A whole mess of thoughts are rushing through my head. The night was a bitter sweet; sweet because the event is finally over, bitter because of everything else.
I wish I knew what each emotion I am feeling now means, what are the causes of them, and what do they represent. What do they mean?
Above all that, as much as I yearn to spell them out, I know it is best that I don't. Sometimes, things are better left unsaid. By materializing these issues only create further unnecessary trouble for everyone, best to keep it in, and finish it off within me. Let it end here with me! (again something being in hospi has taught me)
I ain't gonna tell, not because I want to be all emo and mysterious, but because I treasure my life as it is now.
Yep, at times I have too good of a control over my emotions for my own good. Although it is only this same trait that kept me alive and sane throughout the stages of my life. Again, not trying to be all mysterious here, just wanting a place to rant without fully uncovering all.
Give me that would you?
:)
,
September 4, 2009
I have no clue why, but I am also updating kaykayy.livejournal.com
This place sounds too emo, it feels fresher on the other side.
Hoho.
:)
But hey, this place is considered more private than the other space. Then again, not like I reveal much.
Hit me once, shame on you. Hit me twice, shame on me.
Yeah.
,
August 6, 2009
An issue is pressing into my heart at this point in time, don't wanna blog about it as it will be totally emo. I'm alright, just blaming myself a lot for what is happening to a friend. It was due to my fall that made things this way. It is okay for people to fall, but what I could have done better was to pick myself up ASAP. I just did not pick myself up fast enough, just not fast enough.
I have never felt so sorry before.
I'm sorry.
God, I leave this into Your hands. I pray for Your healing and strength as I do my utmost best to make things right, to whatever extend it can ever be.
(Sheesh, it still ended up as an emo entry! hah.)
,
August 1, 2009
I am not a feminist, really; I just don't know how to tolerate men who boast about how their species are apparently licensed to play the opposite sex up down inside out.
Soooo.... long curly hair with bangs, or shorter straight hair with longer fringe?
Heh.
Comments from Serena for this episode was my "puppy eyes". Didn't really get it until I saw it myself. HAH. And I really tried not to nod as often (comparing with the previous one), but it was just too unnatural for me to sit stiffly there without fidgeting!
Yep.
Oh, and singing class is sooo not fun. Anxiety attacks are horrid horrid horrid. I literally SHIVERED when I had to sing in front of the whole class.
SIGHHH.
,
July 29, 2009
Look inside Look inside your tiny mind And look a bit harder Cause we're so uninspired So sick and tired Of all the hatred you harbor
And ... the chorus right at ya.
,
July 19, 2009
Femme fatale remains as an example of female independence and a threat to traditional female gender roles.
,
July 13, 2009
LONG AND PICTORIAL POST AHEAD
Been really busy! Mainly with filming; have been helping Raymond with his short film series for church's 20th anniversary. It required my commitment daily since Thursday, tomorrow will be the last day as we do the voice overs. Thus I have been waking up at 6plus every morning on top of school and other commitments going on as usual, it has been rather tiring!
Anyhows, photos have been piling up like mad! Seriously, I've never had soooooo many photos of me tagged in my fb before. Haha. Here are a few of my favourites!
Yep! Filming has been fun! I really love Raymond's direction, very arty. Anticipating the final product!
Oh! Also, the talents inc class graduated from our acting module!!! (Singing module starting next week) Here we have the guys.. of which many turned gay during this module. HAH. And the girls! Brian and his almonds! (inside joke)
By the way, Brian was the script writer for i-Ming! Impressive eh!
During the module, we were paired to act out a break up scene. Mainly it involves one person cheating on the other. We then decided to reenact our scenes to take shots, do note that it is an reenactment (amidst all the 'highness' from graduating), thus, may not be as convincing!
Here we have catfight between Deb and Iris!
I love this one! Hosea was superb (as always) as Sally caught him cheating. Laughed like mad during their performance..
Desmond cheated on Belle..
Hosea on the verge of slapping Iris who cheated on him..
Gary and Constance! Super ultra terribly cute couple.
And mine with Zech! Quite obviously, I was the violent girlfriend who caught him cheating on me. We were tagged as the "korean couple". Talents inc is fun because of the people in it! Plus this Wednesday we are having a gathering at Siew Yan's new place. She wants us to put up a small "performance", thus we are having a mini skit, and some others to sing! Thank goodness I am in the drama section.
And the deal is... she is trying to get pastors to come! She hinted to Brian (who is writing our script) that Pst Tan may be there to see our progess, so make sure we shine and don't lose face! PASTOR TAN!!!! I WILL ACT MY HEART OUT FOR HIM! HAHAHA.
YEP!
Oh oh! And Dr. AR Bernard guessed that I was 19 years old! MUAHAHAHA.
,
June 30, 2009
As someone who fiercely protects her freedom and indulges in being free-spirited, I've always thought I had freedom in the bag.
Boy was I so wrong.
God has been opening my mind, showing me what true freedom is.
Somebody asked me in the past, what is someone like me doing in such a high commitment church like CHC?
I didn't have an answer for that person back then, but now I do.
In Christ, is where I finally found genuine freedom.
A freedom so light I could cry. Freedom that leaves me as white as snow, with the liberty and tools to sculpt me anyway I want. No longer bounded by rules and regulations, but given the power to break out of the mould men created.
I am free, in love and Love.
and it feels wonderful.
:)
You know, the best revelations are the ones that bring you back to the basics. It can be so simple. Yes it can. Men may complicate, but we rely on Him to bring us back to what matters the most.
Come back to the simple, quiet love of God; won't you
,
June 27, 2009
So, I have not been blogging for quite a while, reason why I am back is because I have something to voice out!
The death of Michael Jackson.
I know, we have seen/heard/read plenty of tributes for this King of Pop, this is not one of them. Don't get me wrong, he is definitly, to me, the uncontested King of Pop. Except I feel that this event also reveals a side of humans which really annoys me to the core.
Back when he was alive, it was always negative when people talk about MJ. Discussions revolve around his special interest in little boys, plastic surgery gone wrong, his Neverland Ranch (and of course, its relation to little boys), etc. Nobody talked about how great and influential his music is; focus instead was on how destroyed and weird he has become.
Then he died.
Suddenly everybody loves him. Everybody mourns for him. Where are the critics? Where were those who called him a sickass paedophile? Or those who mocked him for his distorted nose and lame cover up for his sudden white skin? Where are they? Sudden converts to mourners for MJ huh.
This world is a messed up world.
Look at artists today; Justin Timberlake, Usher, R.Kelly, Mariah Carey, all whose music are greatly influenced by MJ. There is a reason why he is titled the King of Pop. He, is the original. He is, the King of Pop.
It required his death for people to stop tearing him apart.
They remind me of the edgier more alternative version of The Ting Tings.
,
May 30, 2009
A whole load of stuff have been clouding my mind, mainly revolves around the theme "Death".
This weekend was supposed to be explosive. Long awaited much anticipated bible study on Friday, then mini Emerge which I was given the chance to host for all 4 services at JW and Expo, plus finally meeting Roy, Sylvia and the cg for connect group and loud camp stuff respectively. I was really looking forward to this weekend.
However, reality hits. My weekend will be spent listening to painful questions from the little niece, seeing our mothers tearing up, wondering what can we do to help that may ease their pain.
Then come Sunday. His first year anniversary. Has it already been a year? So fast... Sadly I wont be there, but I promise, I promise I will visit you myself soon, very soon.
Finally to top everything off, the nightmare. I guess it really did shake me up a little. The fear, the panic was too real. Don't get me wrong, I am not afraid to die, in fact, I wouldnt mind going to heaven earlier. The thing I am afraid of is what I am leaving behind. My family who are still not saved, my dreams and goals that have yet to be accomplished.
Oh wells!
Life goes on for those who are still living it.
SUCK IT UP! CHIN UP!
LET'S MOVE!
,
May 26, 2009
The MBA graduate in these few weeks' of Dilbert really cracks me up!! If you are a fan of series like "The Office", you got to got to follow Dilbert! Here are a few of my favourites of the MBA graduate.
This was when they introduced the MBA graduate character in-
and..
and...
and..
HOHOHO.
And here are a few of my other favourites!
and...
HOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO!
,
May 17, 2009
Four years, it has been that long. Prayers upon prayers, tears upon tears, to the point in which I have accepted it the way it is. I no longer preach about hope, instead, I see evidences of it all around me, using them to convince myself to accept life. Indeed, I had accepted, only finding myself going against it then putting all the blame on me. Defeated over and over again, I brainwashed myself into believing the world I see it to be. Every single day, I asked God for a miracle in that area. And always, I never do see it. Hopes were dashed, dissapointments taught me to be numb, to turn cold. I thought God has forgotten; forgotten about what I did 4 years ago, about the revelation I acted upon 4 years ago.
But no, God remembered.
:)
He remembers; and no way I am letting go
,
May 12, 2009
Your falsetto.... it was.. wow.
,
May 7, 2009
I cannot wait for next Wednesday.
:)
Oh! And tomorrow! Finally seeing Rhonda! (and P&W leading class from Bro Poh!)
Oh oh! And tomorrow night! Supper with the best friend whom I havent seen for ages because of her stupid exams! Heh.
Oh oh oh! And Friday night! Jas and Grace! Like at last!!!!
Muahahahahaha.
p/s: I've installed Dilbert as a gadget on my sidebar, and it auto updates itself daily! Hoho! I love Dilbert!
,
April 30, 2009
Have been sniffing since yesterday. We had orientation in the rain, does not help that some of our stations are water games. Plus when I was finally dry again in the evening, Ziwei had to purposely save one last water bomb just to see me get wet all over again. sigh.
Was sniffing throughout today's class. It was awesome though! Hosting is really so much more awesome than modeling. Moreover, Pst Tan came down today! He talked to us and shared how the vision for talents inc started. It is so awesome how people from different zones are picked to come together to start off this vision. What makes it more awesome is how we can all click so well. Plus we have such an awesome Siew Yan whom we all regard as our mummy! Awesome stuff. We've only started not long, and with Yuhao now as Manhunt winner, Iris landing an awesome role in some series; slowly but surely, we shall take over the world! Muahaha. Oh oh, and it was made clear that talents inc is a private organization (managed by Siew Yan), secular and nothing to do with the awesome church. Meaning in the long term, talents managed here will not just be church people, but anyone! How awesome!
I am seriously gonna get a pocket thesaurus which I can use to extend my vocab (more specifically, adjectives).
Awesome.
SNIFF SNIFF.
,
April 26, 2009
LONG ENTRY AHEAD
Before I start on my very long entry, here is something off Pst Kong's blog about Tattoos.
"Theologians, like Tom Beaudoin, have done studies on youths who pierce or tattoo their bodies. They discovered that youths do that when they have had profound experiential encounters. Things that impact them deeply....... It is their way of expressing the spiritual in the physical.."
I agree whole heartedly, in fact I have been contemplating for weeks on getting my fifth. But, pay up for building fund first, best friend's belated present second, then tattooing last!
Moving on to my main, something impacted me today.
Some of you would know of the Talents' Inc thingy which I am involved in, the one which Pst Tan gave my number to, and the same one which I complained endlessly about the modeling classes. Anyways, quite clear to see, I was never too keen on this. Today I was supposed to have a casting for Lipton, my name was among the few to be shortlisted by the client, however, I was simply not interested. Thus I chose to tell them I couldn't make it, which was slightly true as well because of my alternative plan.
Then in the evening, the talents' inc people had a gathering. Raymond, who is an experienced actor/model was sharing his story with us today. He had a casting today as well for a role for an upcoming show on Channel U, the panel then asked him about his life, and he begin telling them about his past, etc. The presence of God then fell as the panel got moved to tears! They then told Raymond that he will not be given the role he was originally casting for, but they are going to cast him in his own life story!!!! So he is meeting up with Diana Ser to come up with the script! Amazing right!
Raymond then went on to share about why we are doing this. Are we here to become famous? Or to achieve a standing in the industry for us to better impact others. He questioned us, what is our attitude when we get called up for castings, what is our motive, what is our end goal. I then thought to myself, the reason why I am so lackluster in this is really because I do not have a vision, a goal. The only reason I keep reminding myself of is just so I won't let Pst Tan down, and that motivation will not bring me far.
Many girls will kill to be in my position, to be given the opportunities that fell to my lap. However, instead of seizing them and making the best out of it, I treat them as a chore. Neither do I take this seriously, nor do I choose to improve. Yes, I may not have the best self-esteem, being with the other girls does at times make me wonder what does Pst Tan see in me. However for the fact that Lipton shortlisted me and a few others among the girls, still I chose to toss it away, is really a reflection of my attitude. I don't even bother trying!
Anyways, on my way home after our dinner, I was very convicted. Thus I have decided, I am going to take this more seriously. I will change for the better. Siew Yan have been complaining about my messy hair for the longest time! I will do something about it! Genecia have been saying I need to dress up more and carry myself better, I will do that. Make up has got to improve, I need to start caring about the way I look, the way I dress, the way I carry myself! If I need to take better portfolio shots, so be it! If I got to lose weight, I'm in!
I want to make full use of this opportunity, I want to be involved in this project God has planted in our church. Whatever gifts God has given to me, I want to multiply them and use them to impact others. If multiplying means to tone up, to look better, to improve myself, to wear heels more often, I will.
The whole new Kayla. I'm sorry for the attitude I was bearing before. This is not about me, not about me rolling my eyes, but I ought to look further than that. Me rolling my eyes about these kinda stuff is really an insult to God. God gave the looks and talents to these girls, and these girls are polishing the gifts and using them to impact others! But what have I been doing with my gifts? It is an insult to God if I choose to ignore my gifts. Come on! The Pst I love most threw this opportunity at me, how much easier can it get?! Yet I was so THICK to see the hand of God, and chose to stick to my old mindset.
There. Out of my system.
Although my hols have started, I am fully booked for the next two weeks already. With Orientation on Tuesday, Dodgeball event on Thursday, Parry walk event on Friday, I have loads of planning to do this week! Plus I am back being more involved with Hospitality, and yes, I finally spoke to Laura today and have returned to the council. Just like the prodigal son. Hoho. (Although I attempted tempting Laura to be rebellious and let us both resign from our positions and watch council survive without us. HEH.) No I'm not being haughty here, you should hear what have been going on in the council with this new batch. But that is for another time, plus talking about council is a sensitive topic, for me. Oh! And Talents' Inc next class (Hosting) is starting this week. I thank God for a new mindset as I embrace this!
Bring it on!
Muahaha.
"Watch, stand fast in the faith, be brave, be strong. Let all that you do be done with love."
-1 Cor 16:13-14
,
April 23, 2009
KAYLA AND COOKING
It all started in secondary school. We had Home Econs lessons, and we had to cook a dish for one of our exams. The night before, my maid prepared all the ingredients for me right down to the amount of each. All I had to do was throw them in the pan the next day, and voila! Sambal prawns! However me being me, somehow I screwed that up and my Sambal prawns were too sour and not spicy at all.
Then came poly, we had a Culinary Science module. For our practical exam, we were assigned dishes which we had to whip up. Mine was grilled fish. How difficult could that be?! But again, knowing I am horrible in cooking, I thought to myself, "Hmm, I should add more spices to make up for my bad cooking skills!" After I'm done, Cal came over to taste my fish. Without a word, he spit it out, went over to the sink, and rinsed his mouth. I scowled at him thinking he was exaggerating, till I tried it. I mean, I knew I was bad in cooking, but I didn't know I was THAT BAD. You should have seen my recovery process, I was scraping the poor grilled fish hoping to get rid of the overwhelming 'spicy-ness'. Needless to say, I scored a D+ for that module.
Now in uni, mich and laura taught me this fool proof recipe. Scrambled eggs with sausages. I know what you are thinking, who on this earth can ever screw something as easy as that up? Well, her name is Kayla.
I added so much butter, from 2 eggs, I had to increase to 4 eggs just so it won't be so 'watery'. Frustrated that I can even screw that up, I forced myself to finish up all 4 portions of the over-buttery scrambled eggs, which then almost resulted in me puking.. FROM MY OWN COOKING?!!! That, is a new low even for me.
BUT MY POINT HERE IS, I AM NOT GIVING UP!!!
You know, I've always admired people who can cook a proper meal. I will get there!!! I just need more.. err.. practice. And probably my maid beside me? Heh.
COME ONNNNNN KAYLA! UNLEASH THE COOK IN ME!
p/s: For now, I ought to head back to my studies. boooo.
pp/s: On a totally random note, I have 6285 songs in my iTunes! Muahahaha.
On moonlit heath and lonesome bank
Yep! Filming has been fun! I really love Raymond's direction, very arty. Anticipating the final product!
Talents inc is fun because of the people in it! Plus this Wednesday we are having a gathering at Siew Yan's new place. She wants us to put up a small "performance", thus we are having a mini skit, and some others to sing! Thank goodness I am in the drama section. 
