was rummaging in my drawer, looking for some source of inspiration n motivation to STARt mugging for e day... i started to read letters, past letters ranging frm those frm my den good pri5 fren kaimei (sighz we've lost touch) to those of last yr's...some of them were jus plain gossip letters or crappy ones...pretty fun re-reading them again, they remind me of things in e past tt i've almost forgotten abt. n to some extent, they do inspire me (erm u asking y am i still here n not studying.. ahaa)...so many anecdotes of my own... my growing up process, evidence of how gossipy n lame i was n still am... it reminds of how happy i am w/o e looming threat of A's...=D suddenly feel very wen1 xin1... i'll never ever throw them away.

was thinking if i'm a DJ i cant bear to throw any letter away for it contains a little bit of e heart of e writer... tt someone's sharing ur joy or sorrow with u... u haf e power to make them happy again... ahh.. but it's quite impossible to keep all lah, soon e radio station'll turn into a huge rubbish dump hehe

Give more than expected..

feeling kinda happie tdy... duno y =) nothing special happened.. but it's been alwiz like this, i get pretty sad abt little things tt happen, but a v.little thing'll jus unexpectedly make me a happy person again... so full of emotions. not a v.good thing u noe. but i try not to bear grudges against anyone or myself overnight.. n tink i still haf a long way to go on learning abt e virtue of forgiveness... n often it's partly my fault tt i make myself sad... but for now, i'll TRY to tink of nothing else but exams...concentrate concentrate concentrate!! try to make myself hyper n enthu for mugging *punch fist in e air * ^_^'''

jus saw zz's post on class blog... i'll jus haf to pick a safe occasion to ask my parents again... haiz pls let them help me learn wad independence is!? how i wish i can prove myself capable in taking good care of myself...... i dun mind forking out my own savings for a trip wif e class!!

was watching yang qian hua's concert on vcd.. some of e duets sang were those of e late 80s to early 90s.. e time when cantonese pop songs were at e peak of their success with e mass.... not hard to understand y.. coz the songs r all so nice!! wonder if can find them at kbox hehe... was thinking, music really rocks my life... not tt i'm v. musically inclined or not tt i noe alot abt music (acty i can only give like 20 marks 4 my knowledge of e music arena).. but w/o music, boring pasttimes (of now) like doin math rev. wld be really BORING... n once in a while, turning up e volume to my earphones is quite thrilling.. pity i cant dance huh... quite a funny sight, moving to music while solving maths prob -_-''

anw... here's one song tt can really brighten my life when i'm feeling lethargic:

你的微笑 F.I.R

喜欢用我的音调 唱出你的味道
这一秒 有种感觉甜蜜的发酵
一百种言语知道 爱有一个声道
才明了 是你眼神传来的暗号

太多的幸福报到 拼凑爱的美妙
笑一笑投入你怀里然后撒娇
不需要别人来教 把爱紧紧抓牢
这一秒 决定拥抱你给的美好

爱情是你独特的味道 在我的心中围绕
别人都不了 只有你知道
因为你 世界不再单调 我的微笑 你明白就很好

你就像月亮绕着轨道 拥抱着地球闪耀
在我的星球 写下惊叹号
有了你世界神魂颠倒 你的微笑 编织了每一个奇妙

though e road ahead seems never-ending these days, considering we still haf like 2-3mths b4 we'll reach our destinaton, but never give up or step on e brake... thinking tt our oil in us is running out... but it will never, if we keep adding to it, with love, care, dreams n aspirations...
when we feel tt we r abt to break down any moment, wish for a petrol station to loom in sight n it will appear =) never understimate wad pple can do for u... den aft tt u can start ur car again, accelerate n sprint for e finishing line.. it's so far yet so near... believe me, u'll soon be able to see e turn in e road, to yet another destination of ur life, to meet up with new challenges in time to come =D

jiayou everyone, n keep e motivation ongoing!

借口 周杰伦

翻着我们的照片 想念若隐若现
去年的冬天 我们笑得很甜
看着你哭泣的脸 对着我说再见
来不及听见 你已走得很远

也许你已经放弃我 也许已经很难回头
我知道自己错过 请再给我一个理由 说你不爱我

就算是我不懂 能不能原谅我
请不要把分手当作你的请求
我知道坚持要走是你受伤的藉口
请你回头 我会陪你一直走到最后

就算没有结果 我也能够随
我知道你的痛 是我给的承诺
你说给过我笑容 沉默是因为包容
如果要走 请你记得我

如果难过 请你忘了我

nice song.. kept thinking abt it today
it's e last day of sch..=( duno if i shld elaborate...
jus now standing outside e shop window besides swensons...
there was a poster named "Today's advice"
i closed my eyes
n pointed randomly
e box read "give more than expected"
y didn't i realise it sooner tdy
or i jus wldn't heed it
i was unreasonably tired n unhappy
i oso duno e exact e reason y
maybe it was this, or that..
i tink it was this

or shld i jus go sleep
forget all abt this

tdy my ct came back to sch.. she was wearing specs... was wondering how was she feeling as she read her time mag silently.. den suddenly she started telling us abt wad happened to her father.. even tho i sort of knew it yesterday already, i was still caught in a moment of helplessness n despair. maybe it was the way she described it, i duno. It was a major relief to hear tt he's now out of danger... but something bothered me.. we, as her ct class, were the very trusted ears she needed.. in a way it was heartening to know tt she placed so much significance on us, her students tt she has known for only 2yrs. but i was thinking, wad if we were not there.. den she'll haf 27 less pairs of ears to listen to her troubles.. n she din seem to be in very close relations with her family except her dad..we all noe tt in critical times like this, frens' n closed ones's support n encouragement matters the most. if not, it may signify a bad turning pt in a person's life... we din say anything reassuring..plain listening mite be the best tt we can do to help, but nonetheless, i hope tt it may make e biggest difference.. rem she was saying sorry sorry to tell us so much aft tt.. i wondered y.. maybe it's her way of saying thanks 4 listening. it came naturally..

life is precious, pls stop using dying to threaten ourselves..
n i realise they r more n more pple with mental problems (not-inborn kind) in this society (there's 1 specific incident yesterday but shall not elaborate here), not sure of wad really caused this phenomenon but really... pple.. loosen up n relieve ur stress, or else we'll all turn mad one day.. being mad is very saddening actually.

n tt wld be very unnecessary. coz at least we do haf a choice not to.

距离 林俊杰

在距离三公里的位置 我在这里
想象心中的你的呼吸 同样的熄着灯的窗子
你在那里 听不到我呼吸着分离

我走向前 你看不见 真的遥远
就连叹息 影子听见 也是无言
你走向前 我看不见 你的思念
你和我之间 刻着一条界线 不曾有改变

保留着三公分的距离 我的眼里
填满着整个我爱的你 坐在同一张四方桌子边
你的眼里 读不到眷着我的讯息

当爱离开之前 能多苦 能多深 能多甜
距离是你走过我身边

bro's goin back to his ntu hostel dis weekend.. now my parents n him r on e way there... wanted to tag along but it's a rented van dun really haf space 4 me with my bro's supplies arnd.. feeling abit sad coz i'll only see him like thrice a wk in e future... nobody 4 me to disturb, or talk to... den he's been my permanent math tutor.. (haiz i tink my maths' been goin down e drain since sec4, like mdm toh rote, i shld haf seeken (is there such a word?) guidance 4 my weaker subs.. oh well it's kind of late 4 tuition? wang hou de ri zi zhen me guo?)... seriously i tink he' s an even more patient person than me... n he explains things well too. but maybe wad i'll miss most abt him is his 'noise' n presence at home... =( now tt family's not well off, e car's not with us anymore... can no longer travel to jurong point to haf family dinner tog on sat like last yr.. it's so far away..

anw e com left in my bro's room now is goin bonkers... so another good preventive measure to ban me frm coming online.. hehe. good for me i guess.. so i'll try not to blog so much

yesterday met up with lj... n she told me some affairs of e heart.. suddenly i become a love consultant?! tried to ans some of her qns.. but i'm not like experienced or wad... so i wondered if i've helped her anotz.. den she was saying one of her guy frens was confiding in her his relationship troubles... (which was quite farnie e way he cldn't see wad seemed to be obvious to girls), which oso made me wonder... if i haf a close guy fren confiding in me lidat... it'll be quite fun to help him... not as-in being matchmaker ^_^'' but as in i'll be really happie for him if all goes well...=D but i dun haf lah, well maybe it's my personality or wad, but of coz friendship shld come naturally... haha i cant possibly try to make frens jus 4 dis purpose rite?

met e j3 senior on e way home tdy.. she's as friendly as ever n she told me tt her 1st wk at nus was free n relaxing.. n she said tt i'm lucky to be in hc coz she heard some cham stories frm her new frens frm nj.. well in a way i'm kinda satisfied wif e fact tt i may walk out of e sch gates on any day, n tt cs may be jus a compulsory studying period..

burst out abt wad happened last nite to ps, whom i almost alwiz confide in.. n she listened.. things pple often dun talk abt..feel v. troubled tt such a negative trend is arising. maybe it had surfaced b4 in e past but these days in a diff form.. wad do u do when u noe someone's brainwashed? someone doesn't trust closed ones anymore, n worse, times spent with strangers seem more fulfilling than with closed ones...why? y does someone make a big fuss over trivial matters but keep mum abt things tt shld haf been discussed?

yay xn came back to sch tdy.. hehe she din forget to bring some stuff back to feed our stomachs too =D hahaz i told ef tt her eyes were like sparkling tdy.. with happiness u noe :)

tdy mrs foo gave me a great big smile when i went to ask her some qns... is it coz i seldom approach her? nevertheless her smile lifted my spirits somehow ^o^ den yesterday at chem lect, dis gal frm cheryl's class (sitting beside me)got called unluckily by e lecturer.. den she was like panicking n tt time i was mumbling to myself e ans.. den she told e lecturer wad i mumbled.. luckily it was correct (rare ah?).. den she gave me this very nice smile n said in a sweet voice "thanks!" duno y, dis small incident cheered me up :) duno y e gals in cheryl's class all got such sweet childlike voices?? kinda nice lah, as compared to mine hahaaz

it's been a continuous 4-boring+trying to finish hw days... left me quite tired actually. tho it's expected tt we shld start gearing into e pre-prelim mode, but i'm quite aware tt i cant really push myself to my limits... coz most prob i'll jus reduce myself into something as hopeless as a heap of dirty clothes on e floor (haha lousy metaphor).. i need sleep!! more sleep! but there really isn't any more time 4 sleeping since i sleep 6+hr a day(which by right shld be enough^_^'').. n i dun wan my sleep to be interrrupted by foggy dreams tt dun make any sense.. pls someone, search ur way into my dreams n clear e fog away... i want a clear mind quite desperately lehz. =(

so wad i tried to do was to occupy myself with little snipplets of e Olympics every now n den, e radio at nite, n oso "5 pple u meet in heaven" (tho i got e book v.long ago -_-).. makes me wonder abt heaven.. i dun haf a religion.. so it's like up to my imagination(hope wun offend anyone here)..used to think tt it'll be good if i'm able to drift freely in dis world after i pass away at a peaceful old age... den i'll go arnd silently learning abt my closed ones, to feel their emotions n understand y life is like this. if i wun be able to help them in any way in their daily life (w/o powers of an angel).. it'll be enuf if i can be there to share both their joy n unhappiness.. so that e belief tt we r always not alone becomes true..

in wad i see, there wldn't be a single heaven above e skies.. but tt the heaven'll live in my heart.. i'll feel unusually free n contented. as if there isn't a single thing to worry. haven decide on wad happens next, maybe i'll float up into e universe to join e stars or i'll disappear into thin air, to allow another baby to come into existence.. hear e sound of a baby's crying?

blehz it's good to imagine sometimes huh? somehow all e troubles we may haf now will be gone in time anw.. =)

there's this tingling feeling i'm having now.. like a bell ringing in e distance..

when i was young, i had a really naive way of thinking, that is, the good-looking people in this world haf little inner beauty, n the not-so-good-looking pple shld haf alot of inner beauty in them. Y? jus bcoz i believed that lao tian ye is fair, so there's bound to be something imperfect somewhere... n I used to laugh at how textbooks stereotype how criminals r supposed to look like: scar on one cheek, tattoos..

but of coz I found out later while life is unfair, some nasty-looking pple are really nasty in character too (like terrorists? oh the only good thing abt them is tt they haf faith in something and believe in themselves -_-) and some good-looking pple r as beautiful in the inside as they r on the outside.., if not more..=P

yeah... so why is life so unfair sometimes? e.g. my skin is lousy, my eyes look like lin yi lian's (haha..) the list goes on infinitely..there'll be endless complaints... n we r only starting on appearances here...

slimming centres actually invited cecilia cheung to be their spokesperson... when she's already so skinny?! who r they kidding? but still everyday pple r fooled... when they might know tt e company obviously din spend much on trying to 'slim down' zhang bozhi even more.. even times when we r not in the dark, we still choose to close both eyes n listen to the "luring" voice of the stranger out there...=/

sometimes we r encouraged to appreciate the way we look, e way we r. once my bro was discussing wif me, he said, how come pple can stand in frnt of the camera n proudly announce, "I'm proud of being fat! Don't look down on we fat people OKIE?" den i replied something like, maybe coz they r often teased by others, tt's y they seize every chance to prove themselves. den my bro said, I dun like pple who noe tt they should change for e better but they refused too coz they claim that they like who they are. den i was like dotdotdot... ^_^"

i guess liking the way we r born to be is still a plus point, unless the person gets obsessed (e.g. everyday looking into the mirror n saying wow i'm e most beautiful person on earth)..

quite unlike e situations we see in movies n books, in which there r so many pple who r"show-offs", the reality we live in contains more pple who r lacking in self-esteem.. many atimes we r unsure of ourselves (me too) n even if we get compliments, we tend to push them away. or when we fall short of our expectations, we say to ourselves perhaps we were never good in e 1st place, not like some certain geniuses... is it part of our Asian values or sumthing? to be 'humble'? bleahz

got email frm my cousin in venezuela (haha the land of beauties)...she says tt she seldom go out to e streets now coz it's not safe n robbers r everywhere... i was feeling thankful tt Singapore's still safe enough to go out to e streets for ndp celebration n fireworks w/o getting into a stampede or riot..anw i wish this cousin of mine lives much closer to me. i cant speak spanish n she cant really speak cantonese too so we communicate in simple english... how nice it wld be to meet her someday...she'll be a slightly-elder sis =P but she's at e other opposite end of Earth..

ahh i mus stop this... n move dis com back to my bro's room!!! these days i realise i miss my sec sch frens alot, some of them r wif me in hc, n some of them r in nj..struggling wif their "7am-7pm" daily sch timetables n their mock exams... long time never meet up as a whole grp. *sighz i wonder if hc's kind of "relaxing n independent" sch system's a blessing 4 pple like me =O anw.. tho they r seldom active online...hope they r coping well!

Most of the teardrops ever shed on this earth have been for love or lack of it..

Love Lines

A group of professionals posed the question "What does love mean?" to a group of 4-8 year-olds and the answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined.

"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toe nails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love."

"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You know that your name is safe in their mouth."

"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your french fries without making them give you any of theirs."

"Love is when someone hurts you. And you get so mad but you don't yell at them because you know it would hurt their feelings."

"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired."

"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK."

"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day."

"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones."

"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you."

"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget."

-sighz. children are so sweet =)-

heyhey... back frm lunch with 71 mates =P happie tt we had early dismissal today but hope mdm toh's feeling better now... anyone reading this go n do ur GP timemag hw NOW!! shoo shoo shoo... muahaha.. i'm unusually (?) crazy tdy... maybe coz tdy's very slack, n ponned econ lect coz i forgot my notes..>_<

yesterday went to send xingni off at e airport as she's goin thailand for softball comp.. rep. team singapore... wow! she looked v.touched... n was quite farnie tt it seems tt we keep standing there not wanting to go.. n xn said sumthin like, mus we wait for her to cry den we cai2 ken3 zou3? hmm... was thinking, dun tink im considered v.close to xn, but it's alwiz a joy to see her around in sch... her infectious laughter...her sensibility (hehe sometimes).. miss her! hahaz hope she bring back some farnie stories to share wif us next wk =) anw tho e journey back n forth e airport was tiring n i almost fell asleep on e bus home, it was nice to be back at e airport again... n of coz wif e class it's totally another nice experience to be remembered...

do i really give pple e impression tt i'm v. vulnerable n "cant be bullied"? hmmm... well i'm jus e same as all e rest of u out there mah =) no need to take special good care of me lah, haha unless u wan to. den maybe u can lend me a shoulder when i'm tired...such a lazy, "spineless" pig.. alwiz leaning onto something =P

actually there r alwiz some things tt we may really want, but maybe coz we r scared of changes, tt's y we r discouraging ourselves from goin to do them. but sometimes, changes can be for e better too... dun always tink of e bad sides, which mite not have existed frm e beginning till e end.. no matter how possible these bad possibilities may seem to be.. a change of mindset may turn out for e better, n suddenly, actually u realise u shld haf thought like this long ago. like 'wo hao ben ah'. but if it wasnt 4 e change, u wldn't haf appreciated it so much

read somethin off an email.. when given too many choices a time, we tend to be in a lost state. which one? but if we r asked for our own opinionstraight frm e heart , we may be able to answer almost immediately. some things, the more u tink abt them, e more complicated they get, the less u noe wad u really wan, the less chance u r likely to say the real answer.

cheers everyone! (*raising up a cup of water) ;)

hmmm... feeeling bored now with my econ essay outlines b4 me bleahz i dun like writing! wad a slack day today at home... jus finished watching singapore idol, hahaz quite farnie lo ^_^" so listening to jay's n zhang zhi chen's songs now... hee nice! esp. now bro figured out how to share files through network.. much faster than sending thru msn =D

---
yesterday's fireworks was beautiful! so was today's at home... when i watched 4 e 4th time dis yr ^_^ esp. e after-effects of the explosion of each "firework" (r fireworks countable anw?) when the ends of the fireworks slowly drifted down the sky.. like shimmering stars =P glittering in e sky silently... i tried to think of y fireworks can make people exclaim in excitement n joy... wad exactly makes it so beautiful? babies n dogs usually dislike e loud noises of fireworks, so r we people weird..? in any case, luckily we were there on time, jus watching made me very happie, :) tho after that, i got quite tired n stoned almost all e way...well i have such low supplies of energy n soon i was yawning every 2 sec, even as we were feasting on icey desserts, even as me n chyi uei walked to take 54... both of us cldnt take it n slept half e journey home...

was thinking, e sound of fireworks seem so joyful, but the sound of bombs... invites so much fear in us... but actually they may be consist of e same explosive chemicals...? Since they r so similar,
why cant we have fireworks instead of bombs? Why do humans jus have this desire for war? actually at last wk's ndp, when the fighter planes were roaring (n soaring) above my head, i tot that e noise was already so deafening.. wad about if there's really warplanes above me, ready to plant bombs down, e noise'll be unbearably frightening..I cant n dun wan to imagine war. tink it'll be perfectly natural 4 a war victim to become psycho.. hmmm oh well. i jus wanted to say tt if pple haf e means, y not use their inventions for good-natured purposes like fireworks... to make e world a happier place? or pple haf different definitions of wad really brings happiness....

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dis weekend been to ps twice... on sat went there to eat at some with my family.. den was walking leisurely in carrefour... haha my bro n I started singing some huang yida n FIR's songs while we walked past each shelves... sound abit crazy...n malu-ating.. aiya sometimes mus learn how to relax? den parents so happy tt they bot two long "delifrance-looking" loaves of bread at only $1.20 haha wad buy 1 get 1 free? but i din tell them actually i dun really like tt kind of bread.. too hard to bite! bro bot some melon-flavoured vitasoy..hmm eh he seems to like it..quite happy lah, very long never go out eat n shop lidat.. felt like i returned to e past..

---
if u say that tempers cant be controlled, so we shld tolerate e hurtful remarks.. but i tot, tempers r our very own, n since they belong to us, they can't be uncontrollable? if u expect us to understand u, u mus also be more sensitive to others' feelings too. but maybe coz u r already too used to having it ur way. but still i jus wish tt u can come to a common understanding with us one day, tt wad we say r not words of discouragement, but r wad we tink suits u best.. n we can all work towards ur goal tog

tee hee... yesterday went on a 6 hr long karaoke session with some of class peeps.. 12 of us, so had to split into 2 different rooms... but we 'visited' each other v.frequently throughout, on toilet or aircon breaks (ya very cold brrr...), or goin over to listen to diff pple sing.. hehez so fun! =P sang till my throat dry liao.. n peishan lah, keep wanting to dian 'happy/hip-hop songs so tt we wun fall asleep nearing e end of it all.. e look of yuansheng singing "seriously in a 'tao zui' manner" was comical enough ^o^ n soph's blog says she hogged e mike... where got?? hehhee we all had a fair share of our "moments"? n ef came to join us aft her class gathering at marche =)..tho shawn n liwei left earlier.. stayed till like 8.30pm? till e person politely asked us to leave... they really know to run a business ah? (instead of giving us dirty looks for lai4 zhe4 bu4 zou3)

b4 kbox we were walking around cine to look for lunch.. it was really so packed with pple frm all schs.. cant say that i like these kind of "maddening" crowds much... it makes me kind of dizzy actually. esp. when there's a need to queue up to buy food n pple jus keep cutting queue in frnt.. it's not the same as people gathering for a celebration... like fireworks festival? that kind of crowds i like =D... but a crowded shopping centre is jus so suffocating... (hehe hope tt sunday'll turn out nice!) but another thing was i enjoyed walking around in one big group hahaz (tho we tend to block other pple's way)... the more people turn up for class stuff the happier i'll be! n my friends' accompaniment help me forget any troubles i had..n i rem pom said, it's been a long time since we all went home tog in mrt... =P tired but happy, i felt that, what more can i ask more...? :) i'm so lucky

now I have nothing but regrets.. maybe some of u noe wad i'm talking abt. i feel so bad abt it. but i dun need any consoling..really.. I cant even forgive myself now. n anyway, it's my own fault, only i myself can untie e knot that's getting more n more entangled in my heart.. what i had decided was mainly wad i tot at that time... it's farnie the way i can contradict my own set of beliefs.. i'm mocking myself i wish my better side can come out n give me a good scolding. So here i am. only tt i aren't sure if a better side exists in e first place.

some opportunities are long gone before u realise tt u wanted them. rare ones. n it's stupid to try to think "sensible" or "practical". it's like i'm been deceiving myself... once twice i duno. it's dumb to talk to others abt it, hoping tt their words wld haf a calming effect on u. but of coz they r not u, n when u urself are sure more than once that u r wrong, u are. okae sorry sorry, it's me who's wrong...not u. it's time to stop shifting the blame to all e other possible excuses... i haf nobody to say sorries to, n it's ridiculous to say sorry to ur own excuses

i know time can allow memories of bad events slowly fade away, but until then i hope next time i make a decision, i do take more time... and give more thought to it.. b4 thinking of e "practical" side

i'm alright. let me take it all out here. pls dun give any comments, i wun noe how to answer. i jus need to forgive myself.. i hope real soon =(

nearing the end of e drama series... relieved yet sad at e same time...

~he picked up ur bracelet on three occasions. Three times. That's fate. but each time u lose it again after that.. that's you3 yuan2 wu2 fen4. Only I can help u keep ur bracelet... till now..so now i finally understand... u must wait for my return, to celebrate this day tog..~

but he never returned in the end.. he wanted but he couldn't..