriously..

If u really care, why are u saying all these things to hurt people who are supposedly close to ur heart?

---

this trial of trust will lead me to either healing or destruction?

Event: Heard another decision.

Fs: Disappointed. Sad.

Fs abt fs: Helplessness. Angry.

P: I am betrayed. Q failed me, This world is unsafe. There is nobody that I can trust.

Exp: I want to know why. Q want me to understand.

Y: Accountability. Hope. Control. Faith. Love. Understanding.

Self: Disconnected - SR.

Event: Heard abt the decision.

Fs: Surprised. Disappointed

Fs abt fs: Helplessness.

P: It's not within my control. K is struggling. Everyone has a moment of wanting to escape.

Exp: All the more I need to hang on. They will not follow after K. K should not behave in this way. They want me to do something about this.

Y: Responsibility. Control. Hope. Faith. Accountability.

Self: Disconnected - P.
----
No more excuses.period.

to you:

it's been 2 years...

everything seems to be replaying in my head each time i thought of you...

and it hurts so badly...

i know a part of me still holds on to the different aspects of unforgiveness...

i cant forgive those who should be there but gave many excuses not to be there because it's troublesome...

i cant forgive those who didnt do enough but blame others for not doing enough...

most importantly, i cant forgive myself...simply because it's me.
---
i missed every single moment spent with you..


even if i get another chance to choose again, i know i will still choose to be by your side...

many things tt set me thinking...

- dental visit made me realised how cautious i was regarding my health...as much as the jabs were a pain, nth greater than my fear of relapse.. i still find it hard to explain to ppl abt my condition, maybe coz im also equally confused...

- a friend told me that commitment is tough when it's not sth tt is of interest.. does that mean that commitment is easy when we are passionate? does that mean that commitment = only doing things that we like?

there's more on the list of discouragement but i shall not mention here..

it will always be a reminder that i have this kind of "vibes/attractions"

not the kind of helplessness "i can't do it"

not the "i know it all" mentality

but i guessed it's more of curiosity..

a friend told me that it's seasonal which i do agree..

i supposed it's a reminder that it's another season again...

Familiar dialects Familiar faces

Just a warm feeling all of a sudden...

And this left me with flashbacks of memories...

A risk I'm taking..

A test of integrity..

Dejavu feeling of history repeating itself...

Make or Break?

I dun like the idea of being competitive..

I hate it even more when I felt threatened by people around me who tried to compete with me...

Maybe I'm thinking too much but things just get reinforced the way I sees it...
---
I guessed I know where this SR part of me comes about...

and the fact that it's concealing the P part of me...

Realising that I might still be holding on to the past is scary...

Yet my greatest fear is that I might lose U along the way...

Went down to visit L with much anxiety..

At that very moment when L so called "fainted", i can no longer hold my tears..

The thought that I had was "Don't do this to me!"

I'm reminded of my grandma...

Fear that I will witness the passing on...

Fear that I will lose this dear friend...
---
today i realised one of my extended family member is also in the same block...

Yesterday when I went to visit C, i was at loss...C lost her hearing and her sights r affected too..

Today i was glad to hear from the team-mates that they are helping C...

whatever that is being done now is an attempt to prolong life...

Topic of death..important but still it will instil fear in people..

although C has come to terms with her condition, her family is not ready to say goodbye to her..

i hate goodbyes like this..but i know it's important for both the living and the dying...

i think death itself is not scary..it's the process of dying that is scary..

to me, i think hearing deterioriation in C's condition each day pains me...

i fear the day when C no longer recognises us...

Pretty helpless aint we?
---
i think it triggers the other losses in my life..and it really hurts.

it broke my heart when news about the earthquake and tsunami in Japan were out...

there was a prediction that there will be a major disaster coming up either Mar 19 or May 21...

how do you define a friend?
---
off to pack my bag for tml's stayover~

Preoccupied with thoughts...

Work+Study=??

120703 was the day i met U and I knew U wld be my BFF when I set my sight on U

U were adorable in Ur own ways...
- Innocent look on that smirky arrogant face
- The tilted ? look on Ur face
- Scratching the door to signal that U need to get in/out of the room
- Jumping around me whenever I get home
- Running around and barking madly at me after Ur bath to show Ur displeasure

Uniquely U I wld say...
- Never allowing anyone who comes into the house to get out without Ur permission
- Behaving jealously whenever U see me carrying other dogs or small children
- Guarding against whoever is holding anything that belongs to the house, so much so that the person can only sit and stay seated
- Fighting with Dad whenever U get the opportunity to do so in my presence
- Chasing after me whenever we go for late night walks as though we're playing hide-and-seek
- Best hunting dog that never fail to help Dad track down his jumping fishes that went missing from the fish tank
- Taking a nap besides me on the cosy bed and start groaning when I move a little
- Groaning when I stroke U while U were eating Ur kibbles
- U wld only allow me to stroke U for a few minutes before U scurry off to munch on Ur kibbles
- My ever dearest soul-mate who is so sensitive to my feelings, parking Urself next to me whenever I'm down

For 7 years and 6 months, U changed from a brownish black with blue tan to a greyish white with pink tan..

So much that I could pen down about U but no words could describe the warm feelings I have towards U

U seems to know that today will be the day when U whined and teared the moment I stroked U...

210111 is the day when I said bye to U for the very last time
---
It suddenly struck me that i will never be able to call Ur name again as I stepped into the house

and yes I dread the idea of coming home now

I know no other one can ever replace U in my heart..even if it has exact same look or temperament as U..

U will always be the one and only beloved Dino in my heart

Life is so so so fragile..

Just like the recent news about this person who is cleared of cancer but was crushed to death by someone else who jumped off the building...

When news of L's relapse came suddenly, it reinforces the fact even more..
---------
Heard some updates about my classic girl...

Seems like she isn't coping in the new environment either..

Though I wished tt I could bump into her one day but certainly I don't wish to see her in tt state of life...
---------
D is getting skinnier each day...

I can literally see his skeleton as he lies on his side...

my heart is heavy-laden when i heard the news...

somehow reminds me of ah yi..

similar plight tho im hoping for different outcome..

told mum abt it but i think i ended up triggering her...

i think mum still hold on to the regrets..

bestie finally gave birth le! :):):)

few more days of hard work before the start of my rest...

but there's a pile of things to settle...

realised there's many distractions along the way....

time to really decide what is my priority again...

guess what?!

I lost grandma's bp set few weeks back..it's my greatest fear of losing yet it still happened.. =(

pretty much nth I can do but to wait and hope tt one day it is going to appear again...(tho I wanted it badly)

sun was grandma's 1st death anniversary and this coming wed is grandma's birthday...what an irony huh?

i feel quite bad coz i couldnt even keep grandma's belonging properly..i duno how wld uncle reprimand me if he comes to know abt it...sigh!
---
it's time like this that i'm allowing myself to grieve...

i kind of feel out of place...

it has been long since i last felt so...

though it started off as mine but im glad i took a step back...

for i know im not indispensable and I need to learn to let go...

it has been an awesome trip..

loving the experience living like a local..

counting my blessing each day...

what makes me smile was the fact tt the boy remembers me and hearing abt the progress he made all these yrs...
---
now it's back to the groove of work

Leaving in a few hours time..

Finally done with packing~

Was supposed to run some workshops during my stay but now it's been postponed for better in-depth preparation..

So YES I'm going back again for sure (hahaha even before I left I already planned my next trip)

I'm really excited to all that I will be experiencing..

I know U have the best plan for me =]

So I decided to embark on this solo journey coz I know I'm not really alone

Crossed the 3rd year mark :)

Many changes have come along the way..

But that is not going to pull me down..
----
I look at your smiling face
You're so weak and yet you have such strength
You take a glance around this place
And you make the best of everything

You give me hope in spite of everything
You show me love even with so much pain
So i'll take this life and live like i was given another try

We laugh, we cry
Sometimes we're broken and we don't know why
And i'm tired and i lose my way
You help me find faith ooooh

You give me hope in spite of everything
You show me love even with so much pain
So i'll take this life and live like i was given another try
Just give me another try

I was thinking about you and I'm glad I stumbled upon this...


You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you
But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways
The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know
But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same
Cause I'm still here so far away from home

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

In Christ, there are no goodbye
And in Christ, there is no end
So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have
To see you again
To see you again

And I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

I've never been more homesick than now

it's been a while since i last blogged..

ukulele - completed my classes..looking forward to the jamming sessions~

work - embracing all the changes

personal - counting down to my lala~land.. (:

looking forward to what i can learn from the event..

yet im worried that i might get triggered in some ways...
---
counting down each day=)

why do people like to assume that busy = putting up a front = emotionally not ok?
---
still thnking if i shld make my way up north in the near future..

if it's an open door, may i get cheap promotion tickets soon!

was really taken aback when i realised tt the idol at home was gone

i duno why but i think dad threw it away in a fit of anger?

mum claimed tt she duno why..

perhaps got to do with my temperament coz we were having a cold war over many matters
---
tough but only choice = forgive!
---
past few month had been really tough in some ways..

it dawned upon me why it has been emotionally challenging to a certain extent..

the fact that im still grieving...not just 1 loss but multiple losses..

losses that seems to be happening in the month of September since 2 years ago...

love-hate September i would say :( and it's certainly hard to explain to anyone...

mixed feelings..

tho there were things tt were discouraging (in some ways) over the past few months, there were also things that brightens my day...

im so proud of my boy =)

a sweet and thoughtful young chap who is mature for his age..one whom everybody sings praises of.. =D

thks for the encouragement...i will continue to press on!!

the day finally came..

things seems to have taken a turn (but not quite)..

i know the direction im heading towards...

got to buck up for the next 3 years...
---
recently i realised tt my grief is still affecting me...

got to do sth abt it!

上完课了，是时候从“心”出发了。

由衷地感谢老师们，打从心里做了个决定：算是对自己和对老师们的一个承诺吧。。

期盼下一次的见面，也希望我会继续进化下去！

whole sense of uneasiness/palpitations

i dont know what went wrong but im not being myself at all...

it's hard to explain becoz nobody else wld ever understand

M shared how she used tree of life during her mission trip..

im amazed at how she could come up with the short drama to link the psycho-social-spiritual aspect..
---
*for the credit of their effort, i will just list the outcome:)

what kind of tree r u?
1) growing strong and healthy tree that devil has no interest in attacking
2) growing tree that was injured by the devil without even putting up a fight
3) growing tree that struggled and put up a fight with the devil but gave up halfway
4) growing tree that put up a strong fight and both tree and devil were injured and devil gave up

i could feel my defenses acting up..

implications = what's next?

mixed feelings

i like the personal retreat idea...

maybe i will do tt again..

regret not extending my stay..so tt i can really be alone and think through the different things..

too many distractions...
---
it's actually interesting to be watching clouds at night... but of coz before the downpour..
---

i know it's not a moment of pique tat i have this thought within me


ive tried again and again but still it failed


i really want to get out of this..can i just leave?

it's certainly hard to swallow..

our chew of the day: learn to accept and embrace humility.

because truth will come to light one day:)
---
Ps91:11-12

meaning-making
----
When setbacks and failures, and upset plans,
Test my faith and leave me with empty hands,
Are you not the closest when it's hardest to stand?
I know that you will finish what you began.

Overwhelmed by the thought of my weakness,
And the fear that I'll fail you in the end,
In this mess, I'm just one of the pieces,
I can't put this together but you can.

is there a 2nd chance?

super duper sian-ed...

what went wrong?
---
thks for trying so hard..ur concern is really appreciated deeply! :)

r we still friends?

many changes...for good or for bad?!

1) wanted to get out but reminder was to stay on...

2) dental reminds me of grandma and the classic joke..

3) love-hate the different crisis..reminds me of tt 7 hrs struggle...

4) starting to miss cambodia again...

had a traumatising root canal treatment yest...

the best part is i have go back and complete the root canal treatment in 2 weeks time.. oh man!

excruciating pain...sigh!
---
self-sacrificial acts...

back from 5D4N camp..

this week gone by just like that...
---
back to my world, back to facing the music

July will be the defining moment...

Overwhelming..

It is not within my control and I can only wait and see what's next to come
----
i wished to be left alone..REALLY alone.
----
My heart is so proud
My mind is so unfocused
I see the things U do through me as greats things I have done
And now U gently break me
Then lovingly U take me
And hold me as my Father
And mold me as my Maker


I ask U "How many times will U pick me up,
When I keep on letting U down?
And each time I will fall short of Ur glory,
How far will forgiveness abound?"


And U answer "My child, I love U.
And as long as U're seeking My face,
U'll walk in the power of My daily-sufficient grace"


At times I may grow weak
And feel a bit discouraged
Knowing that someone, somewhere
Could do a better job
For who am I to serve U?
I know I don't deserve U
And that's the part that burns in my heart
And keeps me hanging on


U r so patient with me, Lord


As I walk with U
I'm learning what Ur grace really means
The price that I could never pay was paid at Calvary
So, instead of trying to repay U
I'm learning to simply obey U
By giving up my life to U
For all that U've given to me

things doesnt seems to go the way i want..

im starting to doubt =(
---
i want to get out

ive made my decision..

i hope i will not regret..

nv drive when parents are sitting next to u..it's rather annoying!

but i love the spins~
----
another kawan's wedding is round the corner!
---
1 week to make a decision.. =(

and it's certainly gg to be very humbling in nature...

what is mothers' day without grandma?
---
i think my energy level is kind of low today to the extent tt everybody tot im not ok...

7 good days in HK..

the need to dis-orientate myself again

it stuck me recently becoz of several incidents...

too many ppl are trying to get out...

is it too much to ask of their comfort zones or r they really tt busy tt they cant commit?

commitment...a big word tt generally ppl today cannot accept...

H: will u leave too?
me: hmmm...at least not now.

---> i wont leave when u r down and gg thru tough times, but i may choose to take a step back when u r up and soaring..
---
there's always a time for everything..time to be up and time to be down...

mixed feelings~
...air tix and lodging is booked..how efficient!
...in the midst of planning the itinerary
...my wish is coming true :)
...it's a long awaited break =D

what would you be like if you know that your life is like a ticking time bomb?

would you give life your best or would you give your best to life?
---
this make alot more sense when even breathing becomes a chore..

nobody would ever understand the pain that each individual have to endure..

i had a dream 2-3 days ago...i dreamt of grandma (1st time for the last 4 months)

during the outsider-witness practice, i knew i would be triggered and it did..

telling and re-telling process struck me that i really misses her and the times spent together..it has and will always be a concern for me..

tree of life reminded me as who i am indeed...
---
amazing process of growth :)

for the month of March, change is a constant..

too many things that ive been holding..it's time to take a break..

finally met up with the gang...

我的翅膀没有长硬！LOL! im still the same old me...

it's funny how they appear to be "proaching" me...and kept urging me to pursue my studies..

im really amazed tt they still rem where i stay even tho they have nv been to my place...

i think what she say is so true..

it's because i know her before she assume her current position, tt's precisely why we can be pally with each other...

time is never enough..esp with pressing deadlines to meet yet full of backlogs to clear..

what shld i do? =(

seems as if ive seen tt coming long ago...

how long more can i hold on to it?
---
will i?

is this fear uncalled for?

just felt like writing sth..

my bronchitis is almost driving me crazy coz of the fear of relapse in other complications (tho it's less likely to be the case)

but ur assurance put me at ease somehow..so im gg to try believing again..
----
i know it was for me :)
----
3 weeks more to go but im not as prepared as last yr (not tt i was very prepared back then)

everything is just out-of-sync at the moment...

i dont know why too..
----
there's a urge to go travelling..where's my sponsors??

i dont like it when i have to change my plans at the last min...

the firework started the moment we sat down..

what a good timing and nice spot we had..haha...
----
it was a pleasant surprise bumping into Qman and couple..haha...
---
1 more month to go!

it's the 1st new year without grandma..

my energy level is kind of low today..
----
im getting annoyed having to keep explaining why i cant go for any visitations...

im getting irritated having to repeat myself to every single person who ask me out during this week...

im just tired..
---
i cant wait to go back to Malaysia with parents...

im pleased with my recent training (compared to the previous one).. =)

i know it's not by my own strength..
----
i dont know how to describe but i think all of us got to be careful with what we say and do...

i knew what was going on when u intentionally brought it up...

thanks for not revealing the details...
---
u know what..expectations weigh a ton..

2 years is all i have from now..

a couple of friends' grandparents passed away before/after grandma's..

it really set me thinking..

today i went to another one..

through our conversation, i realised tt ive moved to "acceptance" stage.. =)

3 weeks alr but it felt like yesterday...

hello! i dont care! why can't they understand?!  =(

grandma has given me the green light lor..  that's a fact what..
---
im getting tired of all these nonsense..

attended ChildAid 2009 concert @ Resort World Sentosa

impressive performance that was being put up..

it's kinda stressful when we had to make our way past the staffs who lined themselves all the way from the lobby to the shuttle bus boarding point and they start cheering and clappiung once we walked past

it's already the 2nd week..

im reminded of what has happened every week of this day..
---
it's the time of the week where my energy is allowed to be its lowest point..
---
yesterday's emcee-ing turned out well despite the several hiccups..

and i enjoyed the company alot..esp with my youngest best friend who never fail to give me face..=p

normal vs abnormal grief

need to check my own grieving process soon..
---
i need a getaway badly!

i cant deny the fact that i was the only one who was by her death bed, the one who saw her passing on taking place..

i cant help but ask myself why i didnt talk to her more on thurs morning when i last bid her farewell...

i still rem the last thing she told me was "i kept calling your name because i missed you"

and now..nobody will ever call me the way she does anymore..
---
i thought i would but i did not shed a single tear. i dont know why.

have i changed for the better or for the worse?
---
really appreciate those who faithfully prepare and insist that i take the home-cooked soup...

im so gonna miss them when im out of office next week... -_-''' (i guessed it's part of their plot! hahaha =p)
---
during this period of time, i think it's really apparent to me that i got to look at my own mandala..

i should be finding some time to really sit down and reflect upon it...

dormant = temporarily in abeyance yet capable of being activated

so is the case for me.

but i doubt anyone can understand..
----
when i heard the intent behind the plan..i was super sian-ed..
----
how about screaming my lungs out?

4 days of invaluable learning with J.B...

again i had a better insight to myself...
---

if you already know the obvious..why do you want to ask me?

---

out-of-sync

i told dad at 8.30pm that im heading back to office to do my assignment..

i called him at 10.30pm only to realised that he was long waiting outside my office...

i appreciate my dad for being so sweet at times =)

i was really sian-ed when the time-bomb came along...expected yet it still never fails to shock me...

it's a learning process and im thankful that i survived (:

2 more to go -_-'''
----
to you:

i know you emphasize that you werent avoiding or giving excuses and you will not be like them..

yet you are doing the same thing..

what's the point?!

trying to rush out the assignment...

the price for procrastinating...

grandma never fail to give surprises..

i feel like im a tightrope walker thar is trying very very hard to maintain the balance..

not wanting to take side but inevitably that has been the case...

precisely because of the things you have done and words you have said..
----
i missed the days when all of us had to burn midnight oil together...

i missed her glutinous rice kueh, fish balls, yong tau foo, rice dumplings and the list go on and on..
---
it has been a long long journey..

many things have been happening along the way..

there's so much in my mind but i don't know how to pen it down...
------
祷告，因为我渺小
祷告，因为我知道我需要
明瞭，你心意对我重要

祷告 已假装不了
祷告 因为你的爱我需要
你关怀 我走过的你都明白

有些事我只想对你说 因你比任何人都爱我
痛苦从眼中流下 我知道你为我擦
在早晨我也要来对你说 主耶稣今天我为你活
所需要的力量你天天赐给我 你恩典够我用

come to think abt it, grandma has been hospitalised for almost a month...

saw how her condition kept going up and down..

until the point when she decided to give up totally..i wont forget what she told me...

the tears were rolling really hard in the eyes...yet i got to be strong..
---
asked for a last chance and was really given the chance...
---
today the family informed that doctor agreed to let her come home..

the co-workers were concerned and i know they were trying to prepare me..
---
if it's another test of faith, im really losing it...

had some random talk with dad the other day..

and so i realised tt the late great-grandpa (whom ive nv met before) dotes on dad while my most beloved late great-grandma dotes on me alot..

dad has no answer for it when i asked him why..LOL..-_-'''
---
each story on its own hold some crucial information..

when pieced together, i can catch a glimpse to the big painted picture of the past...
---
ive made a decision tt i know 5 yrs ago i wouldnt make for the same situation...

i struggled with it but i know i have to...

i can only say tt i need to walk through this alone on my own, else i will always be stuck in the things of the past..

heard alot of stories of the past from the different aunties...

they have been carrying all the grievances, hatred, negativity with them for the past 30 yrs...

woah...how tiring it must be for them!
-----
im feeling sick

i feel like im reliving the past...

again grandma is admitted to hospital..

again chaos is setting in..

this is just the start...and im tired...

but i still have to go on..

it has been an eventful week..

1) why am i always clearing some sort of a mess??

alright i know i cant bear to look at the mess and not do sth abt it..

it was a good break for me too..

2) stayed up the whole night to do some work..

and waited for a call tt i know will not come.. (foolish right? esp since S and R did the same thing to me too...)

i guessed i was still searching for a closure..

3) argued with G over this issue on listening..

conclusion: im bad with listening and suck at analysing skills..so im in the wrong profession?

but i still dont see why we cant agree to disagree..

you based your assumptions/presumptions solely on things you see and you dont give others a chance to explain/justify their stands..

but hey..there's always 2 sides to a coin.. (if you haven realised..)

every individual is unique in their experiences too...

and my job is to journey with people, not insist on convincing people. period.

4) all of a sudden, i realised how persistant i can be..

i insisted on waiting for A who did not turn up..

my peers had to insist on dragging me out of office so tt i would give up..

and tt reminder seems to fall on deaf ear the min i saw A..

i guessed i was too stubborn..and it applies to all other aspects too...

5) met a parent today..

listening to her story and how she make meaning out of it...

for them, it's a constant battle...

what can be worse?

always be thankful..

met up with an acquaintance that i have not kept in contact since 3-4 yrs ago..

according to him, my personality has changed (despite my fav phrase - i dont know)..haha. -_-'''

not bad leh..now he has a car alr..haha..tho he's still bad with his direction..tsk tsk!
---
anw i feel broke!

im tired and somehow i dont seem to be myself lately..

i dont know why..

when memories start recollecting..one will have an insight to why things are the way it is..

it's always the same old things that is being emphasized on..
-----
yesterday went to send a friend off at the airport in the middle of the night..

no more of what we used to do together...

i really hate it when the tinge of pain start acting up..

"The bloom of a rose is beautiful, but the thorn of a rose produces only pain. Thorns hurt us yet they humble us. That is the blessing of thorns."

what's the thorns in my current situation teaching me at this point in time?

i think today was the first time i ever saw her crying..

the experience is different but i supposed the impact was similar because it triggered sth..

i supposed this is the so-called "channeling"?
---
learning of the day:
one can be ever-ready to provide support but that cannot come to pass unless the other one says it out.

another CI tt i cant reconcile with...

so what if i can see their needs?
---
all of a sudden, it's thrown back to me..

been doing quite a fair bit of checking-in..

reflecting upon the "crisis", the workshops, the appraisal etc..

i realised i have yet to adjust back..

and the withdrawal symptom is out again..hmm... (like in 2005?)
---
i think im ready to talk

saw a father teaching a little gal how to ride a bicycle...

it was interesting watching their interaction..

initially the father was holding on to the seat so that the gal is confident enough to try cycling..

then the father will slowly let go of the seat while continue praising and encouraging her..

the little gal will soon realised that her father is not holding on to her and she will stop..

then the sequence repeats again..

before you know it, the little gal is now able to cycle on happily..

---

many times we are also like that..

we thought we are alone and we start looking around to find the security to fall back on..

in people around us, in the things we pride ourselves for and etc..

we dont know when we're ready to move on...

yet we learn when we fall, when we go through difficult times, when we try again etc...

thank you for teaching me:)

i think i was rather ill-prepared...

many times i was caught by the qns...

and it's getting harder each week...jiayou to my partner!

glad tt it's finally over...well at least for my part..haha...

still im glad..coz a member opened up :)

im back from Cambodia.. :)

truly ive seen the beauty of angkor wat before me...

once again ive seen the simplicity of the locals..

ive experienced the local ways of living..

sad to say but there's so much more to Cambodia than what most people know..

frankly speaking it's not sth tt everybody can understand...
---
a sense of dejavu and it felt just like that dream..

i actually feel sad to be back in Singapore...

once again teach me how to adjust myself back..
---
sth ive learnt:

"u cant go anywhere unless u have a destination in mind"

ive travelled on smooth-sailing route...and on bumpy roads...have u?

ive travelled under the hot scorching sun...and in the stormy rain..have u?

ive travelled on a straight path...and on winding roads...have u?

ive travelled with tons of luggages...and learnt to travel light...have u?

ive travelled with a map in hand...and tried navigating my way without any...have u?

i have a destination..

it may not be clear now...i may even have to work towards it..

but at least i have one in mind...

have u found urs?

i know everybody is concerned abt how im doing and how it is affecting me..and it worries them because they dont know what is going on in me...and M said none of them is going to let me off so i better start thinking coz they will definitely come back to me..haha...

had a mini de-brief with M after she insist tt i still eat my lunch at 6.30pm (yes it's not a typo!) and when we were on the way home...
---
i saw a trust that was being built and broken, what was left lingering were merely the sense of betrayal and guilt and the doubt of making the right assessment..
---
everything just keep re-playing in my mind...

i just can't reconcile with everything...

and im thankful that everyone allowed me to have the spacing to myself...
---
the remark abt me suitable for CI-DW simply reminds me of that scary dream..i hope that doesnt come to pass..it's too much for me to bear....

it was like that for S and now the same for E...

i think im at my wits end alr...
-----
i wonder if i'll be able to sleep tonight...

spend the morning reading a book and yes im done reading the whole book(:

met stupid over lunch..

then went back office to play badminton with colleagues...

finally played the badminton game that was set like a year ago... (ps: ml, see my colleagues really book me 1 yr in advance..hahah!)

looking forward to tml's breakfast outing at Geylang..haha...

how can i help the people yet not lose myself in the process?

looks like everybody is bugging me every single day.... -_-'''
----
well..looks like many were more inspired to go Cambodia..not bad leh! =p

digging out the old photos as promised..

went to attend a friend's mum's wake on a sat night..

can see that my friend hasnt had time to allow the grief to sink in...prob coz it was too sudden...

it feels weird to see someone who is such a lamer and always up to nonsense to have to put up a strong front..

5 of us decided to just stay back and keep this friend company after everyone else has left..

we had a good time of "discussion"..haha..prob since all of us are in the field...

thus we only left in the early morning..

i hope the next time i see this friend, he would have picked himselfup again and not leave all the feelings and thoughts undealt with...
------
finally cycled to a friend's place in the night (while in the midst of packing..haha..)

hasnt really cycled for almost 2 yrs..haha.abit rusty and dangerous when i was cycling on the road..haha...

anw had a really good chat with this friend..haha...

oh and it was still a good sweating out session (despite still having my almost-healing allergy outburst!)
------
will be away for a 5D4N camp...

till then(:

yest woke up with allergic outburst on the face -_-'''

and to make things worst, i could hardly open my eyes...

so dragged myself to see dr koh..

meanie him! he asked me why im always so suay...

bugged him to give me jab and he threw in a few days of mc FOC -_-'''

anw it's a torture lah...

my parents were pretty upset and forbid me from stepping out of the house..

hopefully i can recover soon..
---
i need my contact lens to survive through the week...

happened to talk about working with youths..

what i learnt about brain development:your brain is not fully developed until you reach 25 ok? HAHA..

so i became the target lor..im considered emo..hahaha....

and duno how..my supposedly best friend say she is gg to try to engage me as a youth -_-'''
----
my turn to do some sharing teaching..

didnt know how to to go about it becoz of the experiential nature and was reminded of the sensitivity issues...discussed and decided on using the most less threatening activity...

really appreciate the fact that everyone was really cooperative..and it turned out well... (:

im glad tt it's a good discussion..hehe...

i hope everyone gained some insight to their own coping.. =p

supposedly meeting the 3 ladies for lunch but turned out to be a big group..

sharing with a dear sis who mia-ed for 5 months..haha..
---
felt like screaming my lungs out!

tt is sth i wana do..but i cant...

anw it's not the first time..hais...
---
lazed at N's place together with a few others..
---
she reminded me once again about visiting Cambodia..

not that ive forgotten about it..in fact it has never come to pass due to objections from various people/unforeseen circumstances etc..overtime, i think my heart is hardened and ive given up on trying..i become skeptical becoz i feel that people around me can never understand how i feel because of different purposes/desires/ideals each of us have in life..

strangely..i felt a tinge of sadness..

BB shared with us about his journey in this field..

from policy to ground work to corporate to studying to starting own practice to teaching to being a mentor...from one man show to leading people into walking with him...it's just so interesting to hear him talk about his experiences...

recalled the 1st time i met BB was in 2006 when i had to wake up in the wee morning to prepare myself to travel down to Boon Lay and to attend his training...it's like how fortunate to as a student to get free supervision..

and now hearing BB from a different perspective..is so wow...looking at today's sharing..i think only the sw-ers were excited and attentive in BB's sharing..the rest were like daydreaming or busy eating..haha.....prob coz most of the time they dont understand what he meant since they arent familiar with the terms he used or the people he mentioned...
------
happened to watch the show hosted by mark lee today..mi and bro had a good laugh and dad thought we gone mad..haha...

i recalled the time when i first started learning thai and khmer lang...and so i was looking for the uploaded clips taken during uni times..haha...and i stumbled upon the 3211 video (which i clean forgotten tt it was uploaded by me and still around!)...hahaha...anw it was done for our sw ppt...and i rem i got A for this...lol...hilarious yet traumatising yet filled with learning experiences.. (:

fri:
went back to work...

out of nowhere everyone was keen to drive out for lunch -_-'''

and so we went...what a bad example P was in terms of driving...haha...

but it was indeed a good lunch outing..haha...

i supposed they are more keen to drive out now...
-----
one parent baked a cake for us to try...chendol cake..looks really good ok...

she always prepare some really good food for us..haha...

everyone said it's really good and not those really sweet kind...arghs...
-----
a parent shared about how the children treated him/her and mind you..most of them are graduates/current undergraduates from XXX..mentally/emotionally torturing this parent...(due to confidentiality, i cant reveal much but it's just totally unimaginable!) guess what? it's so complicated that even the authorities dont want and/or not able to do anything to help...as much as it is hurting the parent, deep down the parent still loves them...yet it came to a point where the parent just want to numb all the feelings..

i felt so so so tired when i left the office..endless thoughts just kept running through my mind...i realised i was checking in to see if there were times that i treated my family in similar ways? thankfully..as wilful as i can be, i can never reach that extent..

maybe i should tell my parents that they should be glad that they are my parents because they don't get that kind of treatment..not now and definitely not in the future..haha..i can imagine my dad LOL-ing at my thoughts and most likely my mum is gonna say that she'll be grateful if i can stop pestering her for a day...
----
sat:
i was blessed with a "chauffeur" for no rhyme reason, popped by my house to give me a lift to work in the morning and came back in the afternoon just to fetch me to church... -_-'''
----
fever, when are you going away for good?

experiential learning journey(:

to J.B (tho u wont get to read this and ive told u abt it but i still want to type it down):

- i appreciate W for saying NO to you when you changed your mind about coming over to Singapore, or else i wouldnt be able to have this one and only experiential learning
- i appreciate having the opportunity to learn from you personally because it is really a rare opportunity..(i remember W has to bug you for YEARS before you agreed to do it...)
- i appreciate being in this class and having everyone being so open, so transparent in our sharing and learning...and the friendship we have built over these 4 days..
- i appreciate the fact that i had the opportunity to be part of this demo therapeutic group(which i know was intentionally arranged!) and allowing myself to be connected with you from the inside out...(i am really amazed at how well you knew me when you said what you said was really from bottom of your heart, i immediately understood what you were talking about...and yes my tears welled up at that instant..)
- i appreciate you for bringing me back to the place called HOME, that i may be in touch with my SELF...
- i appreciate you for not letting me off when you volunteered me..for facing what i had never wanted to face... (i believe you were waiting for me to say it when you smiled upon hearing this..and how everyone broke into laughter for totally agreeing with me!)
- i appreciate the fact that i will see you in 6 months time..and yes i believe i will do it...and i know my lovely course mates will definitely be checking on me every now and then...or else i know i will have to go over to Vancouver to see you personally...
- i appreciate you for helping me to see the beauty of this model...and yes..im falling in love with this model...without truly experiencing it, i know i wont be able to understand the deceptively simple model..haha...
-----
it's easy to explain how it works but it's tough to practise it...

1st thing i need to do: find back my self-centred and my self-care... i evaluated at my own mandala and i know im bad at taking care of myself...

need to get started on my assignments soon...haaa...(tt's the dread part!)

went for lunch with sis and stupid..apparently sis was trying to get me the whole of yest..oops..i think my phone is cranky again coz it didnt ring at all..-_-'''

anw sis was telling us abt the grasshopper concert she went with bro-in-law last night..she got free vip seat etc... (i think my colleagues wld be super keen lah!)

finally made our way back to grandma's house after much walking and shopping..saw my baby nephew for the 1st time..haha...im actually an aunt now..gosh...

i think i said the wrong things..all thks to 6th uncle! -_-'''
him: eh..gua has baby alr leh...next one shld be sam then followed by ronald..when's ur turn huh? grandma is waiting leh...
me: crazy! im not even attached lah.
him: aiyah! just go get any guy lah..gt angbao lehh..den u'll be rich!
me: siao! for the sake of angbao, u expect me to go start a family? leave me out of this angbao thingy..i dont care abt the money...blah blah blah~
--> i think what i said upsets someone...can see from the long black face tt they were putting on...

attended my jc friend's wedding the other day and so it became a mini gathering... (:


i saw my sec sch friends, 1st 3 mth friends and jc classmates/schoolmates..hahaha...best part was when i finally finally saw this dear old pal who has exactly the same surname and name (bilingual) as me! we hasnt met for like at least 6 yrs...gosh...


it was like a ktv session where the groom started off by singing a song to the bride as they marched in... then different people sang as a dedication to the couple...
------
I saw W and strangely (and gladly i think) I didn't feel a thing at all...although W kept walking up and down (and obviously W knew i was there), i know W was avoiding me and treated me as transparent..but all that doesnt matter anymore....

i just wonder if ive really broke through in this...
-------
some funny interactions we had..

one dreamt tt 4 of us finally went to ate the roasted suckling pig and s/he drooled even at the thought of that dream when s/he was telling us about it..lol..best part was the one who suggested the food was not part of the dream...-_-'''

one helped to brainstorm a restaurant to go for my bdae, only to realised that s/he is not able to make it on the day -_-''' s/he asked if we can change to another venue so tt s/he can go together to the place s/he suggested..lol...

one just bought a brand new car! and said tt i will have the privilege to take a ride to the restaurant since im the bdae gal and let the rest walk..lol...another suggested an alternative option ie. let me test drive using the car when ive gotten my license and s/he agreed...lol...i know s/he is kidding me de lo but still i can bug her/him to let me use for any of the event when tt day come...

one said tt s/he is not bothered if those dropped food crumbs attracts any "little friend" because it's near my desk, not him/her... -_-''' and so i informed him/her tt im fine too becoz i will simply move to the lounge ie. refused to answer any calls etc until the coast is clear and im presented with the "evidence"..s/he dont believed and i challenged him/her to check with the rest if i will do so and everyone nodded their head..lol....see how well they understood me..

received ajarn jeab's sms..

and so started the day of overseas smses...

i still think it's easier for ajarn jeab to come back for a visit as compared to me going over to NZ..

finally finally finally met up with ah xi! (tog with ah xian) at IMM!

super nonsense sia...haha...

it was supposed to be fellowship time with the 2 sisters only but auntie decided to join in...(i supposed she also want to make sure tt they dun go home too late or fool ard)

and so i spent the evening with the family..lol...

anw it was still very hilarious lah..

and from today onwards im gonna call ah xi lianxi! and ah xian lao chio! =p
-----
another friend of mine is stepping down the aisle tml! =)

to you (tho i doubt you will get to read this),
i know you meant well for me..i really appreciate your concern..i will take good care of myself de..dun have to worry ya... (:
---
to you (you know who you are),
i am really sick and tired of hearing the excuses of your excuse...what's the point of us carrying on in this conversation when the end result is always disappointing and hurtful..


you made me felt like im holding on to the end of the cliff with one hand and you on the other hand..it's a tiring position...
---
im learning to count my blessing(:

- having heard from different peers about how much they struggle with their work in their own field/arena..and how they want to just throw in the white towel and leave...some even went on to spur others to throw in the towel together..-_-''' hais..though it's something i strongly discourage! but i know they turned a deaf ear..well..it's a choice they made and i should accept it..they said im the luckiest because i dont seem to be struggling like them..but..truth is..everyone experiences struggles of some kinds...it's how you choose to face or deal with it...for me..i may grumble at times but i think ive learnt to count my blessings especially in times like this..

- when i was still studying/doing attachment/doing projects, somehow i can't believe that people in the helping professions would do such a thing or even advise their clients to do such a thing...recently i heard about similar incidents..where people in the helping professions have no sense of confidentiality and went around telling others about the person they are helping...just imagine the impact on this person by people surrounding him/her! would it occur to them at any point about the implications that may come along in the near future? there's even incidents of helping professionals encouraging and advising their clients to do certain things...im disgusted by them! i seriously hope that these people aren't any of my friends...

too many things happening recently...

i dont know where to start or end..

kinda tired of all the nonsense...
---
going through experiential learning...

excited yet fearful..haha..

having to be in touch with the self, past and present...

still in my honeymoon period...wait till the horror comes when i have to put my training into practice.. -_-'''

had a challenge with dad today..

im supposed to get my driving license by this/next yr...because dad dun believe tt i can ever pass... -_-'''
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is routine good or bad?

every mon morning dad will send me to work (unless we had an argument) so today uncle called at 6am to find out if dad is using the pick-up -_-'''

and because dad didnt send me to work in the morning so uncle called me at 6pm to find out if im about to leave from work coz he is in the vicinity...

dots my uncle..

some funny incidents in the early morning...

what a way to welcome 1st april..haha...

to think tt i've found someone who can be more jialat than me..

at least i dun create such hoo-ha..
---
triangulated once again...

and i think i unknowingly triggered sth...

thanks for all the processing but i still felt bad abt this whole issue..

i think i feel lousier becoz C refused to reply me...

are you stressed/angry/upset with me/him?

i hope you will talk to me tml...
---
i guessed i needed an answer for closure...

situations may spoil my mood for the week..

situations can thwart my plan to spend time with friends...

but i will learn to embrace the week with a smile!

enjoyable yet tiring weekend..

fri
- work+catch-up with several frenz who came over to the centre
- running in/out of the grp+entertaining a chd thus missed out most of the sharings -_-'''
- rushed over to bedok for surprise bdae celebration at the playgrd near E's hse with 3 other frenz and managed to do it by 1159 :)
- laughed at M for his lame excuses for being late again..
- played The Big Taboo under the blk until 2am... had tons of laughter...
- walked to ECP with M+S+D for breakfast as E cant stay out whole night
- watched sunrise, had good heart-to-heart talks, screamed at the sight of cockroaches+rats, brainstorming of hangout plans etc

sat
- cabbed home after watching sunrise to bathe before rushing to work
- rushed down for svs before rushed to run errands back in bedok -_-'''
- headed home to clear work

machiam like didnt sleep for 2 whole days..super ultra tired...really enjoyed the time spent with this grp of frenz...and yes, im looking forward to meeting them again... =)

received a nasty call this morning..and i think there will be a complaint against me..oh wells..

had a pretty gd time-off alone since today was a travel-ard day..

went to visit the boy..my oh my...he's super cute..but his cries and tantrum sure isnt pleasing to the ears...hahaha...
----
i wonder what outcome awaits me tml...

i dun really feel well today..

thurs
- mixed feelings...
- looking forward to fulfilling some expectations yet uncertain about how things wld turn out..

fri
- had a bad day..scolded by a walk-in for the mistake of a worker from another centre (who turned out to be a fren -_-''')
- i felt bad when a co-worker was being reprimanded for mistakenly asked me to handle the walk-in while i was in the midst of a meeting...

today
- felt very stressed...
- too many hiccups + the little imperfections everywhere simply irritates me to the core...sigh...
- bad premonition for mon.. =(
---
i need to have a really good rest...

tml's the last day of peace -_-'''

cant wait for my break to come!

it was rather funny meeting the producer this morning...

his insider info abit too much coz we dun really know him leh..it's like my 1st time meeting him?!

tho the spin-offs left me stunned most of the time, but it's still an experience...and apparently i used alot of 4 words idioms unknowingly in my stammering tone..haha...

today's an ultra busy and overwhelming day...

i met my ex-youths today! they're no longer my youths when i was taken out from the grp early this yr...it felt awkward to even think of smsing them nowadays..yet when i heard abt some of their infamous acts, i cant help but wonder how to help them and not overstep my boundary... i guessed i shld juz let go..
---
weary..

guessed what?

i can be preparing some ppt slides and dozed off unknowingly...

i can sit on my bed with the intention of packing my bag and found myself waking up the next morning with everything intact..

i can sleep on the sofa at 6pm and wake up the next morning at 7am...

and many more incidents...

tt's how i behaved for the past 2 weeks... -_-''

conclusion: i need more sleep! (and perhaps more coffee to perk me in the day)

today was busy like a bumble bee..

really appreciate tt everyone was there to help...i wouldnt know how to handle on my own!

amidst all these...the 8 kids brightened my day.. =)

but it's definitely a headache to put all of them together coz i didnt know who to give my attention to... -_-'''

server was down for the last few days so we cant do much..

sudden heavy downpour was rather scary as 3 of us crowded in front of the main door to witness the scene...

it's useless to even hold an umbrella becoz u will still be wet..(i guessed poncho might be a better choice)

we literally saw tree branches breaking and blown off by the strong wind...and it was flung straight onto the road, the pavements etc..

the next thing we knew... there was a double rainbow on the sky...

like wow...apparently you can witnessed it from any part of Singapore...
------
im upset coz i actually missed it! =(

it must have been a magnificent sight...

i was reminded of this beautiful rainbow tt i saw last yr while waiting for the bus after work...

of coz it's certainly a reminder of sth much greater and better...

a promise given to us... =)
-----
did anyone took a pic of the double rainbow?

@ home
i may be upset with what has happened..


but i cant bring myself to turn away no matter how many times i tell myself tt i will if it happens again..


today i saw grandma crying in secretly and yet i can only watch her quietly...

thinking abt all that have happened..

i realised i would still make the same choice even if it has to happen again..

how irony huh?
----
@ work

it dawned upon me after our conversation during tt 20 mins journey..

i lacked the submissive attitude...

in the end i have to clear the mess for those people...

they just stir up issues and went into hiding...

and it's not the first time it happened...

angry!

incident1:
didnt expect everyone to come to know abt it...

actually i think i've got over tt incident alr despite ...but still...

thks for believing in me..and giving me the assurance tt i wasnt tt lousy...
-----
incident2:
irritated..annoyed...a feeling of unjust...

strange but for the very first time..

this is how i feel indeed..
-----
incident3:
everyone said tt it got nth to do with us...so we shld stay out of it..

but how can i not do anything about it..

it's like allowing history to repeat itself... -_-'''

anw..since things have already reached this stage...nth can be done anymore...

physically, emotionally and mentally drained..

--> really appreciate the concerns(: thks...i know we'll brave thru this tog and im not alone..

worked for the last 9 days...

met up with a friend after so long...

prob everyone is right...

i really treasure this friendship alot...

i may be foolish/stubborn but i nv want to let go even tho everyone is telling me so...

sad to say but we didnt have a conclusion..
----
im still clueless...what's my direction nw?

it's certainly hard to swallow the humble pie..

afterall tt has always been sth ive taken pride in...

feeling sore..feeling soured...all the negative emotions...

but ive learnt..to let go...

spent the afternoon alone..

i realised i dun feel insulted(tho tt was my pride) but i felt upset..

coz i tot it was finally done and over with (i was working on it for the last 2 months) and now i have to redo it again...

with pressing deadlines to meet..with new directions to go...i hope i can keep up with the pace..

i dun wan to give up at this junction..
-------
strength strength strength!

it's a year of change..

need to prepare myself in taking up the different roles and responsibilities...
----
im tired

The Shack - William P.Young

an interesting fiction(:

i dont know how and when and where and why and what...

i think my right arm is injured..hmmm...

i guessed it will be the same as my right thumb that stayed numbed for months...

i presumed it's the work of the cyst again...

meaning i've over-exerted my hand AGAIN...

i need REST and more REST!
----
i feel like im paralysed more and more each day..haha..
----

next 3 months is going to be a very stretching period for me...

i am totally speechless over the whole issue...hais....
---
just do it...

sometimes i wonder if im taking on way too many things at work..but come to think abt it...it's practically the things tt i have been doing for the whole of last yr!

how come i feel so so so stretched now..i can never meet my deadlines and yes i still have backlogs from 2008 which are urgently pending for me to take action.. -_-'''

enough of my reflection...

it's back to reality...im not done with my presentation preparation!

Q gave me a bunch of roses she made..haha...thks!

unwillingly I stayed for evening and I realised I lost my phone......

thank God that a cleaner picked up my phone and he stayed super near my place so i went over to collect =)
----
stupid is really stupid..she went to ask dad if he has seen me and told everyone tt i lost the phone...and i got a scolding from dad -_-'''

now dad reminds me to keep the phone every time he sees me holding it...

suddenly i wished that there's 48 hours a day...

time never seems to be enough..gosh... -_-'''

oh and my ankle swellings is gone... =)
---
it certainly feels weird having mum at home all the time..

and it also means tt i gotta spend more time at home else im dead...

dad has officially declared tt im gonna start paying bills from this month on...sigh...
---
letter from traffic police finally came..

he only gotten 6 demerit points and pay $200 fine...

how blessed is dad! (: