...............
i'm starting to feel the restless pent up energy within again...
hv always suppressed the urge to do things tt i desperately want to do...
not sure how long more can suppression work...
i wish for so many things...
its funny how i dunno what i want...
but i know what i dun want.
i wish that there r others whom i can tell
but there again what's the bloody point.

maybe i should just take one of those super super long walks......
so tt i can do nothing but b lost in the music or the traffic tt whizzes by...
lost...lost....lost....
floflo are you lost?..........
i cant seem to find u anymore.... come back...jus come back n mayb things would b right again...

flo

Florence

.....................................................
its funny how one feel like just screaming..
doing bloody stupid things without the feeling of being judged...
i hate that feeling of being pushed into a corner where i cant seem to let evrything out cuz of many many invisble threads tt bind me down.

i want to laugh wholeheartedly till i go hoarse
i want to cry and let the pain out
i want to curse with so much gusto that i run out of swear words
i want to whack bitches till they have gone silly
i want to smack all those stupid numbskulls who cant seem to do a damn thing right
i want to do so many things but i cant
which makes me bloody pissed off.

i hate expectations. commitments. and basically think life is getting a lil too stale for my liking.
i'm so going to spice it up before i literally go mad from the routines and boredom

flo

Florence

random thoughts...

its been a long while since i'm at peace with a lot of things...
today i witnessed something which threw mi a tad off balance...
a couple was arguing over the topic of money..
i never exactly knew the importance of it till i started working n earning my own dough...
n i'm starting to wonder whether is money really that imp...

can ppl drift away n b strangers due to money issues..
what if that happens...
what should i do?..
then only i realised...

its not something that far off as i have experienced it before.. i'll quit beating myself up over it...
cuz honestly to me it was not a major issue and for it to be something major than i guess its not much of a pt...

i'm at peace n i'll just bury this somewhere within me..

another momento of life to remind me how transisent n volatile life could be...
evrything can change in a blink of an eye....
ppl whom i have meet throughout my life have been very unique in their own ways...
ppl that i could connect with and communicate on the same wavelenght are not many...
sometimes its a blessing and a curse to be that transparent cuz all one's thoughts and emotions are written on the face...leaving no room for anything else...

i cant claim to be happy but at least i dun mind the comfortable lull of routine and group of frens that i have come to be extremely reliant on.. i do know for a fact that despite all that might have they wont abandon me..right?...

i must learn how to be happy with my lot..then i will feel satisfied and not hanker over things that i cant get...that is really something i should start learning...

Florence

a myraid of emotions...

Thats a perfect way to describe my day...
it started off with the smallest things...
the confining spaces of the train...
the birthday song at the place...
the lack of response...
and bam.....

it broke....
i guess it could be that i have never dealt with the matter...
hoping that it would resolve...
or rather hoping that u would have made a move....
cuz in my warped mind...
at least it would seem that evrything i believed would be false...
my theories and assumptions would have crumbled...
yet i'll be bloody happy

why does it still bother me after all this time...
why hold on to somthing that seems to be doomed...
why cant the hurt or emptiness go away...
why doesnt time seem to heal the pain...
why why why....

it was a day with tons of questions...
i finally got the courage to make a first move and i came to realise something....
it basically boils down to the types of ppl....
one that thrives on being visible and on the radar while another fades away and appears once in a blue moon....
so the next question will be... will it work out?
and then the enlightening part came....

yea...change.... the dreaded word...
the one that is constant and ongoing....
i'm stuck in a rut...
thats the problem....
i have not changed in terms of idealogy...
i still hold firm to the beliefs i had established yonders ago...
unwillingly to let go and accept what was given to me...
and look what happened?....

ppl are scary.... the change on the physical self indicates nothing of what's going on within...
i was fooled....
naive... thinking that it would be the same..
when clearly it was not the case...
talking was difficult at first.. then it got easier...
mayb cuz i have decided what should be done

i dun wan to be occasionally rem cuz somehow i equate that to importance
i dun deserve that at all...
the line has to be distinct enough so that i wont foolishly cross over to the deeper side..
and then start to stuggle and drown again...
once is already enough to scar me for life...
i guess i will always look back and use this as a means of measuring...
its not the first time i have been hurt by ppl i trust...
yet strangely it hurts the most...
mayb cuz it matters to me more...
i guess it was like 70/30...
which probably explains my inabilty to break away fully...

i wish i was...
stronger...
wiser...
clearer....
opaque...
cold...

then life would be much much easier..
i tink hermits are great...
loners..where the contamination fr mankind cant touch them...
they're free
....................

i want to be free too...
i got to tear away the chains that hold me down even if the task seems impossible..
and only by being objective n using ur head to think...
one survives for a longer period of time...

i gave up a long long time ago...
didnt noe whether u knew it...
its just difficult...
to be outside the candy shop all the time and not being able to go inside...
its difficult to be happy and smiling on the outside...
when u just feel like crying inside...
its difficult to smile...
and pretend that u're fine...
when u're not...
its so easy to lie...
when u noe that is what should be said...

why complicate when u can simplify...
why take the difficult route when it could be smooth sailing..
so i've come to learn a valuable lesson today...

and i seriously wish that i will always rem it for life...
honestly i do..
cuz thats the only way i can answer to myself...

flo

Florence

Its definitely been a long while...
i finally got a lot of things sorted out...in a way
sometimes i rem the past and i realised they are simply memories....
not a figment of my imagination but rather events that will not happen again...
most of them are usually painful because it jus makes mi feel sad when i think abt it....
i'm learning to let go...cuz i tink i'm a very broken person within...
it doesnt hurt so much because i understand more abt the facts of life...

SOmetimes i tink i'm an extremely silly person...
but oh well...i tink that mayb sometimes its just testing to see how i deal with the blows and my opinion of ppl...

This yr's birthday celebration was made very special by the few dearies... i know i didnt say much...but i realli feel very grateful that u guys are still in my life despite all that has happened... the ppl who left imprints without much of a backward glance... they turned my life upside down...

sometimes i still cant come to terms with wateva that happened... i dun noe why i'm so bothered or affected.... its slowly ceasing and i'm glad there is a certain amt of distance... i dun feel so small anymore and at least i'm not exactly happier but at least more sane....

i always have funny lil theories that are made based on certain pieces of evidence...
how i wish i would be proven wrong...
but Sadly most of the time i'm spot on...

why am i feelin so emo?...

Florence

~something jus struck mi today...~



a new start at an unfamiliar place...

yet it was similar in so many ways..

the kids...the noise..the teachers...and of cuz the classrooms



its strange that last time i was always so eager to hear fr u..

or i would not hestiate to msg u over the slighest thing

but i guess at this pt in time..

i realli couldnt care less..

i used to think that it was tough letting whateva that we had go..

but i guess..

not anymore

cuz honestly that was nothing much left...

a question that i always seem to be asking lately was why cant ppl treat others decently?!..

that the answer came to mi the other day..

and words of advice rang in my head from the past...

why do u let others to affect u so much when the other couldnt even seem to be the slighest bothered at all

how apt. i've decided to heed the advice.

i've given u countless chances if u cant seem to treasure it at all; deciding to forsaken evrything for the sake of others...

i've got nothing else to say.

u spliter.

hope u're happy over the chain of events that happened.



on a lighter note...there is really a first time for evrything.

despite the odd mix of company.

i have to admit i did have fun.

i never knew that ppl who were enthu made such a big difference.

on the other hand,

i'm still paying the price for staying out till wee hours in the morn...

damn i'm getting old.

Florence

starry starry nite!

couldnt sleep and when i went to the balcony i saw like 20 odd stars twinkling in the sky!
AWEsoMe!
i havent seen this many stars before or mayb i never had the chance to appreciate them at all!
but it was like totally cool..
darn i'm supposed to sleeping cuz i have drag my sorry ass at bloody 630 in the morn..
system has been too screwed up anyways
cant seem to adjust my internal clock to normal ppl!
wahaha its totally weird but i felt realli happy when i saw the stars manz!
a fresh start!

Florence