Wandering through the mists of time you found me... but for a moment
|
|
| Lost in the mists Wandering through the mists of time you found me... but for a moment |
|
|
Monday, December 24, 2007 Been ages since i blogged on any of my 5 random blogs haha its quite scary to remb how bloggerish i once was. I think i am getting nastier and more unforgiving as the years go by. Less passionate but more canny and wary. Not nice esp on Xmas eve. Nobody seems to celebrate Xmas for wat it is nowadays. Nobody seems to remb why. Xmas is not about crowds shopping and parties or dinners. Xmas is not abt frens or families either, although thats prob a better side to it. Xmas is abt what we owe and how it was paid. And how we shld remb our debts and give thanks for the grace. Xmas is abt reflection on the past year and how we have failed miserably as always to live w/o debt and how we no matter how we struggle or fight or attempt to be righteous we can do no right. Xmas is abt forgiveness redemption and salvation. And the world needs it And I need it. posted by lost child | 1:39 AM Wednesday, March 29, 2006 So ironic got told off by crossing the line, for lacking tact. Seems like awhile ago i did the same thing. Sighz.. reminds me again, that i am not home, that i am 9000km away, and these are but 6 week strangers... Mom got it right. i give too much of myself to people i think are frens. Once i gave freely, got bloodied. Wisened up and clammed myself up, got ostracized, now its back to square 1, trying to give freely, and not get bloodied. Kinda bloody impossible. I take care, treat people well and notice all the little signs. I make u feel welcome, my property is yours, my time is urs, i make fun of everyone and everything for ur entertainment, to make life easier to pass and ur days a little gayer. I make an effort to get as many people together and enjoy each other's company. I may seem to be insensitive, but if i were, who was that person constantly checking on ur health and wellbeing? All i ask is for a little tolerance of my nonsense, to let me get comfortable wif u, to let me know u can accept me for all of me and not just the jester, the father or the brother.. that u can accept me and my flaws. It goes against the grain eh? i cant get comfy and i worry abt ur toes. Just makes me.. very very frustrated, and sad at how one way life is, at how people can mix around, but be strangers still. too much too fast? i guess so. we are but 6 weeks strangers after all.. posted by lost child | 4:36 AM Sunday, March 05, 2006 sometimes it takes the occasional unexpected thing to smash u in the gut. And remind urself. You can lie to everyone and yourself. But sooner or later it will fall thru. How often do i lie to myself that everything's ok, that mirth is good, that lust and boyish enthusiam can get me over, that irreverence and devil may care attitude can hide how i feel? Its often said about illusions that if u really believe its real, it will be real to you. If so, then why arent my lies working all the time? Or is it merely delusional? Got kicked in the gut when i saw the pic, blood pressure up, heart rate went up, breathing went up. Its imagined daniel. I kid myself. Nobody else or nothing else has this effect on me. Only u. And i always wonder why? posted by lost child | 5:07 PM Wednesday, March 01, 2006 Sometimes it takes the simplest things to tell you despite the normalcy, despite the work, despite the activities.. its not right at all.. the feeling came to me when i tried my volleyball at the court below.. played like a noob.. of coz i was pissed wif myself.. but i guess i need to warm up and get accustomed to the conditions as towards the end i was playing more like myself... But i guess the unvoiced feeling was i felt that something was missing, the laughter was there but it was full of ang mo accent, the shouts were in a different lingo then what i was used to hearing, the sectors i covered were different, the system was different.. diff people diff lands diff styles.. i miss pc, the guys and the easy feeling that we fit tog, can almost tell before the ball hits who can cannot and move before it happens... haiz miss volleyball in school, at pc, at the courts in hc, at nus.. missed them all badly... I sound almost like an ungrateful bastard when i wished that the net could offer more.. i missed spamming of smses.. now can only rely on msn and email.. which sucks compared to smsing... brother did ok for As... hope he can get into the course he wants.. now for him to concentrate on his army... Is there a reason why i am not sleeping yet? yes there is... just that no one knows. posted by lost child | 3:04 AM Saturday, February 25, 2006 sometimes people do stupid things.. just to fill that void in them.. sometimes people just do controversial stuff, coz all they want is attention. some people need to be constantly busy, to block out thoughts and feelings, coz they dunno what to do wif them.. sometimes all i feel is that i have built an all imposing dark tower, impressive and awesome.. when all there is inside is a cell, where someone is chained willingly in darkness.. sometimes i wish that someone who can read my mind would just come and... love me. posted by lost child | 10:32 PM Amidst all the fun and games, amid all the walking and stuff to occupy myself, there is always an ever present thought. I do not belong here. Its not that i am racist or what, but i guess when all you mainly see are caucasians and their culture, its hard to be totally at ease. Its tiring to meet new people, new cultures all the time... sometimes my reticent nature just wanna clamp down and hide in a corner to seek some refuge from the angmohness.. It is also kinda strange to see the dating culture here. Mebbe I am the oldest thats why, but it gives me the same old feeling i had during the Youth Camp i attended just a few months ago. Puppy Love is in the air, except now people play for keeps. Its hard not to join the crowd and just find someone to accompany you, provide support and help pass the days... In fact its tempting and its difficult to think NO. Actually what are the reasons for no? I cant find a good counter argument that stands. Hence, although i understand the rationale that overseas students tend to stick together and find partners among themselves, I cannot DENY that the flash of irritation and jealousy that burned through me when i read the recent posts on vball blog. Its irrational and illogical that i should feel what i felt. But i did. And was troubled. But i got over it.. or is it me deceiving myself as usual, burying unsolved problems deeeep under the soil of my memory to hope it will just go away? Damn it all. I am here to study and get my As. I will try to join the Varsity Vball team if possible, and go on lots of tours and tramping around the place. I am not here to get DOPEY and UNSTABLE. Duty always comes first. posted by lost child | 2:32 AM Thursday, February 23, 2006 I tot abt it really hard last night... I have a group blog for me to know whats going on with my frens' life. I have a personal blog that accompanied for 4 yrs and now is my archive of that life. I have a blog now that attempts to show the fun/ interesting stuff in NZ... I need one for my inside tots, those tots that make me sad, jealous, angry, frustrated or just plain feel like crying. Since i have this poem blog.. i guess i might as well use it after it died for 2 years... haiz......... posted by lost child | 3:53 PM Sunday, December 28, 2003 Little Boy (a plea for love?) a pebble a speck flying arcing through the air tumbling over and over a splash liquid crystals erupt in a miniscule fountain ripples little wavefronts of froth of sound of nothing substantial yet seem so pretty somewhat bottom sunlight dappled rippled, danced across the pebble laying among numerous numerous brethen boy little sighs and picks another pebble yearning to see the gaiety of the water sprite hear her liquid melody feel her cool intimate touch upon his cheek yearning to be by her side... posted by lost child | 3:47 AM |
|
|
|
|
|||||||||
|
 |
||||||||||||
|
|||||||||||||
