~its all abt u..~

its always abt u issint it?!the entire freakin universe revolves ard u as if u were the only human being..put urself in my shoes how would u feel if i suddenly called u when u r on ur way back on the bus...sayin that i wan to go out with my frens..but i'm using u as a shield..i agree of cuz...for the simple reason u r my fuckin sister..the original venue of suntec changed to town...did u even bother to tell mi?...of cuz u didnt why should u?! i'm jus ur bloody shield...i proceed to serene centre n finally to my fren's house jus so that u can go out n hang with ur frens..did u ever tink that i could have wanted to go back home but for ur sake i went ahead with ur idea...lucky my fren was so willing to put mi up at her place if not i'll probably b outside waiting like a foolish asshole jus for u!no msg came till 9 plus sayin u walkin towards taka...which for a moment didnt make sense to mi at all..then i realise u in town..i wanted to watch the 9 olock show..but u insisted that it will b too late...fine so i left earlier to catch the bus back..but i waited a damn long time for the bus..close to 15 mins i tink..received ur call..u asked where i was n i replied i'm still waitin for the bus..u started screamin sayin i should have left earlier n yelled that i should take a cab to meet u..then it jus struck mi why the fuck n wat the hell i'm i doin all tis?!i agreed to ur plan..missed my show..waited for u.. n at the end of the entire day instead of hearin a simple word of thanks i get screamed at..like seriously wat the fuck...honestly lorz..i was jus so pissed off that i cut off the line cuz i knew that if i said anything we would b screamin n yellin at each other..my face went black..it seriously isnt my fucking problem if u didnt tell her wat we agreed on...cuz in the first place u NEveR tink for others..i was fumin..still fumin when i got back..see u acting like nothing was wrong..talkin n all..didnt wan to talk to anyone..how freakin self centred can one be?!i told u next time pls do wateva plans properly...n guess wat ur ans didnt surprise mi sayin that it was somebody's else fault..hello!! for goodness sake i dun give a fuck wat happens all i ask is when u wan something dun always expect that u get ur way!no one likes being treated like shit..i jus dun understand how come u r like that?!jus because u're related to mi in flesh n blood u mean it gives u a right to treat mi like that?! i tink i already given u a lot space n leeway but yet wat the hell i get in return?!crap serious crap...n u noe wat was the best thing ..everything n all the anger i felt would have dissapeared with a "sorry" from u..jus a simple n sincere sorrie...which of course its impossible since it must b all my fault for being late..yes sirre..all florence's fault again...amazing isnt it..it always my fault

~i had enough of tis~

Florence

~restless...n edgy..!~

cant believe that its past 3 in the freakin morn n i still cant sleep..for some reason that i cant fathom my eyes jus keep poppin open..damn annoying actually..n i start tinkin abt a zillion silly thoughts n i hv no frakin idea why am i so disturbed...n i caught myself sighin upteem times today..i realli starting to wonder why..when its the hols n i should b havin a time of my life..n not broodin n ponderin much..the strangest thing jus occured to mi...last nite when i had dinner with the usual gang..something jus struck mi..its amazing how seldom we get together n yet somethings jus never change..like how some mix the soya sauce with wasabi..the orders of food...the endless funny faces..the refillin of green tea..time seemed to stand still for that one moment..like nothing has changed..but obviously evrything has changed..

i dunno why i have been becoming more detached in my perpectives...more like an outsider lookin into the viewing glass..mayb i'm tryin to escape fr reality..i have sleepin an awful lot...but yet i never feel rested..i feel alineated to the pt that i wan to shut myself fr the entire world..i dun even feel like talkin much..jus content with the role of the observer n background..

its weird sometimes..when one seems to be burstin to tell jus anyone willing to listen...n yet sadly at that moment noone seems there..only emphasizing the emptiness n echo of alone-less...n yet there r times when u wan to b left alone since one is already accustomed to the silentness n hollows of life..there seems to b a constant flurry of activities n ppl surrounding one..but u cant hear a sound..

i jus realised how much i missed typin mindless on the keyboard without a care whether does my sentences flow, or will i hurt soemone by what i type..i'm realli starting to feel a lot older than my actual age..n yet many have told mi that i'm a simple n naive gal..sometimes i seriously start to tink that being happie n bubbly is my coping mechanism..cuz honestly who takes one seriously when they r constantly laughing n smilin all the time...evryone assumes that they r the happinest ppl ard...well jus to correct that misconception..they might not be..well i noe that i'm not ba..gosh i tink i'm jus gonna keep typin n typin till i get tired...n surprisin i'm not..

evryone has their own lives to lead..a fact that i'm very well aware of..actually i totally respect that..but sometimes..jus sometimes..i wish someone will hear my call...of despair..hhaha so melodrama rite?! even i find it extremely amusing that i'm even writing that down.. i hate spillin my guts to ppl..even to those that r extremely dear to mi..cuz i simply dun wan to burdun others with issues that bother mi...which is one the reasons why i dun always go ard tellin others how i feel..prefering to deal with stuff that bother mi by myself..till i feel like i hv a firmer reign over my emotions before i confide in some..i noe that many of u say tt its unhealthy to keep a leash on one's emotions n all cuz one day it will burst thru the very damn tt one has erected..well..i hope tt the one day never comes cuz it would signify i hv completely surrendered n would probably b broken in terms of spirit n self..in many ways i'm not whole..i never will b..parts have already been shattered far too many times..sometimes scars that fade with time throbs painfully n the feelin of deju vu plagues...i hate the tt feeling its like seein a movie that u noe all so well..that u can memorise the lines by each actor..knowin when some acts occur..n yet the feelin of helplessness is prevalent when one can only sit back without interfering the ongoings...

sometimes questions haunt mi...silly ones..in fact but yet enough to keep mi awake at nite..how can one feel so lonely n yet so surrounded..i'm startin to question what the hell i actually mean to some..cuz the lines that used to b so distinct aint clear anymore...am i such a bad person?...mayb...mayb i realli am..which is y i'm constantly tested all the damn time..its close to 4 and i'm still not exactly feelin better after writin so much...the tendency of long long entires only occurs when i hv too much crap up my head..n surprisin tis time tis outlet didnt make mi feel better...mayb i need a swim...

~i feel like screamin at the top of the mountain..~

Florence