~i wan to swim...~

I have been wanting to blog or talk abt it for the longest time..mayb its because i could never find the right words to describe how i feel..or the inability to translate it aptly into words..cuz it jus doesnt seem to b able to capture how exactly i feel..but i tink its only fair tt u should noe..cuz it is true tt one wouldnt b able to guess the thoughts of others

sometimes i wonder n i curse..whether is it my hyper senstivity or is it wat i see or feel the main problem..others jus dun see it...from my pt of view..dun one realise wat others see..or is cuz of my stupidty to dwell too much on nothingness...as others jus brush it aside....i once said that i feared the reopenin of sch cuz it would spell a ceratin amt of uneasiness...in the sense of frenships...no matter how much u try to fit in n mingle..there is always somethin missin..aloof...thats wat i feel..u mean dun u tink we r drifting away?..i sense it and felt it in my bones eversince a couple of weeks in sch started..in fact i tink wat someone else said is right to a certain extent..honestly to others it would not even seem we r even close as frens cuz of the fact we simply dun communicate much in sch..do u noe how weird it feels when one adopts a third person perspective to jus obseve the ongoings..n realise how meaningless n worthless one's existence has been...

obviously i havent been talkin or articulatingly wat i feel...cuz simmply i dun wan to...for the fear of saying something hurtful n feelin guilty for even tinkin tis way..but do u noe tt not even i feel tis way but others too..which actually means it has to b pretty darn obvious for others to comment..n its not tt i'm grumpy or intentionally pull long face whenever i see u...but its rather how can u expect mi to always have a spastic smiley face each time ba when i start tinkin abt wat's goin on...in fact i still find it hard to believe u dunno wat is goin on..

its all so true when one is in a reflective mode tt anything n everything abt wat has been said by others suddenly make sense..i onece had a conversation with tis fren of mine..on how there were some ppl who changes when they get attached...its jus a matter on how drastic or subtle it was..its not tt i dun feel happie when i see them being in bliss...but honestly i wish sometimes..jus sometimes tt i'm not 2nd, 3rd or even in the last place..when times r bad...come runnin to seek solace..yet when times r good..i dun even see the shadow at all.. how do u all expect mi to react...cuz i assure one the feelin n knowledge of tt ...seriously sux pretty much big time..do u noe ppl tt i never expected to b concerned for my state of well-being asked mi how i was..tt ws itself enough for mi..tt is how easy i am to b made happy..ppl said tt one should not start counting how much they give in or do for others..cux its supposed to b a twoway thingy n all..ya i do believe in it...yet i jus dun get it..how come it is evrytime i seem to give in so much for others..n yet it never seems enough..being a sponge is indeed tiring..being strong is exhausting..being at the shadows is drainin..y is it only when i;m at the nadirs then only ppl realise isnt it a bit goddamn late...y is it always ppl askin "y didnt u tell mi wat was goin on?!" y is only when trouble suffices then the compulsive need to mend is there?!y is it the stupid phrase" i'll b there for u when u need u" sounds like utter bullshit n crap cuz y say all these when it wont happen..i honestly have nothing to say..jus feel so darn drained..wat else is there left to say?!..the feelings of despondense n idoticy is present..n i tink i muz b a fool to b affected so much when it doesnt seem to b imp..yupz...its not imp...its never imp...n i will continue to b the nice aunt agony who is a listening ear for others..tt's wat i do best...

~adious~

Florence

aftermath...

the weekend was bliss..i didnt wan it to stop...i was literally on cloud 9 n each cele made special by my individual gp of frens is truely appreciated la.. fab is the most apt word to describe it!

but all good things does come to a end... feelin disturbed...dunno how i feel y the hell do i feel so affected when i found abt it..i knew sooner or later it would have tis outcome..n yet i walk towards the damn wall with my palms in front of mi...wham into the wall...not once not twice..but constantly..y am i such an idiot..i cant fathom y am i so stupid...i muz b the greatest fool to b alive..makin the same mistake twice..even though it burned n scarred like hell the last time..i muz count my blessings tt tis time wont b as bad ba..n no i wont talk abt it..its down right embarrasing..y does my heart feel so heavy...when its not suppose to let it bother mi at all..oh well..i'm the queen of stupidity!

~heaviness..mayb cutiin away some part of the heart will make it better~

Florence

its been an emotional rollercoaster for the past few days..ppl who were online...probbaly knew since nicks realli kinda reflects how i feel for the moment..i mean some ppl knew..while some were probably clueless..
its not that i'm accusin anyone..mayb its the combination of the lack of sleep, deadlines n the awkwardness/driftnes..(if there is such a word ) that took its toll on mi..myab its true..i have to learn to b emotionally stronge..mayb i'm not strong enough..mayb i dun give enough..mayb i'm not good enough..well mayb i'm jus plain insufficient in evrythin..in sch i'm pretty fine jus tt sometimes i space out thinkin abt it..see darn good actress rite?..i dun realli go ard whinnin or bitchin abt issues tt bother mi..a great deal..isnt that strong enough..?!..mayb i shouldnt even entertain such thoughts..and jus tink to myself the world is so nice n beautiful...yeah rite as if..situations change..so do ppl..dun say things cuz they r free..it hurts to realise tt at the end of it all..u r still left alone to deal with evrythin...well today was weird..correction past few days hv been weird..i actually feel my soul soothe over the smallest thing said..sometimes i wonder "is it so diff to make mi happie" "is cuz of the diff in expectations/ the simply the ppl's character...i dun need much honestly..jus wan to b constantly assured tt i exist n play a role..now that is askin for too much isnt it..?..to tink tt while i was tearin last nite ppl whom i didnt expect came to ask mi if i was ok..n jus comforted mi in their own ways..n that only served to highlight the stark constrast...i muz learn to b content with nothing..only then i wont feel so hurt..in fact i dun realli like to tell ppl wat is botherin mi..no pt..dun ask or do it for the sake of obligation cuz i rather it came fr the heart..truely..i missed mi..the old mi..the one that was whole..not this version which is shattered with some pieces missin..noone can understand how it feels..the trust broken..no matter how u try to b impartial..it veers..sad isnt it..

but its ok...feelin a lot better jus because of the few sentences i heard today..i will be fine as usual..so is tt emotionally strong enough for u?!

~missin pieces r lost forever~

Florence

~i want days to remain like tt...~

this was a post that was meant to b put up yest..but mi being tired from an entire day out went on to a blissful sleep in lala land so today i was supposed to wake up earlier to catch up on the horrendous amt of work tt requires to b completed...but alas realli not fated my alarm didnt ring n i only got up in the afternoon instead!

yest was fab fab fab...mayb it was due to the company or mayb it was enjoying high tea at shagrila...n yes i was at one of my best behaviours...no howling..just giggling behind the chinese fans..*duH obviously i didnt do tt la!* i was super normal n civilised..till the later part when i started slippin..n said silly stuff...in fact i dun even noe wat exactly i said..jus remembered tt those peeps were givin mi a queer looki while trying to contain their laughter..which i muz ass totally failed!! wahaha n that was the start cuz i started laughin a tad louder than a normal civilsed person!wat else can i say i enjoyed myself n he was a perfect gentleman!!did i mention i'm a sucker for those type n romantics?! ...

n yest was the day i received my prezzie from jac n lin!!! those silly toots actually asked mi to open it up while we were on our way to town..mi being shy n polite was a bit uncertain whether should i give in to their inseccesant requests "to rip it up"....so i gingerly opened it up n to my sheer surprised i saw the 2 items were from my wish list..i muz have the incredulous look of wonder on my face...or probably looked too stun...not tt i didnt expect them to get mi something i liked.. but i was pretty overwhelmed with the fact that they still know mi best even though i didnt mention anything to them..n yes i had that silly smile on my face that was still there as we made our way thru town!! i luv the givenchy perfume n tanner to bits!! but obviously i luv my frens even more!!!!!!!finally managed to spend quality time with jac catchin up with lives..jus call mi anytime gal!!yest was jus truely memorable!! it will always b one i will cherished!

~the world seems brighter with all ur presence!~

Florence

its funny...

nite of a sat..erhm i tink its 8th aug la


dun u tink so..sometimes i see reflections of myself in ppl..n its jus plain ironic at wat i did then jus to hold on..mayb its a vicious ycle..how humans wan to hold on to somethings that seems impossible n will come to naught...i used to wonder sometimes did i do anything wrong to deserve it..n question why all my efforts have gone down the drain instead of flourishin...n today i noe the ans to the very questions.. wat has gone is gone..no matter how hard u try to deceive urself to say its okie...but deep down inside..its not...the feelin of jadedness is always lingerin there refusin to budge..n honestly..the word "being a substitute" jus comes to mind...am i one?! is it cuz i tend to b easygoin thats y i'm taken for granted?..that its assumed to b that..n that is th end of the story...full-stop?! i dunno...i met some realli nice ppl who r willingly to do anythin for others..n some tt r elusive n hard to figure..i hate the latter kinds..cuz i'm jus damn tired of wonderin...

why now?!the time when i placed such high hopes n it was jus repeatedly being dashed down naively tinkin that i can n will b able to withstand its test...but i crumbled..i couldnt find it within mi to behave like in the past..how do u expect mi to react?! i jus cant bring myself to forget the past cuz those were lessons learnt..n now i see it being replayed..i realli dunno wat else to say..mayb my sense of self-protection is up to the nines...being hurt then was enough n i dun wan to go thru it again..so pardon mi for drawin that invisible line cuz it has become a necessity..its sad for it to end up tis way..to b wat it has come to be..n yet it will b like tt till i find it in mi to totally let go..which at present its still hard to ignore when those scenes are constantly repeated in my mind..


~i hope to find peace~

Florence