a myraid of emotions...

Thats a perfect way to describe my day...
it started off with the smallest things...
the confining spaces of the train...
the birthday song at the place...
the lack of response...
and bam.....

it broke....
i guess it could be that i have never dealt with the matter...
hoping that it would resolve...
or rather hoping that u would have made a move....
cuz in my warped mind...
at least it would seem that evrything i believed would be false...
my theories and assumptions would have crumbled...
yet i'll be bloody happy

why does it still bother me after all this time...
why hold on to somthing that seems to be doomed...
why cant the hurt or emptiness go away...
why doesnt time seem to heal the pain...
why why why....

it was a day with tons of questions...
i finally got the courage to make a first move and i came to realise something....
it basically boils down to the types of ppl....
one that thrives on being visible and on the radar while another fades away and appears once in a blue moon....
so the next question will be... will it work out?
and then the enlightening part came....

yea...change.... the dreaded word...
the one that is constant and ongoing....
i'm stuck in a rut...
thats the problem....
i have not changed in terms of idealogy...
i still hold firm to the beliefs i had established yonders ago...
unwillingly to let go and accept what was given to me...
and look what happened?....

ppl are scary.... the change on the physical self indicates nothing of what's going on within...
i was fooled....
naive... thinking that it would be the same..
when clearly it was not the case...
talking was difficult at first.. then it got easier...
mayb cuz i have decided what should be done

i dun wan to be occasionally rem cuz somehow i equate that to importance
i dun deserve that at all...
the line has to be distinct enough so that i wont foolishly cross over to the deeper side..
and then start to stuggle and drown again...
once is already enough to scar me for life...
i guess i will always look back and use this as a means of measuring...
its not the first time i have been hurt by ppl i trust...
yet strangely it hurts the most...
mayb cuz it matters to me more...
i guess it was like 70/30...
which probably explains my inabilty to break away fully...

i wish i was...
stronger...
wiser...
clearer....
opaque...
cold...

then life would be much much easier..
i tink hermits are great...
loners..where the contamination fr mankind cant touch them...
they're free
....................

i want to be free too...
i got to tear away the chains that hold me down even if the task seems impossible..
and only by being objective n using ur head to think...
one survives for a longer period of time...

i gave up a long long time ago...
didnt noe whether u knew it...
its just difficult...
to be outside the candy shop all the time and not being able to go inside...
its difficult to be happy and smiling on the outside...
when u just feel like crying inside...
its difficult to smile...
and pretend that u're fine...
when u're not...
its so easy to lie...
when u noe that is what should be said...

why complicate when u can simplify...
why take the difficult route when it could be smooth sailing..
so i've come to learn a valuable lesson today...

and i seriously wish that i will always rem it for life...
honestly i do..
cuz thats the only way i can answer to myself...

flo

Florence